Reading Reviews for Meissa
  
18 Reviews Found

Review #1, by long_live_luna_bellatrix Prologue

12th March 2014:
Wow, what a chilling first chapter. You set the mood and the tone instantly, without any room for doubt. And it's clearly not just the Dark Lord (I can infer that it is THAT lord, right?) and some Death Eater; that twist about the mark is fascinating, and a clever idea. Plus, very much something I can see happening.

One typo, maybe? The girl says "One who bares the mark," but I think it should be "One who bears the mark." Just a small thing.

I'd love to see more description at the beginning, to really cement the mood the story. I'd love to know more about the cottage's surroundings, not just what they looked like, but what they felt, smelled, even tasted like. And perhaps a bit of an insight into the girl's emotions as she approaches. Nervous? Resigned? Excited? Dread? Desperate? There are so many possibilities, then again, I'm sure there are time to develop those later.

At first I thought the character was Bellatrix-- no fear or sympathy to be seen, just unfailing loyalty. But after the twist with the mark, I don't think it's her at all. It was a good move to keep her identity a mystery for now... You have the reader interested, and he/she can move on to the smaller details later, as things flesh out.

On the whole, a great start. In relatively few words you introduced suspense, interesting characters, and a really neat concept with the mark. Congrats on your first NaNo, as well!

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Review #2, by toomanycurls Anibel

7th March 2014:
Hello!! Doing our review swap!

I really love the sense of power and might in this chapter. Everything from the people she hangs out with to her own confidence gives Annibel a dark allure that is hard to quantify or define. This chapter does a great job setting up who the key players are and how they interact, at least on the Slytherin/future Death Eater side of the house.

You only spent a short bit talking about Anibel's initiation to the death eater clan but it was extremely powerful. The scant details you gave on what it was like to get marked let my imagination fill in so many gruesome details that you hinted at.

Anibel's relationship/infactuation with Regulus is extremely interesting. He sounds physically impressive as well as magically powerful.

The coded conversation Anibel has with her friends is quite amazing. I love how they get it right away and know the signifigance of the smallest phrase. If there's one thing the bad guys do well in HP, it's their covert communication.

Anni (is it two n's when her name is shortened?) and Regulus feel like they have this elaborate dance going on between them. I'm interested to see how their power struggle develops.

Ending with Anibel's assessment of other students, especially from the Gryffindor table is very iluminating. I like how observant she is!

Really interesting chapter!

-Rose

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Review #3, by patronus_charm Sirius

7th March 2014:
Hi Janelle!

Ooh the drama was great in this chapter with the way Anni and Regulus had that altercation with James and Sirius. I thought you wrote it really well as it was so poignant with the way it touched on the issue of Sirius leaving Regulus. I thought you handled that really well because it was interesting to see both of their views on what really occurred as they differed by quite a bit.

I really hope we get to see more of them because even though Anni and Sirius didnít speak to one another I could sense a rather strange dynamic between the two which was certainly captivating and I canít wait to read more of it as you wrote it really well. Plus the brief cameo appearance from James was really great too.

I know itís a stylistic thing of yours to have small paragraphs, but I would perhaps suggest making a few of them larger than just a sentence or two because itís rather jarring to read currently and perhaps by having larger paragraphs it will increase the flow and smoothness of the chapter.

The way the Slytherins were all united when they came back to the dorm was really sweet because theyíre often portrayed as a house which has a lot of in fighting but seeing them as a fiercely loyal one instead is really lovely and it meant we got to see more of them which was a lot of fun.

Ooh the ending was great! I wonder what the nightmares are and how long theyíve been going for as it certainly sounds interesting. Great cliff-hanger and I canít wait to find out more about Anibel!

-Kiana

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Review #4, by monstrosity Regulus

3rd March 2014:
Huge apologies for taking so long with this review swap! My internet's been rather wacko off late and I it took this long to get it back to normal!

I'm just going to take a moment to say how much I love antiheroes. That's probably why I like Anibel so much. There's something really cold and calculating about her that really intrigues me. Despite her admitting that the entire thing is against her will and that she's just doing what's expected of her, I can't help noticing how cut out she is for her job. It shows how much of training the poor girl went through that she's much less a human that she is a specialized killing machine.

I like the introduction of all the new characters. I don't know if this was implied, but all the Slytherins in this story really show a side to the House that most overlook. Anibel shows how most of the children in Slytherin are under pressure to uphold a family honor and pride they don't necessarily believe in. Regulus shows that Slytherins are just as capable of loving and missing and every other emotion that other wizards and witches possess. Amber shows the side of the House that chose to remain on the wall without really acting on anything. They have their own prejudices but not all of them care to express them. Evan really shows how Slytherin loyalty rivals that of Hufflepuff. Slytherins stick together. It's as simple as that. No matter how cold and scary they seems on the outside, inside they are all just terrified children with large shoes to fill.

One more thing that I also noticed in this chapter. Anni and Regulus' relationship seems one step ahead of friendship. I understand that the horrors they've experienced tend to bring them closer, but this really has a romantic implication. I really apologize if I'm way off the mark, but that's the feeling I got from them. I think the two of them make each other very happy and they should really treasure each other's company during the dark times.

The Marauders are here! Hooray! Obviously they aren't portrayed in the kindest of light. I found it rather ironic that Anni even attends DADA since she's going to pursue a career in the dark arts anyway, but I liked the whole pairing up Gryffindor and Slytherin. Things are bound to get quite interesting.

Which brings me to your lovely ending. I always feel that every chapter requires an element of suspense to keep the reader moving forward and by Merlin this ending really took me by surprise. Of course, now I have my own suspicions on who might have trapped Regulus and Anni (the primary suspects being the marauders of course) but I guess that I'll just have to click on the next chapter to find out ;)

Overall, this was another awesome chapter and I loved reading it! Thanks for the review swap and once again I'm terribly sorry about taking so long to get here.

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Review #5, by lindslo2012 Prologue

26th February 2014:
Hey! Here for the review swap!
I very much enjoyed reading this and had not read many fics before like this one. Way to go on writing something very intense and unique, I loved it.
I don't have any CC for you and I think you are a very talented writer.
I like that she was different than his usual people. Young, small, and innocent- yet she isn't innocent at all if she bears the mark of the Dark Lord.
I hope I can read on! Come by my review thread and request a review! :D
Thanks for an awesome read!
-Lindsey

Author's Response: Hi, dear!

Thanks for such a wonderful review! It means so much! I will definitely be by to request a review for my newest chapter!

Thanks so much!

-Janelle


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Review #6, by patronus_charm Regulus

27th January 2014:
Sorry for taking an age to get here Janelle, life has been hectic!

I really liked how we got to know more about Anibel in this chapter as sheís such a fascinating character to read, really different to other Slytherin OCs or OCs in general, so Iím excited to see how she progresses. One thing that really stands out to me is how she isnít prejudiced against the other houses. When she was forced to see next to Dorcas she was like ok then, and dealt with it rather than Dorcas who seemed to have a negative attitude about her from the beginning.

I really adore the snippets of her and Regulus, theyíre so cute together and youíve built up such a lovely friendship between the two. I really like the idea that they both have close friend because I get the impression that theyíre both different and sort of loners too but at least they have one another to lean on here. I know that this is Sirius/OC but I almost want Anibel to be with Regulus, though I canít help but wonder the effects if Sirius and she do end up together.

You managed to make the school day really interesting for me to read which is something I tend to dread when stories are based in schools. It just gave me a sense of Anibel and the other characters on a normal level which is so important given so many dramatic things happen around this time but now I can just really get to know them and understand them and the idea of that is really great.

The ending was so dramatic too and I canít help but wonder who did that too her. At the moment I have a feeling itís Dorcas as those two didnít really get off to a good start in potions but that would almost seem too obvious and that thereís something else here. Hmm, Iíll have to think some more or hope that the next chapter is up soon so I can find out!

-Kiana

Author's Response: Kiana!

Ahh, thanks for the fabulous review. You're not the only one shipping Regulus... and on that note, just you wait ;D

Thanks so much. Hmm... guess you'll just have to wait to find out who it is, yeah?

Thanks so so much!

-Janelle


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Review #7, by Katie Regulus

23rd January 2014:
I love love love this story so far! Anibel and regulas's relationship is interesting and I'm curious to see how the story develops! Update soon please :)
Cliffhanger!

Author's Response: Thanks so much! It means a lot!

-Janelle


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Review #8, by Lululuna Regulus

17th January 2014:
Hi darling! Sorry for the delay, I got distracted. :P But I was really excited you had a new chapter up for me to read! :D

Annibel is so fascinating. I really don't know what I think of her yet, and whether I'm rooting for her to succeed or not. It's so intriguing seeing her in the really dramatic first chapter and then here, where she has to keep everything hidden under the surface. Right now, she seems very sure in her position, though perhaps a little nervous when she talks about how Amber is doing the right thing by supporting but not getting involved in the danger. Hmm. I also really liked Anni's comment about already being very practiced in the dark arts and not really needing DADA class.

I was wondering, exactly how old is everybody? I think Anni's in fifth year, but then she's in the same year as James and Sirius (loved how you introduced them in the class by having the prof reprimand them, by the way!). But I thought Regulus was sixteen in the last chapter, even though he's meant to be a year younger? And if she's in fifth year then don't all the students have to take DADA and all the core courses through their O.W.L's? Oh wait, here it says Reg is fifth year. Numbers are my enemy and I'm probably getting all the pieces confused, so feel free to ignore me. :P

Hmm, Dorcas and Sirius are very interesting. Dorcas seems cool, other than the fact that she used the word "bird." I wonder whether there's something going on between her and Sirius? I love how observant and calculating Anni is, how she doesn't let emotions slide on her face unless she wants them too, all her sassy and mysterious remarks. I like how she seems a little attracted to Sirius as well, if only because he reminds her of Reg. I really liked how Reg seems to miss his brother, and how observant and caring Anni is to think about that. :)

Regulus and Anni just fill me with so much butterflies and love. Is it wrong for me to want them to ditch the Death Eaters and go run off and be adorable and snarky together? I love how you've contrasted the darkness of the training for the Death Eaters and what a consuming part of their lives it is, with the daily excitements of romance and friendship. It's a really wonderful dichotomy.

Oh no, I wonder what the marauders are up to?! Hopefully not being too aggressive, though it does seem like they laid a very convenient trap. Then again, I suppose they had the map so they knew Anni and Reg were approaching, which must be helpful in springing surprise on your enemies. And they did deserve it, seeing as they were spying on them rather creepily and on purpose. :P

Great chapter, Janelle! :) I really enjoyed it! :D

Author's Response: Hi Jenna!

Thanks for the great feedback. Numbers are my enemy... I'll have to go through and fix everything. :p the boys are in sixth year, and Anni and Reg are fifth years. Whoops- I guess I forgot about that going through and editing this chapter. I'll have to find a way to fix that...

You'll just have to wait and see what the marauders are up to... ;) that chapter is edited, just a matter of it waiting in the large line of chapters to get up!

Thanks!

-Janelle


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Review #9, by monstrosity Anibel

8th January 2014:
Here from the review swap! Sorry for the delay.
A Nano story! How exciting. Did you manage to complete 50,000 words? I've always admired people who have the guts to attempt such a challenge. I'm going to try it in April with the Camp Nano :)

Back to the story. Anibel is such an intriguing character. You've left a lot to be revealed later and I'm just itching to know more about her. She has this deadly aura about her. She judges people in such an unbiased way, which is interesting for a person of her background. She can see through people, even without the Occlumency. Everything about her is so in control and poised that it's actually rather scary.

I like how you've represented the side people would normally consider darker and instead of making them pessimists and downright evil, they come across as relatively normal children with their own fears. However, they all seem much more mature than children their age, which is natural considering the way they've been brought up. It's like their training to become ruthless killing machines.

One thing that I wanted to ask you was about your title. What does Meissa mean? I had assumed that it was Anibel's name, but that wasn't the case. Is there something really significant about the title that I am missing?

Regulus comes across as the Slytherin Sirius. He just seems laid back and casual on the outside, obviously with a much darker interior. It's a surprising and refreshing change from the boy who always follows the rules and is a mini Voldemort in the making.

Snape is actually...likeable. I cannot believe it.

What I really appreciate is that you haven't bashed the normal heroes. Anibel shows an appreciation to Lily Evans. It's so nice that you haven't turned Gryffindors into enemies yet.

What i found most interesting is the ending. Why does Anibel think that her future is going to be boring and forgettable? Most Death eaters are promised a lifetime of glory for following the Dark Lord. It just makes me want to know more about her. She's such an enigma.

Overall, the suspense is amazing and I can't wait until you update! I was actually looking for similar stories and the new application couldn't find any! I guess that goes to show better than anything what a unique plot you have in the making :)

Author's Response: Hi!

I actually didn't make it. Just a little over half way. Regardless, I'm still proud of myself for trying!

I'm glad I hit the 'scary' about her. I wanted her to be ominous and mysterious, so that it she comes across as a rather unnerving character.

They are meant to be mature, like you said. The way they were brought up, I always thought that they should be mature. However, they're going to become more outgoing, and you'll see much more of their true personalities as the story progresses.

You haven't missed it. It will reveal itself! I find it rather clever, though it might not be. You'll find out!

He may be laid back and casual, but you'll find out that he hasn't really changed from JK's descriptions.

I know. I figured that if Lily liked Snape, then he really must be alright towards friends.

You're right, I haven't turned the Gryffindors into enemies... yet.

I'm so pleased that you find her to be an enigma! That's exactly what I've been aiming for!

Thanks so much for such an amazing review!

-Janelle


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Review #10, by Lululuna Anibel

16th December 2013:
Hi Janelle! Here for our swap- sorry it took me a little while. :)

This was a great chapter and brilliant continuation of the very exciting first chapter! It was great to learn the girl's name and who her friends are, and all the hints about who she is and the dark things she's done. I really love the world you've set up here with the Marked students and how superior Anni's clique is. Rollinda seems like an interesting character and I like how you chose to use Regulus and Snape as they seem like wonderful characters. I've only ever read about Severus as a student from the Gryffindor perspective so it's interesting to see him positively portrayed from a more friendly POV. He seemed very canon from what I could tell- I loved the little details like him reading the old potions book and being in love with Lily.

Hmm, am I detecting the possibility that Anni might have some feelings for Regulus? If so, I approve, since I respect him in general as a DE since he did betray Voldy in the end, and he seems quite adorable and sweet here, well for a DE that is, the moment where he was sleeping definitely made me fall in love with him a little.

Anni scares me quite a bit in a way because she seems so likeable and honest with the reader, but then she has this obvious dark side. I'm so curious to find out what's going to happen and if she's going to continue being so dark or begin to change. The descriptions of going through tasks were really intriguing and I'm curious to find out more about the process of initiation and the DE community at Hogwarts. Anni's past is also very curious, what with how she doesn't have a family to say goodbye to her and how she feels like a bit of an intruder at school.

The mentions of Lily and Peter were really interesting! I loved how Peter was mentioned above all the other Marauders as it makes sense that he might interest Anni more as he could be recruited to their cause. I've never really seen a story focus on Peter and not the other Marauders so that was a really great detail. The focus on Lily and Anni being a little jealous that she would be remembered far more was wonderful as well, and really made me excited and curious to find out what happens next.

The whole narrative had this really chilling and suspenseful air which I really enjoyed. Anni seems like a really intriguing OC and I'm excited to see where you'll take her and how she will develop and change over the course of the novel. She seems so cold and elitist, so calculating, but then there are these little moments of humanity which make me really want to know her better. Excellently done Janelle! :)

Author's Response: Jenna!

Thanks for the lovely comments. I'm thankful that this chapter transitioned well from the first, and I'm also relieved that you didn't think her clique was too much, and Severus wasn't too horridly written. I hate writing cannons.

You'll just have to wait and see about Reg, but I do agree with respecting him. He's one of my favorite characters.

Everything you describe Anni as is exactly what I was aiming for, so thanks for the lovely comments about her.

Lily and Peter are very untouched characters, and it wasn't until I was in the middle of writing this chapter that I decided I was going to write about Lily, and then later on I decided I wanted to write about Peter so I added him in here.

Thanks so much Jenna! This review made me smile. All the compliments!

Thanks!


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Review #11, by The Misfit Prologue

11th December 2013:
Hi Janelle! Firstly, I'd just like to apologize for the delay in reviewing; I've been really tired the past few days and I wanted to give you a review worthy of your story, which is fabulous so far!

I really like the mysterious tone you've used in describing what's going on around the girl. The little details that you include - the knocks on the door for example - add a lot to this chapter. It's a breath of fresh air to have a Death Eater wannabe meet Voldemort in a situation that doesn't involve the whole group, but I'm wondering why this is and what makes this girl special, which is excellent because I want to read on!

I enjoyed the way Voldemort spoke to the girl; it's very authentic and gives off the impression that although he likes her, she remains disposable. Your interpretation of the Dark Mark is refreshingly unique - I've never read a story where it's split into two stages, and I like the way you've depicted this!

I also noticed a small typo: "But you bare only part of the mark." - bare should be bear ;)

Overall, this was a really interesting prologue and it definitely makes me want to read on! Excellent work, Janelle ♥

Author's Response: Thanks so much for the amazing review! I'll change that bare. Don't ask why I wrote wrote that! Lol. But seriously, thanks so much!

-Janelle


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Review #12, by bellatrixlestrange123 Anibel

5th December 2013:
Here for our review swap!

Oh my, this chapter was even better than the last. I am seriously oh so very jealous of your writing and the fact that it flows so naturally. You seem to include just the right amount of detail for the things that actually matter to the story. You don't waffle on and on and trust me, that's a talent!

I'm also loving how you've incorporated snape and regulus in here! Both polar opposites and you did a wonderful job as do doscribing them as that.

The only CC I have is that the spacing between the paragraphs made the chapter a bit hard to read but nothing to distracting to take the reader away from your lovely writing :)

Keep up he great work!

Author's Response: Thanks so much for the lovely compliments! I must say, formatting around here has never been something I grasp easily. :p Though I know it's just me that's causing the issues, haha.

Thanks so much!

-Janelle


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Review #13, by toomanycurls Prologue

5th December 2013:
RRT!!

I am so intrigued by this story! I love Marauder era stories. It seems as if you're setting this person up to go to Hogwarts and potentially infiltrate the student body (is the she OC that is paired with Sirius?)

I can tell this will be a great read - I'm going to keep an eye out for more to read on this. Did you finish this during NaNo? Because it will be awesome to see how you develop this plot!

The way you've described the setting with the Dark Lord is terrifying and creepy. It gives a great feel of foreboding and terror.

Awesome work!
-Rose

Author's Response: Rose!

You'll just have to wait and see about infiltrating the student body or not... as well as if she's the OC paired with Sirius or not.;) I don't want to post any spoilers as to whether or not she becomes interested in Sirius!

I didn't finish this during NaNo, but I have eleven chapters (including the two published) written completely, and twelve sitting in Microsoft Word waiting to be completed.

Thanks for the lovely compliments! I was worried about writing the Dark Lord.

Thanks again!

-Janelle


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Review #14, by bellatrixlestrange123 Prologue

4th December 2013:
Here with your review swap!!

My, can I just say that I will definitely be reading on! I was in awe when I finished this chapter; it was so well written and crisp to read. What I mean by that is the fact that everything flowed really well and you included some lovely lovely imagery in there!

All the foreboding discription about the stone cottage really had me almost fearing for the girl as she passed through the woods towards it. Over and above that, you added a little bit of human nature into the discription too, especially when it came to writing about the trees! Well done :)

Also, Voldy ( I presume it's him) was scary dude, that's such an achievement to right so good!!

Keep up the great work! :)

Author's Response: Thanks so much for the lovely review! Voldy was, in fact, a scary dude. I'm very relieved that you feel as though I wrote him well enough. He is a character I'm extremely uncomfortable writing.

Thanks so much!

-Janelle


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Review #15, by patronus_charm Anibel

3rd December 2013:
Ooh this chapter was even more interesting than last which is great because the previous kept me hooked throughout!

I never really thought of what Death Eaters at Hogwarts might have been like, so the way you delved into in this chapter was really great. The mix of familiar canon characters such as Snape and the introduction of OCs was really great and Iím sure theyíre going to provide a great read for me. I like theyíre unique personalities too, and how theyíve all got that code of conduct about what to go at Hogwarts and the general intricacy of it all was great.

So we learn her name! I canít wait to meet the rest of Yaxley family because Iím sure it will be great. I like the way we learn a bit more about Anibel in this chapter, but it was weaved in really well that it wasnít too obvious which was great. The story about her getting the scar at Malfoy Manor has sparked my interest, much like the other hints she gave away in this chapter so I hope we get to learn more about it all soon!

I have a feeling Regulus and Anibel may become a little more than friends :P I like the way youíve already established some chemistry between them, and I like the twist of the girl being the more powerful one as we rarely see that and it will make for a more interesting read. The focus on the other Black family members, Narcissa and Sirius, was really interesting and I canít wait to see how they play a part in the story too.

Great chapter and I canít wait for the next!

-Kiana

Author's Response: Kiana!

Thanks so, so much! I'm relieved that you find my writing weaved together well, and that nothing was too obvious. The story about the scar will be interesting, I promise (All I can say is that for my readers who read 'In My Time', my other novel, they will love it).

As for Reg and Anibel, you'll have to wait and see.

As well as the rest of the Blacks...

Thanks again!

-Janelle


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Review #16, by patronus_charm Prologue

3rd December 2013:
Hey Janelle, sorry it took a while to get this, I got caught up in making gingerbread men :P

I really loved the opening lines! They were so loaded with great description, a wonderful gothic horror feel and general suspense it set the scene for the story really excellently and definitely kept me reading. Another thing which I liked and was related to this was how this theme kept on running throughout the story and wasnít just in the opening the lines so that worked really well.

Hmm, the link to the dark arts and Voldemort was really great! I can only assume that when they said master and mark it referred to him and the dark mark, if it doesnít, it will have even more suspense. I really do wonder who the girl is though because I canít seem to recall her from anywhere yet she carried so much weight in this chapter it was really great.

More detail on the girl itself now! I really liked the way you slipped in a few details about her so we got the basic idea. One point I did find interesting was how you called her a girl yet she seemed so mature and perhaps older than a girl denotes so it will be interesting to learn more about that. Then her narration was a rather recluse and step back from the audience one which fitted in with the suspense.

All in all, a really great chapter and I canít wait to read on!

-Kiana

Author's Response: Kiana!

Thanks for the wonderful review. I was aiming for suspenseful and mysterious, so I'm glad I hit the nail on the head for that one!

Thanks so much for the compliments, they mean so much to me!

-Janelle


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Review #17, by LightLeviosa5443 Prologue

1st December 2013:
Hihi! So i'm here because you requested a review on my thread, and can I just say... Wow! Holy Canoli! Before I start any reviewing, that chapter is awesome!

Alright, so I'm doing this in order because I wrote notes as I went along. In the second set of sentences where you say "The hood of her black cloak was drawn closely around her face and her forearm, which throbbed from a fresh wound, was concealed within the sleeves of her jumper beneath her cloak." I honestly got a little confused as to what you were talking about. After re reading it, I understood what you were saying, but my initial reaction was a bit of a wait, what's concealed?

I like how you don't really do paragraphs, but instead chunk off two or three sentences, I don't know if it was on purpose or not, but I think it adds emphasis to the story. I feel like I really absorbed what a few sentences had told me before going on. It added a bit of a dramatic flare, if you will.

It's a bit short for a chapter in a novel, in my opinion. But it said everything it needed to. It most definitely wasn't lacking detail or anything like that, so I don't think that length is something to worry about because I found it perfect.

I really did love this chapter, I'm most certainly putting this on my currently reading so I can keep up with it, I can't wait to see what you do more with this story. Who is the girl? I see from your post in my thread that you've listed Sirius/OC, Severus/Lily and James/Lily for the ships. I super duper can't wait for those to be introduced!

Update soon! The queue for validation is super short right now!

All around brilliant job!

xoxo LL

Author's Response: LL! Thanks a ton for the great review. I'll take a look at that one sentence. I actually do the whole 2-3 sentence construction when I'm writing something suspenseful or dark, so i naturally wrote it like that. The lengths will be longer in the future, but this one is an intro chapter. It's actually labeled as a prologue. You'll meet some of the characters in the next chapter!

I'll definitely be back to re-request some reviews for this story!

Thanks!

-Janelle


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Review #18, by Lululuna Prologue

9th November 2013:
Hello! First of all congrats on posting the first chapter of your NaNo story- that's so exciting, and hopefully provides even more incentive to make it to the full 50k! :D

Wow, you really blew me away with the description and the suspense and horror in this chapter. The opening lines were beautiful and drew me in right away. I love all the contrasts in the story: I'd usually associate a cottage in the woods with fairytales or something lighter, but instead it's this horrible and terrifying torture chamber. Also, a petite girl is hardly the stereotypical Death Eater, and I love the descriptions of her and can't wait to find out more about her.

In the story I really got the feeling that the author knows so much more about what's going on and is hiding things from the reader to reveal in due time, and the mystery is so powerful. Little details like the knock on the door were great in conveying this.

I also really enjoyed how creepy Voldy was in here. You really got the sense of his power and darkness across, especially with the horrible moment of his touching her arm and his words echoing in the room. The idea of only being partly marked was interesting as well and will be a unique way of manipulating and motivating the girl, I suspect.

A couple grammar comments: in the sentence One that bares the mark I think it should be 'bears the mark.' Both verbs actually sort of fit here, but mean different things. I also think it should be "who bears the mark" instead of "that." With the man who bared the mark as well I think it should be "bore the mark," unless they're both showing off their marks by baring their arms. :P

In this sentence: smirk was the fully stretched across his face I think there is an extra 'the.'

Well this was a wonderful start- well done! :D I love your writing here and can't wait for the next chapter!

Author's Response: Ahh, Jenna, you're too great!

Thanks so much for the lovely comments. I'm glad I got the suspense and horror across-- i was worried about that. And thanks for the grammar tips! You and I both know that's my weakest point.

Thanks again!

-Janelle


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