Reading Reviews for Rules of the Game
  
58 Reviews Found

Review #1, by nott theodore Let the Games Begin

8th July 2014:
Hey Lauren! I can't believe that it's taken me this long to finally get round to reviewing these chapters, but stupid life has got in the way - at least now I get the chance to continue reading!

Mmm, your description of all the food at the feast has made me really hungry now! I'm glad that Ivy likes food as much as I seem to :P But she's also quite preoccupied with making sure she does everything right in her first day as Head Girl - I can see why she would have been first choice for the role, because she's really conscientious and a model student, from the sounds of it.

This Albus Potter secret is very intriguing! I want to know all about what happened, I'm suspecting some cheating and wondering whether Ruth does indeed know, and what repercussions that could have for Ivy in the future...

Lily might think the Sorting Hat's songs aren't as great as they used to be but you should be proud of yourself for tackling it, because it's really difficult and I think you did a really good job of it!

Poppy seems like an annoying sort of character, and I have a feeling that she's not going to let her grudge for Ivy go that quickly. There could be more trouble on its way in the form of John's girlfriend...

I like the way that you described the Heads' dorms and the way that they get in, as well! I actually really want to visit them now because your descriptions were so vivid I could picture it all quite easily. And Albus is the last thing that Ivy thinks of before she goes to sleep... she's got it bad!

As always, I love the way you write the friendship between these characters and they just seem so natural and happy together. Great chapter!

Sian :)
Gryffindor House Cup 2014 Review

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Review #2, by nott theodore Just Friends

7th July 2014:
Just Friends? Just Friends? Alice and Hugo are definitely not just friends and Alice needs to start admitting soon that she wants to be more than just friends! I loved the way that the girls were teasing her over it though, because it's really natural and just what I used to do with my friends at school.

I'm intrigued about what happened to Alice and why she finds the thestrals so disturbing. It must be quite a significant reason for her to react so badly each time she sees them, and for her parents to still be concerned about it if it's happened before - although I suppose parents would always be concerned!

Haha, I love the rivalry that you're setting up between Lily and Jimmy when it comes to Quidditch, with Alice afraid to even let Lily know that she's helped another of their friends do posters for his team. They both take their sport very seriously and are probably a perfect match - I can't wait to see how they start getting together!

Poppy is mean. I know that she's disappointed that she didn't get to be Head Girl, but it's not Ivy's fault that she was a better candidate and that the teachers preferred her. I like the idea of the newspaper, though, because I think there would probably have been some additions to the extra curricular activities at Hogwarts after the war. With Poppy as its editor though, it could mean some bad things get printed about our main characters...

Aww, Hugo and Alice are just so cute! I loved that little moment between them and how Alice reacted so stupidly, despite the fact that she protests they're just friends. And Lily's going to get them together? That could either go really well or end up as a complete disaster...

Sian :)

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Review #3, by TidalDragon Just Friends

14th May 2014:
Well here we are at the end (for now)!

Well you've turned my rotation theory on its head right off the bat having this one come from Alice's POV. Once again though, you handled the change well and I thought you did more than just get us inside her head, you also did a good job of keeping her consistent with how she comes off from others' perspectives. The more POVs you add, the more challenge you create for yourself I think, but so far you're handling it splendidly. I wonder...how many POVs can you do? It's quite a talent.

I did notice a few niggling little typos in this chapter that seemed uncharacteristic - "sort after" instead of "sought after" was an example. I will also admit that I didn't feel the scene with Neville was a particularly strong one. You've set the bar high for yourself with the other chapters and scenes so far, so perhaps it's just a case of paling in comparison, but even though it's supposed to be a bit awkward, I thought it came across more so than I think it should in her 7th year. Perhaps it's also that, for me, the thestral issue didn't work for them because I would think Neville and Hannah would be used to it by now and not so concerned (though admittedly I don't know what gives rise to it or how bad it's gotten for Alice before so maybe it will come into perspective later).

The other thing I HAVE to mention that I forgot previously, but resurfaced here is the inclusion of a school paper. I'm really interested to see how that plays out what with the catty, vindictive editor-in-chief, but I also just think it's a really nice introduction and probably something that could exist in Next-Gen Hogwarts so I wanted to give you props for injecting a clever new student activity like that.

All in all I really enjoyed the story so far and I'm excited that I got to read it thanks to the Review Exchange. I have actually considered reading it many times before, but my writing, review thread, real life, and all sorts of whatnot have thwarted me in the past so it's good the exchange gave me the final push I needed.

You're the second Next-Gen to make my 'currently reading' (and the last eventually became a favorite), so I hope you keep up the good work on this story. I'm looking forward to seeing it progress!

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Review #4, by TidalDragon Let the Games Begin

14th May 2014:
Hello hello!

I'm not sure if you're planning this to be a pattern or not (rotating perspectives Ivy-Lily-Hugo) or if it's just happened that way the first time around, but it's interesting. I imagine it must be a challenge to always change perspectives in every single chapter, but you seem to be coping with it very very well. This chapter you gave us some more delightful tidbits of Ivy's character. You reinforced that she seems to be less confident than Lily, but used the interaction with Poppy to show that she's not a totally timid pushover. And she's a list-maker. How appropriate for a head student.

You also kept up some of the intrigue about this whole bit involving Albus. You keep leaving just enough hints that it's doing a good job making me wonder what happened without being overly intrusive at this point. On top of that you teased us a bit with more to the Hugo/Alice dynamic.

Of course any review would be remiss without commenting on your sorting song! Lily may think the songs are going downhill, but I think you did a pretty good job. Writing a sorting song seems like a heck of a challenge to me, but you had the boldness to confront it and that deserves some major props.

I will say that of the three perspectives, I've probably liked Ivy least so far. I'm not sure what it is exactly because you've developed her well, but perhaps it's the fact that you led with her and she just seems to pale so much in comparison to Lily's strong personality so far. I'm not sure where you plan to take her exactly, but it would be interesting to find out. I do feel like you've left yourself a lot of room to develop her though and so maybe that's the point. Or maybe the very point is for Lily to shine that much more. I don't know, and I usually don't leave such vague feedback, but for whatever little bit it's worth, I thought I'd mention it. Shrug.

See you in the next chapter!

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Review #5, by TidalDragon Things Could Be Worse

14th May 2014:
After a long slog at work, I am back!

Once again you handled the shift of perspective very well. What was also interesting about this one is that you injected a lot more time for introspection than in the previous chapters. I thought with the way you've portrayed Hugo's character so far and the build-up of Hugo's feelings for Alice and the intrigue surrounding Alice's reaction to thestrals it was a very appropriate choice and one that worked well for you.

I also really liked the description you led the chapter with. That kind of language and imagery is the kind that really gets me into a scene/setting from the get-go and you handled it beautifully.

Though you spent a fair amount of words on Quidditch in this chapter (at least in terms of the total dialogue), I thought I'd also point out that I liked how you made those bits more believable than many authors do. Injecting the names of players (even though it seems like a small thing), makes it so much more realistic and the conversations also allowed us to learn more about Lily and Jimmy as characters. Sneaky.

Overall, I just thought this chapter was really well done. Definitely my favorite of the three so far. Keep up the good work!

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Review #6, by TidalDragon Boys Gossip Too

14th May 2014:
Hello again! This is probably the last I'll be able to get to until after work, but I thoroughly enjoyed it too. Again you took a patient approach in introducing things that will prove important (like the cloak and map) while taking some time to develop characters.

I also thought you did a good job of handling the switch of perspective from Ivy to Lily. You really gave it a different feel with it being in Lily's "voice" which is something that I think is much harder to do than create differentiable dialogue (though you've done a good job of that too so far).

That said, I was a bit surprised we didn't get any reaction out of Ivy about the cloak and map (given she's a rule-following Head Girl) and that Lily went ahead and opened the package in front of so many people (despite the pressure).

Regardless I can't wait to see how things keep developing! Good work so far!

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Review #7, by TidalDragon A Home From Home

14th May 2014:
Howdy Lauren! Excited to have been paired with you for the review exchange!

Admittedly, I've never sought out Next-Gen when looking for new fics on my own, but I have been lucky enough to read some great ones for other reasons and I think you're off to very good start!

What I liked most about this beginning was that you didn't overplay the moment. It seems to me that people often have this tendency in Next-Gens to overdo the platform scenes, especially when opening with one, by just BAM - throwing down the major problem(s) right there for everyone with some fight, spat, or other drama. You took a much more patient, nuanced approach. While we caught a glimpse of some things that will be significant (or that I suspect will based on the summary), they were not the central focus. Instead you did an excellent job of introducing characters and giving us a glimpse of their personalities. Ivy was particularly well done, as even small details like how she addressed Harry and Ginny as "Mr. and Mrs. Potter" already set her up as something of a stickler for being 'proper' before you revealed she was Head Girl.

I also liked the way you've chosen to portray Lily. Too often she seems to be this shrinking violet type who is weak or needs defending or is just largely ignored, which always rubs me the wrong way. After all, this is Ginny's daughter we're talking about, and while children certainly have their own personalities, regardless of their parents, I don't think Ginny would raise that type of daughter and I don't think it rings terribly true of what the fusion of Harry and Ginny's genes would create. She's a feisty go-getter from what I can tell so far and I think that's great!

The only thing I noticed in terms of writing was the occasional sentence where you had supplemented the dialogue tags a bit heavily, making them feel a bit long. An example was near the beginning when you wrote: " 'Morning, Finchley,' Lily greeted Ivy with her surname as she so often did as she approached." For me the bit about the surname and frequency might have worked better as a separate sentence. I suppose in that case it's not so much about the actual length, as I think the repetition of the s sounds in the tag that gives me that feeling. Just something to think about.

Anyway, I really enjoyed it and I'm looking forward to reading more!

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Review #8, by LilyMilly Just Friends

13th May 2014:
I really love this story !!!
and I can't wait to read the rest of the story !
and i really hope things goes well both for Ivy and Alice !

Author's Response: Thank you again for leaving another review! I hope things go well too... I hope you stop by again to find out!

Lauren :)


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Review #9, by LilyMilly A Home From Home

11th May 2014:
I really enjoyed this chapter! And I can't wait to read more of this story !
you are a really a good writher and I look forward to getting the real facts about Ivy and Al :D Keep on the good work :D

Author's Response: Thank you so much for stopping by and leaving such a lovely comment :) it was so nice to find! I hope you're not disappointed by what actually happened!

Lauren :)


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Review #10, by ScoroseOTP A Home From Home

20th April 2014:
Hey!
First off- I'm impressed!
Your style of writing is really good.
I don't normally write much a review for the first chapter but I couldn't resit with this one!
It truly is great!
I love how you found a way to put in everyone's (or the important people- in my mind anyway) back story. I loved their backgrounds by the way, really sweet.
All of the characters mentioned I already think are wonderful. I can't wait to find out more about them! Your descriptions of them were really fantastic.
The connection between Ivy and Al is really interesting, I'm intrigued!
ScoroseOTP
Emz xxx

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Review #11, by MissesWeasley123 Just Friends

8th April 2014:
Wait, what do you mean by this:

"According to my Aunt Hermione and Rose, he's just too much like his father to realise he likes you."

Blimey, Hermione and Rose always talk about me, I knew it, and I thought she was supposed to be a daddy's girl. It's all because she's started hanging out with that Malfoy boy isn't it? The first time I even thought, "Yeah, I fancy Hermione" was in our sixth year. Like, come on, her and SPEW were always messing me up.

I really liked this chapter actually, and I hate reading. It's just like being back at school except without Voldemort and stuff. You write loads better than that bloke Gilderoy (I wonder if your generation's heard of him.. hmm) so I guess you did a good job.

Also, should I have "the talk" with Hugo now, about Alice? Blimey, I might have to get Hermione to do it instead of me. Do you know how hard it was to give it to Rose? Mind, I really didn't do it. I kind of just.. stayed outside and waited.

I really like this Nadia girl. She seems cool. Now, I'm not really forward about these things, but she should get together with that Benedict statue.
I hate that Poppy woman -- she reminds me of this Slytherin idiot back when I was in school. Have you heard of Draco Malfoy?

I never really approved of Lily's choice of friends, mainly Ivy actually, but I guess she's alright. Do I need to warn Harry about this Jimmy boy?

Wow, I'm really impressed! I never knew Muggles knew so much about our world. It's a good thing you didn't make Hermione end up with Draco, I almost killed him when I read it!

Also, why is Fred your king? I should be your king.

Erm, good luck mate, with the future chapters!
- Ron Weasley

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Review #12, by XxImAgInAiReXx Just Friends

5th April 2014:
Hi! I'm really enjoying this story, and I'm really interested to see where you go with it. Keep writing :)

Author's Response: Thank you so much for reading and leaving such a lovely comment :) it was so nice to find! I hope you come back to find out more!

Lauren :)


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Review #13, by XxImAgInAiReXx A Home From Home

5th April 2014:
I enjoyed this first chapter. It seems like an interesting set up, and I'm excited to see where you go with it. Although, a thing I did note was that your summery and your story don't really match up. The summery makes it seem like the story is told from Lily's point of view. Just a thing I noticed. Anyway, it'll be interesting to see Ivy and Albus's dynamic, especially since Albus is out of school, and where you're going with that.

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Review #14, by CambAngst Let the Games Begin

4th April 2014:
Hi, Lauren! The quest for 1,000 rolls on, and I've come back to enjoy a bit more of your story.

I'm glad that being Head Girl hasn't made Ivy all work and no play, although she does seem a bit preoccupied with work. Work, food and Albus, although not necessarily in that order.

A Russian Potions Mistress. Interesting. Well, I'm sure she can't be any more difficult than Snape or any more glad-handed than Slughorn, so the students should have a fairly easy go of it.

I liked your Sorting Hat Song. Those things are a pain to write, and you did a good job with it.

Aww, the tiny little first year is a Gryffindor! Here's hoping she's a great one...

I'm kind of surprised that Filch is still hanging in there as caretaker. I mean, I guess he doesn't really have anything else to do, but he's now been tormented by three generations of the Potter clan. He should just give up.

I don't really like John's girlfriend, but I don't suppose I'm meant to. She seems pretty jealous and catty. I can definitely see her making Ivy's life challenging.

So I saw one lonely little grammar problem in your chapter:

Her and John both turned and made their way out of the hall and turned to climb the stairs when a figure blocked their path. -- should be "She and John"

Otherwise, this was very well written. It flowed nice and smooth all the way to the end. So I assume classes start in the next chapter. Fun, fun, fun! Great job!

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Review #15, by monstrosity Things Could Be Worse

4th March 2014:
Finally here! Ah, it feels like coming back home ;)

Another flawless chapter! I really like how you shifted the focus to Hugo instead. It sure is refreshing change from a female perspective.

If I had to sum up Hugo in one word, it would be normal. These days it seems like every character has to have this completely unique and exciting character. If they don't have a disease they suffer from or some really weird quirk or some special power, then apparently they aren't worth reading about. These days a normal character is really hard to find. That's a huge shame considering that normal characters are the ones that readers relate to the most. None of us have amazing powers and no matter how much we envy or admire characters like that, it's the ones we can picture ourselves as that we really remember.

Hugo is a really thoughtful and nice guy. He's capable of escaping into his own thoughts, feeling awkward about starting conversations and generally being a regular teenager. You had expressed your apprehension about writing something for the first time from a guy's perspective, but honestly your unfamiliarity does not show at all. I've secretly thought that boys and girls aren't that different when writing about. Yeah, there's the whole girls are more analytical while boys are generally physically better, but they are after all the same species and capable of feeling the same emotions. I really don't see a difference in the way you've written about Hugo from the way you've written about Ivy. It flows really well.

One thing which I did notice was that seeing that the readers don't know much about Hugo's personality, you could have gone a bit more into what Hugo was like. This was more about his worry for Alice (the whole situation between them is so adorable, by the way) and he's so focused on what other people are feeling that we rarely get to know much about him. However if that's just the person he is then there's no point in changing that.

The pace of this chapter was really great considering where the plot is at the moment. It does leave quite curious to know why Alice is so terrified of Theastrals as it's something I've never seen before. I'm waiting for the tragic backstory about this ;)

The other characters although they don't play a significant role in this chapter are equally lovable. The bickering between Lily and Jimmy quite reminds me of James and Lily's famous arguing (and, coming to think of it, Jimmy is a nickname for James so I'm wondering what message you're trying to convey over here :P). Lily is, once again, proving why she's such a good friend with her talent to diffuse any tense situation by creating her own with Jimmy. She's also really great at distracting Alice without making her actions noticeable. For someone so passionate about quidditch, she's very aware and perceptive of what her feeling even amidst a large argument. Jimmy is still as adorable and oblivious to everything save his favourite sport. I think here is where you show the difference between having a girl for a friend as opposed to a boy. While girls can really tell what your thinking, the boys however oblivious they may be will definitely distract you from your worries.

I feel like I've ranted enough for now :) It's a great chapter and while I would advise you to make sure the pace of your story doesn't become to slow since they haven't even got to Hogwarts yet, I do think that this has been a good introduction the the different personalities in this story. Having so many OC's can make it hard to deal with, and you're writing in next generation on top of that, yet you've manage to develop them all. I don't know how you did it, but you've pulled it off wonderfully. I hope this review/rant was a bit helpful and feel free to request again!

-Sathya

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Review #16, by CambAngst Things Could Be Worse

28th February 2014:
Hi, Lauren! I'm pressing forward on my quest for 1,000 reviews, and I wanted to stop back by!

This was a nice, long chapter, but it still read very smoothly and flowed well. At no point did I feel like it was dragging.

Switching to Hugo's point of view was a good choice for this one, I think. We got to learn quite a bit about him without being told. He's dutiful, but not so much that he doesn't dread the bad assignments. He's definitely a bit awkward around the opposite sex. And he seems to be just starting to admit to himself that he has a thing for Alice.

Young love is always so awkward, and I like the way you wrote it. Hugo definitely has some of his father in him, albeit not the bumbling, loud part that tends to offend the person he fancies. He's kind of shy and not at all sure of himself.

I don't think you've told us why Alice is able to see the Thestrals, although it isn't all that hard to take a guess. I hope nothing bad has happened to Frank and Alice, but that would be my first guess. :(

Hagrid! Always a shout out for the big guy! Nice to see that he still doesn't really understand what creatures are appropriate for school-age children.

Aww, Hugo held her hand! Temporarily, anyway. Until he realized what he was doing. How much easier would romance stories be if the characters never realized what they were doing and just went with it?

Now I'm really looking forward to the opening feast and beyond! My compliments to you on your writing and Sian on her beta reading. This chapter was clean as a whistle!

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Review #17, by Infinityx Things Could Be Worse

28th February 2014:
Hi there! I'm here for the review you requested!

I find it a little difficult to get a hang of any Next Gen characters and OCs, but I'll try to do justice to your story in this review. :)

First of all, I absolutely LOVE the description which starts of this chapter. It's so beautiful and vivid, I could picture the entire setting so clearly. There's also a very poetic manner to the style in which you've written it. They danced dangerously close to the precipice before finally dropping off the edge, leaving behind an inky black canvas. This was such a wonderful way of describing it!

I think the story flows perfectly. You were concerned that the guy's perspective wouldn't seem realistic. I don't think you should worry about that. Hugo's voice is great here and he's just so sweet! I love that part where he thought of holding Alice like the way his dad holds his mum. I like the sensitive side to him. It makes him such an endearing character and someone anyone would want to know! I also think that there's no reason for you to get worried about the characterization and the POV because in the end, it's your story. There's no canon characterization in Next Gen since we don't know anything about the characters, so you have complete reign over them. I think you've done a brilliant job with Hugo.

I love the little detail about Hugo not liking silence. I wonder what the deal is with Kate though. She seems to be preoccupied and worried about something.

You really have a knack for writing casual conversation. The banter between Lily and Jimmy seemed so natural and flowy, and I really admire the way you've written the dialogues.

Aw, that moment between Hugo and Alice was just the cutest! You've brought out Hugo's inner feelings really well, and nothing was overdone. There are so many ways in which this can progress and I have a feeling it's not going to be smooth.

"So... I guess I'll see you around? At the prefect meetings?"Hmm...it seems like Kate has a lot more to do with this story. She doesn't seem so caught up in her thoughts now. It's really intriguing.

Poor Alice. I wonder when she saw death and why she's so afraid of thestrals. There seems to be a deep backstory to her character. I'm guessing that Hugo will be comforting her a lot, leading to a blossoming romance. They'd be perfect together! I love how perceptive and caring he is, and I'm sure Alice would be in good hands. :D

I like the way you've characterized Lily and Jimmy as well. Although there's not too much about them here, they seem like wonderful friends to have.

This was a great chapter! I couldn't spot any spelling or grammatical errors and it flowed so beautifully! I love your writing style. :)

~Erin

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Review #18, by ohmymerlin Boys Gossip Too

24th February 2014:
Hey, Lauren! I'm here from my review thread! Sorry about the slight delay!

Anyway, the first thing you asked for is if the chapter was entertaining enough. And it definitely is! I was laughing throughout the whole thing, so you definitely don't need to worry about that!

I do have some tiny crit about how you structure your dialogue. I've noticed you occasionally put a full-stop at the end of the speech, and then have the he/she/they said in capitals. Here's an example:

"Sure, you all gang up on Jimmy." He said, raising his voice over the laugher.

This should be: "Sure, you all gang up on Jimmy," he said, raising his voice over the laughter.

(You also missed out the letter t so I thought I'd kill two gnomes with one stone ;) - LOVED that by the way!)

"Wow, this is one impressive piece of magic." Ivy said, inspecting it closely.

This should be: "Wow, this is one impressive piece of magic," Ivy said, inspecting it closely.

Do you see what I mean? It's a minor thing but I'm extremely nit-picky so it did pull me out of the story for a bit.

Next, you asked about the characterisation! I think it was great! I REALLY loved Hugo! I don't know why, but every time he spoke I just really loved him! He's a great character! :D

Lily was really good, I like reading from her point of view!

Oh, I just remembered; the package! I've never thought of the idea of Lily not knowing about the Map and the Cloak but you wrote it really well! I loved how James was reluctant to give it to her, ahaha! That was funny :p

Okay, back on track! You said Jimmy worries you but you shouldn't need to worry! He doesn't seem too sulky - he IS the son of Oliver Wood (who in Fred and George's wise words) tried to drown himself in the showers when they lost to Hufflepuff in Harry's third year :p

And this may sound a bit sexist, but 17 year old boys can be extraordinarily sulky. I know my brother - who is close to 17 - can get sulky very quickly and when I was still at school, a lot of those boys got sulky when things didn't go their way. So I think you don't need to worry about it because nearly all 17 year old boys that I've encountered act quite similar to Jimmy! So don't stress out over him! He's a great character and he did make me laugh, especially at the end when he was still asking, ahahaha! :p

Anywho, this was a really good chapter! I had a great time reading it!

Feel free to request again!

- Kayla :)

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Review #19, by anythingcouldhappen A Home From Home

23rd February 2014:
Hello! I'm here with your requested review :)

I'm just going to go straight through your points!

Initially, I wasn't especially interested--I liked it, but it didn't really stand out from other beginning of the year stories I've read. But then Ivy talked about feeling guilty and ashamed and I was definitely drawn in! It made me really curious as to what it was she was hiding from her friends. I liked that you mentioned it was about Al, but didn't tell us what it was yet. That really grips my attention and makes me want to keep reading. So good job on catching interest! *thumbs up*

As for the characters, my first impressions of them are good. A lot of stories I read have the teenagers being really hyper and flinging themselves on each other like "OMG I missed you so much!!" But your characters seem more mature, which is certainly refreshing. I look forward to seeing you develop them!

Your writing is really well done! It flows well, and is easy but interesting to read. I thought I'd juts point out two minor grammar things I noticed:

"She pulled sharply on the handle as a cat ran straight into her path followed closely by an irritated owner, causing some unused stomach muscle to join in the chorus of complaints" This sentence was a little long, and kind of threw me off at first. I think it might help if you added a comma between "path" and "followed"

"Alice blobbed her tongue out in response" Here, I'm just not sure about the word choice of "blobbed".

Overall, awesome job! I hope this helped!

Sam

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Review #20, by Aphoride A Home From Home

18th February 2014:
Hey there - stopping by with your requested review! Sorry for not reviewing a later chapter, but I said before in my thread that I don't have time to read multiple chapters in one sitting, but feel free to re-request later! :)

So, I think this is really good start! I like how you introduce it at the beginning of the school year, but manage to avoid the normal approach to it, and the endless cliches which go with it. I liked, as well, how you used the senses in it - referring to sound and sight and things - which really helped to bring the station and the business alive. That being said, it was a bit odd to have Ivy say 'Simon Brown, if she wasn't mistaken'. If he's in her year, she'll almost certainly know who he is, I imagine, and since he plays Quidditch it's likely she'll recognise him, you know? Just a small thing, but it seemed a bit odd to me, so I thought I should mention it.

So far, I like Ivy's character as well. I think she's an interesting character, and I'm curious as to how you're going to develop her further. I thought it was really interesting how she was nervous about the barrier, being muggleborn (I assume), and how her mother wasn't, conversely. It was a really nice touch! I'm interested to see how you display her as having the necessary qualities and abilities to be Head Girl, since it's presumably a position chosen by the teachers.

I like Lily and Alice, as well, though it is something of a cliche to have an OC friends with Lily and Neville's daughter named Alice, but I think you avoided making it cliche, you know. I think it works well! I like how Lily is Quidditch mad, how Alice is quieter and less dramatic - it makes for an interesting group dynamic.

It was really good with the way you introduced the tension elements into it - with Albus, and something obviously having gone on there between him and Ivy - and Jimmy staring at Lily, and suchlike things. A nice hint of potential things to come ;)

So yeah, I thought this was a really good start - good grammar/spelling, no really odd phrases or anything which stood out, nice characters, great set-up, good writing... yeah, it's all good so far! :) Really good start - I really enjoyed reading it! :)

Feel free to re-request!

Aph xx

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Review #21, by love_is_magic_ Let the Games Begin

13th February 2014:
Ahhh it just keeps getting better!!!

I am so impressed that you wrote a sorting hat song! It was awesome and I could just tell how much time it must have taken!

I also adored the way you made a game out of guessing the houses first years would be sorted into! That was so creative and is definitely a game I would have loved to play!

I continue to adore Hugo and Alice! I can't wait to read more of their story! The same goes for Ivy and Albus... and Lily and Jimmy. and just everyone!!! AHH!

I can't wait for the next chapter! Keep being awesome!
Christy

Author's Response: Hi again!

Wow I'm feeling uber spoilt by you right now!! Thank you for leaving another review!!

Haha aww i don't know about awesome (lily and Alice say my feelings about the song!!) but it did take me ages!! I'm glad you liked anyway :)

Haha I came up with that idea as it would totally be the game I played to make the sorting a little more interesting. Otherwise you just sit waiting and clapping!!

Hehe aww I'm glad you like all the couples! I just hope you aren't disappointed with how their relationships unfold!!

Thanks again for taking the time to review, I love reading your thoughts!!

Lauren :)


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Review #22, by CambAngst Boys Gossip Too

12th February 2014:
Hi, Lauren! Looks like I'm only going to manage one Reviewing Challenge entry today, because I'm beat. The good news is, it's your story!

You did a nice job continuing to refine and flesh out your characters here. We've got some hyper-competitive friends (Jimmy) and some fun-loving, laid-back friends (Alice and Hugo) to go along with our Head Girl and our Quidditch captain. I enjoyed watching them toy with Jimmy over "important" little bits of information. Such typical teenagers!

Her brothers had warned her not to go flaunting the contents about to everyone and she couldn’t think for the life of her what it could be. -- Hmmnn... I think I have a pretty good idea.

Yay! It's the cloak AND the map! I think Lily's year -- as well as her friends' -- just got a whole lot more interesting. Seeing it passed along in this way was a really lovely and heart-warming touch. This is how it's supposed to happen, I think, when murderous, sociopathic dark lords don't interrupt the orderly flow of things.

The quote from the map gave me chills. Not that I haven't read that line plenty of times, but to see it applied to a whole new generation was way cool!

A few things that might be typos:

Lily checked her watch with irritation and wondered how she’d only manage to go five minutes since the last time she’d looked. -- only managed?

"I had to do a patrol and take a meeting," Ivy replied exasperated, stepping carefully over Lily's feet... -- I'd suggest a comma after replied.

Just as Lily was about to argue once again, a sly smile made its way on to Ivy’s that made her pause. -- Made its way onto Ivy's what? :p

Overall, great job! You're spinning an interesting tale here, and you introduced some awesome new pieces in this chapter.

Author's Response: Hi Dan :)

Thank you so much for coming and stopping by again :) I always love to read your reviews!!

Haha well I'm glad you liked the personalities I gave te group. Jimmy is definitely super competitive and wanted to know who the quidditch captain was more than anything. Shame his friends like to tease him too much!!

I'm glad you agree that their year has much more potential now. Let's hope they use it well!! Yes I very much agree. Stupid dark lords with their stupid evil ways.

Haha it was fun using that quote. I made sure I got it exactly from the book, it felt important to get the moment right so I'm glad you appreciated it :)

Thank you so much for the typos. Much appreciated, I will go and sort them now!!

Thanks for leaving a lovely reviews Dan, I really appreciate all your kind words :)

Lauren :)


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Review #23, by MissesWeasley123 Let the Games Begin

12th February 2014:
How dareth you writ this chapter so welleth.
(this is so why I passes English.. god, my teacher must've given me pity marks lol)

All she can think about is Al eh? And maybe Al told Ruth eh? Do I smell some Al cheating on Ruth with Ivy? ;) Maybe.

One typo for you before I forget:

Ivy didn't have chance to respond though as Professor Tumber once again called for quiet from the Hall. -- didn't have the chance :) Otherwise you and Sian as we know, rock.

Er right, so where was I... RIGHT, IVY. Gah, still don't like her dunno why :P Erm.. also don't like... Poppy, yes her name is Poppy.

AND HONEY, YOU WERE TRYING TO BE ALL SNEAKY IN OUR PMs BUT I CALLED IT YES.

The last thing she remembered as her head hit the pillow was a pair of green eyes looking at her.

Who has two thumbs and a pair of green eyes? ALBUS POTTER THAT IS WHO.
I am SO Trelwaney obviously.

Excellent job on your sorting hat song, like I said before, it is amazing :) Um... yeah. so, pretty much loved everything. I liked when they were trying to guess who would be put in which house. That was really sweet and warming.

I INSANELY SHIP HULICE STILL. (is that the ship name we decided on?)

Anyway, perfect hun!

Author's Response: Nadia &hearts

You make me smile so much with your reviews you know. I honestly don't know how to thank you!! I just love them so much!!

Hmm maybe... Your on to something at least. I'm not going to say yes or no to anything yet though :p you'll have to wait to find out hehe!!

Thank you for the typo!! I'll be sorting that ASAP!! Much appreciated my friend!!

Maybe you'll grow to like Ivy but never mind if not. I'm glad you don't like poppy though, you're not supposed too ;)

Haha maybe you are. I'm staying tight lipped on this. I love reading your thoughts though!!!

Thank you :) my thoughts echo lily and Alice's on it but I'm glad you liked it anyway :) and I would totally play that game!!

Hehe I don't remember what name we picked but I don't care because I'm SO happy you ship them &heart. Eek :D

Gah this review is just complete and utter awesomeness and I'm so lucky you come and read an review!! Thank you!!

Lauren :)


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Review #24, by love_is_magic_ Things Could Be Worse

12th February 2014:
Yet another great chapter!

Hugo is just way too adorable! I can't wait to find out what happens with him and Alice... though I suspect a love triangle coming on? I guess I will just have to see!

You've done a really great job at characterizing these OCs and I honestly can't wait to read on!
Christy

Author's Response: Thank you for stopping by again!!

I'm glad you found Hugo adorable, I found this so hard to wrote because I didn't want it to go too soppy. I'm glad you liked him though!!

A love triangle huh? Hmm you'll have to wait and see!!

Thank you so much!! I really appreciate the fact you've lead this and taken the time to leave a review.

Lauren :)


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Review #25, by monstrosity Boys Gossip Too

9th February 2014:
Hello again! I'm glad you decided to request again!

The plot now thickens! Once again, you've nailed characterization. I like how the focus now shifts away from Ivy and onto the other main characters all of whom are equally intriguing. Lily is as boisterous as ever and now that's she's got a hold of the invisibility cloak and the marauder's map, I'm excited to see what's in store. She's not the sort of person to give it back to James without using it to its full extent.

Jimmy is just adorable, honestly. A poor loser, ultra competitive and so naive (mostly because of that last line and how Hugo kind of tricks him into almost revealing his secrets). Once again you've managed to put in a level of suspense in his character and now I want to know what happened in Hogsmeade. Looks like I'm going to have to wait for it. Sigh. Right now, he's like the perfect match for Lily. I'm this close to shipping them, actually.

I really like the addition of Hugo. He's this perfect blend of Hermione and Ron. He's got the wizarding chess skills as well as the cleverness. That bit about him noticing the glares when he normally doesn't just makes my overactive mind wonder what's between him and Ivy. Sorry, it's a bad habit but I tend to think ten chapters into the future :P

What I found most interesting about this chapter is how I almost forget this is their last year at Hogwarts. They've all still got that child-like innocent behavior to them, which is totally refreshing considering how 17 year olds these days like to pretend they are 21. These children seem really normal and fun to read about.

Boys definitely gossip! I'm so glad you made that statement public in your story because it is absolutely true. What I've also noticed is that they have the tendency to matchmake as well, which is highly hilarious to witness. Whenever my class goes on a field trip you can guarantee that there will be a group of boys discussing everybody else's prospects of getting a significant other. Even though Jimmy finds it hard to admit it, sometimes boys gossip even more than girls do! I'm glad that Ivy gave it to him for that :)

There's only one suggestion that I could make and it isn't really necessary to incorporate into your story. I noticed that this chapter is rather biased towards conversation, which isn't a problem because that's how the plot moves forward. However, you could perhaps intersperse it with a bit of description so that the reader can get a better picture of the scene. Something about the compartment or the scenery or something. This advice is a bit vague to be honest but I hope you do understand what I'm trying to convey.

Overall, the plot seems to be moving at a pleasant pace and while I'm eagerly awaiting an Albus appearance (however far-fetched that might be) this is a wonderfully written chapter. I hope that this review was useful and feel free to request again!

-Sathya

Author's Response: Hi again sathya :)

I'm glad too, your reviews are so useful, I really appreciate you taking the time to do them.

I'm happy you like the characterisation. Ie really tried to give each of the 5 their own voice and personality so they're distinguishable. The POV will be shifting a lot each chapter so we hear from different people.

I really love writing lily, she's so fun so I hope that comes across. She definitely will be using the cloak and map as much as possible!!

Oh jimmy is actually cool to write too. I love the desire to win that's in him and that he's a bit oblivious unless quidditch is involved. You may find out what happened in Hogsmeade but it's a secret jimmy really wants to keep. He won't give it up too easily trust me!!

Aww again, I'm so chuffed with your comments on Hugo. That's exactly what I was trying to achieve with him. As for him and Ivy well. I'm not so sure. I see where you got it from though... I love that you're already trying to think of what will come too! I do that all the time!!

Thank you for the innocent comment. I hadn't intentionally thought about that but I'm glad that's how it turns out. I don't want them to be too old too fast.

No I appreciate that CC. I think you make a completely valid point. I will go back and look at that because I like I have plenty of description. Thank you!

Again, you're review was wonderfully useful and I will most certainly be re-requesting! Thank you &heart

Lauren :)


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