Reading Reviews for An Illusion of Sanity
  
14 Reviews Found

Review #1, by jilly_ The Detrimental Effects of Gravity

8th December 2013:
I can't believe there have been no reviews for this chapter yet, this story is coming along so well! Although, near the end you wrote 'here' instead of 'hear', but I still really enjoyed it! I can't wait for the next one (:

Author's Response: Ahh thank you so much! My review box has been a bit lonely lately, so you just made my night! Thank you! I'm glad you liked it! I will definitely go back and fix the error! Thank you for pointing it out! With the holidays coming up, I'm hoping to have the next one up soon! Thank you for such a lovely review! Happy Holidays!

xx Rachel


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Review #2, by navyfail The One Where Jelly is Jam

22nd September 2013:
Hey Rachel! I saw that the second chapter is up so I thought I would have a look. :)

First off, Freddy is adorable. I mean he is manly and all but to me he is very sweet. He has a very outgoing and mischievous personality. Also I like that you added in some information about her past and how she ended up here. I am in the same boat with her when it comes to British foods and words. I actually never noticed the jam and jelly thing before. P

One thing I noticed: "His finger lightly tickled the pair on the portrait." I think 'pair' was supposed to be 'pear.'

Also this line, "A series of unfortunate events," reminds me of this book series I read as a kid, haha.

Overall, nice chapter. Though I do wish to see more of James.

~Sama

Author's Response: Hello there!!

Thank you so much for reading the second chapter! Yay! I'm glad you like Freddy. He's my absolute favorite to write! I wish I knew a Freddy in my life. I'm going to sprinkle in her past throughout the chapters, so this is only the beginning of all the information(: Ahh thank you! I will fix that pronto! You're right, it is a book series! I hadn't noticed when I first wrote the chapter. I'll go back and credit it! There's plenty of James to come, don't you worry!

Thank you for the lovely review!
xx


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Review #3, by MC_HK The One Where Jelly is Jam

18th August 2013:
Hello!

The beginning to the story is good, and I like where you are taking this. It's funny to see an American at Hogwarts and being confused by the slang. You gave your characters good personality, and they are fun to read.

I would say that it would flow very nicely if the minor spelling and grammar mistakes could be addressed. There is an instance where you use "adobe" instead of "abode", and you have "out" instead of "our". I am quite confused with the whole Fred and Perri situation in the kitchens, though. I understand it was supposed to be kind of playful, but I didn't really understand what was going on. And for me, the relationship between him and Perri seemed very rushed, like they got too comfortable too quickly. That's just my opinion, though.

Overall, you've got a good start here. Interested in reading more, MC_HK

Author's Response: Thank you very much! I'll be sure to take care of the spelling and grammar issues! Ah! I don't want anyone to be confused by that part...I'll fix it! This has been extremely helpful! Thank you very much! xx

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Review #4, by Richard Ficklemore The One Where Jelly is Jam

15th August 2013:
Absolutely incredible. Please continue it! The characters are so lovable and have well-established personalities, i'd be a shame to not continue it!

Author's Response: Thank you, thank you! I will definitely continue writing the story! I'm really glad you like the characters! I adore them(: Many thanks for the lovely review! xx

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Review #5, by Just a Puppy Sized Elephant The Revival of Chivalry

15th August 2013:
Amazingly well developed Characters for a short story. Please finish it! Or continue it! Or make it into a Hollywood blockbuster! Something!

Author's Response: Awe you're making me blush! Thank you so much! I'm so glad you like the characters! I adore writing them. Thank you for the lovely review! xx

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Review #6, by CambAngst The Revival of Chivalry

13th August 2013:
Hi, there. Tagging you from the Review the Person Above You thread in the common room.

I thought this was a really engaging start to your story. You picked an interesting slate of characters to run with and mixed canon and original characters evenly. Your writing was descriptive and engaging and it was easy to visualize the scenes and events you created.

Probably my favorite thing about the way you wrote this chapter was how you made the delivery of information feel very organic. A lot of authors will sort of bludgeon the reader over the head with back story in the first chapter. They'll back up the proverbial truck and unload a mountain of details about the characters -- names, years, houses, appearances, quirky personality traits, etc. Instead of doing that, you worked in some relevant information in a very natural-sounding way. And you left some things unsaid, which isn't a bad thing at all. I feel like I know just enough about your characters to want to know more, and that's what a good first chapter does.

I'm intrigued to know what an American girl is doing at Hogwarts, or why she's going to be spending the next two years living with the Potters. I'm also a bit curious why she seems to be meeting Ginny and Harry for the first time on Platform 9 3/4. The first section of the chapter -- whether it was a flashback or a memory -- really grabbed my attention. I get the feeling that poor Perri has survived something very traumatic, something that still haunts her at certain times. Again, you did a great job of giving me just enough information to make me want to know more. You're pacing things really, really well so far.

Suggestions? One thing I think you should keep an eye on is mixing up your word choice. This sentence jumped out at me: Blood was rushing to my brain in waves, not helping the dizziness that seemed to be invading my brain like an army of small men. When you repeat something like "my brain" twice in the same sentence, it can sound a bit sing-songy. There were a few other places I remember seeing something like this. It isn't a huge deal, but your writing is so lovely otherwise that it stuck out.

Lastly, a few typos:

"And she wonders why I don't like to be seen with her in public," James muttered just loud enough for me to hear as we stumbled passed Roxy, or so he thought. - stumbled past

"You poor baby." Finn frowned and attempted to poke Roxy in the eye with his finger, but his attempt was sabotaged Roxy's re-acquired magazine. - was sabotaged by

Roxy squealed. "I'm so glad we get to keep her!" Her trunk in one hand and my hand in the other she dragged me passed as glowering James. - dragged me past

Like I said before, great start! You write really well and I think you've put together a compelling premise here. Keep up the good work!

Author's Response: Oh my! Thank you so much for the wonderful review! I'm really glad you liked it so far! I tried not to give away too many details in the first chapter. I feel as though part of the fun of reading is trying to figure out background stories and the plot before you are given all the information. If I was to give all the details in the first chapter the story wouldn't be as interesting!

An American at Hogwarts is definitely strange and sometimes considered a cliche, but Perri has a definite reason for being there. Throughout the story you're going to find out why she's staying with the Potter's for 2 years!

Ah yes, I do have a nasty habit of doing that sometimes. Thank you for pointing that out. I'll have to go and fix the double words. Meep, I try to stay away from it, but sometimes it happens without me realizing! I can never pick up typos by myself because I always read it the way it should be, so thank you! I'll go fix those mistakes ASAP.

Thank you so much for the wonderfully helpful review, and for taking the time to read my first chapter! xx


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Review #7, by lost and broken The Revival of Chivalry

7th August 2013:
Absolutely loved the little intro part. Very well written. The rest of the chapter was also very good. You got me interested in reading more : )

Author's Response: Thank you so much, lovely! Yay! I'm so glad you enjoyed it! Thank you for the wonderful review! xx

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Review #8, by miluv The One Where Jelly is Jam

6th August 2013:
Is this a Preddy fic? Ooh I'm so excited!

Author's Response: Heh. I love Freddy with all my heart! xx

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Review #9, by Jchrissy The Revival of Chivalry

1st August 2013:
Hi there, and congratulations on your first chapter!!! I realized a few paragraphs in that it was super familiar, then remembered coming across it in the queue!

Anyway, I love the intensity you start off with. It's obvious Perri suffered some serious trauma, and the end of that section had me believing it was possibly a werewolf attack? Regardless, you definitely gave the reader something to sink their teeth into!

I liked Perri's nervousness at the beginning, and the way she seemed to blend comfortable in the group. Your grammar is great and I didn't notice any typos, which made the entire read really smooth!

You're going to face a bit of people commenting on a few cliches, but I don't think there is anything wrong with cliches if they're well done. Just make sure you flesh out a probable reason for Perri to be there and keep her from falling into Mary Sue land, and I think you'll have an awesome story on your hands!

You got the funny/teasing banter I always imagine of next gen down perfectly, and that balanced out the serious side of the beginning really well. It was fun getting to see the whole group through the eyes of someone who'd just stepped into their world.

I think you have a really lovely start so far, m'dear! Good luck, and thank you for the awesome swap!

Jami

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm really excited to be starting a story! I'm trying to stay away from cliches/making cliches too cliche! Perri definitely has a reason for being there! That's coming in the near future! Thank you! I'm glad you think they're funny! I always adore reading stories that have banter, so I wanted to try to add a little of my own!

Thank you for the absolutely lovely review! xx


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Review #10, by day_dreamer13 The Revival of Chivalry

31st July 2013:
I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT

Author's Response: THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! xx

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Review #11, by marauderfan The Revival of Chivalry

28th July 2013:
Hello! :) Here for our review swap!

This looks like a good start to your story! Your characters are a lot of fun so far and they seem realistic. You did a good job capturing Perri's star-struck nervousness when she met Harry. And I like how well she fits in with James, Roxy, and Finn despite that she's the "new girl" and everyone else has known each other for years. I was kind of wondering why she's there, though - what made her switch schools? I assume it has something to do with why she can see the thestrals, but that's just my guess ;) I'd love to find out more about Perri's back story in future chapters.

If you don't mind a bit of CC, I think the first part is a little confusing. I get that it's a flashback to some experience of torture, but the way it's juxtaposed there right before Perri talks about her lungs being compressed as she shows up on the platform, makes it seem like a really long, painful experience of Apparating onto Platform 9 and 3/4! Which I am sure is not what you intended ;) It's certainly a gripping start, but if you want to separate that flashback from the discomfort of apparating onto the platform I think it'd be easier to understand what's happening.

Altogether this looks like a great start, well done!

Author's Response: Hi there! Thank you so much for the review! You've been so, so helpful! I'm working on the history behind her move to Hogwarts, but I think I'll add more so that nobody become too confused! Ah, okay! I'll work on making it less confusing! I never noticed that they mixed together like that, so thank you for bringing it to my attention! Thank you so much, lovely! xx

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Review #12, by navyfail The Revival of Chivalry

28th July 2013:
Hi! I'm here with the review swap.

I do think this is a great beginning to a story. It shows a lot of potential and your characters seem interesting. I think the beginning was a tad confusing. The transition from the first scene to the next can be better.

One thing I think you pulled off is having an American in the story. Sometimes it feels too overdone or too much but you did it perfectly. Another thing is that you have a good balance of your characters. We see an even amount of Roxy, James and Finn. Right now I already have a general feel to their characters.

For coming chapters I would work on her back story. We don't see much of her past or why she is going to Hogwarts so I think adding in her story little by little through chapters will make it interesting and keep readers wanting to know more.

All in all, lovely first chapter. I have a feeling in story will be more surprising as time passes.

~Sama

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'll work on creating a better shift between the two scenes! I don't want it to be too confusing for the reader! Awe, thank you! I'm glad you like Perri. I wasn't sure if the American student-thing was overdone, but I really wanted to try it out! I'm working on her backstory currently, so there will definitely be more of that coming soon! Thank you very much for the lovely review!
xx


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Review #13, by miluv The Revival of Chivalry

22nd July 2013:
THIS IS SO GOOD. Okay bye :)
xox miluv

Author's Response: You're so sweet! Thank you, thank you! xx

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Review #14, by EnigmaticEyes16 The Revival of Chivalry

21st July 2013:
This is a really great start to your story. I am very curious to find out who this girl is and why she's at Hogwarts, and what happened in the woods...

So far though, I really enjoy your characters, Roxy, James, and FInn, and can't wait to meet the rest of them. This looks like it's going to be an interesting story.

xxEnigmaticEyes16

Author's Response: Thank you so much, lovely! I'm glad you're intrigued! Perri's a very interesting character to write, and I enjoy her background story (I hope you will too). I'm so glad you like the characters! xx

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