Reading Reviews for Valour
  
15 Reviews Found

Review #1, by lolovgood The Beginning in the End

8th April 2014:
Really good so far. Nice job

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Review #2, by 800 words of heaven The Doubt in the Strength

23rd March 2014:
REVIEW TAG!

It's been simply ages since I read a Marauders fic about all the Marauders, and even longer since I read a serious one. I am so excited!

This is a super interesting start! Everything is appropriately mysterious and cryptic, as is fitting for a first chapter, I think. Dumbledore really doesn't like telling people the whole picture, does he? I wonder if that aspect of his personality will come in later on in the story as well.

The character I'm most excited about is Mary. She's the only Ravenclaw, the only one who has no idea what's going on, and she's the only one who seems to be showing the correct emotions in this situation - I'd be terrified and confused, too! Boo all the Gryffindors for pitying her!

Hopefully, I'll be back soon for chapter two! Fantastic start, once again :)

Author's Response: I'm happy you liked it so much! I am very excited to continue writing about Mary, and getting back into the forums is a surefire way to make me write!

Thanks


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Review #3, by anythingcouldhappen The Beginning in the End

19th February 2014:
Hi! I'm here with your requested review!

I like the way you set up the character's relationships with each other in this. That's always a big part of any story and you do a nice job in this. It helps that you give their names a lot. In further chapters, you probably won't need to do that as much but for now its helpful.

Right now, I think what's keeping the plot interesting is the flash-forwards. The commencement was nice, but its sort of hard to tell where the story is going in the 1978 timeline. With this being a wartime story, I think its important to show some of what they're doing for the Order soon. I do really like the flash forwards though! They make me curious!

I'm just going to point out a few grammar things I found:

" 'They're part of the Order now, Mary. Them and three others from their year.' She looked up at Lily in disbelief." This makes it sound like Mary just said that sentence. Maybe if you say "Lily said, as Marlene looked up in disbelief." Or similar :)

"The clapping came fast and very loud, and one face could be spotted from her place at the podium. Well, from her perspective, it was the only one she could see. James Potter." It seems a little repetitive to say "and one face" and then "it was the only one she could see" If you could find a way to combine these sentences, it would read a little smoother.

"Him and Dorcas were not of sound mind as of about half an hour earlier." This is a little awkwardly structured. Perhaps you could move some words around to make it clearer? Something like "Dorcas and Him hadn't been of sound mind for at least half an hour"

I'm sure other reviewers have pointed this out, but if you fix the big spaces between the paragraphs, it would be much easier to read :) It's just a matter of using the correct tool when you paste your text into the chapter box I think.

Great job! Hope this helped!

Sam

Author's Response: thank you so much for the great review and lengthy response! I'll take this into consideration when I go back for editing.

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Review #4, by anythingcouldhappen The Doubt in the Strength

16th February 2014:
Hi there!

I'll start with what I liked :) The little intro at the beginning was nice! It made me wonder how each character had gotten to the point they were at and how they were dealing with those positions they were in. It was definitely a good place to start.

In terms of characters, it was a little hard to follow who was who in the office. I think maybe you could have used their names rather than just saying "the long-haired one" or other terms. This is just my personal preference though.

Generally it flowed fine, but there were a few sentences that were a little jarring and I think could be phrased in a better way.

"His dad never mentioned the toll you took with this role." I think here you might want to say "His dad never mentioned the toll this role took on you".

"characteristically to May". Here I think it would make more sense to say "characteristic of May". Also, you might want to use another word besides "uncharacteristic" in the next sentence, just to avoid repetitiveness.

"The Scottish woman butt in very solemnly". This is just an awkward sentence to read. Maybe something like "The Scottish Woman solemnly interrupted".

"The same space they would be filled with in due time". Here, I think it just doesn't make a whole lot of sense to say that empty space would fill them. Perhaps you could say "the same emptiness they would be filled with"?

Overall, this is an interesting beginning! I think the main thing you need to work on is just crafting your sentences.

Great job! I hope this helped :)

Sam

Author's Response: Thanks so much for getting to this so quickly! I'm happy you liked the beginning, but I think you're right that my sentences get a bit confusing.

I think I just tried to be too cryptic and mysterious. I think I'll just have to make it easier to follow. Thanks for reaffirming that.

I'll go back and request as soon as you have space. This was a lovely review.

blackballet


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Review #5, by lindslo2012 The Doubt in the Strength

14th February 2014:
This was REALLY good. I liked it from the very beginning. I will read the rest when I ever get time! :D
I love stories that are talking about the war and I especially love when it involves Harry's parents.
You are a very talented author with a very good idea for a story!

Author's Response: You have no idea how much this just made my day! I have been hesitant about continuing any of my stories because of time restraints but I'm happy that someone likes this story. I have break now and will be writing (optimistically) five more chapters into it. I am happy to hear you enjoy!

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Review #6, by UnluckyStar57 The Beginning in the End

1st November 2013:
Hello again! Here's your prize review number three! :)

Ah, graduation. Brings back fond memories, it does! I thought it was rather appropriate that Lily spoke of beginnings when really, all of their lives would soon be ending, if not in the physical sense, in the mental/emotional sense. Good foreshadowing!

I found the moment when Marlene realized her feelings for Sirius just a little confusing. Could there possibly be a story behind that realization that will come into play later? I would like to see how she came to her conclusion of fancying him after so many years. And possibly his feelings, and if he feels something for her, the explanation behind his relationship with Dorcas. It's always fun to see how relationships came about!

Mary and Peter are being mysterious! Are they together, or is Peter off spying for Voldemort? Is Mary also a turncoat, or does she have a legitimate reason for being absent?

This will be a very cool story, I know it! Keep writing! :)

~UnluckyStar57

Author's Response: I'm happy that you like this! I'm really proud of this one (especially because it says that there are no similar stories!!). I took out the part about Marlene realizing her feelings for Sirius, because I felt it wasn't placed correctly. Your review really helped me get out of this rut!

Thanks so much :)


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Review #7, by UnluckyStar57 The Doubt in the Strength

1st November 2013:
Hi! I'm here with your second prize review from that challenge that I did a long time ago... :)

This is a really interesting beginning! I never thought about the beginnings of the original order, and it's quite intriguing that Dumbledore would look to some of the students as charter members. Why has he chosen these eight? Do they have special abilities that the other students don't? Does he want them to recruit their peers?

Because you didn't call the characters by their names in the office scene, I was a tad bit confused about who was who. I know which ones were James, Lily, and Mary McDonald, but who is the long haired boy? Sirius? And who is the blonde Gryffindor--Marlene or Dorcas? Also, who is the boy standing beside Mary? You might've wanted to be ambiguous about these names, and if that was your intention, that's great! However, if it wasn't, I would suggest that you give their names somewhere within the scene. But it isn't a big deal, really! :)

This was a great first chapter! Now I'm off to the next one!

~UnluckyStar57

Author's Response: Thanks so much! We will see soon why he's chosen them...

I also did want to make the beginning a bit obscure so people can go back to the beginning and compare characters once they get to know the characters. Believe me, it's a master plan all in my head.

Thank you so much for reviewing both of my chapters!


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Review #8, by Haronione The Beginning in the End

18th August 2013:
Hiya, I'm back for chapter 2 :)

So, I liked the start of this and the fact that you made at least one of the group unsure about what Dumbledore was asking them to join in to. While someone like Sirius would jump at the chance of physically fighting against Voldemort and his cause, I feel that it is realistic that there would be some of the group who would be unsure and scared. I also like how you have made it Mary to be the one who questions what they are being asked to do, and your reasoning for this. She is a bit of an outsider in this group and so doesn't have the bonds or the support (or at least she may feel that she doesn't) that the others do, and so it fits that she would have reservesations about the situation. I wonder what role she will play in this fic now that she has not joined the order - and whether something will happen to make her eventually join.

I also liked the Graduation ceremony scene and Lily's speech (although I'm not entirely sure what a commencement ceremony is - is it another name for graduation? Probably made myself look rather silly for asking that!) How true was Lily's speech though! It truly is the beginning for them, they are about to enter the 'real world' now and Merlin is it going to be different! I wonder if they all knew just how different life would be after that point.

I absolutely loved the idea that they would be leaving Hogwarts the way they entered it - via the boats. That would really round off their time at Hogwarts and make that last journey away from Hogwarts almost as special as the first journey into it! It is a shame we never saw the trio graduate, but I guess that would just not have fitted in to the story.

I sense a bit of a love triangle coming on between Sirius, Dorcus, Remus and Marlene (would that be a triangle if there are four of them?!). I look forward to seeing how that plays out and whether Marlene ever voices her feelings for Sirius. I have a feeling this could play havoc with the dynamics of the group!

Ooh, the ending is very intriguing! I'm left wondering who the girl is. My thoughts are Dorcus or Marlene - guess I'll have to wait to find out!

Sorry about my rambling in this review!

Haronione ♥

Author's Response: Wow thank you! This is really amazing. I always thought that it would be too easy if everyone automatically wanted to join the Order. Mary is still an important character, and you'll see that later.

I loved writing this! In America, it's just another name for a graduation. I tried to sneak that in by Lily mentioning her sisters graduation, but I guess it's not the same in the UK. I love graduations!

Maybe a bit of a love square.I don't know, she said conspicuously. Heehee, sorry I won't give anything away yet.

Thank you so much for your review, it was very nice and I'm glad you're enjoying it. It's great for me to hear your thoughts.


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Review #9, by academica The Beginning in the End

12th August 2013:
All right, back for chapter two for the review battle!

Okay, now we're starting to get to know your characters, and that's great. I really like how Mary is questioning the whole idea and her role in it. It seems realistic for a bunch of teenagers to be uncomfortable taking on such a huge responsibility.

I liked your commencement ceremony a lot, too. Sometimes I wish we could have witnessed Harry's graduation in the canon series, though I obviously understand how that was overshadowed by what actually happened with Voldemort. It was nice to see how that might have gone with Lily and friends, despite having the dark shadow of making such a major decision to muddle the day for some.

I wonder if Peter's mother actually has cancer or if it's just an excuse for him to go sneaking off. Or perhaps Voldemort offers to heal Peter's mother?

Your ending is intriguing, too. My instinct says maybe it's Mary being interrogated, but I'm not sure, since she doesn't know the group that well.

I would suggest that you avoid marking off time as you shift back and forth. If you want to do a brief flashback, like you did with June 1981, maybe set it off with asterisks or dashes or put it in italics. You can also do a horizontal line to mark it off.

Nice work! Much improved over chapter one.

-Amanda

Author's Response: Thanks so much! I feel like Mary would be the one to question it all because she really isn't comfortable with them at all yet.

I loved writing the ceremony, and I think it went really well. I loved writing it, and now I want to be valedictorian just to use some of this.

You'll have to wait and see.dun dun dun. Sorry, I'm a bit dramatic sometimes.

I know exactly who it is, and I think you'll be surprised if you continue reading to the end.

Yes, I think I will change it to that, although not all the time changes will be to June, 1981 in the future. I'll have to think about it, but thanks for the suggestion!

I'm so happy you liked this chapter even more than the first. I can't wait to update.


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Review #10, by AlexFan The Beginning in the End

12th August 2013:
This is the first time that I've read a story that moves back and forth through time but you make it work. I'm thinking that you've got a lot of this planned out otherwise it would be difficult to write this. I could be wrong of course.

I'm enjoying this story of yours lots more than the other ones, I like the writing and the pace of everything a lot more and the characters are better as well.

This was a good chapter and I hope to read more of your story!

Author's Response: It is very fun to write! And wow, I do have a lot planned. Otherwise, I would end up having loopholes galore later on. I have a ton of notes about it on a separate word document.

I'm glad you like this and are honestly enjoying it. Thanks for your lovely review!


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Review #11, by Haronione The Doubt in the Strength

11th August 2013:
Hi blackballet, haronione back for another review :)

I liked the approach you used to introduce the characters and give the readers a vague idea of each characters role in the story. I've not seen this used before.

I liked the way the story starts from Dumbledore inviting them into the order and am interested to see the characters and plot develop from here. This second section of the chapter needs reformatting though as there are no gaps between paragraphs or dialogue which I found made it quite hard to read. I like the idea of Dumbledore calling them all to his office to invite them to the order before they leave Hogwarts. However, at the end of the meeting he asks them 'Please, take into account everything you have learned here' but it seems that they actually didn't learn anything new in the meeting. I just feel that the meeting could have been a bit longer and more information imparted.

That being said this was a great start and I look forward to reading more :)

Haronione ♥

Author's Response: Thank you! I know this chapter is a bit of a mess right now, which I'm so annoyed with myself at. I'm glad you found the beginning interesting at least.

There I meant all the things they've learned at Hogwarts, not in that specific meeting. I can see where the confusion comes in, so I'll fix that as well.

Thank you for your lovely review!


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Review #12, by AlexFan The Doubt in the Strength

11th August 2013:
Something new to read! I'm going to take a crack and guess that you like writing marauder era things.

I have to say though that I'm liking this so far, it's probably one of my favourite things that you've written. I think you captured Dumbledore's character perfectly, the way that he spoke and acted seemed spot on to me.

The date changes were done really well. Sometimes it can be a bit hard moving through time in a story because it makes your writing choppy but I think you pulled it off really well here.

Not a bad start to a story and I enjoyed it!

Author's Response: Oh, I'm glad you like it! And yes, I love marauder era. I swear, the next thing I write will be completely different. I swear!

I don't know how or why but people seem to like this better, and I think my writing is better in it as well. And oh Dumbledore is such a hard character to use, but I love him.

Thank you for coming over here and reading this! Now I'm off to check out all the new features to the site.


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Review #13, by navyfail The Doubt in the Strength

10th August 2013:
Hi! I am here from the Ravenclaw Review Battle.

You do have a main cast of eight characters it seems like. I do like that you introduced all of them already but I feel like I don't know any of them. Maybe adding in more about them and characterization in the next chapter will add on to their personalities? At some places of the story things get a little confusing since you didn't address most of them by their names.

"The redhead and the dark haired bespectacled one clasped hands nervously, as did the longer haired boy, and the blonde Gryffindor." Here I can tell the first two are Lily and James but the other two I am not sure. The long-haired one is probably Sirius but there was no clue on who the blonde Gryffindor was.

Though I have to give it to you, you set up the mood nicely. I can feel the tension and worry in the air. How all of them act toward each other is great. You can see that most of them have some kind of understanding.

All in all, congrats on starting another story.
Clearly this story has a lot of potential.
Great job.
~Sama

Author's Response: I do! It is a big cast to work with, but I think I'll be able to do it. All of that will be set up in the next chapter, and you will see who's who. I work a lot anonymity for some reason.

I'm glad you think this will be able to go somewhere, and see potential.

Thanks for your review!


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Review #14, by academica The Doubt in the Strength

10th August 2013:
Hi, I'm here for the Ravenclaw Review Battle!

I liked the repetition in the beginning of this chapter. I do think some of the sections were confusing--for example, if Dorcas was born to play her role, why would she not be prepared for it? However, a lot of them were really quite poetic.

I admit that I found the main part of this chapter confusing. I get the sense that it was meant to be a sort of vague prologue, which I can appreciate, but I feel like it contained a few too many holes. I don't know if you have a habit of proofing before you post, but if not, I definitely recommend re-reading to look for any logical flaws or confusing sections that your readers might also pick out. For instance, it seemed like there were relationships established among several couples in the room already--so why had they never all been in the same room before? At one point, you also said that Dumbledore 'broke the noise,' but from what I read, things were really quiet in the room already. In addition, it's kind of confusing that Dumbledore would ask them to think about joining the Order but wouldn't really tell them what it entailed, and no one asked specific questions about it. You might benefit from having a beta come through and help you identify these weak areas.

One thing I would also suggest is using the Simple Editor in the future when posting new chapters/stories. Doing so will eliminate those large gaps of space you have between your paragraphs and just make the story look nicer.

I think this review will come across as a bit critical, so let me just say that I think this definitely has potential and it'll be interesting to see how you distinguish your Marauders story from the others. It's nice to see you focus on the war right off the bat, too, because that's often lost in fics from this era. I'd just be a little more mindful of the details.

Nice start :)

-Amanda

Author's Response: Thank you so much! This chapter was so hard to write, and I appreciate you being critical. It really helps me with the editing process. I did go over it a couple of times, but more for spelling and grammar than anything.

When I said that they had never all been in the same room before, I was mainly speaking about Mary, who is the lone Ravenclaw. She will play a big part in the development, so I wanted to make it clear that she didn't really have many connections. I guess that wasn't clear enough, sorry. I'll definitely embellish that part(details) more, and make everything a lot clearer.

Thanks so much for your review. I really needed it!


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Review #15, by Mnemosyne_Morrigan The Doubt in the Strength

10th August 2013:
First of all, praise heavens for the minors!
Well, maybe Remus or Sirius aren't that minor, but Dorcas, Mary, Marlene, other members of The Order are. And I'm always feeling like there isn't enough stories about them.

Tough to make any hard opinions as it's only the beginning of the story. Those few sentences, each for every member, are mysterious. It seems they reveal something about the part each of them had to play, but it's still enigmatic. Especially Marlene and Dorcas. I assume, or better say I hope, you will dedicate acute attention to everyone.

Sometimes I was lost, trying to understand who's who and who's speaking at the time. There are a few words missing in some of the sentences. e.g. "I'd like to give you each until the end of your schooling here to think about this" - I think you lost "time" somewhere. But I like the careful, cryptic composition of words, so characteristic for Dumbledore.

So I'm waiting for the next chapter ;)

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm so excited for this story, you have no idea. I love minor characters as well.

There will be like mixing between the years (1978-1981 throughout the whole novel) in every chapter, so I think that's what will make this more interesting. I will definitely give everyone equal attention, because I think everyone has had and will have their own stories within the large one.

It's my first time not writing in first person, so I've had a little trouble with the speaking. I think I'm just going to have to first two chapters in third POV and then switch it to first for the rest.

I've always loved writing Dumbledore even though it's a struggle. It's just so much fun!

Thanks for your review, and I'll update soon.


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