Reading Reviews for Valour
58 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Rachel The Scare in the Halloween: Part I

4th November 2015:
That last sentence is so chilling! Shady Peter! Really well done on that!

Just brilliant! I really love this story and appreciate how consistently you upload!

Keep going as this is fast becoming my favourite marauders story! It feels so real! :)

Author's Response: Oh thank you so much! I'm trying to update as fast as I can, but November is a busy time for me. I'm halfway through chapter 30, so that should be up soon!

Thanks again

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Review #2, by moonbaby11 The Luck in the Few: Part III

24th October 2015:
I CAN'T BELIEVE I DIDN'T SEE THE DEATH OF THE PREWETT TWINS COMING! I was really hoping we'd see more of them as I've always been intrigued by their characters and I wanted to see how you'd continue to write them, but I suppose this was as good a time as any to kill them off. It really shows that in war someone can be there one day and gone the next. It seems to add a feeling of urgency to this war that they are fighting and, personally, I feel like the members of the Order need that. Dorcas is right -- they're all just children.

I liked the way that you balanced this chapter. The first half was the most action packed we've had and the second half seemed to be the most deep and dialogue heavy we've had. I liked the way it all sort of wound down in the second part, only to pick back up again when Mary entered. That helps to encourage your readers to read on as you've still given them a bit of a cliffhanger.

Speaking of Mary, I'm very excited to see her back! I think she's a wonderful character and I've been missing her in this story. I'm assuming she's coming to join the Order, which I think would be great as I'm sure that means we'll be seeing a lot more of her.

I think I say this every time, but your characterizations are wonderful! Peter is great, as always, and you've given him characteristics that aren't just the cliche betrayer or 'left over Marauder'. I really liked his smirk at the end because I feel most authors wouldn't write Peter in that way, yet it still fits. Your characterization of Voldemort was also great. I've never attempted to write him as I'm too afraid that I won't do him justice but I think you have. He's the right balance of mad and heartless, if that makes sense. I could just picture those words coming from his mouth and a few of the lines even gave me shivers!

There were a few small things that I wanted to point out: “Thank Merlin,” she breathed out in relief that it was over. - this sentence reads a little weird to me so I'd suggest rewording it? Perhaps something like "she breathed out, relieved it was over" might read better. Of course, that may just be me that found it a little clunky! Another thing I noticed is that it mentioned Lily was unconcious, and then only a few lines later she was sitting up and speaking. It seemed a little sudden and I'd suggest changing that around a bit so that it feels a bit more seamless.

Overall, your story continues to be wonderful. You have great characters, an engaging plot, and always leave enough at the end that we want to keep reading on! Sorry that this took so long but please feel free to rerequest again! I truly do enjoy reading your work :)

Author's Response: I'M SORRY! That part did come up rather quickly, and I'm sorry it had to. I would love to write another story about them, but that will be saved for another time. Their deaths also really impacted the group, and showed how childish they can be.

I loved writing that ending, man. I couldn't wait to write Mary back into the story! And I can't wait for you to see what comes next with her...

I actually like Peter right now in this story, which stinks, because later we have to hate him. I feel that Peter lost a lot of his confident and comfortable ways after the murder of Lily and James, so I think it's important to show it. Voldemort is interesting. But unlike Dumbledore, I've always felt I had a good grasp on his voice, so I wasn't too nervous writing him. Thank you!

I see your confusion in that, and your version does make more sense. I will edit that! I also meant to edit the part about Lily. She should just be resting, not unconscious. I guess I edited one part and not the other. Thanks for pointing it out!

Yay! I can't wait to re-request. You'll see me soon! Thanks so much


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Review #3, by moonbaby11 The Luck in the Few: Part II

24th October 2015:
Wow, this chapter was really emotionally charged! I loved it! We haven't really had a chance to see the characters stand at odds with each other yet, so it was interesting to see the relationship between Marlene and Dorcas break down a little bit. I think it's really helping add to their characters and it shows how hard war can be, even on close friends. People have to choose sides and make decisions, and these friends have made different choices, even if it's just in this one instance. I think that is a great way to show how hard war is.

This chapter had me on the edge of my seat for a lot of it. I have a feeling Charles is going to die, simply because we know he's not around when Harry is orphaned, but I'm still hoping he won't! There's so much at stake here with all of the characters - Charles, James, and Lily to be specific - that you've really brought a lot of suspense and tension to the table. I'm glad I offered to review all three chapters, otherwise I'd be sitting anxiously, waiting until you rerequested!

I think the last few moments in this chapter really helped to show the bonds between Sirius and James and the bonds between James and Lily. James is willing to sacrifice himself for his wife and Sirius is willing to go along with it because of the love he has for his friend. I think it was really nice to see that, especially after seeing the slight bit of animosity between Marlene and Dorcas. I guess it shows that war can either drive you together or drive you apart?

I just want to finish off by saying that your Dumbledore is characterized wonderfully! I know he was only in this chapter for a little bit but I still think you have a wonderful grasp on his voice! This was a great chapter overall and I'm anxious to see how it all wraps up.

Author's Response: Oh, I hated writing Dorcas and Marlene against each other. Honestly. I know it seems like I want everyone to hater each other, but I don't! They will be fine with each other again, and I think that stands to show how strong their relationship is.

I won't say anything about Charles... :) I'm glad that it actually seems suspenseful and not obvious. That's perfect!

Up until now, Sirius has basically been a really bad friend. It's time for his reconciliation. I feel that both pairs of friends are really like brothers and sisters. They truly care for each other, and just want what's best. And in that, they are going to fight and it's not going to be nice all the time. They're also going to have each other's backs when necessary (tear tear).

Wow! Thank you! I get so scared writing Dumbledore. Those are probably the most edited sections of any chapter because I never feel like I get his voice, but your validation is so helpful.

Thanks so much for all! I'll hear from you soon!


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Review #4, by moonbaby11 The Luck in the Few: Part I

24th October 2015:
Hello! Apologies for taking so long with this -- I'm sure you know what it's like when real life decides it wants to barge in and suck up all your time!

Anyways, I thought this chapter was great! The length really seemed to suit it. It appears like you're really setting up something big, especially considering the fact that this section is split over three chapters. I think the length really works in this case as anything longer probably would have given away too much! Here you've given away just enough to keep the reader enthralled but not enough for me to guess what is going to happen next!

I adored the flashback scene at the beginning. I'm assuming their partoni will come into play at some point in this section which is why it was included, but it just seemed so genuine and so James/Lily. It's weird to see them at odds with each other instead of married, but I think that scene was a true testament to your understandings of these characters. You are able to write Lily when she hated James and when she loved James and both are believable. You really do have a solid grasp on all your characters (I think I've said that before but no harm in repeating myself!).

As this was short I don't really have a lot of feedback to give. I did notice one typo -- a sentence in the second to last paragraph is not capitalized properly -- but that's it! I'm hoping James' dad will be alright, but I have a feeling that may not be the case... Either way, I'm excited to see what comes next! Off to the next chapter I go.

Author's Response: No problem! I'm just glad to get this

Oh, thanks so much! I was afraid that the chapter was too short, but I'm glad you caught my intention.

I wish I had put their patronuses in this now! That beginning part just served to represent their relationship, as the next two chapters will focus on the two a bit. Also, thanks so much! I love my characters.

I will look for that typo. And James' dad will be okay...for now. Thanks again!


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Review #5, by notreallyblonde44 The Miscommunication in the Many

15th October 2015:
I suggest consistency between how you date things – some have days like Wednesday or Monday (are those important?) others just have months like December, then others are strictly Christmas Eve. OK, I’m mid-way through the chapter, and I see why you’re specifying dates now, but I still think consistency is key ;)

‘“-the Head of the Department of Mysteries”, Alice added.’ – comma inside the quotation mark

‘Lily couldn’t help but wonder not if they deserved to know, but if they wanted to.’ – This is a great line! You’re doing a great job with the plot and flow of your story. Kudus to you for like posting upwards of 20 chapters (though I know I haven’t gotten that far to know if they’re good yet, but I’m optimistic that they are!) and like really showing a mastery for details in the plot and building all the needed nuances of life in the Order. The espionage, the intrigue, the HUMANITY in it, everything.

‘least five original members’ – who? The devil is in the details ;)

Weaving chart??

Ohh the plot thickens! I’m curious (aka really terrified) to see what happens. Again, I think you could work on beefing sections up and expanding them, diving in deeper to the descriptions a bit more here and there to ground the reader before flipping to another section. But that’s just me, let me know if you want more reviews, I’m probably going to just start reading for funsies now :)

xo Ellie

Author's Response: Okay, I understand the confusion here too. Sometimes it's important to date them (like in this chapter). Other days it's not really necessary to know the dates, but I think I will edit that in for every chapter, because I think it adds a sense of specificity that will help readers.

I love this era/time period SO MUCH. It intrigues me, so I think that's why it comes across in the writing. Thank you endlessly, that was so sweet.

I think you're completely right about everything. I have trouble fitting in descriptions from the third POV. Darn my affinity for first POV!! I will try and work on that.

(Also if you read this, you can just make a reaction review at the last chapter if you get that far!!)

Thanks so much for everything! Incredibly helpful.


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Review #6, by notreallyblonde44 The Alarm in the Actuality

15th October 2015:
Looks like another chapter that takes place in a different time but is the whole chapter. If you do the hop around thing, I think this method makes the most sense. Showing us different days from different times, but keeping them in one or two chapters before switching time periods again works really well!!! Maybe you can tag each individual chapter with the date too that might be a good idea (I’m just spit balling here) like where you put the quote, put the quote and the date. Helps people keep track of your timetable maybe? Like I can’t remember from the last chapter what the years were (I’m very comfortable stating that I absolutely stick at memorizing years so maybe this is just me, but it’s a thought).

‘Lily’s hair whipped around her neck as if it was a scarf of fire.’ – cool description here!

Wait, Mary’s there? She joined? She still hangs out with them and would be invited to Christmas? What?

‘“Sure you’re okay, M?” She smiled weakly up at Remus,’ – this is another example of where the dialogue tags get fuzzy. One M could be Marlene or Mary in this case, and it’s unclear who’s asking it because “she” refers to any girl in the room. Make sure your modifiers are clear ;)

Oh the glorious love square tension. And Marlene, no! Looks like the riffs are forming between Sirius and Remus, which is how the whole Peter debacle happens later with being a secret keeper. Awesome work weaving this in. I think your love situation works well and is very realistic btw.

Remus broke and entered something?? So against his mild mannered Prefecty ways, yikes!!

Peter, I may hate you now. More than I already did. Is no one going to seriously respond to what he said?? RED FLAGS PPL RED FLAGS A BURNING. He’s guilty!

Capitalize Healer/s and Auror.

I feel like I’m missing at lot here at the end of this chapter. Samantha was a friend? Missing details there. Is she the Healer? It’s implied, but not clear. And why does Lily know what this is? Out of nowhere she has the answer to what happened, but didn’t’ say anything until she sees Marlene? Wouldn’t she have said it earlier when they’re all pacing? And if Lily knows then she understands the legal dosage too right? Seems a bit off.

“It’s a commonly used date-rape drug in the Wizarding World. Not lethal in small doses, but leaves patients in a comatose state.” Lily looked up strangely at Samantha. “She’ll come out of it, right?”’ – who is talking in each of these instances?

Aww Remus. I just want to squish him, he’s so darling for sticking by her side and ~gushes~ the lurve.

Interesting, very interesting tension you’re building. I’m starting to really worry for the characters, which is awesome. That means you’re connecting the audience to what’s happening emotionally, and that’s how you drag readers in :)

Onto the next chapter, sorry if these reviewers aren’t as thorough or anything like that, there isn’t too much to say just yet, which is a great thing!

xx Ellie

Author's Response: Oh that IS a good idea to tag the chapters with dates! And I mostly stick to showing flashbacks and forwards only when absolutely necessary in the future.

Mary is still friends with everyone, and you will kind of see why she does in a bit, I think. Marlene is a big part of that.

Poor, poor Marlene. Everything seems to happen to her. I feel so bad because I love Sirius and Remus, but they are at odds a lot in this :(.

Peter is so obvious, and everyone else is so oblivious.

I mentioned this in the second chapter, but Samantha was a friend of Mary's in Hogwarts. You will also see in the future that Dorcas is a Healer (spoilers??) and she knows Samantha as well. Lily just knows this because she's Lily, although it may make more sense to have Dorcas say this. I'm not sure exactly how much Lily knows, but these are good points. Thanks!

Lily is speaking in both sentences, but I see how you're confused. I'll edit that to make it a bit cleaner.

Remus is such a little optimistic kid. He's my favorite.

Thanks so much! And your reviews are not lacking AT ALL. It makes me all the more confident.


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Review #7, by notreallyblonde44 The Pain in the Heart

15th October 2015:
Gah! A snog to save their lives scene! Love it. The tension~between Sirius and Marlene~adore it. Like I wrote last time, you really have a sense of character and history and that comes across really well in your dialogue. So I enjoy reading your take on this era a lot.

A few minor things: I believe Apparate is capitalized as most of the things JK made up our capitalized (idk why this is a thing, like I said it’s minor) and what is the baton-wielding thing doing? I may need to re-read HP, but were patrolmen Ministry officials a thing? Why would they need batons if they are wizards? :/

Ahhh! And you explained the ministry official part kind of. No badge, crepy. Wonder what we wanted with Marlene? And I think they need real disguises, Polyjuice or transfigured something or yeah. Why is this not a thing? The Order may be new, but espionage isn’t. Goodness, cheap wigs aren’t going to cut it lol.

Er-the states like US or ?? I’m an American, so I don’t know the local lingo, is this local lingo? Also, did you make up the recorded Apparation thing? is that a thing? Real clever stuff. Orwellian creepy levels though.

Like I’ve mentioned a few times, your dialogue flows naturally and has a good rhythm to it. I would just watch out, especially with this many characters in the room, on how you’re tagging the dialogue. Example: ‘"Will one of you get me up?" Dorcas nodded immediately.’ I get Lily is saying it, but having Dorcas’ name next to it implies otherwise. Every time someone else is speaking, doing an action like shrugging, etc, they need to have their own line/enter a paragraph break. It’s an easier way for the eye not to get confused. Obviously this rule is loose in the sense that if you wrote: ‘"Will one of you get me up?" Lily asked, and Dorcas nodded immediately.’ There wouldn’t be an issue. Just something small to keep in mind as you go through this since who is speaking or responding gets confusing with incorrect dialogue tags :)

Lily’s mom died? Why is this mentioned in passing rather than fleshed out, seems like a big deal :/ OK I guess you go into it a bit, but you don’t tell us what happened or why. Poor Lily. James kind of lashed out at her though, why was she laughing? I'm confused. I could use a bit more detail here, a bit more back and forth to understand how their relationship works like this.

Overall good chapter! We’re learning a lot about the characters and they’re getting their due screen time. I still think it’s strange that all the girls know about Remus’ condition, but w/e it works in your story for sure. Again, I emphasize stretching out these sections, really diving into their feelings and such. Right now you’re adding layers of tension and emotion, but their just bubbling on the surface and need to come to life a bit more. I imagine a lot of craziness is coming down the way, so I'm excited for that. Oh, and no time flipping in this one, which I enjoyed a lot.

Onto the next!

Author's Response: Hi there! Thank you for getting to these so quickly. You are a novel-saver!

Of course I had to do it. I love me some tension in dangerous situations. And thank you so much. Marlene and Sirius will be very interesting throughout the story. You will probably come to hate him/her more.

Ah, I have to fix that throughout the entire novel...Should've checked that before I wrote the whole thing! Also, I'm American as well, but I've heard that British people call the USA the states?? I thought I would wrap that in. And yes I made up the recorded apparition. Love my Orwell!

I do that a lot to mix up the syntax. I completely understand what you're saying, and will edit that in the future.

I will definitely re-write that whole section. When writing it, I don't think I gave that enough weight.

To me, everyone but Mary knows. The other seven were good friends throughout Hogwarts. And thanks again for your lovely review!


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Review #8, by notreallyblonde44 The Chaos in the Order

12th October 2015:
My review was starting to get so long, so I had to break it in two o.O

So there’s a lot of time hopping in your story, which really breaks up the flow for me. I can hardly keep track of when and where things are happening. I know three years is a long time to cover, and some moments need to be shown to create tension/deeper understanding, but you’ve flipped spots in time eight times in three chapters. That’s a lot of mental hopping around-and that may give some readers confusion over the timeline. I get the story and plot and all, but all the dates take me out of the individual moments as just as I’m getting settled in one time and space, I’m being thrust into another very quickly.

Hopefully the timeline becomes more streamlined as the story progresses, otherwise I fear that a lot of the tension and things you build up won’t have the impact you want. Meaning that your readers will know certain things are going to happen before they do, so when they happen, there’s not as much shock value or feelings when characters are getting tortured, etc, later.

I really think you have a great concept and ideas brewing here, I just think how they’re coming across needs to be deepened :) My suggestion would to be beef up the sections that you do have. Really dig into each character’s mind, or show fewer characters in one scene, so you can give them their due lime light. BUT we are finally seeing the character shine through a bit more here. Sirius seems like an arrogant Mature-level bad word, so I’m happy Moody put him in his place though I’m sad about Emmeline :( Oh and a small canon deviation, Emmeline doesn’t die until 1996. Clearly doesn’t matter now, but thought I would mention it :)

Oh, yikes! James didn’t do his job? I feel like that should be more of a moment here. More accountability, a line of questioning about how this happened, anything? Like I wrote above, digging deeper in each scene may really help build up your story-giving the dimension and layers it needs.

‘Lily looked up at him, hoping that her old friend would come back for a second to understand. After both Peter and James' mothers passed, he'd never been the same.’ – I’m sorry, I don’t understand :/ Sirius was her old friend, since when? It seemed like a connection she would have only made through James. Do you think they developed a strong relationship in a year’s time when he’s dating two other people (from the sounds of it)…I would need to see more here to believe it. Also, Sirius is acting like a deranged brat because his friends’ parents died? Hmm, not sure I buy into this sadly. So something is clear up with Sirius, but I have no idea what it is. I’m curious about it as it’s such a dark version of him!

Oh Mary’s a Muggleborn, yes she probably should join the Order. I wonder who confronted her before she graduated??

As I reached the end of this chapter, like I’ve said before, I think you’ve got a really good plot and grasp on war and the emotions and tensions that happen in it. I think that you should explore each scene deeper, really showing the characters reactions and emotions a bit more. So far the character that comes across the most clear is Mary. She’s the only one with multiple individual scenes in which I feel like I know her best. If Valour is about all eight, then you need to give them their due justice because right now Mary is the focus to me. And maybe that’s your point, and that’s 100 percent fine, but I figure I would let you know this is the case ;)

Your writing is good overall. You’ve got a good level of description and dialogue, just enough to show the readers where your characters are their interactions. You pick up with action and horror early on, creating a solid tone and basis for the rest of your novel. I really think this story was a strong backbone and can go places; it’s got the intrigue and character history and depth. I look forward to reading more, so re-request if you would like!


Author's Response: I'm a little nervous about my first couple chapters, I won't lie. I am very partial to my later writing, probably starting around chapter 9. I need to edit these, but it's so hard to get around to it!

The characters definitely start to come out as real, actual people in this chapter. And, about Emmeline, just wait.

I do need to re-do this scene. It is important, because it comes back in a chapter I wrote just recently. I will note that.

Sirius is a very difficult character to write for me. I hate him in this story, honestly. He is a whiny, little brat who can't get over himself. I always thought that I would love Sirius in Hogwarts, hate him in the first Order, and then love him again after. Also, the point of this chapter is to show the juxtaposition between pre-war and war era. They're all very much carefree in the end of chapter two, and then they are all but that in the second part. I'm sorry that's not working well!

Mary was not confronted before she graduated. I see what you mean about the time changes. She's actually confronted in 1979, about a year from their graduation. The timeline is very important, and I understand how it's difficult to follow.

This chapter focuses more on Mary, but then she will be gone for a bit. That's how the story rotates, going from one/two people to the next. I periodically have chapters that work in trios where the whole group comes together again, and then it breaks up again.

Thanks so much for your reviews again! I can go and edit these chapters tonight, and I will do my best to bring them up to par.


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Review #9, by notreallyblonde44 The Beginning in the End

12th October 2015:
Hey blackballet! Here for your requested review. I see what you mean with being good for the first few chapters, which you have plenty of reviews on. So I’m skipping I’ll give my thought to one and two in one review. Then review your third chapter.

As for the banner and summary, I think they really draw readers in. I like the phrase of “newly-graduated revolutionaries” a lot as it is exactly how I picture this Marauders Era group. They’re young, thirsty for justice, but really getting deep into a War that they don’t understand the cost of yet. Basically, this is my favorite era, so I’m excited to see where you go. One minor thing, and it’s nitpicky of me, is that the punctuation is missing from your “Life goes on But so does death” phrasing. Any of these three could work: “Life goes on, but so does death” or “Life goes on. But so does death” or even “Life goes on. So does death.”

Chapter One: You set the stage clearly with each of the characters’ roles and, though the parallelism was sort of redundant (by the time I got to Peter, I didn’t care what his role was) and it seemed like all their lives have completely changed/been ruined/challenged over the three years. Which is exactly what I expect from war, so I’m curious to learn more about their roles and characterizations. I appreciate the background, going back in life to really set the stage. Dumbledore seems tense, and the “kids”-almost adults- don’t seem to know how to handle this tense moment. I’m surprised Sirius didn’t get more “screen time” if you will, as he was mute. And the emotions could have been portrayed a little more. I know it’s difficult to juggle that many people in the room, but some more expression would have helped show the reader what’s up. Some little facial tics or motions would have been helpful. Otherwise it’s a great setting the stage chapter!

Chapter Two: Oh and Sirius is talking, and with Dorcas! Ohh interesting. Poor Mary, so confused. If she doesn’t know what it is, you would think someone of authority would help her out. Or like why would she accept this invitation when her position/stake in the war isn’t clear. That’s confusing to me. Seems like she should have said no, I don’t Dumbledore would force anyone to join and risk their life without a choice. Also we don’t need to know Lily is a redhead or James is wearing glasses. You’ve described them both three times between the two chapters and they are canon, so everyone knows what they look like. I would focus on describing the semi-canon characters more like Mary, Dorcas, and Marlene ;) I do like Mary’s questioning and confusion in contrast to everyone else who’s just like “yup, sign me up” attitude. It’s refreshing to see someone not be fully committed to the cause. Though why is Mary crying?

Jumping back and forth in time to do two reflection sentences probably isn’t necessary, sorry :/ You could have tacked that on to the end of the first 1978 section if you wanted to keep the meaning there. But I always find hoping around in time or having those “reflection” moments take readers out of what’s happening in that point in time. Like the foreshadowy warning isn’t necessary if we see their sad lives later. The reader will make the connection later ;)

Honestly, you could probably combine the first section of chapter two with chapter one. I think they would flow better that way. Then start up with the reflection pieces (if you want to keep it) then jump to the graduation. Let me know if that doesn’t make sense haha. Oh, does Marlene like Sirius? The awkwardness! Does Marlene know about Remus’ condition, I imagined no one else would know outside his mates?

Overall your prose is straightforward, as it the plot. I don't know much about the characters thus far, so that's something I looking forward to as the plot thickens. Solid skeleton, now I'm looking for the flesh so to speak ;)

xx Ellie

Author's Response: Whoa this is awesome! I'm so happy you got so in depth with the review. It's really helpful.

Okay, so I'm so happy that you like the banner and summary. I think I will go with your third suggestion about editing the summary. It does sound/look better.

I think I may edit out/change that, even though it is very sentimental to me. It's the first thing I've ever written for this story, but I think it needs to change. I think I can edit it down to two or three sentences, which may work easier.

I ALWAYS struggle with first chapters. Without fail. I liked the mystery of the anonymity, but I think it's a little over-played. You're right.

Yes, yes, yes. Dorcas and Sirius are very interesting [strokes beard]. You will see that Mary doesn't exactly completely end up in the Order. You'll see, I promise. She is a Ravenclaw, she'll do the smartest thing. That is a good point. I think I'll re-work that. I don't know why I was so focused on James and Lily's appearances!

I also was definitely going to take out that particular flashback. It's not necessary/helpful. Never was.

The reflection piece about torture is important, and I will think about changing up the chapters. The flash forwards will also end up being flashbacks, which are kind of important to the story in the future. They will have to stay in!

Marlene does know. As you'll find in further chapters, Marlene and Remus are very close.

Thanks so much for your lovely review! Can't wait to read the next.


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Review #10, by MalfoysCarolinaGirl2010 The Doubt in the Strength

2nd October 2015:
Tasha here from the forums for the reviews I promised you.sorry its taking me so long to get these done, RL has decided to throw me a ton of curves and dead ends all at the same time lately so it's taking me longer than I intended to get to these.

I think this is a great start. I've always wondered how the Marauders found out about the Order since it was a secret organization and I think the idea of Dumbledore personally inviting them to join works very well, although I am curious to find out why he chose these eight people specifically.

I would have liked to see more of the inner-thoughts of the eight students to get more of the story I feel I'm missing here. Their reactions about being asked to join before they even leave school. Just something more in depth to develop their characters just a little bit more.

Overall I felt this was a good start and I'm interested to see where you decide to take this story. So off I go.

Peace, Love, and Tacos


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Review #11, by Lili The Revival in the Reinforcement

2nd October 2015:
Just a wonderful story that I think very believable! I love the darkness of the story, it's so truly complex. Really excited for the upcoming 'induction'. Should be lots of fun and drama I imagine.

You're a truly brilliant writer, keep it up:)

Author's Response: Thank you so much for your wonderful review! I have a feeling you're going to be very surprised by the next few chapters...

blackballet :)

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Review #12, by moonbaby11 The Miscommunication in the Many

12th September 2015:
Hey! Here I am with your second review :)

I really liked the format of this chapter. At first I was worried that it may come off as too rushed like the previous chapter, but I think the way that you split everything up between days really helped to keep the flow of the story. I liked seeing what all of the groups were up to and I'm glad we're finally seeing more of the Longbottoms and Prewetts! I'd been hoping they would show up soon!

I know I keep going back to your characterization of Peter but I really do adore him. Actually, on that note, I think all of your characterizations are pretty spot on. The canon characters are recognizable but they don't stray into the territory of caricature, which I think is one of the biggest problems with most Marauders Era stories. All of the ladies, which are basically OCs personality wise, are also strong characters with clear traits about them. I think you've done a good job of creating separate characters that interact well with each other.

I'm intrigued by what seems to be a looming danger for the next chapter of the story. What will happen at Potter Manor? Will Remus and Marlene figure out what Sirius' patronus really means? I think you've set up the next set of chapters really well. You continue to reel me in with things like this and I think you've written a story that will easily cause people to want to continue reading it.

As you can see, I think you're doing a wonderful job. Feel free to drop by my thread again (next time I'll do three chapters as they seem to be connected)!

Author's Response: This chapters layout is all about the suspense and build=up. Sorry! And yes, the other families will become more and more important as the novel progresses.

thank you so much. That means the world to me. I always try and think like my characters when I'm writing. Their motivations, their gestures, all things like that.

I'm so glad you're excited for the next installment! And yes, there are three parts to this little section so I would love for you to read all three at once.

Thanks for everything!


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Review #13, by moonbaby11 The Alarm in the Actuality

12th September 2015:
Hey there! Sorry for the delay, but I'm finally here with your requested review! :)

I love reading scenes about Christmas as they always seem to be happy and sentimental, but this chapter took a completely different turn. I actually like what you did here -- it was interesting to see something so terrible happen to Marlene on what's supposed to be the happiest day of the year. I think the timing worked really well.

The Dorcas/Sirius/Marlene/Remus love triangle (square?) continues in this chapter and, although I'm not normally one for love triangles, I think you're executing it very well. I'm intrigued to see how these four will end up together, if they even end up together at all, and you keep your readers in suspense in that sort of way.

I liked your use of Peter in this chapter. I'm assuming it's intentional that he was the one to order the spiked butterbeer. I'm not sure if that's just a coincidence or if it's an inkling of what's to come with his character, but I liked that it was included regardless. I really like what you've been doing with him overall -- his portrayal seems to be spot on and you're not just treating him like a tag along. He's actually important to the Order and is even going undercover and I really love that.

One thing I do have to say about this chapter (and it was mentioned by someone before me I've noticed) is that it felt a little rushed. There were a few moments where I was almost confused as to what was happening because it all seemed to go so fast. I'd suggest extending this chapter so that it reads a little better. That's my only real criticism, though. The rest of this was great. Your story continues to be strong and compelling and I think you're doing a great job!

Author's Response: I felt terrible writing this chapter! It was so sad, especially because they weren't expecting it at all.

The lovey-doveyness of all that is going to dissipate a little bit and you'll see what's rooted behind it, at least with Marlene and Sirius.

Peter was intentionally the one with the spiked beer. This was one way to basically kill all his friends off without having to do anything. Peter is so sad, and you'll see more about that later. And thanks for the comments on his characterization!

Okay, I'm not writing anymore until this chapter is edited! I know exactly what you mean. I have to make this chapter something I'm proud of!

Thanks again for your reviews. I'm going to the next one right now.


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Review #14, by Emma The Face in the Truth

5th September 2015:
Wow so many new chapters I didn't even know which one to comment on! They are all superb! I am completely in love with this story!

I have to say I was surprised about the Mary/Marlene relationship. For some reason I had thought Marlene may have had feelings for Dorcas at one point but I think that's testament to your fantastic writing how there are a thousand possibilities and we simply have to wait for you to reveal more!

I'm a huge Blackinnon fan so absolutely loved the scene included of them in bed the morning after even if it is very naughty of them! I'm interested to know how they got there and also a bit more about the nature of their feelings for one another! And of course what has happened in the past between them and Dorcas! I'd also love to know more about Marlene's elusive family who you've mentioned quite a few times and set up nicely ;)

Oh and I did not see that little moment between Dorcas and Remus coming! How intriguing! Very believable if you imagine the pressures and the heightened sense of emotion the first wizarding war would create.

Interesting that Peter is already in collusion with the death eaters and he's encouraging Mary to do what they say! It would be great at some point to know how his involvement came about! I also like your portrayal of Peter, one of the best ones I have read.

Also I love how you've approached the subject of James and Lily having a baby. In quite a lot of fan fictions it's often written as an accident or surprise that Lily is pregnant but I like the fact that Lily wants a baby and has her reasons for it! I also love that Lily and James argue and challenge each other in your fiction and aren't just a one dimensional loved up couple! Also that bit of foreshadowing you included how Lily believes they will both die together made me quite sad!

There is so much I could say about these last chapters posted but maybe I'll have to go back, re read and comment again haha! Anyway I'll finish by just saying please please don't stop writing this story! It's incredible and it makes me feel all kind of emotions it is so well done! You're doing a fantastic job!!!

Author's Response: Hello Emma!

I'm so glad that I got so many new chapters up, too! Our validators here have done some incredible work in the past week.

I at one point contemplated having Marlene and Dorcas having a past, but upon starting the story knew that Mary needed a connection to the group, and Marlene is the one with all the relationship troubles. Also, thanks! I try to keep it interesting...

I am a great Blackinnon fan, too, so I understand your happiness and frustration at the same time. There will be a flashback that helps explain it a bit further when we travel back to the Marlene/Dorcas/Sirius story line, but for now you will have to live with the tension!

Dorcas is a very physical being, and Remus is a werewolf. I guess I'll leave it at that...

Peter is a huge part of Mary's character development, and Mary a part of his. They'll play off each other a bit, and more will be revealed as we get closer to the end :(. Also, Peter's reason for involvement **SPOILER** is his mother. I'm not sure if you caught this, but in the beginning of the novel, Peter's mother is supposedly already dead from her cancer. His scene/chapter will come.

That whole scene was super difficult to write for me. I always thought that Lily would want a child and that nothing would stop her. James has grown up a lot, and I think that he is more idealistic. Lily is more realistic. I never thought they could live as a one dimensional couple either!

I'm so happy you're enjoying my novel so far! These words of encouragement mean more to me than I can explain. I'm so happy that I have such an invested reader. Thanks again!


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Review #15, by LivingFairytale The Luck in the Few: Part II

1st September 2015:
Hi blackballet! Are you getting sick and tired of me yet? Lol. Chapter 8 already, it's going so fast! Let's get started.

First Impression & Characterization:
They really are young and reckless, right? I love the way you wrote Dumbledore, he's exactly how I imagined him to act in a situation like this and you portrayed him very realistically. One of the things I like most about his character, is that he remains calm at all times, regardless of the situation.

You are also doing a great job on the other characters, they are all spot on. The only person I'm missing, is Mary. She's not in the Order right? But where exactly is she? Will she be back soon? I feel very sorry for Lily. She's such a lovely character and I hope she'll be alright! And of course, Mr. Potter. I hope he's gonna be alright too.

The plot is progressing nicely, but the only thing I regretted, was that we did not read this chapter from James' point of view. You wrote the previous chapter from James' point of view, so I kind of expected to move on from his perspective. I would have loved to see how he'd fought the death eaters off, along with his father. I think that would've created a much more exciting situation.

Ohh.. another cliffhanger. I can't wait to read more! (Voldy! Got to love the bad guys..) Anyway, you did an amazing job (again!), so keep up the great work!!

x LivingFairytale

Author's Response: Never sick of you!

Yes they are young. YES they are reckless. I like writing different characters, because all this teen angst can get monotonous if I don't break it up.

Thanks again, I love my characters. Mary is gone but not forgotten. She will be back in a big way soon. Lily will have her moments in the coming chapters with the reveal of her pregnancy!

I get where you're coming from. I definitely have to stop writing from Marlene's perspective! It switches back to a general view in the next chapter, and there is definitely more Death Eater fighting then!

I can't wait to re-request and here more from you!


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Review #16, by LivingFairytale The Luck in the Few: Part I

1st September 2015:
Hi blackballet! It's LivingFairytale again. Chapter 7 already, let's get started!

First Impression & Characterization:
I have to say, I really like your opening sentences. It doesn't take me much time to get back into the story again, which is absolutely great. When you are dealing with a story with multiple chapters, it can actually be quite difficult to keep the reader's attention, but you don't seem to have trouble with that at all. The opening scene with James and Lily trying to produce a Patronus was very enjoyable to read, especially the part where Lily got mad!

I really was at the edge of my seat at the point where Moody & James got into his parents' house. You've created this ominous mood, which I like very much. The only thing I didn't like, was Moody leaving James alone. I'm not sure if he'd actually leave him out there on his own, but on the other hand, it does make sense for him to summon the other members. But why didn't he just send a Patronus to the other members of the Order? It is, after all, one of the methods Dumbledore created to communicate amongst each other.

I really liked this chapter. It's got the right amount of tension to keep the reader's attention. The plot is still running smoothly. I don't like such cliffhangers, though.. I'm way too curious for this lol. Anyway, keep up the great work, you are doing an amazing job!

x LivingFairytale

Author's Response: Hi nice to hear from you again!

I loved the scene between Lily and James, too. I love innocent Jily!

I always thought that Moody would be James' mentor so I love their banter here. I do understand where you're coming from, but the Order that I created has somewhat of a council, as you saw with Dumbledore. They all need approval from each other before doing anything basically. It needs this for the next coming chapters, too.

After this chapter, it gets a little hectic, and there's a minor cliffhanger, but nothing too bad I don't think.

Can't wait to request again!


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Review #17, by LivingFairytale The Miscommunication in the Many

28th August 2015:
Hi, it's me again! Let's start!

First Impression & Characterization:
Remus and Marlene doing desk work together. I like that, especially when you added the 'Full Moon' thing. A lot of people forget, when writing Remus, that he is a Werewolf. I'm still keeping my fingers crossed for them to be together, they would make a cute couple after all.

So Lily has to keep a secret now.. I wonder if she can keep her mouth shut. And uh-oh.. Sirius isn't sending his Patronus for nothing, I guess. I really wonder what is going on! It must have something to do with the Potter Mansion on the 26th of January, right?

The characterization of all the characters is magnificent. I couldn't spot any flaws!

So, you said this chapter flips around a lot, which I can't deny. It doesn't bother me though. I think you made those flips very clear by adding the date at the top. Personally, I would add not only the date, but also where they are at that very moment. For instance: Australia, Thursday, January 22nd, 1979 or something like that.

This was actually a quite interesting chapter. I like where the plot is heading thus far. So far, it progresses quite fast, but that's not per se a bad thing at all. Overall, you did a fantastic job again, well done! Keep it up!

x LivingFairytale

Author's Response: I can't can't can't wait for Marlene to realize Remus' feelings for her! And yes. Unfortunately, Remus still has to be a werewolf.

Lily and secrets...can she do it? Was it right for them to trust her, or will she tell James everything? Who knows.

Okay that makes sense. I don't have any more chapters like this for a while, but I'll do that in the future!

I'm so happy you like how this is all progressing! See you soon!


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Review #18, by LivingFairytale The Alarm in the Actuality

27th August 2015:
Hi, it's LivingFairytale again! Ready for another review? Christmas, I love Christmas! I know it's only August, but I just started to sing 'Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer' out loud lol.

I like how the story starts off with them spending Christmas together. I found it surprising that Mary was present, too, nice! I was a little confused though; why did Sirius take Marlene to the hospital? I mean- Remus was already taking care of her, right? Why didn't he take her? I liked how you involved Samantha as well. I don't trust Peter though, I'm sure he has something to do with this! The only point of criticism being the pace of this chapter. I think it all went very fast.. a little bit too fast for my taste. Especially the part where Sirius left with Marlene. Personally, I would add some more description or maybe some dialogue.

Just like the previous chapters, you did a good job with the characterization. You have captured them all very well. I become to like Marlene more with each passing chapter; her character becomes more interesting. Hopefully, she will turn out fine. Remus staying with Marlene was great.

Overall, another great chapter! I absolutely like how the story is progressing thus far. I am hungry for more!

x LivingFairytale

Author's Response: The story does move rather quickly from August to December already! But on the actual chapter moving too quickly, I agree. Sirius leaves with Marlene because of their relationship. Basically, Sirius and Marlene fight a lot, but a very close. It's complicated.

I will definitely edit this chapter!

Yes, Marlene gets a lot more depth throughout the novel. And Remus also gets deeper than just pining after Marlene, I promise!

Thanks so much for your review, and I'll definitely re-request.


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Review #19, by LivingFairytale The Pain in the Heart

26th August 2015:
Hi Blackballet! It's LivingFairytale again! Let's get started with chapter 4. I'm really excited!

First Impression & Characterization:
You asked me for an outside view regarding the characterization, so I'll focus on that. I really liked the way you started off with this chapter; Sirius and Marlene together, spying on the possible 'bad guys'. It pulled me into the story straight away, and it felt like I was actually right there with the characters, sharing their adventure. You are doing a really great job on writing Sirius and I even start to like Marlene a little bit more. She is starting to become an interesting character as well. You shouldn't be worrying about the characterization, as they are all spot on. I also like the way you write James, he sounds so sensible and mature already.

“Well, I'm sure we're going to encounter a snitch during an attack, so it's lucky we've got you James.” That sentence made me laugh out loud, well done! I'm glad you manage to bring in some humor as well. I felt sorry for Lily though, she must be so sad.

Changing from point of view can be quite hard, but I think you did a phenomenal job on it. It was pleasant to read without it being confusing. I really like where the plot is heading, and I guess there will be quite some unexpected events in the upcoming chapters. Overall, you did a great job (again)! Keep it up!

x LivingFairytale

Author's Response: I'm so glad that Marlene is becoming more likable. She is stuck between being professional and still being a teenager. This scene introduces Marlene and Sirius as a pair, and their tense banter is a good set up for the future. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Oh Remus, ever so snarky.

And yes, Lily. She will become stronger as the story progresses. She just needs to have some suffering with a side of suffering first.

Thanks again for your review!

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Review #20, by LivingFairytale The Chaos in the Order

25th August 2015:
Hi! It's LivingFairytale again, ready to read and review another chapter! I'm loving this story already.

First impression:
Yay, the first sentence includes Alastor Moody. I think he is a very interesting character, so that's a great way to start off a new chapter. (It's a pity we don't know a lot about him though.) The way you started off was great. I liked the dialogue and Sirius' squabble (he really is in the midst of puberty, isn't he? At least something is bothering him..)

So, I was right, Marlene is in love with Sirius, which is why she acted so strange around him. Even though I dislike her a little (I really can't tell why), I feel sorry for her. I think your plot is progressing nice and smoothly; Mary as Rita Skeeter's Head Assistant I definitely didn't see that one coming. The scene with Mr. Vance was very sad but also greatly written. I'm so curious about the mysterious man. Maybe she should have taken up with the Gryffindor's indeed, lol.

That was another great chapter you wrote, well done! I couldn't find any flaws or grammar mistakes and it seems to me you have a great plot here. The last part really made me anxious for more! Keep up the great work.

x LivingFairytale

Author's Response: He's definitely a huge authority figure for the kids in this story. You'll see him come back later, so I'm glad you like him.

Ah, Marlene. I can understand why you don't like her, because she can come off a bit as a Mary-Sue. She progresses maybe the most of any character though, so I hope you like her arc.

Mary is another mysterious character (let's face it, they all are) and she will develop, too. You will see her come back in a big way later in the series.

Thank you for your third review. I've re-requested, and am waiting anxiously for your input!


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Review #21, by LivingFairytale The Beginning in the End

25th August 2015:
Hi! It's LivingFairytale again, from the forums!
I'm so excited to read chapter two, so let's start right away!

First impression:
First of all, I really like the way you started off, with Mary being straight to the point and discussing her uncertainty about the Order. It already feels like they are forming a close group. Mentioning Alice and Frank was also a good idea, as I was already wondering where they were in the story. I think Remus comforting Mary was cute as well. (I secretly hope they will get romantically involved or something!) I seriously hope Mary will join the Order any way, fingers crossed!

I had some trouble with the flow of this chapter (especially with the little flash-forwards), but I understand they are necessary for the further development of the story. However, I'd personally add a little more detail to those flash-forwards, to make it a little bit more understandable. The graduating scene was really great; Lily's characterization really is spot on. You asked me if I think there's something unnecessary: no, I don't think there is. You could have dropped the whole graduation scene, but to be honest, I liked that scene, even though I think it wasn't particularly necessary.

Overall, I think you did an amazing job on this chapter. You kept me reading until the very last line, well done! I'm curious to read and review more of your story, so again: don't hesitate to ask for another review, I'd be delighted! Keep it up!

x LivingFairytale

Author's Response: I love reading your reviews! Okay time to respond.

I can tell you that Mary is going to have a sort of mixture of love interests. People you probably won't expect until it's said outright.

I think there is one flash forward in this chapter that I can edit out. As the story progresses, they become more lengthy and developed. And yes, the graduation is one of my favorites. I think of it as them leaving their youth behind.

I'm so happy you liked this too! I'm going back to request right now. I hope it's not too much Valour for one day.


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Review #22, by LivingFairytale The Doubt in the Strength

25th August 2015:
Hi! It's LivingFairytale from the forum with your requested review. So let's get started.

First impression:
I really like the way you get the story started. It's a whole different way to introduce your characters, but I definitely like it. It pulled me into the story right away. Marlene as the 'other woman', that sounds very interesting and I'm dying to know more about her role in the Order. The characterization of Dumbledore is spot on, his dialogues are a delight to read.

You asked for tips to make the story flow smoother. Well, honestly I don't think you really have to be concerned about the flow in this chapter. There is a lot of dialogue in this chapter, but it definitely fits the gloomy atmosphere you obviously want to create. One of my favourite parts of this chapter, was the part where they all started to look at each other. I felt really sorry for Mary, who didn't seem to understand the situation.

Personally, I would like to see a little bit more description in this chapter (especially during Dumbledore's speech). How are the characters reacting? What kind of look are they wearing on their faces? But overall, I think you did a fantastic job, well done!

Please feel free to re-quest any time you want. I'm curious to know where the story is heading. :)

x LivingFairytale

Author's Response: Thanks so much for your review! I'm definitely going to request again.

I am feeling pretty comfortable with this chapter now, so I'm happy to have that reinforcement about the flow.

Now I just have to work on my description! That could probably be more developed throughout most of my writing.

Thanks for getting to this so soon!


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Review #23, by carry on with your knitting The Doubt in the Strength

24th August 2015:
Hello! I'm here for the review swap! :)

I just thought I'd start by saying thank you for your review! I've just seen it and will respond to it just after this! :)

I love this first chapter! It really sets a very tense environment right from the outset, which is perfect for the setting around the first wizarding world, so you did a great job with that! I see what you mean about the similar styles at the start of our fics and I think the style works really well for you as well :) I felt that the short and sweet way you wrote about each of the main characters added to the tension and suspense of the chapter and I'm looking forward to read more about how they develop to become that. It dove the reader straight into the story and gave them the bare minimal amount of information they needed, which work out as a really cool start! :)

I also like the split between time periods and that you chose to use the two very opposite ends of the time spectrum; the beginning and end of the original order. I'm looking forward to see how this works for the future chapters! :)

I really loved your characterisation of Dumbledore in this chapter as well. Especially the line : 'another rather spectacular one of mine, if I do say so' I just think that's such a Dumbledore thing to say, it's the perfect line! :)

Overall I really like this chapter and will definitely be giving the rest a read! :)

(Carry on with your knitting)

Author's Response: I'm so happy that you were happy with this chapter. After heavy editing, I am finally happy with it as well.

The time splits will be pretty important throughout the story, so I'm glad you enjoyed that as well.

As for Dumbledore, just writing that one line took a lot of work. He's a difficult character, but I love him!

Thanks so much Katie


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Review #24, by moonbaby11 The Pain in the Heart

6th August 2015:
Once again, your chapters continue to be great. I'm fully immersed into this story now, so great job! I know that sometimes it can be hard juggling so many characters, especially when there really doesn't seem to be any main character. Most of the characters seem to have the same amount of involvement in the story and have the same amount of important plot points going on, and I think it shows your strength as a writer that I'm interested by every single one of them. I found myself wondering how Dorcas was feeling while we were with Sirius and Marlene, and then found myself wondering about where Sirius was when we were with Dorcas and Remus. I think that's a really good thing that you have going here!

You're continuing to flesh out these characters and I'm continuing to adore your Sirius. He's so different than how I envision him during this era, but in a good way! I've never really thought into how this war would be taking it's toll on him, and I liked that you're exploring that. This story is much darker than most Marauders fics and I feel like you're executing that very well. (Also, on the topic of Sirius, I loved the thing you threw in about him and the word 'serious'. It made me chuckle).

I think your format continues to work. As I said, I'm so invested in the characters that I love when it skips around between scenes, showing me what's going on in a different part of the Order. I didn't notice any spelling or grammar mistakes, but I did notice one, minor thing: 'James said, letting himself sag into Lily, too. "I miss her, too."'. These two sentences back to back sound odd together, since they both end with the same word. I'd suggest changing one of them to a synonym because it kind of pulled me out of the story for the moment. Nothing too major, of course, as that was the only issue I noticed, but I'd definitely look into that if I were you!

Overall, I think you have a strong piece on your hands. Please drop by and rerequest if you think I've been helpful as I'm enjoying this story immensely.

Author's Response: I am so glad that you're invested! I know that the suspense between the characters can be frustrating, but everything will be resolved at the end!

Sirius gets a little better before he gets I'm glad you like him now. (Tee hee)

I will check that specific part when I go back and edit chapters, so thanks for pointing it out!

I'm so, so happy with your reviews. They are extremely helpful and insightful. Thanks so much I will definitely request again.

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Review #25, by moonbaby11 The Chaos in the Order

5th August 2015:
I'm continuing to love this story so I'm so glad that you returned to my thread to ask for more reviews!

A lot of questions were answered this chapter (such as what Mary's doing with her life and who Marlene has feelings for), but a lot of questions were also added (what did James do? what, exactly, happened to the Vance's? what's doing on in the end?) which I think is really helping to progress the story. So far everything you write seems important. There's nothing that just seems to be a filler, which I think is really admirable.

Your characterization of Sirius seems really interesting. In the last chapter he seemed so cocky and fun, whereas in this chapter he seems much more serious (no pun intended). I think it really shows how this war is weighing on all of them. I also still want to commend you on your characterization of Peter. He just seems like a normal guy, just like one of them, and you haven't fallen into any cliches with him so good job!

I didn't noticed any grammar or spelling errors here, so that's good! I think this story flowed together really well. All the cuts were appropriate and they left you wondering what would happen to the central characters of each scene, which I think is good when you're trying to reel in readers and keep them sticking around for more.

One thing that confused me, however, was the death of Emmeline Vance. In canon she lives until 1996, so is this a different Emmeline? Or is she really not dead? That raises a lot of questions for me, so I suppose I'll have to see where this goes!

I'm really excited to keep reading this story! I think you're doing a great job so far.

Author's Response: Everything will be explained eventually, I promise! It's a bit of a mystery, even though I didn't really plan the story that way.

Sirius is a dark character in this novel. He just is. You will definitely see more of that, and this helps lend to the reason that he is suspected of killing Peter and betraying the Potters.

Emmeline Vance is a character I'll be proud of. That's all I'm saying!!

thanks for your lovely review!

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