Reading Reviews for The Last Keepers Of The Light
  
53 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Yumi Chapter Thirteen

26th January 2014:
This is so amazing! I love the connection between blanc and malfoy! Please please please continue writing!!!

Author's Response: Aw thank you!

I hope to have Chp.14 up soon!!


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Review #2, by maraudertimes Chapter One

19th January 2014:
Hi!
Ooh! This is interesting!

I'm wondering if this girl is in Slytherin, and if so, who exactly her parentage is. I wonder because she obviously knows Crabbe and Draco, and playing Wizard's Chess with a member of another house doesn't seem very... Slytherin-esque. So that's why I think she's in Slytherin!

But then, how is she not 'pure'? So many questions, so little time. I want answers!

Anyways, I'm excited to find out who this girl is, because I don't remember anyone from Harry's year whose last name is Blanc, so I'm excited to see how you integrate her into the HP canon-verse.

"The Holy Grail," well that's original... WHAT IS IT? What did she tell them? I want answers now!

In others news, I really liked how you used description to set the different scenes, and how the narrator was feeling. It was very well written and I commend you on that! :)

Great job, this is a very good start and I think you have the premise and talent to take this really far!
Lo:)

Author's Response: Hi there!

Thanks for agreeing to do the review swap! I';; get writing yours :)

I'm so so glad that you like this because I did have my reservations writing something a little bit too unorthodox, I mean the holy grail may not fit into HP entirely, but I'll try :P

I hope all the further chapters answer all your questions! And trust me, the Holy Grail is complicated in the context of LKTL but I did try to make it as simple as possible.

Thank for the lovely review :)


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Review #3, by TheMarauderChick Chapter One

8th January 2014:
Hello! It's Sankavi/&thereshegoes here for your requested review :)

So let's begin, yeah?

Plot: You start right off the bat making me wonder, who's this girl? Why is she chained up? Did she do something wrong? All these questions are what gets the plot moving. I feel like your pace was really good too, not too fast but also not too slow. You didn't bag us with too much description (which I'll come back to in a bit) and especially that cliffhanger ending ties up this chapter really well for a great start. I can't wait to see what you've got planned plot wise for the rest of the story! (I'm especially excited to see how the holy grail ties in)

Characterization: I love how you don't give us her name till the end, and not even her first name at that. It adds a mysterious effects to it :) The way you paint Jugson and Selwyn, ugh they just make me cringe. Just by describing the way they act, you bring out how vile they are, so yay!

Spelling/Grammar: This isn't really my forte, but I'll do my best! So, my first thing isn't really a spelling or grammar error per se. In you second paragraph, at the end, I feel like that last sentence would be much more dynamic without the 'I guess'. Just a thought :) Second, at "That's right" I could almost, there should be a comma after right. Like that, a lot of your dialogue doesn't have punctuation, so just make sure to go through and check every single dialogue bit :) (if you would like, send me a pm and I'd be happy to help!) That was all I could really catch grammar/spelling wise, and I'm not sure if that's cause you're just great at that, or I'm just terrible haha :P

So, description. Description is, at least for me, a terrifying beast that I haven't quite conquered, but it seems that you have. I know it can be hard to figure where the line between too much and not enough is, but I think you've found a good balance. The description goes at a really good pace and you're also not hounding the reader facts, which is good. The only thing I'd have to say on this is sometimes, and this happens when you've got huge chunks of description like at the beginning, I think you're trying to convey so much to the reader that you're a bit all over the place. Like when you're describing her being tied up, you talk about her head throbbing, but then her arms hurting, and then you're back up top to the neck, and then you move onto the back. I think that you could start at one spot and work your way from there. So in this scenario, that would mean talking about the head, then the neck, and then the arms/back. Ack, sorry if I'm not making any sense here :S But I think you get what I'm trying to say?

I really like this story though and I also like where it's headed. If you found my review helpful, totally rerequest!

-Sankavi ^_^

Author's Response: I'm so so sorry that I'm so late replying to this! Life's been so busy lately so it's been a little hard to keep up!

Wow, what a detailed review and I'm so grateful for that!

I'm glad you like the plot and if I'm 100% honest, half the time I don't even end up sticking to planned plot lines! I just go with it, which sometimes works and sometimes doesn't. Half of these chapters were supposed to be completely different!

Also, so happy wth your feedback on description! It's something I always always have trouble with! Sometimes I over describe and my words soundless like pointless babble.

Thank you so much again for the lovely review!


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Review #4, by LightLeviosa5443 Chapter One

8th January 2014:
Hi! Review swap is so much fun!

I really enjoyed reading this chapter. It was interesting, and different and I honestly had no idea what to expect.

As I read I really found myself wanting to know more and more about the main character and who she is, where she's from, why she's there. I think that the way you described her pain and thinking of emotional pain to get away really made everything so much more believable.

I think the strongest part of the story was the ending, she's walking through the manor and panicking because she must be on her way to die, now. And then she realizes that she's supposed to sit at this table with all of these people. And then she see's her classmates and she's ashamed. What's even better is when the woman comments about her looking like she's been tortured and I actually got a chill down my back.

I can't wait to find out what the holy grail is in this story, and what's going to happen now.

Great read! Thanks for the review swap!

xoxo LL

Author's Response: I am soo sorry that this is so late!

Very happy that you liked this because I had quite a few reservations because I thought it might just be way to intense for a first chapter, but it's good that you hopefully thought otherwise!

I hope you read on!

Thank you for the lovely review :)


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Review #5, by UnluckyStar57 Chapter One

7th January 2014:
Hello! I'm here for the Twelfth Day of the Twelve Days of Reviewing.

Wow... This story is REALLY intense. Who is "Miss Blanc," and why is she being tortured by the Death Eaters? Why are they after this mysterious "Holy Grail?" Everything about this chapter, from start to finish, was very suspenseful and well done. You had me wanting to know more about what's going on in Malfoy Manor!

I certainly hope that Miss Blanc can escape from her imprisonment--the Death Eaters are TERRIBLE to her. I will definitely be coming back to read more of this later on! :)

~UnluckyStar57

Author's Response: Im so sorry this is a little late!

Intense? Wow thanks! I'm so so glad you liked it because I was starting to think maybe it was way to foreboding for a first chapter haha

I hope you read on!


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Review #6, by magnolia_magic Chapter One

27th December 2013:
Hi Bella! I'm here for our review swap! Thanks so much for taking me up on the offer, by the way :)

Intriguing opening! I've never read an OC story from this time period before, so I was glad for the chance to branch out a little. And I like your narrator so far. It's hard to get a sense of her character right away, since this chapter is so much about setting the scene of Malfoy Manor and dropping backstory hints. But I'm dying to find out more about her and about the Holy Grail! That's exactly what you want in an opening chapter, for your readers to be excited to read on. And I think you nailed it...there's a perfect amount of mystery and suspense!

Your descriptions of the Death Eaters are so sinister and spot-on. I'm pretty sure a shiver went down my spine when she walked into the dining room and saw all of them there. You did a really great job of setting up an ominous, suspenseful tone with this chapter, and the dining room scene was the strongest example of that.

Some minor CC: I think the description of the dungeon at the beginning could be cut a bit shorter. By the time we get to the dream sequence (which I loved, by the way), I sort of felt like the narrative was dragging a bit. That said, however, I think those descriptions are incredibly strong. I especially loved the sensory detail you included, like her hair being caught in the neck collar and itching. It's something I never would have thought about including, and it helps me get a great feel for the horror that the narrator is going through. So I'd suggest taking another look at that section: decide which statements are the most vibrant and contribute most to the tone you're setting, and just keep those :)

I'm really intrigued to find out more about your narrator, like I've said. Was she a Slytherin? A Mudblood? Possibly both? How did she know Crabbe and Malfoy? You did an awesome job of getting me on the hook, that's for sure! Thanks again for the swap, Bella! I really enjoyed this chapter a lot :)

--Maggie

Author's Response: Hi there!

I'm sorry for the late reply but I just havn't had much time (sigh)

Annyyywayy, I'm glad you liked the narration because I did find it slightly tedious, more so in coming chapters so it's always good to know that you thought otherwise!

Also, I did try to be as baleful as I could be with the characters but obviously I did not want to make them overly disturbing (even though some of them very well may be creepy sociopaths) So again, I'm glad that you liked the discription of them and oh my a shiver?! That's a compliment on my account I think haha :P

Also, I like the idea of cutting down on the quantity a bit, so maybe when I get around to editing all these chapters, I'll take that on board!

Thank for once again for such a lovely review!

Bella x


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Review #7, by FredWeasleyIsMyKing Chapter One

22nd December 2013:
Hey there!

Here for the review swap :)

Wow this was very different kind of story! I was really shocked when I read the beginning... It wasn't anything like I expected. You kept a really good sense of mystery throughout, giving us only the bear minimum of information which I really loved, it definitely got my interest!

I thought you did a great job with the description. Particularly at the beginning when she is chained up! This in itself leads to many questions though. We got that she was a muggle born so that must be why she was captured, she must have some use though otherwise she would be dead. You revealed part of that at the end but as such a cliff hanger anyone would have to be crazy not to want to read on!

As for a little CC, nothing major but you get a little fixated on words and repeat them quite a lot. Ugly I noticed was used often as an example. It might be worth trying to change a few?

Great chapter though, you've really set the scene for a thrilling story! The whole thing had a nice flow about it making it easy to read, I look forward to reading more in the future!

Lauren :)

Author's Response: Hi there!

I'm glad you like the fact that it is a little bit different because sometimes it feels like the due to it's plot being a little unorthodox, people may feel a little confused and discouraged to read on.

I'm also very happy that you like the description since I remember ripping my hair out over it :p I do realize that the mystery around the chapter may be discouraging to most but it's good that you saw that as a cliff hanger and wanted to read more :)

What's more, I am always open to CC and I do realize that repeating words is a big problem of mine. I will try my hardest to take that in consideration when I write more!

Thank you for the lovely review,

Bella


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Review #8, by Infinityx Chapter Two

22nd December 2013:
Hi there! Thanks for requesting a review on my thread!

I'm extremely intrigued to see where this story will lead to. The plot here is different from the other stories I've read and the start has been very well planned out as well. I also really like how you've only mentioned your character's surname. That increases the mystery that surrounds her.

I think you've done a good job with your characterization of Yaxley. He comes off as this cold, dominating, but also a stupid person.

You've definitely set the mood for the story well, with your descriptions of the manor and the dungeons. There were some things I felt could have been improved though.

First of all, the 'i's in the beginning of the chapter are not capitalized. It kind of interrupts the flow of the story. Also, you don't put a punctuation after your dialogues. For example "Well then I guess you are never going to find out" should have a full stop in this manner.. "Well then I guess you are never going to find out."
Another example.. "Have fun" he sneered. This dialogue should have a comma "Have fun," he sneered. If you have any trouble with this, there are tutorials available to help you out. :) I had some similar mistakes earlier, so I understand how dialogues can be.

While your character seems very mysterious, I think her background and how she came to be in this situation has to be established quite soon otherwise readers won't be able to connect to her character. I hope that comes up!

I also found this chapter a little rushed. Descriptions could have been stressed upon a bit more to give it a greater dark and eerie feel. One thing that I found was that you tend to write very short sentences in your narrative. I think if you lengthened certain sentences, (I don't mean everything. Mostly certain ones in descriptions) then the chapter wouldn't have seem so rushed, and it would have also built upon the setting.

You also seem to repeat certain things, and that interrupts the flow. For instance, following the line "I felt the familiar tug of my collar and yet again I was being dragged away by Jugson", you've repeated his name so many times in that same scene. You could have refrained from doing that by using "he" or by connecting a couple of sentences together.

I also found a few spelling mistakes which I'm not going to go into here as I'm sure you'll realize what I mean if you read through the chapter again. :)

Overall, I really love the way you've begun the story. Also, I forgot to mention earlier, I really like that character Liana that you brought into the first chapter. She seems like a slightly tamer version of Bellatrix and I'm actually hoping she plays a greater role in the chapters to come!

I'm sorry if the critiquing was a bit much, but I hope it was helpful. PM me if you have any questions about the review. :)

Happy writing and have a wonderful Christmas!

Cheers,
Erin.

Author's Response: Hi there!

Wow, this was very fast, thank you :)

I'm glad you enjoyed it and took the time to read on to the second chapter. I will admit, I was iffy on whether or not I should have revealed more about the main character and I probably should have but I hope the later chapters clear up any confusion that you may have.

I appreciate the critique because that is the whole point of reviews! I was quite worried about the pace of the story so I'm glad that you pointed out on how I could improve, I will make sure to take all of that and use it to improve coming chapters. Also, I know that I need a BETA reader so I think that I should probably be getting around to that soon haha

Thank you so much for the lovely, fast and much needed review!!

Bella :)


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Review #9, by LilyLou Chapter Two

5th December 2013:
Here with our Review Swap!

I've read the first chapter before, and was intrigued, so your offering of a review swap gave me a good reason to keep reading this!

In the very beginning, and scattered throughout the story, there were a few times where you didn't capitalize the word "I". Just a little bit of critique before I go on about how great the chapter was;)

This was very interesting. I love how brave and stubborn you've written Miss Blanc to be, as well as cunning and clever. She's not stupid by any means, and knew how to weave her way through conversations with the Death Eaters without anything slipping out of her mouth and her giving away anything, or her being killed.

I'm interested in what's going to happen next. I want to know how or if she's going to escape, and how you're going to play out everything.

I can't wait to read more. Well done!

-Janelle

Author's Response: Hi there!

Sorry that this response is a little bit late ;/

I understand all of those grammatical errors and once the novel is finished, I will go back and get a BETA reader to sort all of that out :p

I'm glad you like my characterization of Imogen! I did try and make her as 'baddy' as I could so I'm glad it worked!

I hope you keep on reading! Thank you for the lovely review :)


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Review #10, by Rumpelstiltskin Chapter Twelve

4th December 2013:
Gah! I am so supposed to be working on Everto, but I can't help myself.

That's an interesting and very poetic way to describe a feeling (like a 'mark left on a table by a cold glass'). The descriptions are also very fantastic...all of them (Imogen's feelings, the physical surroundings of the cave, etc.)

They are completely out of their minds for venturing into a dragon's den. I almost want to cover my eyes because...well...dragon! Oh my, and it doesn't sleep, it's cunning, and it's powerful? That is terrifying and I am standing by my "they are completely out of their minds" statement.

Ah! I always love how artistic your writing is! "Alive, hungry and monstrous" as a description of the water in the crevice below was positively beautiful.

I absolutely love the premise that Tribus can look into people's hearts to see what they most desire! That's really awesome.

Split up to cover more ground? Er...I agree with Draco. Hooray, so does Imogen. His plan had much more...survival chance.

The entire, "part of me is made of glass" is really lovely. I am truly in love with the way you write (and very jealous of your descriptors), if you hadn't drawn that conclusion yet.

Oh, the scene between Draco and Imogen was fabulous. I have no idea what is happening to Imogen, but it is quite intense. She stabbed him? Wow, things became a bit scary there.

This chapter seemed to fly by with all of the action and everything that happened. I had to go check and see how long it was! It certainly didn't feel like nearly 6k words. This was awesome! AND they killed the dragon! :D

I can't wait for the next one!

-Rumpel

Author's Response: Ahh I love your reviews so I am so sorry for the late response!

I'm so so happy that you liked the chapter because I felt like it moved way way way to fast, just like you said about the word count. It felt like to me that the description was left out of it and that not showing them actually kill Tribus made the chapter slightly flawed but hey, I can always go back and edit ;p

Thank you soo much for the lovely review!


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Review #11, by LilyLou Chapter One

4th December 2013:
Review Swap!

Oooh, suspenseful. Extremely so. This seems like such an interesting story. Your use of words an imagery was fascinating and kept me reading on, interested in what was to happen to next. The girl is very interesting as well. I don't believe you revealed her first name, only that her surname is Blanc? That keeps the suspense going.

Your writing was fantastic and I might be back to read some more!

Great job!

-Janelle

Author's Response: Hi there!,
I'm very very happy that you liked it! I did try an create an element of mystery with the chapter which is almost a prologue, so I'm glad I did what I wanted to achieve!

Thank you so much for the lovely review :)

Bella x


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Review #12, by True Author Chapter Two

30th November 2013:
Here for our Review Swap!

Another awesomely descriptive chapter! I just love how you describe Malfoy Manor in both the chapters. Your descriptions were very proportionate and believable with a slight touch of darkness. They are very effective here too. Great job!

I liked Yaxley's characterisation here too. He seems icy cold just like he's supposed to be in the books. I always find difficult to write such characters and I am trying to write some for Through The Darkest, so your Yaxley sounded very impressive to me. =]

There's just one little thing I'd like to say. I think you should tell us more about your OC and her connection to Holy Grail as soon as you can. Reading about her tortures and imprisonment only might get boring in future chapters. I just thought you should move the plot forward as soon as you can. :)

I also spotted a few grammatical errors (I make them too) like you wrote 'i instead of I and all. But they're minor though!

Overall, this is a very gripping dark story. I can't wait to find more about Holy Grail and her connection to it. :)
Hope I wasn't harsh!

Ashwini

Author's Response: Hi there!

I'm very glad that you liked the do scripting aspects of things and the way I characterization Yaxley. Honestly, I just tried to think of the most horrible man I could and tried to put him into a story haha

Also, I promise in chapter 3 you will find out everything you need to know and also in the chapters after that.

Thank you for the review!

Bella x


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Review #13, by Penelope Inkwell Chapter Two

30th November 2013:
I’m back! : D

So, obviously I couldn’t resist coming back for more. I must say, your MC has chutzpah. The fact that she’s been able to keep it together in the face of this torture is impressive, especially since you don’t tiptoe around it in vague terms. You show it happening, and the signs of it having happened in the past. And she obviously has suffered, but she’s clearly a very strong person with a lot of control over her mind. I am so curious about this secret she is suffering for. If it isn’t the Grail, but it grants immortality, whatever could it be?! It sounds like she’s got a plan, which I also respect. She’s good at keeping it together, despite the incredibly challenging circumstances. That’s admirable. So far, I like her.

I enjoyed the content of this chapter, but I couldn’t help but notice it seemed a bit more rushed than the last one. There were quite a few capitalization and grammar errors, which was a bit distracting. Sometimes I wouldn’t even make much of a note of that, but you have such a *lovely* core to your story, I hate to see it tarnished by little things. It seems to me that you’re churning out this story quickly, which is probably why (though I know that, as a reader, I certainly appreciate fast updates!) If you have a Beta look at it, I’m sure they could correct those little blips for you quite quickly, so this story can really shine as it deserves.

And I’m a bit of a grammar nazi, so there is that ; )

It was a very intriguing update and I am eager to know what happens next and where Draco comes into all this. I have every intention of reading onward. I’ve got to find out what on earth is going on with this secret!

Oh, and congratulations on your recent engagement! That’s awesome! So happy for you!

--Penny

Author's Response:
Hi!

Our Imogen is a strong one isn't she? Atleast I hoped she would be! Way back from when this story was merely a few paragraphs of character drafts, I decided that she was going to be one heck of a girl. She's emotionally stronger and put together than most of my characters anyway :) however, she may come to falter in bravery in coming chapters but there's nothing too bad that our Imogen can't stand. So respectively, she does have a plan for the object she's hiding.

I do understand what you mean when you say that it's rushed. When I read through this and other chapters I did realise that the pace of them did sound slightly rushed. Hopefully, I will be able to go back and edit them soon!

Thank you so much for the review and the congratulations!

Bella x


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Review #14, by Rumpelstiltskin Chapter Eleven

29th November 2013:
Draco being a leader is very fun for me (I don't know why). I especially enjoyed that he told the rest of them that they could not take a break.

Oh, I especially enjoyed this line: "a hill amongst many other hills." I found it quite poetic. It is the perfect amount of description to make the line very pretty. Then, of course, the rest of the paragraph had beautiful imagery. The word choice here "sun had tilt and spilt and rained down onto the earth, too lazy to clean itself up" was especially breathtaking. It reminded me of how somebody would describe a painting. And evidently it WAS a painting in Marla's kitchen ^.^. Good call, Rumpel.

Ooo...Transylvania and dragons. Things always get interesting when concerning Transylvania OR dragons. I can imagine that both will cause especially interesting situations.

I laugh when Arian called Draco's ego a "fascinating monster." :p

Word games are always entertaining, so I'm glad that Imogen decided to play one.

"She was out of frying pans..." oh man :D. That was funny.

Wow, the information provided about Marla's mother was disturbing. It sounds like depression to the point of mental instability, but I promise I will not psychoanalyze your character. It was very interesting to read.

The back story for Imogen's mother is also interesting. It's very romantic and I love romance (as well as action and adventure). I am curious to learn more about it.

There is a significant amount of information in this chapter. I find that sometimes, when I try to provide a lot of information, I tend to cause some confusion with the readers. That, to me, makes it even more impressive that all of the information is provided with an astounding amount of clarity :D!

The kingdom of Erebus? Oh this is exciting! You've even delved into some mythology? You've reduced me to squee-ing!!

I love that the drags have hunting hours. It would make sense that they would look for food during specific times, as most creatures do. And I just want to say that domesticating dragons sounds like a particularly dangerous hobby. But more power to Nikolas if that's what he's into. :)

This made me laugh, too, "I didn’t get nearly enough credit in life for the times I managed not to die."

"Ladies first"? Baha...way to be a brave leader, Draco.

Between the dead wolf carcasses and they exchange of "I like your wolf", you had me laughing so hard that my fiance had to come and make sure I was okay. I think he was concerned for my mental health :).

This line, "the sound of raw power" was really beautiful as well. For such a small sentence, it has great impact.

This story is so incredibly unique while still tying into the HP world effortlessly. It is promising me adventure with a dragon! But I suppose I'll have to wait until the next chapter for "scaly's" appearance :).

I love this so much! *hugs chapter*

-Rumpel

Author's Response:
*sqeee I love your reviews!

I'm glad you're liking Draco; I feel like he's not getting the attention he deserves from me when it comes to writing him properly. Also, I'm glad you enjoyed the imagery and discription too even thought I will admit, the poetry and the picture link in Marla's living room as an accidental link but I'm glad it fit in! Haha

Transylvania and dragons...hmm..whatever could go wrong? :p

I'm really glad you enjoyed the chapter though; It was my favourite one to write!!

I hope to put chapter 12 in the queue tonight!!

Bella x


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Review #15, by True Author Chapter One

28th November 2013:
Here for our Review Swap! :D

Ooh, I'm so impressed by the description you've put here. The descriptions were beautiful and effective, and some of them gave me the chills. You have set up everything nicely here without letting much information about the plot here.

I am very curious about your OC. I'm eager to know more about her background and why she is a prisoner at Malfoy Manor. It looks like this story is set during DH? I wonder if we'd see Luna and Ollivander at some point...

Holy Grail! Wow, it looks like this is going to be very different and thrilling story. Malfoy Manor, a prisoner, lots of Death Eaters and Holy Grail. What more can a huge mystery fan like me ask for? ;)

This was really a great read. Good job!

Ashwini :D

Author's Response: Hi there!

Oh wow, thank you so much for saying you like it and about the description which is always something I worry about! This story is set after DH so Luna and Ollivander didn't show up.yet.

I hope you stick around!

Bella x


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Review #16, by Penelope Inkwell Chapter One

27th November 2013:
Wow. You really know how to set the mood. That was my favorite part, I think. I could really see all the dungeons, and the pain, and the grime, and the fear. That was then perfectly juxtaposed by the upper floors of the manor. It was beautifully done.

The part where Jugson is toying with her is well-executed, too. I felt fear for her, disgust for him, and such total horror at her conditions, even though we’re barely into the story. And, I mean, you’d hope anyone would be disgusted at the thought of someone being treated like that, but not every writer can really make you *feel* it as you do.

Really, you’ve done the best thing any writer can do in a first chapter--you’ve intrigued me enough that I want (and intend) to read the second : )

As for CC, I pretty much always include it, but I am notoriously nitpicky : ) Anything I can say is really grammatical. The story itself is unfolding very nicely in this first chapter, and I really enjoyed it. I certainly want to read more.

There are several sentences that should really be split into two, rather than being connected by commas. A few other places that need commas but don’t have them. That’s also true of quotes. For instance, “’Mudbloods' Liana shrugged.” should be “Mudbloods,” Lianna shrugged.

Also, the word ‘jeering’ is used a bit too frequently--enough to stand out. It’s a great word, though. Maybe consider replacing one or two of them with “taunt” or “sneer”?


Oh, and when your OC describes the trees as, "Taller and meaner than I was,” I don’t know exactly what it is about it, but it struck me as just brilliant.

Very nice beginning. I’ve got to do a review for someone else, but then I’ll have to come back and read more of this. That ending? Totally threw me for a loop! I have *got* to find out what they mean by that!

--Penny

Author's Response: Hi there!

Oh wow, thank you so much for such a detailed review, I will definitely be going back and writing another one for yours!

I'm glad you like the description side of things because when I first posted the chapter a good few months ago, I did feel like maybe it was lacking.

Also, I felt slightly repulsed myself when I was writing Jugson and I did try my hardest to think of a very disgusting, irreverent man and so this side of Jugson was born.

Also, I really do think that 'Sneered' does sound a lot better than 'jeered' and so the next time I edit this chapter, probably when the novel is finished and I re-write small parts of it, then I will deffinitly be adding that in, as well as the shorter sentences!

Honestly, thank you so much for taking the time to write such a lovely review!

Bella x


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Review #17, by toomanycurls Chapter Nine

27th November 2013:
Oh wow, I love the flow and beauty you capture in the beginning of this chapter. The imagery you use nudges the story on and sets a haunting mood for the chapter.

Poor Arian - you describe his episode extremely well. The terror Imogen felt came through very well and caused me to feel the same panic she did. I quite liked that she was able to recall how to help him!

Visions, hmm, this could be interesting. It's always so sad to see what sacrifices people make because they have visions. In Arian's case it's the siezures. :(

It's exciting to have Draco's POV. You switch voices very well. It can be hard to jump to another person like that.

I love how you write Draco. He's funny, intilligent, and a touch on the mean side. I love this line 'She called me selfish and egotistic and in the end, she won.' It's just so lovely and curt.

His insights on the difference between death eaters and other people was beautiful and so insightful.

Wait, Travers? Like the death eater? I'm suspicious. O.o She's definitely not who she says she is.

Her story is full of holes! Why are they trusting her??!!

well, at least Imogen is not completely trusting her.

Dementors and yaxley, oh my.

I have to say, I've seen such growth and maturity with your writing style in this story. It's really exciting to see that (in addition to the exciting story) while reading this fic.

-Rose

Author's Response: Ahh, I always love your reviews because they really are so lovely to read.

I'ts so nice to hear that you liked the imagery at the beginning of the chapter because I was so worried that maybe it was just a tad too much but I'ts good to know that it wasn't.

I have to say, I do feel bad for Arian too but maybe he'll become more stronger as the chapters go on? Also, I'm very happy to hear that you liked me putting Draco's POV in there because I was worried it might have been slightly risky!

As with Marla..all shall be revealed in time ;)

Haha, thank you once again for such a nice review :)

Bella x


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Review #18, by marauderfan Chapter One

24th November 2013:
Hi! Here for our review swap :)

This is a very powerful opening chapter! It starts off right in the thick of the action and raises a lot of questions. How did she get there? Why do they want her? And how does the Holy Grail tie in? (Side note: That is awesome. I love legend stuff like that and it's neat to see it appearing in HP.)

I really like the narrative style. The character (who at this point doesn't actually have a first name, but I think that adds to the effect) mentions something about haunting memories in the beginning, and for most of the chapter I'm not sure whether it's the memory or the present action. And that's really well done because I would imagine that after being stuck in the Malfoys' cellar for four months, you would lose track of time and reality. So, I liked the vague nature of the narration.

I'm really excited to see where this goes - it's not often that I find something set during the war and showing the darkest side of it, and the interactions between all the Death Eaters (you wrote the Death EAters well!)

Great job on this, and I look forward to reading more! :)

Author's Response: Hi!

Thank you so much for such a lovely review! I'm glad you like the vague sense of the chapter as I did want it to mimic a type of 'going in and out of consciousness' type of feeling as I wrote from the OC's point of view. I actually didn't even realise at all that I hadn't included the OC's name until after I had the chapter BETA'd and published; I tend to make silly mistakes like that all the time.

I'm so pleased you likes this though and I hope you read on!

Bella x


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Review #19, by lindslo2012 Chapter One

24th November 2013:
Hi there!
This is an amazing story and I can't wait to read more.
I am also writing a Draco/OC but I doubt mine will be anywhere as good as yours!!
You are such a talented, amazing writer and I will defidently read on! ;)
-Linds

Author's Response: Hi there! Oh wow thank you so much for that lovely review!!

I wish you all the best with your story!

Bella x


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Review #20, by Rumpelstiltskin Chapter Ten

22nd November 2013:
Hooray, an update!

Whoever "they" are, they have the tendency to say a lot of things, don't they? :p

I genuinely love the way you write; you always create such beautiful images. For example, "take glory in decay and despair" was absolutely stunning. It is a feat to turn something dark, or even gruesome, into something breathtaking while still being able to maintain its element of horror. I really appreciate things like this (thrive off of it, really); it's like art or poetry.

Draco's characterization is really developing nicely as, of course, is Imogen's.

Yes, actually, that was a very wise comment ("nature never allowed a truly immortal being to exist without a weakness"), I really like that line.

Just a thought, don't give the crazy lady seeking immortality the stones! Yay! She said no! :)

This chapter was definitely action-y, and I loved it. I know from experience that action can be difficult to write, but it appears that you did not have an issue with it :).

Excited for adventure!

-Rumpel

Author's Response: Hi there!,

I always look forward to your reviews as they really are lovely and make my day! I am so very glad and grateful that about the way you feel about my writing. To say that it is almost art or poetry is just one of the best compliments ever; I would never ever think that away about my writing!

Also, I be damned when Liana gets her hands on those stones! Haha, thank you so much for being such a lovely reader and reviewer :)

Bella :)


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Review #21, by patronus_charm Chapter One

14th November 2013:
Here for the review swap!

I really liked the description in this as I found it very sensual so I could really imagine it happening to me. Also it really created a good opening by easing the reader as you gradually opened up your main character more and more through it and it was a nice technique.

The mystery in this chapter was really great. It definitely raised a lot of questions such as what exactly does she have to do with the Death Eaters, what’s her background and why does she know too much about Malfoy Manor. All of these things will make the reader want to read on and having suspense in the first chapter is always a good idea in my opinion. Then the Holy Grail – that was a great mix of magic and muggle.

I thought the Death Eaters were also characterised well and the mixture of prominent and less prominent ones was nice and I hope you continue to explore their character.

If I can just give a couple of CCs. In these three sentences ‘Some of my hair pooled onto the floor while the rest had been caught under the metal collar around my throat. My neck itched from the strands of hair stuck to it from the sweat and the humidity in the room. If my calculations were right, it was mid-July. My fourth month here. ‘ you used my quite a lot so perhaps vary it up by omitting it now and then. It will make it more effective with the change of it. Then I found the paragraphs a little longer than usual making it harder to concentrate so perhaps splitting them up will help it a little.

Also we never found out your MCs first name only her surname and to connect to her more it might be nice to include it here.

Just a few things to clear up really, but other than that I thought it was a really great first chapter!

-Kiana

Author's Response: Hi there!

Sorry this is a little late :/

Thank you so much for the review and I'm glad you liked it!! I did take note of what you said and have made sure I split my paragraphs up a bit more because a few more people have said that they're a teeny bit large *ah* Also, I'll be watching out for those pesky repetitions!

Thank you for the lovely review,

bella :)


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Review #22, by toomanycurls Chapter Eight

6th November 2013:
Hi!!

You did a great job with the flashback in the beginning of the chapter. It started off with the snow outside the inn and flitted back in a way that was tangetially connected to her present situation. I find that most real memories that come up are like that.

I understand Imogen's sense of urgency. I'm sure it was terrifying to think of Yaxley getting everything first.

:-o Maeve is an imposter?!?! That was out of left field (in a well done way). I can't believe Imogen didn't suspect! It's Ludo?! I thought he died after GoF (well, I know Igor did). Wow - that was intense.

This was quite the dramatic chappie! I hope they're able to get Maeve.

-Rose

Author's Response: Hi there!

Sorry this reply is a little it late, life is hectic :/

Annnyway, I hope you enjoyed the little plot twist there and yup Bagman has made quite the little appearance again! Haha,

Thank you so much for the lovely review I hope you carry on reading!


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Review #23, by Rumpelstiltskin Chapter Nine

4th November 2013:
Hello!

I can't resist myself, I must tear apart the first paragraph because it is fantastic. First of all, the imagery was lovely. Tied into that is your beautiful use of personification that really set the tone and mood of the chapter. Then there was a quick deduction of what "emotion" the thunder held. And this line- "Was Mother Nature angry that I was so much better at brooding than she?" Holy crows! I'm at a loss for words at all of this. I've been quite hung up on this paragraph for a while now and all I can think to say is: Genius!

Imogen's reaction to Arian's violent response to his visions was very realistic. The details provided were lovely, acting as perfect descriptions in a scene filled with movement.

The line "he's also one sandwich short of a picnic" was fabulous. I've heard many similar sayings alluding to one's mental stability, but never that one. It cracked me up :).

I also found Draco's slight annoyance at the idea of (for lack of a better term) babysitting Arian quite funny.

In this chapter I particularly liked the way you kept referring to the storm in order to reflect the interpersonal turmoil occurring in the plot. It was a perfect use of symbolism, if you ask me.

My Rowling...there is so much that I can comment on in this chapter! It has to be my favorite so far. It gets gold stars! YOU get gold stars! Even Draco and Imogen get gold stars!

Anyway...

My favorite part was Draco's rationalization of good versus bad. I had this very discussion in one of my theory classes last year. It turned out to be a very heated, opinionated debate that lasted the entire block. Not once did anybody mention love as a factor. It was a brilliant component in the good v. bad dynamic that I had never considered before. Now you've got Rumpel thinking. :D

The way the story is moving along is quite lovely. It's like being taken step-by-step though an adventure. You also always leave me yearning for more, the anticipation is really gripping.

I cannot wait for more, although I realize that in this time of the year I will have to wait a bit. That is okay, though, I am a patient Rumpel!

Until next time,
-Rumpel

Author's Response: Ah RUMPEL!! I look forward to your reviews like I do Christmas...or maybe even pancake day :p

OK, my weirdness aside, I have to tell you that I am so so so so so completely overwhelmed and touched by that wonderful comment about the first paragraph. I really did not expect it and I am over the moon and smiley because of how much you liked it and the lovely praise! It sure is nice to read such a nice review when I am tearing my hair about an exam that is a day and a half away.

Anyway, I tried to make Arian's vision scene as active and realistic as possible and I solemnly swear I didn't intend to have Imogen standing there like a dumb vegetable but hey, it's her first time seeing something like that. I don't blame her for being slow :p

The whole good VS bad thing was something I hoped would someone how clear the readers and to some point, my own confusion about Draco's character because I always feel as though I NEED to include more information about him. That is why a huge chunk of this chapter was written from his view. He is after all a main character and I think his POV was necessary to get him as detailed as one.

As far as debates go, if your class ever have one again, you know what to do! *cheesy smirk*

Seriously, I cannot thank you enough for this wonderful review and I promise that as soon as this hectic week is up, I will post chapter 10 in the queue. It is so tempting tpo write as the queue is so small lately but ugh, I must resist.

Thank you so much again and I hope you stick with Imogen and Draco :)


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Review #24, by lindslo2012 Chapter Nine

4th November 2013:
Wow this was a very intense chapter. I love the way that the Arian guy had that scary vision and he got so sick.. I would have freaked if I was Imogen! I will defidently be reading more even though I have read most the story already. I have no negative things at all to say about this. Beautifully written!! Can't wait to read some more!!!

Author's Response: Aw wow what a lovely review, thank you so much!!

I hope to have another chapter up soon!!

Bella x


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Review #25, by Smil_ Chapter Eight

2nd November 2013:
Can't wait for more! :)

Author's Response: I should have another update soon! :)

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