Reading Reviews for Make or Break
22 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Hats For House Elves Make or Break?

21st May 2014:
Okay, tricky one to review, I'll do my best.

At the beginning Leah is a shy, retiring socially awkward teen, suddenly considering the possibility of being attractive. That comes across well but at the end she is a ball busting, come and have a go hex anyone she feels like kind of girl. I'm not sure the transition works. Yes finding out it was only a dare clearly breaks her. I fully expect her to be a ball buster in her head, but as you say, talking in her head is so much better because she doesn't stutter there.

Hannah Abbot surprised me but okay we'll go with it. So Hannah is someone who is an arch rival who probably sends the snotty sarcastic cutting remark Leah's way on a daily or weekly basis. Right. So why would she get awkward about telling Leah it was all a dare? Surely one quick comment as she passes on her way to Hogsmeade with her friends - flies like an arrow and hurts like one too - would be more the style of a 15 year old girl.

Tenses. Which tense are you in? present or past I can't quite work it out.

I. You love the word I. You write this from inside Leah's head. A very good place to be if you're writing a one-shot. You put direct thoughts in italics then follow it up with I think. One or the other please - personally prefer italics because sometimes less is more. Have you ever actually thought I something? I haven't. So if we take a section, I pick where it's all kicking off;

Quote: '"REDUCTO!" This time, I point my faithful wand at a statue of a gargoyle, and stone flies everywhere. I feel some striking me, cutting in to my cheek. I salute the pain, like an old friend.'

Take out the I and switch the sentence round till it says the same thing.

'"REDUCTO!" This time, my faithful wand points at a statue of a gargoyle, and stone flies everywhere. Some strikes me cutting into my cheek. I salute the pain, like an old friend.'

Then if I were sat with you running through this section I would say, Leah's wand kind of has a mind of it's own as she is being irrational. The wand is acting as it sees fit it's finding targets anywhere. So it's the wand that is doing, not Leah. We know a gargoyle is a statue, so take that out. You have a gargoyle, its stone. Okay so a stone gargoyle. Now if you break stone with some force it doesn't just fly. It shatters. Then you have stone shattering which is a nice little alliteration thrown in. To get a cut across your cheek needs the stone to do just that, go across your cheek not into.


"REDUCTO!" This time, my faithful wand finds a stone gargoyle, it shatters sending granite across my cheek, I welcome the pain like an old friend.

Okay keep going there's more to get out here.

Just A gargoyle? Where is it, what is it doing? Now everything is against Leah and Gargoyles have faces so give it a leer or make it look down on her. Make it deserve the blowing up it gets. I'll go with a judging leer.

"REDUCTO!" This time, my faithful wand finds the stone gargoyle leering down in judgement just like all the others. It shatters sending granite across my cheek, I welcome the pain like an old friend.

Finally bring it back to the thoughts in italics idea which really works. Now for some reason I can't put italics in a review. There is some clever code out there for it but hey I put it in {} instead.

"REDUCTO!" This time, my faithful wand finds the stone gargoyle leering down in judgement just like all the others, it shatters sending granite across my cheek, I welcome the pain. {Hello old friend}.

Basically I've completely changed your writing style. Not sure if it helps but I hope so.

I like the idea, I like the subject, you've taken on depression and bullying and the effect of a socially restricting condition and the basics are all there but the I's are taking over.

Keep writing. I'll read some other stuff you write now and if you never want another review I don't blame you. This became a bit of a mammoth. I got a bit carried away.


Author's Response: Hi,

Thanks for the long and detailed review, it has some helpful information in which I will no doubt use to my advantage at some point.

Thanks again

 Report Review

Review #2, by MyMyMiss Make or Break?

15th March 2014:
awww! I can't believe I missed the word Seamus in your title - he is my number one to read and write about I love him so much, his my favorite, and for him to do something like this has just completely shattered me.

Seamus wouldn't do that to someone! not his a mean nasty young boy! what a horrible person standing someone up like that after Leah spent 4 hours preparing herself for him!

A stutter shouldn't matter! but on another note, I really enjoyed reading this, you took the characterization of a oc and turned into something we don't normally see. There was plenty of emotions each doing the other justice, and the ending - how evil she was, how she went from being shattered, something she had experience a lot in her time, to evil was incredible!

great story!!


-blackout review 11/20

Author's Response: Hi thanks for the review!

I like reading about Seamus too, although there are not nearly enough stories about him.

I'm sorry that I made him do that :P it shouldn't should it, sadly people pick on the tiniest of things :(

Thanks again!

 Report Review

Review #3, by LaLaLuna Make or Break?

23rd February 2014:
Aww, poor Leah. Even though I doubt I would be friends with her, I feel so bad for her. It's the mark of a good writer that you can make a non-sympathetic character sympathetic to the reader. :) But seriously, I felt so bad for her when Seamus didn't show up. It was like I had gotten dumped myself, actually. But I have to agree with Seamus, however mean he was. That Leah... she's a piece of work, isn't she?
However, I really can't see Hannah being that cruel to Leah. I mean - sneering at someone? I think that even if Leah had been cruel to her, Hannah would still be nice to her. It's just in her nature.
I really adored your ending. The emotion was so powerful and it was really well written. Even if Leah was a bit... off in the mental facilities, you wrote her really well and I enjoyed her story immensely!

Author's Response: Thanks for your review and sorry that it took me so long to reply.

Leah, lol, I like her. I guess it's because I know more about her, it may seem a little weird but I had actually planned out loads of information about her and what your seeing is just the final straw where she snaps.

Possibly you are right about Hannah but everyone has someone they can't stand.

Thanks, it means a lot.

 Report Review

Review #4, by Secret Santa Make or Break?

5th January 2014:
Hi, Secret Santa here!

I feel so bad for Leah here! I love her thoughts-crazy as they may be- while she's waiting. I like how you made her have a stutter- it's different than typical problems people have.

Seamus is such a jerk! I can't believe he did that. That has to be such a horrible thing to go through. I'm glad Hannah came and told her, even though they had issues in the past.

I feel so bad for Leah. I hope she's okay! Great story, definitely makes me want to read more. I wish it was longer! Good job :)

Author's Response: Hey,

I'm glad you don't hate Leah!

I know, I know...I actually like Seamus as well so I'm disappointed that he did that ;)

Thanks for the review :)

 Report Review

Review #5, by Lady of Tears Make or Break?

2nd January 2014:
I'm here from the forums with your review...finally! Sorry it took so long!

I have to say, this was really interesting! I thought you committed to your OC well and fleshed her out. She had a lot of motive, and I enjoyed being inside her head. It was fascinating to hear her thoughts.

The only thing I really questioned was the Hufflepuff house, to be honest. I just found it a little hard that she didn't have one friend at all. I could see someone who tried, but Leah just couldn't open up, and that would make sense. But to have the whole Hufflepuff house hate her and ostracize her.

The feeling I got from Leah is that she's got a lot of emotional and mental stresses that need to be dealt with. But I think you wrote that well, and it did make me want to know more. What happens to her? How does this affect everyone who was mean to her? It brings up lots of questions. So I would say continue with this! It's definitely interesting enough. It kept me on the edge of my seat for sure.

Thanks for requesting! I'm glad I got to read this.

Author's Response: Hey, thanks for the review and I'm so sorry it has taken me this long to respond!

I'm glad you enjoyed being inside her head, it can be a pretty scary place at some points :P

I wouldn't say the whole hates her, it's just that its from her point of view and that's what she feels like.

Thanks so much for the awesome review I really appreciate it.


 Report Review

Review #6, by 800 words of heaven Make or Break?

3rd December 2013:

So that ended differently to the way I expected! I really didn't want Seamus to stand her up, but he does, and then I wanted to hit him.

The way this story was written reminded me of Waiting for Godot. It's basically about these two people who wait for this bloke called Godot for ages. That's the entire play. And this story felt like that - it's just Leah waiting, ultimately in vain, for Seamus. I really liked that aspect of this story.

I also loved how almost everything takes place inside Leah's head. It's more of a character study and introspection, with that super intense ending thrown in, which was interesting to read. She's very self-aware which I think is quite rare, and probably the thing I liked best about her.

I also loved that whilst her story is in the end sad, throughout the story, I couldn't actually tell which way Leah would go - would she make it, or break, to quote the title. I found the way that she walked the tightrope between the two to be very fascinating!

This was a very nice read, and had me doing a lot of deep thinking and introspection myself!

Author's Response: HI!

Did it? That's good then :D awhh don't hit Seamus. Seamus is secretly one of my favourite characters :L

Oh, I can just imagine a play like that, I'm going to go look it up. That's defiantly what how I wanted it to come across. In my draft beforehand I was counting down way more then I actually count down in the real thing so I hope it came across subtly.

I think she's so self-aware she holds herself back sometime, to much thinking = acting strange :P at least for Leah.

That's good that you don't know which way it'll go! I wont tell you because I plan to write more on Leah at some point!

I'm so pleased I made someone think!

Thanks for the review


 Report Review

Review #7, by LightLeviosa5443 Make or Break?

30th November 2013:

So, I of course found my way here because of your request in my reviews thread! Thanks for being the first, by the way!

First of all: I really liked how you started off the story. You emphasize that she's different, but you also emphasize how much the date means to her. I think that's so important, especially for understanding why she's distraught later on in the story. I also love how you've made her a quirky Hufflepuff, brilliant. And tripping on the stool before getting sorted? Brilliant.

I actually laughed out loud at the part where she's describing her room, and again when she thinks to herself how she wished Hannah had broken her neck. Probably not the nicest thing to laugh at, but it was funny. Poor Hannah, though, having to be the one who had to deliver that blow to her. I would so not have wanted to be that person. I mean, aside from it being a crummy thing to do, she's a bit scary.

Now, you asked me for my opinion on the end, here it goes:

I so did not see that ending coming. I mean, when we went back and saw him asking her out, I was suspicious that his friends would be high fiving him. Because, I mean, if she's really an outcast, his friends wouldn't be encouraging him to date her. So I was worried that he wouldn't show up, but I didn't see what happened after that coming. The way you write this story you really allow for your reader to feel the fear that Hannah and Neville felt while still feeling the anger and sadness that is going through Leah.

As for the rest of the ending, the way you have her cutting her arm with magic ties in a really controversial topic that I think everyone has heard of. Which gives your story a relatability that is sometimes hard to achieve when we're reading and writing fan fiction about witches and wizards and werewolves and just amazingly fantastic things.

I've never seen a story end with someone destroying the courtyard of Hogwarts, and injuring other people as well as herself. It's unique, and it's perfect, in my opinion. She's so desperate and desolate at the ending, that I think you walk away from the story feeling her pain, you want to make it better, but you don't want to get too close. At least, that's how I feel.

I really enjoyed this story. It certainly was different from what I usually read, and I enjoyed reviewing it for you! You have a great writing style, and I didn't see any spelling mistakes, so brilliant job!

xoxo LL

Author's Response: Hey, thanks for dropping in and leaving a review, I appreciate it :) I feel so honoured to be the first!

I like that you picked up on her being different straight away, as you can probably tell she's aware that she's a bit of an outcast and doesn't like it. So she's hoping it might change with her date. I wanted her to be in Hufflepuff :P

You may be the first person to laugh out loud at something I've written. :D

I'm so pleased that you didn't see it coming and you haven't said that you thought that it was unbelievable! I'm also happy that you are able to feel both the emotions from Leah and Neville/Hannah.

I'm so happy with all your kind words and I will defiantly be requesting another review from you in the future, if I can!

Thanks again!

Cannons! ;)

 Report Review

Review #8, by MissesWeasley123 Make or Break?

28th November 2013:
Cannons! Ah! I really needed to tag you, because I had to review this. I've been far too neglectful for my own good :(

First of all, I noticed on your About Me... YOU'RE A MALE? WOW. That is wicked. I was one of the few people under the impression that perhaps you were a female, only because I beta read this for you and you got into Leah's mind so well.

Leah - what can I say. I can't call her lovely, or beautiful, so perhaps I'll call her strange and different. She's weird. There's just no other word for it! If we take out the fact that she stutters and all, we're left with this girl who's definitely sadistic and twisted in a some-what cruel way. You did a really good job with her characterization.

I think another wonderful thing about this piece was Neville. While he wasn't perfect and we saw him more as a bystander, you showed his personality nicely. That awkward quality was shown well.

Your descriptions were really good! I thoroughly enjoyed them, especially that last brutal scene. And Hannah Abbott's brutal, isn't she?

I had a peek at your reviews for this, and I noticed a lot of people saying why there was this change in Seamus, or the sudden attack on herself. I agree partially, but I actually thought that this was fine. Sure - it escalated quickly, and was a bit unrealistic, but I still found it entertaining to read. Personally, I love action packed scenes. For me, in that moment, the plot didn't really matter. All I knew was that she was in pain and that this was the way she was letting go.

Great work!

Author's Response: I've been neglected :( *sniffles*

ahaa I am indeed, I am indeed and let me tell you being male IS wicked :P

Leah, Leah, Leah. Yeah so I read this back after reading your comment and she seems does seem twisted, even more so then before. But I like her like that, it's more fun to write about a dangerous character because they are so unpredictable.

I like Neville as well, Neville and Luna are my favourite characters so I had to incorporate him in to this somehow just for my own fun!

Yeah Hannah and Leah don't get on to well together...

I'm pleased you enjoyed it and thanks again for beta-er-ing it for me :D

 Report Review

Review #9, by SkyEcho Make or Break?

18th November 2013:
Hi Cannons! I'm here with your requested review. Your ending took me completely by surprise - I was NOT expecting that! In the beginning, I really felt for Leah. I thought portraying her with a stutter was unique and I really was rooting for her to have a nice first date with Seamus! And then we find out that it was all a dare...

I liked how you described the nervous energy while Leah was waiting for him to show up. The countdown as she kept checking her watch really added to the anticipation and felt realistic. I also thought you really captured what it's like to have a crush at 15 when you described Leah going speechless when she sees Seamus and not hearing the words he spoke to her.

While I do believe Leah would get made fun of for her stutter, there are some things you could add to make a stronger story. While very young children might state that she "talks funny" or ask why she speaks that way, older students would be more likely to mimic a stutter in front of her, tell her to "spit it out" or get impatient and speak over her. With that being said, being teased about this is believable as is her reluctance to speak in front of others. In one sentence you don't include her stutter. "Don't play with me Hannah - you now I would hex you in a heartbeat." In my experience, not everyone who stutters, does it in every sentence, but stutters do become more prominent when the person is self-conscious, upset or angry. For me, this did stand out as a place where she would stutter, but if not, then offering an explanation would help readers understand why.

You've done a good job of showing us that Leah has a temper. But I think it would have been more believable if Leah had a mini breakdown upon hearing about Seamus rather than a complete meltdown. Obviously she has been through a lot, but it just felt like a bit more was needed before that leap comes across as 100% realistic. Maybe if there was a crowd of people (Seamus included) showing up and laughing at her? Or if we had more flashbacks of her willingness to trust others only to be betrayed or let down?

The Leah you've portrayed in the beginning, being too self-conscious to speak in front of others, seems different from the one who yells out in the Great Hall "anyone else want a piece of me?" or who loses it at the end. Are we witnessing her choice to embrace the dark side here? There are lots of places you can go with this if you choose to continue Leah's story. And I hope you do because I'd be very interested to see the route you decide to take with her.

Overall I really enjoyed reading your story and I found it to be quite original!

Author's Response: Hi SkyEcho thanks for taking the time to review this, it is obvious you have put a lot of thought in to this review.

I take all your points on board as they are extremely helpful the one thing I will say though is that the whole point of this was to have Leah have a massive breakdown. A mini-one would have been a bit boring, as I say the Seamus thing is just the last straw.

I hope you can see that even if you don't agree with it 100% ;)

Also I think some people when the loose it can go from the most shy kid to the loudest and threating kid simply because they are out of control and don't care, well that's what usually happens when people bottle up emotions.

Thanks so much for your review though it was very helpful :)

 Report Review

Review #10, by UnluckyStar57 Make or Break?

15th November 2013:
Hi! Thanks for requesting a review from me! :)

This story is quite something, indeed! I haven't read much Seamus/OC, whether he was being a jerk or otherwise. I thought that it was really different and awesome of you to have Leah think about him, but for him to never make an appearance in the span of time over which the story pans out.

Wow... Hannah Abbott is certainly rather rude! I always saw her as a reasonably nice person, but of course, we all have our darker sides. Is there a story behind that? Did she try to reach out to Leah at one time, only to be pushed away by Leah's insults, or pressured into making fun of Leah like her peers? I find it very interesting that, even though Hannah was rude and snippy to Leah at first, after she gave Leah the bad news about Seamus, she seemed sympathetic. Why was she so brusque initially, if delivering the news of the prank was her main mission?

As for what I think about Leah... Well, she's definitely a hard person to like. I see where she's coming from--I've always been that kid whom everyone laughed at for being a klutz and a socially awkward weirdo, but unlike me, Leah seems to have let those taunts make her who she is at the time that this story takes place. She has internalized every insult, and that isn't healthy at all. I completely understand that for some people, it is much more difficult to withstand the weight of the world that rests upon their shoulders, and Leah is one of those people. She absolutely broke when Hannah delivered Seamus' rude deed, and everything just kind of exploded. It's a very tough subject to deal with, and I think that you did a good job of not glorifying her actions. Her acerbic humor is amusing and very fitting for her character, so well done!!! She is a tough character to like, but there is no denying that you've done a marvelous job with characterization. :)

About the one line that she said to Hannah, when she didn't stutter: "Don't play with me Hannah - you know I would hex you in a heartbeat. You know what I did to those first years that were making fun of me..."--I think that it's really okay that she doesn't stutter here. The suggestion that I have to make is, if you should choose to allow her not to stutter, you should qualify it with an explanation. After all, the stutter is a big part of her character, and she isn't quite herself without it. One way to qualify it is to say something like, "Sometimes, when I get extremely angry, my stutter goes away for a sentence or two. But then it comes back, just like a bad Knut." (Kind of a play on "bad pennies always turn up.") But that's just a suggestion. It's okay without one!

This was a really great one-shot. I can't believe that it's a one-shot, and not a novel, because I was expecting a novel in which Seamus dates an OC... I was pleasantly surprised to find that my suspicions were entirely wrong. Excellent work!!! :D


Author's Response: Hi, thanks for reviewing!

I had never read anything focusing on him before and he's one of my favourite characters, particularly from the films where he has two amazing lines towards the end of Deathly Hallows Part 2. So I wanted to write something that included him although as you say, he didn't actual feature...although he was meant to ;)

ahaha questions, questions, they will be answered as I am currently working on this to make it in to a novella/novel but I will say that they don't always see eye to eye but Hannah never set out to be pure nasty just to wind Leah up, but obviously Leah took it rather badly so Hannah feels a bit responsible.

She has internalised her problems hasn't she? I feel a bit bad for her now :( aha the biggest problem I think I had was trying to make people believe that this was the build up of something for a long time even though it was a one shot and you don't know any of her story before.

That line was something I put deliberately there because I seriously felt that she wouldn't stutter and to my knowledge people who stutter don't necessarily stutter in every sentence, but I will look in to it before I post anything else and that's a great suggestion.

I'm happy that it was something you didn't expect, thanks for the review it was great!

 Report Review

Review #11, by Courtney Dark Make or Break?

12th November 2013:
Oh, this was such a wonderful one-shot! I really, really enjoyed it and was so glad that I got the chance to read it! I absolutely love reading about the more minor characters, such as Hannah and Seamus, and even though we didn't see Seamus in this one-shot, his presence was definitely felt!

Leah is an extremely interesting OC, I think you did really well with her! What I liked best about her is this incredible depth she has to her - she seemed so believable, so realistic - I could almost see her, leaning against the wall, anxiously waiting for her date with Seamus.

I also loved that she wasn't your typical clitche, sterotypical 'shy girl'. You know, the one who hardly ever talks, but is super, super nice, and then turns out to be a really funny person. I loved this darkness Leah had to her, that I don't think she even realized she had. I don't think it was her stutter that kept people away from her, people like Hannah who actually seems pretty normal. I think what keeps people away from her is this darkness that has been brewing just under her surface.

A bit that really stood out to me was when Hannah began questioning Leah's motives for hexing those first years, and how Leah then began reconsidering her actions, wondering if she'd done something a little over the top. Up until this point I'd definitely sympathized with Leah, one hundred percent, but now I began to see her from a different perspective.

I just have to say that I loved Leah's description of Hannah, it really made me laugh. I particularly liked this bit: 'Then in third year, she went around telling anyone that would listen to her, that Sirius Black could turn himself in to a flowering shrub. I told her that if anyone was in any doubt as to why she had been placed in Hufflepuff, they werenít now.'

I felt so bad for Leah when it turned out Seamus had just asked her out for a dare - I mean, I'd definitely suspected it, when he and his friends started high-fiving etc after he'd asked her out, but that was still a lame guy move and had disastrous consequences.

My only criticism is that I wish there was more to this! I want to see Seamus and more of Leah and Hannah! This was such a great one-shot, I really enjoyed it!


Author's Response: Hey, thanks for this fantastical review! I'm sorry it has taken me a while to respond but honestly I didn't, don't, know how to respond because of all the amazing compliments in there!

I'm so pleased that you thought Leah had 'incredible depth' and that she was 'believable and realistic' because that was what I was most worried about!

Hahaha tbh I don't know if Leah will turn in in this really nice,funny person cause she has some issues to sort out first ;)

To be honest I really want to write more about Leah so there will be some more to read hopefully!

thanks again for this awesome review, your the best!

 Report Review

Review #12, by MrsKatieGrint Make or Break?

6th November 2013:
Hey there!

Okay, geez way to break my heart, and stomp on it a couple times!

I can definitely see what you mean by the mixed reviews here, and I can kinda relate to what they're saying, but I definitely think this story deserves praise. So lemme get the little things out of the way, and move on to the happier things!

First, you have a couple comma splices, and some verb tense issues like you mentioned. But in the reviews before seemed to have covered all that i was going to say. The only thing I'd like to emphasize on, because it really stood out was this, "Don't play with me Hannah you know I would hex you in a heartbeat. You know what I did to those first years that were making fun of me," I warn, twisting my wrist and giving her a glance at the back of my right hand."
You talk so much about her stuttering, to the point that it is a focus of your story, and there is none in this very important sentence.
Other than that, the difficult stuff is officially aside.

Okay, truthfully here, this was legitimately a heart wrenching story for me. I didn't want to let the pessimist side of me win by thinking Seamus was setting her up, so I was sorely disappointed when he did.:(
I HATE the fact that he did that to her!
She was so excited and everything, I wish that she could've gotten her happy ending.

Now, reading the previous comments, I can definitely see both sides like I said, but I'm going to say this was more realistic. I very well know how cruel kids can be, therefore I believe that kids being mean to her because she stuttered was very possible. Kids are so cruel to anyone being different, so I don't see why that part of the story is unrealistic to others?
Anywho, with bullying, since technically, I would partly consider that the case here, I don't see Leah's reaction to be way dramatic. I think you very clearly lead up to how important this date was for her, and you specifically touched on her self-worth/esteem issues early on, and showed how she felt.
Now, I do think you sort of rushed things a bit there at the end, but alls well there, as that was a HUGE scene with an appropriate build up to it.

All in all, I believe this was fantastically, and realistically portrayed, and I think you did a fabulous job, with a beautiful character.(:


Author's Response: Hi, yeah I'm sorry about that...sadly I don't know anyway to mend a broken heart. *sniffles*

Anyway moving on... thanks so much for this review, it was very helpful. Verb tense stuff just makes me want to smash my head up against a wall (repeatedly) since I usually don't even spot them, which is worrying. :(

Yeah, maybe that line is a bit overkill, I just thought that people who stutter might not stutter on every single sentence especially if they feel extra confident, angry about what they are saying. But I think I'll have to go edit that.

I'm going to be honest and say that it totally wasn't meant to end like this. I never understood before when writer's said 'my character just did this' and I would always be thinking, but your in charge of your character and story so you can choose the direction they go in. But yeah, this just took an unexpected turn! (it was more fun to write this way I think (;)

I'm really pleased you feel this is more on the realistic side and especially happy that you felt the end was believable.

Thanks for the review :D

 Report Review

Review #13, by randomwriter Make or Break?

28th October 2013:
Hello :) It's a shame that it has taken me so long to get here after all the wonderful reviews you've been leaving me. So, here I am!

First of all, wow. Good on you for writing about such a sensitive topic. It's also very difficult to tackle. Self harm arising out of lack of self confidence is quite hard to write about and I think that you've done a pretty good job out of it :)

Initially, I was wondering why a dare left her so broken. I was surprised to see her affected to THAT extent. But then I read about her stutter and the self-esteem issues, which made sense, you know. I felt like it was probably a built-up reaction, as if this was the last straw. She was tired of being rejected.

I have a friend who used to stutter. Sometimes, he still does. And he's told me a lot about it. His experience, regarding confidence issues (not self-harm) are quite similar. So I think that's realistic. The dare just threw her over the edge.

I just wanted to remind you that Hufflepuffs are not necessarily bad. After all, Tonks was a Hufflepuff ;) It was said that Helga took in loyal people, but since she was so kind, she also took in the students that the other founders didn't want. I know that you didn't mean anything by it, but I just felt like I should clarify! :P

I also spotted a couple of errors. For example, there should be a comma in the first sentence after 'am'. Similarly, you'd missed some commas in a couple of other places. One read through should fix it :)

Also, this bit here- 'I was glad Seamus didnít see me with my wand out about to hex the first years either, otherwise he would of probably ran away.
And hid.'- is a little off, tense wise. And 'of' should be 'have' :P So maybe something like- 'I'm (since the rest of it is in present tense) glad that Seamus didn't see me with my want out, just as I was about to hex those first years either, otherwise he would have probably run away. And hidden.'

Also, Neville's entry seemed a little random. Maybe you could mention him being around before she blows up, rather than adding him in the piece suddenly.

About the scene where she actually lost it- WOW. I don't think I'd have been able to write that. It was crazy, and it actually shocked me. I wasn't expecting it, and I certainly wasn't expecting it to end like that. It's so angsty and sad. I think you could have improved it by adding some more detail and description, but it's great as it is as well. It just seemed a tad rushed.

One last nitpick-y thing I have. You say that she saluted pain like an old friend. I think there' something a little off about that. Greet, instead of salute would be better. If you want to use salute, you might want to change 'friend'. But it's up to you :)

Lastly, I hadn't seen the genre before reading it, and when the story took a turn, I was so shocked. I felt for Leah, I really did. As someone who's confident of herself in most situations, Leah's side of the story was definitely worth a read. I also admire you for putting in a bit of humour, like the part where Leah said that she's eat dragon balls if she ever saw Snape smiling again... OH MY GOD. I laughed too much at that :P
So, all in all, you've done a pretty good job here :) there is some room for improvement, but I'm so glad I read this.

Author's Response: hey! thanks for the review! sooo long :D

I'm so pleased that you thought this was a build up of frustration and anger and...feelings...because that was exactly what I going for.

I didn't really mean much by her being a Hufflepuff but the other houses weren't really suitable for her.

Thanks for you CC I'll edit those in.

I'm pleased that it shocked you and that you didn't expect it!

thanks for the amazing review, I'm seriously bad at responding sadly. ( I don't get enough practise ;))

 Report Review

Review #14, by AlexFan Make or Break?

27th October 2013:
Well then . . . that escalated quickly.

So I'll get to the stuff that doesn't take long for me to talk about.

An OC can definitely work for a one-shot, I've done it, lots of people have done it and it can come out great. Having an OC for this story makes it work, it doesn't really take anything away from the story at all.

Second of all, my immediate reaction was that this was going to be a regular story where I felt bad for the girl and stuff like that. I had not planned on it turning out the way that it did. I had some suspicion that Seamus was just going to stand her up and that it was a dare but I dismissed the idea as just me being pessimistic.

Third of all, the ending. My answer as to whether it was believable is both a yes and a no. Yes it was believable that Seamus stood her up from the background that you gave your reader and I can totally understand why she would be heartbroken over finding out that it was just a dare. I can even understand Leah's absolute rage when she finds this out.

At the same time though, it's not believable. From what I gathered from the story, Leah just has a really bad stutter that she was teased and made fun of about and the fact that she was a klutz. And besides, how much of an insult can you come up for someone who stutters.

The entire thing was a bit sudden, there was no mention or backstory of Leah doing something like this to herself in the past, by the looks of it, she can handle herself quite well so I feel like her sudden rage and self-harm just came out of nowhere. For me, it was just too much for her situation.

And I can understand how being told that you were asked out on a dare can make you feel worthless because, after all, someone had to be dared to go out with you but in general, I think Leah just really overreacted. Maybe this is just me but I feel like there should be more behind all of this.

And by the sounds of it, Leah needs to get taken to St. Mungo's to see if she's mentally stable because she doesn't seem like she is, forget the stutter.

Oh, and you slipped on your verb tense a few times throughout the story. You switched from past tense to present tense, I almost didn't notice because I wasn't focused on it while reading.

But anyway, I hope I was at least of some help in this review instead of sounding just downright rude.

Author's Response: Hey, thanks for the review and all your honesty. :)

I totally realise that when writing this it was completely over the top and that was fun, but I was also trying to give the impression that there is much more to this then meets the eye obviously. This is just where everything becomes to much. And from what your saying you didn't get that impression so I'll have another look at it.

There aren't that many insults for someone with a stutter but I guess it would get quite demoralising if everyone kept using it against you.

I appreciate your opinion and you didn't sound rude just honest. Maybe if this was longer then a one shot you might find it more believable.

thanks :)

 Report Review

Review #15, by toomanycurls Make or Break?

24th October 2013:
The entire time I was reading this I was thinking "please don't let her be stood up" then she was stood up (and had been asked out on a dare) and I might have been very angry with Seamus and his friends for doing that. You did a great job pulling me in and making me care about Leah. At first I was a bit unsure about having one-shot with an OC as a major character. You did it wonderfully though!!

I really like Leah's narrative voice. You used the thoughts with line breaks really well to get her voice out there. I find that in a story with one main perspective, the italicized introspection helps convey thoughts and motives more elegantly than a longer blurb.

Leah's emotion/magical rage is interesting. She reminds me of a combination of evil Willow and Tara from Buffy the Vampire slayer. Her stuttering reminds me of Tara and her magical rage reminds me of evil Willow. :D

The countdown that Leah does really built up my anxiety and nervousness for Seamus to really show up. It was a simple but effective way to show how much of a big deal the date was for Leah.

I'm not too sure about Hannah's characterization in this part. We don't know a ton about Hannah in the books but it's never indicated that she's mean or cruel. I think you could keep Hannah as is if you mention something about her being a completely different person to Leah. You do write a very convincing jerk-Hannah but I just need a little extra nudge to buy into it 100%.

Leah's blow up is really well done and really sad. I felt for her while she was going to pieces. I am surprised that no one was able to stop her from destroying the area.

You did such a good job building Leah and tearing her down in one go with her. I'm really impressed. ^_^

Author's Response: Hiyaaa!

what a lovely review, I'm so happy right now! :) I'm so happy you thought I did well having an OC as a main character in a one shot. Also I has never thought about it as 'building her up and tearing her down' so that was quite funny!

Basically the point I was trying to make about Hannah is not everyone likes everyone! but they actually fell out over Hannah being worried for Leah before so that's why Leah is so hateful towards her atm

thanks for the review!

 Report Review

Review #16, by milominderbinder Make or Break?

23rd October 2013:
Oh my god, this is breaking my heart!

I loved Leah. I didn't personally see her as very hufflepuff-y, but I thought she was a great character. She was well rounded and you really got inside her head - her thoughts were fleshed out and believable.

I think you portrayed the sensitive topics of cutting etc well. It's always a hard thing to navigate while writing but I could see her mindset in relation to it because you described her thoughts so well, so it didn't seem like too much of a leap, and I could really identify with her because I've had those same issues in the past, so it was very believable and touching for me from that point of view! I've never had a stutter but I could see how that would cause her to be bullied - although I don't know whether it would have made people hate her just for that, so maybe it would be nice to have some more expansion on why people are so mean about her stutter. Even if it's just that there's more stigma about that kind of thing in the wizarding world, a bit more explanation could really add to it. But other than that I thought all of her problems were really believable and tragic.

I really think you should turn this into a longer story! My only reall CC is that I'd like to see more of her, understand more of her mindset, and also to understand more about Seamus' actions - he's one of my favourite characters in canon so I'd love to see how my understanding of him links up with how you portrayed him here - I'm sure there's more going on there, and I'd love to know what it is! So yeah, I'd love to see more of this :)

Good story!


Author's Response: hey :)

Thanks so much for the review! It means a lot! I'm so pleased that you thought the cutting was a believable step as I thought people might think it was a bit over the top so I'm glad you think that it was believable.

There is always more to a situation than meets the eye in my experience ;)

I sort of do know what would happen if I was to try and write another chapter... so I'm going to write it down and see how it goes.

Thanks for the review, I had fun reading it!

 Report Review

Review #17, by bellatrixlestrange123 Make or Break?

21st October 2013:
Hi there!

Ok. So I thought I would come and have a look at this one shot since I read your other two and liked them a lot. You'll he happy to know that I have nothing but praises for this one.

Your ability to write detailed thoughts is literally so good; you left nothing to the imagination, you included and answered any questions that the reader might have had and I felt true empathy for Leah because I think the reader already knew that Seamus wasn't going turn up, due to you foreshadowing that through your writing (another good thing) but I still found myself quite heartbroken for Leah.

You also dealt with sensitive issues such as cutting and bullying in a very fitting and formed great empathy for the character. Well done!

So far, I think this has been my favourite out of your three pieces of work, you should deffinitly thing about turning this into a full fledge story! It would do great!

As always, feel free to PM for anything, bella :)

Author's Response: Hi bella!

I'm so happy you liked this and to be honest I don't really know how to respond to praise!

The fact that you managed to feel empathy for Leah though is what I'm most happy about, oh and this line 'Your ability to write detailed thoughts is literally so good' ahaha *smiling like an idiot*

aha thanks for the motivation to write more about Leah, I'll try and think something up.

Thanks for the review, it was awesome! :D

 Report Review

Review #18, by maraudertimes Make or Break?

20th October 2013:
I'm here with your requested review!

I really liked the start of the chapter. It was nice and fluffy and happy. And then you destroyed it.

Seamus sucks! I can't believe him! And poor Leah!

The only CCs I have are:

I don't think Leah would go into a blind rage as soon as Hannah tells her, but maybe just breaks down. Then when Hannah says it's all right, then she completely loses it. But, it's your character, your story, so feel free to ignore this, I won't take offense. :)

The second thing was that when Leah was mad at Hannah, at one point she said:
"Don't play with me Hannah - you know I would hex you in a heartbeat. You know what I did to those first years that were making fun of me."
There's no stutter anywhere in that sentence. You can see how that's a problem for someone like Leah.

Third, I think Leah might be a little hasty with the cutting. Maybe she just, um, 'damages' her wrists? And she can do so in multiple places on her forearm to create the same effect.

One question though: was does everyone hate her because of her stutter? How did they know she had a stutter? Just something for you to think about!

Other than that, I really liked this. Although I wish Seamus wasn't a poo face, the story line was good. I really liked this! :)

Feel free to re-request when you write another story!

Lo :)

Author's Response: Hey Lo!

I'm glad you enjoyed some of it at least ;)

Thanks for the CC I think if you had seen the events that lead up to this moment then you would understand, I only wrote this bit because this was the most fun part.

Also about the stutter sentence, I don't think people with stutters stutter on every sentence and the more confident they are the less likely they are to stutter. I'll go check that though and change it if I am wrong!

Everyone doesn't hate her because of her stutter, you see Leah's side because it is from her point of view and she thinks everyone hates her because of it. People just make fun of her for it but as you can see what happens when it gets to much for her. I'm seriously thinking about writing something else about Leah so people can understand why she did what she did.

How did they know she had a stutter? - they heard it..

thanks for the awesome review!


 Report Review

Review #19, by DumbledoresArmyOfOne Make or Break?

20th October 2013:
Hello! I'm here from my review thread!

So, Leah. Um, wow, that was a dramatic ending. She seems very emotionally unstable, to say the least, and I don't really see any Hufflepuff traits in her.

I'd like to have a bit more information about Leah- why is she so unstable? Why is she in hufflepuff when much of what we see in her is cruel and caustic? I understand that she is hurt by people making fun of her stutter, but what causes her to react in such a terrible, violent way? Is she mentally ill, or just very sensitive?

Your writing was very engaging and I didn't find any errors in spelling or grammar, so well done there!

I'd actually like to see a sequel to this, or perhaps a prequel- there seem to be a lot of things left to explain and I'm left slightly confused at the end. I'm really surprised in Seamus- he seems like a nice bloke from what we know of him in canon, so I wonder what drove him to do something so cruel?

This was an interesting piece!

Author's Response: Hi Gilly, thanks a lot for taking the time to review this! :)

ahh Leah, I love her..haahaa I get it though, I totally get how she comes across like that and you may be right.

However if I were to write a sequel to this then all of your questions will be answered, which is why I'm skipping over yours now, but I'll answer the ones that don't give to much away.

Why is she so unstable? - I wouldn't say she is so unstable, but being the victim of so much taunting has lead her to always question herself, jump to the wrong conclusions straight away and be a bit more violent. She is constantly worried about what other people think about her and everyone has a breaking point.

She is in Hufflepuff because she has many of their traits it's just in this we see how she just breaks down. I wouldn't say she is cruel just desperate and helpless.

She's not mentally ill just all the taunting has an effect on her eventually and that's what you see!

Ok, I answered them all but I didn't give to much away!

Thanks for the lovely review, I really appreciate it

 Report Review

Review #20, by shez Make or Break?

15th October 2013:
Oh man! This is a really sad piece. I really hope we get a follow-up chapter (right? right? this isn't the end, right?)

I definitely think there is an element of vulnerability about Leah that makes her a VERY relatable character with just about anyone who's ever been bullied in school, or harassed. And the fact you give her an embarrassing stutter really heightens this feeling. Her pain, anguish, really comes across and and well, it REALLY tugged at my heartstrings (I'm a pretty heartless person btw). I want to give the girl a hug and pull her out of that hostile environment! The way you describe her thoughts really touch on her age and mindset so bravo!

GRRR, I really hate Seamus right now!

There were a couple grammatical and spacing issues but pretty minor. Not a big deal.

In the future, I really hope Leah develops some self-confidence and learns to embrace her stutter. She's very hard on herself right now (again, VERY relatable) and teaches Seamus and those mean girls a lesson! Thanks for requesting!

Keep writing, friend! Happy days!

Author's Response: Hi, thanks for the really great review, you're to kind! It was nice to wake up to this :)

Haha, well I do have something in my head that if I was to continue this I could, but I don't know if I should!

Anyway I'm pleased at the reception Leah's got so far, and that she seems to be relatable. I enjoyed writing her, not everyone can be perfect! not even in the wizarding world!

Thanks for the review!

 Report Review

Review #21, by kristyhes Make or Break?

15th October 2013:
Review from forum request.. :)

Wow.. That's the first thing that came to my mind when I finished reading your one-shot..

I really liked Leah's character. I find her so unique and kind of awkward in a way but I think that it makes her endearing. I also liked at the beginning when she was talking about how people treated her and it's really sad.

I found Hannah's behaviour towards her very odd because I'm not used to this side of her. I always pictured Hannah Abbott as a shy kind girl.

As for Seamus I kind of guessed why he asked her out from the bit where Leah said that his friends clapped his back and all that.. But I was really hoping that I was wrong..

At the end when she lost it, it was so sad and heartbreaking that you got me to cry, really! You wrote it so well that I kind of felt her pain at that point.

And I find your writing style is really good..

So, overall it was a really good one-shot.


Author's Response: Hi! OMG this is the nicest review :')

I'm so pleased that you liked Leah because I came to really like her after writing this, even though it was just for a one shot.

There are many sides to a person ;)

ooo I'm glad you got the hint, I was wondering if anyone would!

If I actually made you cry I am so happy and so sorry! I'm glad that it made you think and provoked tears, because I think that means I did good! :) (but I do feel bad)

This was seriously the nicest review and I'm glad you enjoyed it, hope to see you around!


 Report Review

Review #22, by Rumpelstiltskin Make or Break?

14th October 2013:
Review tagging from the forums!

I am SO glad that I read this! I can relate to your character here. Reading the very beginning where Leah is waiting brought back some fond memories about my first date and how hysterically tragic it turned out to be. Having this connection (having been an extremely awkward child) made the beginning undoubtedly humorous.

Speaking of funny, I love that you used the term "the K word." I sometimes forget what it was like to be a teenage girl and you've captured it perfectly. Sometimes in fan fictions the characters will be written to seem older than they are actually supposed to be. I fall into this trap too. You, however, have characterized a teenage girl who acts as such and I adore this!

It also strikes me that she has a stuttering problem. It's brilliantly refreshing to see a character with such a noticeable flaw! Thank you for that. Also, being the target of bullying falls into this same category. It's funny but I almost felt as though I should have intervened while I was reading Hannah taunt Leah and was relieved to see Leah stand up for herself.

And then the hammer falls. When the readers learned that he had only asked her out on a dare and he was not, in fact, coming my heart dropped. Even further did it sink as I watched her following self destructiveness! Oh it was heartbreaking!

The last two lines were just perfect and I loved them!

I do hope there wasn't too much SQUEE in my review, I have the tendency to become excited :).


Author's Response: wow..I'm speechless, I don't even know where to start! I've literally sat here for 30 minutes wondering how to respond, this is the nicest review I've had :D

To say I was a bit nervous about posting this one shot is an understatement, so I can't tell you how happy I am that you enjoyed it.

I am SO HAPPY that you liked Leah because she was so fun to write, especially as she isn't perfect!

I really don't know how to respond to this :D

Thanks so much for this review, it was a great way to start the day, can't tell you how happy I am!

:D :D :D :D

 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login