Reading Reviews for Hogmanay
  
9 Reviews Found

Review #1, by TreacleTart-Double Round 6/7 Hogmanay

12th April 2015:
Hi Kenny,

I’m here for the Gryffindor Capture The Flag Battle Double Round 6/7.

So it’s New Years and Harry, Ron, and Hermione are headed to their friend’s house to celebrate! I liked the little discussion at the door about who should enter first. Each culture has their own tradition in regards to these things, so it doesn’t seem unlikely that Hermione would’ve heard a few of them.

It’s interesting that Ginny doesn’t seem that interested in Harry. I wonder what has happened that caused her to feel this way. Maybe Harry has been distant since the war? Or maybe it’s just because she’s busy? I would love to see a bit of clarification on that.

I find it kind of shocking that Harry used leglimency on Ginny. That seems like a pretty big invasion of personal space. The fact that Ginny just lets it go also seems strange. I would imagine he being really upset about that. I know I would be if someone tried to break into my mind.

I’m happy to see Ron keeping Harry grounded. He’s probably right that Ginny just needs some time to adjust.

I did notice several typos and sentences structured in an unusual way. I know you usually get beta’s to read your chapters, so you may want to consider a quick beta for this one!

All in all, an interesting snippet about New Years!

~Kaitlin

Author's Response: Thanks, Kaitlin. As you pointed out I feel it's the first things for me to rewrite or add more information about Harry's Legilimens. I set doing animagi and Legilimens and Occulemency as the important skills Harry must learn. So Ginny could feel the glimpse of his ability here in my story. And that's also the thing I should rewrite about.

I'm glad you understood the tradition Hermione tried to follow. :)


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Review #2, by Deeds/hey-its-a/capture the flag round 7 Hogmanay

12th April 2015:
FOR CAPTURE THE FLAG ROUND 7

The pier street was covered with snow, the row of varicolored houses were just beautiful like a pudding sprinkled with sugar.

I’m loving the description here! It makes me feel like I’m there and I can hear the drunks singing and see the snow and the different colored houses. Ah! So cute.

“Besides, I don’t think I’m a good-looking wizard.”

Harry, stop being a scrooge!

Ginny is a witch who has chosen only handsome boy as her boyfriend

I think you mean ‘boys’ instead of ‘boy’

I’m not sure she thinks me as her boyfriend still

This sounds awkward. Maybe: “I’m not sure she sees me as her boyfriend still.”

endless supply of food and other drink

I think there should be an: ‘an’ before endless

The highlight of the revelry was home session live

Should be: ‘live home session’

the guitar play by Kirley Duke

Should be: player

hand intimately made Harry feel a pang of being lonely.

Should be: Harry feel a pang of loneliness

Harry, did you do your magic? I felt something from you

This sounds awkward, Ginny knows all about magic. That’s something a muggle would say. It would be better if you put:

“Harry, did you do magic? I felt something from you.”

Harry came to his senses and apologized her,

You’re missing a word: to her

Though Ginny begged him to show his Pensieve memory in the early Christmas morning in the sitting room of the Burrow, he thought now the Pensieve memory also would never indicate how much he loved her.

This reads a little awkward as well. Maybe something like: Though Ginny begged him to show his memory from a pensieve early Christmas morning he thought now the memory would never indicate how much he loved her.

I think that entire paragraph needs to be re-written your missing some words so it doesn’t read right.

I thought this was a good story. It needs to be edited but you definitely have something here. I enjoyed Ron the most. His characterization was great and I was glad he went to comfort Harry first instead of Hermione.

Author's Response: Thank you, Deeds. I appreciate that you did mostly beta reading for me in the Capture the Flag game. At the same time I feel thankful Kevin thought of the game, which led you to my WIP story. I'll do rewrite this ASAP.

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Review #3, by Laurenzo7321 - Round 1 Hogmanay

4th April 2015:
For the Capture the Flag Tournament, Round 1

Hi Kenny!

Oh wow! What a way to start. You used some lovely descriptions there, it was a joy to read. I vividly had a picture of the scene in my mind.

This was kind of bittersweet, but personally, I think a much more accurate portrayal of how Harry and Ginny would be after the war. Despite what the films do to Ginny's character, I truly brave she is much stronger and braver and after being abandoned by harry at the start of DH (good intentions or not) she would still need to be alone when he comes back. I totally agree she would need time to trust him again and definitely be afraid of dating him again.

I did feel for Harry. It's clear he's trying here and wanting to do all he can to win her back. It also must not be any fun playing gooseberry with Ron and Hermione snogging all the time! I did think that at the end you might have Ginny come and decide to kiss Harry but I kinda like that you didn't. Let the man prove his love first! The one thing I didn't approve of was Harry using Legilimency on her. I know it was unintentional but it invaded her privacy. It makes me definitely glad that Ginny made him wait ;)

Great little one shot though! This was a really cool missing moment!

Lauren

Author's Response: Hi, Lauren.
What a surprise! Even Kevin's game led you here, I'm grateful for that.
At the same time I'm very impressed with your doing so quick, honest and encouraging review with some suggestions. :) Kenny


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Review #4, by mymischiefmanaged Hogmanay

4th April 2015:
~For the Capture the Flag Tournament, Round One~

Hi Kenny, here with an attack for the capture the flag :)

This one-shot's really lovely: short but poignant. I think the New Year's Eve setting is very appropriate. Harry seems to really be contemplating new beginnings and changes in his life, and it's more meaningful against the background of the beginning of a new year.

The conflict with Ginny is interesting. I found it a little bit difficult to work out exactly what was going on but Harry's distress feels very real. They're still very young and it makes sense that they're struggling to work out exactly how serious their relationship is. And although Harry's sad about it, I quite like and respect that Ginny has her own New Years plans he's not invited to.

That said, I'm surprised Harry would try to use legilimency on Ginny - it seems a little out of character. If you ever come back to this I wonder if it might be worth giving us a bit more insight into why he'd do it? I think you could probably make it understandable but at the moment it feels unnecessarily cruel.

There are also quite a few typos and bits and tense/grammar errors in here, so if you ever did come back and edit it might be worth asking somebody to quickly beta it just to point those out - it's easy to miss them in your own writing but it's a little disruptive to the flow.

That said, this is a beautiful one-shot. You've made Hogmanay seem really magical and it's nice to see Harry with more normal worries than like, dark wizard trying to take over the world. It's good to see him have a chance to focus on his relationships and himself for a bit.

Lots of love,

Emma xoxo

Author's Response: Thank you, Emma, it's quite an intense game, isn't it? (lol)

Anyway, thank you for choosing mine. Yeah, I enjoyed reading your review! very constructive and encouraging, honestly. Kenny :)


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Review #5, by randomwriter Hogmanay

21st March 2015:
Hey there Kenny! :) I'm doing this thing where I leave a review for everyone on our Quidditch team as a sort of a thank you for being such lovely team mates, and I'm here to do one for you :) I chose this particular one-shot as I've heard about Hogmanay and I've always wondered how it is, and how different it is and the likes. It's not something I'm familiar with, so I thought, hey, why not? And so, I'm here.

From your story, I can tell that Hogmanay is a beautiful celebration. It feels so warm and welcoming. I want to go to Scotland for it now. And I also want to go there in general :p But that's another matter altogether. Anyway, I love how you described it. It seems like a lovely thing to witness.

As for your characterisation, I think it was quite interesting to see how they are after the war. I quite liked your take on the trio, though I wish you had put in a few more details. It would have been nice to read about :)

I can some constructive crit, if you don't mind. I don't mean to be harsh. These are just some pointers to help your writing.

Firstly, there were a lot of places where I felt that you were slightly unclear. This mostly happened due to the phrasing. Keeping aside a couple of places, I feel like your choice of words were really good, but the way you'd ordered things and put them forward made things rather confusing. Forgive me if I'm wrong in venturing this guess, but I may say that English may not be your first language? (I'm so sorry if I'm wrong) If I'm not wrong, though, I understand how this can be difficult, and your effort is great! Well done, if that is so. In order to help you out, I suggest you look for a beta. Betas are great. They can edit your work, give you opinion, suggestions... whatever! So, I really suggest that you should look for one :)

Another thing that obstructed the flow a bit was how you were jumping tenses a lot. I think separating your flashbacks with italics or a line break or something could make things clearer for the reader.

Also, this is a bit of an issue I had with the characterisation. Harry attempting legilimency on Ginny seemed highly OOC. Firstly, he isn't a legilimens and it's a hard art to master, and we've seen that it's the sort of thing he struggles with. Secondly, I don't think he'd ever violate Ginny's privacy like that.

Apart from these pointers, I have some suggestions for you. I did find it a bit odd that they were going to the McCormack's as they don't seem to have a very obvious connection in the books. Maybe some back story about how they became close? Along with that, some more descriptions (which I think is your strength), and some small details could really add to this story!

I hope this review helps. Great effort, Kenny! And thanks for being such a dedicated team mate :)

Author's Response: How generous you are, Adi. :)

I understand it's hard to keep reading through this story, 'cause, it's a sequeal to my first and second FF. If you didn't read preceding stories, there're lots of spots where you can't understand. I have lots of thoughts in my mind related to Celtic folklore, but my English skill can't catch up with it.

It took much time to enter forums so I've just known recently there're beta readers. However I've tried posting my request, I think the demand of authors far exceeds the supply of beta readers. Most of them seemes to be exhausted by much beta reading.

Sorry for rant. I think it's better to think this way: in my country, it's said craftsmen steal the skill themselves, they're not taught. So to read good stories by other authors will be a key to solve this situation.

Anyway it was a wonderful surprise to get a constructive, profound review from my team mate! :) Kenny


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Review #6, by Dobby The House Elf Hogmanay

20th March 2015:
Hello, Sir! Dobby is here to introduce himself to members of the most brave and best Quidditch team! The Quidditch team of Gryffindor. Harry Potter was the youngest Seeker to play in a century. Did Sir know that? Dobby knows Harry Potter would have been most honored to play with your team, Sir! Dobby is proud of his Quidditch team!

Harry Potter must not worry! His Ginny Weezy has loved Harry Potter for many years and Ginny Weezy will know of Harry Potter's love being honest and true! Harry Potter is being the most brave, kind, loyal, just and great wizard of all time! Dobby thinks Ron Weezy and Winky seemed to have much in common here, Sir. You see, Winky very much likes Butterbeer and makes her walk funny, like Ron Weezy here! Dobby is not happy seeing Harry Potter sad! Dobby wants Harry Potter to know that everything will be fine! Harry Potter and Ginny Weezy have true love! Harry Potter must know that, Sir!

Dobby is most pleased to meet you! Dobby is always happy to meet Gryffindor's best and boldest! Dobby must go now! Dobby has work to do!

Author's Response: Dobby? Is it a dream? Oh, Dobby, I miss you. I was so sorry you started another journey beyond the veil. I hope you enjoy your world over there. Or will we meet you again?

If you were with Harry who is a trainee Auror in my story, he would be happy to see you again. Hard training let him be far away from Ginny. As Chosen one, other young witches make a pass at him. So it'll not be easy for them to get together again but with your support they'll find a way.

(Thank you for your kind thoughtfulness to unite us, Gryffindor Quidditch team mates.
I really feel honored to be one of them.:)

Kenny


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Review #7, by Hogwarts27 Hogmanay

4th February 2015:
Hi StarFeather,

I came to see some of your writing, but not because you left a review on my author page. I really was curious to check out your writing, escpecially since you're trying to write in English, and might appreciate a little feedback. I looked at the first and last posted chapters of each of your novels/novellas and I could definitely notice that your writing has improved, so keep writing. I speak both English and German, but I struggle with German. So I understand how much of a challenge a second language can be. I think a beta could help you express your ideas and learn how to make your writing flow more naturally and more beautifully in English. But keep writing and practicing the language either way.

I looked for something to read that had some nice descriptions in it, after you mentioned on the forums that you enjoy writing descriptions. So I picked this one-shot.

I think this was a charming little story, and I really enjoyed the setting you picked on the Isle of Skye and your description of the holiday night. Even though your phrasing of the English wasn't always perfect, it was good enough for me to enjoy this. I could completely picture the scene in my mind. This lovely Scottish holiday reminded me a lot of Christmas. And I enjoyed the tradition you described about the good luck lump of coal, salt, shortbread. It was also good you that you explained how the tradition was practiced, and its meaning, because otherwise, I would not have known.

The first sentence of your second paragraph is such a beautiful description, but I think the sentence is a little too long, so you might think of dividing it into two shorter sentences. Also I don't know whether pier street is a Scottish word or British word, but if I understand your meaning right, you could also call it a boardwalk. One other little thing in that paragraph - a drunkard sort of means someone who is always drunk, sort of an alcoholic. But if people are just drunk because they're having a lot of fun, you might just call them drunk people, or people drunkenly singing Auld Lang Syne. :)

I also enjoyed the Wierd Sisters, but the legilimancy scene was even better. I would have liked that scene to be even a little longer, because to invade someone's mind even by accident, could be a scene that really draws the reader in if you ever decide to develop it a little more. The legilimancy scene led the reader very nicely to end of the story where Harry wants to express his love by becoming an auror to protect Ginny from all harm. So all in all, nice job with this one-shot! It was a pleasant story that I enjoyed reading. Once again, I applaud you for writing in second language. Keep writing.

Author's Response: Thank you for your warm-hearted and kind review and suggestion. I happned to know there were betas in this site. But I don't know how to request them. I eagerly want to be proofread. I need to ask one of prefects.

The tradition I wrote in this story, I searched Internet a bit. If someone knows this tradition better than me, I'd like to know. When I found the black haired hadsomeman brought luck at New Year's Eve, I pictured the scene Harry and his friends visit Isle of Skye, though I've never visited there. But I heard the place was very beautiful. I have traveled Edinburgh but had no time to go north. I wish I could visit the northern Scotland.

I really respect your way of writing, so I will visit your story site more often and leave review. The legilimancy is written in my third novel, this one-shot was just a fragment of them but your idea makes me write more about Harry's legilimens.

Thank you for your words of encouragement!



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Review #8, by TidalDragon Hogmanay

1st February 2015:
Howdy! Just dropping by to tag you from the review thread in the CR. Normally, I'd tackle something longer, but alas, my request thread is incredibly backed up so I stuck with this one this time around.

I'll confess that I don't know a whole lot about the event Hogmanay. You conveyed through this story that it's obviously cause for some kind of celebration and I thought the way you got across one of the parts of that tradition about who should arrive first through dialogue was well-done. I also thought the characterization of Ron was a positive for your story, as it captured the increased maturity he probably would have had at this point in time.

As far as other aspects, I have to say I don't see Harry ever using (since he's not that good at that type of magic per OOTP) or attempting to use legilimency, especially on Ginny. It's a violation of trust of the worst kind and given Ginny's history with mental violations via the diary, would be unforgivable.

Mechanically, I'd just focus on trying to lengthen things out so you can show rather than tell us as much, especially in the second half, which read a lot more literally.

I think exploring this tradition is a neat idea though and it would be interesting to learn more about it!

Thanks for sharing!

Author's Response: Awrite! Thank you for your quick and encouraging comments.

Yes, I did some research for this one shot and blended with J.K.Rowling's magical world.
So I'm glad to know you enjoyed the story.

In my story to master Legilimens had been the task Harry had to accomplish.

In this story there is a kind of barrier between Harry and Ginny, so when readers read this, they may feel frustration. It's hard to set up twists and turns. I sometimes try to write fluff but in the end I suddenly want to make curves and turns in my story. It's my nature, way of writing. Maybe next one-shot,I will try fluffier one.

Thank you for stopping by, TidalDragon. I will also explore druidic folklore soon.


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Review #9, by patronus_charm Hogmanay

30th December 2013:
Hey there! Here for the 12 days of reviewing challenge over at the forums!

Ah, I loved this one-shot! It was just so wonderfully Scottish it made me want to be proud of my Scottish great-grandad everyone seems to forget. Gah, and the Isle of Skye is another place I really love. It was just so lovely and yeah.

The blend of magical things such as the Firewhiskey and then the Weird Sisters also being there was really great because then there were thing such as Auld Lang Syne which was wonderfully Muggle and it all worked really well together which is a little odd because usually there tends to be a little friction between such rival things.

Ron and Harry’s conversation was so natural and normal it was so cute. Haha, it just made me laugh that after all this time (must resist saying always), Ron finally accepts that Harry and Ginny are going to be together and even gives them dating advice which actually sounds useful given that it is from him.

The ending was really great and fitting with the sign of hope with the fireworks and Harry and Ginny being happy again. I don’t tend to ship them at all, but here I was all for them and had pompoms cheering and all that jazz.

One small thing, you had a really big paragraph at one point which meant reading it was rather tricky as my concentration kept on going. If you perhaps broke it up, this one-shot would be golden!

Thanks for the read!

-Kiana

Author's Response: Hello,patronus charm,
thank you for your review!

I also would like to visit the Isle of Skye someday. I have seen the beautiful winter pictures of the Isle of Skye, were really,magically wonderful.

I am glad to know you enjoyed the conversation between Ron and Harry. I love Harry/Ron/Hermione trio ship,too.

Speaking of Ginny/Harry ship I will describe more in my novel"Harry Potter and the Broomstick Makers" chapter 4.

And yes, as you say, I need to work more in this one-shot,too. Thank you for your brilliant review and your support!

May the magic and the wonder of the holiday season stay with you throughout the coming year!


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