27 Reviews Found

Review #1, by marauderfan Seer

2nd May 2016:
*Zooms in on the slow train* Hey Kenny, sorry about the long waiting time on this review. RL has just been brutal these past couple of weeks :-/ but at any rate, I'm here with your requested review!

I loved the way you wrote Legilimency here. I don't think we ever really experience that in the books, only what it's like from the opposite side (i.e. when Snape is doing Legilimency on Harry), so I really appreciate seeing the more active side of it here, particularly how Harry describes it as swimming through memories. That's such a neat metaphor to use, as memory is such a murky, fluid thing. Especially as the scene is all in Dara's mind, and it makes me think of the Brain room in the Ministry and how the brains are swimming there and all the memories swimming inside them. A really neat comparison... even if an only slightly related tangent :P

Interesting history about Harry's second Animagus as well. I'm curious to know more about how the King Arthur legend fits into Harry's own story and more about the map!

In terms of the flow, I think it's paced well, but sometimes it felt a bit choppy. For example we go straight from this Legilimency scene with Malfoy right to a scene at the Black Lake with Harry giving a speech, and it took me a second to catch up there and figure out what's going on. I think one thing that would help that passage would be a bit of scene setting in the beginning of the section, giving the reader a chance to readjust to changed surroundings, or maybe just a mention of what's coming earlier so it doesn't come out of the blue.

That aside, I think it was very wonderfully written and I liked the nod to the fallen friends at the Battle of Hogwarts - Colin and Tonks and Remus and Fred - it was a nice tribute. I can definitely see people asking Harry to make a speech and for him to be kind of nervous about it.

Overall it was a wonderful chapter! Really great work on this chapter! :)

Author's Response: Thank you, Kristine for offering review! Your words always encourage me. Sometimes, I think of quitting everything, but this community including you, is fabulous, so I keep writing and editing my work. With love from HPFF members, I think my writing got developed, compared with the ones a few years ago.

The sad thing is that this site will be closed in a few months, I started migrating my works to the other places like my fellow authors, but the chance gives me to edit my old dusty stories and your CC is helpful, I'll edit the part you found for me ASAP.

Writing Legilimens is, I think showing how powerful Harry's magic is. The impression of his reading Voldemort's mind is still so strong to me. There are lots of magical episodes in J.K.Rowling's world. We can't stop writing, can we? :D


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Review #2, by marauderfan Dudley

4th March 2016:
Hi Kenny! This is for the HPFF Review-a-Thon... which prompted me to finally clear out my review thread because it was really about time. Sorry for the huuuge delay, but anyway, I'm here now!

So, you asked mainly about the plot and the flow/pacing. I'll start with plot: I'm sure I've said this before (if not, then I should have!) but this is a really cool plot, and I haven't seen anything like it before. It's kind of funny given how exciting Auror jobs are, and how many cop shows there are in the real world (the equivalent haha), because there really aren't that many Auror stories on the archive, and there's SO many stories you can tell about Aurors. So I really enjoy that you're delving into the types of things Aurors might deal with. After the war ends, it's not all Dark Wizard hunting, they do some reading of old runes and talking to Percy about broomsticks but it's really interesting. Anyway, yeah, I love the plot! :D

Flow/pacing: Mostly I think the pacing is good. The only thing I would say in terms of flow is that some of the sentences are a bit run-on. For example, this one: Another voice of his mind told him to tell his boss he would do Legilimens upon the culprit, most of Aurors didn’t agree with Roberds, who prohibited using Veritaseram against the culprits whose reaction was positive, but Harry felt his boss was doing the right thing, from his own experience that Hogwarts professors had let Barty Crouch drink Veritaserum, which seemed a barbarous way to him then even though he had been a brutal murderer, and he remembered how he felt when Snape had often threatened Harry he would use Veritaserum to let Harry tell the truth in his Hogwarts days. -- that's all one sentence, could do with a full stop or two in there to break it up into multiple thoughts for easier reading :) There are a couple of other long ones as well (the one that begins Harry got a start, when the red headed witch jumped up ... etc)

Also, a tiny thing and quite easy fix- most of the scene changes were distinct, but the one where it starts off describing Dara I was wondering why Dara was in the Auror office - the scene was actually at Hogwarts and I hadn't noticed there was a scene change because there was no separation :P It was just that one though - the rest were separated well enough :)

Otherwise, I think the story is paced well, and you are doing a good job of not giving too much away in the broomstick mystery and how the runes will help them solve it.

I'm so sorry it took me forever to get to this! I'm still enjoying the story though, it's very imaginative and I love that you're drawing from so many sources, what with druidic runes and potentially some sort of Asian curse on a broomstick. I think it's really cool how you've described Legilimency too, and how Harry diverts Ron and Hermione's attention first - clever :P

Keep up the great work! This really is an interesting fic you've got here! Love it! :)

Author's Response: Thank you, Kristin for coming back here.
Your advice is very helpful. I'll check the spot you found after the event on the forums.

Talking of the Auror jobs, I don't have confidence at all. I feel awkward around mystery, too. I should've added more Asian curses to the story.

When I wrote this chapter, the trio's conversation just popped in my mind, so you seemes to get my intention, I'm glad to know that.

I hope I can come back to this chapter to edit and ask you to review the next chapter soon.

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Review #3, by marauderfan Eye Healer in a Muggle Town

11th November 2015:
Kenny! I'm glad to be reading this again! I must admit it has been quite a while since I last read this so it took a bit of re-reading to remember what was happening but I think I am caught up now :p

I thought it was interesting how they visited an eye healer who also treats Muggles. It's cool how the wizarding world and Muggle world are a bit less separate after the war. That healer was a bit weird though, doing Legilimency on Harry the instant he walked into the clinic! :S

I must say I loved that you showed this scene with Harry reuniting with the Dursleys, and that Dudley seems to want to be friends with Harry now. Ahh! That's really sweet and I'm so glad you included it. Even Aunt Petunia seemed much nicer, and Vernon despite not really caring about all that happened with Voldemort, is at least civil to him. Big steps forward from HArry's miserable childhood.

The pacing is good in this chapter, but I think the flow was interrupted by some odd phrasing regarding dialogue (which is fortunately a very easy fix!) There were a number of places where the dialogues were separated by the speaker/action/dialogue tags by being in different paragraphs - I'll point out a couple of those spots here: Hermione said in her trembling voice, “Dr. Higgins, what did you do to him?” -- in the chapter this is two paragraphs, but I think it could be combined as such.

Same with this one (which is three paragraphs in the text but I have combined here) : Higgins threw his glance at them and muttered,“Not yet,” and wrote down the words, “eighteen, single” on the parchment on which the two magical photos pasted.

One thing that struck me as sort of odd was that Petunia's first reaction to seeing Harry was that it was James. I found this odd because I can't imagine Petunia met James that many times given her hatred of the wizarding world, and she raised Harry from age one to 17, so she knows him much better. Maybe that's a paragraph to revisit?

Otherwise, I am really enjoying this so far and you have a very interesting plot - there aren't proportionally that many stories following Harry's auror adventures after Hogwarts, and it's always really cool to read about Harry's adventures following the whole ordeal with Voldemort. You're doing a great job with this story! :)

Author's Response: Hi, Kristin! Thank you for coming back! Your review always taught me what I hadn't noticed so I really appreciate that you spared your time for this.

When I started this story, my theme was how Harry would master his skills to be a professional Auror. The impression that Harry was beat by Snape in the book six when he learned Lgeiglimency was very strong so that through whole story, I tried to write about the magic. Then I set the eye healer as a master for Legilimency.

Thank you for advice in the dialogues and phrasing. I misunderstood how to order them so I have to fix the other chapters on the point and the scene when Harry came to Petunia's. I could edit this chapter with your feedback.

The last comment encourages me. I just jumped in writing fictions for my child's bed time story. And now this site trains me in writing in the second language. I hope you'll be back again.


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Review #4, by LiveBreatheNeedHP Prologue

18th September 2015:
Hey Kenny, I'm here for the September review exchange, finally :)

I'm not sure how much I have missed because I haven't read "A Daughter of Druid", so some things were a little fuzzy for me, but nonetheless, I still formed some opinions on this first chapter.

It's quite a good start, although I think it may be a little too shrouded in mystery. I am not sure if I feel this way because I haven't read Daughter or not. A little mystery is always good and you capture mystery very well, but I think there is room to let the author in on a little more information, while still keeping with that mystery and keeping the reader hooked in to read more. I think this can be achieved by providing more description. Most of this chapter is dialogue, and while the dialogue is very good, we as readers miss a lot of what is actually happening, because not everything is revealed in dialogue. Some questions I personally had as a reader that I think you could incorporate in some description include: How do Robards and Harry feel about each other and why is it that Harry has to keep so much information from everyone? What is the relationship like between Draco and Harry now? I also question Robards status as Head and whether Harry is always permitted to keep things from him and how Robards feels about that. Of course, if any of my questions are answered in Daughter, ignore them.

Another smaller thing: you might want to distinguish the two scenes a little more, just so it's a little easier for the reader to see that there's a change. This can be done with a line break or a few asterisks or something like that.

I don't want you to feel pounded by CC, so I will leave you with the positives:
Like I said earlier, both the mystery and dialogue is good. The intrigue is there for a reader to continue further, so you've done a good job at hooking the reader in.

Your dialogue is also very good. It flowed well and sounded believable, so it was very enjoyable to read.

I liked your characterisation. I thought Draco and Harry, the only characters we know from canon have been written very well, although I think you should include more about the way they say things and how they behave towards each other to further enhance this.

Overall, it's a good starting chapter and I did enjoy it - it's just missing some description.

Author's Response: Hi, T-Jay. Thank you for your insightful review. I really appreciate you left comments on this. I need to edit many chapters. It's about time to tackle them. I'm busy on writing the other stories right now but I know I have to do it ASAP.

When I look back I wonder how I could continue writing novels. Now if you tell me to do it, I can't. I hope you enjoy writing your story. I'll be back to yours soon.


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Review #5, by Infinityx Prologue

30th August 2015:
Hi Kenny! I'm here for our mutlti-chapter review swap. :) I'm sorry I took so long, I've been terribly busy.

I haven't read the previous fic so I might not know some details but even so, this is really intriguing, and I'm able to understand most of what's happening. Forgive me if I get curious about something that has been covered in your Druid fic.

Wow, so Harry has two animagus forms and he's deliberately keeping it from his superior because of the death eaters. I love how you jump right into the important bits from the prologue itself, it made me get so interested in what's going on.

Hmm, Draco is here. Does he work in the Auror department as well? And what is this crime omg I'm so curious. :O And a potion power, that's so creative and new.

There's only one thing that threw me off. You start with a bit about the broomstick maker and then it suddenly shifts to Robards. Are they two separate sections? I suggest making it clear that there's a divide between them so people don't get confused.

You've misspelled Robards as Roberds in the second last line. :)

Great start to the fic, Kenny! I'll be back soon to review the next!

Author's Response: Hi, Erin. Thank you for stopping by.

I'm working on my blog for the result of Auror's Tale Challenge. When I can pick up Awards Graphics, I'll post it.

Thank you again for your insightful feedback after House Cup, "Game On" and "Game On II".
My idea around Harry and Draco may be diverted from canon story, but I wish you'll enjoy this story from now on.

I tried setting many magical things here. I'll be happy if you'd leave your thoughts from the next chapter.

Talking of the section, the other author told me the same spot, so I'll fix them ASAP including typos.

I'll also be back to your Astoria story nominated! Congrats!


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Review #6, by carry on with your knitting Prologue

28th August 2015:
Hello! :)
I'm here for the review swap, sorry it took so long, real life got in the way!

I thought this was a really cool idea! I liked the first part with the broomstick maker the description that you started the chapter with; I thought I set the mood really well and created a mysterious effect :) I also like that you put the dilemma in there straight away, to show that the man had competition and was struggling, I hope Harry can help give him a chance!

The ministry part really added to the mystery of the story and I'm interested to know what Harry is hiding!

I have a few CCs but it's totally up to you if you want to use them! :)
I would suggest putting one of the page break line inberween the two sections of the story, to make the change in location a little clearer. And I would also put a little more description in the ministry section to break up the dialogue a bit, you did a great job at the start with the description, but didn't have as much in the ministry section.

Overall good job and I'm looking forward to see what happens next! :)

Katie :)
(Carry on with your knitting)

Author's Response: Hi, Katie! Thank you for review swap! RL is so hard for me, too. I'll be back to your story again ASAP.

Since I wrote two previous stories, I felt sorry I forced you to read the third one, if you have any questions, please ask anytime. Maybe not so many people are interested in mystery and action, but if you could enjoy my story, I feel happy.

I'm glad you could seize the total image of this story. Thank you for CCs. Yeah, I'll check them around the section.

Thank you so much!


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Review #7, by TidalDragon A Rosewood Broomstick

31st May 2015:
Hello hello!

#bummedouttimestwo It seems that Harry is having a REALLY rough time. Hermione's comments certainly aren't making it easier either. Though the fact of it isn't all that unusual I suppose, I did think the manner was a bit off, as Hermione seems to know better post-OOTP when not to press Harry on things.

One thing that I've felt was neat in a way is how you've folded in tidbits of the earlier story into this one to make it easier for a reader like me to just pick up and run with this story without reading its predecessor. For example, when you gave a reason for the hostility between Harry and Ginny, it suddenly made her rough handling of him MUCH more understandable.

The other thing I enjoyed was that you had the courage to take on Hagrid and actually did a pretty solid job of his language. I'm awful at typing accents (or so it would seem from the only feedback I've gotten on my single attempt at it) and so Hagrid is very intimidating, but you handled him well. I think "cuppa" was the only oddity I found.

In any event it seems like you're off to a good beginning of this story. I'm constantly blown away by how much you're able to write so quickly too - it's been about a month and a half since my last update :(

Thanks for sharing this story with us Kenny! And thanks for your review too!

Author's Response: Thank you Kevin for leaving review again!

It may be an old-fashioned way to describe the friendship between Hermione and Harry, but I can't stop. Harry sometimes feels gloomy,and then Hermione plays mum's role for him, I like it.

I don't think the relationship between Harry and Ginny always goes well, so I tried to set a barrier to pass through.

Talking of Hagrid's accent, I'm glad you could understand what I wrote.:)

And speaking of my last update, I have to hide, I need to submitt the new chapter for this.

Thank you for stopping by. I surely be back to your Auror Harry story.


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Review #8, by TidalDragon From the Distance

31st May 2015:
Hello again!

I knew that Dara girl I read about was going to cause beef between Harry and Ginny! #bummedout I feel Harry's pain here too. It's incredibly challenging to be unable to share everything and have a relationship carry on. Though it's always unspoken, I think that creates a lot of the issues between law enforcement officers (LEOs), lawyers, doctors, and their spouses or significant others. There's just such a huge part of life that sometimes can't be shared. But I digress... I hope Harry and Ginny overcome it since, as you know, I'm a HUGE fan.

What intrigued me most about the style of this chapter was how dramatically it shifted in terms of dialogue versus description. In the future I'd try to find ways to effectively balance the amount of dialogue and description in each chapter (though there are always exceptions, I usually say dialogue = description + inner thought is a good minimum standard, though heavier on description and inner thought can often be better if it's not too much). That may just be my taste too, but I think this chapter seemed much stronger to me because you put so much more meat into it with the descriptions and emotion.

See you in Chapter 3!

Author's Response: Thank you for deep thoughts and insight for my story, Kevin. :)
As you know my English skill is so limited, many mates and my mentor has pointed out how the description is important. I try to do better than the past. I always struggle but I enjoy the process very much! Kaitlin really helped me with editting. And here again I feel very thankful you guys in the Lion's Den encourage me.

About Harry/Ginny relationship, I tried the setting, twists and turns. I always think how J.K.Rowling will write about this, if she writes about the relatiohship. So sharing everything is the key between them as you pointed out.

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Review #9, by TidalDragon Prologue

31st May 2015:
Howdy Kenny! SO sorry for leaving my reviewing so late for you. I've been having a rough time lately keeping up with things as well as usual because work has been keeping me BURIED.

Anyway, I can tell from the dialogue that this story kicks on from the other one I reviewed the first chapter of way back when - about the Druids. For that reason, I'll ignore some of the seeming oddities in the relationships (like Harry and Draco being friendly) on the assumption that it's been explained thoroughly there.

While I'm not sure it fits their roles in the Ministry entirely, this chapter was very intriguing because of all the unanswered questions. I thought making them literal unanswered questions via the dialogue with Robards was a unique touch too - it's something that you don't see terribly often other than as a singular cliffhanger device, so it would be interesting to see how I feel about the payoff in later chapters with it done that way.

I'm also intrigued by the broomstick maker (obviously that was the point :p). If broomsticks are presently manufactured entirely from solid wood the idea of injecting other materials into the process is actually pretty cool. Certainly carbon fiber would make them faster and I wonder if they could be infused somehow with other magical elements that would also enhance their properties. In the Quidditch context it sounds like it could introduce a whole new official into the mix to examine brooms pre-match so nobody's cheating, but in other contexts (like for law enforcement or just convenience) could be incredibly useful.

See you next chapter!

Author's Response: Halo Kevin! I understand you're so busy so I really appreciate you left three review at one go. I'll catch up with your Auror story soon.

About Draco/Harry relationship, I may be given the inspiration by much reading about them in other sites and here.

Talking of cliffhanger, I have a plan to set the payoff in the latter of this story ( maybe in the last chapter). To tell the truth, the hint was given from the movie that's about Irish crime story.

Answering question, I feel I must end this story getting out of this procrastinate state. Yeah, it may be a good idea to sign up the kind of story challenge (Kenny left here and went to the forums to sign up, came back to here), now I've made an entry @SamMalfoy's Complete that Story part2.

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Review #10, by Shadowkat Prologue

2nd May 2015:
Good start, maybe try working on flow a bit, a few spots sounded slightly awkward. Otherwise it was a interesting start. Though, I didn't think you could transform into two animals.

Author's Response: Hi, shadowkat. Thank you for leaving review.
Talking of two animagi, the concept naturally happened writing a long novel.

I really respect your way to describe each scene in your story, I'm wondering if you can do a beta for my next story challenge. I may send PM if you don't mind.

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Review #11, by Violet Potter 434 Prologue

3rd April 2015:
so you know I already loved and reviewed your story but I was wondering if you could read my newest chapter to my new story it was validated this morning and it would mean a lot to meals tell me when your next chapter comes out I'll be waiting
from me xxx

Author's Response: Hello, violet. :) Oh! Finally you did? Great. I'll check soon.

Well, my story,..hmmm it'll take more time.
Currently my beta readers are working on the past chapters so I'm going back to my second, but your words let me rethink it.

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Review #12, by Violet Potter 434 Responsibility

30th March 2015:
yay! ! !
I was beginning to wonder if you had forgotten lonely old me and this story but I understand if you were busy.
so as usual great chapter thing and I still think you write beautifully
ohhh the tension is building Dara just spoke to Ginny I think the next chapter should start with a drumroll!... seriously I might even consisder getting angry if you forget to add a drumroll at the top of the next one
talking of next chapters when about is the next out (1 week?? 2 weeks?3 weeks? more?) because as long as I have an estimate and I know you probably think I'm some sad person with no life(tho it is pretty much true) but every day since the one shot I've been checking to see every few hours so an approximate would be nice
from me xxx

Author's Response: Hi, Violet. I'm glad you're waiting for the next. I have to do research for Wales things so it may take time to finish it, but I never give up for this.

Fortunately, I have two beta readers for this, the one worked for the newest one, the other will do for the past chapters, so please stay tuned!

Kenny ;)

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Review #13, by wolfgirl17 Eye Healer in a Muggle Town

22nd March 2015:

I'm here for our swap!

So first off, I'm a little lost thanks to this being the 5th chapter and I've not read the earlier ones, so rather than discussing plot, which I'm not familiar with, I'll focus more on spelling/grammar, flow, formatting and the like.

You've got a few mistakes throughout. Such as:

"All he could do was just hanging around the spot where they vanished."

Which I suspect was meant to say:

"All he could do was just hang around the spot where they vanished."

Also, you seem to have a lot of missing words and I'm wondering if may English isn't your first language? I only mention it because there are several sentences throughout where you've missed words or seem to have them in the wrong order. I mean, I can still work out what you are intending with each sentence, but they don't flow well because they aren't written in the same way one would say them aloud.

Beyond that, I liked the concept of Harry meeting up with the Dursleys again after the war. It's nice to think that they would eventually consider Harry a good man and not a waste of space and a burden they ought to be embarrassed about.

Thanks for the swap.


Author's Response: Thank you for doing a kind of beta reading, I really appreciate for that. My language is very different from yours so it's hard to compose things. I may often miss words and block flow in consequence. I feel thankful for your pointing them out.

I thought to write about Vernon Dursley's blaming Harry but changed my mind. Harry deserves to have peace relationship between them.

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Review #14, by adluvshp Eye Healer in a Muggle Town

22nd March 2015:
Hello! Here for our review swap.

This was an interesting chapter. I liked how you set up the meeting between Dudley and Harry. The whole visit to the eye-healer thing was also quite fascinating. I liked how you portrayed Dudley. The ending was also very sweet. Good work all in all =)


Author's Response: Wow you read my story so fast. Thank you so much. I didn't have confidence how readers would feel about visiting eye-healer thing and the ending, so your review gave me some encouragement. :)

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Review #15, by marauderfan Easter Holidays

28th February 2015:
Hi! I am finally here with the review you requested! Very sorry for the long delay!

Your characterisation of the canon characters is wonderful. I especially enjoyed the end bit where George plays a prank on Malfoy just because, and Hermione kind of admonishes him because Malfoy is an Auror now. Both actions seemed very in character! And I like how even though Hermione is still at school and Harry and Ron are in Auror training, their friendship is still their greatest strength. Aw. I think you did well with Mrs Weasley as well - I'd imagine she would be kind of awkward around Andromeda for a while because of killing Bellatrix. So yeah, really well done all around with the characters' personalities.

You've got a good mix of different things going on here, from Auror Headquarters to Hogwarts to the students still in school. As for plot flow, it seemed a bit choppy to me. For example, I wasn't entirely sure why Legilimency was brought up during their tests on the broomsticks to see if they were cursed. I have a feeling it might be due to referring to past events (the previous two fics in your series which I'm not familiar with) so I was a bit confused there. If you want to make this fic stand alone, some brief explanation in the story might be useful. Or if the Legilimency bit didnt have anything to do with previous events, you could maybe provide some information as to why they discuss Legilimency at this point, maybe give the reader an idea why it's so important. The backstory about Robards and Scrimgeour was great, but it felt kind of awkwardly added in. So just a little smoothing out with the Legilimency bit would really help that back story shine even better!

Interesting that you added information about broomsticks on the Gryffindor Quidditch team. I wonder if they are involved with the cursed broomstick plot somehow!

This was a really great chapter, I enjoyed it! Keep up the excellent work :)

Author's Response: Thank you, marauderfan for stopping by. It might be complicated to read in the middle of the story. But your advice let me think to add more information about mystery of broomsticks.

Authors can keep going with kind review and some suggestion. Thank you so much for sparing time for this.

I'm working on the newewst chapter right now but I'll come back here to do more details.

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Review #16, by Violet Potter 434  Hunt

20th February 2015:
hey just thought id tell you that they keep saying no t my story so I've given up mow- they wanted me to say what was a quote and say who wrote it (jk rowling... duh- I laredy did a disclaimer), what book,what page, what line etc so Ive stopped and have decided to wrie something else and ill tell you when that's coming out- cause your a good writer and I want people who can write opinions
anyway is there another chaptor f yours coming out or will I have to wait a while because I cant wait
from me

Author's Response: Thank you for leaving review, Violet Potter 434. :)
I wish you won't give up writing your story.

I got a nice beta friend, so an one - shot, which is a sequel to " Tryouts " of this story, will be posted soon.
I hope you'll enjoy it.

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Review #17, by Violet Potter 434 Get Together

13th February 2015:
OMG! your stories are so good, please write more and don't stop, I hate it when good writers start writing and never get to the end of space(if you say your going to fill in the gap between deathly hallows and the epilogue you have to do the whole 17/19? years, right?) anyway please keep writing and if you get any time please read my first chapter when its released (I sent it to the website today :) )love your stories so yeah keep writing

from...well me x

Author's Response: Thanks, Violet Potter 434 . I'm really happy to get your encouragement. You're right, I intend to fill the blank between 17 and the time of his marriage.

It seems your opinion is the same as mine. Not a few good post- Hogwarts writers stop writing. I understand most of them are busy in the real lives or they found more exciting things in the Muggle world. But neverending stories are our dreams, right? I'll read your story, I promise. :)

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Review #18, by bethanex Auror's Team(1)

8th February 2015:
It's Bethanex, from the review forums. First off, I'm coming into this story without much context, but from what I can see, it's very face-paced and action-filled. The plot is certainly intriguing. At the same time, there are a lot of grammatical errors that make it harder to follow along with the action and flow of the story, as well as what people are trying to say. Hope this helped! -beth

Author's Response: Thank you, Bethanex, you did this quickly.:)
I'm glad you got the feeling about the plot.
I requested a beta reader, and I hope someone will help me with checking grammatical errors.

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Review #19, by AlexFan Prologue

6th February 2015:
I'm so sorry that it's taken me so long to get to your review but everything has been very busy lately.

Pacing/Flow: The pacing felt a little bit rushed in my opinion. I think the beginning was fine, I could understand the situation that was going on but the second half, with Harry in it, felt rushed, which was mostly due to the fact that it was almost completely composed of dialogue. One suggestion that I would make is to focus on your description, talk about what the characters are doing, their expressions, whether they're fidgeting or not. You could even describe what kind of room that they're in and such, it would really help slow everything down and pull in the reader.

Secondly, the scene with Harry was a little confusing, I know that it was supposed to be mysterious, and don't get me wrong, it does leave me wanting to read more of the story, but at the same time, it's a little confusing. Harry is being very vague with what he's saying, and I don't have a clear idea of exactly what's going on between him and his Head of Department. Maybe if you gave some background on why Harry is in his Head's office and maybe gave a slight summary of the events that took place before his meeting it would make everything a little less ambiguous.

That being said, what you do have at the moment is good, especially the beginning, I liked the detail that was in it and the mystery that you have going on with the broom maker and his problem, I thought that was a very good way to start off the story. Unfortunately, I don't have the time at the moment to go through each and every chapter of your story (unless you come back and request for the second chapter), or really any story at the moment unless it's requested of me. But I hope I was a little bit helpful!

(I would also recommend a beta since they can pick up on any mistakes that you may not see and make suggestions to your writing. It never hurts to have a second opinion!)

Author's Response: Thank you for sparing time for this, AlexFan.
To focus on my description is my top priority. I'll reread and have to describe more.

I intended to mask the clue but your suggestion to write some background why Harry was in the office should be kept in my mind.

I've just posted for a beta request on forum, I wish I could develop skills in writing stories with advice.

Thank you again, your decent review!

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Review #20, by missatron Memories of Young Warriors

23rd January 2015:
Hello StarFeather. This is Missy here, dropping by from the review thread to fufill your requested review.

So, you asked me to read chapter eight. Since I haven't read chapters 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, and 7, I'm not very sure where we are actually up to in this chapter. The chapter starts off with grammar mistake (don't worry, it happens to everyone ♥ ) which stood out to me. There were definitley too many spaces between Ron's speech. I get the idea that it is Hermione's wedding soon, and they are chatting about who has been invited. Am I right? It didn't seem clear to me.

I also noticed that this chapter contained a huge amount of dialogue. I don't know whether that was what you were going for, but I'd like to hear a bit more description. Try to make the scene 3D for the reader.

The characterisations of Harry and Ron were well written. I thought that you nailed that element of the chapter.

Another thing I wanted to bring up was the fluency. Some of this seemed just a little too stilted in areas. For example, a technique that you used very often in the story was saying:

'And he said,

"Hello!"' (This is just an example).

It just didn't seem to flow. I'm not sure whether I have missed something, but when I read it, there was too much of a pause.

Hope that this helped. Feel free to re request!


Author's Response: Thank you so much, missatron. I really appreciate for your advice.

In my country teachers teach lots of grammar but they have less time to spare for composition. The points you showed above are exactly what I wanted to know.

Sorry for asking the hard task, the wedding was not Hermione's, so I remember I have to recap the summary of the previous stories.

I'll try to describe more.

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Review #21, by marauderfan A Rosewood Broomstick

17th January 2015:
Hi! I'm here with your requested review! :)

You've got the measure of Harry's personality so well, as well as how he would have changed over time. I loved when Robards pointed out that Harry used to just go with his instinct, and over the years of Auror training has changed to the point where he wants proof. Quite different to how he was at Hogwarts :p

Aw, Neville and Hannah! I like that they get a moment to shine. :D

I'm really impressed with how you wrote Hagrid, as well. You have a wonderful grasp on all the characters' personalities - and you even managed to get Hagrid's complicated speech pattern so well done! I also love that Grawp was mentioned in this story, because I feel like he often kind of gets forgotten about, so that was cool to see here.

One of the things you mentioned you were worried about is this being the third novel in a series. So, yes, that does make it a bit hard to get into, as there are a lot of events referenced from the first two novels (like this Dara character) that I'm picking up a vague idea about but don't really know. If you did want to make it so this story stands alone even as a sequel, one way I've seen that done is by having some recap paragraphs in the first couple of chapters - this helps remind readers who have already read the first one, as well as acquaints new readers with the plot. So that might be something to edit back into this chapter or the one before it - a couple of paragraphs that summarize what's happened before in the narrative. If you want.

I just want to say I am SO impressed with your writing this despite English not being your first language. I can't imagine writing fic in my second language, particularly three whole novels as you've done :O so kudos to you for that. I do notice, however, some odd word patterns here and there, and maybe a beta would be beneficial. On the forums you can ask for a beta reader who helps you edit, catches typos and phrases that don't make sense, etc. And they're all really nice! So if you're interested, that might help you a lot.

I hope this review helps! Keep up the great work - your characterisation is wonderful and you're building up your plot nicely - looks like the start to a great story! :)

Author's Response: Thank you for your advice, marauderfan. I have not understood how to request a beta yet but I will check them in the forums later.

Your suggestion, to recap paragraphs on the top is a good idea. I think of new readers who has not read the old stories and it's a good thing for the readers who have read the first and the second as well.

I like how you write review and really appreciate for your sparing time for this.

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Review #22, by Wistful Prologue

15th January 2015:
I love the premise of the story so much! Harry's characterization was on point, and while this was short, it's a good opening to a story. Looking forward to checking out the next chapters!

Author's Response: Thank you very much for your quick review, Wistful. I really appreciate for that. There're lots of stories in this site, so I'm happy to have review to encourage me to keep writing.

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Review #23, by marauderfan From the Distance

14th January 2015:
Hi StarFeather (I love your username)! I'm here for the review swap! (You'll be getting your other review on this story, the one you requested in my thread, in a few days once I catch up on the requests haha.)

wow, all sorts of things happening so far! I haven't read the prequels to this story but I've picked up on how Harry and Ron are trainee Aurors and have already done some pretty cool sounding stuff in neat places, based on the references to past adventures. I think Harry's post-Hogwarts life is such an interesting time to explore, because he's still 'the hero who saved the wizarding world', but he's at the bottom of the ladder in terms of Auror training as he never finished school. And there's just so many possibilities of cool stories for Aurors. I'm really excited to see what happens. You've presented some really interesting ideas here in your fic, from what I've read so far.

Gah, it's so cute that Ron's Animagus form is an Otter and how it matches Hermione's Patronus :D ♥ Unfortunately not that useful of an Animagus unless he's near water, but I guess you can't choose what your Animagus is, haha! Interesting that Harry has two, and that one of them is a stag. I've never seen the idea of having two Animagi forms, that's really original. That would be so useful!

I love that Harry still holds the knowledge of Rita Skeeter's unregistered Animagus form so he can blackmail her into not publishing cruel and gossipy books haha.

So they captured this mystery hooded wizard. A broomstick smuggler? I wonder what they have discovered!

Great chapter! :)

Author's Response: Thank you so much for leaving your wonderful comment, marauderfan. I can also learn a lot from your way to write review. Answering review is one of my challenge, which trains me to write better sentences.

You got the point, I put so many incidents together in my story, I need to sort them out for readers, that's my homework.

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Review #24, by Anonymous Get Together

13th January 2015:
Loved this chapter though I'm still not clear who's gonna be seeker and where Malfoy will play. Can't wait for next chapter. Keep up this amazing work

Author's Response: Thank you for leaving your review, Anonymous.
Yeah, your question got to the point, I kept my intentions masked.

"If J.K Rowling wrote this kind of story, what would she write next?" I always ask to myself.

I have little vocabulary skills, so I want to build up my vocabulary and power of expression.

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Review #25, by Anonymous  Hunt

5th January 2015:
Absolutely loved this story. Can't wait for more action and especially for quidditch matches. Have to say you are a very gifted author. Please keep updated ASAP.

Author's Response: Thank you for encouraging me, Anonymous.
I'm setting up the stage for Quidditch matches and more action right now. I'll try to update ASAP.

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