2 Reviews Found

Review #1, by MargaretLane Diagon Alley

3rd November 2013:
There isn't really any need to label this as being Albus's point of view. It's clear from your first sentence anyway.

Hmm, I think Jamie is rather more associated with being a boy's name than a girl's name, so that may not be the best choice. "laughs at her calling Lily "Robert"* That's rather random. Though I've a cousin who calls her little sister "Jimmy" when her name is "Sarah", so it's not any weirder than that really.

You've written that she's going to find the Malfoy boy and "drop and egg". It should be "an egg".

Sammie Demoverse seems like an interesting character. I like the fact that one of your main characters doesn't appear to have a parent we know. It leaves us a little more to find out about them. Not that sons and daughters of canon characters can't be interesting, but it's nice to meet completely new characters too.

And what you've told us about her background makes her even more interesting. The fact that their fathers fought on the opposite sides of the wizarding war is bound to create issues in Albus's and Sammie's friendship and I'm now interested to see how they navigate them.

Hmm, the fact she thinks everybody is going to expect her to be useless at everything and that everybody judges books by covers is also really intriguing and gives us a good deal of insight into her character. She's obviously got pretty low self-esteem, possibly because of her father's involvement with the Death Eaters.

She's also a bit of a cynic, isn't she? Assuming most people only believe the very pretty can be even average at anything. *laughs* I'm guessing at least part of her story will involve her learning that plenty of people will judge her abilities based on her performance.

Though of course, if she assumes she'll get lower marks, be refused a place on the Quidditch team, etc, then it's quite possible she won't try as hard as she otherwise might and will then blame her lower marks, failure to get a place on the team and so on on everybody's prejudice against those who aren't exceptionally good-looking. It'll be interesting to see if she falls into that trap.

Of course, if she wants to be a singer that could explain part of what she feels since success in the music industry often seems to be as much about looks as about talent, so it would make sense that she'd feel people were judging her based entirely on her looks.

If Sammie is around Albus's age, her father can't have disappeared too soon after the war, as he'd have to have been around for her conception. Unless he disappeared and reappeared temporarily. *ponders*

 Report Review

Review #2, by MargaretLane Good Morning

3rd November 2013:
I really like the title of this story. I'm already wondering if the mystery has anything to do with a werewolf or if the full moon has other significance.

Hmm, interesting. Sounds like Dominique has a crush on Teddy, who is about 19 at this point and may or may not be dating her sister.

The description of Dominique is rather detailed. It's usually better to include information like that gradually. After all, Rose knows Dominique well and is presumably used to how she dresses, so you wouldn't really expect her to pay too much attention to it.

One small mistake I've noticed if that you've written that Rose had never thought of her cousin as being "interesting in boys". It should be "interested".

I like your characterisation of Dominique. We're getting a good deal of insight into her character here.

Floo powder is spelled "floo", not "flu".

Really like the effect you show it as having on Rose and the information that she has a weak stomach. It's nice to get little details like that about a character.

I also like the fact that this chapter is from Rose's point of view rather than Albus's. Not that there's anything wrong with Albus's point of view, but it's more unusual for a story to start from Rose's.

Love the name V-V Day. It's a perfect name for it really. And I like the attention you've paid to the fact that Victoire was born on a day that has both good and bad memories.

When Ginny is going on about Dominique dying her hair might be a more natural place to focus on Dominique's looks rather than starting the chapter with them.

LOVE the comment about Dominique being a compulsive liar.

 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login