1 Reviews Found

Review #1, by seekers_destiny Diagon Alley

26th September 2013:
I was surprised that nobody reviewed before now. The story is interesting so far but I do have some suggestions for making it better. Sometimes you have paragraphs that are too long and that makes it harder to read. A good example is the paragraph right after the dream in this chapter.

My other suggestion is that you should slow down the pace a bit. The flashback where Harry and Dudley's relationship changes went too quickly. For one thing Dudley is a 15 year old boy too and he seemed a little too adult in his approach to Harry. He should have been just as uncertain about the conversation as Harry but there was very little of that. You did improve on that by having their relationship develop a little more in this chapter. Harry's decision to make himself better should also be an evolving thing and it seems a little sudden here. One way or another I think you need more text - either bigger chapters that cover the same time period or break it up more and have more than three chapters to get to this point.

I'm not saying that this is a bad story as written but it would be more realistic and even more interesting if there were more detail on how Harry and Dudley develop a friendship and how Harry is improving himself. I liked the part where Harry decided to tease Moody, that was a nice touch.

Author's Response: Thanks for the review as it helps me understand where I'm going wrong. I've not written much before so I kind of go on what comes to me and hope that someone can tell me if I'm doing it right. There are definitely going to be at least 4 more chapters before returning to Hogwarts where I can slow things down a little. I hope to explain Harry and Dudley's relationship a bit more and there will be more info on what Harry is doing to improve. Please keep with the story, updates won't be as often as they have been as back at Uni now but I willnot forget the story!!!

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