Reading Reviews for Unrequited
6 Reviews Found

Review #1, by UnluckyStar57 Unrequited

12th July 2014:
Well darn. High drama is the stuff that I eat for breakfast. :)

The Baron is so scary and dangerous. I knew as soon as he flashed the knife at the innkeeper that he was going to use it again... (Also, canon says that he does, but let's overlook that for the purpose of this story.) :) You described the scenes--of Rowena asking him to go, and of his rejection and murder and death--so vividly and with such dramatic language. The Baron is obviously one very messed up dude, and Helena is right to refuse him. However, it's not such a good thing for her, is it?

I like the parallels between his italicized thoughts at the end. She doesn't want him, so no one can have her, and he can't have her, so he doesn't want anyone. And he stabbed them both in the heart. Broken hearts--literally. That's some serious stuff!

You did a brilliant job with this. I enjoyed reading it!

House Cup 2014 Review


Author's Response: Hello! Sorry for the delayed response, I need to get better at answering my reviews, especially lovely ones like this!

This was my first attempt at founders era stuff so I'm always really pleased when people like it :) I do think that the Baron was ultimately a spoilt brat about his feelings towards Helena.

Thanks so much for the review!

 Report Review

Review #2, by remembertoturnonthelight Unrequited

2nd March 2014:
Whilst waiting for "Seized" to be updated, I decided to look at some of your other stuff, and I absolutely LOVE this.

Author's Response: Thank you!! I'm glad you enjoyed it :)

 Report Review

Review #3, by pigmypuff13 Unrequited

9th January 2014:
That was a really interesting and cool read! I loved the way you portrayed the Helena, and the ending was perfectly surprising! Oh, and if you feel like reading something, check out the first chapter if my story that was recently validated, called The Perks of Being a Riddle! It would be so amazing if you would R&R! Thanks a billion!

Author's Response: Thank you so much, I'm really glad you enjoyed it. And thanks for the recommendation :)

 Report Review

Review #4, by SilentConfession Unrequited

20th December 2013:
Hey Dee! Sorry for the lateness of this review! I was trying to write both my writers duel and a new chapter of Orchard (which is nearly done, by the way!) Thank you for your patience.

Right, i'm no Founders expert. There is a reason I've never attempted to write a story on it yet because I don't think I could ever get the tone of the story right. I think, generally, you did a good job with word choice and making the story feel like it was in era. I think what might have helped even more is in your description. What makes the world you're writing about look different from the world we know now? That would help set it back in time for me. Your dialogue was good, I think you did well keeping their words a little more formal and archaic. If you could also have that reflect in some of his thought processes as well, it would make it seem more connected.

I think the darkness you've introduced to this story is really lovely. How he's fighting it immediately as the story begins. It sets a darker theme to your story which is exactly what you want. I like how you focus on the the wolves, the rustling of the underbrush of unknown creatures, and his journey for something even more dangerous than what the woods have to offer. That really helps set the tone for a darker piece. You set that up really nice. I think that as the story went on, if there had been a little more imagery you'd have captured the horror of the story better. I think what would have helped was a stronger lead up to him pulling the knife on her. It felt quite sudden and it sort of jarred me from the story. If you included a little bit more where the anger flashed across him, and he found himself losing his reason it would have made the end where he took the life of the woman he loved stronger. Also, maybe if we sensed more of the repercussions of his actions (more thought process perhaps before he kills himself as well) would help us feel the horror of the situation. As it is, that moment, which is the most horrifying bit of the story, happens quite quickly compared to the lead up. It felt a bit unbalanced to me. Don't get me wrong, I think what you have here is a good piece, especially if it isn't your usual genre. It's just my opinion that if the end bit was tightened up a bit, you could make this even better.

I like how you added some of the backstory into this as well. We got a small sense of why Helena left, perhaps she felt little love from her mother. Perhaps she wanted to gain the wit that her mother had. It made me wonder why she took the diadem in the first place, but those are questions that I don't think need to be answered in this, it just gives me a sense that there is a bigger story out there and we're only show a short blurb. I think that is an excellent tactic for one-shots to be honest :). I also really liked the contrast between the rational Baron and how he went about finding her, and to the moment where he lost control. That really helped crete horror because it seemed like the opposite of what a character like him would do. It was well done. You're writing style is really easy to read as well and makes reading this incredibly smooth.

Thank you so much for requesting from me Dee! This was a pleasure to read!

Author's Response: Hi Zayne!I'm sorry back for the lateness of the reply :P

I'm not a founders expert either, I've read some amazing founders fics so the idea of writitng this was a little daunting.

Description is something I'm really awful at, though I'm working on it. I always start with it in mind and then as the story goes on I get myself so lost in plot that I forget about it, and this story is no different.

I definitely want to come back to this and tweak it so all of your comments are really helpful. Having read this again, I completely agree about the build up to him killing Helena and using his thought processes more.

Reading DH again gave me the idea for this, the brief talk Harry has with Helena leads to a million questions and a whole story in itself, it's one of the things I love most about JKR's writing, that she has created hundreds of stories that all link with Harry's in some way. You're completely right about the bigger story, if I was better at Founders era writing maybe I would have attempted it haha.

Thank you so much for all of the lovely compliments and the helpful advice, I'll definitely come back to this in the new year :)

 Report Review

Review #5, by marauderfan Unrequited

17th November 2013:
Hello there Dee :) I was just randomly stalking your author page so I thought I'd leave a review for you! :p

This was a great account of the Bloody Baron's tale. His story is a sad and twisted one, and I think you portrayed that very well, what with the contrast between the side of him that is very loving, but also the selfish and impulsive side when he snaps. I also like the way you wrote the relationship between Helena and her mother, I think it's very fitting to both characters.

It was also cool that you included some background on why Helena chose Albania as the place to flee to, and how the Baron didn't have much of an issue finding her as he knew where to look. Your description of the Albanian forest is really vivid as well.

Also, you did an excellent job with the dialogue, it sounded appropriately archaic. That's something I personally struggle with when I'm writing Founders era so I notice and appreciate it when others can do it properly! :p

Lovely work on this! ♡

Author's Response: Hi Kristin! What a lovely surprise!

I know you're somewhat of a fan of the marauder era (see what I did there?) so I am thrilled that you liked my first attempt at it!

The Bloody Baron has always been an interesting character for me, the fact that he was obviously a really violent man but still loved Helena is something I've always found fascinating. I really wanted to know more about their story when I read Deathly Hallows so writing my own headcanon was fun :)

I'm so pleased you mentioned the dialogue, it was my biggest worry when I wrote this, I ended up changing it a LOT before posting to try and get it 'old' enough.

Thank you so much for the lovely review!

 Report Review

Review #6, by LillyRoseanne Unrequited

28th October 2013:
I like your first two sentences, they really give a good description of oppressive darkness, however, your third sentence in that paragraph just seems a little jarring in comparison. I think for me at least, that the word 'tread' is what causes this. But anyway.

I like that even the Baron considers that Rowena may care more for her diadem than she did for her daughter, making me wonder, that for all her wisdom how she didn't see it coming. Which I think, had you intended for this to be more than just a one shot, would have been an interesting idea to explore. In this as it stands though, it gives us a teasing hint as to Helena's motivation for running away.

I also like how the Baron seems to be so calm and in control to start with, methodically going about finding her, bribing the wizard to tell him how to find her. Then all of a sudden he sees red and turns into this jealous murderer, and your use of italics to show this internal thought pattern and his memories was really clever and well executed. Then the red fades and he's left to deal, or not, with what he's done. I think the Baron really does show true Slytherin cowardice in that moment, nice.

Overall I really enjoyed it... Well done

Author's Response: It's taken me far too long to reply to this review, I blame NaNo!

I always found the story of the Baron and Helena really interesting so it was nice to be able to explore my own headcanon of it. Personally, I think that Rowena would have been a little arrogant about the wit that she had because of the diadem and the idea that someone could be clever enough to steal it from her would be preposterous which was ultimately her downfall.

The Baron is certainly an interesting character to write. We know he was capable of love because he was in love with Helena so I wanted to show that side of him but obviously he had a flip side to his character and I wanted to write a good balance of both.

I'm really pleased you enjoyed it and I'll take a look at that sentence again, thank you :)

Dee x

 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login