Reading Reviews for A Rodent Revealed
  
16 Reviews Found

Review #1, by MissesWeasley123 A Rodent Revealed

20th October 2013:
Hi!

Sorry for this short opinion, I'll PM you too.

Wormtail. You grasp him so good. I enjoy "Tick tock". So smart, truly. So canon, and good. Your good at writing. Woohoo! Lupin and Sirius was portrayed good.

Author's Response: Haha! I'm pleased I waited for your PM before replying to this, I was so confused. Thank you though. As always, I'm glad you liked it :)

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Review #2, by academica A Rodent Revealed

19th August 2013:
Hello HMP, I'm here with your requested review!

I think this was a very good first attempt at using present tense! Personally, I feel it's healthy to experiment with new elements in writing, and kudos to you for being willing to try it out for yourself. The flow here seemed to work just fine for me, so I wouldn't worry too much about that. I didn't really see any major problems with grammar, either--perhaps a couple of forgotten commas, but certainly no major flow interruptions.

I think you did a very nice job setting up Peter's betrayal here, and I'm impressed that you were able to hold on to his "good nature" for as long as you did. He just seemed like he was put in a directly desperate situation and did what he did in an attempt to save his own skin, not unlike other Death Eaters, I'm sure. (Not everyone has Bellatrix's undying enthusiasm, let's be honest.) In the end, though, you definitely convinced the reader that he got what was coming to him, and you gave us a glimpse inside his head during the chaos of the conflict inside the Shrieking Shack.

I also really liked your narrative style of flipping back and forth between brief flashbacks and the story being told in real time. I especially liked the brevity of the flashbacks and the way they seemed to be continually interrupted by the action because that just seemed realistic and appropriate pace-wise. I also liked the inclusion of the "tick, tock" theme because it was like Peter was literally counting down what remained of his freedom and potentially his life.

I don't have a lot of crit for you, I'm afraid--I definitely did enjoy this story, and I always enjoy reading portrayals of characters that differ from my own, especially very good ones like this :)

Hope this review is (somewhat) helpful!

-Amanda

Author's Response: Hi Amanda, thanks for responding to my request :D

I completely agree about trying out new things in writing and this was definitely new territory for me, generally I like to write fluffy stories so this was really different but fun nonetheless. I'm really terrible with my comma use, I either use far too many or not enough. It's definitely something I'm trying to work on!

Peter is such a complex character and it's tough to do him justice and I think that's why he's not often a main character in fanfiction I did want to explain his reasoning behind switching sides and having him captured and threatened seemed like a cowardly way to have him do it but ultimately I wanted him to be 'the bad guy' so I'm pleased that came across!

The flashbacks were something I really debated over including but I wanted Peter to be looking back at how his life had come to this point so I'm really happy you liked them! I think his whole perspective of things would have been chaotic at this point and wanted the story to reflect that.

No crit is absolutely fine, sometimes it's amazing to read a review that simply praises your story and this one really made me smile. Thanks so much!

-Dee xx


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Review #3, by Elphaba and Boyfriends A Rodent Revealed

16th August 2013:
Hi, Elphaba here with your requested review!

First of all, I think this is a really cool idea for a story. The first-person, present tense perspective works really well to create tension.

I really like this line, it's very Peterish: "As usual, my brain fails me. Panic and adrenaline are coursing through me; ideas are not." :) The description of Peter's attempts to chew his way out of Ron's pocket are great.

I'm not entirely sure about Peter's memory of Remus: "He had grown suspicious of my behaviour lately; I could see it in the way he looked at me." Whether this suspicion is in-canon and in-character may be debatable, because Remus and Sirius admit that they suspected each other before the Potters' death. It's possible that Remus remembered things differently than Peter did, though. :)

I think you do present tense well overall, however I did catch a slip-up here: "I do not hear Remus asking Ron to see his rat, I simply feel a hand grab me..." The first phrase, "I do not hear..." doesn't quite work in the present tense, because if he didn't hear Remus, then how would he know that he didn't hear him? Unless he's looking back at this events from a later time, he wouldn't have the perspective to describe what he missed. That's the only bit that stuck out. Overall, you maintain present tense quite well.

I like the "Tick tock" refrain, as it helps to build up the tension towards the story's conclusion. Right around here: "Ron clutches me closer, unbeknownst to him he is condemning me to death..." I think you could use even more description of Peter's struggles to get away, and how his imminent death affects him physically and emotionally. You want to escalate the tension all the way to the conclusion and his big reveal!

I like how you end the story with Remus's line from PoA. Thanks for sharing, this was enjoyable to read! :)

Author's Response: Hello! Thanks for responding to my review request :)

I can definitely see your point about Remus' suspicion being out of character, I was actually thinking about him and Sirius being suspicious of each other and wondering if that would also apply to Peter. I think that the war would make people paranoid about a lot of things and wanted to include that from Remus' side (worrying about Peter's behaviour) and Peter's side (worrying that Remus suspected him) if that makes sense?

The line you pointed out about tense makes sense too, I can't believe I missed that! Thanks for pointing it out :)

I'm glad you liked the 'tick tock' I wanted to use it to build the tension in the story, your advice about Peter's attempts to escape is really helpful too, I'll be sure to edit that part when I come back to this story :)

The ending was a favourite part of mine so I'm pleased you liked it too. Thanks so much for a very helpful review!


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Review #4, by magnolia_magic A Rodent Revealed

14th August 2013:
Hi Dee! I'm finally here with your requested review!

Wow. I have to say this is my favorite of your work I've read so far. You've done such an incredible job of crafting Peter's story. In this oneshot you help us understand him, but don't push us to like him, and I think that's the perfect approach.

I love the use of "tick tock" throughout the story; it adds a sense of urgency and really keeps the narrative pushing forward. And I also really enjoyed the use of present tense for that reason. You did an awesome job of keeping us in the moment. I was on the edge of my seat, really :D

My one suggestion would be a tiny nitpick about flow. I love your use of flashbacks, but sometimes I think you could do without the transition sentences into them. Let's take the first one as an example: I don't think you necessarily need to say, "It all came down to a choice I made a long time ago." You're using italics and switching to past tense for the flashback, and those techniques make it very clear what you're doing without using a transition sentence to set it up. As it is now, it sort of feels like a bumpy ride into the flashbacks instead of a smooth flow into them. But then again, that's just my opinion, and it's a very small thing :)

My favorite part of this is your choice of moments in Peter's life to go back to, and how they tied into the present. It broke my heart to see the memory of Remus encouraging Peter in his transformation into a rat, and then to see the way Peter treated Sirius after Lily and James' deaths.

"You betrayed them. It's your fault they're dead." Again, wow. What a line! That, I think is the emotional climax of this story, and it cuts like a knife. Any sympathy I had for Peter just went out the window with that one line. So powerful!

You did a great job with this, Dee! I'm so glad I read it! Thanks so much for requesting :)

--Maggie

Author's Response: Hi Maggie!

Wow-thank you so much! I have to admit this is probably the one-shot I'm most proud of so it's wonderful to know you liked it!

Peter is such a complex character and I've read a few fanfics where I almost feel sorry for him and I hate that, after all he is the reason James and Lily were killed. I wanted to give some substance to what we already knew-that he switched sides to save his own skin-but not in a way that would make readers feel sympathy for him so it's great to know that's how you felt!

The flashbacks are something that definitely need work, I knew I needed them in the story but I've had mixed feedback about them. I think your suggestion makes perfect sense so I'll make sure to remember it when I go back and edit-thank you! I'm thrilled you like the ones I chose though, I wanted to take the small canon details we were given by JKR and expand on them. The Remus one was my favourite.

I absolutely love when people quote my lines back to me in reviews, I'm currently grinning like an idiot haha! I'm glad that it made you lose all sympathy for Peter, he definitely doesn't deserve it!

Thank you so much for this wonderful review Maggie!


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Review #5, by ChaosWednesday A Rodent Revealed

12th August 2013:
hey, it's Whiskey here with your really late review (so sorry!)

Well, I must say I really enjyoed the fact that the story was written in present tense. Just as the jumping from flash-back to present, there is a strong dynamism. The action is gripping and I think you did a good job!

Peter is such a nasty character - and it takes skill to portray him as sympathetic in any way, and you managed! Through his general smallness (on account of being a rat, of course, but also in terms of personality) and also through Ron's desperate attachment to what he believes is an innocent, furry pet, the reader cannot help but feel pity for Peter. I also enjoyed how Peter's thoughts never stray into an existential area but remain, like that of an animal, focused on avoiding only immediate danger. This adds almost an innocence to him, if you could call it that. Or at lease it removes the malice one might expect to find in the thoughts a villain. He doesn't even feel any guilt anymore. Really great characterization!

Another part I enjoyed was the flashbacks somehow merged with snippets of the present and revived the Marauders. Even though they are grown men now, there is a sense that neither had moved on. It's quite tragic and fascinating.

I must compliment you on the way you managed to refrain from having to retell the entire scene and resorted to jsut noting some sounds and some important details. If I may, I'd advise you to do the same for the flashbacks. They are very fact-heavy, although we kind of already know the facts. Having to read through info-dumps while smack in the middle of the crazy ride that is the present is frustrating for the reader and takes away from the poignancy of the actual flashback. It's your story, of course, but cutting down on the factual details and replacing them with emotional ones might add to the story. Sometimes it really helps to hint at things. For example, you could just hint at the fact that Peter was captured and brought to the dark lord instead of explaining how he was followed and that there was a second man etc. I hope you get what I mean :P

Cheers!

Author's Response: Hello! I'm here with your very late response haha!

I'm glad you liked the tense, I did start it in past tense but don't think it worked as well in terms of building the tension. I worried that switching between the two would be conusing so it's good to know you enjoyed it!

Characterisation is something I work really hard on when writing and the thought of writing something about Peter was a little daunting, he is such a complex character and I wanted to do him justice. I didn't want to portray him as a bumbling idiot as I think he would have had to have been quite calculating to trick his friends and keep the fact that he was working for voldemort hidden so I'm really pleased you thought the characterisation was good!

I do understand your point about the flashbacks. I need to go back and edit them and have been given some great advice (including yours) about how to improve them to keep the flow of the story.

Thanks so much for the advice and the wonderful review!


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Review #6, by ginerva_molly_weasley A Rodent Revealed

12th August 2013:
Hey there. Here I am with your requested review.

The beginning is very interesting as it entices into the story. The short snappy sentences draw attention straight away being ominous before foretelling too much. The 'tick tock' was particularly haunting as we know he's on a timer so he has to do something before his time runs out.

Right from the start you make it clear that he feels trapped by these people. He is physically trapped as he knows that he can't get out as people keep pushing him back but then he knows that there is no way out now.

The italics work really well to break it up, showing the flashback without it being too prominant so I really liked that.

His thoughts are really dark here because whilst I can understand it the betrayal is heartbreaking. His selfishness is shown here and he doesn't show any Gryffindor qualities. He should have preferred to die than to betray his friends which is what Sirius would have done but instead he chose to save his own life and condemn three others.

Your description here is fantastic with the escaping of him. You mentioned the cat which again is really good as it is an extra canon detail! You can see him being trapped here, frantically trying to escape as his past catches up with him. He knows that Sirius knows who he is, and he knows that as soon as Moony sees him he will know too. His time is almost up.

The flashback again is fantastic. It shows the thought processes behind making wormtail the secret keeper which is very interesting. The Potters have the seed of doubt put into their mind with Sirius and saying that Voldemort will know straight away it's Sirius and James knows that he doesn't want to put his best friend at any more risk than he's already in.

Its interesting you put in that Moony had become suspicious of Wormtail as obviously Wormtail would have been behaving differently and the fact that he now wanted to be secret keeper would be interesting. Again you mention about his safety. The description you include is brilliant.

Switching back into the 'reality' and in keeping with canon you do really well making sure that you are completely wrapped up in the scene. The tick tock again shows that Wormtail knows his time is drawing near and that he needs to escape now as he could lose his life. He would be prepared to do anything to save his own life which is what you showed excellently in the flashbacks.

The fact he hasn't heard his name for 12 years is sad as that is something he probably would have taken for granted throughout. His clawing to Ron shows his desperation.

I wonder why this is a painful memory for him. It is really interesting that knowing he wasn't that clever. Him turning into an animangus showed his intelligence and made him more of a part of the group.

Snape. Peter puts all of his hope in Snape which is ironic really as he spent most of his time trying to torment him.

Oh dear. The flashback of the altercation with Sirius is sad for everyone. You show Sirius' raw emotion here at losing his best friends. Although Peter has been their friend for years Sirius loses all understanding of this and is blindsided by his grief which I love. What I don't understand though is why Peter still wanted to be associated with innocence, the selfishness is unreal as he now wants to condemn his other friend too.

The tick tocks are again brilliant. Its the impending doom he feels which I love here.

'Long time no see' how brilliant to end this story.

I can't see anything here that I didn't like. It was wonderful!

10/10
GinevraMollypotter

Author's Response: Hello GMP! I'm sorry it's taken me a little while to respond to your review!

I'm really gushing at how lovely this rewview is, I'm SO glad you liked it, this is definitely one of my one-shots that I'm proud of.

Peter post-Hogwarts is very under represented in fanfiction and most of the ones I've read tend to err on the side of being sympathetic to him which is something I really didn't want to do. Yes, he was a coward but he still betrayed his friends which must have taken some malice.

I'm glad you liked the 'tick tock' I wanted to portray a sense of time running out for him but worried that I'd maybe over used it a little so it's great to know you thought it worked well.

I read this part of Prisoner of Azkaban countless times whilst writing it so that it was as close to cannon as possible, I'm glad you picked up on the little details I included like Crookshanks and Snape.

I've had such mixed feedback on the flashbacks, it's lovely to know that you liked them so much! The one with Sirius toward the end was one I wrote and re-wrote. As for Peter's wanting to be innocent, I think he would want Sirius to get the blame so that he would never be exposed as the liar and double-crosser he really was. I think ultimately he was a very selfish person, his own safety was always more important than anything or anyone else.

Thank you so so much for this really wonderful review, I'm so pleased you liked it!


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Review #7, by Mnemosyne_Morrigan A Rodent Revealed

10th August 2013:
Hello :) I'm fulfilling your request for a review.


When you posted your request, you've mentioned most of your stories are lighthearted. This one isn't, but your prefered style peeked a little through the lines ;) Nothing blatant, just subtle little moments, which really made me smile. E.g:
"Panic and adrenaline are coursing through me; ideas are not"
It's not a comedy, we both know it, but this sentence had this funny accent. Ideas are not. However, except those tiny moments, your style kept the darker atmosphere with the thrill building up.

Tick tock. Great use of that term and what's even better - you didn't overuse it.

Peter is probably one of the most hated characters. Not many even bother to understand his actions and his betrayal. I'm one of those people. So I was a little suspicious - will you try to explain his actions, to paint a different side of him, to sympathize with him? But I was glad you didn't force that kind of accounting. Yes, there was an obvious case of fear in those memories, trying to safe his own life isue, but you didn't push it. Thank you for that.

For your first time first person story you did really good. Peter's thoughts are scattered, but not chaotic. It feels natural. Feverish actions, panic and suddenly more fluent, static flashbacks. For me they didn't slow the pace of the story. As life flashes before your eyes when you're in great fear, memories aren't rapid, they tend to stay in a slow-motion. I like that kind of tempo, it provides some kind of balance.

I think you can be really pleased with your work :)

- Mnemosyne

Author's Response: Hello Mnemosyne, thank you so much for responding to my request and I'm sorry it's taken a little while to respond.

I'm definitely more comfortable with the lighthearted style of writing, I guess I couldn't help myself with this one!

I did worry that I had overused the 'tick tock' a little so it's great to know you didn't think I did :)

Peter is such a complex character, I think he is written about a great deal in fanfiction but only his school days, I think he's under explored after that. The few bits I have read tend to err on the sympathetic side and I'm like you, I can't feel sympathy for him because he doesn't deserve it. I wanted to portray him as one who was cowardly but knew exactly what he was doing.

I'm really glad you liked this overall, thank you so much for the wonderful review


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Review #8, by Lady of Tears A Rodent Revealed

10th August 2013:
I'm here with your review!

For your first first person story (that sounded funny, haha) I thought you did really well. We got a view of everything Peter was seeing and remembering. What I think could have improved it was a little more randomness. I know that sounds kind of weird, but I find that those thoughts, those sporadic memories and chains of thought, are more natural than something that is more polished. But I thought you were really on track here!

As for your tone, I thought you did just fine. Especially in your flashbacks, and your theme of the ticking clock. It definitely built anticipation. What I think could have made it grittier would be some "mental unstableness" or shiftiness from Peter. I'm not sure how you'd write it, but as I was reading I kept thinking of how being a rat for 13 years would effect someone mentally.

Overall, I thought this was really, really good and something new. I've never seen a story from this perspective and point of time before. I'm glad you requested!

-Lady of Tears

Author's Response: Hello! I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to reply, thank you so much for responding to my request.

I completely agree about Peter's thoughts being more scattered, he would definitely be a little more incoherent after all those years as a rat so thank you for the advice. The story definitely needs some editing so I'll take that on board when editing :)

I'm really glad you liked it overall, it's definitely one of the one-shots I'm proud of. Thank you so much for the helpful review and the kind words and I'm sorry again for the late response!


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Review #9, by redraven A Rodent Revealed

8th August 2013:
Hey there HeyMrsPotter,

First off, let me just say that you did a killer job committing to the present tense! Gotta hand it to you, that's not easy (at least for me, anyways). Your representation of Pettigrew was actually pretty captivating. While he's certainly not one of my favorite characters, I really did enjoy being inside his head and experiencing that moment through his eyes. You start the story with a great, galloping pace. The energy is high and I was completely invested from the get-go.

There was only one tense issue I noticed, which was in one Pettigrew's memories ("Now he had me pinned against a wall" -- which should be in past tense: just change "now" to "then"). Other than that, the only area I see for improvement, should you consider revision, is the length of Pettigrew's flashbacks. As they continued to pop up they began to slow the pace of the story considerably. I think that they would be more effective if they were more concise as well as more frequently interspersed, rather than in large chunks.

Your writing is very clear and illustrative, and your careful use of language enables this story to flow beautifully. It was such a pleasure to read! I hope you find this review helpful, and I will definitely be reading more of your work. Thank you!

Yours truly,
redraven

Author's Response: Hello! I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to reply to your review, better late than never eh?

I'm really glad you enjoyed Peter's perspective, he isn't one of my favourite characters either but he is a very complex ones and there isn't a great deal of fanfiction written about him after he switched sides.

Present tense isn't one I'm comfortable with at all so I'm really glad you thought I managed it well, I probably didn't do myself any favours switching between past and present either! Thanks for pointing out the error too, I'll fix it :)

I've had mixed feedback about the flashbacks but they definitely need some fine tuning, I'll take your advice on board when I edit :)

Thank you so much for the lovely review and sorry again for taking forever to reply!



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Review #10, by nott theodore A Rodent Revealed

6th August 2013:
Hi Dee!

Well, you already know how much I love minor characters and I was meaning to read this one even before you offered a swap. Peter hardly appears in fanfiction, even in Marauders era stories, so I was really excited to see that you'd written a story from his perspective!

If you hadn't said that this was your first attempt at writing in present tense, I'd never have known! You managed to keep the tense consistent throughout the narrative, despite the fact that the flashbacks were in past tense, and that's not at all an easy thing to do.

The tone of this piece was just right. I felt like your portrayal and characterisation of Peter Pettigrew was very believable and authentic. It wasn't too sympathetic but at the same time Peter wasn't the one-dimensional traitor that I often see in stories. I felt like his decisions were well explained and the flashbacks helped me to understand his motives behind the betrayal. His self-serving nature came across really well.

Like I said, the flashbacks definitely enhanced this story. I really enjoyed the contrast that they provided between the young, rather confident Peter and the Peter that we see now, who has been living as a rat for years and is terrified of facing up to what he's done. I could really imagine him subtly twisting his friends' thoughts so that they came in line with what he wanted, and I feel almost like I should be giving him more credit for his intelligence in doing that!

The POV of Peter as a rat worked really well. I liked the fact that you remembered to focus on little details, and then also centred that part of the narrative more on physical things; the mentions of things that he could see and touch and hear captured the animalistic nature of Peter in his Animagus form brilliantly.

The only CC I have for you is that there are a few little typos in this (fidelus charm should be Fidelius Charm, for instance) and some missing commas in some places, but that's nothing that a quick read through won't fix.

I really enjoyed reading this! I thought you managed to flesh Peter's character out really well and the writing was very enjoyable. Thank you for the swap!

Sian :)

Author's Response: Hi Sian!

Present tense is something I've always avoided, I'm much more comfortable in past tense but this just wouldn't have worked that way. It did take a lot of careful writing and I kept switching to past and had to keep going back and fix it but I'm glad I managed to submit without any tense errors left in :)

I think Peter in fanfiction is extremely one-dimensional. He's always portrayed as this bumbling idiot but personally I think it would take a very calculating person to play a huge part in the murder of his friends and that's what I wanted to convey in this so I'm glad you agree.

The flashbacks were something I was reluctant to put in as I worried they would disrupt the flow so I'm so glad you liked them. I think I needed to have them in to explain the story behind Peter's betrayal which I imagine he would have been thinking a lot about during this scene in PoA.

I worried so much about the tense in this that I wasn't as scrutinous with my editing as I usually am so thanks for pointing the errors out, I'll be sure to fix them!

Thanks so much for the lovely review and the swap :D


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Review #11, by AlexFan A Rodent Revealed

6th August 2013:
Things like this aren't usually my cup of tea and I was afraid that this would be full of angst but I was very happy to see that wasn't the case.

I actually really enjoyed this, the topic of why Peter switched sides is not something that is often explored so it was refreshing to read about this. I also enjoyed the flashbacks, the cannon things that J. K. Rowling mentioned in the books and that you went into more detail with.

For a first attempt at writing in first person point of view you did remarkable well. It's very difficult to keep yourself from reverting to past tense and slipping up but that wasn't a problem for you. The verb tense was consistent.

There were no grammatical errors that I could spot besides Fidelius Charm. You misspelled Fidelius and forgot to capitlise the beginning of Fidelius and Charm. It's a minor thing and it doesn't disrupt the flow of the chapter.

The flow was great, flashbacks can often make a story choppy and disrupt the flow but you pulled them off really well. I didn't find myself stopping to read at all.

The description was fantastic and the pace wasn't too fast either, all in all, I think you did an awesome job on this and I really enjoyed reading it!

Author's Response: Hey AlexFan!

I'm really glad you wound up enjoying this! Angst stories aren't my usual style, generally I like fluffy stories but every now and again an angst plot bunny strikes and I just have to write it!

I read the scene of PoA countless times whilst writing this so that I could keep it as close to canon as possible so it's nice to know you enjoyed them :)

I admit I slipped up a LOT in terms of tense when writing this and kep switching to past tense but thankfully realised my mistakes and was able to fix them, it seems at the detriment of my spelling though, I'll be sure to fix that spelling mistake, thanks for pointing it out :)

I agree completely about the flashbacks and I did have my doubts about putting them in but I felt as though they were needed and it's a relief to know they didn't interrupt the flow.

Thanks so much for this wonderful review :D


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Review #12, by MC_HK A Rodent Revealed

6th August 2013:
Hi :)

So, addressing your first concern. Tone. I think this tone fits the story perfectly. The pacing gives the reader a sense of panic, and the flashbacks are lovely to read as well and don't hinder the flow at all. Your description and inner monologue are phenomenal, as I felt immersed in the scene. I don't think I've ever read any stories in the present tense before, but I quite like it! You never break tense once (something I'm so guilty for) so I applaud you! I quite enjoyed this :)

If I had any CC at all, some punctuation could be tweaked around a little, or some shorter sentences could be merged with their previous counterpart. Other than that, this was so lovely to read, and I look forward to hearing from you in the future! MC_HK

Author's Response: Hi MC_HK! First off, thanks so much for the review!

I'm really glad you liked the tone and the pacing, I wanted them both to reflect the urgency in Peter's thoughts and his need to escape so I'm glad you picked up on that! This was the first I'd written in first tense and I had to keep going back because I kept accidently switching back to past!

I'll definitely take on board your comments about sentence structure when I go back and tweak this. Thanks so much!


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Review #13, by rozen_maiden A Rodent Revealed

29th July 2013:
Hey HeyMrsPotter (by the way, I love your penname!), it's Mahalia here with you RR :)
Firstly, let me just say that this is an awesome idea for a story, and one I haven't seen on this site in all my time here. There was a lot try and keep in canon with this, and I have to say you did it perfectly. Your POV concerning Peter was realistic, and I found myself actually feeling for the man. You didn't turn him into merely 'that man that betrayed James and Lily', and I appluad you for that. It is too often we see a weak and pathetic Peter, so this was a real nice story to read.
You asked me to comment on your plotflow and tense and grammar, but really, they were all perfect. I didn't have trouble reading one section - the part where you described Sirius' capture by the Auror's was chilling and so well done.
I really don't think I could praise you more on this story, but really, this was excellent! Thanks for requesting the review :)
-Mahalia

Author's Response: Hi Mahalia!
Thanks :D My penname came from a song by counting crows, one of my favourites :)

I'm so glad you thought this kept with canon. I read the two chapters of PoA countless times while writing it so that it fit well so I'm pleased you thought it did.

I find in FF that I've read that Peter is displayed as this one dimensional character who is just a bit of a bumbling idiot but actually it would have taken more than an idiot to lead a double life and betray his best friends and that's what I wanted to get across so it's lovely to know you didn't think he was weak and pathetic.

Thank you so much for all of the lovely comments, I'm really glad I requested a review from you :D


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Review #14, by marauderfan A Rodent Revealed

27th July 2013:
Hello Dee :) Here with your requested review!!

Oh this was really good! It's especially interesting to me as I recently wrote a one-shot about Wormtail myself, so it's neat to see the way other people write him.

If this is really your first attempt at first person narration and present tense, congratulations!! I wouldn't have been able to tell if you hadn't said so; you seemed very comfortable with the POV and tense. Also, props for the choice of character for your first try at first person POV. He's a tricky one to write convincingly, but you have. You effectively captured his selfish need to survive above all else.

The way you've structured the story is really effective too. The tick tock between the present and flashbacks, it really adds to the sensation of his life flashing before his eyes, as he believes he's about to die when he's exposed as Peter. And I really liked the present-tense bits a lot, since they're from Scabbers' point of view, and how he's focused on the tiny things like the hole in Ron's pocket, or Ron's hands acting as a prison for him.

There were a few moments when the tense got a bit mixed up, like here: This is it. Held up in front of two Marauders I know my time for hiding was over.
That should probably read "my time for hiding is over."

also, when the Death Eater finds him in the first flashback, I'd transformed back to my human form at what I thought was a safe distance but the man hasn't been travelling alone.
it should probably say "the man hadn't been travelling alone."

But those are really minor issues. On the whole this was really well done, and once again congratulations on successfully writing 1st person/present tense! Great job :)

Author's Response: Hey Kristin!

Thanks so much for reading and reviewing :) I'll have to check out your story too, wormtail is a fascinating character. He definitely is a tricky one to write so I'm glad you thought I did it right, characterisation is so important to me.

I worried that the switching between the tenses and the flashbacks would be confusing so its a relief knowing that you liked it!

Thanks for pointing out the errors, I've fixed them now :) And thank you so much for the lovely review!


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Review #15, by LittleLionGirl A Rodent Revealed

25th July 2013:
Hello HMP! I do not buy that this is your that this is your first time with this tense and POV; it's too flawless. I am not one to read much Peter Pettigrew but your story sucked me in and kept me fully interested. The characterizing of everyone was spot on and the tone of worry was perfect for this story. I also enjoyed how the large time differences were separated with the Tick Tock. Hope this is the love you thought it needed: because it does deserve it!
XOXOXOX,
LLG

Author's Response: This is like, the nicest review anyone has ever left me! Excuse me in advance for what will most likely be an incoherent response!

This really was my first attempt ;) generally I find that writing first person takes a lot more work on getting the character right and I always worry that I get it wrong so I've avoided first person until now. I'm so relieved you think I got it right! As for the tense, I find past tense so much easier to write, it took a few attempts to do this as I kept switching!

This is way better than the love I expected, I'm so glad you liked it and thank you millions for this wonderful review! Xxx


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Review #16, by navyfail A Rodent Revealed

24th July 2013:
Hi! This is my first time reading a fanfiction from Wormtail's point of view. I have to say I quite like it. I love how you incorporated actual lines from Prisoner of Azkaban. And those flashbacks helped a lot. You made his character sound better than most people think he is, which I like.

My favorite moments were that animagus part with Remus. He thought he couldn't do it but he finally ended up accomplishing his goal with a little encouragement. That last part was also great. That tick-tock thing you have going added suspense. That last line keeps you wondering exactly how did Peter feel afterward when he talked to his old friends.

Lovely one-shot.
~Sama

Author's Response: Hi Sama!

Thanks so much for this lovely review! I'm glad you liked the story :)
I've never written a marauders story before never mind one from first person POV so I'm really pleased you liked the characterisations.

Thanks again!


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