12 Reviews Found

Review #1, by FredWeasleyIsMyKing The Partner

16th March 2014:
Hi again!

Ooh there was some twists and turns through this chapter!

So James thought process was great to try and work who would have sent the malaclaws, it would have been nice to know why he was so adamant it was Albus though... do the two of them not get on? Rose then seemed very helpful until James suspected Albus and was angry at him. Her rushing off was definitely odd.

When Albus and the team then got attacked by malaclaws I can't help but wonder if Rose is behind it? I have no idea why but it feels like it's Rose or someone we don't know about yet! Either way, I want to find out!

An interesting chapter again! It's left me with a lot of questions and wanting to know more! It's a shame that this is the last one posted... I would have carried on reading!

Gryffindor vs Slytherin Review 18 of 20

Author's Response: No, in this tale Al and James do not mesh well. Rose is an odd one isn't she ;)
I will eventually get to writing this chapter out! I have it all in my head, but the writing is gibberish. I am glad the chapter left you interested and not ready to throw your computer.

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Review #2, by FredWeasleyIsMyKing The Malaclaw

16th March 2014:
Hi there!

So this was a really interesting chapter. I like next gen and you made good use of James here. It was also fun to see Fred involved as well as this Harry Wood... I'm going to guess he's Oliver Wood's son?

Your use of the malaclaw was brilliant... I'd not read up on that particular beast but I loved how you included it... so who is trying to sabbatage the Gryffindors? I only hope Fred really didn't get bit!

My one bit of advice would be to try and extend this with a tad more description... the dialogue was good but you could have given us more details... like the relief about not getting bit and maybe theories of who did this?

That being said, I really enjoyed this first chapter and I look forward to the second!

Lauren :)
Gryffindor vs Slytherin Review 17 of 20

Author's Response: Hello FWISK, I am so sorry I am so very late on responding! Yes, Harry Wood is Oliver's child. I am glad you liked the malaclaw! The idea with it just sort of bit me ;) I am told to add more- but it would ruin the element of surprise and confusion! And the theories were saved for another chapter ;)

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Review #3, by TheGirlOnFire The Partner

16th March 2014:
Hi! It's me again. This is for the blackout bingo 14/20 ;)

I liked the progression in this chapter. James trying to figure out who did it and then being returned back to square one. So it wasn't the Slytherins. Hmm. My new theory is that it was the Hufflepuff, maybe they misjudged her? I have a bit of CC. You are probably writing shory chapters on purpose, for the first chapter this is fine. But I think that there needs to be more detail in the next chapters, maybe an insight onto James mind and how it works to process suspects. There is so much room for character development, and I don't think you're filling it. I hope that in later chapters you do write more detail; as detail can take a story a long way. This was still good though. Keep going. :)


Author's Response: We'll have to see who it is (when I get around to writing another chapter...) I understand your CC but I think for a story it is important to be careful about every little detail you add in. If I added the wrong thing in, one character could become suspect more than the rest, and if it is the person who "did do it", well, it wouldn't be a very good mystery now would it? I'll eventually write more and fill in every single gap I can... James'll probably go on an accusing rampage... Thanks again TheGirlOnFire

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Review #4, by TheGirlOnFire The Malaclaw

16th March 2014:
Hi! This is for te blackout bingo. 13/20 ;)

This was great and this was so funny, Fred being attracted by the Malacaw. I laughed so much. "The lobster tried to eat my face." I found this so funny. What would seeing this be like. James 'manly yell' that's so typical boy. They scream like a girl the call it a manly yell. Who sabotaged them? Was it the slytherin quidditch team, or was it an external party. This was great. Well done, it may have been really shirt but it was still very good. There was so much revealed in so little words. There was a lot of mystery to. I think you have dine well with tis first chapter and I can't wait to read the rest. I hope it's as funny as this one. Good job, keep up the good work.


Author's Response: Hello TGOF :)
I am glad you enjoyed this chapter. The question "Who done it?" really was the mystery here. I tried to make it as funny as possible because the mystery wasn't overly serious. I really wanted to keep these chapters shorter to open them up to everyone who has like an hour of time (rather than three days to catch up). I know I don't always have that kind of time and I want something more filling than a one-shot but something I can make time for to read. So I decided to start writing one!
thanks again dear!

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Review #5, by ShadowRose The Partner

7th March 2014:
Hello, I'm back again for the Blackout Battle!

I really like how you've portrayed James at the start of this chapter - you can tell that he's clearly thrown off by the whole Malaclaw thing, but he's trying to control himself and think of things logically and efficiently. It's a bit different from how James is usually portrayed, but I like him this way. He's a very real character, and he's a bit more serious than he usually is. I like that he's got logic to back up his suspicions - it's a shame that they have enough of a rivalry that he'd suspect his own brother, but on opposite Quidditch teams it definitely seems believable.

Wow, that was definitely a twist at the end! The Slytherin team actually got bitten - there goes the match for their team, if it even gets to continue. I wasn't expecting for it to end that way - now we know it's likely not a Gryffindor OR a Slytherin, that's unexpected! I'm actually really intrigued to see what's behind this whole sabotage plot - and more specifically, their motive. Why would they want both Gryffindor AND Slytherin to play horribly? Hmm, questions, questions. ;)

Anyways, I've really enjoyed reading this story for Blackout Bingo, and I'm actually really excited for the story to continue - I can't wait to see who's behind all of this!

-ShadowRose (Taylor)

Author's Response: Hello again Taylor!

I am glad my characterization of James seems to make everyone happy- James is always either a goofball or a jerk and I couldn't write that, it would have made for an awful story. I figured if I hinted at the variably people would start to point fingers everywhere and be wrong :) Once you see who done it you'll probably go "Ooh!" I'll get to writing the ending soon! I just have to make sure it is perfect... Thanks for reading and reviewing :)

X's and O's,

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Review #6, by nott theodore The Partner

6th March 2014:
Hi again!

Ooh, that was definitely a twist in the story that I wasn't expecting! I liked the way that James was jumpy at the start, because I'd imagine that finding a Malaclaw in your bathroom and knowing that someone is trying to sabotage your day would make you quite paranoid! The suspects were interesting, he was going through the list in a way that I would as well. I was quite sad to find out that Albus was on the list, because I didn't want the sibling rivalry to be that intense between them, even if they are in different houses! He did seem like the best suspect that they had though, and once even Rose agreed I could see that it was more likely.

I definitely didn't expect the second part of this chapter! After the first part I was suspecting Albus as much as James, I think, and so I was pretty relieved when the Gryffindor team were doing well and had managed to avoid sabotage before the game (not that I'm biased at all :P). And then it turns out the Slytherin team have been attacked by a group of Malaclaws! That is definitely an unexpected twist to the story, so I'm intrigued about what will happen next and whether the motives for trying to sabotage the Quidditch teams is really about Quidditch or if it's all about something different to that! And I wonder if the Slytherin team will be able to play, since they've all been attacked and won't be able to win!

I'm really intrigued by this mystery and the way that you're writing it - I hope you update this story soon, because I want to find out what's going to happen and who's behind the attacks!

Sian :)

Blackout Bingo 8/15

Author's Response: Hello again Sain! I knew if I made James seem perfectly content after the bathroom incident people would be like "What??" And I knew he had to be interested- or the mystery would just stop. I knew as a mystery it needed some unexpected twist so I am really pleased that you liked it! I have had plans to update it- but the pressure is on to not make the ending totally suck (because usually three of any writing segments leads to the third being bad!) Thanks again :)

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Review #7, by nott theodore The Malaclaw

6th March 2014:
Hi there! I'm here reviewing Slytherin stories for the Blackout Bingo, and I realised that I don't think I've read any of your stories before!

I really enjoyed this! It was such a great first chapter to a story, and I loved the way that you set up a next generation story without making it all about romance from the beginning! I know this was written for the Mystery Challenge (congratulations for getting second place, by the way!) and I was excited to read a next generation mystery.

Haha, Fred made me laugh so much here! I liked the way that he was letting down the Weasley family and letting out all these girly screams over the strange animal that he doesn't know about, and James is so calm and collected. Must be because he's a Potter, not a Weasley! The conversation between them made me laugh and it was nice to see a mystery that was a little more light-hearted than most tend to be!

Oh, a Malaclaw? I've never heard of those before but I'm not sure if it's something you've made up or something from canon; either way, I like the fact you chose to use an animal that isn't an obvious threat or well known. I'm very intrigued about who put it in the bathroom and how they managed to get it in there, as well as getting hold of it! Sabotage? Ooh, I think this could get really interesting! I'm reading on to find out more...

Sian :)

Blackout Bingo 7/15

Author's Response: Hi Sain! It's alright- most of my stories are rubbish (you just pick the better ones to read ;) . I realized there really aren't a lot of next gen mysteries out there, and I am glad someone was excited! Ron always liked to over react about cute little spiders so why not a lobster like creature? (Which is cannon though they only briefly mentioned them once). This was pure sabotage! However I made sure I allowed this James to see everything in perspective so there was no angered slooths running around- because they are the most ineffective kind. Thanks Sain for reviewing!


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Review #8, by ShadowRose The Malaclaw

2nd March 2014:
Hello! I'm here for the Gryffindor/Slytherin Blackout Battle!

Okay, so this is definitely an interesting start to the story! I like that you jumped straight into the action, with Fred screaming like a little girl - I did find that pretty funny, by the way.

It's a really short chapter, but I already like James - he definitely seems like the type to get things done. Let's just hope he finds out who planted the Malaclaw! Speaking of which, I like that idea, that someone would try to plant a bad luck creature in the Gryffindor bathroom in order to sabotage the match.

Great story so far, and I cant wait to see where it goes from here!

-ShadowRose (Taylor)

Author's Response: I am glad you liked the chapter. I figured screaming would be the only thing to wake everyone up considering the bathroom was trashed by Fred and no one heard THAT. I made James the opposite of how I normally see him so I am glad you liked him! I was quite nervous about him actually. Thanks again Taylor!

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Review #9, by anythingcouldhappen The Malaclaw

1st March 2014:
Hi! I'm reviewing this for Blackout Bingo :)

I liked that you jumped right into the action. It immediately made me interested and wondering what was going on with the malaclaw! I'm glad James caught it before it could bite anyone!

I do think however you add a bit more detail to the chapter. You focus on the action, which is good, but it wold be nice to learn a bit more about the surroundings and stuff. What's the dorm room like? Messy? Is it a sunny day? Who is the team playing in the match? (If you described any of this and I just missed it, feel free to throw a piano at me)

Overall, nice job of setting up a fun little mystery! Hope this helped!


Author's Response: Hello anythingcouldhappen!

I am glad you liked the start up of my mystery. I wrote it a couple of times and figured that was the way that I liked best. I love detail since it is something people never get enough of, but in the first chapter I oddly made sure it took a back seat. The next chapter focuses on the details that are really important just like this one- only you might just see them as behaviors or something odd to mention. I will not throw pianos at you though because first off I'd have to lift it- and then the energy to throw it... I mean the stuff you wonder does get mentioned but I make sure it hides in the nooks and crannies of the story rather than bland sentences stating what everything looks like before the action and mystery. Thanks again!

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Review #10, by LilyLou The Malaclaw

12th September 2013:
You have come leaps an bounds since I've last checked in! This is definitely an interesting idea. It'll clearly be a short story, as it's labeled. Just a few grammatical problems here and there. And because you named Harry Wood Harry, I kept thinking it was Harry Potter!

But this is a very good story so far. Keep it up!!


Author's Response: Thanks! I was given the malanclaw part for the challenge and then James just clicked into my head. I have always named Oliver's child Harry, after one of the greatest seekers and saviors in a century. ;) I guess it would have helped with me calling him Wood more- ah well. Yes the story will be very short. I have one chapter left to go but I do not have the drive to finish writing it. Thanks again LilyLou!

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Review #11, by MargaretLane The Partner

3rd August 2013:
*cracks up at the use of the name Margaret Thatcher* You've misspelled Margaret though. *thinks she should be the baddie, just because*

And after that, you've a guy called Clark Thomas. I'm guessing that's just coincidence and you aren't actually referencing the 1916 martyr, Thomas Clarke.

You have Rose saying "let me here your logic" when it should be "let me HEAR".

Wow, the end of this chapter came as a bit of a surprise. It's got to be a Hufflepuff or a Ravenclaw really, so. Somebody who'd want both Slytherin and Gryffindor out of the running.

Author's Response: Yeah I spelt it one way and my computer "corrected" it.
No. Tomas was just a coincidence...
I will fix the hear :/ I thought I looked over it... Guess I missed a spot :(

And all I can say is it may or may not be a Hogwarts student ;)


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Review #12, by MargaretLane The Malaclaw

24th July 2013:
The comment "the wimpy little Weasley" made me laugh.

Hmm, James is going to find out. I'm intrigued as to who it could be. We haven't really met any suspects yet, unless one of the Gryffindors is sabotaging themselves, which seems unlikely.

I like the way you've characterised James here. He seems more serious and efficient than I've seen him in a lot of stories. I can easily believe he WILL find out.

Author's Response: The real mystery is... Will he??? As for suspects I am keeping them rather broad so the reader can guess as well. I like the fact that James is actually capable of something other then being an idiot or trickster like he usually is. The real question is: will he be to late *cue suggestive music*

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