3 Reviews Found

Review #1, by ReeBee Sendin' Some Love

9th January 2014:
Ooh! I'm interested! :) Great job! First of all, eugh! I wanted to get first review! :P But, Rumpel got it! :P Just kidding! ;)

Plot: I like the fact that it was really really smooth, yet you still introduced the actual plot in this chapter :) It was very impressive! Have u written before? Hm, plot itself was super interesting too! Great job with that!

Characterisation: Clear; you could very clearly see what type of character Augusta was! So, amazing job with that! And Duncan, LOVE HIM ALREADY! :D I like that you're using an OC as the romantic interest, instead of an 'available' canon character :)

Description: well controlled and well used. It annoys me when people don't use description to control plot flow, and I'm glad to say that u did that well! The description was just the right size; not too long that it's boring, or not too short that its too abrupt :)

Grammar/Syntax: none that I could pick up. Only CC I have is to watch the american english seeping through :) One that really stood out was 'mom' instead, use 'mum'. :D If u have continued doubt with britpicking, may I recommend a quick, single chapter beta?

Other than that, it was awesome! You have a great start and a very stable base. Fantabulous!

-ReeBee :)

Author's Response: Thanks! (: Yes, I have written before actually. I've been writing fanfiction for several years, but I just now started writing Harry Potter fan fiction, so it's a bit new.
Thanks again!


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Review #2, by LightLeviosa5443 Sendin' Some Love

9th January 2014:
Hello, little sister!

Good start you've got here. It's interesting and definitely captures the readers interest. I'm certainly curious as to what's going to happen next between Duncan and Augusta. I think you did a good job with Augusta and Alice's mom, but maybe you could've added in who she was, and maybe Alice's age too? Just to make readers feel like they know the family a little more. I don't see a lot of Longbottom next-gen fics, personally.

Some CC, because I'm your sister and you'd rather hear it from me! *hugs*

-Make sure that you have spaces after your commas, there were a couple of times where you didn't.

-At the end of the first paragraph you say "It's one of those little things you just.." maybe if you put the one that in between things and you it would read a little better. So it'd be "It's one of those little things that you just..." And I don't think you need the comma after just, since she's not actually speaking.

-In the second paragraph, between dialogue you should move some comma's around: Instead of "She smiled warmly, nodded, kissing both of our heads and patting my shoulder" maybe it would work better as "She smiled warmly and nodded, kissing both of our heads and patting my shoulder..." Just an opinion!

-When Augusta is teasing Alice, after she says "Well, Wanda was lying" you say "Alice pouted, and sat back frustrated in her seat." I don't know if you need that comma after pouted.

-After the cute boy comes in and asks if he can sit down you say "..as he slid open the door in and.." I don't think you need the word in

-When you mention Alice is playing 20 questions with Duncan it should be ".. he was no time what so ever.." not once so ever.

-Oops, looks like we missed a boat when we were first editing. Wow, I was a really bad editor when I first read over this. Oopsie, sorry sis!

-When she gets to her dorm it should be "..placed my trunk down." not placing.

-When Lily is laughing at Augusta you don't need the second comma after I glared at her

-I think Merlin in Augusta's rant should be capitalised!

-Did I like not get this far before? How about Neville, or Mcgonagall? Just not Dumbledore, sweetheart, he's not quite alive.


Otherwise really good job, great start!

xoxo Big Sister.

Author's Response: Wow, didn't know I had THAT many things I didn't notice. Oopsies. Haha, thanks!

xoxo Little Sister


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Review #3, by Rumpelstiltskin Sendin' Some Love

9th January 2014:
Hey there!

I'm here from Review Tag on the forums!

While I was reading, preparing myself through the typical introduction setup: mother's gushing over daughter(s) and sending them on their way, I couldn't help but stumble over "Wanda said it gives you warts." I loved the child-like nature of the association to Muggle music. It definitely reminded me of the innocent 'rumors' surrounding certain elements that children often adhere to: boys have cooties and Mum said if you make that face, then it will freeze like that forever. :D It made me laugh.

Directly following, the conversations with the boys also captured this childish nature exquisitely. I love how Duncan teases Augusta. Then, when Alice so delicately interjects "You're Augusta's BOYFRIEND!" I nearly died. In fact, I'm almost certain that Augusta nearly died of pure mortification as well.

...No commentary Fat Lady... :p that was adorable.

In fact, I found most of the interactions and general teasing to be quite adorable. It definitely made me laugh at points, and I think you have a nice start to a cute, fluffy story, here.

-Rumpel

Author's Response: Thanks!

I wanted my story to be different from most. The childlike nature was intended and I'm glad you noticed it. (:
As we grow up, there is always still some child in us, no matter how mature we seem to be.
Thanks again! (:

xox,
LG


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