Reading Reviews for Double Trouble
  
17 Reviews Found

Review #1, by silverashes Prologue-October 31st

3rd September 2013:
Hello there!

There was one minor thing that I noticed when I was reading. In the first paragraph you had a spelling mistake. It said "make" instead of "may". Other than that your grammar was perfect!

As for the flow, I think you did a nice job! It's very smooth. Nothing jumped out at me as out of place. I'm slightly confused as to how Sirius will be her father because he goes to Azkaban. Though I have full confidence that you will explain that later, seeing as this is only the prologue! I like the idea of the story. I think it cab be believable if you come up with a good story behind it, and as far as I can tell, you have! I think the details in the story are fabulous. I really felt like I was watching as movie as I read. I could picture each scene and feel the emotions of the characters through your words.

Overall I think you have a really great beginning to a story! I can't wait to see where you take this!

xx Rachel

Author's Response: I knew there had to be one grammar mistake that would get past me and my beta I'll go fix that when I get the chance.

Ahh but who says Sirius is going to Azkaban? I couldn't do that to my favorite character :D It's actually explained more in the 2nd chapter.

I'm so happy that you liked the story and that you actually felt that you were watching a movie that made me smile so big that I actually think I look slightly crazy as my boyfriend is giving me a weird look.

Thanks so much for the review:D


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Review #2, by BLONDEbehaviour Chapter 2- Meet Jasmine Potter

3rd September 2013:
Hello hello!

Wow, lots of information in this chapter!! Poor Jasmine, having to take this all in at an alarming rate, I'd hate to be in this position, it would be a very conflicting one! I would take it very similarly to her, maybe even worse!

When it comes to the information, i think you have done well n spacing it out. I feel like it is supposed to feel overwhelming, so we can get Jasmines perspective, but it is not too overwhelming for the reader to not be able to grasp it, so well done :)

My only snag with the way you have set it out, and i can see in your authors note that you have explained it somewhat, is the amount of dialogue in the chapter. I don't think it is too much of a problem myself, it works well, but i had trouble depicting who was speaking where, as it doesn't get identified often enough. Maybe by writing who was speaking, and what they were ding, looking uneasy, or grasping a chair or such, would jut help to identify which character is speaking where, and will also help to break up the dialogue just a bit for room to breathe between speakers. I hope that makes sense and doesn't come across as harsh, it's not meant to at all!

Apart from that, i like the chapter! I'm interested in seeing what happens to Jasmine next :) Feel free to re-request, like always :)

Blondie :D

Author's Response: Yay I'm so glad you like the chapter! I would be going crazy if I had to deal with what Jasmine is going through.

As for the dialogue you didn't come off harsh at all. I have a problem with separating dialogue (I'm trying to teach myself the enter button is my friend. Lol) and I currently obtained a beta so that will be fixed soon.

Thanks for the review :D


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Review #3, by NatySkyPot Chapter 4- Brother's and their stalkers

3rd September 2013:
Excelente capitulo, esto deseando poder leer el průximo.

Author's Response: Aww thanks for the review and I'm glad you liked the chapter. I'm currently in the process of writing the next chapter so it should be up soon.


Aww gracias por la revisión y me alegra que te gustó el capítulo. En la actualidad estoy en el proceso de escribir el siguiente capítulo por lo que debe de ser pronto.

(google translator is my best friend lol)


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Review #4, by MC_HK Chapter 1- Meet Juliana Freed

2nd September 2013:
Hello! Sorry for the long wait. I've been travelling and the internet has been somewhat elusive.

I think this is a good chapter. You definitely let your character's personality shine through a lot by adding in her thoughts and reasonings. You have a lot of humor and make your character very relatable.

I do see some errors though. Like these:

"ran it threw my hair" should be changed to "ran it THROUGH my hair".

"where we fighting" I think you meant "were we fighting"?

There are also issues with punctuation and tense that really stand out to me. I also find myself having a difficult time figuring out who is talking. I think that if every time you have a new person talking, you could break the paragraph when you have the next person talk, that would clear up a lot of confusion.

Overall this is a good chapter with a lot of potential, and I can't wait to find out what comes next.

Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review. I'm glad you like the chapter and the personality of Jasmine/Juliana.

My beta is currently editing this chapter so hopefully all those errors you found will be fixed soon and I really need to remember to separate dialogue.

Thanks again for the review :D


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Review #5, by BLONDEbehaviour Chapter 1- Meet Juliana Freed

1st September 2013:
Hi hi!

Another cool chapter! I love how it has changed to Juliana's P.O.V, its a great way to introduce the character and get a full perspective of what is going on in her head when she finds out all that new information!! It would be a lot to take on board, and i think you did well in her reaction to it, so well done! I definitely would've acted in the same way.

A few grammar spots that i saw, the word pink probably doesn't need to be capitalized, or does it stand for something? If it does, ignore this comment! Also, wit this quote here ďI suppose I have but that still doesn't explain why I have to be here. Heís your friend, not mine. I want to go meet my friends. Please mom let me go." i was a bit confused, as you had it after Sirius/Mark spoke, in the same paragraph, and i thought it was him saying it for a second! Maybe just mention that it is her speaking :)

I think you did well in description of the characters and the situation, but i do believe you may have been able to elaborate more on describing the things around her. When she woke up, what did her room look like? The kitchen? When Dumbledore arrive they went into the living room, what was that like? I personally find it awesome when we can make a mental image of the situation, it's almost like being there!

I hope this review was helpful! It was a bit more nit-picky than the last one, but hopefully it is things that will improve your story, and make it better than it already is! I'm really enjoying it, and excited to see what comes next. Feel free to re-request once again :)

Please respond to this review too, thanks!! :D

Blonde

Author's Response: Thanks for the review!

I'm glad that you liked the chapter and Jasmine/Juliana's reaction and agreed with it.

I had pink capitalized because it's Pink by Victoria Secret and I wasn't sure if it needed to be capitalized or not.

My beta has this chapter right now re editing it so the grammar problems you spotted will be fixed including the fact that I don't like to separate the dialogue.

I definitely lacked the description in everything but the characters in this chapter because I just wanted to get to Juliana's shock but I will go back and add more description for the rooms and everything.

Thanks again for the review!


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Review #6, by marauderfan Chapter 1- Meet Juliana Freed

28th August 2013:
Hello! marauderfan here with your requested review.

What a shock for Juliana/Jasmine! It was funny that she thought it was a joke because she'd told her friend she was the daughter of wolves. It's weird to imagine Mrs Figg being Jasmine's fake mum, I don't know how Sirius and Mrs Figg put up with each other for that long, lol. That's quite the acting job they did.

Jasmine seems like an average teenager, with her priorities being her friends, and getting away from her "old" parents and their friend. She swears a lot too - but I guess I would do the same if I'd just been told that my whole life was a lie!

Dumbledore seemed a little out of character, but as every fanfic writer knows it's impossible to write Dumbledore. I think if you just took out the part where he smirks, he'd seem a lot more in character. (I can't recall Dumbledore ever smirking in the books.)

In some places it's kind of unclear who's talking because the speaking lines are stuck together for different speakers. Like here: "Julie! Language!" My mother shouted sternly. "It's fine Arabella. It is a lot to take in and she has a right to be upset."
This sounds like it's all the same person speaking, when really the first line is Mrs Figg and the second line is Dumbledore. So maybe a separation between speakers would help! :)

Hope that helps! Good work on this chapter :)

Author's Response: Thanks for the review! Can't you just imagine Sirius and Arabella having to sleep in the same room to keep up the pretense of being a happy married couple?

I think the swearing is just my personality coming out because I swear like a sailor and for some reason I always have my Oc's swearing like a sailor also...I have to work on that but I'm glad that you thought she was like an average teenager.

Writing Dumbledore is so hard because there are so many opinions on his personality and I tried so hard to keep him canon but only the great JK Rowling can write Dumbledore perfectly. Dumbledore isn't actually smirking he's just doing that smile that drove Harry crazy at the end of OTP and Jasmine in her anger thinks he's smirking at her...I will definitely go back and try to word it that way or take it out entirely.

I have a problem of not separating the dialogue and it gets all mushed together but I just got myself a beta so hopefully she can drill that into my head.

Thanks again for the review!


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Review #7, by BLONDEbehaviour Prologue-October 31st

28th August 2013:
Hi there, BLONDEbehaviour here with your requested review!

A good start to the story! I love that it was Sirius that found them and ended up looking after Jasmine, that's a neat twist! Sirius is my all time favourite marauder, and i believe there is so much more that can be done with him, so him being Jasmines' 'father' is a good approach!

I think the flow of the chapter is good! It starts off at a good place, and the flow regarding him leaving and then leaving the country for good is direct. Direct in a good way, as i feel if you spent too much longer on it it would've felt a bit dragged along, so it laid out a good start!

Your grammar really isn't as bad as you think!! There's a few spelling mistakes but it happens in all stories (even some i've beta-d have spelling mistakes i've missed!). There are a few sentences that could be reworked to sound better, but that is something that a beta can help you with :)

That accuracy of the characters was spot on, poor Sirius, he seems heartsick by the event, i really feel bad for him!

The only thing i could think that you could include is some more detail into the house, how it looks, the destruction etc. But considering it is a prologue it may not be needed, it still makes a good start!!

Hope you keep writing!! Feel free to re-request!

Please respond to this review :)

Blondie

Author's Response: Thanks for the review!

I love Sirius so much that I just couldn't send him to Azkaban so I decided the next best thing was to make him raise Jasmine so he would be safe from Azkaban and I get my Sirius fix.

I'm glad that you think the flow of the chapter wasn't rushed and that you thought it was good.

I just recently obtained a beta so that will be looked after soon.

I know poor Sirius, I feel so sad every time I think of him finding his friends like that.

I'll definitely take your suggestion into consideration and add some more detail.

Thanks again for the review!


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Review #8, by CauldronCharm130 Chapter 4- Brother's and their stalkers

18th August 2013:
I really like this plot line so far :) Never read anything like it and I like the way you are writing it. I hope you keep going with this. :) xx

Author's Response: Thank you so much :D I'm definitely continuing with it. I just hit a road block with the next chapter but it should be up by next week *fingers crossed* Keep your eye out for it. Thanks for the review and I'm glad you like the story :D

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Review #9, by UnluckyStar57 Prologue-October 31st

17th August 2013:
Hi! I'm here with the review you requested a little while ago. :)

So, this seems like a very interesting story. I've never read a story where Harry has a sibling, much less, a twin! It will be very intriguing to watch things pan out in Jasmine's life, especially since she's going to live under an alias far from her brother.

I did notice a lot of run-ons and a few grammar slips, but I saw that you're planning on getting a beta, so I won't try to point them out to you superfluously.

I really think that this chapter could have a bit more description in it. What are some of the emotions rushing through Sirius' head? How does the way he feels affect the way he acts? What do the surroundings look like?

Also, why does Sirius have to run away with Arabella Figg? Is it because she's a Squib that happens to be in the neighborhood? Will she behave as a grandmother figure to Jasmine? I'm very interested to see what her role in the story will be!

Good start to the story! :)

May your pen never run out of ink!

~UnluckyStar57

Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review. I have gone back and noticed I rushed the chapter instead of letting it flow naturally so I will be going back and adding more details. All I can say about Arabella is she won't be how she's perceived in the book. Thanks again for the review.

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Review #10, by marauderfan Prologue-October 31st

16th August 2013:
Hello! Here with your requested review.

This is such an interesting idea. I've never read a story about a long-lost twin of Harry's - I don't tend to branch out into AU very often, so this is a nice change for me!

I like the little details you've included such as Harry reaching for Sirius and calling him "Pafoo" - that's adorable. :D And it's nice to think that in this story Sirius wasn't in prison for 14 years, he deserved so much better than that. I'm curious how Mrs Figg comes into this, too!

You asked about grammar/punctuation. I found a lot of run-on sentences without commas - fortunately this is an easy fix. And if you have trouble with grammar and punctuation I'd suggest getting a beta, they can help! :)

For the story flow, there are some large chunks of text that I think could be separated into different paragraphs, especially when there are two different speakers in the paragraph. Or when one person is talking to different people - in the first paragraph Sirius addresses James, then Lily, then Harry and Jasmine, and then Hagrid - this could be four paragraphs.

And as for believability - I think it's mostly believable given the circumstances of your story. The only thing I wondered is why they kept Jasmine separated from Harry for so long - after like 5 years of no Death Eaters, maybe they'd have thought it safe for her to return to the country again?

I hope I didn't come across as too harsh. I think that with a little fixing up of the grammar/punctuation, you could have a great story that flows well. Nice start to your story! :)

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review and I'm glad you liked it. As for the grammar and punctuation I am currently looking for a beta and I'm hoping to find one before I put the next chapter up. The reason they kept Jasmine separated from Harry for so long is Dumbledore just worried that even though there was no hint from the Death Eaters that as soon as Jasmine returned they would go after her or Harry. I touched based on it in Chapter 2 but I might go back and add more details to it from some suggestions I received in reviews. You didn't come across as harsh at all as I know my grammar/punctuation is horrid and i need help. Thanks again.

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Review #11, by Illuminate Prologue-October 31st

16th August 2013:
Hi! Review Tag!

This is a good first chapter, and an intriguing idea for a story! It's very interesting to think about what would happen if Harry had a sibling, and I think it's a good idea for giving Jasmine to Sirius. I think your characterisation of Dumbledore is good!

You have a little flow problem in that there are some missing commas and other punctuation issues :) I see from other reviews that you already know this so I hope you succeed in getting a beta soon :) One more thing- just a little Britishism; In Britain we say 'nappies,' not 'diapers,' so the diaper bag would be a nappy bag :)

All in all, good job!

Author's Response: Thank you so much for reviewing and I'm glad you liked the idea for the story. I'm enormously happy that you liked my characterisation of Dumbledore I was worried that no one would like the way I wrote him. I am in the process of searching for a beta and I hope I find one soon to fix the train wreck that is my grammar/punctuation. Thanks so much for the britishism I will definitely make sure I change it from diaper bag to nappy bag. Thanks for the review!

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Review #12, by academica Prologue-October 31st

13th August 2013:
Hello, stopping by from Review Tag!

This was a good opening chapter. Lots of intrigue and mystery, and I liked how you explained why we've never heard of Jasmine Potter. Nice of you to save her and Sirius in one fell swoop :) As you may be aware, Harry having a twin is sort of a cliche, so I'd definitely encourage you to do what you can to make this story your own as you develop it more. My theory about them being alive is that Harry destroyed Voldemort before Jasmine was put in harm's way (i.e., Jasmine doesn't have particular powers of her own, just a great brother). Oh, and I liked your details, like Harry calling Sirius 'Padfoo.' That was just way too adorable!

I noticed several places with missing words or typos, so you may want to consider getting a beta to look over this. (You might already be in that process, actually, since I think I saw you post in the beta subforum.) I also noticed a lot of long, rambly sentences that need to be broken up, like this one: Sirius Black rushed into the destroyed Potter house tears filling his eyes as he found his best friend and brother in everything but blood James Potter lying on the stairs.

Good start!

-Amanda

Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review. I'm glad that you like it so far and I'm hoping the way I have this planned won't be as cliche. I couldn't let Sirius die or go to jail I just love him to much. I am currently in the process of getting a beta hopefully I get one soon as I know my writing desperately needs again. Thanks again for the review!

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Review #13, by MC_HK Prologue-October 31st

12th August 2013:
This story has a very interesting plot. Seeing as I have never read a story about Harry having a twin before, it's pretty new to me and original.

Okay, to address your concerns. I do find some disruption in the flow of the chapter due to punctuation issues. I think you've got some areas that are in need of commas, as this has a lot of run on sentences. Breaking those up with commas would alleviate some confusion and make the flow better. I also think there are times where you should break up the paragraphs a little more as well, just to make it easier on the eyes.

I do think that because so much happened in the chapter and that it is so short, it felt a little bit rushed. I think there are some details you could add, such as a little bit more description, or even lengthening the dialogue between characters a little bit more.

Other than that, I find this interesting! Feel free to re-request MC_HK

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review. I will take what you said into consideration and try to incorporate into the chapter. As for the punctuation and grammar I'm currently on the market for a beta on the forums and hopefully I will find someone who can help me with the disgrace known as my punctuation and there lack of. Thanks again!

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Review #14, by ginerva_molly_weasley Prologue-October 31st

12th August 2013:
Hi there. Here I am from review tag.

I have never read a Harry twin story before so this was a nice change to extend my reading genres. I think it was written well and you got off to a very good start giving you some good ground to progress further on into the story.

One thing I noticed was that the dialogue there wasn't clear especially that between Sirius to James and Sirius to Lily as it was all bunched up in a paragraph so you could possibly change the formatting of this to make it easier to read.

You might also want to include more description to pad out the chapter a little bit more as it felt a little bit too structured with it being very set however as you are still trying to stick to canon here you may just want to consider it for further chapters. Its not a major point but it would enhance the story.

I do find myself wanting to know more about how this is going to play out with Sirius being with Arabella in Australia. Though I am still unclear as to Dumbledore's motives as Dumbledore knows that Harry is safe whilst in Petunia's care so this would surely apply to Jasmine too?

However the plot line is good and I expect you will expand a lot more into further chapters.

GinevraMollyPotter

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review. I just went over the paragraph where the dialogue is all bunched up and rushed and agree with you one hundred percent. I will make sure I go back and change that. Also for description you are not the first person to mention that and it is really something I need to work on as I'm the kind of person who wants to get down to the nitty gritty and quick and that reflects in my writing. Thanks again for the review!

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Review #15, by The lucky one Prologue-October 31st

6th August 2013:
Can u make ur banner move slower? It's making me dizzy.

Author's Response: I didn't make the banner but I can ask the artist who did if they can make it slower.

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Review #16, by bubbaduckie06 Chapter 2- Meet Jasmine Potter

5th August 2013:
Its great. Looking forward to where it is going. Even happier that Sirius isn't dead

Author's Response: Thank you! I couldn't kill Sirius off I cried when that happened and I didn't want him in Azkaban so I had to create a role where he his my slave ahem i mean a loving godfather :D The next chapter is waiting for valdiation so it will be up soon

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Review #17, by squirrelsocks Chapter 2- Meet Jasmine Potter

5th August 2013:
Hey! I really like the idea of this story and I can't wait to find out where it's going! Maybe you should get a beta, though, to clear up any grammar/punctuation mistakes... Just a tip! Love the story though, keep writing! Emily x

Author's Response: Thank you for the review. I know this idea wouldn't get out my head so I just had to make a story. I have no idea how to go about getting a beta if you know or know someone I could ask that would be greatly appreciated. I try to make sure I check all my chapters multiple times but I know its not perfect. The next chapter will be up soon (its waiting for validation).

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