Reading Reviews for Royal
  
25 Reviews Found

Review #1, by teh tarik The Letter

29th December 2013:
Hiya! You requested a review from me...some two or three months ago. Eep, sorry. I'm terrible at this, and I really do apologise for the delay in getting down to your request. I'm not even sure if you still need this review.

I think this is a great start to your story. I've not come across another fic on HPFF where the main OC is an incumbent ruler of a fictitious nation, and I think this is rather unique, and definitely sets your story apart from others. What's even better is that Carolyn appears to be a Muggle (I think), while it's her younger sister, Marielle, who is the witch with the acceptance letter to Hogwarts. I really like how this chapter showed an almost ordinary day in Carolyn's life: dealing with a whole lot of dreary paperwork, the less glamorous side of running a country, or at least, being the ruler of one. You've certainly conveyed her teenage frame of thoughts very well, and Carolyn comes across as a normal, girl-next-door sort of person who seems trapped in a very large, important position, something which may be a bit beyond her. Despite all her duties, I liked the part where she decides to answer personal letters from Avalynian children; it says a lot about her, and it's a nice touch to her characterisation.

Avalyn sounds like a very interesting place. For a first chapter to what sounds like a very interesting and possibly quite ambitious story, it does come across as a little short, in terms of the word count. I think that, given the premise of your story, you can certainly expand your narrative a little, take time to set the scene, too give a better sense of the setting and have a little world-building. It would be nice to read about Avalyn in a little more detail: the history of the royal family, the country's political system, the size and landscape and traditional customs and so on.

I think Marielle receiving her Hogwarts acceptance letter was a good way to end the chapter; there's a note of suspense and it's a bit of a cliffhanger, which is great. However, I do wonder about both Marielle and Carolyn's reactions to the letter. It appears as though they're from a family of Muggles, and that Marielle is a Muggle-born; it seems strange that they would be so hugely affected by the Hogwarts letter; the only explanation I can see is that they believe the letter (along with the suggestion that magic exists), which is a very odd way for Muggles to react. I'd expect them to be far more sceptical, to the point of outright dismissing the idea of magic as utter rubbish. Unless...unless these Evanses are related to one Lily Evans, and somehow they know of her magical blood and her attendance at Hogwarts, which could explain why they seem to accept the letter with so little questioning. It's a very interesting question, and I'd like to see how this develops in your story.

One thing which I think you could consider is the limitation of Carolyn's internal monologue, which is interspersed throughout the more formal narrative. The transitions between the colloquial and the formal parts of the narrative are a little bit jarring sometimes, and the "yeah...etc..." bits do become a bit repetitive. It will improve the flow of your prose, and make your language and narrative a little more consistent.

Anyway, this is a really great start :) Your story has plenty of potential, and I'm interested to see how it turns out, and how George Weasley will fit into all of this. Great work, and thanks for requesting! :)

-teh

Author's Response: Hello!

That's okay! I'm pretty bad at responding to reviews, so it's no problem! :)

Yay! A good start for a unique story! I'm glad! And yes, I didn't want Carolyn to be a queen *and* a witch, so that's when Marielle was introduced! I'm glad you liked Carolyn's characterization, as that was a big concern for me!

I was pondering how to raise the word count in the first chapter, so I will definitely take that into account! I do have the history laid out, but I will definitely try and work that into the first chapter.

Hmm... I suppose I should have added in that Marielle had been acting strange. Thanks for pointing that out, because it was happening inside my head but I guess I forgot to write that. I can't tell you if they're related to a certain Lily Evans, but you might have something there!

Yes, those bits I will definitely cut out. I will definitely do that, and thanks for pointing those out!

Thank you so much, all of your points were really good and I'll be taking all of them into consideration when I edit this, so thank you for taking the time to point all of them out! This review was super helpful!
Lo:)


 Report Review

Review #2, by MC_HK The Letter

6th December 2013:
This review is like, two months over due and I'm so so sorry!

I'll try to make this as best a review as I can. I'm going to start with what you asked me to look at in the chapter.

Improvements: I would say that you tend to be repetitive with some words. I know it's so hard to come up with different words sometimes, but you can also spread them apart more to make them seem less repetitive. A few that stand out to me are "day", "letter", and "yeah." I also love that you put this in first person because it's a very intimate point of view. I do suggest that you stray away from this very repetitive inner monologue of "Yeah, I have this" or "Yeah, I have that" type of thing. While it may be okay once, I think that it is kind of overused here. I think that because you've already told the audience that she is royalty, they will get the point that she has all of these things like body guards and weird letter openers and such.

Believability/Characterization: I think it's quite believable. A young girl having the weight of a whole country on her shoulders at such a young age would be very tired of this kind of thing. It's boring and she surely didn't have a normal childhood. I do also want to mention to be careful with that, because that kind of attitude can make her seem like a flat character. I'm sure once the story gets going though, there will be much more than this :) Also, I did want to ask just out of curiosity, does she not carry her father's last name? you mention her mother having the Evans blond hair, but is Evans her last name or her father's last name? If this is like a royalty thing I have no idea about, then you should definitely touch on that fact in the story itself.

Overall, I'm curious to see how this plays out! Thanks again for being so patient (although you probably forgot you requested, and I'm so so so sorry for that again). Feel free to re-request!

-Mon

Author's Response: Hi!
As for the overdueness, I'm totally cool with it! I'm pretty bad at answering reviews, so it's completely fine by me! :)

Repetitiveness: got it! I will definitely try and switch some of those words up, so thank you so much for pointing that out!

And yes, that inner monologue I will definitely rework! Again, thank you so much for pointing that out!

And yay! I'm glad it has an air of believeability (even though Avalyn is completely made up!). And yes, don't worry she will be very interesting! Imagine a female version of George Weasley. :P

And she carries her mother's last name because of how the Avalyn royal system is set up, so I will definitely touch on that when I rework this chapter. Once again: thank you so much for pointing that out! Oops! :)

Thank you so much and I hope you do find out what happens! Again, I'm good with the wait (this response is already a month late, so no worries!). And I will try to as best I can!

Thank you so much Mon! This was super helpful and made me very happy!

Lo:)


 Report Review

Review #3, by DumbledoresArmyOfOne The Letter

11th November 2013:
Hi Lo!
I'm so sorry for the terrible, terribly delay. You of all people know how NaNo is... it sucks your soul, I tell you.

Okay, so I'll start with what I enjoyed, which pretty much encompasses the whole chapter! This is a really interesting premise and I'm excited to read more. Teenaged royalty, a shocking letter, boring paperwork and... peacocks? What's not to love! It was really well written, and, thought short, engaging and interesting.

As for believability, it was really good! I have a few concerns about characterization. I understand that Carolyn is young and she has to be relatable, but I'd imagine that if she was brought up in Court, some 'royalness' would rub off on her. She seems almost a bit /too/ relatable, if you know what I mean. But as a character I like her a lot, and she is, of course, /yours/ :P

I only noticed a couple of punctuation errors, and no spelling mistakes (except one You're where it should be your) so that's always lovely!

I really liked the ending! Such intrigue o.O

So great start, I can't wait to see what happens next :D

(you can't be mad at me for not writing today because I wrote a review for YOU ! :D )

~Gilly

Author's Response: Hi Gilly!
And I totally know how much time NaNo suck out of your life, so don't worry :P

Yay! I'm glad you liked it! And as for Carolyn's royalness, I should really look into projecting what I'm thinking. I might as well explain it here though :)

Basically her mother tried to let her have a moderately average life, but when her mother died she was pushed into the role of queen and basically rebelled against that for a while. I will look into making her a little bit more formal, but I tried to convey a teenager sick of her job and just wanting to take a break since all she does is paperwork...

And I will definitely check for those errors and that horrifying typo! Gosh! I'm so embarrassed...

And yay! I'm glad you liked it! And no worries about not writing today, as long as you stay caught up. (To be honest, I only wrote about 2000 words last Monday to Friday. Weekends are my NaNo saver!)

Thanks!
Lo :)


 Report Review

Review #4, by Cannons Prejudice in Diagon Alley

3rd November 2013:
HEY!

Ok, how did I miss this update? :o

This was brilliant, my favourite chapter so far. I really wanted to see what would happen when these two met and it was great.

You were very funny about Flitwick and your description of entering Diagon Alley was great.

I really enjoyed the two interaction, not often is George awestruck and Carolyn seemed to make quite the impression. It mush have been great for her to stop acting like a Queen and just go get some ice cream.

Carolyn does seem extremely clueless about everything magical and its fun trying to guess as your reading what she's talking about.

Flitterwick!

:):D

Author's Response: HI!

Yay! I'm glad you thought it was awesome!
And that you liked my description's of things!
Yay!
And yes, she has absolutely no idea what is going on around her, so I'm glad it isn't annoying when you don't know what she's talking about :P

Thank you!

Lo:)


 Report Review

Review #5, by MadiMalfoy The Letter

3rd November 2013:
Hey there, I'm here with your requested review! :)

So, since you didn't have anything specific, I'm just kind of going to give you feedback on basically everything!

Firstly, the characters! I absolutely love your OCs!! And the fact that they're royals of this tiny island off of Ireland is absolutely brilliant! I can't wait to see how Carolyn's sister's acceptance to Hogwarts affects not only their relationship but also how it will tie in with George and Carolyn's supposed pairing! I am really excited to see where you go with them, especially with developing their personalities as well!

The setting is great too! Can George please visit the castle soon? Please?! That'd be pretty neat, I think, just because it's not exactly like what he probably thinks it will be. So yay! I love the humor already, I think it will be a great contrast to George's sadness and grief over losing Fred. Hopefully it will help him to get over his pain and be happy again.

Overall, a wonderful start to this story, I can't wait to read more! Please feel free to re-request for future chapters. :)
~MadiMalfoy x

Author's Response: Hi!

Yay! I love that you love my characters!
And yay! I'm glad you like it overall!

Thank you so much!

Lo:)


 Report Review

Review #6, by Rumpelstiltskin Lunchtime Madness

1st November 2013:
*squee* You've updated! *huggles story*

Of course Marielle is a Ravenclaw, what else could she be? :)

Carolyn's personality really shines through in her reaction to Quinn's breaking of the vase. She seems to maintain some very admirable qualities while still being able to uphold her duty to act as queen. That must be a very careful, troublesome dynamic to write, but you are doing it perfectly!

The scene where Carolyn mistakes George for a wall after colliding with him is hysterical. His reaction is priceless!

I'm excited, as always, for more!

I also wanted to let you know that I am cheering you on during NaNo. Go MT go!

-Rumpel

Author's Response: Yay, I've updated!

And yay! I'm so glad you like it! And yes, Marielle is a smart little girl, Carolyn is both responsible and laid-back, and I'm glad you like it!

And if you loved that reaction, just wait for the next one (mean Lo, not actually giving you the next chapter for a little while though...).

And yay! Thanks for the cheering! (I reached 10k+ today!!!)

It's always nice to come onto HPFF and see that you reviewed. It makes my day! ;)

Lo :)


 Report Review

Review #7, by Lululuna The Letter

30th October 2013:
Hi! Here for your requested review- I just went ahead and bumped you up my review queue since you were just a little bit late. :)

I think this is a really interesting start! The idea of there being a country off of Ireland with its own monarchy combined with the wizarding world is so original. The combination of modern and archaic is pretty interesting here: like how she has a letter opener but also has an intercom.

I was wondering- is there a significance that she has so many middle names? I was curious at how the names seem quite modern and not historical. Also, if she's Carolyn the seventh, Carolyn isn't a particularly historic name either to have seven generations of it. Just a thought. :)

Carolyn seems like a good character so far. I liked her voice throughout the story, and how she was happy to have a letter from a young child. I'm curious to find out how she will integrate with the wizarding world - her sister being a witch is a unique twist - and how she will fit into canon and meet George.

Since Carolyn being queen of Avalyn is a major theme of her identity, I would like to see more about the island itself: it's geography, it's people, it's foreign policy with the UK and Ireland. I know this is the first chapter and there's lot of time to explore these things, but it's always good to start stories with a firm base. Also, some advice I have would be to put a little more description into the chapter. What does Carolyn look like, besides having blond curls? What does her castle look like? (this may just be because I love castles :P). Of course, it's still early in the story, but if you're looking to go back and edit this chapter these are some things to think about. :)

I love how Carolyn asked if anyone knew about an "organization" called Hogwarts. It was a great and funny way to introduce the idea and show how much of a shock it will be to them all.

Overall, I think you have a great start to an OC and a unique premise to a story with a lot of room for creativity and exploration of the HP-verse. Nice job, and feel free to re-request! :)

Author's Response: Hi! And thanks so much for doing this considering you didn't actually have to! It means a lot! :)

I will look at the names and try and explain why I did that, and I will definitely try and figure out the Carolyn thingy too. Thanks for pointing that out!

I will definitely think about the description points when I do a complete overhaul of this story in December, so thanks for bringing those up (and don't worry, castles *are* pretty awesome).

And thank you! This review was both filled with happy things and CCs (which I love), so I really appreciated this and I will make sure to seriously consider every single thing you pointed out when I revuew and make changes to this story.

Thanks so much!

Lo :)


 Report Review

Review #8, by Rumpelstiltskin Prejudice in Diagon Alley

26th October 2013:
Everyone likes to update their stories at the same time, don't they? Only to send me into a frantic mess of notebook pages and flailing pens! :) I'm only kidding. I'm so happy to see another chapter!

Ah, the first conversation between Carolyn and George! This is fantastic. I hadn't thought about it, but the interaction borne from an outsider towards somebody like George is quite brilliant. Since neither knows anything of one another's suffering, you were able to create this beautiful scene. There are no sympathetic attachments between the two, allowing them to be brutally honest with one another (as it appears George is showing distaste in Carolyn for the time being).

I do hope you caught all of that. It seems I am rambling tonight.

I quite enjoy how Carolyn is attempting to prove others wrong concerting their opinions of her and Marielle (specifically stating a certain comment that she made about moving a certain object from a certain someone's...orifice). :) So funny.

I will be anticipating the next chapter and I have also been meaning to read "All Bets Are Off" as that seems right down my alley. I am nearly caught up on my reviews so I promise to get there soon!

Until next time
-Rumpel

Author's Response: Hi! And as happy as you are to see another chapter, I'm so happy you read and reviewed it!

And don't worry, I caught all of that. You like the brutally honest approach and you think that because they have no idea what the other has been through, this scene is really beautiful.

And yay! I'm glad you like Carolyn's story and all of her little quirks!

As for 'All Bets Are Off,' I would *love* if you read that! It's kind of my unplanned, go with the flow baby!

Hope to hear from you soon!

Lo:)


 Report Review

Review #9, by AlexFan The Letter

24th October 2013:
I've actually seen this on the humor page while I was stalking it and I'd been planning on checking it out for a while but I never got to it until now.

I can see how something like this would be believable, it's kind of like the Princess Diaries and all but not really. I love this side of royalty, the part where they're annoyed about havig to sign so much paperwork and everything.

I'm beginning to think that Queen Elizabeth II must feel this was sometimes but she does it for her country.

I find it a bit unrealistic how Carolyn puts all of her trust in her government. I personally think she should be involved in her go ernment or at the very least know what's going on. But I could be watching too much Doctor Who.

By the sounds of it, Carolyn would have no idea if there was something wrong going on that her government is responsible for because she doesn't seem involved.

The other thing was the little insertions here and there. Like when you mentioned that she lived in a castle and then Carolyn interrupted with yeah, I live in a castle. It interrupted the flow of the circle and kind of startled me a little.

But other than that, it was a good first chapter!
-Grace

Author's Response: Hi!

I really should be more explicit with this information... okay so Chancellor Evans was the sub-in queen while Carolyn was in training after her mother died. Because Carolyn is still 'in control' of the country, her signature passes the laws. Chancellor Evans has assistants in the government who report to her. Chancellor Evans is Carolyn's cousin, and because of that and the years Chancellor Evans was running the country, Carolyn has complete faith in her. Not her government, but Chancellor Evans.

And, because the government was chosen by the people (democratic government, but the Queen has 'full reign' over the country in name only (Carolyn's family and the democratic government have been working together for years now, and everyone in the country is okay with that because Carolyn doesn't really pass laws. The people they voted for do.

But thank you for pointing that out, I will try and make that more comprehensible :)

The flow, I will definitely work on!

Thanks so much for the CCs and for taking the time to read this!

Lo:)


 Report Review

Review #10, by patronus_charm The Letter

22nd October 2013:
Hi, I’m here with your review!

I found Carolyn’s narration too mixed for me. At times she was almost humorous in situations which weren’t entirely appropriate such as talking about her mother’s death, and then in other times such as talking about what she had to do as a leader too serious when it would be better to alter those narration moods.

One thing to consider is to perhaps go into greater depth about how the country ruling system works. Like the Chancellor thing, are you basing that off how Germany is run with a Chancellor reporting to the president or is it like in the UK where they control the money. Then the dual-government system which I didn’t really get either. I can tell this is an integral part of the story so perhaps revising it and including greater clarity and detail about it so we can understand more.

I liked Marielle she seemed really bright and cheery and I look forward to seeing their relationship develop throughout the story. I can’t help but wonder whether they’ll be a happy sister relationship or whether jealously will appear between them. Then the bit about Chancellor Evans and the same colour hair. Perhaps she’s a closer relation than a cousin? Hmm, interesting to ponder.

Their reaction to Hogwarts really made me chuckle, as they just seemed to be so confused. I wonder how Carolyn is going to get involved with George though that. It will be interesting to see what happens there with Marielle and how she will link in. One thing to consider adding in is their ages so I can place them in comparison with the Weasleys and co.

I would advise another read through of this story to make sure that your tenses are correct because I noticed in several areas such as here ‘The royal animal is a peacock. ‘ and ‘yeah, I live in a castle, that’s part of being a queen’ you slipped into present tense when the rest of it was in past tense, another quick read through of it should eliminate those errors.

I hope that this review wasn’t too harsh and of some use to you, as it is off to a good start.

-Kiana

Author's Response: Hello!

Hmm... I don't really know what to do about that. I just tried to convey that Carolyn had, well, not *gotten over* her mother's death, but realized that it had to happen (Marielle was born as a result). The humor that I think you're talking about is when she says the death wasn't specific? I really tried to make that seem as though she realized the position she was in, explaining the death of a Queen, and tried to explain that no, her mother was not assassinated. But, as you're getting mixed signals on that, I will definitely rework that.

The leader bits were serious because I tried to make it seem as though she doesn't like her job? She thinks being a queen is a burden, so I didn't really want to make her sound happy about her duties, but, again, I will rework this because it obviously didn't come off the way I planned...

I will definitely go into detail on the monarchy/government system in that rewrite, so thanks for pointing it out. Basically, a government. Chancellor Evans is a fixed part of that government and is there as the queen's adviser most days, or has a personal assistant to do so. The queen has to sign every document passed by parliament though, so that it is truly passed. I will definitely explain that though!

Marielle is so cute, isn't she? I adore her! And Chancellor Evans, sorry to disappoint, is only a cousin. Although that does seem like an intriguing concept :)

I tried to place the ages in comparison to the Weasleys in the overall summary, as I mention that Carolyn is 19 and George is 21, which is roughly two years after the final battle (so this is set in 2000 if I'm not mistaken). I will try and insert that into the chapter though.

The tense things I cringe at. I hate typos, so as soon as NaNo is over and I have time to freak out over my typos, I will definitely change those!

And thank you so much for your time, this wasn't too harsh in the least! In fact, it was very helpful and I appreciate it so much!

Lo:)


 Report Review

Review #11, by kristyhes Crown of Blood and Wisdom

21st October 2013:
Hey there! Just thought to give some feedback on this chappie.. So I think it was good and Marielle seems to be very sweet and quite full of energy.. Hmm George in the next chapter? Well, I'm really looking forward to it! :)

Toodles,
kristyhes(gryffiefan)

Author's Response: Hi!

And yes, isn't Marielle just darling? I love her!

As for George, I think you'll be surprised as to what happens. ;)

Thanks so much!

Lo :)


 Report Review

Review #12, by kristyhes The Letter

21st October 2013:
Review request from forum :)

Hello there! Sorry for the lateness but I was busy..

So I think that your story is really good and the introduction to the plot also was good.. Carolyn seems to be very mature and I think it's necessary when your in charge of a whole country.. I also like her personality and I think that there will be more to see in the other chapters..

If I got it well Carolyn is a muggle right and her sister who is 11 received her letter from Hogwarts and I'm assuming that her deceased mother was a witch.. I think that the plot is interesting and that the way you wrote this first chapter makes the reader curious about what will happen next..

Now a few things.. I did not quite understand the part at the end " if I didn’t get all the information on them that I could to keep her safe." I don't know if you typed it wrong or if it's the way you wanted it, but I think there's something missing in this sentence. Also in the last sentence " with (will) be void "?

So overall it was a good chapter!

Toodles,
kristyhes(gryffiefan)

Author's Response: Hi!
And I totally understand! Real life can get hectic! :)

Yay! Good introduction! And as for Carolyn, you'll soon find that her maturity is just an act. One can only be presentable for a certain amount of time before one cracks.

And you did get it right, although their mother was a muggle as well, leaving Marielle a muggleborn. I'll try and make that clearer when I patch this up. But yay! I'm so glad you think it's interesting!

The stuff at the end I will look over with a fine-toothed comb, specifically for those mistakes, so thank you for pointing those out ;)

Thank you so much for your time and this was really helpful!
Lo:)


 Report Review

Review #13, by Cannons Crown of Blood and Wisdom

21st October 2013:
hey, just leaving you some feedback on this chapter, I enjoyed it and can't wait until the next chapter to see how you have written George.

:)

Author's Response: Hi!

I'm super glad you enjoyed it, and I'm super excited for you to read the next one!

It'll be put in the queue shortly, as soon as my latest chapter for Romanian Romance (15+) is validated! :)

Thanks so much!
Lo :)


 Report Review

Review #14, by Cannons Travel Plans

20th October 2013:
Hi, just read on as this chapter wasn't too long.

Before I forget I noticed a little error that I thought I'd point out 'needed to be packED'

I was under the impression that they were going to go to Hogwarts and check the security and then come back and have another discussion. I thought Royals would always take a long time over decisions but these Royals seem to get things done quickly!

This was a nice chapter to link everything together I think it maybe have been a little short but as they say 'short and sweet' ( I think they do...) and it was enjoyable.

That was a great twist with her condition I totally didn't see that coming.

Cannons

Author's Response: Hello!

Well yay! Two reviews instead of one! Always appreciated!

The error I will fix ASAIDR (as soon as I'm done responding).

As for the decision, Marielle's birthday is near the end of August, so they really didn't have time to go to Hogwarts and come back. Also, Carolyn is extremely hot-headed, so she doesn't want her father to ruin this in any way, and she's known to make extremely rash decisions.

That said, I will go over this with a fine-toothed comb and try and sort that confusion out.

And her condition actually becomes a part of the story later on, but yay! Plot twist!

Thanks so much for this! It was really helpful and just made my day!

Lo:)


 Report Review

Review #15, by Cannons The Crown Princess's Choice

20th October 2013:
I'm here with your requested review, so hey!

Awhh Marielle is soo sweet and I'm so happy she got to make her own decision! I'm guessing this was quite an important chapter in your story and it read quite well.

I can sort of see the direction this is going, and it looks quite exciting, personally I can't wait until she meets George. I'm sure you will do a great job when we get there.

I think the length of this chapter and the next one maybe be a little short but I understand that you are trying to build it up nicely.

Overall a good job and you are dragging me in and it seems I don't really have a choice in the mater!

Nice chapter :)

Author's Response: Hello!

Yes, it was very important to the story, I really wanted Marielle (and she is darling, isn't she?) to start making decisions that she never had the chance to make beforehand.

And George? I don't know if I've told you, but he's extremely prejudiced and neither Carolyn nor George especially like each other to start (*spoilers!).

The length is a little fluctuatey, I know. I would put chapters together, but I try and keep one scene the entire chapter for some unknown reason (I honestly have no clue why...).

And I'm dragging you into this? Yay!... As long as you're not kicking or screaming, though.

Thank you for your time, this was really appreciated!

Lo:)


 Report Review

Review #16, by Cannons 'Bloody Royals'

19th October 2013:
Hi there!

So I think in my other review to this story I so naively saidthat she was lucky to have control over a whole country or something like that. yeah? well guess what I totally 100% take that back now.

I really feel for her because it sounds as if she has no friends at all and all she does is paperwork and mundane things!

She seems like such a strong character though and you show how much this means to her for her sister to be able to go, that you just intensify my pity for her! I hope in future chapters she can actually just have some FUN like a normal person.

Her fathers view point is understanding as well, and I feel a bit bad that he lost his wife but it seems as if he is holding his daughters back a little bit.

It was easy to read and flowed well. I was a bit confused about 'immediately put into rush training' I didn't know if you meant that she was rushed in to training or if 'rush training' is some sort of Royal thing.

Anyway this was a real intense chapter and the transition between this one and the last was great. I can't wait to see how you move forward with this.

Cannons

Author's Response: Hey hey hey!

About the take back, I thought you might say something like that :) In all reality, her best friend is her attendant Quinn (to be introduced later), closely followed by Chancellor Evans. Then Marielle.

That's why she really needed Marielle to have a different childhood because that sort of isolation was really weighing heavily on her.

And don't worry, as soon as George is introduced, she begins to have lots of fun that Chancellor Evans would *completely* disapprove of :)

Her father is just worried because his daughter's are royalty, something he was never really implicated in until he met their mother, so he doesn't really know what to do.

Rush training will be explained later, but because it isn't a spoiler, rush training is training that is rushed through, finer details overlooked because there is a time limit. In Carolyn's case, her mother had just died and she had a few more years of training to get through. That's actually why she's so different than other queens (have you met other queens? Uptight, drama queens, high-maintenance the lot of them!) - not as trained.

But thank you so much for taking the time to review this! It really means a lot to me!!!

Thank you!

Lo:)


 Report Review

Review #17, by adluvshp The Letter

19th October 2013:
Hi! Here for your requested review from the forums!

This seems like a very interesting story and I liked this opening chapter. The plot seems to be intriguing and I am curious to see the direction this heads in. I liked the way you have written Carolyn's thoughts, she sounds likeable and relatable even though she's a "queen" which is good.

I also liked how you put in little details regarding the island and the governance and a bit about Carolyn's family in here without it coming across as extra background information. It fit right in with the narrative which was good.

The only constructive criticism I'd like to give you is to perhaps include more description of the settings and appearances - more imagery (though not necessarily vivid) - that can help readers visualise the events. I understand everyone has a different writing style so in fact it is okay if you don't have that many descriptions in the later chapters of the story, but I believe that the first chapter of a story should always set the scene and to do that, the writer needs to provide some heavier than usual descriptions.

For instance, you could describe the office Carolyn sits in, the way she looks, the way Chancellor Evans looks, the expressions and emotions going through her and her cousin, in more detail. This can be done in simple ways by directly incorporating them into the main content. For example, Chancellor Evans smiled at me and her bright green eyes sparkled. The content stays the same and yet we get an inkling of how the person looks - their eye colour anyway. Similarly, you could do it for the surroundings and Carolyn herself.

Of course, those are merely suggestions so feel free to take them or ignore them =) Besides that, I don't have any CC for you except for a tiny grammar error I noticed in the last sentence that said "--tutoring to private school with be void." which I believe should be "--would/will be void."

I quite liked this chapter and I am excited to see more of Carolyn as well as how she deals with her sister going to Hogwarts, and how she meets George. Your writing style is neat and the pace of this chapter was fine. The narrative flowed smoothly and it made for a nice read. This first chapter was definitely well-written as it makes me want to read further, so please feel free to re-request.

I hope I didn't come across as too harsh. You have a great plot here and pretty good talent so keep writing!

8/10
Cheers!
AD
(AditiDraco95)

Author's Response: Hi!
Thanks so much for taking the time to review this!

I'm glad you like the plot and even happier that you think Carolyn's relatable.

Description is actually a problem I have frequently, so I will definitely take your suggestions to heart. I have trouble deciding what to focus on, so this really helped! Thank you!

The typo I will take care of as well. Thank you for pointing it out because I *totally* missed that :)

Also, you didn't come across as harsh at all. Everything was extremely useful and thank you for saying that I have talent. I'm blushing... *aggressive blushing ensues*

Thank you again for taking the time to read and review this! It means a lot and, as I said before, is really helpful!

Lo :)


 Report Review

Review #18, by Cannons The Letter

18th October 2013:
Hi!

So awesome banner btw.

This is an unusual idea, how did you come up with it? Your protagonist is really lucky to have control over a whole country when she is so young! (or unlucky ;) ) I'm not sure yet if she is a witch or not, but if not even better.

I'm excited to see where George Weasley comes in to this :)

There are some places where I would have probably used commas and things like here 'I took the mug and smiled as the steaming scent of Earl Grey tea wafted up. (, but) But looking down at the stack of letters, my smile dropped. '

anyway it's a cool idea and a nice opening chapter.

Cannons

Author's Response: Hey, hey!

As for the banner, that was all Idioteque @ TDA!

I came up with idea because I saw Idioteque's banner in her Up For Grabs and I *had* to have it. I couldn't let anyone else snag that masterpiece. So, I spent about three days trying to figure out a story that did the banner justice.

And Carolyn lucky to control a country? In a sense. She has to be extremely formal a large majority of the time, but she also has more power than most 19 year old's, so I guess her position is both a curse and a blessing.

George actually doesn't come in until the 6th chapter, but after that he is featured prominently. A little spoiler: he's extremely prejudiced when he first meets Carolyn.

Commas, I will work on them. Especially in those sentences you mentioned.

Thank you for this amazing review!

Lo :)


 Report Review

Review #19, by Line_v Crown of Blood and Wisdom

17th October 2013:
I am very intrigued.. But i always am when i find something with an original idea.. ;D Looking forward to more of this.. ;]

Author's Response: Well I'm glad this intrigued you!
Thank you for leaving a review and hope you like the next installment!
MT:)


 Report Review

Review #20, by Rumpelstiltskin Crown of Blood and Wisdom

16th October 2013:
The interaction between Carolyn and McGonagall is lovely. The fact that the characters both speak and act (generally) very primly makes for a very intriguing little segment!

Hooray! I am looking forward to George's appearance in the next chapter! Carolyn and George's contradicting personalities are sure to create some interesting scenarios.

I have to say, I am quite enjoying this plot that you have fabricated! I do apologize for missing your updates! If I am negligent of them again please feel free to PM me on the forums. If I haven't left a review it means that I haven't read the chapter and I don't want to miss out!!

Looking forward to more!

-Rumpel

Author's Response: Well good day again!

So I'm assuming I wrote McGonagall well? I've had problems with a Dumbledore character, so I'm glad you aren't yelling at me, screaming that McGonagall 'does NOT act like that!' (and I'm joking. No on'es yelled at me...yet)

And George! Dear old George. I'll give you a hint as to what happens: he thinks that she thinks that she's better than him. And it leads to them not getting along to start with.

As for the updates, I put up, what, like three chapters in a day? You are totally excused for not noticing until now!

But I will PM you if it means that much to you :)

Thank you for all the delightful reviews!

MT;)


 Report Review

Review #21, by Rumpelstiltskin Travel Plans

16th October 2013:
I really enjoy that you are emphasizing that Carolyn is a queen. You have shown great vigilance with keeping your OC in character! The way she speaks and presents herself are all very telling indicators that she is an extremely important individual. I am very excited to see how she will interact with the other characters!

Also, I am quite curious about her veins...will have to read more.

On to the next chapter!

-Rumpel

Author's Response: Well hi again!

I hope you don't like regal Carolyn *too* much, because Merlin knows she hates acting like that.

Of course, I will keep writing her that way because she *needs* to act like that sometimes (bloody character muttering at me angrily in my head about wanting to let go and be herself).

Now, I'll give you a hint about her veins: it has something to do with her bloodline. And now you're thinking 'Wow, you already said that in the story.' But that's all I'm giving you! ;)

Thanks again! You are making my day!

MT:)


 Report Review

Review #22, by Rumpelstiltskin The Crown Princess's Choice

16th October 2013:
Oh my goodness! I have been so very neglectful to this story! There have been many updates and I missed them all?! Okay, it is time to start making up for my inattentiveness (and yes, I will be that annoying reader who will comment on every chapter)!

Marielle is too cute! I am very happy to see that Carolyn has 'convinced' her father to allow Marielle to go to Hogwarts! Or, at least, allows her the choice. I am very excited to see where this is going!

-Rumpel

Author's Response: Hello!

And don't feel like you've been neglectful. The validators were just extra beautifully nice this weekend and the queue was amazing short.

And feel free to keep reviewing (more for greedy ol' me!).

Isn't Marielle just a little darling? She's so innocent and funny! And she's going to Hogwarts! I'm so excited to write that part!

So, thank you for reviewing! It means a lot!

MT:)


 Report Review

Review #23, by 1917farmgirl 'Bloody Royals'

9th October 2013:
Wow, that was intense! I can honestly see the view point of both Carolyn and her father. And I think it would be very hard to be the father of someone who was your child, but also your ruler.

I really, really, loved Chancellor Evans stepping in-between them, though. What she said was EXACTLY what I was thinking. And of course, no one thought to ask Marielle what she thought.

I know I have barely seen anything of her, but I really also like Marielle. She's cute and sweet and I love the relationship you've hinted at between the sisters - the way Marielle just bounced into Carolyn's office like a little siter would, uncaring that her sister is also the queen.

This is a really good start and I hope you continue writing it. Again, can't wait to see how George gets thrown into this mix.

Author's Response: Hello again!
Yes, I do believe Carolyn's father would find it difficult to deal with the fact that his daughter, not only doubles as his ruler, but doesn't even have the same last name. Remember, he wasn't an Avalynian until he married Carolyn's mom, so now he's in a country he wasn't born in, his wife is dead, his daughter's a queen and his other daughter is now something called a witch? This guy is in serious need of a massage.
As for Chancellor Evans, well, she's needed as a mediator because, honestly, do you see Carolyn having a level head at all times?
Now for Marielle. Don't you though? She's so cute and tiny and sweet, but I'll have to warn you, she's got a bite in later chapters.
And yes, that does mean I'll continue writing (I'm already done with Chapter 6!), of course.
As for George, I'm sorry to say he doesn't feature for the first few chapters, but as soon as he is, he is featured heavily.
Thanks so much again!
MT


 Report Review

Review #24, by 1917farmgirl The Letter

9th October 2013:
Wow, this is a most unusual start to a story! At first I was inclined to be a little skeptical - inventing an entire country and making your protagonist the ruler of it seemed a little far-fetched to me. But then I reminded myself that this was a story for a world where people flew around on brooms, kept three-headed dogs locked up in schools, and used birds to deliver mail... It didn't seem so far-fetched after that and I decided what the heck, give it a go.

Glad I did.

This is intriguing! And your character is very original, despite all the things that could have worked against her!

And I really like that the magic is being introduced into the story through her sister, not her. Great twist!

Really nice start. Keep it up! Can't wait to see how you bring George into this.

Author's Response: Hi!
Well, to be honest, I'm glad you did start reading it, but I understand the initial skepticism.
But yay! My character is original!
As for the introduction of magic, I wanted to just drop Carolyn into the magic world as she was (a hot-headed teenager who knew nothing about the wizarding war or (excuse my language), Fred's death.
So the 'my sister is magic is not me' was really just for that, but I'm glad it's a nice twist.
Thank you so much!
MT


 Report Review

Review #25, by Rumpelstiltskin 'Bloody Royals'

3rd October 2013:
This is an interesting start. I am definitely intrigued to read more!

-Rumpel

Author's Response: Yay!
Thank you so much!
MT:)


 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login