Reading Reviews for Valour
25 Reviews Found

Review #1, by The Basilisk The Doubt in the Strength

19th March 2015:
Hello! It'ss me, the Bassilisssk!

I love the repetitive format of the first few lines. It's really powerful and brings forwards the main issues without having completely strange exposition. :P There's a heck of a lot of dialogue, but it doesn't seem to get too confusing. The only thing that made it kind of hard to read was the spacing. There should be a line between each one in order to make it easier on the eyes. I know that spacing is hard when copy and pasting, though. It can be really frustrating. :P But I definitely like what you've got there. I'm incredibly glad I got the opportunity to read this story, so thank you! I'm not usually one for this genre, but I enjoyed this story. You may just convert me, yet! :P

(I've decided to post 44 reviews over the next little while. Each one of them has a character at the bottom. If you can find all 44 reviews (not all are out yet, so keep your eyes peeled) and rearrange the letters into a quote from Harry Potter and PM it to WriteYourHeartOut on the forums you could win a donation to HPFF in your name!)

Thankss again!

The Bassilisk


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Review #2, by marauderfan The Doubt in the Strength

24th December 2014:
Hi! I'm here with your requested review :)

I love the contrasts you established between your eight lead characters in the beginning. It's very strong and shows just what directions the story might be going.

The tone you've created just in this short chapter is really great too. It's dark and foreboding, just how it should be, for teenagers about to be facing a war. You conveyed the gravity of the situation very nicely, in Dumbledore's very serious tone, the confusion of some of the students, and the way Lily and James held on to each other's hands - little things that really demonstrated this dark tone.

One thing I think would help a lot would be to add a space between your paragraphs in the May 1978 section, as right now it's kind of a big chunk of text.

Content wise: Perhaps this is just me getting ahead of myself, as you might go into this in future chapters that I've not read yet, but it seems Dumbledore is being very cryptic, like a bit too cryptic, given the conditions he's asking these students to adhere to. Mary doesn't seem to know anything about Voldemort at all. So is Voldemort just making his presence known at this time, or has Mary just been sheltered while James and Lily have already learnt of Voldemort? Either way, I'm confused about why some of the students seem to grasp why this is so important, and others are utterly lost. So I think... either a tiny bit more information from Dumbledore to get everyone on the same page, or at least a reason why he's not revealing any more information, might be a helpful thing to add.

Otherwise this is really great chapter and the setup is very powerful, it promises to be a great story. Nice work! :)

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Review #3, by toomoony The Pain in the Heart

18th December 2014:
HI! It's toomoony here with your review!

I really enjoy the layout of this story. Sometimes it can feel a little jumpy, but it is still clear and easy to follow.

This story really began to pull me in around chapter 3. I really like your interpretation of how the Order works, like the different missions and assignments that they have. I really love it.

I also think that you're doing a great job with the characterization. Even though a few of the characters are not as well known, I think that you're doing a marvellous job bringing them to life and tying them into the Marauders storyline.

Usually the Marauders are written so playfully and lightheartedly, but I am really captivated by the darkness of their story and how working for the Order must have really changed their lives. As a reader of HP you don't really consider the hardships that they must have faced, but the way that you are writing it is very well thought and you have a lot of great ideas.

You shouldn't worry about your dialogue. I think that you write it perfectly fine, there's nothing obvious that I noticed about it.

Overall your story was a very interesting and nice read. You should definitely continue with this. I think that it could really become amazing.

Happy writing!

toomoony xx

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Review #4, by Gabriella Hunter The Pain in the Heart

3rd October 2014:

This is Gabbie from the forums with your review and I'm sorry that I'm a few days late. I was going to get to this yesterday but my wifi died and it was a major pain.

Anyhoo, on to this! It seems like the War is only getting darker and darker. Marlene and Sirius make an interesting pair but I like that they're able to do their jobs without losing focus. There were a few moments when their pasts might have come up but they quickly pushed it aside and I think that they did it on purpose, they didn't want to talk about their old wounds, I suppose?

Sirius's attitude and his quick thinking were really well written too. I think that he had more of an idea of what to expect than Marlene when they were stopped by that Death Eater in the streets. It helps when you're a bit more street smart and while they're currently lost, I'm thinking that they might grow together as a team and repair their friendship. There's obviously something broken there.

I liked the bit with James and the others too in this chapter. They were getting along so well while also balancing what they had to do for the Order as well. Remus didn't exactly do as well as he'd wanted but that's to be expected right now, he'll improve over time I'm sure. Hahahahah.

Now, what I really loved about this chapter was the ending with James and Lily. Usually in that sort of situation, James might have taken advantage of what she was offering but he really showed a good strength of character by not sleeping with Lily while she's upset. I kind of awwwed at that part. Hahahaha.

I think that this was a good chapter, your flow was pretty darn awesome and while I think the transitions could be a bit slower, everything else was great!

Much love,


Author's Response: Thank you so much for this review! I had pretty low confidence in posting this, so I'm happy you enjoyed this.

I'll work on lengthening my transitions, and making them flow with more ease.

I'm so excited to write more for you to review!

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Review #5, by Gabriella Hunter The Chaos in the Order

29th September 2014:

This is Gabbie from the forums with your review and it's been a minute, hasn't it? I was wondering what had happened with this story and I'm glad that you've returned. :D

I could tell from just this chapter that a lot of things have changed for the group. I'm sort of feeling like the weight of responsibility is all getting to them in different way. I'm not sure what's going on with Sirius though, he's in some kind of strange temper and I could really agree with Lily when she talked to him about it. Did the Vance's murder really affect him so badly or is it something else? I couldn't help but wonder but I noticed that he still has something with Mary? Or nothing at all, I wonder what's going on behind the scenes.

Mary is coming off as very capable and I think that it must have been really hard for her to talk to Mr. Vance. There was an air of sadness in that scene that I thought was written very well and I really would like to know what happens after that.

I wonder what's going on with Mary though towards the end. Who was this mysterious man? What did he want from her? I'm really curious and I hope you clear that up in the next few chapters!

This was a good chapter, I think and I've got a feeling that you're building up to some really great drama!

Much love,


Author's Response: Hello there! I'm so happy you were hoping for me to re-request, and I'm sorry it took me so long. Your spots were filling up quickly!

Sirius is really affected by the war. He's not dealing with it very well, even though that's the exact opposite of what you'd think. You will see exactly what it is in a couple of chapters. Also, I think you meant Marlene?

Mary is trying her best to stay positive while keeping out of the war. I'm so happy you liked her parts with Mr. Vance. I'm so excited now to write more for her!

Thanks so much fort he review. I'll request ASAP

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Review #6, by Fan The Pain in the Heart

21st September 2014:
I really like your story. I'm curious and eager to read a new chapter!

Author's Response: thank you so much! I'll be updating this weekend hopefully

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Review #7, by Gabriella Hunter The Beginning in the End

5th September 2014:

This is Gabbie from the forums with your review and I apologize for being so late. I've been really sick these past few days and just barely managed to feel better and it was an adventure, let me tell you. Hahaha.

Anyhoo, on to this! I was wondering when you were going to be stopping by again and I'm glad to be getting back into the groove of this story. I like that you had the group discussing what the Order was in the beginning and I think that their personalities really came across well, I didn't think that any of them were just floating around in the scene, they all had equal say. Mary's fears about joining of course were really realistic in the situation, I'm glad that you didn't have everyone being readily on board and that there was some actual fear and anxiety. The time jumps were a little confusing at first but I was able to follow along easily enough after a while and I really enjoyed the speech that Lily gave at their graduation (This is the first Hogwarts graduation that I've ever read by the way but I think you did a good job!) and it really gives a bit of foreshadowing for later. It kind of gave me chills.

Now, that ending scene at the bar and so on have introduced a few other issues that I can't wait to find out more about. There's an obvious crush on Sirius that I want some answers on and what about Peter? I wonder if you'll stick to canon with his character or not but I'm curious on whether or not his fear will be a problem for the rest of them.

That last little bit had me a tad confused though, I hope you'll explain what was going on in the next chapter? The only CCs that I can offer is that you might want to go back and shorten the spaces in between the paragraphs so it won't be so broad but other than that, this was another good read!

Much love,


Author's Response: No problem! I know we all are getting busier lately.

I'm so happy you liked that scene! I thought it was a good insight into their innocence and it's good to have a discussion without authority.

Yay! I'm so happy you liked that as well. I worked for a while on that speech.

Poor Marlene. She's going to have a couple of problems throughout the group, while most of the others are isolated with just a few people.

Peter will stick with canon. I think that's all I can say at this point. He won't be back until chapter five, which is "his" chapter.

I am hoping that the time switches weren't confusing people.sorry! :( Those extra bits that don't seem to fit at the end of or the middle of chapters are sort of hints at what's to come. They'll either be scenes that are missing from the story, or scenes that will be very important later on. The dates are really important.

I'm so happy that you actually liked it! I was very nervous posting this because I've never worked with so many main characters.

Thanks, I'll request again soon


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Review #8, by Gabriella Hunter The Doubt in the Strength

28th August 2014:

This is Gabbie from the forums dumping this review on you and I'm SO sorry that you've had to wait so long--I've been busy with real life stuff, writing and slaying dragons. Things got a bit hectic and that totally blows!

Anyhoo, on to this! I think it was interesting the way that you set this first chapter up, I was able to get a good feel for all the characters that you would introduce and I like that their thoughts and duties were so different. There were hints of their personalities too, I can't wait to see how that all plays out and what missions they were on. For some reason, James's part sort of stuck with me the most and I hope you go into more detail about his relationship with his father, I found something really compelling about that.

The last bit of this was really tense, I could understand why the kids were all confused but even still, there was a sense of duty about them even then. Mary and Remus seemed unsure but I think that Dumbledore will have to speak to them in private--I sort of didn't like how cryptic he was but I think that you're just building up for the next few chapters so I'm sure that you'll add in more detail about why he chose them for the Order.

My only CC is that the second half was a bit jumbled, I think that you should go back and just put a few spaces in between your paragraphs. It'll be a bit easier to read but other than that, I think that this chapter went rather quickly but has as nice build up for the next chapter so good job!

Much love,


Author's Response: Thank you so much for this! I have to admit, I hate first chapters. I always feel like after I write them, they're unnecessary. Next time I request from you (because this was so helpful and insightful) I'll ask if you think I should just edit out this chapter.

Anyway, I'm glad you enjoyed the character part in the beginning. I just have it there because I have this dream that after this is finished in 5+ years, people will read it all and then go back to the beginning to see if the characters match. Yes, I plan ahead.

I'll edit that bit. It's always hard for me to paste from word pad to hpff.

Thanks again, this was awesome!


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Review #9, by Pretense Of Perfection The Beginning in the End

30th July 2014:
Hi again!

Just stopping by to leave the last requested review.

This was another great chapter, and answered some questins while raising others. Using the third person POV writing this story was a great decision, and I love how you can follow different characters around without messing up the flow.

I think some of the time shifts get a bit...confusing maybe? The one that only has one or two sentences seems as if it could maybe be elaborated on a bit further, and personally I'd try limiting the time shifts to one or two, maybe three in each chapter, and break it up a bit more with details.

The beginning started out quite strong, it was nice to see all of the students interacting with one another and trying to figure things out. I like how they try to include Mary, even though she's sort of the outsider in the equation. If you're trying to remain strictly canon compliant, the Marauders possibly didn't know about the room of requirement, since it wasn't on the map, but the point is debatable and really a minor detail, unless you are trying to stick as closely as possible to canon.

I liked the graduation scene, it was very well written, but it felt perhaps a bit unnecessary? The other passages sort of represent the dynamic of the group, whereas that mainly just shows James and Lily, and perhaps could be incorporated into later chapters and fit better, like a flashback on their wedding or death day (if that makes sense), or a chapter that focuses more on just them.

I think you switched tenses a few times, which is nothing major that detracts from the overall quality of the story, but I thought I'd point it out. the overall plot flows together pretty well, but a few sentences could use some cleaning up structure wise. Again, it's readable and enjoyable, but a good beta could really do wonders to help with stuff like that (:

You did such a lovely job with characterization! I love how James and Lily act together, and can totally see James saying something about them going home and getting naughty, and Lily reacting exactly as she did. I like how Remus is portrayed, more quiet and thoughtful, which is canon compliant with what we know of him and his friendships. I think you did a good job with Marlene and Dorcas as well, and I would love to see more from Mary and Peter. You were definitely spot on with your characterization.

Again, I didn't notice anything that stuck out dialogue wise. I think it's pretty casual, which is how one would imagine friends, especially of a younger age, to speak to one another. It's simple and direct, which makes it easy to read and relate to, so I definitely think you can focus more on other areas.

There were a few typos and punctuation errors, but nothing huge.

You build the suspense and anticipation well, as I'm still dying to know who it is Marlene has feelings for (I'm guessing either Sirius or James), and how Mary is going to fit into their little group. Thanks for requesting, and I definitely hope you re-request me once you've posted more chapters, as this was quite an interesting read!!

-- Fae

Author's Response: Hello again!

I'm so glad I used third as well. I struggle with it, as I usually write in first, so I'll have to watch my tenses.

I have been considering cutting out that particular time shift. You're correct. It seems to break up the story. I think I'll just keep it to the one at the end, which is rather important.

I'll review the graduation section, and I might just end up making it a separate one-shot.

Yay! I'm so happy you liked my characterization. I feel like I have some trouble with that, but I'm working on it.

Mary and Peter will both appear more in the next chapter.

Oh, Marlene is going to be an interesting character. Same with Mary. I'm really excited to get into this! I'm happy you're intrigued.

Thanks again for your speedy review. I'll get my next chapter up ASAP!

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Review #10, by Pretense Of Perfection The Doubt in the Strength

30th July 2014:
Hi there!!

This is Fae (Pretense of Perfection), from the forums, stopping by for your requested review.

I think the way that you choose to start the beginning segment is very interesting, and something that I haven't see done very often. It lends an air of mystery and intrigue, as you wonder who some of their roles are and to whom, like Marlene's affair and who Dorcas is secret keeper for. My only suggestion here is to maybe try changing up the sentence structure, so not every sentence begins with their name, but perhaps start out with something about them, and lead into their name, just to break it up some, if that makes sense.

I like how you jump back in time to Dumbledore revealing his intentions for the Order to them. The passage itself is a bit hard to read, as there are no spaces between the paragraphs or dialogue, but I know formatting on the archives can be a bit tricky at times.

I think you did a pretty good job with the characterization so far, from the brief glimpse we've seen so far. My only suggestion here is for Dumbledore - perhaps it's just me, but for some reason, I've never really seen him as the type to abbreviate his words. To me, he seems to sort of like his own voice, and therefor sort of draws things out, but again, this could be a personal preference of mine.

I noticed that you wanted specific input on the dialogue, but I think you've done a pretty good job with it. It could use a bit of cleaning up, so to speak, but is quite readable and enjoyable regardless.

I think the reference to The Ravenclaw was a bit confusing in the beginning. I was left wondering which of the girls it was, as their houses are not canon, and could maybe be elaborated upon a bit further, perhaps in the beginning introductions? Just a thought, though.

I always recommend a beta reader to anyone that seems like they don't have one, as they can provide support and encouragement when you need it, not to mention invaluable insight. I also do beta reading if you need someone, feel free to PM me if you're interested.

Overall you did a lovely job for a first chapter. It was just long enough to be interesting, and just short enough to keep your readers hooked. Keep up the great work, and feel free to PM me if you want specific help/input on the dialogue.

-- Fae

Author's Response: Thanks so much for getting to this so fast! And I think you are right about Dumbledore-I'll edit out his contractions.

I'm having a bit of trouble finding the right amount of mystery and information considering the description of the character's without names. I'll work out those tweaks, too.

I think I'll request a beta reader on the forums or something, because I am really interested in making this story the best it can be.

Thanks so much for your review!

blackballet (Catherine)

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Review #11, by lolovgood The Beginning in the End

8th April 2014:
Really good so far. Nice job

Author's Response: thank you so much! I will continue writing more in the summer

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Review #12, by 800 words of heaven The Doubt in the Strength

23rd March 2014:

It's been simply ages since I read a Marauders fic about all the Marauders, and even longer since I read a serious one. I am so excited!

This is a super interesting start! Everything is appropriately mysterious and cryptic, as is fitting for a first chapter, I think. Dumbledore really doesn't like telling people the whole picture, does he? I wonder if that aspect of his personality will come in later on in the story as well.

The character I'm most excited about is Mary. She's the only Ravenclaw, the only one who has no idea what's going on, and she's the only one who seems to be showing the correct emotions in this situation - I'd be terrified and confused, too! Boo all the Gryffindors for pitying her!

Hopefully, I'll be back soon for chapter two! Fantastic start, once again :)

Author's Response: I'm happy you liked it so much! I am very excited to continue writing about Mary, and getting back into the forums is a surefire way to make me write!


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Review #13, by anythingcouldhappen The Beginning in the End

19th February 2014:
Hi! I'm here with your requested review!

I like the way you set up the character's relationships with each other in this. That's always a big part of any story and you do a nice job in this. It helps that you give their names a lot. In further chapters, you probably won't need to do that as much but for now its helpful.

Right now, I think what's keeping the plot interesting is the flash-forwards. The commencement was nice, but its sort of hard to tell where the story is going in the 1978 timeline. With this being a wartime story, I think its important to show some of what they're doing for the Order soon. I do really like the flash forwards though! They make me curious!

I'm just going to point out a few grammar things I found:

" 'They're part of the Order now, Mary. Them and three others from their year.' She looked up at Lily in disbelief." This makes it sound like Mary just said that sentence. Maybe if you say "Lily said, as Marlene looked up in disbelief." Or similar :)

"The clapping came fast and very loud, and one face could be spotted from her place at the podium. Well, from her perspective, it was the only one she could see. James Potter." It seems a little repetitive to say "and one face" and then "it was the only one she could see" If you could find a way to combine these sentences, it would read a little smoother.

"Him and Dorcas were not of sound mind as of about half an hour earlier." This is a little awkwardly structured. Perhaps you could move some words around to make it clearer? Something like "Dorcas and Him hadn't been of sound mind for at least half an hour"

I'm sure other reviewers have pointed this out, but if you fix the big spaces between the paragraphs, it would be much easier to read :) It's just a matter of using the correct tool when you paste your text into the chapter box I think.

Great job! Hope this helped!


Author's Response: thank you so much for the great review and lengthy response! I'll take this into consideration when I go back for editing.

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Review #14, by anythingcouldhappen The Doubt in the Strength

16th February 2014:
Hi there!

I'll start with what I liked :) The little intro at the beginning was nice! It made me wonder how each character had gotten to the point they were at and how they were dealing with those positions they were in. It was definitely a good place to start.

In terms of characters, it was a little hard to follow who was who in the office. I think maybe you could have used their names rather than just saying "the long-haired one" or other terms. This is just my personal preference though.

Generally it flowed fine, but there were a few sentences that were a little jarring and I think could be phrased in a better way.

"His dad never mentioned the toll you took with this role." I think here you might want to say "His dad never mentioned the toll this role took on you".

"characteristically to May". Here I think it would make more sense to say "characteristic of May". Also, you might want to use another word besides "uncharacteristic" in the next sentence, just to avoid repetitiveness.

"The Scottish woman butt in very solemnly". This is just an awkward sentence to read. Maybe something like "The Scottish Woman solemnly interrupted".

"The same space they would be filled with in due time". Here, I think it just doesn't make a whole lot of sense to say that empty space would fill them. Perhaps you could say "the same emptiness they would be filled with"?

Overall, this is an interesting beginning! I think the main thing you need to work on is just crafting your sentences.

Great job! I hope this helped :)


Author's Response: Thanks so much for getting to this so quickly! I'm happy you liked the beginning, but I think you're right that my sentences get a bit confusing.

I think I just tried to be too cryptic and mysterious. I think I'll just have to make it easier to follow. Thanks for reaffirming that.

I'll go back and request as soon as you have space. This was a lovely review.


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Review #15, by lindslo2012 The Doubt in the Strength

14th February 2014:
This was REALLY good. I liked it from the very beginning. I will read the rest when I ever get time! :D
I love stories that are talking about the war and I especially love when it involves Harry's parents.
You are a very talented author with a very good idea for a story!

Author's Response: You have no idea how much this just made my day! I have been hesitant about continuing any of my stories because of time restraints but I'm happy that someone likes this story. I have break now and will be writing (optimistically) five more chapters into it. I am happy to hear you enjoy!

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Review #16, by UnluckyStar57 The Beginning in the End

1st November 2013:
Hello again! Here's your prize review number three! :)

Ah, graduation. Brings back fond memories, it does! I thought it was rather appropriate that Lily spoke of beginnings when really, all of their lives would soon be ending, if not in the physical sense, in the mental/emotional sense. Good foreshadowing!

I found the moment when Marlene realized her feelings for Sirius just a little confusing. Could there possibly be a story behind that realization that will come into play later? I would like to see how she came to her conclusion of fancying him after so many years. And possibly his feelings, and if he feels something for her, the explanation behind his relationship with Dorcas. It's always fun to see how relationships came about!

Mary and Peter are being mysterious! Are they together, or is Peter off spying for Voldemort? Is Mary also a turncoat, or does she have a legitimate reason for being absent?

This will be a very cool story, I know it! Keep writing! :)


Author's Response: I'm happy that you like this! I'm really proud of this one (especially because it says that there are no similar stories!!). I took out the part about Marlene realizing her feelings for Sirius, because I felt it wasn't placed correctly. Your review really helped me get out of this rut!

Thanks so much :)

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Review #17, by UnluckyStar57 The Doubt in the Strength

1st November 2013:
Hi! I'm here with your second prize review from that challenge that I did a long time ago... :)

This is a really interesting beginning! I never thought about the beginnings of the original order, and it's quite intriguing that Dumbledore would look to some of the students as charter members. Why has he chosen these eight? Do they have special abilities that the other students don't? Does he want them to recruit their peers?

Because you didn't call the characters by their names in the office scene, I was a tad bit confused about who was who. I know which ones were James, Lily, and Mary McDonald, but who is the long haired boy? Sirius? And who is the blonde Gryffindor--Marlene or Dorcas? Also, who is the boy standing beside Mary? You might've wanted to be ambiguous about these names, and if that was your intention, that's great! However, if it wasn't, I would suggest that you give their names somewhere within the scene. But it isn't a big deal, really! :)

This was a great first chapter! Now I'm off to the next one!


Author's Response: Thanks so much! We will see soon why he's chosen them...

I also did want to make the beginning a bit obscure so people can go back to the beginning and compare characters once they get to know the characters. Believe me, it's a master plan all in my head.

Thank you so much for reviewing both of my chapters!

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Review #18, by Haronione The Beginning in the End

18th August 2013:
Hiya, I'm back for chapter 2 :)

So, I liked the start of this and the fact that you made at least one of the group unsure about what Dumbledore was asking them to join in to. While someone like Sirius would jump at the chance of physically fighting against Voldemort and his cause, I feel that it is realistic that there would be some of the group who would be unsure and scared. I also like how you have made it Mary to be the one who questions what they are being asked to do, and your reasoning for this. She is a bit of an outsider in this group and so doesn't have the bonds or the support (or at least she may feel that she doesn't) that the others do, and so it fits that she would have reservesations about the situation. I wonder what role she will play in this fic now that she has not joined the order - and whether something will happen to make her eventually join.

I also liked the Graduation ceremony scene and Lily's speech (although I'm not entirely sure what a commencement ceremony is - is it another name for graduation? Probably made myself look rather silly for asking that!) How true was Lily's speech though! It truly is the beginning for them, they are about to enter the 'real world' now and Merlin is it going to be different! I wonder if they all knew just how different life would be after that point.

I absolutely loved the idea that they would be leaving Hogwarts the way they entered it - via the boats. That would really round off their time at Hogwarts and make that last journey away from Hogwarts almost as special as the first journey into it! It is a shame we never saw the trio graduate, but I guess that would just not have fitted in to the story.

I sense a bit of a love triangle coming on between Sirius, Dorcus, Remus and Marlene (would that be a triangle if there are four of them?!). I look forward to seeing how that plays out and whether Marlene ever voices her feelings for Sirius. I have a feeling this could play havoc with the dynamics of the group!

Ooh, the ending is very intriguing! I'm left wondering who the girl is. My thoughts are Dorcus or Marlene - guess I'll have to wait to find out!

Sorry about my rambling in this review!

Haronione ♥

Author's Response: Wow thank you! This is really amazing. I always thought that it would be too easy if everyone automatically wanted to join the Order. Mary is still an important character, and you'll see that later.

I loved writing this! In America, it's just another name for a graduation. I tried to sneak that in by Lily mentioning her sisters graduation, but I guess it's not the same in the UK. I love graduations!

Maybe a bit of a love square.I don't know, she said conspicuously. Heehee, sorry I won't give anything away yet.

Thank you so much for your review, it was very nice and I'm glad you're enjoying it. It's great for me to hear your thoughts.

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Review #19, by academica The Beginning in the End

12th August 2013:
All right, back for chapter two for the review battle!

Okay, now we're starting to get to know your characters, and that's great. I really like how Mary is questioning the whole idea and her role in it. It seems realistic for a bunch of teenagers to be uncomfortable taking on such a huge responsibility.

I liked your commencement ceremony a lot, too. Sometimes I wish we could have witnessed Harry's graduation in the canon series, though I obviously understand how that was overshadowed by what actually happened with Voldemort. It was nice to see how that might have gone with Lily and friends, despite having the dark shadow of making such a major decision to muddle the day for some.

I wonder if Peter's mother actually has cancer or if it's just an excuse for him to go sneaking off. Or perhaps Voldemort offers to heal Peter's mother?

Your ending is intriguing, too. My instinct says maybe it's Mary being interrogated, but I'm not sure, since she doesn't know the group that well.

I would suggest that you avoid marking off time as you shift back and forth. If you want to do a brief flashback, like you did with June 1981, maybe set it off with asterisks or dashes or put it in italics. You can also do a horizontal line to mark it off.

Nice work! Much improved over chapter one.


Author's Response: Thanks so much! I feel like Mary would be the one to question it all because she really isn't comfortable with them at all yet.

I loved writing the ceremony, and I think it went really well. I loved writing it, and now I want to be valedictorian just to use some of this.

You'll have to wait and see.dun dun dun. Sorry, I'm a bit dramatic sometimes.

I know exactly who it is, and I think you'll be surprised if you continue reading to the end.

Yes, I think I will change it to that, although not all the time changes will be to June, 1981 in the future. I'll have to think about it, but thanks for the suggestion!

I'm so happy you liked this chapter even more than the first. I can't wait to update.

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Review #20, by AlexFan The Beginning in the End

12th August 2013:
This is the first time that I've read a story that moves back and forth through time but you make it work. I'm thinking that you've got a lot of this planned out otherwise it would be difficult to write this. I could be wrong of course.

I'm enjoying this story of yours lots more than the other ones, I like the writing and the pace of everything a lot more and the characters are better as well.

This was a good chapter and I hope to read more of your story!

Author's Response: It is very fun to write! And wow, I do have a lot planned. Otherwise, I would end up having loopholes galore later on. I have a ton of notes about it on a separate word document.

I'm glad you like this and are honestly enjoying it. Thanks for your lovely review!

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Review #21, by Haronione The Doubt in the Strength

11th August 2013:
Hi blackballet, haronione back for another review :)

I liked the approach you used to introduce the characters and give the readers a vague idea of each characters role in the story. I've not seen this used before.

I liked the way the story starts from Dumbledore inviting them into the order and am interested to see the characters and plot develop from here. This second section of the chapter needs reformatting though as there are no gaps between paragraphs or dialogue which I found made it quite hard to read. I like the idea of Dumbledore calling them all to his office to invite them to the order before they leave Hogwarts. However, at the end of the meeting he asks them 'Please, take into account everything you have learned here' but it seems that they actually didn't learn anything new in the meeting. I just feel that the meeting could have been a bit longer and more information imparted.

That being said this was a great start and I look forward to reading more :)

Haronione ♥

Author's Response: Thank you! I know this chapter is a bit of a mess right now, which I'm so annoyed with myself at. I'm glad you found the beginning interesting at least.

There I meant all the things they've learned at Hogwarts, not in that specific meeting. I can see where the confusion comes in, so I'll fix that as well.

Thank you for your lovely review!

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Review #22, by AlexFan The Doubt in the Strength

11th August 2013:
Something new to read! I'm going to take a crack and guess that you like writing marauder era things.

I have to say though that I'm liking this so far, it's probably one of my favourite things that you've written. I think you captured Dumbledore's character perfectly, the way that he spoke and acted seemed spot on to me.

The date changes were done really well. Sometimes it can be a bit hard moving through time in a story because it makes your writing choppy but I think you pulled it off really well here.

Not a bad start to a story and I enjoyed it!

Author's Response: Oh, I'm glad you like it! And yes, I love marauder era. I swear, the next thing I write will be completely different. I swear!

I don't know how or why but people seem to like this better, and I think my writing is better in it as well. And oh Dumbledore is such a hard character to use, but I love him.

Thank you for coming over here and reading this! Now I'm off to check out all the new features to the site.

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Review #23, by navyfail The Doubt in the Strength

10th August 2013:
Hi! I am here from the Ravenclaw Review Battle.

You do have a main cast of eight characters it seems like. I do like that you introduced all of them already but I feel like I don't know any of them. Maybe adding in more about them and characterization in the next chapter will add on to their personalities? At some places of the story things get a little confusing since you didn't address most of them by their names.

"The redhead and the dark haired bespectacled one clasped hands nervously, as did the longer haired boy, and the blonde Gryffindor." Here I can tell the first two are Lily and James but the other two I am not sure. The long-haired one is probably Sirius but there was no clue on who the blonde Gryffindor was.

Though I have to give it to you, you set up the mood nicely. I can feel the tension and worry in the air. How all of them act toward each other is great. You can see that most of them have some kind of understanding.

All in all, congrats on starting another story.
Clearly this story has a lot of potential.
Great job.

Author's Response: I do! It is a big cast to work with, but I think I'll be able to do it. All of that will be set up in the next chapter, and you will see who's who. I work a lot anonymity for some reason.

I'm glad you think this will be able to go somewhere, and see potential.

Thanks for your review!

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Review #24, by academica The Doubt in the Strength

10th August 2013:
Hi, I'm here for the Ravenclaw Review Battle!

I liked the repetition in the beginning of this chapter. I do think some of the sections were confusing--for example, if Dorcas was born to play her role, why would she not be prepared for it? However, a lot of them were really quite poetic.

I admit that I found the main part of this chapter confusing. I get the sense that it was meant to be a sort of vague prologue, which I can appreciate, but I feel like it contained a few too many holes. I don't know if you have a habit of proofing before you post, but if not, I definitely recommend re-reading to look for any logical flaws or confusing sections that your readers might also pick out. For instance, it seemed like there were relationships established among several couples in the room already--so why had they never all been in the same room before? At one point, you also said that Dumbledore 'broke the noise,' but from what I read, things were really quiet in the room already. In addition, it's kind of confusing that Dumbledore would ask them to think about joining the Order but wouldn't really tell them what it entailed, and no one asked specific questions about it. You might benefit from having a beta come through and help you identify these weak areas.

One thing I would also suggest is using the Simple Editor in the future when posting new chapters/stories. Doing so will eliminate those large gaps of space you have between your paragraphs and just make the story look nicer.

I think this review will come across as a bit critical, so let me just say that I think this definitely has potential and it'll be interesting to see how you distinguish your Marauders story from the others. It's nice to see you focus on the war right off the bat, too, because that's often lost in fics from this era. I'd just be a little more mindful of the details.

Nice start :)


Author's Response: Thank you so much! This chapter was so hard to write, and I appreciate you being critical. It really helps me with the editing process. I did go over it a couple of times, but more for spelling and grammar than anything.

When I said that they had never all been in the same room before, I was mainly speaking about Mary, who is the lone Ravenclaw. She will play a big part in the development, so I wanted to make it clear that she didn't really have many connections. I guess that wasn't clear enough, sorry. I'll definitely embellish that part(details) more, and make everything a lot clearer.

Thanks so much for your review. I really needed it!

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Review #25, by Mnemosyne_Morrigan The Doubt in the Strength

10th August 2013:
First of all, praise heavens for the minors!
Well, maybe Remus or Sirius aren't that minor, but Dorcas, Mary, Marlene, other members of The Order are. And I'm always feeling like there isn't enough stories about them.

Tough to make any hard opinions as it's only the beginning of the story. Those few sentences, each for every member, are mysterious. It seems they reveal something about the part each of them had to play, but it's still enigmatic. Especially Marlene and Dorcas. I assume, or better say I hope, you will dedicate acute attention to everyone.

Sometimes I was lost, trying to understand who's who and who's speaking at the time. There are a few words missing in some of the sentences. e.g. "I'd like to give you each until the end of your schooling here to think about this" - I think you lost "time" somewhere. But I like the careful, cryptic composition of words, so characteristic for Dumbledore.

So I'm waiting for the next chapter ;)

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm so excited for this story, you have no idea. I love minor characters as well.

There will be like mixing between the years (1978-1981 throughout the whole novel) in every chapter, so I think that's what will make this more interesting. I will definitely give everyone equal attention, because I think everyone has had and will have their own stories within the large one.

It's my first time not writing in first person, so I've had a little trouble with the speaking. I think I'm just going to have to first two chapters in third POV and then switch it to first for the rest.

I've always loved writing Dumbledore even though it's a struggle. It's just so much fun!

Thanks for your review, and I'll update soon.

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