Reading Reviews for Limerence
  
5 Reviews Found

Review #1, by MadiMalfoy And So Begins Seventh Year...

25th August 2013:
Hey, here with your requested review! :)

Mega apologies for the tardiness, I just couldn't find the time to get more than one review done at a time and that time was scarce itself.

Well, I must say, this is off to a great start! I haven't had the chance to read many James II centralized fics, so this is a good one to start with. :) I think it's very interesting so far, what with your character Melody's sort of point of view. It lets us get to know her better before we actually get into the plot. And James! He's so different from canon, I love it! Not quite as prankster-y and more caring. Wonderful!

I think the dialogue flows nicely and adds more depth to all the characters and gives the descriptions context. You give them each their own persona and that's sometimes hard to do with dialogue. The words you use to describe how they're saying something helps to do that, so good job with that as well. :) Just a few grammar/spelling errors here and there that interrupt the flow a bit but a proofreading would clear those right up!

As a whole, a great first chapter, I can't wait to read more! Please, feel free to re-request for other stories, you write fantastically! :)
~MadiMalfoy x

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Review #2, by marauderfan And So Begins Seventh Year...

9th August 2013:
Hi! Here with your requested review.

I think your dialogue is pretty good and it's believable. It flows well too - I like the way you've introduced what happened to her father, slowly over the course of the chapter. But you didn't reveal everything about it, which is nice because it saves some of the mystery for later chapters. I'm really curious who's behind it all.

I thought I'd mention the characterisation to point out something you could improve. I'm starting to get a feel for who Melody is and what she's like, but it's basically all just in the form of facts. Here's an example of what I'm talking about:

Melody was not the type who liked to show emotion in front of others. Even her two best mates, Scarlette and James, did not often see the depths of her emotions and half of the time they saw it because she often found herself unable to lie to either of them. She would feel too guilty and they knew her too well anyway.

I think one of the most effective methods of description is to show rather than tell. And before this passage (and again at the end) you've actually done really well showing how she doesn't want to talk about it in front of the other girls, so it seems unnecessary to add in the sentence that "Melody wasn't the type to show emotion..." Also, the following sentence in that passage seemed to contradict itself - do they figure out her feelings because they know her, or is she successful at keeping her feelings hidden?

Hope the CC wasn't too blunt. I do think you've got a nice start here! I can see what looks like the beginnings of romance and a little mystery as well :) Keep up the good work!

Author's Response: Hi! Thank you so much for your review. =)

I'm really glad to hear that about the dialogue because to be honest it was one of my main concerns. I wanted the story of her father to be gradual thing, yes partially to add suspense because I do like a hint of suspense.

I am admittedly a little confused at your point on characterisation..because first you said that the feel of her you got is mostly in facts, which I do have present in my story as you pointed out and then you said that I've also shown it in her actions such as her not wanting to talk about it. Point taken though, and that is true. I guess it's a habit I've gotten into. I agree that the best way to display a character's personality is by showing. I am glad though that what I said at least matched up to what she did; I'll try to work on that though.

To clarify what I meant in that statement (and I understand how that was confusing)...Melody does not like to open up and even her best friends don't 'often' see what she truly feels- indicating that sometimes they do. And then I went on to say that 'half of the time' they did see it. So basically sometimes she is successful in hiding her emotions, but there are times when they do see it and it's either because they know her well or because she finds it hard to lie to them.


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Review #3, by itsonlyjamespotter And So Begins Seventh Year...

6th August 2013:
This is really good, I'm intrested to see what comes next - who melody opens up to, if she talks to libby and why another family has been attacked... a death eater (or similar group) uprising?? Just a quick thing, as I'm british and as Hogwarts is in the UK, its holiday or summer holidays not vacation! Update soon! x

Author's Response: I'm glad you like it, and that you are looking forward to more. Those are definitely things to look forward to. I can tell you one thing though, this won't be one of those 'Return of Voldemort/A Dark Lord" stories. Not that I think anything is wrong with them, but this just isn't one. I guess you'll just have to keep reading to see though. ;)

Thank you for that tip on the holiday/vacation thing. I'm not British myself but I do like my stories to be as canon as possible, and that includes brit-picking. Thanks so much for your review! I look forward to seeing your thoughts the next time I update. :)


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Review #4, by MC_HK And So Begins Seventh Year...

5th August 2013:
Hey! :)

So let's start with the CC. Something I noticed that is really prominent throughout your story is repetitive words. You may not have a ton of the same words in a row, but you put two of them right next to each other, which can mess up the flow of your story. I can see a stray quotation mark somewhere, and you've got a few spelling errors. More punctuation errors are present as well, as you have some missing commas, or you have commas where periods should be. Focusing on sentence structure, I think this is something that needs to be improved on, as you make some sentences that should be longer very short, and others very very long when they should be split up. Those run on sentences are a killer, so watch out for those. I can't give much advice on how to fix those other than when you're done writing just sit and read it out loud to yourself with all the commas, period, etc. Also, you should include Melody's name in there more. You go a very long time in the beginning without using her name out of dialogue, and started a lot of sentences with "she". This should always be more specific, especially if you have more than one female in the group.

Other than that, I think you've done a good job telling the reader a little bit about Melody's background and the group dynamic with her and her friends. Her personality also comes through, but I'd like to see it come out a bit more. The dialogue is okay, but it could be a little bit better. I think I just say that because it doesn't really have a presence here, as here wasn't a huge topic of conversation, but what you do have is just fine.

All around, good show! I'll be looking forward to reading more. MC_HK

Author's Response: Hi! Thank you so much for your CC, as I was really looking forward to some of that. I have been on hold with writing for too many years now, and some of my talent seems to have slipped through the cracks. It's not gone forever though, it'll just take some work on my part to retrieve it and reviews like this bring me one step closer to that, so I just wanted to thank you for your review!

Now to the actual responding. I'll re-read my chapter (and future chapters to try and avoid those things) but I am crossing my fingers and toes that I manage to get a beta reader sometime soon. Those things just tend to slip past me, and while I will try to improve on it myself too I'm still hoping that'll happen.

I'm glad you think I did okay with the friends bit. I don't know why but I actually found it challenging writing that friendship scene.

Again, thank you for your review! I'm pretty sure I'll be back to request again as soon as the next chapter is up. ^_^


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Review #5, by Charm night And So Begins Seventh Year...

4th August 2013:
I like it so far. Please continue.

Author's Response: Thank you, I'm glady you like it! And will do. :)

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