2 Reviews Found

Review #1, by AshOwl25224 Proving herself

29th December 2013:
First of all, I really like your story, and I think it is very creative and original! I haven't read any in a setting(that's probably not the right word, as most did take place in Hogwarts, only the circumstances are different, but I can't think of a better term!) like this before!
I also like the way you write your characters, especially Rose.
However, there are a few details you need to pay attention to: For example, in the epilogue of DH, Malfoy's son is called Scorpius, not Scorpio, and there are a few grammatical errors, for example "cousin's" instead of "cousins" and "your" instead of "you're", right in the beginning when Victoire is speaking. But those are just some minor details and don't really harm the story's flow or anything.
I also noticed that this chapter is quite long, but I think you're planning to split it up anyway, aren't you?
I think that is all, and I have to say that it's a really nice story so far and that I enjoy reading it!

Author's Response: Thank you for your kind words.

I Have no idea how I messed up Scorpius's name so many times. I will fix it (or at least make it 100% consistent)

Thank you for being nice about pointing out my crappy gramar without making me feel bad while still saying that it was noticeable.


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Review #2, by Lululuna Meeting the family she has known all her life, and cake.

28th December 2013:
Hello! :) I'm here for Day 2 of the 12 Days of Reviewing on the forums, and also because I saw this story didn't have any reviews yet and that made me sad. I think you have a really interesting idea here and some awesome ideas, and I enjoyed reading through the chapter and getting to know Rose.

The beginning of the story was really intriguing, what with Rose having her memories taken away and living with her parents in Australia. I've never read a story which begins that way, and it was great to see the Granger grandparents get some time in the spotlight. I found Rose's frustration really relatable, and was especially interested to hear how she was the one who wanted her parents to take her own memories away, that was very clever.

It was very sweet to see Rose re-discovering her whole family, and how instead of restoring her memory she wanted to move straight ahead. I thought the little details, like Rose's wand coming from the whomping willow, and the smaller details of her Diagon Alley shopping were great as well.

One piece of advice I have would be that the chapter was very long and did seem to drag on a little. I would recommend cutting the chapter into two or three different chapters instead which might help keep the reader focused. :) Also something to watch out for is finding a balance between dialogue and description. Throughout a great deal of the story I thought the dialogue could be cut down or condensed as it rambled a little, and framed with more narrative details. What is Rose seeing around her, what does she hear and smell, what are her reactions to people? Balancing and framing dialogue and description would improve the flow of the story and make it a little more reader-friendly. :)

I would also advice considering getting a beta if you're on the forums- they can help with prose and grammar revisions and are very lovely and helpful. :) In the meantime something to watch out for is dialogue punctuation. The proper format is to have a comma after dialogue and before the quotation mark, and then have the following letter be minuscule. So for example:

"As soon as you are done eating we will apparate straight onto the platform" Her dad told her smiling.

So the correct format is:

"As soon as you are done eating we will apparate straight onto the platform," her dad told her smiling. So you can see I've added a comma after "platform" and a lower case h in "her." Making these grammar changes would clean up the story and help take it to the next level. :)

I hope this review proves helpful for you! Good job with coming up with such an interesting plot, and good luck with the story! :D Happy holidays!

Author's Response: Happy early new year (I think the rest of the holidays passed).I really appreciate your feedback. Thanks for being positive in your criticism.

I am going to try to work on the grammar and continue to work on getting the ratio of dialogue down. Punctuation and grammatical correctness isn't exactly my strong suit. I think I am going to do rewrites on my first few chapters, and turn them into a half a dozen.

I truly do appreciate your feedback.

Have a happy new year.


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