17 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Violet Potter 434 A Hunch of Trouble

30th March 2015:
yay! ! !
I was beginning to wonder if you had forgotten lonely old me and this story but I understand if you were busy.
so as usual great chapter thing and I still think you write beautifully
ohhh the tension is building Dara just spoke to Ginny I think the next chapter should start with a drumroll!... seriously I might even consisder getting angry if you forget to add a drumroll at the top of the next one
talking of next chapters when about is the next out (1 week?? 2 weeks?3 weeks? more?) because as long as I have an estimate and I know you probably think I'm some sad person with no life(tho it is pretty much true) but every day since the one shot I've been checking to see every few hours so an approximate would be nice
from me xxx

Author's Response: Hi, Violet. I'm glad you're waiting for the next. I have to do research for Wales things so it may take time to finish it, but I never give up for this.

Fortunately, I have two beta readers for this, the one worked for the newest one, the other will do for the past chapters, so please stay tuned!

Kenny ;)


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Review #2, by wolfgirl17 Eye Healer in a Muggle Town

22nd March 2015:
Hello!

I'm here for our swap!

So first off, I'm a little lost thanks to this being the 5th chapter and I've not read the earlier ones, so rather than discussing plot, which I'm not familiar with, I'll focus more on spelling/grammar, flow, formatting and the like.

You've got a few mistakes throughout. Such as:

"All he could do was just hanging around the spot where they vanished."

Which I suspect was meant to say:

"All he could do was just hang around the spot where they vanished."

Also, you seem to have a lot of missing words and I'm wondering if may English isn't your first language? I only mention it because there are several sentences throughout where you've missed words or seem to have them in the wrong order. I mean, I can still work out what you are intending with each sentence, but they don't flow well because they aren't written in the same way one would say them aloud.

Beyond that, I liked the concept of Harry meeting up with the Dursleys again after the war. It's nice to think that they would eventually consider Harry a good man and not a waste of space and a burden they ought to be embarrassed about.

Thanks for the swap.

xx-Wolfgirl

Author's Response: Thank you for doing a kind of beta reading, I really appreciate for that. My language is very different from yours so it's hard to compose things. I may often miss words and block flow in consequence. I feel thankful for your pointing them out.

I thought to write about Vernon Dursley's blaming Harry but changed my mind. Harry deserves to have peace relationship between them.


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Review #3, by adluvshp Eye Healer in a Muggle Town

22nd March 2015:
Hello! Here for our review swap.

This was an interesting chapter. I liked how you set up the meeting between Dudley and Harry. The whole visit to the eye-healer thing was also quite fascinating. I liked how you portrayed Dudley. The ending was also very sweet. Good work all in all =)

Cheers,
AditiDraco95

Author's Response: Wow you read my story so fast. Thank you so much. I didn't have confidence how readers would feel about visiting eye-healer thing and the ending, so your review gave me some encouragement. :)

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Review #4, by marauderfan Easter Holidays

28th February 2015:
Hi! I am finally here with the review you requested! Very sorry for the long delay!

Your characterisation of the canon characters is wonderful. I especially enjoyed the end bit where George plays a prank on Malfoy just because, and Hermione kind of admonishes him because Malfoy is an Auror now. Both actions seemed very in character! And I like how even though Hermione is still at school and Harry and Ron are in Auror training, their friendship is still their greatest strength. Aw. I think you did well with Mrs Weasley as well - I'd imagine she would be kind of awkward around Andromeda for a while because of killing Bellatrix. So yeah, really well done all around with the characters' personalities.

You've got a good mix of different things going on here, from Auror Headquarters to Hogwarts to the students still in school. As for plot flow, it seemed a bit choppy to me. For example, I wasn't entirely sure why Legilimency was brought up during their tests on the broomsticks to see if they were cursed. I have a feeling it might be due to referring to past events (the previous two fics in your series which I'm not familiar with) so I was a bit confused there. If you want to make this fic stand alone, some brief explanation in the story might be useful. Or if the Legilimency bit didnt have anything to do with previous events, you could maybe provide some information as to why they discuss Legilimency at this point, maybe give the reader an idea why it's so important. The backstory about Robards and Scrimgeour was great, but it felt kind of awkwardly added in. So just a little smoothing out with the Legilimency bit would really help that back story shine even better!

Interesting that you added information about broomsticks on the Gryffindor Quidditch team. I wonder if they are involved with the cursed broomstick plot somehow!

This was a really great chapter, I enjoyed it! Keep up the excellent work :)

Author's Response: Thank you, marauderfan for stopping by. It might be complicated to read in the middle of the story. But your advice let me think to add more information about mystery of broomsticks.

Authors can keep going with kind review and some suggestion. Thank you so much for sparing time for this.

I'm working on the newewst chapter right now but I'll come back here to do more details.


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Review #5, by Violet Potter 434  Second Training Year

20th February 2015:
hey just thought id tell you that they keep saying no t my story so I've given up mow- they wanted me to say what was a quote and say who wrote it (jk rowling... duh- I laredy did a disclaimer), what book,what page, what line etc so Ive stopped and have decided to wrie something else and ill tell you when that's coming out- cause your a good writer and I want people who can write opinions
anyway is there another chaptor f yours coming out or will I have to wait a while because I cant wait
from me
xx

Author's Response: Thank you for leaving review, Violet Potter 434. :)
I wish you won't give up writing your story.

I got a nice beta friend, so an one - shot, which is a sequel to " Tryouts " of this story, will be posted soon.
I hope you'll enjoy it.


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Review #6, by Violet Potter 434 Tryouts

13th February 2015:
OMG! your stories are so good, please write more and don't stop, I hate it when good writers start writing and never get to the end of space(if you say your going to fill in the gap between deathly hallows and the epilogue you have to do the whole 17/19? years, right?) anyway please keep writing and if you get any time please read my first chapter when its released (I sent it to the website today :) )love your stories so yeah keep writing

from...well me x

Author's Response: Thanks, Violet Potter 434 . I'm really happy to get your encouragement. You're right, I intend to fill the blank between 17 and the time of his marriage.

It seems your opinion is the same as mine. Not a few good post- Hogwarts writers stop writing. I understand most of them are busy in the real lives or they found more exciting things in the Muggle world. But neverending stories are our dreams, right? I'll read your story, I promise. :)


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Review #7, by ohmymerlin Aurorís Team

10th February 2015:
Hey, there! I'm here from my review thread :)

First off, even though this is chapter 18, I didn't find it THAT confusing so that's pretty good that you've been able to make it make sense, even when not reading the previous 17 chapters. Obviously it would make it much easier reading those chapters but oh well! It still made quite enough sense!

However, you've gotten a few mistakes here and there so I've just jotted some of them down:

"Two of you haven't read 'Witch Weekly' yet," George said merrily and he chanted summoning charm and soon the magazine hurtled into his hands.

"The two of you haven't read 'Witch Weekly' yet, have you?" George said merrily before summoning the magazine which came hurtling into his hands.

Aidan Lynch of Irish National Team was taken photo with his girlfriend who was a sexy brunette.

I don't really like that description. Maybe say something like "Aidan Lynch of the Irish National team, had a photo with him and his very attractive, brunette girlfriend." I just think 'sexy brunette' is a bit gross sounding.

Victor Krum partially clothed was showing off his muscular constitution

That should be 'muscular physique'

There's also this bit, I haven't copied and pasted the original but hopefully you know which bit I'm talking about:
"Your hairstyle will become popular soon. Anyway, who are the members of the Auror Team?" George winked at Harry.

"We have been busy with catching snatchers, werewolves and the remaining Death Eaters, so Harry and I haven't had time to map out who should be--"

"I didn't ask you, Ronniekins. Harry, tell me who you have in mind?" George interrupted Ron.

Ron looked hurt so he glared at his brother.

"Well, we discussed about it before and to tell you the truth, we desperately need you, George," said Harry.

George beamed at him and said, "Good! Owl me when Kingsley says yes!" He then went back down the stairs to the shop.

Ron looked reproachfully at the back of George's head. After his brother disappeared he turned to Harry and said, "You shouldn't have told him he could join us."

"I hate his playing a joke on me." should be: "I hate when he plays jokes on me."

Ron gave a sigh of relief and said,

"Then we need one more Beater. Williamson is a bit old for Beater."

Should be: Ron gave a sigh of relief and said, "Then we need one more beater. Williamson is a bit old for a beater." You've done this a few times. You don't need to press enter when a character speaks, you only need a space when a different character speaks.

Ron threw out his chest, but soon he got serious. Should be: Ron puffed out his chest but then quickly turned serious.

Ron took delight in eating ocean creatures drizzled in sauces.

I felt like this was kind of weird, maybe change it to 'seafood drizzled in sauces'. Ocean creatures make me think of weird alieny-things, haha

You tend to leave a lot of words out, as well as making the sentence a bit clunky. I think the best thing would be is to read the story out loud and then you'll see the mistakes and it'll make it a lot smoother. Also join your words together with dialogue (e.g. can not to can't) as most people speak that way rather than saying each word. It makes it much more colloquial.

The pacing of the chapter seemed a little fast. I feel like when Hermione came up, her scene was extremely rushed and I think you could definitely expand on that bit. I think definitely write more about her excitement and Ron and Harry's congratulations. Although I did laugh at when Harry said to at least let him finish his sausage, haha!

Also, you kept changing the amount of Oustandings Hermione needed. First you wrote, seven, and then you wrote eight, and then Ron said ten. Maybe just clarify that up :)

So hopefully I was of help to you. I would recommend in getting a beta reader, there's a great subforum on the forums where I'm sure people are willing to help and that way even as you write the chapters, you can send them to your beta before you publish them to save time editing ;)

Feel free to request again!

- Kayla :)

Author's Response: Thank you for your advice, ohmymerlin.
Your kind and attentive review will really help.

Now, my personal computer is used by others of my family, so I'll edit these after tomorrow.

I really appreciate for reading this and leaving your review. :)


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Review #8, by bethanex Destruction of Evidence

8th February 2015:
It's Bethanex, from the review forums. First off, I'm coming into this story without much context, but from what I can see, it's very face-paced and action-filled. The plot is certainly intriguing. At the same time, there are a lot of grammatical errors that make it harder to follow along with the action and flow of the story, as well as what people are trying to say. Hope this helped! -beth

Author's Response: Thank you, Bethanex, you did this quickly.:)
I'm glad you got the feeling about the plot.
I requested a beta reader, and I hope someone will help me with checking grammatical errors.


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Review #9, by AlexFan Prologue

6th February 2015:
I'm so sorry that it's taken me so long to get to your review but everything has been very busy lately.

Pacing/Flow: The pacing felt a little bit rushed in my opinion. I think the beginning was fine, I could understand the situation that was going on but the second half, with Harry in it, felt rushed, which was mostly due to the fact that it was almost completely composed of dialogue. One suggestion that I would make is to focus on your description, talk about what the characters are doing, their expressions, whether they're fidgeting or not. You could even describe what kind of room that they're in and such, it would really help slow everything down and pull in the reader.

Secondly, the scene with Harry was a little confusing, I know that it was supposed to be mysterious, and don't get me wrong, it does leave me wanting to read more of the story, but at the same time, it's a little confusing. Harry is being very vague with what he's saying, and I don't have a clear idea of exactly what's going on between him and his Head of Department. Maybe if you gave some background on why Harry is in his Head's office and maybe gave a slight summary of the events that took place before his meeting it would make everything a little less ambiguous.

That being said, what you do have at the moment is good, especially the beginning, I liked the detail that was in it and the mystery that you have going on with the broom maker and his problem, I thought that was a very good way to start off the story. Unfortunately, I don't have the time at the moment to go through each and every chapter of your story (unless you come back and request for the second chapter), or really any story at the moment unless it's requested of me. But I hope I was a little bit helpful!

(I would also recommend a beta since they can pick up on any mistakes that you may not see and make suggestions to your writing. It never hurts to have a second opinion!)

Author's Response: Thank you for sparing time for this, AlexFan.
To focus on my description is my top priority. I'll reread and have to describe more.

I intended to mask the clue but your suggestion to write some background why Harry was in the office should be kept in my mind.

I've just posted for a beta request on forum, I wish I could develop skills in writing stories with advice.

Thank you again, your decent review!


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Review #10, by missatron The Dungeon

23rd January 2015:
Hello StarFeather. This is Missy here, dropping by from the review thread to fufill your requested review.

So, you asked me to read chapter eight. Since I haven't read chapters 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, and 7, I'm not very sure where we are actually up to in this chapter. The chapter starts off with grammar mistake (don't worry, it happens to everyone ♥ ) which stood out to me. There were definitley too many spaces between Ron's speech. I get the idea that it is Hermione's wedding soon, and they are chatting about who has been invited. Am I right? It didn't seem clear to me.

I also noticed that this chapter contained a huge amount of dialogue. I don't know whether that was what you were going for, but I'd like to hear a bit more description. Try to make the scene 3D for the reader.

The characterisations of Harry and Ron were well written. I thought that you nailed that element of the chapter.

Another thing I wanted to bring up was the fluency. Some of this seemed just a little too stilted in areas. For example, a technique that you used very often in the story was saying:

'And he said,

"Hello!"' (This is just an example).

It just didn't seem to flow. I'm not sure whether I have missed something, but when I read it, there was too much of a pause.

Hope that this helped. Feel free to re request!

Missy

Author's Response: Thank you so much, missatron. I really appreciate for your advice.

In my country teachers teach lots of grammar but they have less time to spare for composition. The points you showed above are exactly what I wanted to know.

Sorry for asking the hard task, the wedding was not Hermione's, so I remember I have to recap the summary of the previous stories.

I'll try to describe more.


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Review #11, by marauderfan A Rosewood Broomstick

17th January 2015:
Hi! I'm here with your requested review! :)

You've got the measure of Harry's personality so well, as well as how he would have changed over time. I loved when Robards pointed out that Harry used to just go with his instinct, and over the years of Auror training has changed to the point where he wants proof. Quite different to how he was at Hogwarts :p

Aw, Neville and Hannah! I like that they get a moment to shine. :D

I'm really impressed with how you wrote Hagrid, as well. You have a wonderful grasp on all the characters' personalities - and you even managed to get Hagrid's complicated speech pattern so well done! I also love that Grawp was mentioned in this story, because I feel like he often kind of gets forgotten about, so that was cool to see here.

One of the things you mentioned you were worried about is this being the third novel in a series. So, yes, that does make it a bit hard to get into, as there are a lot of events referenced from the first two novels (like this Dara character) that I'm picking up a vague idea about but don't really know. If you did want to make it so this story stands alone even as a sequel, one way I've seen that done is by having some recap paragraphs in the first couple of chapters - this helps remind readers who have already read the first one, as well as acquaints new readers with the plot. So that might be something to edit back into this chapter or the one before it - a couple of paragraphs that summarize what's happened before in the narrative. If you want.

I just want to say I am SO impressed with your writing this despite English not being your first language. I can't imagine writing fic in my second language, particularly three whole novels as you've done :O so kudos to you for that. I do notice, however, some odd word patterns here and there, and maybe a beta would be beneficial. On the forums you can ask for a beta reader who helps you edit, catches typos and phrases that don't make sense, etc. And they're all really nice! So if you're interested, that might help you a lot.

I hope this review helps! Keep up the great work - your characterisation is wonderful and you're building up your plot nicely - looks like the start to a great story! :)

Author's Response: Thank you for your advice, marauderfan. I have not understood how to request a beta yet but I will check them in the forums later.

Your suggestion, to recap paragraphs on the top is a good idea. I think of new readers who has not read the old stories and it's a good thing for the readers who have read the first and the second as well.

I like how you write review and really appreciate for your sparing time for this.


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Review #12, by Wistful Prologue

15th January 2015:
I love the premise of the story so much! Harry's characterization was on point, and while this was short, it's a good opening to a story. Looking forward to checking out the next chapters!

Author's Response: Thank you very much for your quick review, Wistful. I really appreciate for that. There're lots of stories in this site, so I'm happy to have review to encourage me to keep writing.

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Review #13, by marauderfan From the Distance

14th January 2015:
Hi StarFeather (I love your username)! I'm here for the review swap! (You'll be getting your other review on this story, the one you requested in my thread, in a few days once I catch up on the requests haha.)

wow, all sorts of things happening so far! I haven't read the prequels to this story but I've picked up on how Harry and Ron are trainee Aurors and have already done some pretty cool sounding stuff in neat places, based on the references to past adventures. I think Harry's post-Hogwarts life is such an interesting time to explore, because he's still 'the hero who saved the wizarding world', but he's at the bottom of the ladder in terms of Auror training as he never finished school. And there's just so many possibilities of cool stories for Aurors. I'm really excited to see what happens. You've presented some really interesting ideas here in your fic, from what I've read so far.

Gah, it's so cute that Ron's Animagus form is an Otter and how it matches Hermione's Patronus :D ♥ Unfortunately not that useful of an Animagus unless he's near water, but I guess you can't choose what your Animagus is, haha! Interesting that Harry has two, and that one of them is a stag. I've never seen the idea of having two Animagi forms, that's really original. That would be so useful!

I love that Harry still holds the knowledge of Rita Skeeter's unregistered Animagus form so he can blackmail her into not publishing cruel and gossipy books haha.

So they captured this mystery hooded wizard. A broomstick smuggler? I wonder what they have discovered!

Great chapter! :)

Author's Response: Thank you so much for leaving your wonderful comment, marauderfan. I can also learn a lot from your way to write review. Answering review is one of my challenge, which trains me to write better sentences.

You got the point, I put so many incidents together in my story, I need to sort them out for readers, that's my homework.


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Review #14, by Anonymous Tryouts

13th January 2015:
Loved this chapter though I'm still not clear who's gonna be seeker and where Malfoy will play. Can't wait for next chapter. Keep up this amazing work

Author's Response: Thank you for leaving your review, Anonymous.
Yeah, your question got to the point, I kept my intentions masked.

"If J.K Rowling wrote this kind of story, what would she write next?" I always ask to myself.

I have little vocabulary skills, so I want to build up my vocabulary and power of expression.


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Review #15, by Anonymous  Second Training Year

5th January 2015:
Absolutely loved this story. Can't wait for more action and especially for quidditch matches. Have to say you are a very gifted author. Please keep updated ASAP.

Author's Response: Thank you for encouraging me, Anonymous.
I'm setting up the stage for Quidditch matches and more action right now. I'll try to update ASAP.


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Review #16, by Marauder Prologue

20th November 2013:
Please continue this story!!it is awesome!!as soon as possible!!

Author's Response: Thank you for encouraging me, Marauder, I added the next chapter waiting for its validation.

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Review #17, by dtinch Prologue

2nd October 2013:
This is also a good story and start. please continue

Author's Response: Thank you again, dtinch , your comment encourage me to keep on going . I also love Quidditch, so I'll write about another story of Aurors and their works and romances, maybe.

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