Reading Reviews for Effortlessly Dead
  
9 Reviews Found

Review #1, by StarlightAsteria Death Comes Calling

8th August 2014:
Hi!

A really intriguing beginning chapter!

I liked the extended cat/mouse metaphor - you handled it really well and it was a dramatic way of writing the assassination scene.

I also think your naming of characters is spot on - Galen especially, and he is a really interesting, rounded character. I liked his sardonic sense of humour, including how he and Rosie talk to corpses.

Well done - a really fantastic beginning :)

Celi :)

Author's Response: Thanks for reading and reviewing! Glad to hear you liked it!

The cat and mouse metaphor has proven surprisingly popular - I never thought that might happen when I added it.

Galen is one of my favourite characters, he's fun to write about. I usually have trouble deciding what to name my characters, but Galen is an exception because his name felt right from the beginning. I'm happy to hear you found him interesting!

Thanks again!


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Review #2, by writeyourheartout In the Nest of Shrikes

29th January 2014:
Hi again, likeness_of_a_seabird! I'm finally back with another review, and I'm so happy to have gotten the chance to reread this chapter! It's just phenomenal.

First, though, after having read your previous review response, I just have to bring this up: English isn't your first language?! Are you kidding me?! Wow. I'm blown away. You've honestly got just an incredibly grasp on the English language and I'm so impressed that writing of this caliber comes from somebody who didn't have it as a first language. You should be doubly proud of your work, in that case. I know I am! Just... wow!

All of your characters are still just so great; and now there are even more of them to love! Menna is fantastic. I love delving deeper into her and discovering who she is outside of the job. She's very intense and stubborn and strong-willed and not easily shaken, but she takes her job with extreme seriousness so that making a slip is detrimental (which makes sense considering what a slip up in her particular profession could mean). She has a lot of pride in her work and doing it well, which is so absurd seeing as she's an assassin... hehehe But it's great, she's very complex and I'm really loving her development! The whole family you built is very clear as well, though, and the relations between them, their dynamics, are so authentic. Ifan was great fun to be introduced to. He's a bit wary to pick fights or start trouble when it truly isn't necessary, but when something goes wrong, he takes his stand and doesn't allow her to bully him at all; it's great to see a character who only takes a stand when it's necessary, and not simply for drama. I love his and Menna's relationship as well; how he does his best to appease her simply because she's as stubborn and relentless as she is, and how even in their casual exchanges, like when she says, "Make sure you don't burn my eggs," she's still got that attitude about her. Rhian is great as well. I love the command she has garnered through her age and experience and how she can shut an argument down with just a few words gently spoken.

It's a very serious subject matter with a lot of drama and angst and suspense, but I love that even with all of that going on, you still managed a few moments of light humor, like the thing with the cat! You've got a great balance going on that keeps me intrigued without feeling tired or drained by the end of the chapter and instead wishing there were more to read!

I really loved this line: "If nature had wanted magic to be the solution to everything, he reasoned, it wouldn't have given them hands." It sounds like something you might find in a book of wisdom and proverbs for Wizarding folk.

The second section of this story with Harry and Ron is fantastic as well. It's great to see that your exceptional grasp on characters and characterization extends past OC's and reaches those in canon too. As fantastically written as Harry and Ron both are, however, the stand-out to me in this bottom half is Bea! My goodness, you have a way with crafting OC's that just paints a picture of exactly who they are without dragging it out or making it feel too explainy or boring. You created this image of who Bea is in just one paragraph and filled the rest in with her dialogue and Harry's thoughts on her. It's just wonderful.

The final section was a perfect way to end the chapter. Seriously, I am so intrigued due to the first glimpse at the magpies! The son of the last known Magpie is also so alluring and I can't help but wonder who it might be! My only potential guess is the morgue guy (who's name slips my memory at the moment), but I really don't know! I'm just excited to find out! Also, I simply adore how you tied in both the shrikes and the magpies style of warfare with their clan names; so very clever!

Here are just a few minor things!:

"Mornings where (were) hardly Ifan Goodwin's favourite time of the day."

"I take (it) everything went well?"

"And that's how we like it", Ifan replied as he took a seat across the table from her. "No extra fuss and nothing", he looked at the *other (or rather, the back of her book) sternly, "to tie it back to us." - *I'm a little confused here about the 'he looked at the other...' bit - the other what?

"She sounded close to tears, but Ifan thought (it) was just him hearing things."

"Besides, hadn't he himself been a long time ago in almost (the) exact same position as she was now?"

"Gawain Robards, the head of the Aurors, had decided to sent (send, not sent) someone more qualified with dealing dangerous curses."

"The victim's neck artillery (artery, not artillery) was severed and he consequently bled to death." - I would consider maybe using the technical term for the artery in the neck (carotid artery) rather than saying 'neck artery' considering it's a briefing; it sounds more professional, but that's simply my opinion! ^.^

"Had Aled not been born when he did (was, not did), she might have repeated her father's every mistake with Ifan."

"This was why Rhian knew that Aled was not merely concerned (with) his mother's health; he had come to talk about Menna."

I know you commented on this already in my last review, but I figured I'd point it out again just in case: Comma's and punctuation in general go inside of quotations. (Obviously, since it's different in your country, it makes complete sense why you wrote it this way, though! I'm still in complete and total awe of you.)

And that's everything! What a truly fantastic second chapter! I really cannot wait to see where you take this next! Your ideas and characters are so original and so well thought out that you've captured my interest so intensely! I hope chapter three is on the horizon because I'd love to see where this goes next! It's a fantastic story, it really is. Yay! ^.^

Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review! It means so much to me to know that people enjoy reading this story!

I do study English in a university, so that explains my knowledge about the language:)

First of all, thank you for pointing out the mistakes to me. I try to proofread the story the best I can before sending it to the queu but something always escapes me. I intend to edit these chapters according to your suggestions as soon as I progress a little further in the story.

You have grasped Menna and Ifan's characters so well. That's good! It means that I've done my job well! They are both very complex characters and not the easiest to write. They tend to have minds of their own:) I'm glad to hear that you like the OCs. I was worried about how people would react to them but so far the reception has been good.

I'm also happy to hear that you like my portrayal of Harry and Ron. I was a bit worried about if they were in in character and it's a relief to hear that they were. Yes, Bea is great, isn't she? Hopefully she can get more appearances in the future.

As for the magpie... Who can say? *smiles mysteriously* All I'm saying that it's not the person you're probably thinking about. More about the magpies coming in the next chapter!

Again, thank you so much for this review! It really made my day! Now I really must get the next chapter written soon!


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Review #3, by Aphoride Death Comes Calling

16th January 2014:
Hey there! I'm so so sorry it took me so long to get to this - it's a bit ridiculous, tbh - but I've been incredibly busy with RL, exams and essays and then holidays minus internet connection, so it's been a while! Anyway I'm here now! :)

First off, I have to say that I love your premise! I love the idea of a family of wizards who are trained killers and take hits for a living. Since it happened in the muggle world, it's incredibly likely it happened in theirs, you know? So yeah, I love the idea that they've been in hiding as well - helps make them more mysterious and build it up ;)

Your writing is so clean and clear, as well. It's so easy to read and you have such a lovely style. It's really, really great! You asked me about brit-picking, but, seriously, I couldn't find anything in here. No non-Brit terms for things, nothing at all - and I did look! ;) Grammar and spelling and everything was brilliant as well!

On top of that, I really like your characters so far. Obviously, we haven't seen all that much of them so far, apart from perhaps Galen, but you've given me enough to make me curious. I love how they're all so different, despite working in a morgue - like Galen seems so relaxed around the dead, and how you mentioned that Rosie (Weasley?) screamed when she saw the 'floater', and how Mac is the man in charge but always smiling... it's really, really great basis for the rest of it and they seem so real already!

A quick note - I loved the lingo you used as well. The way you said 'floater' and things. It really gave me the impression of a group of people who sort of mainly stuck around together and came up with abbreviations and things of their own.

The beginning, as well, was so great. I liked how you didn't show us the actual murder itself, or tell us why or who it was, so that we find all that out later. The analogous use of the cat and mouse was brilliant too - I loved how you segued so neatly from one to the other, and used both to show us a glimpse of the killer, as it were.

Speaking of the killer, I liked how you made the mention of what her grandfather had told her, and then had her refuse to thing about sentimentality and just sort of ignore sentimental ideas. It was a lovely, human touch to give her.

I'm really curious about this story! I love the idea of an assassin family, and them coming above ground again, so to speak, and I'm so curious to know what happens, who they kill, what their motives are (if any), and, well, just about everything!

This was a really, really great start! Feel free to re-request! :)

Aph xx

Author's Response: Thank you for your lovely review! Don't worry about it taking so long - I totally understand that real life can be very demanding!

Despite being such a last minute addition, the beginning seems to be very popular among the readers, which makes me very glad! I'm happy that you liked it as well.

I'm relieved to hear that there were no non-Brit terms. I'm used to writing all my essays and other school papers in American English but since this story (and the whole world of Harry Potter) is situated in Britain, using British English made more sense. I was worried, however, that I had accidentally used American terms.

I'm also glad to hear that you liked the characters even though they were featured so briefly. They are a very interesting group and I'm hoping I get to portray their group mechanism more in the future. I'm also happy to hear that the lingo worked! As someone who uses lingo in her daily life (although a very different kind of lingo:)), I know people can get annoyed with it when they don't understand it.

Ah, the killer. She's lots of fun to write about. Glad to hear she came across as humane, even if it's only a fraction.

Thank you again for reviewing! I might re-request sometime in the near future!


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Review #4, by MrsJaydeMalfoy In the Nest of Shrikes

6th January 2014:
Another amazing, intriguing and interesting chapter, dear! You really are very talented!

I really liked that we get to see all different angles of the story in this chapter. We've already seen the medical examiner's side, and now we got to see Harry and Ron's story, and the Shrikes' side as well, and even know their names! Talk about dramatic irony! :P

I know it probably sounds terrible, but I was really starting to feel bad for Menna... she seemed so upset, and everyone was coming down on her kind of harsh. But it just goes to show how incredible of a writer you are that you were able to make me sympathize with the murderer! :)

I think the "Magpie" issue is going to turn out to be quite interesting, as well! I can't wait to see what happens next! Please update soon!

Well done, dear!

Author's Response: Thank you again!

Glad to hear that the changing POVs worked. I felt that there was simply too much to be told from only one perspective, so I decided to switch the POVs from one person to another. I think there are only going to be four or five main POVs, though.

I wonder how you feel about her when she shows her nastier side... Menna was actually the first character to be created, so I'm rather fond of her. Glad to hear that she evokes even a little symphathy, however dubious her actions may be!

Magpie makes an appearance in the next chapter! Hopefully I'll be able to live up to your expectations!


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Review #5, by MrsJaydeMalfoy Death Comes Calling

6th January 2014:
Hi there dear! First off, Congratulations on winning Hufflepuff Featured Story!! :D And now, on to the review!

First off, I can not BELIEVE that this story only has 4 reviews! This is AMAZING!! Your writing is so clear and fluid, and your description is incredible! There's so much suspense; I was on the edge of my seat the entire time, even at the beginning!

You've already got an excellent story line going here, and this is just the first chapter! Already you've given us a ton of information about Galen and his co-workers, as well as about the Shrikes... I seriously can't wait to see what happens next!

GREAT chapter, dear! 10/10!

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review! I'm so glad you liked it!

I'm also glad you liked the description. I always think "less is more" when it comes to describing things, but sometimes I fear I give too little description. Glad to know it works here!

Hopefully I'll have the next chapter up soon! Thank you again for your lovely review!


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Review #6, by Secret Santa 2013 Death Comes Calling

24th December 2013:
Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas, likeness_of_a_seabird! It is I, your Secret Santa, here to deliver a very special first review for you! :-D

So wow! This was such a great start! Really, the entire chapter was just fantastic throughout; you're extremely talented! I can tell already that this story is going to become a pretty epic adventure, one that I now plan to follow (after I reveal myself, of course)! You do a phenomenal job at building up the suspense right from the top. The very first line is immediately gripping and intriguing and I love that it doubled as a metaphor for the girl hunting her own human prey. Very cleverly written!

The descriptions, during the first half in particular, were just great for this type of story; they added to that beautiful tension you're building. With every line I wanted to know more about what was going to happen and what you have prepared for us plot-wise.

This line here is what really set a whole new level of tone for this story: "Typical prey behaviour, she thought to herself." Everything switched from the actual cat hunting a mouse to a person in the mindset to hunt another person. Perfect.

I'm so intrigued by that memory of the conversation with her uncle! Like, I really want to know what's up with her whole family! Why is she being taught how to be a good predator? What is their family business? And more importantly: Why?? It's wonderful that you've got me asking all of these questions, because I have to know now! I have to come back to this story each time it's updated! I love that!

The second half is just as great. I really love your OC, Galen! He feels very real to me and I particularly enjoyed the way he handles his job; the funny quips with his dead companions, his thought processes on his mother, sister, and Rosie, and the his interactions with her and Mac. In fact, I really like all of your OC's thus far! You've done a great job at making each of them distinct and original and intriguing/likable. I want to know more about them all!

Learning about the Shrikes was really cool! It's so awesome to now have a basic understanding of what the story as a whole is going to be focused around and I can't wait for you to expand on all of it with more chapters! And I really like how the Auror's will be brought in on this! In the story's description it has Ron and Harry as characters, so it will be cool to have them playing parts in your plot as well! I'm honestly very excited about the entire story!

I did notice just a few small grammatical things, so I thought I'd point them out quick while I'm here:

"...few people had bothered to leave the comforts of their homes in (on, not in) such a night."

"To him, the place had such a tranquil atmosphere, one that he was almost afraid he'd shatter with merely by talking." - The end of this sentence is just a little wonky! '...he'd shatter with merely by talking' isn't quite right. I think if you just removed the word 'with' you'd be set! Or you could phrase it '...he'd shatter with a mere word.' I don't know, something along those lines. haha

"Or is it one of those things that only women - especially those getting married - would care (about)?""

"She trailed of (off, not of) as Mac shook his head. "No Muggle could have done this", (this comma should be on the inside of the quotes) he said darkly." - And you do the comma-after-a-quote thing again here: ""Look at this", Mac said and moved the white cloth back to uncover the body." - Actually, I've seen it a few other times as well, so just in general, make sure comma's are on the inside of a quote! Example:

"Look at this," Mac said.

Does that make sense?

And that's it! The writing overall is just wonderful! You do suspense and tension extremely well and I'm just in love with the plot set-up so far! The whole thing is so intriguing and I can't wait to get to chapter two! I just want to let you know first, though, that the rest of my reviews will be coming after Christmas and after I've revealed myself, if that's all right! But I have every intention of getting to each of your stories/chapters! Yay!

Well likeness_of_a_seabird, I just want to wish you a very Merry Christmas! I hope you enjoy all of your gifts! :-D
xSanta

Author's Response: Thank you so much for your lovely review! So sorry it took me so long to answer it!

First of all, I would like to thank you for pointing out my grammatical mistakes. As you've probably guessed, English is not my native languages and although I think I'm reasonably competent in it, there are always things I miss when proofreading or, alternatively, don't even think to check. The comma-inside-the-quotes thing is one of them. In Finnish, you always place the comma after the quotes, so I instictively applied it here as well. I'll make sure to correct it in the future.

Secondly, I'm so glad that you liked this and the tone and the mood I was aiming for came through! Hopefully I can live up to your expectations (I'm a little nervous now...) The cat-and-mouse thing was a bit of a last minute addition, but I'm glad I added it, since two people now have expressed their liking for it.

Harry and Ron will be playing an fairly important role in this story, so they'll be appearing in the future quite often. Galen also has an important role to play so keep an eye on him (and remember his fascination with death). Adding OCs to the story is always a bit of a risky business but they seem to be well received, so that's good.

Again, thank you so much for your lovely review (and the signature set and the nomination for January's featured story in the Hufflepuff common room!). I'm looking forward to your reviews in the future!


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Review #7, by Cannons Death Comes Calling

2nd November 2013:
hey, here with your requested review, sorry it took so long!

Anyway I think you have made a really solid start to this story, I liked the way you started with the cat and mouse thing going on. It really gave it that suspense from the start.

It seems as if it is going to be quite a dark story just from the first chapter, and it was certainly intense and intriguing so you have done a good job with the beginning!

There are lots of ways this could go and it will be cool to read on.

Cannons

Author's Response: Thank you for you review! The beginning with the cat and mouse was sort of a last minute addition, but I'm glad it worked. Also happy that the mood I was aiming for showed.

Again, thank you for taking the time to read and review!


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Review #8, by shez In the Nest of Shrikes

26th October 2013:
I really like the premise of this story. There's a very chilly feel to it and your writing is spectacular. I hope you continue it :)

Author's Response: Aww, thanks! I'm really glad you liked it! I'm happy that the mood I was aiming for shows. As for the continuation, next chapter should be up sometime in November.

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Review #9, by lindslo2012 Death Comes Calling

2nd October 2013:
Wow.. that was intense!! I really enjoyed it!!! What's going to happen next? I can't wait to find out :D

10/10

Author's Response: Thank you very much for your review! I'm glad you enjoyed it and hopefully I have the next chapter out some time this month :)

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