Reading Reviews for We're All Animals In The End
  
4 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Rumpelstiltskin Kill Of The Night

5th January 2014:
Bear x! I'm back!

I *think* the fifth day involved loving on five stories that didn't have many reviews. It was so many reviews ago.

I know how you feel about editing. I've got to do another editing sweep for Everto, myself (-_- so many typos).

Involving a couple close relatives of Fallon's that are werewolves is a brilliant idea. I can see the connection between her acceptance of them being a large contributing factor to her eventual friendship with the Marauders (assuming that there will be a friendship). With Remus' secret being so vital to him, there may be a pathway for trust given this one element.

...and then the story went in a different direction. You surprised me with that (in a good way)! I wanted to intervene with your characters, and tell them that they were simply misunderstanding each other. Obviously, I can't realistically do that, but I can shout it at the computer screen ;).

Whoa boy, the drama begins! I can't wait to see where you are going to take this.

-Rumpel

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Review #2, by Rumpelstiltskin Starry Eyed

31st December 2013:
Hello there!

I am here for the fifth task of the 12 Days of Reviewing challenge on the forums :)!

I found your use of imagery quite lovely. Your descriptions were well thought-out and very elegant. I loved the first line especially, "Oh the warmth!" For an instance, I thought that this was going to be a poem made-into a story.

Ah, so she's recently ended a relationship. That gives some leeway for some romantic interest between her and a certain Sirius Black. :) Hooray!

This was really enjoyable! I have a couple CCs for you, but they are just minor errors/typos:

1: The dialogue-tag relationship should read as such:

"Speech speech," said character X.

"Speech speech speech!" bellowed character Y.

"Speech?" he/she/it asked.

"Speech speech, speech." Character Y gazed elsewhere.

Just remember not to capitalize the tag or the noun if it is not a proper noun/name following the dialogue. Also, when adding a tag to the dialogue, then use a comma to end the spoken sentence and continue on with the tag, unless, of course, it is a question or an exclamatory remark. If you are not tagging the dialogue, then you should end the spoken sentence in a period (or other appropriate punctuation in relation to the dialogue).

2:Little grammatical errors, such as missing commas and whathaveyou. These minor things can be cleaned up with a reread and an edit. As far as the commas are concerned, try to think where the narration or speech takes a natural pause. Reading the story aloud to yourself greatly assists with commas.

3: A couple of the sentences read a bit rough. Take this sentence for example:

"However at his last word she stopped dead and turned slowly to look the boy straight in the face which was pretty close as she had stopped so suddenly."

Try reading your work aloud before posting it, as it will help clear up some of the jagged edges. You can rework this sentence so that it is much smoother by slowing down the pace via breaking up the sentence into multiple sentences and by using some emotional reactions instead of action:

"At his last word, however, she suddenly stopped. She slowly turned to look into his eyes, fury bubbling its white-hot rage in her stomach. His close proximity startled her for a moment, but she was far too distracted to care. *That* name was special; *he* was no longer worthy of calling her *that*."

Obviously, that is just an example, but it also shows how clearing up sentences can add some juicy meat to your writing :).

I think that you have a fantastic start, here, and I can see some great potential in this story. I hope that you don't take the CCs the wrong way, they are meant to be helpful. I wouldn't be taking the time to edit your story if I didn't think it had some great potential ;).

I will be back for the next chapter...hopefully within the week!!

Fantastic job!

-Rumpel

Author's Response: Hey Rumpel,
Thanks so much for the review! Nothing was taken the wrong way, and I think it's really lovely of you for taking the time to right down your helpful insights. I'm not much of an "edit" kind of girl, it's my least favourite part of writing, I just get so caught up in the ideas in my head and writing them down that I really let that part slide. I will try harder with it though :)
So what was the 5th day of reviewing? I also love your Everto Trucido story.
Cheers
Bear x


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Review #3, by accioronald If You Want Blood (You've Got It)

16th November 2013:
I love this story! when does the next chapter come out?

Author's Response: Thank you sooo much! I'll be posting it tomorrow so it just depends on validation, so some time this week i hope. Thanks for the review :) x

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Review #4, by mischief manage Crazy

2nd October 2013:
this is good i am enjoying it keep writing. dont be discouraged by lack of reviews ;)

Author's Response: thank you so much! That's all I needed to hear:) There's an update on it's way.

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