Reading Reviews for An Illusion of Sanity
  
28 Reviews Found

Review #1, by marauderfan The One Where Jelly is Jam

23rd July 2014:
Hello there! I'm here with your requested review - it seems I did the first chapter for a swap (like a year ago) so I'm reviewing this chapter now.

So. Since Perri's past is still a mystery at this point, I'm over analyzing everything she says about time and the weather. Here's what I've come up with: She's from the Southeastern USA, based on the five hour time difference, and the fact that Scotland in September seems cold to her. Am I close? :P

No idea what made her transfer though - you've let a little more of the mystery through but withheld enough information to keep people coming back for more! So the pacing of the information is really good.

As for the characters - they all seem a pretty happy-go-lucky bunch. Fred and Roxanne were pretty amusing, particularly the day after Fred and Perri's late night escapade to the kitchen. But the character I'm most intrigued by is Perri herself. She has good social skills, is cheerful and seems to integrate so well with the Weasleys, but she has this mysterious dark past - which so far hasn't shown up much in her character and I'm wondering if it affects her but she hides it, or if she has forgotten, or if she went insane and there's something wrong with her (after all, the story title and the hint that she transferred schools due to some sanity related 'incident'.) So yeah, I'm curious.

As for story flow - it's good, and well paced so far. I'm not sure where it's headed yet as this seems to be primarily the exposition still, but it's not boring by any means. I like it.

Some little picky details you might want to fix with a quick edit:
At one point she says it's 10pm at home while it's 3am in Scotland, but then in the next paragraph she says she's "sitting around like it's lunch time" - unless she eats lunch at 10pm maybe this should say dinner time at the earliest.

And here: “Careful,” I jumped, stumbling forwards and catching myself on the stone wall. “I think the stairs are much more efficient means of descent.” -- It sounds like she is the one saying this (to herself). Maybe add something in there like '"Careful," said a voice, and I jumped.'

Anyway, those are both small things. Overall it was a lovely chapter, and I think you're doing great work on this! :)

Author's Response: Hi there! Thank you so much for your lovely review! As for where Perri's from, you are right! She's from somewhere that has more mild falls than Scotland (I still haven't picked a definitive state...oops). I'm very glad you like Fred and Roxy and especially Perri! Yes, she is rather dark and mysterious. Her past will come through, and you'll see how it's affecting her!

I went right over to the story and fixed those details right away! Thank you so much for the review!

xx Rachel


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Review #2, by TidalDragon Apocalyptic

21st July 2014:
Hello once more!

The biggest thing that jumped out to me immediately here was the violation of canon (yes, I'm that guy) that was the boys getting into Perri's dorm room. It's pretty well established that at Hogwarts, the boys can't get up the girls' staircase, so I'd think of how to tweak this scene to avoid that problem.

The other thing that stood out is that things seem to be going awfully swimmingly for Perri. It's something of a trope that you want to be careful of, having an American transfer student come to Hogwarts and take the school by storm, making instant friends and getting on the Quidditch team and such. I think from the way the story started that things are clearly going to get darker for Perri at some point, but I'd just be very careful with these decisions going forward. It's not that they're categorically negative ones, just ones that will automatically cost you some readers.

I do like that you're giving Perri a distinctive personality though. She certainly seems to have the sense of humor and brash spirit that would fit with the friends she's made. Explaining her excellent reaction-time (i.e. why she's such a good Keeper) would probably be helpful too (but maybe that's coming).

Hopefully my reviews have been helpful. Feel free to PM if you have any questions!

Author's Response: Hi thank you for all of your help! Ah, yes the dorm issue. I only added that because in so many stories I've read that boys can enter using their broomsticks (flying above the actual stairs). I know it's not like that in the real books, but I thought it added a little interest to the story. Not everything is going to go well for her. She's got a lot ahead of her!

Thank you so much!

xx Rachel


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Review #3, by TidalDragon The Detrimental Effects of Gravity

21st July 2014:
Hello hello hello.

So I'm gathering that something a bit strange happened with the knife (I suppose we'll see). I thought the interactions between Perri and Collette as well as Perri and Lily (II) were particularly realistic though and so that stood out as strongly positive.

That said, I'd be careful with two things: (1) profanity and (2) consistency. With the first point, you'll recall from canon that very little profanity is used throughout the series. You may also note that in prominent literary works, expletives are also used very sparingly. This is done for a reason - because profanity also jumps out at the reader and often detracts from the story by causing distraction - unless it's a truly high impact situation. As regards consistency, it just seemed a bit odd to me that Perri is going to be staying with Harry and Ginny, knows all these other canon characters, but doesn't know Lily (II), Harry and Ginny's daughter. Just be careful. To me it would make the most sense for her to know Harry and Ginny and their kids for sure, and perhaps figures like Ron, Hermione, Neville, etc. who played prominent roles in defeating Voldemort (they're historical figures). Since you've kind of staked out the path that she basically knows everyone though, I'd make sure she continues to know all the Potters and Weasleys.

Author's Response: Hello! Yes, you're right! Perri's secret is beginning to unravel itself to the readers, as well as her friends. I will work on the profanity and consistency. Profanity sometimes slips into my work without me really noticing. Perri's knows of Lily Potter, but this was the first time she had ever really met her! She definitely knows who she is!

Thank you!

xx Rachel


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Review #4, by TidalDragon The One Where Jelly is Jam

21st July 2014:
Hello again!

So we now get the explanation of why Perri is here (at least in part). I assumed you'd be developing it throughout, but it's nice to get a taste early so we know what we're working with.

As far as this chapter, perhaps it was mainly to introduce the Fred/Perri dynamic, but it didn't feel as strong substantively to me. Most of it was either dedicated to that dynamic or to highlighting cultural differences (something that, as I alluded to in my last review, I wouldn't make a huge habit of).

As far as Fred goes, the section where he appeared was a little perplexing to me. First, I wonder how Perri can identify all these people - first Fred himself and then how she knows Hermione's name and their relationship. Second, though the scene WORKS regardless of how you interpret it, I'm interested about what you intended with the interaction between Fred and Perri in the kitchens. At first it was all very light-hearted, but then seemed to turn quite predatory, only to be easily forgotten the next day. If the goal was not to give Fred a predatory vibe, I'd be careful with word choice and description in future interactions. If it was, then mission accomplished.

See you next chapter!

Author's Response: Hi! Yes, I'm slowly giving away little hints as to why she's here (a full explanation is to come). I did kind of use this chapter to introduce Freddy, and I wanted to get some sort of start on the relationship between the two because Fred's a main character! The cultural differences are definitely not something I'm going to keep pointing out. I felt like adding one would show that she's not completely acclimated to this new country! I will work to fix the kitchen scene!

Thank you so much!

xx Rachel


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Review #5, by TidalDragon The Revival of Chivalry

21st July 2014:
Howdy! Dropping by to fill your review request!

As far as the story goes generally, I think you have an interesting idea. You opened with a high degree of intrigue with the italicized scene and then the similar (or at least apparently similar) sensation Perri experienced on the platform.

With regard to the content, I just noticed a few specific things. First is the comfort level that Perri has with the other characters. Right now, she seems to have just folded in seamlessly with the Next Gen characters you want to highlight who have accepted her without a second thought or any awkwardness. This could be fine if it is explained, but so far all we have by way of explanation is that Perri will be staying with the Potters for the next two years. We don't know if she's an exchange student, if she was placed with them for some other reason, or really WHY she is here. Regardless, without some foundation for Roxy and James knowing her, it seems odd that there would be no awkwardness at all between she and the other students.

That said, I think you handled the cultural divide better than a lot of people. You didn't slip into the pitfall of either having Perri just know everything about the culture and make no mistakes, but you also didn't clobber us over the head with a litany of cultural differences that would've had our (and Perri's) heads spinning. So that was good to see.

I'm interested to see where things go from here. See you next chapter!

Author's Response: Hello! Thank you so much for stopping by! I will definitely try and fix the relationship between Perri and the Potter/Weasley family! The reasoning behind why she is there will come out. At the moment I've held back and haven't revealed that information. It's coming though, don't worry. I need to develop Perri and the rest of the story a little bit more before I reveal that.

Thank you!

xx Rachel


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Review #6, by Veronica Apocalyptic

20th July 2014:
Great story and I absolutely love perri ! She is a great character with a brilliant sense of humor!

Author's Response: Hi, hi! I'm really glad you like Perri; she's so much fun to write! Her sense of humor just kind of comes naturally, so I'm really happy you enjoy it. Thank you so much for the lovely review!

xx Rachel


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Review #7, by MarieBlack Apocalyptic

19th July 2014:
I just stumbled upon this story in the recently added and I'm so sincerely glad I did! :) Usually I find myself disappointed in the American-with-comes-to-Hogwarts stories but you have delightfully whisked away my inhibitions of the topic!

I'm so sorry I waited four chapters to review but I hate stopping when I'm on a reading roll! I love Perri; she's spunky, a bit clumsy, but quick-witted. Her back-story is so delightfully intriguing honestly, I'm eager to see the reasons that brought her to good ole Hoggywarts, and see where it takes her.

Also, oh man, so many fit and attractive blokes, I'm eager to see where her affections will lie. Will it be Freddy, the smirking beater? Or Finn, though secretly I totally ship Finn and Roxy. Or even Roan the mysterious hunky captain. ;) I'm pulling for Freddy on this one though!

I'm eager to read more, happy writing on it all! You have made an avid reader out of me!

Author's Response: Hi there! I'm so glad you stumbled upon my story too! Ah, I did? I had never really read any stories about Americans, so I was like, hey, why not? Aw you don't have to apologize! I do the same thing. I read through all the chapters before I post a review!

Eee, I'm so glad you like Perri! I love planning and writing her character. There's something so natural about her that makes her so easy to write. You will definitely learn soon about her reasoning for coming to Hogwarts :P Ah yes, I'm a huge sucker for fit and attractive blokes. Ooo Finn and Roxy, I had never really thought of that! As for Perri, you'll have to wait and see xD

Thank you so much for reading! Your lovely review absolutely made my day, so thank you, thank you!

xx Rachel


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Review #8, by Gabriella Hunter The Revival of Chivalry

19th July 2014:
HELLO!

This is Gabbie from the forums with your review, I'm SO sorry that it took me so long. The weather was really bad and I was catching up on some of my own stories that I've been neglecting so I wasn't able to check my thread.

Anyway, this! So, I'm really interested in that opening scene, there was obviously something dark and violent happening for Perri to be left alone the way she was. I want to know what happened and how she was able to get away--I think you've made her a bit mysterious and I really like that. You're not able to figure her out very easily and that's always a good thing. Now, I was a bit confused by the platform scene, I don't think I was able to grasp what was really going on. Why was Perri with the Potters/Weasleys? I would have liked a bit more detail on her surroundings and a bit of exposition would have cleared that right up.
Also, I'm not sure if Roxy is James's cousin or not, there wasn't much of a description of her features aside from the red hair. But I do like their relationship though, I was able to see how close they were and I enjoyed how they brought Perri up to speed. Also, Albus is a Slytherin in this story! Awesome! Can't wait to see more of him and Scorpius.

(In my story, he's a Gryffindor)

Anyway, I really liked the subtle differences in vocabulary too. As an American, I often find myself confused by British-isms so I thought that was very well done. I hope that Perri will be able to move around Hogwarts without too many problems! I wonder if something is going to happen between her and Finn? Hm.
,
Aside from the few things that I pointed out, this was a good read! I hope you re-request so I'll be able to find out more about Perri's past and meet the rest of your characters!

Much love,

Gabbie

Author's Response: Hi there! Not to worry! I totally understand, you have to utilize the bad weather to attend to your stories (I know I do). Thank you so much for your feedback! I will definitely try and clear up the opening scene so it's more clear for the reader. I don't want people to be confused, so I'll be sure to fix it up!

I agree! As an American I'm always confused/intrigued about the British-isms (as you call them) that appear in stories. I love them, and I love trying to figure out what they mean. Ooo as for Finn and Perri, you'll have to wait and see xD

Thank you so much for reviewing! It was very helpful! I will definitely be stopping by to re-request this story!

xx Rachel


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Review #9, by crestwood Apocalyptic

19th July 2014:
Hey!

The kidnapping scene was subtly awesome writing. Kind of like a horror scene honestly. Which, I'm sure waking up that early has got to be like. I continue to love Freddy, Finn and James with everything in me.

I'm so glad Perri made the team rather than Travis, he was far too sure of himself. Even better was her sarcastic take down of him with Freddy. I can just imagine the look on his face.

Your writing is pretty much foolproof here and my attention is absolutely firmly held. This plotline feels like it's on it's way to greatness. I can't believe this chapter hasn't been reviewed yet, it's amazing. Thank you for your request and please re-request when you've uploaded more because I really want to read on!!

Author's Response: Hello! Thank you I'm glad you enjoyed the kidnapping scene. It was kind of spur of the moment and just happened. Squee! I love the boys, so I'm glad you do too! Yeah, Travis is too self-assured. Even as the writer he drives me insane.

Thank you so much for all of your reviews! It really made my day to wakeup and hear all the nice things you had to say! I will definitely be re-requesting! So thank you, thank you! You were absolutely wonderful!

xx Rachel


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Review #10, by crestwood The Detrimental Effects of Gravity

19th July 2014:
I laughed for about a solid minute at "You should see the other guy." The humor is ridiculously funny in this chapter. I usually have a hard time laughing at written words but the dialogue here is just too perfect.

I can't think of a bad word to say about this chapter. Every character is perfect and bounces off of each other so naturally. I'm also really surprised we haven't heard much from Albus, Rose or Scorpius. It's kind of a nice change of pace to see some lesser used Next-Gen characters have a some spotlight to themselves. This is the strongest chapter yet!

Author's Response: Ahh, you think so?? Thank you! I wasn't really certain if readers find the dialogue funny, so it literally just made my day that you laughed! I wanted to try something new, a new spin to the Next Generation. As much as I love Rose, Al, and Scorp I wanted to try out some new characters in this story.

Thank you so much!

xx Rachel


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Review #11, by crestwood The One Where Jelly is Jam

19th July 2014:
Freddy is awesome here, wow. He is such a good contrast to Perri and I can only hope we see a lot of him in future chapters. I love that you included Perri finding the castle absolutely confusing, because I think writers often forget how large and daunting it can be, especially at night.

The British/American mix-ups are funny and I'm glad you didn't force Perri to reveal too much about her reasons for being there too quickly, it's best to build up to that sort of thing. This was a great chapter!

Also, reading the phrase "A series of unfortunate events" really brings back memories for me.

Author's Response: Yay! I'm so glad you like Freddy, he's by far one of my favorite characters, especially to write! I'm really glad you like it so far!

Thank you, thank you!
xx Rachel


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Review #12, by crestwood The Revival of Chivalry

18th July 2014:
Hey, crestwood from the forums here with your requested review!

I've never read a story centered around (what seems to be) a foreign exchange student on here. It's an interesting thing to tackle and it'll be fun to see what magical folk in America are like and how they differ from those in Europe.

Since Perri can see thestrals, the death she's seen may have something to do with why she's at Hogwarts. Can't wait to find out more about why she's here and why she can see them. You also wrote believable transitions between scenes that helped the reader kind of follow what was happening while going from one place to another, which helped with the flow so much.

The first few paragraphs were incredibly compelling. Your description simply could not have been better of whatever kind of torture that was being inflicted upon Perri. Hats off to you for that flashback. This is an awesome start!

Author's Response: Hello! Thank you so much for your feedback! I had never read anything centered around an exchange student either, so I thought I might try it. I'm really glad you enjoyed it, thank you!

xx Rachel


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Review #13, by gjhfgjhf The One Where Jelly is Jam

10th June 2014:
love this so fnny i love perri's spunk and flirtiness :)
!

Author's Response: thank you, thank you!! I'm so glad you like her! she's a fun character to read!

xx Rachel


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Review #14, by lalalalaluhhver The Detrimental Effects of Gravity

10th June 2014:
OH MA GAWD I LOVE THIS STORY SO MUCH I WANT TO HAVE ITS BABIES. Just kidding, although I do love this story. I am puhh - raying that Perri and sexy Mchottie pants Freddie Weasley develop a relationship. :) love love love this please update soon!!! xo

Author's Response: Ahh thank you, lovely!! I'm so glad you love it! I love writing it, so I'm glad someone else feels the same way! You never know what the future will hold! You're going to have to keep reading to find out :P Thank you so much for all your kind words! You made my day!

xxRachel


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Review #15, by jilly_ The Detrimental Effects of Gravity

8th December 2013:
I can't believe there have been no reviews for this chapter yet, this story is coming along so well! Although, near the end you wrote 'here' instead of 'hear', but I still really enjoyed it! I can't wait for the next one (:

Author's Response: Ahh thank you so much! My review box has been a bit lonely lately, so you just made my night! Thank you! I'm glad you liked it! I will definitely go back and fix the error! Thank you for pointing it out! With the holidays coming up, I'm hoping to have the next one up soon! Thank you for such a lovely review! Happy Holidays!

xx Rachel


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Review #16, by navyfail The One Where Jelly is Jam

22nd September 2013:
Hey Rachel! I saw that the second chapter is up so I thought I would have a look. :)

First off, Freddy is adorable. I mean he is manly and all but to me he is very sweet. He has a very outgoing and mischievous personality. Also I like that you added in some information about her past and how she ended up here. I am in the same boat with her when it comes to British foods and words. I actually never noticed the jam and jelly thing before. P

One thing I noticed: "His finger lightly tickled the pair on the portrait." I think 'pair' was supposed to be 'pear.'

Also this line, "A series of unfortunate events," reminds me of this book series I read as a kid, haha.

Overall, nice chapter. Though I do wish to see more of James.

~Sama

Author's Response: Hello there!!

Thank you so much for reading the second chapter! Yay! I'm glad you like Freddy. He's my absolute favorite to write! I wish I knew a Freddy in my life. I'm going to sprinkle in her past throughout the chapters, so this is only the beginning of all the information(: Ahh thank you! I will fix that pronto! You're right, it is a book series! I hadn't noticed when I first wrote the chapter. I'll go back and credit it! There's plenty of James to come, don't you worry!

Thank you for the lovely review!
xx


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Review #17, by MC_HK The One Where Jelly is Jam

18th August 2013:
Hello!

The beginning to the story is good, and I like where you are taking this. It's funny to see an American at Hogwarts and being confused by the slang. You gave your characters good personality, and they are fun to read.

I would say that it would flow very nicely if the minor spelling and grammar mistakes could be addressed. There is an instance where you use "adobe" instead of "abode", and you have "out" instead of "our". I am quite confused with the whole Fred and Perri situation in the kitchens, though. I understand it was supposed to be kind of playful, but I didn't really understand what was going on. And for me, the relationship between him and Perri seemed very rushed, like they got too comfortable too quickly. That's just my opinion, though.

Overall, you've got a good start here. Interested in reading more, MC_HK

Author's Response: Thank you very much! I'll be sure to take care of the spelling and grammar issues! Ah! I don't want anyone to be confused by that part...I'll fix it! This has been extremely helpful! Thank you very much! xx

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Review #18, by Richard Ficklemore The One Where Jelly is Jam

15th August 2013:
Absolutely incredible. Please continue it! The characters are so lovable and have well-established personalities, i'd be a shame to not continue it!

Author's Response: Thank you, thank you! I will definitely continue writing the story! I'm really glad you like the characters! I adore them(: Many thanks for the lovely review! xx

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Review #19, by Just a Puppy Sized Elephant The Revival of Chivalry

15th August 2013:
Amazingly well developed Characters for a short story. Please finish it! Or continue it! Or make it into a Hollywood blockbuster! Something!

Author's Response: Awe you're making me blush! Thank you so much! I'm so glad you like the characters! I adore writing them. Thank you for the lovely review! xx

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Review #20, by CambAngst The Revival of Chivalry

13th August 2013:
Hi, there. Tagging you from the Review the Person Above You thread in the common room.

I thought this was a really engaging start to your story. You picked an interesting slate of characters to run with and mixed canon and original characters evenly. Your writing was descriptive and engaging and it was easy to visualize the scenes and events you created.

Probably my favorite thing about the way you wrote this chapter was how you made the delivery of information feel very organic. A lot of authors will sort of bludgeon the reader over the head with back story in the first chapter. They'll back up the proverbial truck and unload a mountain of details about the characters -- names, years, houses, appearances, quirky personality traits, etc. Instead of doing that, you worked in some relevant information in a very natural-sounding way. And you left some things unsaid, which isn't a bad thing at all. I feel like I know just enough about your characters to want to know more, and that's what a good first chapter does.

I'm intrigued to know what an American girl is doing at Hogwarts, or why she's going to be spending the next two years living with the Potters. I'm also a bit curious why she seems to be meeting Ginny and Harry for the first time on Platform 9 3/4. The first section of the chapter -- whether it was a flashback or a memory -- really grabbed my attention. I get the feeling that poor Perri has survived something very traumatic, something that still haunts her at certain times. Again, you did a great job of giving me just enough information to make me want to know more. You're pacing things really, really well so far.

Suggestions? One thing I think you should keep an eye on is mixing up your word choice. This sentence jumped out at me: Blood was rushing to my brain in waves, not helping the dizziness that seemed to be invading my brain like an army of small men. When you repeat something like "my brain" twice in the same sentence, it can sound a bit sing-songy. There were a few other places I remember seeing something like this. It isn't a huge deal, but your writing is so lovely otherwise that it stuck out.

Lastly, a few typos:

"And she wonders why I don't like to be seen with her in public," James muttered just loud enough for me to hear as we stumbled passed Roxy, or so he thought. - stumbled past

"You poor baby." Finn frowned and attempted to poke Roxy in the eye with his finger, but his attempt was sabotaged Roxy's re-acquired magazine. - was sabotaged by

Roxy squealed. "I'm so glad we get to keep her!" Her trunk in one hand and my hand in the other she dragged me passed as glowering James. - dragged me past

Like I said before, great start! You write really well and I think you've put together a compelling premise here. Keep up the good work!

Author's Response: Oh my! Thank you so much for the wonderful review! I'm really glad you liked it so far! I tried not to give away too many details in the first chapter. I feel as though part of the fun of reading is trying to figure out background stories and the plot before you are given all the information. If I was to give all the details in the first chapter the story wouldn't be as interesting!

An American at Hogwarts is definitely strange and sometimes considered a cliche, but Perri has a definite reason for being there. Throughout the story you're going to find out why she's staying with the Potter's for 2 years!

Ah yes, I do have a nasty habit of doing that sometimes. Thank you for pointing that out. I'll have to go and fix the double words. Meep, I try to stay away from it, but sometimes it happens without me realizing! I can never pick up typos by myself because I always read it the way it should be, so thank you! I'll go fix those mistakes ASAP.

Thank you so much for the wonderfully helpful review, and for taking the time to read my first chapter! xx


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Review #21, by lost and broken The Revival of Chivalry

7th August 2013:
Absolutely loved the little intro part. Very well written. The rest of the chapter was also very good. You got me interested in reading more : )

Author's Response: Thank you so much, lovely! Yay! I'm so glad you enjoyed it! Thank you for the wonderful review! xx

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Review #22, by miluv The One Where Jelly is Jam

6th August 2013:
Is this a Preddy fic? Ooh I'm so excited!

Author's Response: Heh. I love Freddy with all my heart! xx

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Review #23, by Jchrissy The Revival of Chivalry

1st August 2013:
Hi there, and congratulations on your first chapter!!! I realized a few paragraphs in that it was super familiar, then remembered coming across it in the queue!

Anyway, I love the intensity you start off with. It's obvious Perri suffered some serious trauma, and the end of that section had me believing it was possibly a werewolf attack? Regardless, you definitely gave the reader something to sink their teeth into!

I liked Perri's nervousness at the beginning, and the way she seemed to blend comfortable in the group. Your grammar is great and I didn't notice any typos, which made the entire read really smooth!

You're going to face a bit of people commenting on a few cliches, but I don't think there is anything wrong with cliches if they're well done. Just make sure you flesh out a probable reason for Perri to be there and keep her from falling into Mary Sue land, and I think you'll have an awesome story on your hands!

You got the funny/teasing banter I always imagine of next gen down perfectly, and that balanced out the serious side of the beginning really well. It was fun getting to see the whole group through the eyes of someone who'd just stepped into their world.

I think you have a really lovely start so far, m'dear! Good luck, and thank you for the awesome swap!

Jami

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm really excited to be starting a story! I'm trying to stay away from cliches/making cliches too cliche! Perri definitely has a reason for being there! That's coming in the near future! Thank you! I'm glad you think they're funny! I always adore reading stories that have banter, so I wanted to try to add a little of my own!

Thank you for the absolutely lovely review! xx


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Review #24, by day_dreamer13 The Revival of Chivalry

31st July 2013:
I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT

Author's Response: THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! xx

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Review #25, by marauderfan The Revival of Chivalry

28th July 2013:
Hello! :) Here for our review swap!

This looks like a good start to your story! Your characters are a lot of fun so far and they seem realistic. You did a good job capturing Perri's star-struck nervousness when she met Harry. And I like how well she fits in with James, Roxy, and Finn despite that she's the "new girl" and everyone else has known each other for years. I was kind of wondering why she's there, though - what made her switch schools? I assume it has something to do with why she can see the thestrals, but that's just my guess ;) I'd love to find out more about Perri's back story in future chapters.

If you don't mind a bit of CC, I think the first part is a little confusing. I get that it's a flashback to some experience of torture, but the way it's juxtaposed there right before Perri talks about her lungs being compressed as she shows up on the platform, makes it seem like a really long, painful experience of Apparating onto Platform 9 and 3/4! Which I am sure is not what you intended ;) It's certainly a gripping start, but if you want to separate that flashback from the discomfort of apparating onto the platform I think it'd be easier to understand what's happening.

Altogether this looks like a great start, well done!

Author's Response: Hi there! Thank you so much for the review! You've been so, so helpful! I'm working on the history behind her move to Hogwarts, but I think I'll add more so that nobody become too confused! Ah, okay! I'll work on making it less confusing! I never noticed that they mixed together like that, so thank you for bringing it to my attention! Thank you so much, lovely! xx

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