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8 Reviews Found

Review #1, by adluvshp Prologue: Grabbing Attention

14th March 2014:
Blackout Battle 17/20

This was a very interesting start to your story and as a prologue it certainly grabbed attention xD

I like your characterisation of Lily here, it is somewhat how I'd imagine her to be. The idea of her being a detective is also amusing and I am curious to know more about this mighty fine mystery of hers. I enjoyed how she kept emphasising what a brilliant detective she was and how she singlehandedly solved the mystery - very amusing and intriguing. I also liked the little details that you provided such as why Harry did not help, and that Scorpius was involved.

I enjoyed your writing style as well as it's quirky and interactive. As a prologue, this definitely served to set the scene for the story and make me curious about the whole ordeal so I'd read on. It flowed well and I didn't spot any grammar errors either.

Good work =)
--AD
(AditiDraco95)

Author's Response: Hey! Thanks for the review! And I apolgize for taking so long to answer.

I'm glad that it grabbed attention :D That's what I aimed for!

I'm hoping to make Lily an interesting narrator, and someone who's a bit quirky and weird, but also just a nineteen year old girl.

Thanks again! This was really nice :)

Sam


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Review #2, by HEG Prologue: Grabbing Attention

27th February 2014:
Yes, this is good.
I like the way that you've still left her being a detective and the details about that a bit of a mystery which makes you want to read more!

I'm still not so sure about Lily 's personality the bit at the start suggests that she's a tomboy about her not liking hot pink.

You've repeated the bit where she says I make a mighty fine detective twice but I suppose that can be effective suggesting that she's done something REALLY amazing. I wonder why Harry Potter never took the job. After all, he did defeat Voldemort! I guess that will be revealed throughout.

Ooh, Scorpious was involved. That's interesting. I wonder how he came into the story. You totally got it right saying that Uncle Ron wouldn't like them having them anything to do with Scorpious. He made that clear from the start. However couldn't she confine into Harry? He wasn't so much against Scorpious as Ron was. I think that Harry believes in second chances and new starts. Ron, as you said, would DEFINETLY blame Scorpious even if he had done nothing wrong.

The last sentence made me want to read more and I look forward to reading the next chapter and hearing about the mystery that they solved.

A very good chapter,

HEG :)

Author's Response: Hey! Thanks for the review :)

I think the following chapters make things a bit clearer. Lily is exaggerating a bit when she says its the worst mystery ever, and the reason she doesn't go to her dad has to do with not wanting just to depend on his heroism and name and stuff.

Hope that cleared things up! Thanks again!

Sam


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Review #3, by lindslo2012 The Cat and the Co-worker

17th February 2014:
Hi there!
Here for the review swap!
I read the Prologue and this chapter because it seemed so good. I am starting to get more excited about reading next Gen fanfics, before I wasn't that interested but awesome stories like yours make me want to read more of them!!
I am actually writing one myself. As you probably saw.. lol.
Anyways, I see no grammar problems and I love the detail that you put into this! It makes me want to come back and read more of what happens with Marco!!;) Lily sounds like a sweet girl! I hope that Marco guy ends up being her bf at some point!! :) ;)
I liked it and I plan to add it to my reading list!!
-Lindsey

Author's Response: Hi!

Thank you so much for reading! I'm glad you're getting into NextGen stories--they have so much possibility I think.

Lily and Marco will definitely have a relationship of some sort, but you'll have to wait to find out what ;)

Thanks again!

Sam


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Review #4, by AlexFan The Cat and the Co-worker

11th November 2013:
Wow, Crooked Larry does not like sound a fun cat. If I were Lily I wouldn't offer to look after Rose's cat even if she is family. But it was pretty funny watching Lily deal with the cat though.

I found her particular reaction to Crooked Larry being on her bed funny. Although if I was in her place I would've probably done the same thing.

And wowie, Marco sounds very attractive but by the sounds of it, no matter how attractive he is Lily won't have any problem resisting him at all. She clearly isn't going to be warming up to him any soon but all the same, I look forward to his interactions with Lily as they'll probably be quite amusing.

And I love how blunt Lily's boss is, she doesn't even bother beating around the bush about Lily's last name was a boost for the sales and I like that.

Really interesting chapter and I look forward to the next one!

Author's Response: Haha he is certainly not. Lily will definitely not be volunteering for it again!

Their interactions should be interesting--at least for me to write, and hopefully for you to read as well!

Thanks so much for this! I'm participating in Nanowrimo this year so it may be a little bit before this is updated, but I hope to get chapter 3 up soon :)


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Review #5, by AlexFan Prologue: Grabbing Attention

11th November 2013:
Hey there! Thought I'd drop by with some reviews for you and give your story some love.

For a prologue, this certainly grabbed my attention so I think the title you gave this was very fitting. I've never read a story that had Lily Potter II as a detective before so I look forward to seeing how she solved this mystery of hers.

I like Lily so far, you've made her sound realistic and definitely relatable and she sounds a little bit quirky to me which I like because it sounds like there's never a dull moment with her around.

And I hope to find out exactly how Hugo's crup is involved in this. Great start!

Author's Response: Hey! Thank you so much for stopping by!

I'm so glad that the prologue grabbed your attention. The beginning of a story is always make or break for me, so I wanted to start with something that would hopefully draw readers in.

Lily is a lot of fun to write and I hope I can keep her interesting!

Thanks again!


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Review #6, by ginnypotter242 The Cat and the Co-worker

20th October 2013:
Hello! This is shaping up to be a pretty interesting story. I love Lily-she's one of my favorite Next-Gen characters.

I love her personality! She's so sarcastic and hilarious. I love the bit about Harry telling her not to stick her wand in her back pocket. Careful Lily dear, you wouldn't want to curse off a buttocks or a leg or something :)

Her working at Madame Malkin's is also great. It's a different job than you usually see- a lot of stories have the only jobs as serious Healers, important Aurors, or professional Quidditch players with toned legs. I like how you made her have a different job- and a rather normal one for a 19 year old girl. Her uniform sounds just gorgeous with her hair- mauve and red go so well together. I'm glad she's acting her age and not hiking her uniform skirt halfway up her leg- some people make way too big a deal out of mentioning that in their stories. Yay! Lily's a normal girl!

Rose seems cool too. Showing a bit of leg their, is she? I love how her personality isn't a clone of Hermione or Ron- she goes on dates, likes boys, isn't afraid to show a little leg- yet she still has the "Granger Glare" to show that touch of Hermione in her. I like her cat too- a squashed faced, sullen cat with gangly legs just like Crookshanks? Perfect touch!

I'm interested to know what this mystery Lily solves is. It sounds very interesting- I'm definitely going to keep reading! I can't wait for the next chapter. This story is very well written, and your spelling and grammar is great. I can't wait to see the next leg of this journey of Lily's! Great job!

~Sara

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I definitely imagine Harry giving his kids all this random advice that makes absolutely no sense to them but goes back to his crazy days at Hogwarts. I'm glad you think her job makes sense. As a person with an age in the area of hers, I can't imagine handling a really serious job quite yet, even if I had completed school all the way. Rose was a lot of fun to write, and I'm going to try and keep her interesting!

I really, really appreciate this review!! Thanks again for stopping by!

-Sam


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Review #7, by toomanycurls Prologue: Grabbing Attention

17th October 2013:
Hi!! As a new un-lurker I thought you could use some reviews. You do a really good job in the chapter giving Lily a unique and very strong voice. She seems very carefree and uninhibited. This is an interesting start though I think the Weasley mystery could be teased out a little more.

Author's Response: Giving my characters voices is definitely something I have a hard time with, so I'm glad you like Lily's! Thanks for the input--I'm always re-editing so its great to hear what you have to think. Thanks so much!!

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Review #8, by CambAngst Prologue: Grabbing Attention

16th October 2013:
OK, consider my attention grabbed. ;)

Your opening chapter does a good job of setting up a premise and teasing the reader with just enough details to make me want to come back and see what's going on. Aside from the things you did do, I was also fairly impressed by some of the things you chose not to do. For instance, you didn't beat me over the head with loads of back story about who was in what house at Hogwarts and what they're doing with their life these days. When an author dumps all that information into the first chapter of a story without any particular context, I never remember it anyway. You didn't treat me like I've never read the books and need to be told who everyone is, either. You kept your introductory chapter tight and relevant and I like that.

Your writing was well done. Everything flowed nicely and I didn't see any typos or grammatical problems. Sometimes Lily's internal monologue drifted a bit farther into American teenager-speak than I usually like, but it wasn't egregious.

It was an honor and a pleasure to be your first review for this. If you keep up the good work, this will be a really pleasant read. Nice job!

Author's Response: Thank you so much for stopping by!

I'm so glad you enjoyed the prologue and it grabbed your attention. I know when I read, the first few chapters are always key and if they don't pull me in, I'll probably stop reading. It's good to know that that wasn't the case for you!

Thank you! I'll do my best on the American teen-speak--I think giving a character a voice apart from my own is one of the things I struggle with in my writing. Once I get a few more chapters up, I'm hoping to find a beta reader who can maybe help me out on that!

Again, thank you so much! I'm so grateful for your opinion on this. Happy reading and writing :)


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