Reading Reviews for Valour
  
33 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Frankie05 The Beginning in the End

1st August 2015:
Okay.

So much happening in this chapter. The initial set off of them explaining the Order to Mary was good. I can completely understand her reservations. On top of that I am so sad about Peter and his lack of confidence. Doesn't he know that turning into an Animagus takes an extremely powerful wizard? The dialogue seems a bit forced but I think dialouge is one of the hardest things to write. With more practice, it should get easier.

I liked how your labeled the rest of the chapter with month and years and it didn't necessarily go in chronological order. You are unique andirons enjoy that!

That first 1981 paragraph. Ouch. The loss of innocence is sad especially since they are what? 20? 21?

I liked Lily's commencement speech. It was so full of hope. I liked how you mentioned that some scoffed at the idea of a muggleborn giving this speech. It truly shows the turmoil of the wizardjnf world right now.

I don't wanna believe it but was that the first time they told each other they loved each other?! So cute. Even if not- I still liked it. We are headed to the nail place if you want to join us😋. We can come get you!

The bar scene was interesting. Peter wasn't there because he mom "got cancer". I am a little skeptical of the rat.. And Mary decided not to join up. That makes me sad. Real sad. I do enjoy the laughter and the freedom they are experiencing in this moment. They are still only teenagers and way too much is going on for them to be so sad all the time.

Dorcas and Sirius. Interesting. I think this is the first story that I've read where they are paired together. And James and Lily are adorable. And we're back to the other woman. Is Marlene wanting Sirius or James? Because there is only one right answer and she can't have him yet because he's taken?! And poor Remus. Clearly he's into the girl but she doesn't reciporcate :/.

Who's that girl in the last section? Marlene? Mary? Can't wait to read the rest. And is she getting tortured by Voldmort?

Frankie

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Review #2, by Frankie05 The Doubt in the Strength

1st August 2015:
Catherine-

The opening sequence slays me. Marlene McKinnon- other woman?! For who? Oh mercy this is going to be good. I like how each person has a expectation of whatever roll they are playing and then the reality sets in. It's very good.

Interesting way of starting out the story. I enjoyed it. It's a unique writing technique to not use their names and to just address them by their descriptions. I like that take on things.

It seems to be a very somber meeting and I'm curious why Dumbledore picked these eight to do something. Are most of them paired up? Is that why Dumbledore asked Remus to explain to Mary? And who is this Mary person. I can feel the awkwardness rolling off of her to be in the same room with the Marauders, and the girls who probably spent the most time with them. And she was chosen for this high intense meeting and is clearly uncomfortable. This was an interesting take on Dumbledore wanting to invite the others into the Order. I'm curious as to why there aren't many adults in the order yet.

Excited to read more,
Frankie

Author's Response: Oh poor Marlene. You'll understand pretty soon what that means, and it causes a lot of tension in the group.

I think that just describing them by their appearances helps readers identify the characters more easily later on in the novel. Maybe I'm wrong, but I know it helps me!

There actually are people already in the order, and you'll meet them in the chapters to come, but Dumbledore needs new recruits.

Thanks so much for your review (and I'm glad you enjoyed the very beginning)


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Review #3, by moonbaby11 The Beginning in the End

30th July 2015:
Another very interesting chapter! I have to admit it, it's refreshing to read a Marauders story that doesn't have humour as one of the main genres, as I think that's the majority of the longer stories set in that era on the archives. There were some moments that did make me laugh, though, and I think that's because your portrayals of James and Sirius seem very spot-on. They're not too over the top. They feel just right. Speaking of characterization, I'm liking your Peter as well. You've written him so that he fits into the group and that they all care about him, not like he's just some person they all put up with because they have to and then toss to the side, which is something else I see a lot in Marauders era fics.

The commencement speech was really good and all the little details you added into that scene (the blood purists sighing, the fact that they leave on the boats, etc.) were all really interesting to me and helped to complete the moment. I'm intrigued to see where the story goes now that the group is out in the 'real world' and are members of the Order. I also really want to know what's happening with Marlene and her lack of feelings for Remus. I'm thinking she has feelings for Sirius (or maybe Mary? I kinda caught a bit of that vibe near the beginning) which will obviously create some tension in the group.

The only thing that I think really threw off the flow was the last flash-forward at the end of this chapter. Quite honestly I found it confusing and unnecessary. That may just be because we don't know what's happening yet, but I think you could've ended it with Remus dropping of Marlene at her house and that would've been fine.

Overall, you have a strong second chapter and the start to an interesting story on your hands. I've really enjoyed doing these reviews for you so, if you want more, just drop by my thread again! I'd be happy to read more of this fic.

Author's Response: I was never very good with humor, but I love the marauders. It's kind of ironic, but I love writing it! I love that you like my marauders because sometimes I'm not too proud of Peter. Maybe it's because I secretly hate him, oops.
I love how you've made your own ideas about the relationships! I really never even thought about Marlene and Mary as a couple, thing, but now that you bring it up... I'm not saying anything, but it is a very intriguing idea!
The flash forwards may seem unnecessary, but they are important to the story. I will add page breaks, and maybe that will make it smoother.

Thanks for your reviews, and I will definitely re-request!


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Review #4, by moonbaby11 The Doubt in the Strength

29th July 2015:
So, I have to say that this story is intriguing from the get-go. It starts off right away with a flash-forward, sort of giving the reader a glimpse as to what will happen but not giving away enough for us to actually know for sure what's going on. It's the perfect amount of information - enough to keep us intrigued but not too much that we can already predict how the story will turn out.

I didn't notice any flow problems here. Nothing seemed to jump around too much and I never found myself struggling to figure out where we were or what was happening, so don't worry with this one. This chapter was short but, as it's your first one, it felt almost like a prologue so the length was acceptable. I think this was a good way to introduce us to the characters by giving the readers a little snippet of their personalities so that they're interested and want to stick around for more. And, speaking of characters, I think your Dumbledore is spot on. There were a few times where I could actually hear his voice in my head, so that was great!

One thing I did notice is that Dorcas is the only one who doesn't have the 'almost' in their sentence. It really threw me off nd I actually had to go back and read it to make sure I didn't simply miss it. I'm not sure if that was intentional or not, but it really stands out in comparison to the seven other sentences at the beginning of the chapter. I would suggest looking into that but, other than that one thing, I don't have any complaints about this chapter! It's a great intro and it leaves me wanting more! I can't wait to read chapter 2.

Author's Response: You definitely boosted my confidence with this chapter. I was nervous posting it because Dumbledore was such a big part of it and I have a difficult time writing him no matter what.

I will definitely go back and edit Drocas' intro sentence. That part is really important, so thanks for pointing it out!

This review was perfect, so thanks for getting to it so quickly!

blackballet


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Review #5, by RavenclawFTW The Luck in the Few: Part II

29th July 2015:
Hey Catherine! Here for the review. Ahhh its hard to leave a long and thoughtful review after a cliffhanger like that! I cant wait to see what happens next!

So what has really stood out to me throughout this story so far is how wonderfully youve characterized and developed this cast of characters already! I like how many dynamics are in play and that you havent dragged down the narrative by doing a big info dump thats kinda awkwardly worked in. Youve let the characters reveal themselves much more naturally, and in a novel like this is en route to becoming, that works much better. It also leaves a bit more up to the reader to understand and internalize, which is great. I think thats something people sometimes struggle with when they start on a novel and already have a clear idea of the characters, but youve really let it develop naturally. So great job with that!

On top of your approach, I love the characters youve written, and how youve fleshed out their relationships. Im a huge Jily fan and they seem so realistic and close here-- youve done a great job establishing a stable relationship without hitting the reader over the head with it. They have history and they love each other, and that shines through. I love this Lily so much, and how much everybody seems to trust her and how caring she is to everybody in her own way. Her talk with Sirius was perfect and helpful and to the point. I love her friendships with the other girls and how that kind of mirrors the Marauders. You do such a great job showing how comfortable they all are together and how well they get along, even though theres tension beneath it at times (Dorcas and Marlene, man). They all seem so distinct but work well together.

Moving onto the Marauders...I love how slightly unhinged Sirius is, but his friends are there to help and support him and remember what he used to be like. He feels raw and realistic and flawed, and Im excited to see where he goes. Remus and Peter are a bit less notable just because of their characters, but Remus seems so in character with canon and protective of everybody all the time. The Marauders just make so much sense as a close-knit group, as theyre different but complementary.

A small thing that I love is how many nicknames you weave throughout the story. I feel like thats a great way of showing the rapport between the characters and its just a normal thing that friends do! So its nice to see that realistic touch. I think youve done a great job weaving the Order and their missions into the story and making it vague but believable. I wasnt bogged down in the details, but it felt like there is a lot going on and it makes sense what theyre doing.

Basically, I really like the characters and plot so far!! All that being said, there were some things that kinda stuck out to me that could use a bit of work. I dont want to discourage you or anything-- I really love this story so far, but this stuck out from an otherwise tight story.

First off, there were a few tiny canon slip ups that I noticed. Mary is a Gryffindor in canon, and Molly wasnt in the Order in the First Wizarding War (shedve had several kids at this point-- actually all but Ron and Ginny I think?). Those arent super important big picture, but I just wanted to point them out if you didnt know. If you leave that in, its totally fine, but maybe mention something about it in an AN or something? As a reader Im always slightly thrown when somethings suddenly different than canon, so just acknowledging it and moving on may be good.

The next thing that stuck out to me was how you write dialogue. You do a great job giving the characters different voices and keeping everything clear, but you sometimes run into a rut of using said like five times in a row. The prose couldve been a bit clearer if you varied it up to help convey the emotions going on sometimes, or just synonyms for said. (eg instead of said: cried, yelled, whispered, etc. or even just added, commented, told, etc.) Another thing I noticed in some of your dialogue was youll have somebody asking a question without a question mark-- like Whats that, Sirius asked, when it should be Whats that? Sirius asked. (That was a made up example.) Small thing, but if you tightened that up it could read a little clearer.

There were also a few times in dialogue when you had uncontracted it is or you are or something like that which just read as a little formal for the characters. There were a few times when I also noticed something like this quote: She walked firmly up the hill, skipping every other step to get as far away from James as possible in the shortest possible amount of time. where you repeat a word twice in a sentence (possible in this case) and it just reads a tiny bit awkwardly.

I think a lot of these errors are just like little things that happen when you post right after finishing a chapter or dont proofread super closely before posting. So maybe take a break after finishing chapters and do something else before going back over it? Sorry if you already do that-- thats just been a problem for me in the past so I may be projecting haha.

Also, I love how youre jumping around in time. Its really adding to the suspense, but its a tiny bit hard to follow sometimes. Something that could help clarify the sections to me is if you bolded the time changes? Its not a huge change but I just think it could emphasize those changes better. Along the same vein, between the sections it could be cleaner if you added the section break lines to demonstrate the change, and in a few of the chapters have a lot of spaces between the paragraphs. If you went back over chapters to check that before posting, it could be easier to read.

Sorry if I got nitpicky at the end-- I just wanted to be constructive and helpful! I really like this story and Im really excited to see where it goes. :)

--J

Author's Response: Hi J! Thanks for giving me such a great review. I can’t wait to read it!

Oh I am so happy the characterization panned out. I am really trying to keep each character distinct, so I go back to the beginning all the time to make sure I'm on track. I'm happy that there isn't too much information for the reader, because I was especially nervous about that in the first chapter especially.
I needed the characters to have a backstory for this to work, and I'€™m so happy it'€™s just enough to make you understand the relationships. Lily is one of my favorite characters to write. In the beginning of the novel, she is a little gentle and trusting, and she will gain a little more backbone as the novel progresses. Dorcas and Marlene have a lot of tension, but they truly love each other just like everyone else. There are flash backs in addition to the flash forwards, so you'€™ll see why Dorcas and Marlene have their tension if you haven't guessed already!
Sirius is probably the most broken and lost without Hogwarts. He has his friends of course, but Hogwarts was the place where he had the most joy in his life, and now there is little to no joy. He is having a tough time with that. Remus is my second favorite character to write because he is the voice of reason in the group, but has times where he acts emotionally just as you would expect from a Gryffindor. I'™m also so glad that you like my marauders because I'm always nervous writing canon characters!
The nicknames are just another way to show how close they were in Hogwarts. Remus calls Marlene "M", Marlene called Dorcas "Doe", and James calls Lily "Lils".
I definitely need to go through and re-read everything. I need to watch out for repeating words in sentences and even throughout chapters. I need time for a heavy editing session! I definitely need a break in between writing and posting because sometimes I just get so excited and proofread without taking a moment.
I think I'm going to italicize the flash forward and flash back sections. And I will add the section breaks whenever the story changes scenes. That was really helpful!

Thank you again so much for the review. It was really helpful and gave me my confidence back about this story and my writing in general. I'll think about editing the out of canon parts, or I will take your advice and edit in an author€™s note. This was perfect!
blackballet


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Review #6, by tangledconstellations The Doubt in the Strength

22nd July 2015:
Hey there!

I'm here with your requested review from the forums :) how are you? I hope you are good and dandy and the sun is shining where you are.

So, to start with, I thought this chapter was really, really great. The story you're going to tell here has already grabbed my attention, and I like that instead of focusing on one or two characters you're going to be showing eight characters instead. It feels very original and it means there's a lot of scope for all sorts of exciting things to happen! What was most striking to me was the way each character got the same amount of focus time in this introductory chapter. I liked the massive foreshadowing, the expectation that things aren't going to work out okay - which from canon, we know is sort of imminent. It really carries the chapter along, and provides a hook that makes the reader want to keep on going.

Something that is definitely worth mentioning too is how successfully you've managed to pull of the sort of mysterious, ominous tone. Everything is very serious and subtly dramatic, which again works wonders for setting up later intrigue. I especially liked the way Mary wasn't quite sure what was going on - it made the meeting and the Order of the Phoenix that much more elite and secretive. This was really refreshing to read, because in canon Harry is always in the know (just about) and so in some ways the dangers of the Order are pushed onto the backburner - perhaps because he's so heroic and the Order he sees is already kitted with experience and battle scars. But here, it was very clear that this group of eight are just students that don't really know how they can help just yet. They don't have roles, they don't feel quite grown up enough but they do have this fresh willingness to help. It was really, really nice to see.

One of the things you mentioned in your areas of concern was about the flow. I do know what you mean and I do think it's possible to make this chapter read a lot more smoothly. The tone you have and what actually goes on in this chapter is fine - it really works. But there is something about it that makes it a bit like, 'stop-start' as you're reading it, despite it being really good. For me I think it's the use of the repetition that you've included here. For example, there is already a sort of 'stop-start' effect from your first section, where you introduce the characters with a similar wording. I totally understand that you've done this for effect, and it does work - it makes the chapter feel really ominous. I think it was a good move to put that section first, however, I wonder whether rephrasing a few of those sections might add more of a flow? They all follow a similar style; their name, their role, a bit of info and a line of foreshadowing. I don't think this is necessarily a bad thing as this really does denote the tone, but each of the character profile bits don't follow on from each other, and I think that's where the problem lies. Every time a new character profile starts, the reader is sort of going back to the beginning and recreating a whole new character. BUT I think this could be easily fixed, and so the pace of this chapter could be upped a lot. For example, maybe if you kept the format that you have, you could have the characters last line (the foreshadowing one) gradually escalate and become more dramatic/evocative the more characters we read. So, by the time the reader reaches the last character, something has been built up between all of them. Eek I hope that makes sense!

There was one other area that I thought you might be able to change, to free the flow up slightly, and that was with this part, 'The students looked around at each other again. James to Lily, Lily to Dorcas, Dorcas to Sirius, Sirius to Remus, Remus to Marlene, Marlene to Mary, and Mary to Peter.' While I think this is good because you're showing us who is in the room, and its a really visual moment, on the page the repetition of 'Lily, Lily, Remus, Remus' etc is a bit jarring on the eye. I really think just taking out the extra use of their name and rephrasing it a bit would make this read a lot better, but you could still keep the actual motion of them looking to each other.

Apart from these two things I've pointed out, for me there wasn't anything else about the chapter that I thought needed changing. I really, really enjoyed it - but I totally understand where you're coming from, when you've edited a chapter lots and you still can't get it quite right. But this was fab, and it makes me really excited for the chapters to come! Your characterisation is really good and your writing is awesome. I hope this review helped and gave you food for thought, or feel free to message me on the forums if I haven't explained myself very well! :D

Laura ♥ xxx

Author's Response: Hello! Upon seeing the length of this review, I became intimidated so I apologize for not answering right away. Here we go!

Your reaction overall is just what I was looking for. It needs to basically be obvious that things are not going to go well for this story to have the proper effect, so I'm glad that came across.

I always wanted to bring to light the original Order. They are heroes to the HP universe just as much as DA in my opinion. They are feeling just like the Golden Trio, but even less informed. People are even more scared, and even more clueless.

I understand about the introduction to the characters. I've been playing around with that since I first posted, but nothing better has come of it. I will keep trying, but I'm having a hard time connecting them all smoothly. Maybe luck will strike later tonight!

That part is basically in the same boat as the intro. It is awkward, but it needs to be addressed. Other reviews mentioned that without that, it was difficult to even know who was in the room. That one might have to stick, but thanks for the input. I'll see what I can do with it.

I'm so excited that you basically enjoyed it, and can't wait to request from you again. You're truly a great reviewer/editor.


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Review #7, by Emma The Alarm in the Actuality

14th July 2015:
How have I only just discovered your story? It's five chapters in for goodness sake?!!

Well anyway, I love it! Everything about it! I love your portrayal of the four boys, in particular I think you've captured Remus really well in what I've read so far!

I really love that you've included Marlene and Dorcas! As a huge Marauders-era/first Order of the Phoenix fan I always secretly hope they would have been the same age as the Marauders and friends with them (and maybe a little more!) but that's just me!

You write really well, with few errors and your style is fluid and has really captured my attention and imagination! I like the darkness of your fic, it makes a nice change from the usual portrayal of the boys at Hogwarts causing havoc.

I think I've said the word 'love' a lot throughout this review so I'll leave it there. But I'll be back...

Author's Response: I can't believe you've respond so well to this! I'm so glad that you like it, and as I get farther into the novel I will go back and try to smooth over any bumps.

The sixth chapter should be up tomorrow or the day after that. Summer vacation is great for writing!

blackballet


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Review #8, by Anonymous The Alarm in the Actuality

13th July 2015:
I really like what I've read of this fic so far, can't wait to see an update :)

Author's Response: this means so much to me! i have the next chapter almost completed so it will be up within the week!

thanks again


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Review #9, by The Basilisk The Doubt in the Strength

19th March 2015:
Hello! It'ss me, the Bassilisssk!

I love the repetitive format of the first few lines. It's really powerful and brings forwards the main issues without having completely strange exposition. :P There's a heck of a lot of dialogue, but it doesn't seem to get too confusing. The only thing that made it kind of hard to read was the spacing. There should be a line between each one in order to make it easier on the eyes. I know that spacing is hard when copy and pasting, though. It can be really frustrating. :P But I definitely like what you've got there. I'm incredibly glad I got the opportunity to read this story, so thank you! I'm not usually one for this genre, but I enjoyed this story. You may just convert me, yet! :P

(I've decided to post 44 reviews over the next little while. Each one of them has a character at the bottom. If you can find all 44 reviews (not all are out yet, so keep your eyes peeled) and rearrange the letters into a quote from Harry Potter and PM it to WriteYourHeartOut on the forums you could win a donation to HPFF in your name!)

Thankss again!

The Bassilisk

H

Author's Response: thanks so much for your input. I'm trying to fix the spacing a little bit a at a time, but it is tedious. i'm glad that you enjoyed overall!!

blackballet


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Review #10, by marauderfan The Doubt in the Strength

24th December 2014:
Hi! I'm here with your requested review :)

I love the contrasts you established between your eight lead characters in the beginning. It's very strong and shows just what directions the story might be going.

The tone you've created just in this short chapter is really great too. It's dark and foreboding, just how it should be, for teenagers about to be facing a war. You conveyed the gravity of the situation very nicely, in Dumbledore's very serious tone, the confusion of some of the students, and the way Lily and James held on to each other's hands - little things that really demonstrated this dark tone.

One thing I think would help a lot would be to add a space between your paragraphs in the May 1978 section, as right now it's kind of a big chunk of text.

Content wise: Perhaps this is just me getting ahead of myself, as you might go into this in future chapters that I've not read yet, but it seems Dumbledore is being very cryptic, like a bit too cryptic, given the conditions he's asking these students to adhere to. Mary doesn't seem to know anything about Voldemort at all. So is Voldemort just making his presence known at this time, or has Mary just been sheltered while James and Lily have already learnt of Voldemort? Either way, I'm confused about why some of the students seem to grasp why this is so important, and others are utterly lost. So I think... either a tiny bit more information from Dumbledore to get everyone on the same page, or at least a reason why he's not revealing any more information, might be a helpful thing to add.

Otherwise this is really great chapter and the setup is very powerful, it promises to be a great story. Nice work! :)

Author's Response: I completely agree with you on everything. When I first wrote this, I wasn't really sure how to convey Dumbledore. Now that I'm finally going back to it, I am going to edit the first chapter to be more realistic.

Thank you for your time!

blackballet


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Review #11, by toomoony The Pain in the Heart

18th December 2014:
HI! It's toomoony here with your review!

I really enjoy the layout of this story. Sometimes it can feel a little jumpy, but it is still clear and easy to follow.

This story really began to pull me in around chapter 3. I really like your interpretation of how the Order works, like the different missions and assignments that they have. I really love it.

I also think that you're doing a great job with the characterization. Even though a few of the characters are not as well known, I think that you're doing a marvellous job bringing them to life and tying them into the Marauders storyline.

Usually the Marauders are written so playfully and lightheartedly, but I am really captivated by the darkness of their story and how working for the Order must have really changed their lives. As a reader of HP you don't really consider the hardships that they must have faced, but the way that you are writing it is very well thought and you have a lot of great ideas.

You shouldn't worry about your dialogue. I think that you write it perfectly fine, there's nothing obvious that I noticed about it.

Overall your story was a very interesting and nice read. You should definitely continue with this. I think that it could really become amazing.

Happy writing!

toomoony xx

Author's Response: This was duch a confidence booster! Thanks so much for your reassurances! I have always felt that this part of the story was more ignored than any other, and I'm glad that you understand why it's so dark. I'm so happy you responded well to it!

thanks again
blackballet


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Review #12, by Gabriella Hunter The Pain in the Heart

3rd October 2014:
Hello!

This is Gabbie from the forums with your review and I'm sorry that I'm a few days late. I was going to get to this yesterday but my wifi died and it was a major pain.

Anyhoo, on to this! It seems like the War is only getting darker and darker. Marlene and Sirius make an interesting pair but I like that they're able to do their jobs without losing focus. There were a few moments when their pasts might have come up but they quickly pushed it aside and I think that they did it on purpose, they didn't want to talk about their old wounds, I suppose?

Sirius's attitude and his quick thinking were really well written too. I think that he had more of an idea of what to expect than Marlene when they were stopped by that Death Eater in the streets. It helps when you're a bit more street smart and while they're currently lost, I'm thinking that they might grow together as a team and repair their friendship. There's obviously something broken there.

I liked the bit with James and the others too in this chapter. They were getting along so well while also balancing what they had to do for the Order as well. Remus didn't exactly do as well as he'd wanted but that's to be expected right now, he'll improve over time I'm sure. Hahahahah.

Now, what I really loved about this chapter was the ending with James and Lily. Usually in that sort of situation, James might have taken advantage of what she was offering but he really showed a good strength of character by not sleeping with Lily while she's upset. I kind of awwwed at that part. Hahahaha.

I think that this was a good chapter, your flow was pretty darn awesome and while I think the transitions could be a bit slower, everything else was great!

Much love,

Gabbie

Author's Response: Thank you so much for this review! I had pretty low confidence in posting this, so I'm happy you enjoyed this.

I'll work on lengthening my transitions, and making them flow with more ease.

I'm so excited to write more for you to review!


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Review #13, by Gabriella Hunter The Chaos in the Order

29th September 2014:
HellO!

This is Gabbie from the forums with your review and it's been a minute, hasn't it? I was wondering what had happened with this story and I'm glad that you've returned. :D

I could tell from just this chapter that a lot of things have changed for the group. I'm sort of feeling like the weight of responsibility is all getting to them in different way. I'm not sure what's going on with Sirius though, he's in some kind of strange temper and I could really agree with Lily when she talked to him about it. Did the Vance's murder really affect him so badly or is it something else? I couldn't help but wonder but I noticed that he still has something with Mary? Or nothing at all, I wonder what's going on behind the scenes.

Mary is coming off as very capable and I think that it must have been really hard for her to talk to Mr. Vance. There was an air of sadness in that scene that I thought was written very well and I really would like to know what happens after that.

I wonder what's going on with Mary though towards the end. Who was this mysterious man? What did he want from her? I'm really curious and I hope you clear that up in the next few chapters!

This was a good chapter, I think and I've got a feeling that you're building up to some really great drama!

Much love,

Gabbie

Author's Response: Hello there! I'm so happy you were hoping for me to re-request, and I'm sorry it took me so long. Your spots were filling up quickly!

Sirius is really affected by the war. He's not dealing with it very well, even though that's the exact opposite of what you'd think. You will see exactly what it is in a couple of chapters. Also, I think you meant Marlene?

Mary is trying her best to stay positive while keeping out of the war. I'm so happy you liked her parts with Mr. Vance. I'm so excited now to write more for her!

Thanks so much fort he review. I'll request ASAP


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Review #14, by Fan The Pain in the Heart

21st September 2014:
I really like your story. I'm curious and eager to read a new chapter!

Author's Response: thank you so much! I'll be updating this weekend hopefully

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Review #15, by Gabriella Hunter The Beginning in the End

5th September 2014:
HELLO!

This is Gabbie from the forums with your review and I apologize for being so late. I've been really sick these past few days and just barely managed to feel better and it was an adventure, let me tell you. Hahaha.

Anyhoo, on to this! I was wondering when you were going to be stopping by again and I'm glad to be getting back into the groove of this story. I like that you had the group discussing what the Order was in the beginning and I think that their personalities really came across well, I didn't think that any of them were just floating around in the scene, they all had equal say. Mary's fears about joining of course were really realistic in the situation, I'm glad that you didn't have everyone being readily on board and that there was some actual fear and anxiety. The time jumps were a little confusing at first but I was able to follow along easily enough after a while and I really enjoyed the speech that Lily gave at their graduation (This is the first Hogwarts graduation that I've ever read by the way but I think you did a good job!) and it really gives a bit of foreshadowing for later. It kind of gave me chills.

Now, that ending scene at the bar and so on have introduced a few other issues that I can't wait to find out more about. There's an obvious crush on Sirius that I want some answers on and what about Peter? I wonder if you'll stick to canon with his character or not but I'm curious on whether or not his fear will be a problem for the rest of them.

That last little bit had me a tad confused though, I hope you'll explain what was going on in the next chapter? The only CCs that I can offer is that you might want to go back and shorten the spaces in between the paragraphs so it won't be so broad but other than that, this was another good read!

Much love,

Gabbie

Author's Response: No problem! I know we all are getting busier lately.

I'm so happy you liked that scene! I thought it was a good insight into their innocence and it's good to have a discussion without authority.

Yay! I'm so happy you liked that as well. I worked for a while on that speech.

Poor Marlene. She's going to have a couple of problems throughout the group, while most of the others are isolated with just a few people.

Peter will stick with canon. I think that's all I can say at this point. He won't be back until chapter five, which is "his" chapter.

I am hoping that the time switches weren't confusing people.sorry! :( Those extra bits that don't seem to fit at the end of or the middle of chapters are sort of hints at what's to come. They'll either be scenes that are missing from the story, or scenes that will be very important later on. The dates are really important.

I'm so happy that you actually liked it! I was very nervous posting this because I've never worked with so many main characters.

Thanks, I'll request again soon

Catherine


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Review #16, by Gabriella Hunter The Doubt in the Strength

28th August 2014:
HELLO!

This is Gabbie from the forums dumping this review on you and I'm SO sorry that you've had to wait so long--I've been busy with real life stuff, writing and slaying dragons. Things got a bit hectic and that totally blows!

Anyhoo, on to this! I think it was interesting the way that you set this first chapter up, I was able to get a good feel for all the characters that you would introduce and I like that their thoughts and duties were so different. There were hints of their personalities too, I can't wait to see how that all plays out and what missions they were on. For some reason, James's part sort of stuck with me the most and I hope you go into more detail about his relationship with his father, I found something really compelling about that.

The last bit of this was really tense, I could understand why the kids were all confused but even still, there was a sense of duty about them even then. Mary and Remus seemed unsure but I think that Dumbledore will have to speak to them in private--I sort of didn't like how cryptic he was but I think that you're just building up for the next few chapters so I'm sure that you'll add in more detail about why he chose them for the Order.

My only CC is that the second half was a bit jumbled, I think that you should go back and just put a few spaces in between your paragraphs. It'll be a bit easier to read but other than that, I think that this chapter went rather quickly but has as nice build up for the next chapter so good job!

Much love,

Gabbie

Author's Response: Thank you so much for this! I have to admit, I hate first chapters. I always feel like after I write them, they're unnecessary. Next time I request from you (because this was so helpful and insightful) I'll ask if you think I should just edit out this chapter.

Anyway, I'm glad you enjoyed the character part in the beginning. I just have it there because I have this dream that after this is finished in 5+ years, people will read it all and then go back to the beginning to see if the characters match. Yes, I plan ahead.

I'll edit that bit. It's always hard for me to paste from word pad to hpff.

Thanks again, this was awesome!

Catherine


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Review #17, by Pretense Of Perfection The Beginning in the End

30th July 2014:
Hi again!

Just stopping by to leave the last requested review.

This was another great chapter, and answered some questins while raising others. Using the third person POV writing this story was a great decision, and I love how you can follow different characters around without messing up the flow.

I think some of the time shifts get a bit...confusing maybe? The one that only has one or two sentences seems as if it could maybe be elaborated on a bit further, and personally I'd try limiting the time shifts to one or two, maybe three in each chapter, and break it up a bit more with details.

The beginning started out quite strong, it was nice to see all of the students interacting with one another and trying to figure things out. I like how they try to include Mary, even though she's sort of the outsider in the equation. If you're trying to remain strictly canon compliant, the Marauders possibly didn't know about the room of requirement, since it wasn't on the map, but the point is debatable and really a minor detail, unless you are trying to stick as closely as possible to canon.

I liked the graduation scene, it was very well written, but it felt perhaps a bit unnecessary? The other passages sort of represent the dynamic of the group, whereas that mainly just shows James and Lily, and perhaps could be incorporated into later chapters and fit better, like a flashback on their wedding or death day (if that makes sense), or a chapter that focuses more on just them.

I think you switched tenses a few times, which is nothing major that detracts from the overall quality of the story, but I thought I'd point it out. the overall plot flows together pretty well, but a few sentences could use some cleaning up structure wise. Again, it's readable and enjoyable, but a good beta could really do wonders to help with stuff like that (:

You did such a lovely job with characterization! I love how James and Lily act together, and can totally see James saying something about them going home and getting naughty, and Lily reacting exactly as she did. I like how Remus is portrayed, more quiet and thoughtful, which is canon compliant with what we know of him and his friendships. I think you did a good job with Marlene and Dorcas as well, and I would love to see more from Mary and Peter. You were definitely spot on with your characterization.

Again, I didn't notice anything that stuck out dialogue wise. I think it's pretty casual, which is how one would imagine friends, especially of a younger age, to speak to one another. It's simple and direct, which makes it easy to read and relate to, so I definitely think you can focus more on other areas.

There were a few typos and punctuation errors, but nothing huge.

You build the suspense and anticipation well, as I'm still dying to know who it is Marlene has feelings for (I'm guessing either Sirius or James), and how Mary is going to fit into their little group. Thanks for requesting, and I definitely hope you re-request me once you've posted more chapters, as this was quite an interesting read!!

-- Fae

Author's Response: Hello again!

I'm so glad I used third as well. I struggle with it, as I usually write in first, so I'll have to watch my tenses.

I have been considering cutting out that particular time shift. You're correct. It seems to break up the story. I think I'll just keep it to the one at the end, which is rather important.

I'll review the graduation section, and I might just end up making it a separate one-shot.

Yay! I'm so happy you liked my characterization. I feel like I have some trouble with that, but I'm working on it.

Mary and Peter will both appear more in the next chapter.

Oh, Marlene is going to be an interesting character. Same with Mary. I'm really excited to get into this! I'm happy you're intrigued.

Thanks again for your speedy review. I'll get my next chapter up ASAP!


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Review #18, by Pretense Of Perfection The Doubt in the Strength

30th July 2014:
Hi there!!

This is Fae (Pretense of Perfection), from the forums, stopping by for your requested review.

I think the way that you choose to start the beginning segment is very interesting, and something that I haven't see done very often. It lends an air of mystery and intrigue, as you wonder who some of their roles are and to whom, like Marlene's affair and who Dorcas is secret keeper for. My only suggestion here is to maybe try changing up the sentence structure, so not every sentence begins with their name, but perhaps start out with something about them, and lead into their name, just to break it up some, if that makes sense.

I like how you jump back in time to Dumbledore revealing his intentions for the Order to them. The passage itself is a bit hard to read, as there are no spaces between the paragraphs or dialogue, but I know formatting on the archives can be a bit tricky at times.

I think you did a pretty good job with the characterization so far, from the brief glimpse we've seen so far. My only suggestion here is for Dumbledore - perhaps it's just me, but for some reason, I've never really seen him as the type to abbreviate his words. To me, he seems to sort of like his own voice, and therefor sort of draws things out, but again, this could be a personal preference of mine.

I noticed that you wanted specific input on the dialogue, but I think you've done a pretty good job with it. It could use a bit of cleaning up, so to speak, but is quite readable and enjoyable regardless.

I think the reference to The Ravenclaw was a bit confusing in the beginning. I was left wondering which of the girls it was, as their houses are not canon, and could maybe be elaborated upon a bit further, perhaps in the beginning introductions? Just a thought, though.

I always recommend a beta reader to anyone that seems like they don't have one, as they can provide support and encouragement when you need it, not to mention invaluable insight. I also do beta reading if you need someone, feel free to PM me if you're interested.

Overall you did a lovely job for a first chapter. It was just long enough to be interesting, and just short enough to keep your readers hooked. Keep up the great work, and feel free to PM me if you want specific help/input on the dialogue.

-- Fae

Author's Response: Thanks so much for getting to this so fast! And I think you are right about Dumbledore-I'll edit out his contractions.

I'm having a bit of trouble finding the right amount of mystery and information considering the description of the character's without names. I'll work out those tweaks, too.

I think I'll request a beta reader on the forums or something, because I am really interested in making this story the best it can be.

Thanks so much for your review!

blackballet (Catherine)


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Review #19, by lolovgood The Beginning in the End

8th April 2014:
Really good so far. Nice job

Author's Response: thank you so much! I will continue writing more in the summer

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Review #20, by 800 words of heaven The Doubt in the Strength

23rd March 2014:
REVIEW TAG!

It's been simply ages since I read a Marauders fic about all the Marauders, and even longer since I read a serious one. I am so excited!

This is a super interesting start! Everything is appropriately mysterious and cryptic, as is fitting for a first chapter, I think. Dumbledore really doesn't like telling people the whole picture, does he? I wonder if that aspect of his personality will come in later on in the story as well.

The character I'm most excited about is Mary. She's the only Ravenclaw, the only one who has no idea what's going on, and she's the only one who seems to be showing the correct emotions in this situation - I'd be terrified and confused, too! Boo all the Gryffindors for pitying her!

Hopefully, I'll be back soon for chapter two! Fantastic start, once again :)

Author's Response: I'm happy you liked it so much! I am very excited to continue writing about Mary, and getting back into the forums is a surefire way to make me write!

Thanks


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Review #21, by anythingcouldhappen The Beginning in the End

19th February 2014:
Hi! I'm here with your requested review!

I like the way you set up the character's relationships with each other in this. That's always a big part of any story and you do a nice job in this. It helps that you give their names a lot. In further chapters, you probably won't need to do that as much but for now its helpful.

Right now, I think what's keeping the plot interesting is the flash-forwards. The commencement was nice, but its sort of hard to tell where the story is going in the 1978 timeline. With this being a wartime story, I think its important to show some of what they're doing for the Order soon. I do really like the flash forwards though! They make me curious!

I'm just going to point out a few grammar things I found:

" 'They're part of the Order now, Mary. Them and three others from their year.' She looked up at Lily in disbelief." This makes it sound like Mary just said that sentence. Maybe if you say "Lily said, as Marlene looked up in disbelief." Or similar :)

"The clapping came fast and very loud, and one face could be spotted from her place at the podium. Well, from her perspective, it was the only one she could see. James Potter." It seems a little repetitive to say "and one face" and then "it was the only one she could see" If you could find a way to combine these sentences, it would read a little smoother.

"Him and Dorcas were not of sound mind as of about half an hour earlier." This is a little awkwardly structured. Perhaps you could move some words around to make it clearer? Something like "Dorcas and Him hadn't been of sound mind for at least half an hour"

I'm sure other reviewers have pointed this out, but if you fix the big spaces between the paragraphs, it would be much easier to read :) It's just a matter of using the correct tool when you paste your text into the chapter box I think.

Great job! Hope this helped!

Sam

Author's Response: thank you so much for the great review and lengthy response! I'll take this into consideration when I go back for editing.

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Review #22, by anythingcouldhappen The Doubt in the Strength

16th February 2014:
Hi there!

I'll start with what I liked :) The little intro at the beginning was nice! It made me wonder how each character had gotten to the point they were at and how they were dealing with those positions they were in. It was definitely a good place to start.

In terms of characters, it was a little hard to follow who was who in the office. I think maybe you could have used their names rather than just saying "the long-haired one" or other terms. This is just my personal preference though.

Generally it flowed fine, but there were a few sentences that were a little jarring and I think could be phrased in a better way.

"His dad never mentioned the toll you took with this role." I think here you might want to say "His dad never mentioned the toll this role took on you".

"characteristically to May". Here I think it would make more sense to say "characteristic of May". Also, you might want to use another word besides "uncharacteristic" in the next sentence, just to avoid repetitiveness.

"The Scottish woman butt in very solemnly". This is just an awkward sentence to read. Maybe something like "The Scottish Woman solemnly interrupted".

"The same space they would be filled with in due time". Here, I think it just doesn't make a whole lot of sense to say that empty space would fill them. Perhaps you could say "the same emptiness they would be filled with"?

Overall, this is an interesting beginning! I think the main thing you need to work on is just crafting your sentences.

Great job! I hope this helped :)

Sam

Author's Response: Thanks so much for getting to this so quickly! I'm happy you liked the beginning, but I think you're right that my sentences get a bit confusing.

I think I just tried to be too cryptic and mysterious. I think I'll just have to make it easier to follow. Thanks for reaffirming that.

I'll go back and request as soon as you have space. This was a lovely review.

blackballet


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Review #23, by lindslo2012 The Doubt in the Strength

14th February 2014:
This was REALLY good. I liked it from the very beginning. I will read the rest when I ever get time! :D
I love stories that are talking about the war and I especially love when it involves Harry's parents.
You are a very talented author with a very good idea for a story!

Author's Response: You have no idea how much this just made my day! I have been hesitant about continuing any of my stories because of time restraints but I'm happy that someone likes this story. I have break now and will be writing (optimistically) five more chapters into it. I am happy to hear you enjoy!

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Review #24, by UnluckyStar57 The Beginning in the End

1st November 2013:
Hello again! Here's your prize review number three! :)

Ah, graduation. Brings back fond memories, it does! I thought it was rather appropriate that Lily spoke of beginnings when really, all of their lives would soon be ending, if not in the physical sense, in the mental/emotional sense. Good foreshadowing!

I found the moment when Marlene realized her feelings for Sirius just a little confusing. Could there possibly be a story behind that realization that will come into play later? I would like to see how she came to her conclusion of fancying him after so many years. And possibly his feelings, and if he feels something for her, the explanation behind his relationship with Dorcas. It's always fun to see how relationships came about!

Mary and Peter are being mysterious! Are they together, or is Peter off spying for Voldemort? Is Mary also a turncoat, or does she have a legitimate reason for being absent?

This will be a very cool story, I know it! Keep writing! :)

~UnluckyStar57

Author's Response: I'm happy that you like this! I'm really proud of this one (especially because it says that there are no similar stories!!). I took out the part about Marlene realizing her feelings for Sirius, because I felt it wasn't placed correctly. Your review really helped me get out of this rut!

Thanks so much :)


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Review #25, by UnluckyStar57 The Doubt in the Strength

1st November 2013:
Hi! I'm here with your second prize review from that challenge that I did a long time ago... :)

This is a really interesting beginning! I never thought about the beginnings of the original order, and it's quite intriguing that Dumbledore would look to some of the students as charter members. Why has he chosen these eight? Do they have special abilities that the other students don't? Does he want them to recruit their peers?

Because you didn't call the characters by their names in the office scene, I was a tad bit confused about who was who. I know which ones were James, Lily, and Mary McDonald, but who is the long haired boy? Sirius? And who is the blonde Gryffindor--Marlene or Dorcas? Also, who is the boy standing beside Mary? You might've wanted to be ambiguous about these names, and if that was your intention, that's great! However, if it wasn't, I would suggest that you give their names somewhere within the scene. But it isn't a big deal, really! :)

This was a great first chapter! Now I'm off to the next one!

~UnluckyStar57

Author's Response: Thanks so much! We will see soon why he's chosen them...

I also did want to make the beginning a bit obscure so people can go back to the beginning and compare characters once they get to know the characters. Believe me, it's a master plan all in my head.

Thank you so much for reviewing both of my chapters!


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