8 Reviews Found

Review #1, by missatron The Dungeon

23rd January 2015:
Hello StarFeather. This is Missy here, dropping by from the review thread to fufill your requested review.

So, you asked me to read chapter eight. Since I haven't read chapters 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, and 7, I'm not very sure where we are actually up to in this chapter. The chapter starts off with grammar mistake (don't worry, it happens to everyone ♥ ) which stood out to me. There were definitley too many spaces between Ron's speech. I get the idea that it is Hermione's wedding soon, and they are chatting about who has been invited. Am I right? It didn't seem clear to me.

I also noticed that this chapter contained a huge amount of dialogue. I don't know whether that was what you were going for, but I'd like to hear a bit more description. Try to make the scene 3D for the reader.

The characterisations of Harry and Ron were well written. I thought that you nailed that element of the chapter.

Another thing I wanted to bring up was the fluency. Some of this seemed just a little too stilted in areas. For example, a technique that you used very often in the story was saying:

'And he said,

"Hello!"' (This is just an example).

It just didn't seem to flow. I'm not sure whether I have missed something, but when I read it, there was too much of a pause.

Hope that this helped. Feel free to re request!

Missy

Author's Response: Thank you so much, missatron. I really appreciate for your advice.

In my country teachers teach lots of grammar but they have less time to spare for composition. The points you showed above are exactly what I wanted to know.

Sorry for asking the hard task, the wedding was not Hermione's, so I remember I have to recap the summary of the previous stories.

I'll try to describe more.


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Review #2, by marauderfan A Rosewood Broomstick

17th January 2015:
Hi! I'm here with your requested review! :)

You've got the measure of Harry's personality so well, as well as how he would have changed over time. I loved when Robards pointed out that Harry used to just go with his instinct, and over the years of Auror training has changed to the point where he wants proof. Quite different to how he was at Hogwarts :p

Aw, Neville and Hannah! I like that they get a moment to shine. :D

I'm really impressed with how you wrote Hagrid, as well. You have a wonderful grasp on all the characters' personalities - and you even managed to get Hagrid's complicated speech pattern so well done! I also love that Grawp was mentioned in this story, because I feel like he often kind of gets forgotten about, so that was cool to see here.

One of the things you mentioned you were worried about is this being the third novel in a series. So, yes, that does make it a bit hard to get into, as there are a lot of events referenced from the first two novels (like this Dara character) that I'm picking up a vague idea about but don't really know. If you did want to make it so this story stands alone even as a sequel, one way I've seen that done is by having some recap paragraphs in the first couple of chapters - this helps remind readers who have already read the first one, as well as acquaints new readers with the plot. So that might be something to edit back into this chapter or the one before it - a couple of paragraphs that summarize what's happened before in the narrative. If you want.

I just want to say I am SO impressed with your writing this despite English not being your first language. I can't imagine writing fic in my second language, particularly three whole novels as you've done :O so kudos to you for that. I do notice, however, some odd word patterns here and there, and maybe a beta would be beneficial. On the forums you can ask for a beta reader who helps you edit, catches typos and phrases that don't make sense, etc. And they're all really nice! So if you're interested, that might help you a lot.

I hope this review helps! Keep up the great work - your characterisation is wonderful and you're building up your plot nicely - looks like the start to a great story! :)

Author's Response: Thank you for your advice, marauderfan. I have not understood how to request a beta yet but I will check them in the forums later.

Your suggestion, to recap paragraphs on the top is a good idea. I think of new readers who has not read the old stories and it's a good thing for the readers who have read the first and the second as well.

I like how you write review and really appreciate for your sparing time for this.


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Review #3, by Wistful Prologue

15th January 2015:
I love the premise of the story so much! Harry's characterization was on point, and while this was short, it's a good opening to a story. Looking forward to checking out the next chapters!

Author's Response: Thank you very much for your quick review, Wistful. I really appreciate for that. There're lots of stories in this site, so I'm happy to have review to encourage me to keep writing.

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Review #4, by marauderfan From the Distance

14th January 2015:
Hi StarFeather (I love your username)! I'm here for the review swap! (You'll be getting your other review on this story, the one you requested in my thread, in a few days once I catch up on the requests haha.)

wow, all sorts of things happening so far! I haven't read the prequels to this story but I've picked up on how Harry and Ron are trainee Aurors and have already done some pretty cool sounding stuff in neat places, based on the references to past adventures. I think Harry's post-Hogwarts life is such an interesting time to explore, because he's still 'the hero who saved the wizarding world', but he's at the bottom of the ladder in terms of Auror training as he never finished school. And there's just so many possibilities of cool stories for Aurors. I'm really excited to see what happens. You've presented some really interesting ideas here in your fic, from what I've read so far.

Gah, it's so cute that Ron's Animagus form is an Otter and how it matches Hermione's Patronus :D ♥ Unfortunately not that useful of an Animagus unless he's near water, but I guess you can't choose what your Animagus is, haha! Interesting that Harry has two, and that one of them is a stag. I've never seen the idea of having two Animagi forms, that's really original. That would be so useful!

I love that Harry still holds the knowledge of Rita Skeeter's unregistered Animagus form so he can blackmail her into not publishing cruel and gossipy books haha.

So they captured this mystery hooded wizard. A broomstick smuggler? I wonder what they have discovered!

Great chapter! :)

Author's Response: Thank you so much for leaving your wonderful comment, marauderfan. I can also learn a lot from your way to write review. Answering review is one of my challenge, which trains me to write better sentences.

You got the point, I put so many incidents together in my story, I need to sort them out for readers, that's my homework.


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Review #5, by Anonymous Tryouts

13th January 2015:
Loved this chapter though I'm still not clear who's gonna be seeker and where Malfoy will play. Can't wait for next chapter. Keep up this amazing work

Author's Response: Thank you for leaving your review, Anonymous.
Yeah, your question got to the point, I kept my intentions masked.

"If J.K Rowling wrote this kind of story, what would she write next?" I always ask to myself.

I have little vocabulary skills, so I want to build up my vocabulary and power of expression.


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Review #6, by Anonymous  Second Training Year

5th January 2015:
Absolutely loved this story. Can't wait for more action and especially for quidditch matches. Have to say you are a very gifted author. Please keep updated ASAP.

Author's Response: Thank you for encouraging me, Anonymous.
I'm setting up the stage for Quidditch matches and more action right now. I'll try to update ASAP.


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Review #7, by Marauder Prologue

20th November 2013:
Please continue this story!!it is awesome!!as soon as possible!!

Author's Response: Thank you for encouraging me, Marauder, I added the next chapter waiting for its validation.

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Review #8, by dtinch Prologue

2nd October 2013:
This is also a good story and start. please continue

Author's Response: Thank you again, dtinch , your comment encourage me to keep on going . I also love Quidditch, so I'll write about another story of Aurors and their works and romances, maybe.

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