Reading Reviews for A Sirius Love Affair
  
9 Reviews Found

Review #1, by archer_of_the_wolves Magic Tricks

25th November 2013:
I'm really glad I stumbled upon this story, it was really good! James's and Lily's story and also Sirius being framed is always the most heartbreaking for me to read. I came sooo close to crying, especially during chapter 6 and only refrained because my roommate is in the same room and would think I'm weird haha. Wow, just amazing!
10/10!

Author's Response: Thank you! This is my favorite so far. I'm glad you liked it! It's always nice to hear good things

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Review #2, by nott theodore The Mysteries of Magic

6th October 2013:
Hi, I'm here for your requested review! I know you actually asked me to read and review chapter seven, but since I'm really busy at the moment I don't have time to read through seven chapters of a story without them being requested individually, I'm afraid. So I'm going to start from the beginning, and if you find this review helpful then you can re-request :)

First of all, I like the fact that your Sirius/OC story starts once the Marauders have finished Hogwarts, because it's not something that's often done in fanfiction and it's a nice change to read about them tackling the world outside of school.

I think you've done a good job on characterisation here as well, especially with Sirius. I've always seen him as a character who acts before he thinks, even with a war going on, and that was reflected in the way that he performed magic in front of Maggy without thinking about what the consequences might be. You also managed to include the side that doesn't care about the rules very much - he doesn't seem at all bothered about receiving a warning from the Ministry. Remus, on the other hand, thinks about the consequences and his reaction to Sirius's news is a great contrast to the his friend. I really like the way you've kept the two of them consistent with their canon characters.

Another aspect I think you did well was the dialogue, because it seems to flow quite naturally and seems believable, especially between Maggy and Sirius in the shop - once they finally talk.

One thing that you need to watch out for is spelling, as you have a couple of typos. Sometimes it might help to get a beta, but I'll point a couple of them out for you now:
"to drunk people who tried to aparate" - apparate
"Maggy's Magical Minagerie" - Menagerie
" the Ministry know you preformed magic" - performed
" It was hot in the summer, drafty in fall" - this one is a Brit-pick, because instead of 'fall' we use 'autumn' here.

There was also one moment when you seemed to slip into first person - "Man my knees are starting to hurt...". This doesn't fit since the rest of the chapter is written in third person, so you could say his knees instead to keep things consistent.

I think that one of my favourite parts of this story was Maggy's character. To tidy things up a little I'd consider putting Maggy's POV at the beginning and then Sirius's at the end so they're not broken up, or perhaps even stating that you're switching POV. I really like the fact that Maggy didn't immediately fall for Sirius's 'charms' as a lot of fanfiction characters seem to, and I think reading from her POV really helped to convey that fact. She doesn't seem the sort of girl to drop at his feet, and I think she'll be good for him. I especially liked her observations as he stumbled into her shop, first thinking he's drunk or homeless, then thinking he's stealing from her or that he's crazy. I hadn't thought about it much, but I think someone who acts the way Sirius does around Muggle magic would definitely seem like they're a bit strange!

I think you've got a good start to the story here, and again, sorry that I don't have time to review all the chapters at once. Feel free to re-request, and I hope you found this helpful!

Sian :)

Author's Response: Thank you! I'll probably be requesting more reviews, and thanks for the britpick! I've been thinking about getting a beta reader to brit prick before I post, but I'm not really sure how to go about doing it. The first person sliP was actually supposed to be italicized. I must've forgotten to copy over the formatting. *oops* +] I'm glad you liked it overall, character building is really what I focus on. I'll agonize over one sentence just to make sure I get the right connotation. +]

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Review #3, by marauderfan Magic Tricks

4th October 2013:
Hi there! I'm here with your review (and an apology for the delay!)

Before I begin, I wanted to clarify something - you requested chapter 7, which I gladly read, although I haven't read the preceding chapters. I read one chapter per request (that's just to be fair to all requesters) although now I realise I didn't actually say that in my thread rules, so, my fault if you were expecting more reviews! Anyway, if you want reviews on the other chapters, absolutely feel free to re-request.

Ok now to the point! The action sequence. I think you did very well with it. Sometimes it's hard to balance the amount of description and action so that readers don't get confused or bored, but you've managed that balance really nicely.

But there are a few things I can see room for improvement. Since it's an action scene, I recommend using active voice as much as possible, which makes your writing more vivid and, well, active! So here: Sirius shouted back, a red blaze burning through the night as a curse went hurtling towards the man.
The way it's worded, it's kind of hard to tell who sent the curse. I assume it's Sirius (right?) so it could be stronger to say: "Sirius shouted back, blazing a fiery red curse through the night towards Peter."

Another passage that caught my attention was this: those watching became even more alarmed. Some of them began making their way towards the scene
This is the first time you've mentioned that there are people watching, or even other people in the street besides Maggy and Peter. The addition of maybe one sentence a little earlier on should help, saying something about the commotion was beginning to draw a crowd.

The last thing I wanted to comment on was Sirius' repeated transformations into his Animagus form. The first time - when he tracked and chased Peter then turned back into a human without knowing it - was really good, and it adds to the story. The second time didn't really seem to be necessary, or make as much sense - Peter was still carrying on a conversation with him. Did the Muggles see it and get confused? And it kind of seemed to make the fight take longer. So personally, I think it would flow better if Sirius remained a human after that first transformation. (Bear in mind, though, that you are the author of course, and if you think Sirius should transform twice, then he will! These are just my suggestions and feel free to use them or discard them as you see fit.)

Finally, this isn't about the action sequence, but a Brit-pick: you said "gasoline" at one point, which should be petrol.

I know I've sounded rather picky in this review :-/ But I hope it helps you get the action sequence how you want it!

Before I finish, I just wanted to mention that I like the ending. (Well, I don't like it in that Sirius went to Azkaban and all, but I like the way you wrote it.) And the way he repeats "Would you like to see a magic trick" reminded me of the Joker in the Dark Knight :p You can tell he's lost it as the Aurors drag him off. The loss of Maggy is an additional layer to the canon we know - further reasons why Sirius was laughing so madly as he was being arrested, so that's a nice touch.

Overall, my CC aside, you did really well on this chapter, and it was a great read! Nice job!

Author's Response: Finally!!! For some reason it wouldn't let me post a reply until I got another review!! Yes, I did request chapter 7, and I'm not expecting more. Thank you for the active voice comment, it's something that I struggle with a lot. Normally before i post I have go through and watch my syntax to make sure the flow is well, and I'll add looking for active voice in my editing process. I'm glad you liked it overall, and I do need to find a brit-picker, I just hand't thought of that. +] Oh! The "Would you like to see a magic trick" is in reference to the first line of the story. The first thing he says to maggy is "Excuse me miss, would you like to see a magic trick" so, yeah... I was going for the feels. Thank you so much, you've helped a lot. Sorry it took so long for me to respond.

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Review #4, by marauderfan The Mysteries of Magic

16th September 2013:
Hi there! I'm here with your requested review!

I like the idea of a Sirius/OC set after Hogwarts - you don't see many of those, so that makes this more original! I think you did pretty well writing Sirius and Remus too - you've definitely expressed Sirius's recklessness at a good contrast to Remus's practicality.

I did kind of wonder how the Ministry knew Sirius had performed magic in front of a Muggle, though - I thought they only did that for people who had the Trace on them?

You asked about the flow and consistency. In general, I think these are both done well. I think it would flow better from one POV though - it switches from Sirius to Maggy and then back to Sirius again, which is a bit jumpy because it covers one interaction twice. I get why you did it though - I like the opportunity to see from her POV, particularly how she thinks he dresses weirdly, as most Muggles think about wizards! So in terms of flow, I personally think one POV switch would work better (though, of course, it's your story so you go ahead and do what you like!)

What I mean is that you could start with Maggy's POV, and then the rest from Sirius's. And as for the repetition of the one part - to avoid repeating, maybe you could do a different interaction rather than the same one twice. (But honestly, what you have works too and I like it!)

Hope that helps! You've got a great start for your story here, keep up the good work.

Author's Response: Thanks! I do think that is the only time I'll cover the same situation from different points of view, I really just couldn't resist giving an inside glimpse to Maggy's mind about the day they officially met. The Remus conversation was so difficult! haha. But I'm glad it turned out well. Thanks for the review! I'll probably need more help in ch. 7, so I may be coming back to you! +]

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Review #5, by AlexFan Partners in Crime

15th September 2013:
Oh my goodness this was so sweet! I can't handle the fluff, I really can't. I just want to grab a stuffed animal and hug them as tightly as I possibly can.

I just can't write anything other than a review full of squeeing in it (how great am I at giving critique huh?)

I like the dynamic between James and Lily, you can really tell that they're made for each other by the way that they know what to do around each other and what the other needs.

I could just imagine Lily walking into Maggie's shop with Harry in her arms and him looking around in wonder and that's around the time when I started melting into a puddle of goo on the floor.

That ending though with James pressed up against the window and the "Partners? Are you kidding me? That's so lame!" made me giggle though because I could totally see it happening. If anything, James sounded so disappointed in Sirius, like he expected more from his best friend and this was the least smooth thing that he could've done.

The only thing that I can point out that I would suggest working on is slowing down the romance. It seems that Maggy and Sirius have only started to get to know each other and they're already 'coo coo,' for one another. Maggy even mentioned that she doesn't know anything about his family and, personally, I would think Sirius would tell her a little bit about his family before something like this happened.

Other than that though, this was my favourite chapter so far.
-Grace

Author's Response: I know what you mean. I was writing under a time constraint (a friends birthday) So in the beginning I was rushing to get things finished. I suppose my only excuse is that Sirius has been infatuated with Maggy for about a month now, 2 weeks of stalking her, and 2 trying to court her. Maybe the time lapse is a bit under-played? Idk. Still trying to make her hesitant on trusting completely to try and make it more believable. I hope that you keep reading! I'll definitly be looking for critque in ch. 7 (soon as I can get it validated) because there's a scene I just can't get right.

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Review #6, by AlexFan A Rat in the Order

15th September 2013:
So I'm not exactly sure how to write this review because I'm not sure how to word everything but I can guarantee that it's going to be a rather short review, that's for sure.

So the thing that stood out to me the most was that this entire chapter was basically all dialogue. There's nothing necessarily wrong with that it's just that there was a lack of description that really kept me from getting into the story. I didn't feel like I was in the story, I just felt like I was reading it (I'm not sure if that's making sense or not).

James' worrying about Remus is perfectly understandable, if I was in his situation I'd be a little suspicious of Remus as well, best friend or not.

My favourite line so far has to be “There’s a rat in the Order.” because it's so very accurate. Peter is the rat in the Order figuratively and literally. The only part that James and Sirius don't know is the figurative part of that.

As for everything being smooth and and easy to follow, you haven't got anything to worry about there. I can follow the story without any problems so far.
-Grace

Author's Response: I was so worked up in getting the character development right, I neglected my adjectives! Thanks for bringing that up. +] I'm glad that things aren't too choppy. Sometimes only half of what's in my head makes it onto the screen. I normally hate puns, but for some reason this thing is full of them! A Sirius love affair, a rat in the order... Oh well. Glad you enjoyed it!

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Review #7, by AlexFan The Mysteries of Magic

15th September 2013:
I haven't read a story that was centered around Sirius outside of Hogwarts (requested or not) so this was new for me. It took me a little bit to figure out that Sirius wasn't on vacation and had indeed graduated from Hogwarts.

The Harry spitting up on James part had given it away.

But anyway, I like where this is going. Maggy seems to be an interesting character and everything going on between her and Sirius is a little bit weird but cute. I'd never really pegged Sirius Black, of all people, as a weird flirter.

I've got to admit though, he's working it pretty well.

I liked how Maggy wasn't immediately taken with his good looks like most girls are and instead of thinking how attractive he was she was more focused on the fact that he dressed weird and that he was sloppy.

I noticed though was that you switched form third person point of view to first person point of view at random times which really threw me off a little bit because I wasn't expecting it so that's something that you might want to look out for.

I'm also wondering as to why Sirius got a note from the Ministry warning him about doing magic in front of a muggle. Sirius is of age and allowed to perform magic outside of Hogwarts. He no longer has the Trace on him so the Ministry can't possibly tell whether he's performing magic in front of a muggle or not.

The ending didn't really answer that question for me so I was hoping that you would clarify that for me (and maybe make it clearer in the story as well so that future readers don't get confused).

Not a bad start though to a story though, I quite like this so far.
-Grace

Author's Response: I thought that Remus said something about someone reporting it, of someone following him, but maybe I didn't make it clear enough. Thanks!

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Review #8, by shotgun_sarcasm The Mysteries of Magic

14th September 2013:
I think this was a very good start to your story. It was engaging and I thought your Sirius and Remus were spot on. I've read a lot of Sirius/OC fics but this seems like one of the more original ones of that category. Well done. I look forward to reading more.

Author's Response: Thank you! I'm glad you like the dialogue and character development. I've got another 4 chapters completed, just waiting on validation! Hope you stay tuned in! +]

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Review #9, by SB A Rat in the Order

10th September 2013:
How has no one reviewed on this yet?! This is absolutely brilliant! I love how sweet this is and how interesting your characters are and it's been a while since I've read a Sirius/OC prehogwarts era story. I can't wait to read more!!

Author's Response: Thank you! The silence was deafening...I was starting to think it was no good! Just fyi, it's finished, just waiting for chapters to be validated! And I requested a graphic for it!

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