Reading Reviews for Breakoff Altitude
32 Reviews Found

Review #1, by ohmymerlin Where Amelia meets an intruder

9th January 2014:
Hello again!


Also, nice introduction to the chapter! Shelia seems like an interesting character! Is there going to be more of her? Although, it was VERY odd that she was peeing in her bath. Some drunk people can be so strange.

Although, I loved how she said come over for a tea or a margarita! :p If I was Amelia I'd be taking the margarita. It seems like she's going to need it, hahaha!

Anyway, I really loved reviewing this story and I'm going to add it to my favourites and keep reviewing because I can't stop now! Thanks for messaging me, I would have missed this great story! (I've also seen your reviews and I will eventually respond to them! Thanks for leaving them! :))

- Kayla :)

Author's Response: Yes!! Hahaha! Hippie Peter!! Oh yea, there is a lot more of Shelia down the road. Not to give anything away but she becomes a very important character.

I think Amelia is too uptight to be drinking margaritas with strangers, or really conversing with them at all!

We're so glad you enjoyed the story. We sure have had a good time reading your reviews and getting to view our story from an outsiders perspective.

**also very flattered that it's on your favorites list

yours truly,

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Review #2, by ohmymerlin Where Gideon gets picked on and Fabian gets very awkward

9th January 2014:

Hahahahaha, I really loved this chapter. There's finally action between Amelia and Fabian! And Wren understands that she does not want to be near him! Yay!

And poor Gideon, getting stuck in that situation. I don't understand why he just doesn't say, 'Oh, we just broke up. Let's never talk about it again'? :p

But then again, he's a boy. I hate to be sexist but sometimes they just don't see the obvious choices, haha :p (Growing up with a brother, father, and multiple male cousins, I can tell you that none of them seem to pick the obvious choice - unless that's just my family, hahaha :p)

Although I do have a bit of criticism again, sorry!

I just felt this was too modern: "I better see some improvements, b-word!"

Instead of that word (I've changed it to comply with the 12+ rule), I'd suggest 'ladies'. I feel like that's more of a 60s way of saying things. I always hear countless old men saying 'ladies' but I don't think I've ever heard them use that word.

I also felt like this part was too 'chat-speak'. Like I would type this on Facebook or in a review: "especially Fabian, wink wink". I would personally remove the 'wink wink' because it's implied.

Other than that, however, I think this was done extremely well! I loved the interaction between Fabian and Amelia, and how shy he got when he asked her if he was the one she was avoiding. Aw, bless him!

I also enjoyed the Quidditch section. I always love reading anything about Quidditch and I think the practise was really well done!

Great job!

- Kayla :)

Author's Response: Okay, I can see how 'ladies' might be a little more appropriate.

Adding the wink wink was only to emphasize the intention behind the actions. We'll probably rework the section to make that more obvious without the 'wink wink'


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Review #3, by ohmymerlin Where a lot more than law happens in the office

9th January 2014:
Hello again! I'm here to finish the reviews! *dramatic music starts* LET'S GET DOWN TO BUSINESS!

Anyway, this chapter was good! I liked getting introduced to new characters! Wren is a bit odd but he's a typical 60s man. Which is good.

Again, I feel like the dialogue is a bit off. Wren and Peter were fine, it was just Amelia. If you search 60s slang, there are multiple web pages that could help you?

Also, I just noticed a typo. The second time you mention 'goblin goop', you've forgotten the letter 'l' in goblin :p

Other than that, I think this chapter was great. I didn't really like Peter but he seems like a guy with good intentions.

I'm glad Amelia got the job though! I love that Orly made her lunch with a good luck note, that was so cute!

Anyway, I'm off to read more!

- Kayla :)

Author's Response: Oops, we really need to go back and edit some of these chapters. We've noticed a lot of small typos!

Okay, we'll keep that in mind for some of the next chapters. We really didn't want it to be too 60s because we were afraid people wouldn't be able to relate to the dialogue or decade humor.

Thanks so much for your thoughts!!


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Review #4, by lemonpeeps Where Gideon gets picked on and Fabian gets very awkward

6th January 2014:
I thought the writing about Quidditch was great, its nice to read nice sporty action!

Also I literally laughed out loud when I read the dialogue between Fabian and Amelia. Oh my god, you guys must be hilarious.

One quick question. I was really confused about that part that starts after "after the game Underton was furious" is that suppose to be a flashback? Because I think it is but there isn't anything marking that. It makes it really confusing!

Over all I really enjoyed this chapter! I can't wait to see more of Amelia and Fabian.

Author's Response: Yes! You were correct! That is suppose to be flash back. We will have to go and fix it. Thanks for mentioning it. That probably confused the readers a lot.

I'm glad you're enjoying it. Oh don't worry there will be plenty more.


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Review #5, by ohmymerlin Where Fabian has a hanger with his sibs

1st January 2014:
Hello again! I thought I'd review again because I promise I will get to all of them but I'm going away tomorrow for a week (meaning no HPFF) so there's going to be a massive break again. I'm so sorry for the delays!

This was another great chapter! I loved Fabian, Gideon and Molly's interactions. I love seeing siblings in novels and fanfictions. :)

Although one thing tha stuck out to me was the Pygmy Puff Surf Team. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought they were Fred and George's creations? I just did a quick Google search and a few sites came up saying they modified Puffskeins so I don't think Pygmy Puffs would have existed back then!

Also, I feel like Molly is a bit out of character. I know she's younger and would obviously be a bit different but it feels too modern the way she's speaking? She was born in 1949 so this would be like the sixties and they did speak a lot differently.

Anyway, I also liked the interaction between his mother and himself. It kind of shows where Molly got her techniques from, haha! :p And Fabian is a total Mummy's boy, isn't he? ;)

Anywho, I really enjoyed this chapter and I'll try and complete the reviews soon! When I come back from my holiday I solemnly swear I will review!

- Kayla :)

Author's Response: Hi! Thanks so much for reviewing! Yeah, we should probably change that band name, I feel like we were just thinking of random magical phrases to throw together into band names. Puffskein Surf Team should be a good name too! I agree that Molly probably doesn't sound as '60s as she could, I especially don't think they'd have used buzzwords like "sexual harassment" back then. At the same time, I'd rather write her a little more modern, just because I think she'd probably sound a little stale/awkward if we tried to sixties-ify it, just because I couldn't write naturally because I don't know that much about '60s British lingo/speaking style. Maybe as the story goes on and we get to know her better as a character, we'll try and make her dialogue more era-appropriate.
Yeah, we liked focusing on their sibling relationship just because Fabian and Gideon sounded so interesting and Molly barely ever talks about them in the series. Thanks again for reviewing :) And Rebekah and I will get on reviewing your stories!

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Review #6, by ohmymerlin Where Amelia lays us out the deets

23rd December 2013:
Hello! Sorry for the delay with this, I've just been super busy! D:

This chapter was great. It set the scene and gave us so much more detail about the characters and how Amelia is as a person. I really enjoy her character so far.

The only thing I'm confused about is the law school part. Is this a Wizarding law school or just a normal Muggle one where she will then transfer the knowledge and apply it in Wizarding situations?

I do have one teeny, tiny bit of criticism however. I just felt like the commentators' dialogue felt far too forced and the constant 'ho ho ho' and other 'oh ho's', 'ooh' reminded me of Santa (although that's probably because Christmas is tomorrow so...) but what I find helpful is saying the dialogue out loud to see if that's the way you would talk?

You're strong point is definitely description. All the descriptions in this are great and they really give the readers a clear image!

I also enjoyed (well, not enjoyed... but appreciated maybe?) the parts where the commentators were talking about Muggle 'filth'. It's absolutely disgusting and terrible, but it is probably accurate, sadly.

I also loved the banter between Fabian and Amelia. It was very witty and flirty, and who's going to complain about that? ;)

Anyway, this was another great chapter! I'll be back tomorrow (technically later today as it's 1.40 in the morning) to try and review more chapters!

- Kayla :)

Author's Response: Her law school's supposed to be a Wizarding one 'cuz we figured that Wizarding Britain would have such different laws and court systems they'd need a separate entity to teach their lawyers and judges. That's what's interesting to me in the series, is that you know to be a professor, or an Auror, or a judge, the characters must have needed extra school to learn how to do those careers, but they aren't really mentioned by Harry or his friends.
Yeah, our commentator was meant to be a little ridiculous, kind of a parody of those really macho-cool-guys working in sports industries. But if he's not coming across that way, we should probs rewrite it.
I'm glad you liked the banter, it was fun to write :)

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Review #7, by marauderfan Where Amelia lays us out the deets

22nd December 2013:
Hi! So sorry for the delay in getting to your requested review!

This is a good chapter. I liked the additional background on Amelia, her friendship with Orly, the myriad of things that are going on in the wizarding world and Amelia's daily life that she must focus on.

It was also really cool to see the very beginnings of the Order here - which probably didn't exist at that time, but Edgar's group of pro-Muggle wizards definitely sounds like a group of people that will one day be part of the Order. On that note, by the way, I was rather surprised to see the beginnings of the war getting that serious so early on, what with people disappearing and all.

I really like the wizard-isation (yeah that's not a word, but I think it should be) of common phrases - "going to the grindylows" is great.

I liked the background provided in this chapter about the Prewetts, and the backstory as to how Fabian and Amelia ended up together.

As for your questions in your request, I don't think there is any information lacking, the characters are believable, and the plot is interesting. As for flow/things standing out to me...

This isn't meant as a bad thing, by the way. To me, it kind of reads like a circle - it starts with Amelia getting home from her one night stand, and ends with her going off with Fabian to his house beforehand - essentially ending at the same point in time as the previous chapter. It makes the chapter feel slower, but I think the circular narration for the chapter is fine overall.

The only cc I have is this line: Fabian and his twin brother, Gideon, were old family friends of the Boneses, but Amelia hadn’t really spoken with either of them in years.

Where it is now, it doesn't really seem to fit in, as it's thrown between two lines of dialogue. Perhaps you could insert that line earlier instead. Maybe even right before Fabian starts speaking again, after the line "leaning against her armchair with the other."

Otherwise, it seems really well written! Great chapter, I think this story is coming along nicely! :)

Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing :) I'm glad you liked the chapter :) Our current thinking about the pro-Muggle wizards and Voldemort is that there must have been whispers and rumors years before the war started in earnest. I think we're going to have it heat up and slow down and Voldemort's presence is going to kind of fade in and out before the war really starts. Since we knew Fabian and Gideon die during the war we wanted to start the story early enough that we could give a longer story about them.

Also, I don't know about Rebekah(the other half of handknittedsweaters), but for me, timing is by far the hardest aspect of writing this story. I can never decide how much time should pass in a chapter or between the chapters- I can't remember what day it is in the story or if the characters should be at work or if it should be a new season? UGhfusjkkjjjh
But thanks again for reviewing :)

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Review #8, by ReeBee Prologue

20th December 2013:
Hi there!

Is there more than one person writing this? Anyway, I saw the lovely review that u left on my story (which has been updated, btw), so I thought I'd repay the favour :)

Okay, so here I am! Anyway, awesome start! I love the start! You introduced it quite well- perfect for a prologue! :D Its short and well, starts the ball rolling. God, that sounded awful, but u get what I'm saying :)

Hm, I like the characterisation of Fabian! Its so sweet how he makes coffee. And I know that its small, but I like it how the guy gets up before the girl! :D Super sweet!

Amelia and, something I've never thought of! But, I can see how that might work! They could have well been around the same age! Definitely the same era, what with Fabian being Molly's younger brother and all!

And I like the touch of her wearing his shirt! I don't know why I pay a lot of attention to these small things but they draw me in :) So, sweet! :D

Hm, sorry I don't have any CC! But, it is a prologue and a well written one at that! I'll probably keep reading! And definitely expect more reviews! :D

-ReeBee :)

Author's Response: Ahhh! You're great! Thanks for reviewing. And yes there are two people writing this story. We both write different chapters and edit each others so there're similar in writing style and characterization.

We think that Fabian is a sweetie too! Haha he's so into Amelia, she just needs to come around now. Thanks again for reading!


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Review #9, by ohmymerlin Prologue

19th December 2013:
Hey, it's ohmy-merlin from tumblr! (When I responded to you privately I forgot that it uses my personal tumblr, so I'm also that person, haha!)

I know you said you wanted the last chapters reviewed more but I thought I'd just go through them all! :)

This was a great introductory chapter! It was a bit short, but most first chapters are short. It set the scene very well and I'm really interested to read on!

The first paragraph was written beautifully. I loved the descriptions and they weren't too overpowering. :)

I can't say too much on this chapter as it's so short, but it has been written really well! Great job! :)

- Kayla :)

Author's Response: Aww!! Thank you so much!! You're the best! Tomorrow afternoon when I have more time I'll go through your short story too.

Rebekah & Madeline

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Review #10, by Inthenextlife Where Amelia meets an intruder

18th December 2013:
Amelia is just getting into all kinds of awkward situations! Haha I love her being the straight character amongst all these Sheilas and Fabians and Wrens who just make every conversation so weird. I liked Peter's singing! Can Amelia get together with Peter instead?

Author's Response: While I'm sure that she thinks him as adorable; Peter isn't very responsible. Amelia needs someone she can depend on.


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Review #11, by Inthenextlife Where Gideon gets picked on and Fabian gets very awkward

18th December 2013:
I love the Amelia/Fabian banter! And I'm kinda charmed by drunken Wren even if he is a weirdo.
This "We’ve been old family frien-"

“Family boyfriends!” Amelia interjected. “I mean,” she blushed, “that is to say, he’s my boyfriend-”

“Yessir,” said Fabian nodding emphatically, his neck quite pink, “yes, that is the situation we’re in.”

Author's Response: They're hilarious aren't they!?


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Review #12, by lemonpeeps Where a lot more than law happens in the office

14th December 2013:
Oh LORDY. Peter! This is great, good work you guys

Author's Response: Haha! Oh I know, Peter is CRAZY! Thanks so much!! :)


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Review #13, by lemonpeeps Where Amelia lays us out the deets

14th December 2013:
Aw, sibling love, so cute. I'm so glad I found this story, its so fresh and new. The plot is great and the writing is fantastic! Keep up the good work :)

Author's Response: Thanks!! We just uploaded the next chapater to be validated! Keep reading! :)


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Review #14, by Katie Where a lot more than law happens in the office

14th December 2013:
I really liked the flashback part! It's interesting to see what you guys envision wizard law school to be like. That Peter is certainly a character! I also enjoy that they're hanging out in a completely different wizarding quarter than Diagon Alley, there's a lot of freedom in that decision. Keep writing :)

Author's Response: We definitely tried to make Peter a little over the top, but hopefully he's still at least a little believable. And yeah, we thought it would be fun to give them fresh stomping grounds! Thanks for reading

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Review #15, by Elphaba and Boyfriends Where Amelia lays us out the deets

17th November 2013:
Hi, Elphaba here with your requested review! I apologize for taking so long to write it - NaNoWriMo has been getting the better of me so far.

Okay, so first of all: the plot - I really like your inclusion of the beginnings of the wizarding war, and that so far it is secondary to the personal issues Amelia faces: the aftermath of her one-night stand, and her job search. This seems realistic to me, big problems that don't directly affect us take a back seat to the stuff we're dealing with day to day, until something really big or disastrous happens to catch out attention. The only question I have is whether the year (1968) is a little early to have so many wizards disappearing. It's hard to imagine Harry's parents having somewhat normal school years when the war was already that heated. That's just a question in my mind, though, you could totally prove me wrong. :)

Next, the Quidditch commentary: I think the most interesting section of commentary involves Ike's anti-muggle slurs. I cringed as I read them, which demonstrates that you use use them effectively. I think that Ike's comments are believable after hearing clips of people in real life saying horrible things on TV. The other commentator is never identified, and I think it might be helpful to give him a name to make their back and forth dialog a little more clear. Hmm, I wonder whether Rita Skeeter was involved with the news story about Gideon's muggle girlfriend?

On to characterization: I like Orly and Amelia's banter, and Orly's well-meaning meddling into Amelia's job search. I also like how you show that Amelia has not been acting quite her usual self without making it over-the-top. Amelia seems especially well-developed and likable as a character so far. Towards the end of their conversation about Gideon, I got a little lost as to who was speaking. I think it would be helpful to identify that Orly is asking this question: "Then why say it to a magazine reporter?"

I enjoyed getting to know Amelia a little better in this chapter, and finding out more about the circumstances preceding her waking up in Fabian's bed. I'm most interested in reading more about (in no particular order) her job interview, what will happen next between her and Fabian and what Edgar and the others have been up to during their secret meetings with Dumbledore. I also wonder whether Amelia will tell Orly where she was that morning, or keep it a secret?

Author's Response: We're so glad you liked it! You might be right about it being a little early, but I don't think we'll be heating the war up very quickly at the moment. A lot of the decision to make the story start now was in that we wanted to give Fabian and Gideon enough time to live out their lives before the end we all know is coming to our brave Prewett brothers. When we eventually go and rewrite old chapters (ugh) we'll definitely keep your comments in mind.
Thanks again for all the help

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Review #16, by marauderfan Prologue

5th November 2013:
Hi there, here with your requested review!

I really liked your prologue. It's short, but I don't think it needs to be long - you've said a lot in a small number of words and that's a great talent. Also, I love that you've chosen to tell a story about Amelia and Fabian. Minor characters are my favourites, and these two aren't mentioned much in the books but played a big part in the war, so I'm really excited to see how things play out.

Your biggest strength in this chapter is your description - what the characters look like, the smell of the bakery, the feel of the breeze. I can picture the scene perfectly.

As for the characters' personalities - there's not a whole lot about them yet but I think this prologue definitely gives a glimpse into their personalities. Good job with Amelia particularly - I can tell that she seems like someone who normally thinks things over, hence her discomfort in this scene.

The transitions into dialogue were good! There's a lot of descriptive text in between but it's clear there's more thinking than talking aloud in the situation so it came across as perfectly normal to me.

There was one area where it might help to re-word a phrase slightly: and if Amelia had managed to find her way into it in a way she wasn't so embarrassed by,
This was a little confusing at first - I think it might work better as something like "and if Amelia hand managed to find her way into it by less embarrassing means"

Anyway, I think you've got a great start, and I look forward to reading more!

Author's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing! Yeah, we'll definitely have to go through and rework some of those old chapters, and I'll make a note of that suggestion. When we started thinking about making a story we looked for the less used characters so we could make their personalities without being subconsciously influenced by better stories. Thanks again for the help and please keep reading!

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Review #17, by Inthenextlife Where a lot more than law happens in the office

28th October 2013:
"The Caerphilly College Law School, was located in an old drafty castle, as this sort of location had apparently been decided upon by some group of ancient sorcerers to be the only appropriate place for a school of magical learning." psh lol
I really liked this chapter! I enjoy that you guys seem to be moving along with your plot without too much fluff in the middle.
Wren definitely seemed a little creepy to me, which is disappointing because I like the name Wren so much! And I loved the band names you chose. People seem to either go with the Weird Sisters, what's-her-face Celestia Warbeck?, or just modern Muggle bands. Creativity, I dig it.

Author's Response: Thanks for the review!

Haha I'm glad you liked the band names so much. Yeah Madeline and I noticed that's what most people went with so we decided to have a little more fun with the names!

It's so unfortunate Wren is turning out to be a creeper instead of the handsome boy Amelia spend law school with.

I hope you had a spectacular Halloween!


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Review #18, by 800 words of heaven Prologue

23rd September 2013:
Hello, there!

Ah, this was such a fantastic start! I'm really looking forward to seeing where this will lead. There hasn't been much in the way of character development yet, although it is just the prologue, so it wasn't as if I was expecting an entire character profile! However, I feel like I can already relate to Amelia on some level, and I am looking forward to getting to know Fabian and Gideon.

There aren't that very many stories set in this era, about these characters, or at least, those that I have seen, so I am reaaly excited to see where you take them and their stories.

Onward, to the next chapter!

Author's Response: Oh good! I'm glad you enjoyed the beginning.

Thanks for you time, I hope you enjoy the rest!


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Review #19, by Lucy Where Fabian has a hanger with his sibs

7th September 2013:
I enjoyed the sibling love in this story :) I wish my siblings were actually like that!And his mom! That's exactly how overbearing they can be :) You guys really pay attention to detail! Loved it

Author's Response: Thanks so much for reading! :) Have a superb day!


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Review #20, by Jenna Where Fabian has a hanger with his sibs

7th September 2013:
Are you trying to make Fabian come off as a drunk? Just curious. But it's wonderfully written.

Author's Response: Hahaha, yes! Just a tad. We're trying to make him borderline, thanks for noticing!


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Review #21, by silverashes Where Fabian has a hanger with his sibs

5th September 2013:
Hello again!

I'm sorry it took me so long to get over here! School just started up this week, and my life has been beyond hectic. I finally have a few minutes to myself *sighs*. Anyways! I really, really like what you have so far! To start off with the plot, my favorite part is that you have this witty, light-hearted, love fantasy thing entwined with the upcoming darkness. It just seems so realistic to me, but it also shows that even in dark times there can be certain kinds of light! Ahaha, sorry if that was too cheesy!

Now to the characters, the lovely characters. Well I think Fabian is adorable. His lusting after her for all of these years makes my heart melt. I really like his character. He's sweet and a little bit quiet, but he's perfect boyfriend material (let's send some hints to Amelia!!) We get to meet Molly! Yay! I loved the whole sibling hang-out sesh that happened towards the end. I love how Gideon and Molly were both so happy for him. They were both just as invested in setting Fabian and Amelia up as Fabian was himself! So cute! The flashback flowed gracefully with the rest of the chapter! I think it fit in nicely and added a bit of information. We got to see Fabian's side of the story from the fateful day of!

Overall another wonderful chapter! Nice work!

xx Rachel

Author's Response: Yay!! Thank you! Your reviews make me so happy :)

I know Amelia really needs to get her head on correctly Fabian is just too good to lose.


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Review #22, by Sara Where Amelia lays us out the deets

2nd September 2013:
i love your quidditch commentary! sounds so professional. i'm glad you guys are also goin to do some serious themes in this story

Author's Response: Oh good to hear, I always like good quidditch action! And thanks I really hope you stay with us!


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Review #23, by Elsa Prologue

2nd September 2013:
Oh my god!! You're so good at writing! I love how you create this tension between the characters. It's so light and humorous. Amelia sounds so adorable.

Author's Response: Oh thanks!! Haha you've made my day!! So many reviews today! YAY!

I'm really glad you like the story, lots more excitement to come


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Review #24, by Sara Prologue

2nd September 2013:
ive decided to read this whole thing, but i just wanted to say really fast that this seems like a really promising start and i'm excited to read the rest!

Author's Response: Thanks! You really should keep on reading! We're working on chapter images and chapter six! I'm excited to hear what you have to say :)


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Review #25, by Elphaba and Boyfriends Prologue

31st August 2013:
Hi, Elphaba here with your requested review!

First of all, I think you accomplish a great deal with only 606 words. :) You pack in a lot of sensory detail, evoking a strong mental image of the setting: "A breeze came through, bringing with it the voices of Diagon Alley and the smell of baking bread and cinnamon as shoppers ate at outdoor cafe tables in the late summer sunshine."

I like how deftly you show that he's feeling as awkward about the situation as she is: "At the sound of this fake yawn, Fabian paused in his fake work and the few inches of his neck above his shirt and below his wavy hair turned a deep pink."

I noticed a few too many commas used to splice sentences together, and think the flow may be better if you used parentheses -- as you did in a few other places to show Amelia's thoughts. This is the one that really sticks out: "He was already dressed in a white, v-neck t-shirt, that looked a little thin with age, but still nice and clean, with a pair of brown corduroy pants." You could place parentheses after "t-shirt" and "clean." I like how you show that he's not wealthy, by the way.

The strength of your descriptions, as well as the tension and humor you inject into this opening scene, are enough to make me want to keep reading. The time period and the characters involved naturally lead me to think that the original Order of the Phoenix will come into play, bringing intrigue and danger with it. That's definitely a story I'm interested in! :)

Author's Response: Oh good! Thank you so much! I'll talk about the comma splices with my co-author. I'm really glad you enjoyed reading it and I will be back to rerequest the next chapters!


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