Reading Reviews for Death Eater's Kitchen
28 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Selma Black once more, with quiche.

12th October 2015:
I loved this story! Thanks for a good read!

Author's Response: Thanks! :D I'm so glad you enjoyed the story, and thanks for the review!

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Review #2, by SunshineDaisies once more, with quiche.

11th August 2015:



You amaze me. I remember reading When Summer Fades and wanting to cry for a week AND THEN I READ THIS AND I'M CRYING BECAUSE I'M LAUGHING SO HARD. Your range is incredible. (Note to self: bring tissues next time I hit up your author page).

Obviously, I thought this was hilarious. I think it's nice to see villains portrayed humorously on occasion, and I think this did that perfectly. You kept Barty in character, but made him wonderfully ridiculous as well. I loved reading about him using the imperius to have students make him lunch. And the fact that he chose to make the most random things (with the silliest sounding names), is just fantastic.

I also really like how you wrote this story as mostly really silly and ridiculous, but also included some really sharp satire as well! I loved the line about "a certain muggle author" and Dumbledore's whole speech about why time turners don't go into the future. SO FUNNY.

Overall this was fantastic. I giggled the whole way through! :D

Author's Response: HI KATIE. ♥

I'M SORRY BUT ALSO KIND OF HAPPY ABOUT THE LAUGH TEARS. I think laugh tears is probably the best possible reaction - at least you didn't just get really hungry while reading it. :P wah, but thank you for your compliments! I do try to write all across the board in different genres so that's such a lovely thing to hear ♥

There is something so fun about portraying a cold hearted villain in a silly way. I'm glad you thought he was still in character, despite being ridiculous! And oh man, the food. I was in an airport writing this way early in the morning and I was so hungry and just thinking about all the delicious things I wanted. :P

Most of it is silly and ridiculous yes, though technically, you know, nothing in this story actually negates canon so it COULD be true. :P I love satire so much, and I'm glad you enjoyed the jabs at all the holes in the series - all my satiric jabs at HP are really out of a place of love. It's kind of like the way you tease a sibling. :P

Thank you so much for your review! I'm so glad this story amused you :D

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Review #3, by Penelope Inkwell once more, with quiche.

20th July 2015:
For the House Cup 2015, Slytherin

WHAT IS THIS?! It's too BRILLIANT for your own good, that's what it is. I knew as soon as I saw the summary that I simply had to read this, because...why had it taken the whole year to kill/transport Harry Potter? Why?! Well, you have provided me with a most satisfactory explanation. Why? Pie. And also quiche. Really it makes absolute sense--what else would Barty have done under house arrest. And, I mean, everyone has a passion! Even Death Eaters! Why should he only eat death? Why not linguine? And THAT ENDING! BAHAHA! This is wonderful! This is all the answers I needed. Thank you!

Highlight reel: The revived Dark Lord would be so pleased to receive, as a welcome-back present, a Dark Mark-stencilled apple pie from his most loyal servant.

“This is a classroom,” said Barty gruffly, “and you are here to learn Defence Against the Dark Arts. There is no room for tomfoolery in this class, so put away that wind machine.” The blonde girl sighed and turned off her portable fan.

his eyes twinkling like sequins at an ABBA concert.
--I can definitively say that this is an excellent comparison, as I have been to...well, not an ABBA concert, exactly. They were a great deal before my time. But I went to one of their tribute band's concerts (my parents took me. I was going through an ABBA phase. No one really knows why, even now, or how I even discovered ABBA It was the early 2000s, and I was in elementary or early middle school. It was a wonderful evening, and there was indeed much glitter!)

(after becoming frustrated with the bureaucracy in the nonprofit organisation, he’d spitefully bought a new wooden leg made of teak, which had to come from the rapidly shrinking rainforest)

BAhahaha I'm still smiling. I can't stop.


Author's Response: Hi again! TWO reviews from you - how did I get so lucky? ♥ thank you!!

Haha, yes this story was really my attempt to address a plot hole in the series and technically, it is canon compliant because there is nothing in this that expressly negates canon. So, uh, all of this happened, more or less. ;)

Also your review is cracking me up (particularly this - here's my highlight reel of your review: "why would he eat only death? why not linguine?" hahaha) and if you haven't already written a humour story then you should try one because I think it would be amazing.

Haha, glad to have the insider knowledge to back up my assertion that Dumbledore's eyes are indeed like sequins at an ABBA (or ABBA tribute) concert. :D

Your review put the hugest smile on my face - thanks for reading and reviewing and I'm so happy you enjoyed the story!

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Review #4, by Ribbons once more, with quiche.

20th December 2014:
This is, quite possibly, the most amazing thing I have ever read. Barty Crouch Jr. and Quiche, a love story that ends in tragedy. Doomed by the inevitable appearance of a truly horrible math problem.

You have succeeded. Truly. I have been fulfilled. There can't be anything better than this, there can't be any story with more humor, spontaneity and imagination than this one-shot.

Well done, my friend. You have brightened my day.

Much, much, MUCH love,


Author's Response: Alena!! ♥ This review is, quite definitely, the most amazing thing I have ever read. :D Thank you sooo much, this was such a lovely surprise and seriously made my day! I am so glad you enjoyed the story and all this weirdness put together by my jet-lagged brain.

THANK YOU and Happy Winter Solstice :D

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Review #5, by Felpata Lupin once more, with quiche.

27th November 2014:
So this is what happens when someone is kissed by a Dementor? Ahahah! Algebra will save the world! I knew it!!!
Did I say A Tale of Star-Crossed Lovers was the craziest thing I ever read? Might've changed my mind...
I loved this story so much!!! You have such a clever, captivating and irresistibly hilarious way of writing nonsense...
I'm still trying to imagine Voldemort's face if he was presented with a Dark-Mark-decorated pie...
And I'm still trying to process Barty working with nonprofit organizations, too...
I loved the conversation with Dumbledore on Time-Turners! Of course, what use would be there to go forward in time, when you can mess with your past and risk to never be born or something like that? It would indeed be boring (nearly as much as assisting to the second proof of the Triwizard Tournament... Eheheh)
To cut it short, Kristin... This was absolutely delightful!
I love your stories, your writing and you!
Thanks so much for lighten my mood with your amazing humour!
Hugs and kisses,

Author's Response: Hooray for algebra! Can you imagine, Harry could have simply told Voldemort to find the area of a triangle, which would be impossible to a wizard who had never learned math - and it'd all be over without any spellwork and battles! :P

I'm glad you loved this story though! Hahaha, and it's lovely to hear that I write captivating nonsense XD I should put that on my author bio. :P

Who wouldn't be thrilled to be presented with an artistic pie? Of course, I suppose it could depend on the flavour.

Yes, a previously unknown redeeming quality of dear Barty Jr. He may have killed some people and deceived a lot of others, but at least he cared about water pollution! :P

Haha.. as much as I love the books, I have to admit that there are so many holes in the Potterverse, or things that don't make sense. Dumbledore, of course, would be the one to see that, with his twinkling eyes.

Gahh, you are so wonderful, Chiara! Thank YOU for brightening my day with your review! ♥

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Review #6, by gymnasticsandmagic246 once more, with quiche.

25th November 2014:

Author's Response: MUAHAHA THE HIDDEN TRUTH ABOUT DEMENTORS. I'm so glad you enjoyed it!! Thanks for your review :D

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Review #7, by Roisin once more, with quiche.

21st October 2014:
OK, so you need to know something: when I read "I’d love to take a time-turner and travel through time and space, and bring all my stuff with me in my secret seven-compartment box that’s bigger on the inside," I L(L)LOL'd (literally [literally] laughed out loud). For several minutes. Had to stop reading to wipe laugh tears from eyes.


You like, REALLY need to read HP:MOR!

Author's Response: There was too much of a connection to avoid that particular silliness - it had to be. I'm LOLing at the term L(L)LOL'd. :P


I found it! And it's about the length of War and Peace. I'll tell you what I think of it in like, a while. XD But it looks awesome!

Thanks for your review!! xo

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Review #8, by Chazzie once more, with quiche.

16th September 2014:
Oh. My. Goodness.
I can hardly breathe for laughter here. You clearly have an amazing imagination in the early hours of the morning. Although I guess that would be expected, as you went sleeping and hence unable to dream...
Hmm? Oh, yes. Off topic. Sorry. Back to your story. You have so much amazingness here. I mean this - 'How dare they be prejudiced against him, those stupid, filthy Muggles' was perfect. And this - 'The blonde girl sighed and turned off her portable fan'. I was crying at some points, really. The dementor's hood revealing the formula to discover the roots of a parabola? That was genius. You've been rather tongue in cheek for a lot of the story, and it was hilarious. Teen pregnancies? Check. A Potter wandering the halls at night? Check. Popular actual/pretending-to-be American girl? Check.
It actually really reminded me of A Very Potter Musical, but featuring Barty instead. I adored your descriptions.
Thank you very much for the review swap!

Author's Response: I tell you, sleep-deprived loopiness is somehow effective for writing a parody :p And no worries about going off topic... basically the whole fic is off topic! But ahh! Thank you so much! I'm so glad you enjoyed this absurd story as well as all its many cliches. :D
Wow, a comparison to A Very Potter Musical - that's high praise, my friend! Hmm, if only Barty were actually SINGING about quiche, the story would have been about 100x better. :P
Thanks for the swap!

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Review #9, by Freda_and_Georgina once more, with quiche.

11th July 2014:
For the House Cup 2014 Review
Hmm, this looks like an interesting story.
I like how you twisted the saying "bored out of his mind." His life goal...a cooking show? Well, he did seem to be a little coocoo.
I like your hint at what an alternate ending would have been.
"babies and algebra"? Seriously Crouch, how in Merlin's name is that heplful? Or is that your point?...Well that's one way to get lunch. Wow, she brought a portable fan? I'd hate kids too if they were all actually stuck up like that. Riddle, with an American accent? Odd. I wonder if Barty doesn't realize that Riddle was Voldemort's muggle father's name.
Haha I bet that application took some explaining; unless it was taken as a rude prank.
So much irony is pointed out in his conversation with Dumbledore, would make a good satire.
Haha the quadratic formula? He was right, math is scary.
Can I throw a Dark Marked Pie at the wall anyway just for kicks? ;)

Author's Response: Hehehe. Interesting is one word you could use. More like insane. :p

Babies and algebra... well you have to admit, Harry Potter, a baby, did defeat Voldemort, and Voldemort probably never learned algebra in school. As far as I'm concerned, Crouch is totally correct and helpful. :P But hey, that's parody for you ;)

Yep, I had a lot of fun writing that conversation with Dumbledore. Really this whole story is a satire (mixed with my sleep-deprived babbling about food and rainforest destruction).

Why don't you throw the Dark Marked pie at Voldemort? Then you don't have to clean up the wall, and Voldy gets pie in his face. Win-win.

Thanks for your review! :D

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Review #10, by DoctorUnderwood once more, with quiche.

13th June 2014:
My goodness, I love your humorous stories. They are so funny and I even LOLed at this one so hard. I rarely do that when I read, so congrats!

Some of the things that I loved:

I knew the quadratic formula was horrible, but I didn't think it was that bad!

"eyes twinkling like sequins at an ABBA concert"- such a great allusion right here! I can totes picture Dumbledore jumping up on to his desk and belting out "Dancing Queen"

Sherrie Sue - perhaps a comment on some of the characters found in HP fan fiction, hmmm? A Mary Sue even? And an American?

At any rate, I loved this SO much!

Author's Response: Hahah, thank you, I'm so glad you liked it! The stories you've read are the two nuttiest things I've ever written :p I'm glad they made you laugh out loud!

I'm not sure how quadratic equations ended up inside the Dementor hood haha, but that'd be a soul-sucking experience if you've had no training in maths past age 10. Hogwarts education ftw.

Dancing Queen is the unofficial Hogwarts song, I'm pretty sure. :p And yes there's loads of fanfiction cliches in here, like twinkly eyes and Sherri Sue. If I poke fun at the holes in the series, it's only fair that I poke fun at FF as well :D

Thanks so much for your review, it was such a wonderful surprise!

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Review #11, by Miss MarlaG once more, with quiche.

25th April 2014:
Wo sharkbite here with your review!

Just to start, I need to say this: oh my god. If there is something I appreciate more than anything in the world, it is satire. That was why I knew immediately this would be the story for me - and it didn't disappoint, I'm still hysterically laughing at the ridicule the piece shines on some certain parts of the HP universe that I never stopped to consider, but should definitely take into account LOLOLOL. Honestly, though - taking such a dark subject and character and spinning it on its heels; I need to tell you, beautiful, wonderful work.

(The pregnancy bit had me in stitches, I swear.)

Just, satire. its the best.

It didn't have any errors and it was fast-paced, which was appreciated with the kind of story it was. I just really liked how passionate Barty Jr was about everything - cooking, making sure he did the right Moody impression and killing Harry, of course. Its fine little piece of fiction you have here, and honestly, I am really very glad I got to read it. Please oh please do a satire for Bellatrix Lestrange - I'd cry forever and name you goddess of the universe.

10/10 for Brilliance.

Author's Response: Hello! Yay, I am glad to find a fellow appreciator of all things satire. As much as I adore the HP series, there really are things that don't make sense, and so I had to just point it out, in a obnoxious but loving way. :p

hehe, there are so many pregnancy stories out there - and how can I poke fun at the HP series without poking fun at fanfiction too? :D

Thank you, I'm so glad you enjoyed the story!! Ooh, satire about Bellatrix... that would indeed be quite fun. I'll let you know if I ever do write that, haha. Thank you so much for the swap!

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Review #12, by newgenerationlover once more, with quiche.

25th April 2014:
Hey! Here from the review swap!

I absolutely loved this story! You really must have a very creative mind to come up with all these things. I really liked your word choices in a couple different spots like "nice little Dark Mark", words not usually seen together haha. And I loved the part where Dumbledore explained how wizards only take the harder, longer path, which is honestly so true. And to use your students to make your lunches, thats pretty ingenious I have to say. Poor Barty, by the end I was really rooting for him to get his cooking show :P. And the ending killed me! I absolutely love that the mystery under a dementor's hood is a quadratic equation. This story was so original, funny, and very well written. You have done a great job and should be very proud! :)

xoxo Mary

Author's Response: Hi there! Thank you!! Haha yeah the odd word choice is one of the most fun parts of parody! And I'm glad you liked the explanation of how wizards do everything the hard way - as much as I love the HP books, there are just some things about the wizarding world that make no sense :p yes, algebra, scary indeed. I'm so glad you enjoyed this story and thanks so much for your review!

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Review #13, by evil little devil once more, with quiche.

28th March 2014:
I'm here from the review the person above thread from the common room :)
I'm not going lie, I picked this story off your author's page because of the banner. That facial expression! So perfect. Especially in the face of quiche.
And the story was as fun as the banner! Baking dark marks onto pies! Oh my gosh, I can picture this so perfectly in my head and it's the most hilarious image.
This story was so ridiculous, but in the most perfect way. And you wrote it in such a way that it could theoretically be realistic that Barty was thinking about baking the whole way through his classes, while still pulling off the Moody persona on the outside.
It did drag a little bit in the middle for me, although that could just be because I'm a bit tired, but then it picked right back up again towards the end. The quadratic equation of doom! I thought I'd managed to forget that fiend, but I feel like it's one of those things that will stick with you your whole life :P
This was such a fun oneshot to read! Hilarious and delicious :)

Author's Response: Hello! Why thank you haha, I think the banner is probably the reason most people read this. :p Barty Crouch's face twitch in GoF was just too good to not put on a banner for a food-related story. :D

I'm glad you like the Dark Mark pies and the sheer ridiculousness that is this fic. Of course realistic - after all, there is nothing in this story that expressly contradicts canon. It happened I tell you.:p

The dragging bit might have been when Barty's own life was dragging, maybe his own frustration with the television industry really made it onto the page lol. Anyway, I'm glad it picked back up for you, and that you appreciated the quadratic equation haha. Thanks so much for reading, and for your review! I'm glad you enjoyed it!

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Review #14, by Lady Asphodel once more, with quiche.

28th March 2014:
Bravo! Bravo! Bravo! *Applauds*

Honey, you've introduced me to a side of Barty Crouch Jr. that I thought was considerably impossible! However, with your mixture of the "Goblet of Fire" theme and aura with a mixture of comedy/parody was absolutely, brilliantly genius of you. I tip a million hats off to you!

I mean, wow! Him saving the world, yet you maintained the evil and arrogant characteristics... Great job dear... like seriously great job!

It was very funny, too, how you had the American "Dramatic" female student, and the other students make Barty's meals. :P

You also made me super hungry, 'cause I haven't ate in several hours. So as soon as I am done with this review - I shall go eat. :P

Again kudos! Your writing style is brilliant and very enjoyable to read!

- Asphodel

Author's Response: Thank you! Thank you! *bows* :p

But actually, thanks so much! I am so glad you enjoyed reading this, and the absurd characterisation of Barty Crouch. Yep, this is what was going on behind the scenes during Goblet of Fire. haha

There totes had to be an American student. No parody is complete without an incredibly cliched Mary Sue!

Bahaha, sorry about making you hungry. You should see if you can get someone to make you some quiche. :p

Thank you so much for your review!! I'm so happy that you liked the story! :D

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Review #15, by Remus once more, with quiche.

7th February 2014:
Hey! Sorry for the delay! I've been at work and it's been crazy!

I just had to come read this. First of, David Tennant on your banner looking all crazy along with what seems like a random plot. I love this!

The line Dark Mark-Stencilled apple pie from his most loyal servant. just cracked me up! In fact, it made me wonder if someone had actually done that. Lo and behold, there's a few out there! Ah, I love the fandom. Also, isn't it 'Stenciled'?

and it would save a certain Muggle author from having to write 2,500 more pages I think that's the best line! Lol!

I just wish I could make someone make me lunch like Barty did. Or dinner since I get off work so late. Life would be simple indeed.

I just...I just can't with this fic. Voldemort vs. Quadratic Equations. That's how one can defeat the Dark Lord!

Sherri Sue Riddle (in an American accent, of course!)--Hahahahahaha!!! :D

said Dumbledore, his eyes twinkling like sequins at an ABBA concert. I think Dumbledore's theme is Dancing Queen or Mama Mia. :)

Suddenly, the most wonderful aroma wafted into the corridor. Bacon! BACON! I love bacon!

The end tho!! I was not expecting the quadratic equation! I loved this!!

It was silly. Beyond absurd but it was fantastic. I guess it helps when it's well written that you can just forget all the seriousness of the series and the characters and just go with silly.

Anyway, thank you very much for doing the swap with me!!!

Author's Response: No worries on the delay! Thanks for the swap!

Wait, real people made Dark Mark pies?!?! *dies of laughter* Thank you for bringing this to my attention. :D Stenciled- hm, yeah possibly, I will double check that.

Hehe yeah, think of all that we'd miss out on if GoF was the last book in the series! I mean honestly what would the series be without Grawp? lol. But anyway, I'm glad you liked that line!

Yes, if only Harry had known about the power of the quadratic equation before he started that silly hunt for Horcruxes, right? :p Maybe that'll be explored in JK's new book called Harry Potter and the Quadratic Equation.

I'm glad you liked the not-even-remotely-cliche American Sherri Sue!

Ooh yes I think Dumbledore is probably a fabulous dancer. I could see that being his theme song.

Thanks so much for your review and I'm glad you enjoyed this absurdly silly fic!

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Review #16, by kenpo once more, with quiche.

1st February 2014:
Alright. I've been seeing this on your page for some time now... and I have to know what this is. I have the feeling that this will be strange but thoroughly enjoyable. The summary had me chuckling.

And, to top it off, he had just discovered the most scrumptious-looking pudding recipes in a cookbook in the Hogwarts kitchens.
Haha. Yes. I love this. You've got me.

Oh my goodness. He carves the Dark Mark into his pies.
At this point, I could probably make a claim that this shows how absolutely deluded he is, and how disconnected from reality he is.

I can imagine good ol' Voldy getting a pie and looking at it and being confused, but then he'd be so happy that somebody took the time to bake for him (that's what he sees in the Mirror, you know. Himself, holding a homemade pie) that his heart would grow three times the size and he'd bring Christmas to who-ville.

babies and algebra. ...what did I just read...?

"Do they go into the future as well? I’d love to take a time-turner and travel through time and space, and bring all my stuff with me in my secret seven-compartment box that's bigger on the inside."

Professor Sprout who used carnivorous plants to spy on the government.
Can you please write that story? Please?


I... I finished...

I don't know what I just read...



I liked it?

I know the quadratic equation.

...I don't know what this was... but I liked it...

I really just don't know what to say. I liked it. I was right that it would be strange. But I liked it.


I feel confused. But also amused.

Author's Response: Hehehe. This review made me laugh.

I am sure you're absolutely correct about what Voldemort would see in the Mirror of Erised :D Whose greatest wish wouldn't be to have homemade pies with Dark Marks on them?

haha, I'm glad you appreciated the Doctor Who reference. I had to, you know? Since David Tennant is the Doctor and Barty... and Moody's trunk is bigger on the inside like the TARDIS. That was just too excellent of a coincidence to ignore!

Bahaha yes maybe I should write that story. I can see it already, a sort of mystery/thriller. :p

I'm still laughing about the end of your review. Oh, that probably makes me sound evil for laughing at your confusion. But yes it is quite a strange story. I am so glad you enjoyed it! Thanks so much for your great review!! ♥

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Review #17, by UnluckyStar57 once more, with quiche.

7th January 2014:
Hullo! I'm here for the Twelfth Day of the Twelve Days of Reviewing. :)

Hahahahaha, just EVERYTHING about this story... First of all, I love the banner. David Tennant, with that awkward twitchy thing, eating a piece of pastry?!?! Too funny! And then I caught the reference to Doctor Who while he was in Dumbledore's office--that makes total sense, because he's the Doctor! :D

My most favorite character (besides dear Barty, of course!) was Sherri Sue Riddle. The portable fan was absolutely silly, and I loved it. I also loved that Barty made his students cook things under the Imperius Curse. It's too bad that his cooking show dream didn't work out--that would've been fun to watch!

...I feel like you captured the essence of what a Dementor is. Math is a soul-sucking thing, and it only makes sense that Dementors are made of math. That's why wizards lose their souls--they are asked to solve a math problem, and who does that?! (Not me, certainly!)

This was hilarious! Thanks for writing such a silly thing. :)


Author's Response: Hehehehe. The banner may be the best part of the story, actually. I am glad you enjoyed it. You know, it was always crazy to me to think how amazing David Tennant was as the Doctor and how CREEPY he was as Barty Crouch! And yeah because of that connection I couldn't help but sneak in a reference to DW in the story :D

Ah, Sherrie Sue. I'm so glad you liked her - she is perfect after all. :P Yeah, that probably would have been an interesting show to watch. I'm glad you liked Barty's adventures in cooking though!

Math is a little scary, isn't it? And since it's not taught at Hogwarts I imagine it's even scarier to a wizard. But yeah - you don't have to be a wizard to be scared of quadratic equations I suppose... speaking from experience :p

I'm so glad you liked this absolutely ridiculous story! Thanks for your review! :D

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Review #18, by Lululuna once more, with quiche.

19th November 2013:

How do you do this, be so fantastically funny? I loved pretty much every word of this piece, and have no idea how you came up with it, but it's quite awesome. I feel like I'm going to return here when I'm feeling sad or am too lazy to cook for myself and be inspired by Barty.

I love the character you've embodied here and how simple yet perfectly canon his personality is. To be fair he did accomplish a lot in the last few months what with escaping and capturing Moody. Something about being "bored out of his Imperiused mind" struck me as really witty as well, and I don't blame him at all for getting Winky to teach him to cook during the long years cooped up on house arrest.

Voldy's welcome-back present? Sharing his talents with the 2%? So sassy but perfect of his crazy ambitions. Snogging dementors? A certain Muggle author? Okay, I must refrain from quoting the whole story back to you. I think your comment about knowing how to control a classroom and be a good teacher was really valid. Maybe he watched some Glee and learned how to teach at the same time as he was learning to cook, and was just embodying his version of a Mr. Shu? Who knows.

The idea of the Imperius curse to get the students to cook was quite a good tie in with canon, since that's exactly what he seems to like to do in Harry's class.

Yes! Every good parody always has one of the Sue family, in my opinion. Sherri Sue and her portable wind machine were awesome. I really enjoy the other cliches that were brought in, like SS being American and sharing Voldy's last name and the time turner debacle and Dumbledore being all knowing and having sequins for eyes and glitter. Do I sense some bitterness with regards to glitter?

This: pointing to a silver (and purple, from the blackberries) HA.

This: we magical folk like to do things as dangerously as possible HA! And so true!

To be fair, I wouldn't want to watch a cooking show that paired the words death and eating together, though there is a nice link there with food. If I was a vulture, perhaps. (I'm sorry, my brain is quite frazzled at the moment)

I laughed out loud when Barty accidentally ended up in the graveyard with this hilarious set up of Wormtail waiting. So, so funny. Yet you raise a good point... why didn't he just hand him some object and get Harry there on time?! The cooking actually makes quite a logical alibi for Crouch's laziness in taking a full year to get Harry there. Hahaha, still thinking about Wormtail having to set up everything all over again...

The glitter returns! Of course Umbridge would love it.

Math was the perfect way to conclude the story and a great tie in to Barty's own teachings. I loved it, a lot, and it is indeed tragically true that no wizard would be able to understand algebra. Multiplication might even become a mystery. That equation set a bit of terror into my English major's heart, so I sympathize with Barty ultimate panic.

This was a brilliant read and really perked up my night, so thank you for writing it! :D I mean it, I'm going to return and giggle and find more things I didn't notice the first time around. Loved this!

Author's Response: Hi there! Ahhh thank you! Has anyone ever told you that you leave the best reviews? Because you do! ♥

Well, the secret to how I came up with this was actually just being sleep deprived and bored at an airport very early in the morning! :P Jet lag can do wonders!

I'm glad you liked the way I portrayed Barty and his ambitious dreams. Oh my goodness, I love the mental image of Barty watching Glee while he learned to cook :D Thank you for that.

I agree, I love reading about Mary Sues in parody! I tried to stick as many cliches as possible into the story, haha. You are correct about my feelings towards glitter. One too many times I've found glitter on me from an art project from 15 years ago :p

Yeah, he probably didn't think through the title of his show well enough. You could have been Barty's career advisor and encouraged him to create a television programme for vultures. I'm sure it would have been a hit.

I'm so glad you liked the graveyard scene with Wormtail. Ever since I first read GoF I wondered how it took Crouch so long to get him there, so this story attempted to explain that, in an absurd although technically canon compliant way :p And I apologise for the soul-sucking quadratic equation at the end, I'm sure they give a fright to more than just wizards. ;)

Thank you so much for reading, and for your fantastic review! I'm so glad you enjoyed the story!!

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Review #19, by milominderbinder once more, with quiche.

25th October 2013:
Review tag!

If your goal here was to make me laugh... you succeeded THOROUGHLY. I completely adored the absurdity of this, and especially the way you made that absurdity fit in with canon. Who's to say this isn't what actually happened!

And oh my god, the Dementor showing him algebra. I CAN RELATE. That honestly cracked me up the most and had me laughing for so long, it was the perfect end to the story. I bet a lot of people can relate to that!

I've never read a story about Barty Crouch jr before and this was by far a brilliant one to be my first! I am still giggling a little as I write this review and remember lines from the story! Honestly, well done, this was awesome :)


Author's Response: :D Thanks Maia! I'm so glad you enjoyed this absurd story. And yes, who knows... it could have happened. It's the back story we never knew, to a tragic, misunderstood character. :p Lol. Anyway, I'm glad you liked that aspect.

I'm so glad you liked the ending! Since they don't learn maths at Hogwarts, that seemed like a pretty scary concept for a wizard to be faced with. I didn't even go to a magical school (surprise!) and I'm still a little intimidated by maths as well. :p

Thank you so much for reading and for your review!

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Review #20, by lindslo2012 once more, with quiche.

14th October 2013:
This was just awesome. No one usually writes about Barty so this made the story extra special! :D I love the way you write, you're so talented!!! :D
I'm Lindsey! Nice to meet you! You may have seen me on the forums. Have a nice rest of the night! :D

Author's Response: Awww, thank you so much! This review was so sweet and totally made my day. I have indeed seen you on the forums, we are both in the most excellent of houses and by that I mean Hufflepuff. :D Thanks so much for your review!

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Review #21, by toomanycurls once more, with quiche.

13th October 2013:
Hi!!! I'm here with a review tag!

I kind of love the intro paragraph. It's light and covers a lot of ground. You've already got me laughing with the idea of Barty Crouch Jr. as an aspiring pastry chef.

The idea of Barty causing small fires in the kitchen is hilarious. I can imagine how Winky would have reacted. ^_^

Your assertion that he's self-aware of the HP series is quite funny (absurdly funny but I think that was the point).

Babies and algebra defeat a lot of people - not all of them dark lords. ^_^

I really like how off-the-cuff you've made Barty. He's trying to be Moody but seems a bit crazy (which probably fits into the Moody shoes quite well).

Dumbledore is hilarious and slightly off his rocker. Awesome job!

Barty's obsession with being on a cooking show and his continued rejection were all quite funny. I got a kick out of his quiche idea (and flop). You did a great job keeping the story quick and snappy while throwing him great humorous moments. ^_^

Author's Response: Hi! Haha, thank you. I have no idea where that came from, to be honest! And you're absolutely right - you don't have to be a dark lord for babies and algebra to be intimidating, lol. I'm so glad you liked the story - thanks for reading and for your lovely review!!

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Review #22, by quixotic once more, with quiche.

4th October 2013:
I'm here with a review, at last!

How do you do it? The humor never fails to make me fall off my chair! I should have given you Barty Crouch Jr. as the Death Eater for you to write about!

I was scrolling down your stories and stopped when I saw a your cover for this one. I knew just by looking at it that I had to click it. This one made my day.

It's hilarious. Really, there is nothing else better to say. You just made one of the serious moments of GoF into a comedy. I cried tears of laughter imagining Colin Creevey making a fettucine. In fact, some of these dishes were so exotic that I had to look them up.

Just when I think the fun is over, you throw in those subtle jabs about Hogwarts', ahem, inadequate security and dangerous things it organizes for fun. I loved the bit about time turners as well :)

The icing on the cake (for need of a food related phrase) was your ending. Barty staring into the depths of the Dementor and seeing...a math problem. I empathize with you Barty, you should really consider yourself lucky that Hogwarts does not make quadratics mandatory, let alone calculus. Think of all the poor muggles who struggle with it on a regular basis.

Author's Response: Hi there! Omg I had totally forgotten about the challenge reviews so this was like the greatest surprise to wake up to this morning.

Thank you, I'm so glad you enjoyed it! Haha, I don't know if I could legitimately have submitted something like this to the Death Eater challenge, it's a little out there! Yeah, I had a little too much fun making that banner. That picture of Barty Crouch Jr was just too good to ignore, especially with a story about food!

ICING ON THE CAKE. You win for that! I laughed when I read that. I'm so happy that you liked the story - as you can imagine, I had a blast writing it. Thank you so much for your lovely review!!

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Review #23, by bri_5_stars once more, with quiche.

1st October 2013:
I kind of love Barty Jr.s fixation with food and cooking. A tad of the humor seemed a bit forced. But making the kids start cooking under the imperious curse was pretty funny, and I liked the Doctor Who reference. And the algebra if I were a dark wizard, I agree that would be my undoing, lol. :D
brithewriter from the challenge, I'll be posting results soon, good luck.

Author's Response: Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed reading about Barty Crouch the chef. And maths would destroy me too! I'm sorry if the humour seemed forced - I must have been sleep deprived when I wrote part of it in the airport. :p Anyway, thanks so much for setting the challenge, I really enjoyed participating!

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Review #24, by likeness_of_a_seabird once more, with quiche.

29th September 2013:
So that's what underneath Dementors' hoods! Makes them seem even scarier than before :)

I love the mental images this work brings: BC Jr in a kitchen, learning to cook, with terrified Winky hovering in the background, him Imperiusing students to make him lunch (and then, when he has to actually teach them something, him pouting that he didn't even get a lunch out of it), Sherri Sue Riddle and her portable fan and Professor Sprout using carnivorous plants to spy on the government. I especially love the scene with Dumbledore and the one in the cemetery - I can just imagine Voldemort smacking his forehead when BC Jr fails to deliver Harry Potter and has to reschedule because he was distracted by the scent of bacon!

You definitely have a way with words. There are several cleverly worded and very amusing lines, such as BC Jr telling the third-years that babies and algebra will save the wizarding world from the Dark Lord and saving a certain Muggle author from writing 2,500 pages more by killing Harry Potter. These lines are the highlight of this work and are what makes it so funny (besides the fact that I love the mental image of BC Jr walking around with his nose buried in a cook book). I'm still debating with myself whether or not the story could have used more scenes of BC with foods of different kinds; on the one hand, it could have made the story longer and even more amusing (perhaps it could have been expanded to a short story), but one the other hand, it might have become too repetitive and too long. I believe that extensive lengthiness can ruin an otherwise good humour fic if the author does not use enough variation in how the humour is expressed. This was not the case here, however, so perhaps it is for the best the story ended when it did. But if you do think of a way to continue this, I would not object to reading more about BC Jr's forays in to the world of food and cooking ;)

Long story short, I really enjoyed reading this. My Sunday afternoon would have been dreadfully boring without this!

Author's Response: Right? I'd be pretty terrified of that too. :p

Thank you so much! I'm really glad you liked the story. I agree, it's a pretty goofy mental image to think about Barty Crouch Jr being really into cooking haha. And yes, Professor Sprout - I was always sure there was something suspicious about her. It seemed to fit :p

I'm definitely keeping this as a one-shot, but I really appreciate that you wished it were longer, I'm happy to hear that you enjoyed the story :) Thank you for reading and for your wonderful review! ♥

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Review #25, by BookDinosaur once more, with quiche.

19th September 2013:
HI AGAIN KRISTIN! I've basically started reviewing all the stories on your page now, because I'm in a reviewing mood and the reviews I owe you are way overdue. And after this maybe I can go onto Sian's AP. Maybe. Anyway.

Kristin, this piece had me laughing like a loon and getting odd looks from everybody who saw me. I reiterate, you are a master of the parody genre. I loved the similies you used to describe how Dumbledore's eye twinkled, and how Barty Crouch was trying to save the world and didn't believe it was his 'true calling'. You had me in stitches the whole way through reading this, and I just love this one-shot.

Your characterisation of Barty Crouch was amazing, he had this sort of arrogant air about him tht reminded me of Gilderoy Lockhart from your other one-shot. :P And Sherrie Sue Riddle with her mini-fan! Oh my god, I was seriously giggling like a loser when you introduced her! And when Barty forced his students to cook for him, that was hilarious! I think I'm going to die of laughter. 'Sherrie Sue Riddle’s hair blew even more dramatically, creating a wind tunnel around the whole Quidditch field, which shortly became a cyclone.' Oh. My. God. That is amazing! I think that line was my favourite, just because of the sheer ridiculousness of it.

And ahaha, him screaming and fainting at the sight of a quadratic equation! Oh my god, I think I just died. The only small mistake I could see was that you said 'b2' when I'm pretty sure its meant to be '2b'.

Okay, so before I start squeeing again, I just want to tell you that this was absolutely amazing and I loved reading it, Kristin. :)

Author's Response: You are so awesome.

I'm so glad you liked it :D Haha, my favourite part was those lines about Dumbledore's eyes, actually! I see eye twinkling all the time in fanfiction (my own included) so I just had to step it up a notch for this :P

It's funny, I didn't actually intend Barty Crouch to be so arrogant, but you're the second person to point that out, and I definitely see it now that you've mentioned it. I guess parody just suits arrogant characters better! And thanks, I'm glad you liked Sherrie Sue Riddle. Every story needs a perfect character like her. :P

Oh yeah.. that "b2" is supposed to be "b squared" but I'm not sure how to type that in!

Once again thanks so much for your wonderful reviews!

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