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Review #1, by maskedmuggle Part I

14th December 2013:
Hey there!

Here from the forums for your requested review. First off, I really liked this opening chapter and your portrayal of Pansy! Also, just as a note: I haven't read your one-shot Psychopath so I'll be reviewing this chapter as a complete stand alone fic.

Plot - so far, I'm actually pretty hooked to find out what Pansy tries next to get closer to Draco. I think the bar setting was written well, and all the interactions and dialogue between Draco/Pansy and Draco/Hermione was really interesting to read about. I especially loved Draco's disbelief when Pansy brought in breakfast the day after.. that moment just made me lol.

Characterisation - I think this was your main concern, but I'm here to reassure you that your Pansy is actually great, and that I definitely get a sense of the possibility that she's going to become psychopathic! You conveyed this really well to me through her utter seriousness in bringing Draco breakfast and her repeat attempts to try and see Draco again. Although you said you weren't really focused on sticking to Pansy's true character as in the books, I actually feel like your Pansy is very canon, so I guess, well done to you for managing that even if you weren't intending to! I feel like you nailed Pansy's internal thoughts and the way she talks.. she feels a bit fake, self-absorbed and still prejudiced, and I find that her character/mind in this chapter is all around just really realistic.

As for Draco and Hermione.. both who are arguably harder to characterise perfectly than Pansy as they're very prominent characters in JKR's books.. I also thought you did a really great job of it. I found the way that Draco was initially friendly to Pansy then quite aloof extremely believable. The only thing I'm a bit iffy about is how you characterise Draco at Hogwarts as a 'player' of sorts - "when he kissed another new girl in the corridors." which is not really how JKR portrays him to be. That's the only negative I have for Draco's characterisation. I can also imagine Hermione rising over all the events of the past in treating Draco as a fellow co-worker. Normally my main critique of Dramiones is the unbelievable characterisation of Draco and Hermione, but honestly so far in this chapter.. their interaction/dialogue/characterisation felt quite believable, so I really have to commend you for that!

You already noted that you've found several grammar errors so I avoided copying and pasting them here - mainly it was just a few sentences here and there that could probably be reworded so that the whole story flowed better. In some instances, you tend to join clauses together without a connecting word/s, such as in "I looked around, a lot of familiar faces and one I did not expect to see around here." As a sentence, it sounds a bit strange as if it's missing something. Consider rewriting it to something like "I looked around and saw a lot of.." Similarly in the sentence: ""Draco Malfoy" I smiled, the blonde man turned around and faced me." However, in this case maybe splitting it into two sentences might work better? Another thing: the name Margret is usually spelt Margaret, although if you intended for the secretary to have the strange spelling name, then ignore me! Also, in Draco's dialogue "I knew where to find you" I believe you meant I know where.. Lastly, there's a little inconsistency as you use both "Fire Whiskey" and "firewhiskey". I believe firewhiskey is one word.. so maybe just make it all consistent. All in all, I'd probably recommend just reading through the chapter (perhaps out loud) to ensure that every sentence makes complete sense.

Okay, so despite my nitpicking of your spelling/grammar/punctuation/etc (all of which can be easily fixed) I really enjoyed reading this first chapter! It did precisely what I believe a first chapter should do: introduce the characters, establish what's happening and interest the reader to continue reading. I apologise for the essay length of the review - I find it really easy to say so much.. but hopefully it helps! Feel free to contact me on the forums if you have any further concerns/questions! So basically, I really liked the plot/characters in this chapter and you wrote it well!

- Charlotte/maskedmuggle :)

Author's Response: Wow, thank you so much for your review! That was just what I needed!
Funny I tried to write her OOC but ended up being Canon, haha :D Well, maybe my picture of her isn't far from the books afterall.
I was actually thinking of changing that part with him being player, so good point.
And thank you for finding those errors, I'll fix them as soon as I can! There are some phrases and sentences I still need to learn how to write, or... a lot actually.
It's nice to know that I did well in the first chapter, then I can calmly continue writing chapter two :D
Thank you so much for your review! It truly helped a lot.


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