Reading Reviews for Behind Darkness There is Stars
  
18 Reviews Found

Review #1, by love_is_magic_ A Visit to Grimmauld Place

3rd December 2013:
Besides some very minor grammar slips, I am absolutely adoring your story! I love reading about the trio from another perspective, and I don't think I have ever read Ron's.
I love where you're going with this and I can't wait to read more!!

Author's Response: Hi! Thx soo very much I am so happy you like it!!!:D

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Review #2, by xMsFiggx A Visit to Grimmauld Place

26th November 2013:
I really like that Hermione recognizes that Ron needs a friend right now. This is a perspective I haven't really read before, but that I think makes sense for the two of them. Maybe they wouldn't just jump into a relationship after the war. Perhaps Ron would feel that after Fred's death he just wasn't in a place where he could be in a relationship yet. Hope you keep writing!

Author's Response: Hi MsFigg!
Thank you so much for your review. I am glad you like it so far and I defidently will keep writing because I have some good ideas for this story. I do not want them to rush into a relationship.. especially RIGHT after Ron lost his brother. I think that would be a little unrealistic and too fast ;) I have made some of my stories too fast and I am trying to get better with that. Thanks so much for your review once again and I hope you keep reading on! :D
-Linds


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Review #3, by marauderfan Grieving Burrow

24th November 2013:
Hi! I'm here with our review swap!

I was excited to see you had a Ron/Hermione story up, as they're probably my favourite couple. This story starts out so sad! I think you did a really good job portraying the grief felt by all the members of the Weasley family immediately following the war. Particularly Molly - the line about a mother having to bury her child was really strong. :(

I think your characterisations of the Weasleys are pretty good adhering to canon, as well. Ron in particular, trying to comfort his mother but he's not very good at being comforting. His heart is in the right place though.

And George. Every time I think about Fred's death in the series it just makes me so sad about how hard it would have been for George in particular. I can't even imagine. Fred's death was just so sad and you've captured that sadness very well in your opening chapter.

Great job!

Author's Response: Hi there!
Thank you soo very much! I am so glad you like it. :)


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Review #4, by Courtney Dark Grieving Burrow

12th November 2013:
Hey there!

Wow, this was a really great first chapter! I can see that you have some really great, clear ideas that are obviously going to make for an awesome story! I'm actually looking forward to seeing where you take it!

I've read a couple of stories set after the battle of Hogwarts, from the main characters points of view, but none so soon. Only a week later...it's no wonder everyone is still grieving for Fred! Every time I think about his death, I just want to start bawling my eyes out all over again, like I did when I first read the book. I think you wrote the grief of the Weasley's really well, especially Molly's. Of course she would still be crying in the mornings, a week after her son's death - like you said, no parent should have to bury or outlive their child.

I think you characterized Molly especially well in this chapter - even though she was still heartbroken about her son's death, as she should be, and still fighting off her tears, she was still trying to be strong for her other children, still that protective mother.

One thing I would suggest would be getting a beta reader or reading carefully through this chapter, as they were a few tense changes (which can easily be sorted out) and, more confusingly, points throughout this story when it seemed like the point of view had changed, but I wasn't quite sure if and who it had changed to. Like one moment I was sure I was reading from Ron's point of view, and the next we'd suddenly be getting insight into Hermione's thoughts, which seemed a bit weird.

The flow of this first chapter for the first half was very good, but as we got near the end of the chapter, I felt like the flow and pace was a little jumpy, like things were moving too quickly. Perhaps this was because events were stated rather than described? Maybe a little more imagery or inner thoughts would help this?

Overall, this was a great first chapter! I hope this review was helpful!

Courtney:_

Author's Response: Hi Courtney!
Thanks alot for my review, it was very hopeful. Yes someone previously pointed out about the point of view thing; I think I will change that a bit because my aim is for the story to be in Ron's POV but show the thoughts of the others somehow too..? Idk but I thank you much for giving me a great review!
-Linds


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Review #5, by Red_headed_juliet A Visit to Grimmauld Place

11th November 2013:
I love that you've included Kreature! I really have nothing new to say from the last chapter. I still think you should pay attention to tense a little more. Also, avoid using 'that' as much. It's not as personal as using the or a instead, and reminds us all that we aren't part of the story. Really try to adopt a characters point of view and try to describe things from their perspective, it will bring the reader more into the story instead of feeling as though thier viewing it from afar, if that makes sense. Again, if you'd like to get a Beta reader, I think that it would really help you catch the little things that we all look over. ( I need a Beta reader too) +]

Author's Response: I would like to get a beta if you are offering! :D
Thanks so much for another awesome review!!!


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Review #6, by maraudertimes A Visit to Grimmauld Place

11th November 2013:
:(
This makes me sad...
I can't even squeal at the beauty of it because I'm so sad...
WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!!?!?!
Sorry, lost control of the emotions...

Okay, but in all honesty, this is really good. I think you've really captured the feeling of resentment Ron would have towards people who didn't lose a family member in the war, and the awkwardness between him and Hermione after their friendship became more than that because of a kiss.

The Kreacher situation made me so sad, even if he isn't the nicest House Elf, but come on. An oven? Death eaters suck.

So congratulations, I'm not flailing. I'm just hugging myself and trying to keep my heart from bursting. No big deal. It really isn't!

BRB crying...

Okay, I'm back! This is Lo, signing off. :)

P.S. *cries while blubbering about how nice it was and sweet, and ALL the feelings... except maybe happiness... nah, there's still happiness*

Author's Response: Lol Lo,
Thanks so much for another amazing review! :D
I'm glad you like it!


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Review #7, by Red_headed_juliet Grieving Burrow

11th November 2013:
Hey there! Here for a review swap! I think that you have a very good idea here, and some great raw material. You may want to get a long term beta reader, and honestly, I'd love to help if you need it. There were some tense and punctuation errors, and a beta reader would really help you with that. Also, with the way you've written, it's difficult to tell which person's point of view you're writing from. I first thought it was Ron, but then you gave insight into Hermione's thoughts, and I thought perhaps you were switching between them, and then something internal from Ginny came up and i was a little confused. I also think you should look out for run-on sentences. For example:

Ron looked across the room where the slumbering form of Harry Potter slept bundled in the bedís comforter. His messy black hair stuck on all ends of the room it seemed and his lightning scar had started to fade more and more every day since he no longer held that connection with Voldemort.

This passage reads a little funny. The adjective slumbering already tells us that Harry is asleep, so sleeping is no longer necessary. You could also format the next sentence to read a little better. As it is, it reads as though his messy hair is all over the room, which mean his hair was very very long, which I don't think is what you were going for.

I hope that I'm not being too harsh, I just wanted to help you develop. You do have a very good idea here, and several truly good parts, for instance:

The silence of the burrow was too loud to ignore.

This was a very beautifully constructed sentence that managed to convey a lot of feeling with a few words. You definitely have a lot of potential. I hope that you don't think i hated it, because i didn't. i just see that you have room for improvement, and would love to see this story develop. I'm going to read the next chapter now! I'll leave you another review there +]

Author's Response: Aww thank you so much, if you would like to be my beta for this story that would be awesome! :) Thanks for the beautiful review!

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Review #8, by Lady Asphodel A Visit to Grimmauld Place

7th November 2013:
Hi! Alishya here from the review thread,

First, I want to say I am so sorry for the late review. It was late at night when I agreed to read and review this story but because I was trying to do other numerous tasks... I had fell asleep.

Anyways, I just woke up now and just finished reading this chapter so I'll move on to the review you were waiting for. :)


So this chapter was really nice. It's sad but great at the same time like you mentioned that Ron can relate to Harry in terms of losing loved ones. And I'm glad that you didn't make Hermione incompetent to help Ron at the time of need because I had read a lot of stories (when it came to Harry/Ginny pairing) and when the author's try to make Hermione help Harry when Sirius died, in result Harry would get angry because she always seemed to push him to talk about his feelings and/or she would relate his feelings to a book.. and I feel like Hermione... isn't really like that at all. She's the most sentimental... or emotional one out of the three and... basically you made her a good friend instead of an annoying one. I know she can be pushy at times, but she's a great friend as well...

Sorry, I trailed off from the point.

Anyways, for further thoughts, like I mentioned before in the last chapter, I feel like the chapter should have more description. Your story has too many basic sentences - WHICH ISN'T A BAD THING! No not all. However, they can be more developed so that you can draw in the reader. Now I there are those who don't like long chapters, but there's nothing much happening in the chapter so far. I feel like this could have been a part of the first chapter...

When it comes to description, it honestly creates a picture like a movie for the readers.

In the part where Ron and Hermione were talking, you could have delved deeper with that part. You rushed through it like... "oh okay, they conversating - and now dinner time." It leaves the readers hanging.

Here's how I'd write out that scene.


"Ron, are you up there?" Came Hermione's light voice.

Ron's eyes snapped open, sitting up quickly when he heard the footsteps coming in. He didn't think he could fall asleep since it's been so long since he's had a good night's rest.

A light tapping on there door, signaled that Hermione was there. "Come in," he said, a hint of tiredness laced in his voice.


The doorknob turned to the side, and the door pushed open. Hermione peered around the wooden door, her bushy hair falling over her shoulder.

She opened her mouth to say something, but when she took a good look around the room, Ron saw realization lit her eyes.

Eventually, Hermione entered the room, walking towards him with her hands tangled together nervously.


"You're staying here?" Hermione whispered, shifting her body to sit beside him on the mattress.

"No, I'll move into mum and dad's room." Ron whispered back. He turned his head to look at her face to find that she was doing the same, but they got lost into each other's eyes. Hermione exhaled shakily, pulling Ron's head upon her shoulder.

Ron was actually glad that she pulled him into her. He hated to show weakness. However, Ron knew that he had to be careful with his pride because twice it had practically destroyed his friendship with Hermione and Harry.

Then, he remembered the times whenever it came to a hug or any physical contact with Hermione, they would stop themselves at the last minute. Ron smiled at the thought.

"Ron," said Hermione.

"Yeah?" Ron replied, raising his eyebrows.

"Do you want to talk?" She asked, rubbing the back of his neck.

"No," he answered quickly, shaking his head, pulling away from her. "I mean what is there to talk about." Ron attempted to sound nonchalant, but it seemed feeble even to his own ears. Hermione did not respond. She watched him with such concern that Ron had to turn away. "So many things had taken place. First me and you and then losing Mad-Eye Moody, Remus, Tonks, Lavender, Colin... Fred..."


.


You know something like that!

And the part with Ron relating to Harry:


Ron had forgotten how many people Harry lost in his life. Despite the bad that comes with it, Ron could finally relate to Harry. It also made him feel bad when he hit home when he yelled at Harry that he didn't have any parents. They were dead. In retrospect, Ron wondered if fates had tested him by taking away Fred because of him saying that to Harry.



Again something like that. Delve deeper. Readers cannot access your mind if you only share little of what you - and only you can see. That's why description is very important because you are helping the reader to look through your eyes.


All that I said was just constructive criticism. There's not anything I said that was meant to hurt you in any way.

You are a good writer, but you have a potential to be a better one. ^_^


I hope you update soon because this is a lovely story. And I'm not sure if I mentioned in the previous review, but this is my first time reading post Hogwarts stories through someone else's eyes not Harry - and I say it's enjoyable to read. :)



(Man this is the longest review in the history of reviewing for me.)


And please don't ever discourage. That's the last thing I ever want you to feel.

Always, Always keep writing! Because you are writing for you as much as you are writing for the readers. ;)



- From the review thread,


- Asphodel

Author's Response: Hey!!:) thank you sooo much for long and amazing review! You are awesome. And if its okay I am going to use your idea. I was not offended at all by anything you said.. just appreciative for the CC. This was by far the longest review I have ever received, congrats ;) lol. Well once again thanks verrry much and I hope that you can enjoy reading on when I can update this story again. (working on getting Coming Home done). Until later!!
-Linds :)


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Review #9, by Lady Asphodel Grieving Burrow

2nd November 2013:
This was really nice and sad.

I just got through watching the Deathly Hallows Part 2 - and reading this... "feels." :'(


I feel like this could have been better in terms of description. Your sentences are so basic which makes it a bit hard for the reader to really get the full atmosphere of your story.

You know what I mean?

Like okay - we know it was cold when you mentioned it in the beginning... but what else?

When you said that Ron didn't have a reason to wake anymore due to the lost of Fred... it was quite rushed because he ended up getting up anyway.


Hm... let me see if I could do it this way,


"Ron slowly woke up to pale light of the shining through his window. He had no energy to get out of bed. All his strength went to the battle of Hogwarts and the funerals that he, Harry and Hermione had attended for the past week. It shocked him of how many people were sacrificed in order for the good to win."


Something like that! Ya know! And it's not that your story is bad. It's just - it can be potentially better if you actually took the moment to linger on his emotions. We know Ron is not the emotional type, but I'm sure there's a way to go in depth of his thoughts and feelings without making him out of character. :)


Anyways, this chapter is nice all the same. ^_^

Keep up the great work and remember what I said! :D


- From the Review Thread

~ Asphodel

Author's Response: Hi Asphodel,
Thanks so much for the beautiful review and nice CC! I will defidently make some changes in that area! You are awesome for reading my story.. :D


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Review #10, by purplepotter77 Grieving Burrow

23rd October 2013:
Hello, here for the review tag!

Ron/Hermione is one of my favorite ships ever, so I was really excited to see that this story was about them! I haven't read many stories about the Golden Trio's life after Hogwarts, but your take on it seems great so far. I like how this story not only focuses on Ron/Hermione but also how everyone has to build their lives back up again and try to get on with things as normal and still have to deal with all the losses they've suffered.

You conveyed the emotions of grief after Fred's death very well, and the sad mood certainly came through. The only criticism that I have is that there were a few grammar mistakes here and there, and I think you could add in a little bit more description.

Overall, you did a lovely job with characterization, and I really enjoyed reading this. It definitely seems like it's going to be a promising story! :)

Author's Response: Hey thank you very much!!! :D

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Review #11, by MissesWeasley123 A Visit to Grimmauld Place

19th October 2013:
Lindsey! Hi! This one's going to be a quickie because I'm typing on my iPod and my thumbs are dying lol. Sorry for the typos in this in advance!!

For some CC:
I think you should try saying "don't" instead of "do not". It sounds really choppy, and it's kind of tough when I'm reading because it disturbs the flow.

I'd like to see more description :)

Again, Ron with the food. That stereotype doesn't work in this story. I think there are some parts in this chapter and the previous one where you forget that his brother's just passed. It wouldn't be entirely realistic if he were asking for pot roast all of a sudden. You seem to be rushing this story and their relationship, where as you should be taking your time and not forcing it. It won't seem real otherwise.
I think you should focus on characterization, dialogue, and flow and then this'll be great! :D

I think you capture Ron's pain well, and Hermione's done okay too. I think you need to go a bit deeper into their personality, otherwise they seem "told" to us, rather than "shown".

Your plots very unique and fun, especially since I don't read this pairing a whole lot.

This story has some massive potential, and I really can't wait for the next update. Good luck! If you need to ask me anything about this review, PM me, k?

Nadia (not logged in)

Author's Response: Aww Nadia thanks for another review. I talked jn the first chapter that Rons food had an opposite effect than it did on everyone else, he is eating more while grieving but maybe it doesnt work. Ill change it. I am jot rushing the relationship I am only making it seem as though they have feelings for each other but they wont tell each other anytime soon dknt worry. I have some good plans for this story and I am glad u like it so far. :D

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Review #12, by maraudertimes Grieving Burrow

19th October 2013:
Hello!
I'm here with your requested review!

Okay, so first, this is a very interesting start. The plot seems very good, if a little bit *extremely sad* (please let me take a moment to shed a tear for poor Fred).

The tone is very consistent throughout the whole chapter, so Kudos for that!

Your dialogue is very clear and precise, so another cookie to you!

A few CCs:

When you are doing third person POV's be sure to know who you are looking at. When you're talking about how Ron is taking it, pretend you are following Ron and you can only hear his thoughts. So, because Molly is his mum, you should probably call her 'his mum' a lot because that's who she is to him.

There are quite a few grammar/spelling/verb tense mistakes, so I would suggest getting a Beta which will help *tremendously.*

Your use of cinnamon buns is good, but the word got too repetitive. Maybe substitute it for another?

Also, where are the other Weasley boys? Maybe you should clarify where they all are so the readers know that. It would be good to show how the entire family is taking it seeing as you're showing Mrs and Mr Weasley, George, Ginny, and Ron.

Other than that, good job!

I really likes your characterization and they were very well done. The way some of the characters talked did seem a little stiff at some points, but I think you've grasped how each one would react in the face of something so devastating.

So, good job. This is a really great start. Just polish it up a bit and it could be amazing!

Lo :)

Author's Response: Thanks Lo!
This was an awesome review! I will brush it up a bit and hopefully then it will be really good :D


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Review #13, by Cannons A Visit to Grimmauld Place

18th October 2013:
Hi, as I said in your requested review this is my favourite ship, so I came back to read some more!

I think this is a very nice chapter and you have some hidden gems in here! :)

The bits that particularly stood out are -

When Ron was looking through the window of the muggle house, that was a touching moment. You really do get Ron's grief across without really stating it, so well done.

The Ron/Hermione chat where she wants to talk to him about this kiss but just can't find the words, that bit is so relatable and your building it up nicely and not rushing in to it, which will make the end result much better.

I really like this bit - 'He had forgotten how many people Harry had lost in his life until he mentioned Sirius and it kind of comforted him that he could relate to his best friend more now even though it's in a bad way. '

Some CC - I think sometimes that I feel the dialogue is a bit forced, especially between Kreacher and Harry. I don't think it would be quite so formal towards him and I'm pretty sure Hermione would have something to say towards him ;)

Also sometimes to help the flow of the story if it is clear who is speaking you don't need to say 'said Hermione' or whatever, just mix it up sometimes. :)

I'm enjoying the start so far and will read your next chapter :)

Cannons

Author's Response: Thanks so much for the amazing second review and your CC:D I will make a few changes but I am glad you like it!!!:D

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Review #14, by Cannons Grieving Burrow

17th October 2013:
Hi! Here with your requested review :)

YAY my favourite ship :D

I actually came across this the other day so I have already read it so I'll try to think of my reactions to it.

Mainly the thing I remember the most revolves around the cinnamon rolls, I know Ron is mad about food but I dunno..

Anyway it doesn't matter because it's awesome. I love how you've taken a different route down the same road. (that makes sense right) A lot of people focus so much on the relationship, but you've not started out like that which is great to see, and when you do zoom in on their relationship it will be better for it.

This sentence sounded a little weird in my head ..

'Ginny joined them five minutes later and didnít say much of even a word to any of them '

but it might just be me and I think that there are places where there should have been commas and stuff, but I'll embarrass myself if I try and point one out ;)

You do get that feeling of grief though from everyone, they're all a little subdued and I think it's a great start.

Cannons

Author's Response: Hey thanks so much for the awesome review:) I am glad you like it so far and I hope it continues to impress you :D I will try my best to make it one of my best stories;D

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Review #15, by MissesWeasley123 Grieving Burrow

15th October 2013:
Hiya Lindsey!

Yay! This is posted! Woot! Okay, I think I'm just going to start off with some CC, and then get to the good stuff :)

1. I don't think you need a lot of your "..." I get why you're using them, but, for example, it seems a bit weird here:

lumbering form of Harry Potter slept bundled in the bedís comforter...his messy black hair

I don't think it should be there, because ellipses usually are used like how you used them before, in this sentence: There were no more identical twins... no more Fred and George... now there. You know, to show impact and stuff.

The Golden Trio then walked outside and disapparated, wondering and kind of fearing what they would find at Sirius' old home that was taken over by Yaxley when Hermione had to leave him there during their escape from the Ministry. -- try not to use "and" more than once in a sentence, replace with a comma.

Some of your sentences are kind of choppy, and could use some work, like this:

Ginny had very strong feelings for Harry still but he had not really had a chance to talk to her yet about what their future held together either.

And some parts, I found weird because, this is right after the war and Ron shouldn't really be thinking about how "amazing" his mum's cinnamon rolls are. I would also think he wouldn't be hungry - no one would be. So, if you tried to make it as realistic as you could, I think this chapter could be great.

And now, let me roll the fangirling and squeeing!

I really think you've gotten better as a writer. I think you do Ron's character quite well, and it's believable most of the time. I think you show Molly very well, because I imagine her to be acting the way she is, especially since Fred has just passed.

I really like this, your chapter image is really awesome too!

I'm actually quite enjoying this, I think you're off to a wonderful job. Great work!

Author's Response: Awww thanks Nadia!!!:D

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Review #16, by 800 words of heaven Grieving Burrow

15th October 2013:
Hello! Review tag!

I like this first chapter. I don't read much Ron/Hermione, so it's a new ship for me, too!

I like how this isn't just about the love story between the two characters. It is more about a family trying to build itself back up, and dealing with the repercussions of wars. I am looking forward to reading about how you will deal with these things.

I like how the prose is very frank and direct, although I would have liked a little more description, however I can see how that might not fit into this particular writing style. It might become less of an issue as the story goes on. Sometimes, I find that one chapter is not enough to judge a writing style for a particular story.

Good luck with chapter two!

Author's Response: Hey there thanks alot! :D thanks for reading!

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Review #17, by jkelly Grieving Burrow

14th October 2013:
Hey I like it! Interested in seeing where you take Ron in this story and how Hermione helps him!!

Author's Response: Thanks very much!:)

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Review #18, by Trey Grieving Burrow

14th October 2013:
This seems like it'll be an interesting story :) I enjoy how you placed it from Ron's point of view, it's different! Keep up the good work!

Author's Response: Thank you very much!! Please keep reading and im glad you like like it so far!

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