Reading Reviews for A Melancholy Melody
  
11 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Lululuna Cold Shoulder

30th April 2014:
Hello! :) I'm here for your requested review from forever ago, and I'm so sorry for taking that long! :( Exams and other things really got the better of me this past month, eep.

Ah, when I saw your request I thought the summary felt familiar and I realized it was in the Summary Help thread! :) That's so cool, I'm glad you used it! :D

Okay, now onto the actual story. I really like this as a first chapter: it's fun, engaging, and well written. I quite like Allie so far and how her friends, despite being Slytherins and the children of some of the nastier HP characters, are very loyal and kind. I really enjoyed reading the banter with Allie and her friends and how they can tell what she's thinking and what's going on inside her head.

Hmm, so James and Allie have both had to deal with some complicated romantic situations. I felt so sorry for her during the descriptions of her history with Ethan, and can understand why she's so torn up about it. Being lied to is one thing, but especially bad for her since Ethan really led her on and clearly she had a lot of expectations from their relationship.

Beginning the story with the letter was interesting, and I liked how it established the playful, comfortable relationship between Allie and James. I especially liked how familiar he was with her and how he knew she would react, and I'm curious to see how she'll have him come around in the future. Their relationship seems very even, in a way: they're both reasonably popular, have been in relationships before, and while he has the baggage of a girlfriend, Allie has the baggage of not wanting to date anybody ever again in case she gets hurt. These dynamics seem like they'll lead to a promising and original relationship.

Another thing I really enjoyed was the explanation of James' character. You really brought him to life and I feel like I really got a good sense of his character, even more than with Allie in some ways. I liked how you incorporated his personality from the DH epilogue and I could really recognize his character here and how he grew up from that little boy that JKR wrote about. Same with Albus, I like how he's a little quieter and more mature than James, it fits well with the snippets of their canon characterization.

In terms of characterization, I do really love Allie so far. Something I'd like to see more of is showing, not telling, things about her character. For example, when it says that James would try to flirt with Allie. That was a moment where I really wanted to read more about how he flirts with her, what they talk about, and so forth. We got a hint of his character in the letter at the beginning, but I was really wanting more. Another example is the nature of their Muggle Studies project, since it seems like a lot of work and something they've really bonded over - I was really wondering about it. Of course, that's something you can explain in the next chapters, but if you feel like editing/adding to this one I would love to see more details and specific examples of her relationships.

With requested reviews, I try to be really nitpicky and make suggestions for little sentence and grammar things which I noticed in the story. Your plot and characterization is really solid, so these comments are really just if you feel like doing a quick edit and having some reference points for editing.

...Bletchley could feel her heart beating... The "could feel" is unnecessary in my opinion. To say "felt her heart..." would be more direct and clear, or even "Allie's heart beat against her ribs..." to turn it more into a "showing" not a "telling" moment.

she’d just got Maybe "she had just received" or even "she'd just gotten" would flow better grammatically.

They had been going out for a year and Allie knew perfectly how much love James had for Chelsea Finnigan. The use of "They" was a little confusing as at first glance it's not clear if "They" means Chelsea and James or Allie and James. Also, I find the last part of the sentence a little confusing. Maybe "Allie was painfully aware of James' love for Chelsea" or "James was very clear about how much he adored Chelsea..." might be more clear.

She had braced for it I think the sentence would flow better if it were "braced herself." Also "It" here is a bit unclear, when I'm editing my own work I try and be more specific instead of using "it" or "this" because the reader might not know what it is. So instead, you could say something like "She had braced herself for their reunion." Same thing with the last part of the sentence and the use of "it": maybe "she never expected to be this hurt by James getting back with Chelsea" or something along those lines would be more specific.

letting herself to lie I think there's an extra word in here.

in Slytherin Girls’ Should be a "the" in between "in" and "Slytherin." I noticed a few other spots where there was a word added or missing: nothing a thorough comb-through or a beta wouldn't easily fix. :)

she could just cry without getting worried people would see her if she wanted to. the "if she wanted to" was a bit unclear, I don't think you need it in the sentence. This could be clarified by changing the sentence in the next paragraph to something like "But no, she didn't want to cry."

although sometimes she could be a little ** sometimes... "Sometimes" was used twice in this sentence.

Ahh, okay so I'm out of words. But if you read through very carefully or have a fresh pair of eyes those little things could easily get cleared up. I'm a quick beta on the forums and always happy to help. I really enjoyed this so far and think you have some wonderful characters - I hope you find this review helpful, and feel free to re-request once you have the next chapter up, I'd love to read it! :)

Author's Response: Oh my God, thank you so much for your very detailed and amazing review! I'm so glad you find my story interesting and what you said about my characters really made me happy :'D ugh, yeah I know my grammar knowledge and choice of words aren't really that good since english isn't my first language. That sounds like a good idea! I've been meaning to search for a beta actually and of course I'd love to have your help! I'll pm you about it on the forum :-) Once again, thank you so much for doing this. I'll definitely re-request :D

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Review #2, by Lostmyheart Cold Shoulder

24th April 2014:
Hi there :)
I'm here for your requested review.
And as I can see, most your reviews were requested and some of them answered the same questions, you asked me. So I'm not really sure my review will much needed, but I'll review you anyway and hopefully you'll give me another story next time, you haven't requested so many reviews for :)

Generally, I think the story flow was fine, I liked reading it. It was a different story from what I've read before, as I generally don't choose stories with OC character's, but I liked yours :)
Her character seemed well-written, well-thought and she really was a person and not just a Mary Jane (I think it's called?)

As a reader, the ending of course intrigues me. I find myself asking 'why is she sick? Is she pregnant?' and makes me want to read the next chapter. So all in all, I liked reading it.
And hopefully you'll get another chapter up soon :)

Big hug,
Avi

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review! It's Mary Sue if I'm not mistaken :P Glad to hear that Allie isn't like that. I'm still working on the next chapter and tbh, having a writers block moment so review like this really encourages me to keep on writing! Thank you so much and so sorry for replying late!

xx,
Anissa


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Review #3, by lindslo2012 Cold Shoulder

17th April 2014:
Hi there!
Here for a requested review!
I loved the first chapter. It has me wanting to read more because not only was it awesome but I have been wanting to read a good second generation for awhile!
I hope you post a second chapter soon!
I feel obviously bad for Allie... how much would it such to have your heart shattered in two by someone who you trusted and loved? I mean I have never had it happen to me but I can imagine it isn't the best feeling in the world!
I applaud you on your great start to the story. I am excited to see where this will be going.
I think Allie has a good head on her shoulders and that good things are going to happen to her!
I hope silly James comes around and will start liking Allie. :)
I think this story will be a good one and I can't wait to read more!
I hope you come to re-request!
Until next time,
-Lindsey

Author's Response: Aw thank you so much for the nice review!
What happened to Allie is pretty much the same as what I had years ago. Though it wasn't that bad like what Allie had haha :P
I'm having a bit of writers block at the moment, but your review really encouraged me to keep on writing this story! So thank you for that! Second chapter is out soon, hopefully :'D


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Review #4, by MadiMalfoy Cold Shoulder

18th January 2014:
Hello there! MadiMalfoy here with your long-ago requested review! :)

You were mainly worried about plot and characterization, so I'll go into depth about both of them!

First of all, I love your OC Allie! You've given her so much personality and depth already in such a short time span, and that's difficult to do. I like the letter at the beginning and then the connection back to it at the end, creating a great cyclic chapter. At first, I was apprehensive of James II's character, but you've made me think twice about him! You gave him two sides to his personality, and I like that. It makes sense as to why he'd act the way he does.

Even though this is only the first chapter, you've already introduced some deep-rooted conflict and I can't wait to see how it plays out! The fact that Allie had an almost-fiance but then it ended gives me the suspicion that he may or may not make an appearance in the future with some girl hanging on his arm with a ring on her finger too. I'm very curious to see how James' relationship with Chelsea goes and also how the friendship Allie has with Albus could possibly affect her and James' relationship. As a whole, a wonderful start to this next gen! Come back any time you'd like. :)
~MadiMalfoy x

Author's Response: Oh thank you so much! You have no idea how this made my day. At first, I was kinda worried this wouldn't work since I don't really read next gen fics, but I'm glad you think so!

Thank you for reviewing! I'll definitely re-request when I'm done with chapter 2 :D


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Review #5, by luciusobsessed Cold Shoulder

17th January 2014:
I love Allie! She has so many qualities that I can relate to and it that makes it easier for me to sympathize with her. I'm really excited about the plot development of this story. I like the fact that James and Allie are in separate houses and so they're not around each other all the time, which is usually the case in real life relationships I believe. I love this, keep it up and I'm looking forward to the next chapter xoxo luciusobsessed

Author's Response: Awe, thank you so much for the review! :'D I'm still working on the next chapter. Hopefully it' ll be done soon!

xx,
Anissa


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Review #6, by ReeBee Cold Shoulder

26th December 2013:
Hi there! I'm here with your requested review! I'm so sorry! It usually doesn't take me this long, but reality got in the way. Anyway, I'm here, so do forgive me.

This is a good start you've got :) The characterisation is quite clear and we can already see what type of a character Allie is. The only thing that I would recommend is maybe not stating the personality characteristics out so clearly?? Just small hints at how she used to be, instead of stating the before and after? That's all I've got on that.

Omg, I've got to tell u this! Your characters- I have the exact same names! I've got two one shots with the main character named Chelsea paired with James II and another novella with the character, Allie paired with James II. Of course, I'm not sure which Potter she's paired with here :)

Anyway, flow was quite good :) Nothing too jutted or stilted. The plot itself seemed to be going somewhere. And you've introduced the plot well- not too drastically :) so good job!

The description was also well done. But, it could be added in a bit more. Just small single sentences here and there to maintain scenery and make sure the plot is going steadily. This could especially be used right at the end, just before Allie runs off? This would smoothen the flow there :)

But, all in all, well done! Awesome start! Please feel free to rerequest. And I apologise again for the lateness of the review! :)

-ReeBee :)

Author's Response: Hey! That's alright :-)
Omg, I just checked out your story and you're right! LOL that's kinda funny. About Allie's pairing... it's a surprise, you'll see ;)
Thank you so much for the feedback! Glad to know it's not that bad lol. I'll re-request for sure. :D

-Anissa


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Review #7, by MidnightBlue_x Cold Shoulder

22nd December 2013:
Hi, this is ElysiumJayne from the forums here to fulfill your request for you. I'm not usually a big Next Gen fan either and I'm also writing one currently, so I understand the difficulties you might be facing.

I already like Allie as a character- she was not at all what I was expecting. I think I've sort of come to expect crazy OC's when it comes to Next Gen in particular, so Allie really was a breath of fresh air for me. I liked hearing about her backstory- even though there was obviously the whole thing with Ethan, I feel like there's more to why Allie is so against love. Maybe, there isn't but either way, I'm excited to read more about it.

I loved your characterisation of Albus- he sort of reminds me of like a cute little brother (if brothers can be cute). I'm really excited to see more of James. It seems like you've written him more of a sweet sort of guy rather than the cocky attitude that people usually give him. I think it'll be interesting to see some real interaction between James and Allie.

I really like your writing style- I think that you aren't trying too hard, and it makes the whole chapter flow really nicely. I can't wait to see where you're going with the story!

I hope this review helped in some way and please feel free to re-request.

x Ely

Author's Response: Hi! Glad to know you found Allie likeable :) Actually, there's more, but that will be revealed on later chapters. And don't you worry, they'll interact in the next chapter, yay! :)

Thank you so much for your nice review! It really motivates me to keep writing! I'll be sure to re-request when the next chapter is posted! :D


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Review #8, by LightLeviosa5443 Cold Shoulder

16th December 2013:
Hi! Thanks for the request in my thread!

So I read the description for this story and was SO excited to read it. I'm happy to say I was most definitely not disappointed. I loved this story and the way you started it was a really brilliant idea.

When I started the story I had this idea that she would start off heartbroken and then fall in love with James at some point, I'm so pleased to see that that wasn't the case. It was different and a twist and so... perfect.

I really love the way you've written the main character and how she used to be cheerful and she's not. I don't have any criticism. I've re-read this chapter 3 times and all I have to say is wonderful! I can't wait to read more!

xoxo LL

Author's Response: Oh my gosh, thank you so much for your kind words! I'm really glad you're pleased with this story so far :') Anyways, I really appreciate it! I'm working on the next chapter and let me tell you things will get messier :P xx

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Review #9, by Cannons Cold Shoulder

16th December 2013:
Hey, I'm here with your requested review!

There were a few typo's/grammar problems that I noticed so I would recommend requesting a 'quick beta' over at the forums, because they are really helpful.



I didn't find anything massively wrong it just didn't flow as well as it could have.

Aside from that you have set up an interesting first chapter, I have never read about a next gen character from Slytherin so I found that particularly interesting. Also you put Albus in Slytherin which will be good for the plot.

I feel that if you wanted to improve your story you could add some more description throughout, the more description there is the more fun to read it is for the reader. ( as long as it's not over the top. )For instance I don't know what 'Allie' looks like at all yet and I like to have a picture in my head.

Oh, the major question I had was this - 'Ethan was a fresh Hogwarts graduate' - to me,this seems like your saying that he's finished Hogwarts and going out with a fourth year? I don't know I totally didn't get that :P

Overall you have a lot of good things in here which I will enjoy seeing expanded in the following chapters. Feel free to re-request.

Cannons

Author's Response: oh yes, I actually plan to find a beta after I'm done with all the chapters :D but thank you for noticing me! I'll try to give more Allie's description and so on for the next chapter. Yes, Ethan was about two/three years ahead of Allie and started dating her when he graduated. Ethan was a player after all and not living at Hogwarts anymore definitely gave him an advantage. That way, Allie wouldn't notice that he actually cheated on her when they were away. I hope I make sense :P

Anyway, thank you so much for reviewing! I really appreciate it! :D


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Review #10, by xTimexTurnerx Cold Shoulder

14th December 2013:
Hello there!
Ms. Lizzie from the forums here!
First, just a quick couple typos I caught:
1. "But no, she didn't want." I think you meant: But no, she didn't want to.
2. "What's this?" Cleo asked when Ethan gave her a small red box as her sixteenth birthday present." Cleo? Not sure if you changed your OC's name while writing, but I think you meant to say Allie.
3. "Oh mann, she was so nosy and annoying." versus "Oh man."

On to the more abstract!
I'm interested in your main character and how she came to befriending Albus and Scorpius, I know you go into depth about her recent James friendship, but I'm interested to see that back story!
I like her personality and that you didn't start with physical descriptions but rather traits, I always enjoy that. That being said, I feel like I got a LOT of her backstory right away. I feel like the Ethan thing could be revealed a bit more over time to lead to a gradual understanding of Allie rather than all at once.
But I really am enjoying this, and excited to see where you go with it!
xx Lizzie

Author's Response: oh my gosh yes, sorry for the typo! I kinda slipped Allie up with my other OC character :p This is actually kinda embarrassing lol -_-

Anyway, thank you for your review! I really appreciate it. And yes, Ethan will be mentioned again in later chapter :)


-Anissa


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Review #11, by Harry and Ginny Cold Shoulder

9th December 2013:
this fic seems interesting and I can't wait to read more!^_^

10/10

Harry and Ginny

Author's Response: oh wow, thank you so much! x :)

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