Reading Reviews for Suffocate
  
7 Reviews Found

Review #1, by ReeBee --His Changed Heart--

9th January 2014:
Wow! So powerful! Amazingly written! :D Definitely made me tear up! :*(

My favourite was the description! The sorrow was SO evident in your writing! I think you got in George's head perfectly! My heart was like, dying! I got goosebumps! But, the only CC I have is maybe including a bit more description on Ang at the end? It would be a bit better to just go in a bit more detail about how comfortable George felt around Ang, or something along those lines :)

Characterisation was perfect! I think George was perfectly in canon! :D It seems like him to hide his feelings :) I like that touch! And Molly! Wow, you've done really well with canon! :D

Plot flow was fine. But, description in a few places, especially where he apparatus and has to walk to the burrow would show the time passing slow really well. Just simple little things would smoothen flow :)

Anyway, there's not much I have to say. Great job!! :D Thanks for a great review swap!

-ReeBee

Author's Response: Hello!
This is my first time writing actual canon so I'm glad that you find that they are in character. George is the type that would keep it in, in my opinion. Out of the twins, he was the calmer one. And writing Molly was fun but scary since I wasn't sure if I could capture her character right.

Thanks for the suggestions. When I have the time, I may edit this story and when I do, I'll take your thoughts in mind.

Thanks for the great review. And I'm happy that we review swapped. :))

~Sama


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Review #2, by MissesWeasley123 --His Changed Heart--

30th December 2013:
This is precisely why I need to stop reading post war George fics. Emotions every where holy crap. Anyway, I'm here for the 12 Days of Reviewing at the forums!

Your description was flawless, and really effective. I loved it. Your imagery is so awesome, and you manage to put it into words so nicely. I really loved this line, and it was like a punch to my gut. It was so sad:

His heart that now had this aching hole that never shrank, never healed. It only grew bigger and bigger, threatening to tear him apart.

Well that was beautiful. The next couple of lines were written in similar format, and again it was so effective. You made such beautiful images with your little words, and it was beautiful.

There were some dialogue problems, so you might want to go to the Writers Resources section and go to dialogue. I'm sure they have a tutorial of that :)

"You don't, you just learn to accept it and move one." Molly voiced, confidence laced into her words. -- this was so true. It was one of those lines that really hit you, and become a way of living. I think this was one of the greatest things Molly could've said to her son, and I loved it so, so, so much.

Brilliantly done!

Author's Response: Hello!

I am honestly speechless... you have so many kind words in here and I can't begin to express my giddiness while reading this.

I honestly haven't really read any post-war George fics except for maybe one. So when I was writing this, I had absolutely no idea if it would turn out good or if I was going about it right. The idea of writing it just came to me and I went on from there.

Description isn't one of my biggest strengths but I'm happy that you liked them. I'm glad you liked my little words. Sometimes the little ones make the biggest differences, haha.

Molly was fun to write and I tried to make what she said realistic and as meaningful as possible.

I will have to go back and edit this one-shot. I'll probably do that when I have some spare time. Thanks for pointing that out! :D

Overall, thank you for such a fantastic review. It made me really happy and put a smile on my face. :)))

~Sama


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Review #3, by teh tarik --His Changed Heart--

26th September 2013:
Sama! ♥ I'm here for the review exchange. :D

I'm so glad we got paired up this month because I love Weasley twin fics, and I have a particular weakness for post-Hogwarts George-centric fics. And like most most postwar George stories, this one was full of pain and an intense grief. You did a great job exploring George's vulnerable emotional state. His grief and despair was so hard to read, especially since we know what a cheerful, happy-go-lucky person he once was, along with Fred. Some of your lines were incredibly effective in portraying his distraught condition, e.g. Instead of the constant upbeat rhythm it now played like a sad song on repeat, slow and mournful. This line, coupled with the repetition of the sentences beginning with "His heart..." really accentuated that slow, painstaking rhythm of his pulse; it's a reminder that he is alive and Fred isn't, and that being alive for all its good just hurts. It was beautifully and very effectively written.

I love the introduction of Molly, and that sudden yearning for his mother. It was a very lovely change in the sombre tone of the narrative; there was a shift to something quite hopeful, and I really love that the moment George recognises what it is and who it is that he longs for, he instantly stops whatever he's doing and Apparates to the Burrow to visit Molly. There are so few fics which focus on George's relationship with Molly postwar; all too often George shuns his family so he can mourn his twin alone when it would be much more sensible for him to turn to those who love and continually support him. You wrote Molly really, really well. Busy, kind, understanding, maternal and ever so wise, especially when it comes to matters of family and the heart. That moment when they hold each other without saying anything is such an intimate and striking scene, and it's so personal that I as the reader feel as though I'm intruding in on them.

I also love the fact that Molly reminds George about his wife, Angelina. You didn't mention Angelina earlier on in the story, but that was because George was completely absorbed in his own sorrow. It's so fitting, then, that Molly reminds him that he does have a life, that she brings him back to reality and shows him that hope does persist despite all the pain.

And of course, wonderful ending. I think you made the right choice in ending it with dialogue. It's a wee bit more light-hearted and with a lot more hope for George.

Ah, I think I've been rambling! Lovely story, Sama. Great work! I've enjoyed reading this and I hope to see you write more oneshots! :D

-teh

Author's Response: Teh!!
I thought I responded to this but I guess not.
George was a venture, and excited one but one that I didn't no would come out right. Writing grief is never easy, but with George it just came to me. I can never imagine losing a sibling so I guess I just poured that thought out there.

With Molly, I really tried to bring out her motherly side, that maternal instinct. And even though in the books she is usually telling George (and Fred) off, she loves them a lot. I think Fred's death has brought the two of them closer in a way.

Thanks so much for the fantastic, lovely review! This means a million words. And I'm ecstatic that you thought that this one-shot was in a way effective. :D

~Sama


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Review #4, by Fonzzx --His Changed Heart--

21st September 2013:
Tears. Tears and feels. Everywhere.

Author's Response: Who knew five words would be so meaningful!?! Thank you so much! This definitely has made my day better. :)

~Sama


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Review #5, by Aphoride --His Changed Heart--

13th September 2013:
Hey there, stopping by from the Blue and Bronze review battle! It's strange, I've seen you around the forums and TGS so often, but never had a chance to stop by, but here I am! :) Nice to meet you, finally ;)

I have to say that I've never really written George - only really in the background of other scenes, and never in mourning - because he really intimidates me. I just don't think I could do him justice, and you've done this so well. You've stayed so true to his character, and to the twins as a unit, and done so well with the idea of mourning and grief, as well. It's really impressive!

I really love this. It's so bittersweet, you know? He misses Fred, and it hurts, and he doesn't quite know how to really deal with it, and he's trying and it's not quite working, and... gah. It's just so sad! I feel so sorry for him (which isn't a usual feeling for me, lol), and just want to hug him! :(

Molly was perfect too. I love how, even though he's a grown adult, married, with a job and his own business and everything, he still goes to his mum. It's such a sweet little thing, but yet totally understandable, and so realistic. She reacts so well, as well, almost like she kind of guessed he might come along at some point, and he doesn't really need to say anything to her, and then she helps him so easily, without really even trying, and it's so sweet! And a quick George/Angie menion, as well ;) Always a soft spot for those two...

A quick little thing: when he closes the shop up, the sign should be 'CLOSED' rather than 'CLOSE'. It's probably a typo, but I felt I should let you know ;)

Yeah, this is just... gah, so good! There's nothing wrong with it at all, nothing I could find. This is lovely! I'm so glad I stopped by to read it :)

Aph xx

Author's Response: Hello! Yeah, that does happen a lot of the times. I sometimes see people at hpff and tgs too but never get the time to drop a review or say 'hi' to them.

This is first story on George so it was something different but I am glad I tried to write him. He is a character that has a lot of depth - especially after Fred's death.

I am so happy ( I know what a common word I used. I just couldn't think of anything else) that you thought Molly was realistic. I see a lot of stories talking about how he goes to Angelina a lot of the times but I thought he would go to his mom. If it was me, I would definitely gone to my mom. And George/Angie are the best.

Thanks so much for the review! You have showered me with compliments that I don't think I deserve. And your review was so positive. I always love hearing what people think! And I have went back and fixed that typo. ;)

~Sama


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Review #6, by DumbledoresArmyRocks --His Changed Heart--

7th September 2013:
Hey! I just want to start by saying thanks so much for taking part in the Ed Sheeran Song Lyric Challenge.

I really enjoyed this story! I feel you put so much heart and soul into writing it and it wasn't just a short meaningless one shot. I like how you created a backstory using the information JK Rowling provided throughout the Harry Potter Series, and I love the detail you put into the story.(With Fred's emotions and how Molly helps him deal with everything and find his anchor!)This was an amazing start to my challenge entries (as you're the first entry.)

The only thing really is the placement of commas (like the other reviewer said). Everything else was excellent. My favourite part was how you used the quote to create an insight into how George felt after Fred's death, since JK Rowling doesn't really go into that in the deathly hallows. I've never lost a sibling but your story made me feel emotions that I'd definitely be feeling if I lost my sister!
You're an amazing writer and I'd definitely read this story again. Thanks a million!

Author's Response: I take forever to respond, sorry about that.

No need to say thanks. I was happy to enter. And Ed Sheeran is very inspirational.

Hehe, it is nice to be the first entry, I guess. And you have no idea how ecstatic I am to hear that you didn't think this was just a plain old, short, meaningless one-shot.

Commas can be a pain at times. But I did go back and fix most of it.

Sibling loss is something not everyone thinks about and throughout this story I started venturing into the emotions of it. Pretty scary in a way but a new experience.

Thanks for taking the time to read and review. And good luck with the rest of the entries. :D

~Sama


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Review #7, by nott theodore --His Changed Heart--

7th September 2013:
Hi! It's nott theodore here with your requested review.

First of all, I really like the concept of this story, and I think it's a really sweet idea. It always makes me sad to think about George having to deal with Fred's death, so the idea that he is able to go to Molly - however much she's told him off in the past - to be able to comfort him.

In terms of characterisation, I think you did a good job here. Your portrayal of George's grief was realistic, and since this was the main focus of the one-shot, it wouldn't have been appropriate to allow the jokier side of his personality to appear. Molly was great; I think you wrote her character well. Her mothering instincts were evident in this piece, and that's something that needs to be present if you're writing about this situation.

The dialogue was another aspect that you wrote really well. The speech all seems to flow naturally and is consistent with the characters as we see them in canon. You haven't overused it, and I think that actually enhances the piece you have here; some of the most important things here go unsaid because of the silent understanding between George and his mother.

As far as grammar is concerned, the main problem I spotted was with comma placement, as you put them in the wrong places at times. For instance, in this sentence:
"And, they were right since he did seem unchanged."
Here the comma should come after 'right' rather than 'And'. I'd recommend looking through the tutorials in the WR section just to go over them again.
Other than that I spotted a couple of typos, but they would be easily fixed after another read through.

The flow of the story was quite good, although I think it could be improved by adding in a little more detail at certain points. When George is hit by lightning, I would have liked a bit more about what he is feeling physically, and his struggle to get to the Burrow. It's the perfect opportunity enhance your writing by appealing to the senses.

One of my favourite parts of this story was your description, which is really effective. You don't seem afraid to try unusual comparisons and I really like reading pieces that use that. I think that my favourite simile would have to be "Sorrow clung to them like sweat". It's a really evocative image, and if you read into it further then you could say that both the sweat and sorrow are unwanted but inevitable parts of life.

This is a really nice piece of writing and I hope this review was helpful for you.

Sian :)

Author's Response: Hey Sian!

The idea of this one-shot has been bugging me for a month or so and the opportunity to write it arrived when I entered a challenge. I'm happy you think it is a sweet idea.

Portraying George's character wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be but it took some creative thinking. And I want to cry out of joy that you think Molly was is character. She was one of the characters I want to get right in terms of personality and characterization. And I think after the war the bond between her and George became stronger and I wanted to portray that. :)

Commas can be both friends and enemies. I'll have to go back and check through for mistakes. Thanks for pointing in out. And the suggestion for improving the lightning part has got me thinking.

Similes are quite fun to add. I usually try to go with the ones that are both creative and feel right so ... yeah.

Thanks so much for this. And it was helpful, I assure you.

~Sama


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