Reading Reviews for stranger things
  
47 Reviews Found

Review #1, by godrinkpinesol Enemy of a Friend

6th November 2013:
Holy crap what a way to leave it! More please?

Author's Response: I've got some other projects I'm working on at the moment, but I think I'll get back to this soon. I'm so happy you like it!

 Report Review

Review #2, by DarknessIsMyOnlyFriend Hide & Seek

5th October 2013:
I'd like to start by saying Sorry for taking this long. I had this request on my list for far too long, but I just lack time lately. Anyway here I am, finally.

This story caught my eye because it's set in the marauder era, my favourite. However, your summary isn't enticing really. This is a shame because a summary (in the end) has little to do with the story. It says so little about it.

For a second I figured you were already starting with quidditch or something of the sorts. Instead it's hide and seek! I like it! And for it to go the way it did. It was a nice introduction to Charlotte I think.

Her mother was an inferius when she had charlotte? How does that work? After she was killed, didn't all functions stop? No more blood or food to the baby and everything? I do love that Voldemort controls a part of her. It makes sense, if he controlled her mother while she was born...
That does make for a very interesting plotline! Very curious about this!!
Details like; nothing fills her up, but does food sustain her or does she need an additional food source?
And how does it effect her powers.

I like the way you describe her relationship with her father. The interest in school and such. It's a really nice touch. And the fact he realises which subject she dropped.

I also like that she mentions she isn't good at making friends and points out a fault of her own, instead of making herself a victim. No matter how big a victim you actually are, I always like it when someone does not victimize themselves. However, the reason does make her sound a little full of herself and I don't really think she is.

And how rude of the marauders to tell her to leave! Don't get me wrong, Charlotte was wrong in the situation as well. But seriously, you came in later. And you could not take the insults you dish so well? If I had been Sirius I would have left, head hung down in shame. Don't dish it out if you can't take the heat.
Seriously though, I like how you portrait them. I often make them really nice and wonderful, but the books indicate that there was another side to the marauders. A cocky and somewhat rude side. You captured that wonderfully.

Author's Response: I'm so ecstatic after reading this review! I'm glad that you had some points that I should work on. The details are a bit vague when explaining her backstory, and when I have time I will have to revamp this novel.

Unfortunately, Charlotte is a bit full of herself. I kind of miss writing a character that everyone hates, and Charlotte gave me a perfect excuse to do that.

I'm also super duper happy you understood my point of view with the marauders! I know that they are overall good people in this chapter of their life: but they're still teenage boys.

Thanks so much for your review and I'm sorry the response is so late.


 Report Review

Review #3, by naflower05 Enemy of a Friend

2nd October 2013:
good chapters!i wonder what's happening with her... update again soon please!!

Author's Response: I will as soon as I can!

 Report Review

Review #4, by naflower05 Clear-Minded Love

8th September 2013:
good chapter!! i think it's funny how prefessional she was about the kiss. update again soon please! =]

Author's Response: Yes, that's just Charlotte! I'll be updating as soon as my other novel is updated. This will be updated right after!

 Report Review

Review #5, by BLONDEbehaviour Russian Roulette

6th September 2013:
"Dun dun DUN."

Hello! Yay for reviews!

This was a seriously cool chapter! Not many stories i read actually have proper quidittch matches in them, so this was a neat change, and you wrote it really well!

Oooo poor Char, she's getting nightmares! And her paleness and stuff... is she becoming more human?? Is she becoming more human because she is interacting with Sirius Black in a 'relationshipy' manner? Oooo, ideas ideas! I'm looking forward to definitely seeing where this goes! Very intriguing! I wonder what this will do for her and Blacks friend/relationship, as well as hers and Lillys.

I hope her leg isn't too bashed up! And i wonder if Sirius was really truthful i saying that it was Alec who did. That's not good if it was, that may lead to bad decisions, and an even more injured Charlotte. And we do not want that! Hopefully nothing comes of it :

A few spelling mistakes, only able to find one, which is good! "I guess i shouldn't be to excited" that to should be a too :) Also, just an idea, where she says thank lord, you could 'wizardy' it up, and change those to like thank merlin or something. Just an idea :)

Very cool chapter! Keep the requests coming and all that. I love reviewing this story :D

Grace

Author's Response: Thanks so much!

I love writing Quidditch matches, and I don't know why I write it so well. I think it's on of my strengths for some reason.

Yes, she will eventually deal with it, but I'll let you know: it's not what you think.

She will be fine, but you will be annoyed with my next chapter. I know you will be.

Thanks for your awesome review and I'll look for that again. I always type oh lord and I end up changing it to merlin. Guess I missed that one.

Thanks again!


 Report Review

Review #6, by StellaRose Eavesdropping and Bygones

6th September 2013:
So like you requested, I'm going to give feedback on your OC so far. Honestly, I read through chapters 2-4 then went back and re-read ch. 1. What I noticed is that from Ch. 1, you kind of lost some of her qualities that really made her different from everyone else.

For example, in Ch. 4, if I hadn't already known that she was half dead I wouldn't have picked it up from this chapter. Now this doesn't mean you have to inform the reader of this every few lines or so but rather, think of ways to show this. Besides eating and sleeping what else would her condition affect?

The one thing I'm most confused about is her relationship with the other characters. In your description in Ch. 1 you said she was depressed about boarding the train because she didn't have any friends. Because of this, I was kind of surprised when Lily joined her and gave her a hug.

I like that you included Quidditch but it doesn't seem true to her character. I could understand if she liked playing the sport since she had so much pent up energy but for some reason I don't see her being a great team player and I think that would cause some conflict with the team.

My biggest cc would be to try and find some faults for your OC besides the fact that she's part dead. This will make her more relatable and will balance her out.

Alright now for what I LOVED about your story! It's too funny that Rita is one of her roommates. I think that's really clever and could lead to some interesting dynamics! Does Rita maybe discover her secret and blab it to the whole school! So many possibilities!

Remus is great. My favorite scene is where he warns Sirius not to mess with the Ravenclaw Chick. 'She's smarter than you.' HA! Too true, people really shouldn't mess with us claws ;)

I think you definitely picked a tough plot bunny so don't despair-- You're progressing wonderfully! I think it's great that your tackling such an interesting and complex OC. Sure, there are things you can improve on but your writing style is really solid as is your story idea.

Keep writing and I look forward to reading more of your chapters :)

--Emmy

Author's Response: Thanks so much! I don't think I had a really set idea on who Charlotte would be in my first chapter, so I definitely want to fix that.

I tried to make it so it affects her as little as possible in the first few chapters, and if I keep re-requesting, you will see why.

And yes, all that with Lily giving her a hug is a big mistake too. I really appreciate you pointing out the specific parts.

She does like Quidditch, and that's one of those odd things about her character. She's still human, and her competitiveness is one of the traits that I think she took from her human side. And I did mention in the chapter that none of the Ravenclaws are good team players and that's why they lose. That will be pronounced even more in the Quidditch match chapter.

The balance that I found with her is that she can't feel. It may not seem like a big disadvantage, but it's pretty sad. Of course, she doesn't see it that way. She's a big optimist in her own way.

I wanted to use Rita because she is known as such a talkative person, and Charlotte just isn't. And it bugs Charlotte, yes it does.

Thanks so much for your awesome review and getting to it so quickly!


 Report Review

Review #7, by BLONDEbehaviour Running, Watching, Waiting

5th September 2013:
Hello :)

I love the insight that we get into Sirius and Charlotte in this chapter, it really gives us a deeper look into what makes both of those characters tick- i liked it alot!

I loved how you really defined Charlotte as being aware of her weaknesses in this chapter "I am no exception to this" This is really good, it shows us that even this logical half-human is still human and has faults, and i think the way that you showed that, through something as common and hated as judging others is very good :)

I love how Sirius is also starting to take more of an emotional interest in Char. Before it was all fun ad games but now he is definitely realizing that there is more to her than he originally thought, and she may just be worth his time. (Yaay!)

In regards to the writing, i only saw one spelling mistake- "I felt like i was sheding the weight" Just add an extra 'd' to shedding :)

Now it may just have been the way i read it, but i found it kind of hard to make the connection that she was writing her paper after her run. I know she was going to do that, she says it, but because you put stuff in between i just got a little lost there. May have just been me, but thought i would point it out :)

Great chapter as per usual :) re-request and all that :P

Blondie

Author's Response: Yes I like writing chapters like this. They are like the calm in the middle of the storm.

Yes, she is not perfect and invincible and she knows it. I love that about her character. She understands that even if she knows that quick judgments are almost always wrong, she still does it.

Yep, Sirius is all fun to write because he's still a bit of a kid at heart. But seventh year Sirius is the best Sirius because ugh he's developing and becoming mature and awesome stuff!

Oh okay, I think I might've noticed that and I wasn't actually sure if it was wrong or not. Thanks for clarifying!

I think I'll make it a longer time between her entering the building and getting to her common room. I think that's a bit rushed as well.

Thanks so much! I definitely will.


 Report Review

Review #8, by BLONDEbehaviour Heat is Relative

4th September 2013:
Yaaay party scene!

Alot happened in this chapter, and you handled it very well! Poor Charlotte, getting hit on unwantedly by a guy, but she handled it in a smart Charlotte-like fashion, good on her!

Wow, an almost kiss! Made me a but giddy, hoping it really would happen. And Char did ant it happen, partly, if not wholely, there's definitely still some logic in her :)

I also found that we discover a fear, or even a weakness of Char quite intriguing! Fire who would've thought! Will be very interesting to see what happens in regards to that, especially now that Sirius has an idea that it is something that she doesn't like! I wonder if there's a back story to it?

The only thing that i can see that may help with the imagery of the chapter, would be at the beginning, maybe describing the Gryffindor common room a bit more, is it covered in streamers, is there food and punch, things like that :) Apart from that, you have written it very well!

Still loving this story and the requests :) Your responses are awesome too!

Blondie

Author's Response: I knew you would like this :)

She was very reluctant to go, but I think it shows that Charlotte really is a nice person when she wants to be (to Lily anyway). And yes, I had to do that, because I wanted to bring Sirius in as the "hero". Otherwise, there would have been no reason for the two to interact.

Yes, it's actually because of what we learn in the book about inferi from JK. They will back away from fire as we saw in the sixth book. I thought it would be interesting to bring that in.

Thanks for your wonderful review, and I'm going to re-request. Don't feel pressure to get it done today! You're so awesome!



 Report Review

Review #9, by BLONDEbehaviour An Assumption, An Inference, And A Debt

4th September 2013:
Hi, i'm back!

Interesting chapter, I like how we see a lot of Charlotte and her internal struggles in regards to logic versus feelings. I found it really fascinating how she puts logic and emotionless ideas before feelings. I believe we may see that begin to break if she interacts with Sirius more, will be cool to see what happens next!

I'm glad to see that she is still interacting with Emma and Lily, even if it is short and sweet. I think that she will still be a good friend to Lily, and I'm intrigued in what is going to happen at the party, especially considering Sirius is 'with' Marlene, scandal!!

This chapter was very well written, there wasn't much that i could find that needed improving, only a couple grammar spots :) "Most girls, again, a generalization, would swoon over the simple fact that he spoke to her" It may be better to put them instead of her at the end, as you have spoke through girls as a verb :) The other ones is "It's your Seventh Year, don't you want to have one good laugh with someone other than yourself?" Seventh year does not need caps :)

Another good chapter!! I do like this story very much, keep em requests coming!!


Blondie :D

Author's Response: She is beginning to struggle, but she won't give in just yet. You'll see. She's interacting with one of the most emotional characters of them all, so that's where it's coming from!

I knew that it would be too hard to make her completely hate everyone. The only way I could make it work is if she had some connection with Lily. And don't worry too soon, I know the anticipation must be killing you.

I had a little trouble in writing that section just because I had to switch between hypothetical situations and reality. It was a bit confusing, but hanks for pointing that out!

I definitely will. I love reading your reviews!


 Report Review

Review #10, by StellaRose Hide & Seek

1st September 2013:
Hello! It's Emmy with your review :)

I love the little details you use in the flash back in the beginning. You point out little things that I, as a writer, would never have thought to include! So that was very well done.

One sentence stuck out to me: 'I was the girl Charlotte, Charlotte Malkin.' That sentence seemed a little awkward. I know you switched tenses but maybe just have your main character introduce herself?

I LOVED your description of the Ravenclaw house, too funny :) 'Slytherclaws!' haha.

Your characterization of Peter is among the best I've seen in fanfiction. You nailed him. I loved when you mentioned how Peter was 'overshadowed by larger personalities'. I'd never really thought about it that way but I think it's very true and helps the reader understand his personality better.

I'm still slightly confused about inferius, I remember reading about them but that's about it. I think a bit more background on them and the history of them would be beneficial for readers, like me, who are unfamiliar with them.

I think your OC is very well done. Your characterization on her is consistent and you very successfully wove in small parts of her character that show that she really is part dead.

Overall--well done! Feel free to request again! :)

--Emmy

Author's Response: Hello there!

I'm glad you like the flashback bit, as not many people do. I'm a sucker for dream sequences, pensieves, all that nonsense. And sorry if that didn't make much sense. Some of my sentences turn out a bit jumbled sometimes.

I always think that about the Ravenclaws! I just think that they are probably the most cunning house overall. I mean, some Slytherins are too dumb to be cunning according to JK. :)

I was so happy that I used him in the first scene with Charlotte and a marauder. I think Peter is the kind of kid that everyone kind of thought was weird, but he had that best friend that everyone liked. I actually, in this story, base him off of a person I know and used to be good friends with. He didn't betray and kill my family or anything, don't worry.

I have a good way to go more into the inferius that will be constant through the story. Ghoul studies! Oh JK and your obscure school subjects.

I'm glad you like her so far. She will definitely continue to show that side of her.

Thank you so much for this lovely review and for taking your time with this. Good luck on your quest to finish everything tonight!

blackballet


 Report Review

Review #11, by naflower05 Russian Roulette

1st September 2013:
interesting chapters so far!! I wonder why alec hit the bludger at her! update again soon please!! =]

Author's Response: You will see something that will probably make you mad in the next chapter. Just a warning! But then, there's something that will probably make you really happy. Sorry for my cpyticness and thanks for the review!

 Report Review

Review #12, by BLONDEbehaviour No Thanks Necessary. Really.

1st September 2013:
Hello!! Ahh Such a dolt, i can't believe my first review didn't go through! Let's try this time!

Poor poor Char!! All she wanted was peace and quiet and non one would leave her alone! I know how that can be like, living with over 200 people in a hall really makes it hard to get time and peace to yourself, so i can definitely relate to her. I do really hope that we see her friendship with Lilly fix over time! I think their friendship could really be something great over time, and hopefully we will see it in the rest of the story. Fingers crossed!

I found it amusing how Char was going on about how noting Emma's 'andrew go-around' was purely categorical and there was no other reason behind it. It may not be that she is attracted to andrew, but she is a teenager! I'm sure it irked her a bit to have that shoved in her face!

I liked how you split it between Sirius and Char, and liked even more that you have incorporated Regulus into the chapter! Not a lot of stories including a young Sirius do, and i think he is such a n important character in regarding as to how Sirius grew up to become the man he did. So definite kudos for that one! Before you write Regulus in, i do like how Sirius was posting flyers in well-known broom cupboards, that made me giggle!!

I liked the encounter with the Carrows, exactly how i expected them to be at school, and i liked that when Char did 'save' Sirius, he at least had the decency to thank her, in his own, odd way. Maybe some truce appearing between them? who knows?

A few grammatical spots i saw- the first sentence, " I almost finished my Transfiguration homework, which I had really wanted to get done so I wouldn't have to worry about it tonight." Maybe bolden or italicize that almost? As i can tell that t is important but it took me a few reads to realize that! Also there is a sentence where Char is focused on Emma and Andrew that says Vice-verse. Is it supposed to be Vice Versa? The last thing i saw is this ""I'll tell mum about the girl, Sirius." What girl? "Let's just go," I realized after i read further that it was Regulus (at least think it is!?!) but i did not realize it when i read it, so maybe putting who is speaking may be easier!!

I really hope this has helped. I'm sorry if i seem a bit nit-picky today! It was a great chapter, and please feel free to re-request once more! In regards to that, i have put this story in my currently reading list and have updated where i read to, so if you do decide to re-request just put in the name and the link and i'll go ahead and do it! I like this new layout!

Hopefully i have covered everything from the last review that some reason didn't load. Here's hoping!!

Blondie

Author's Response: Sorry you had to re-review this! I hate when that happens to me. Anyway, it is still an awesome review!

Oh no, poor Lily is what you're going to be saying soon. That's all I have to say on the matter. I don't want to spoil anything for you!

Yes, Charlotte spends an awful lot of time categorizing things and analyzing things. It almost seems like she is trying to convince herself of something. Charlotte has got a bit of a messed up mind.

Yay! I loved writing that scene, because I want to showcase Regulus as well. I'm mad I haven't put him in my other novel too much. And yes, Sirius knows all about broom cupboards.

I hate the Carrows and I love making them evil, simply put. And yes, it would appear that way. I'm such a tease, aren't I?

Thanks for your crit, and yes it was Regulus saying that. I'll fix that part to make it a bit easier to understand.

This definitely helped loads, and I'm glad to see where your mind is taking you with the story. It really helps me in planning it. It's not harsh at all! Your reviews are awesome. And that's great, I'll definitely re-request soon if not right now. I don't want to overwhelm you but it's so tempting.

Thanks again!
blackballet


 Report Review

Review #13, by BLONDEbehaviour Eavesdropping and Bygones

30th August 2013:
Hello hello!!

Another great chapter, i really do enjoy your story! I'm interested in seeing that Charlotte is a beater! I wasn't expecting that! Maybe a chaser or at the very least a seeker, but not a beater! Nice twist, i bet a game she plays against Gryffindor is going to be interest!!

It is neat to see in the plot that Char does get kinda guy interest, or at the very least, sexual tension. Its a cool way to show that she is still human when it comes to some emotions, and i think having her somewhat relateable in that sense is important, I also like how you have put a backstory to her and andrew, as i'm sure that will also have implications later on!

There is not much at all that i can say about this chapter improvement-wise! Maybe try and incorporate that second James part in, as i was a bit confused as to it being him talking still. Though i don't know how you'd be able to do that.. maybe "three hours later' or something! Also, as much as i love the drunken Maruader part, maybe coax it in with a little something to do with Char and the plot, because even though i love it, it just seems a tad out... does that make sense? Hopefully!

Keep the re-requests coming, i really am thoroughly enjoying this story!!

Blondie

Author's Response: Thank you for getting to this so fast

I'm glad you liked that part! I didn't really try and put too much emphasis on the relationships because Charlotte doesn't really have feelings for him (or anyone for that matter). The backstory plays a little bit into Andrew's lack of trust for her, though.

I try and switch POV's only once through every chapter, twice if I really need it. I switch POV's when it says [name here] POV and I switch time frames when I have a line break in between. I'll try and make that a bit less confusing!

Yes, maybe I'll add in a bit about Charlotte. I didn't want everything to revolve around Charlotte and Sirius' relationship.

Thank you for your review, though. I'm definitely going to re-request!


 Report Review

Review #14, by BLONDEbehaviour The Benign Probability

29th August 2013:
Hello hello!

Ah yay, another awesome chapter!! And Charlotte finally got a bit of revenge on Sirius by kicking his chair over! I secretly giggled in glee at this!!

But typical Sirius, had to prank her again! I definitely agree with Remus, Sirius is impossible! Can't wait to see what happens next with him and Char.

I couldn't see much at all that could use improving in this chapter.. "almost always extremely stimulating" maybe having all three of those are a bit too much. I get what you are trying to do, but it just feels a little bit overwhelming. Maybe have a play around with words and see what you can come up with :)
Also, i think you may have jumped ahead just a pinch at the start with the dorm girls. Maybe introduce that Charlotte was talking about the dorm girls first, before starting with Rita? I was just a bit confused for a second there! :P

All in all though, yet another chapter i thoroughly enjoyed reading! You write them so well! As usual, re-request away!! I get excited when i see you have :)

Blondie

Author's Response: I'm glad you enjoyed it! Charlotte was really out of character in doing that, but I knew she would have to get some sort of revenge to appease you guys! And oh Sirius, you're such a little meanie. I wanted to kick him when writing that scene.

I definitely see what you mean with the jumbled words so I'll fix that. I think I'll fix it to have Charlotte overhearing them chatting. She doesn't really like them, as you know. Thanks for the idea!

I'll go re-request right now. Thanks so much!



 Report Review

Review #15, by BLONDEbehaviour Investigations

28th August 2013:
Back again with your requested review!!

Another great chapter! I found it a good idea that we started off in Sirius' p.o.v because it gave us that real understanding of how angry he was over the whole situation. In saying that, when Remus tells him to drop it it and he does, just in my opinion, it may not have been very Sirius-like. I thought he would've at least been a bit huffy and sulked over the situation, almost in a 'my-friends-don't-care-that-my-ego's-hurting' kind of way. but hey, maybe Remus just has a lot of power over Sirius!

I'm loving the notebook, that's a very cool touch!! I'm secretly hoping that it makes a reappearance later on in chapters and becomes a bit dramatic, like it gets in the wrong hands or something like that. Bit of drama :P

I think the representation that you portrayed of the Ravenclaw students is really great. We do know that at times they can be extremely standoffish and competitive, so for such a smart character as Charlotte, i think them kinda of hating on her and such works well.

I love the prank, how very marauder-y!! I'm sure we'll be seeing some retaliation from Charlotte in the following chapters!

Something i wasn't entirely sure on and I'm still not now, is whether Dumbledore was headmaster of Hogwarts at that era. I honestly wouldn't have a clue if they are or not, i mean you may have it right, but just thought i'd point something out that i'm not sure of :)

Grammar was good! Just a couple of spelling mistakes 'starnge' and 'ourr' roundabout when Dumbledore rises to speak at the opening feast, but apart from that not anything else i could see :)

Yet another great chapter! I don't know if you can re-request for chapter 3, but i'd like you to :)

please respond to this review :)

Blondie

Author's Response: Yay! You're back!

Okay, first off, I knew people would say that but I thought the prank in the beginning of the feast would pay for it. That's why I made him give up so easily! :)

I always thought that about Ravneclaws. It seems they're very nice, but how do you think they got that smart? Not by letting everyone walk over them. And Charlotte is very much a different Ravenclaw as you have seen a bit from this chapter.

You will be seeing a different kind of retaliation. One of her own brand.

Yes, Dumbledore is the Headmaster in the era! I think JK has some references to that in the books somewhere.

Thanks for pointing those out. I'll go back and edit when I can.

I'll re-request when there is a spot open, don't worry! I'll look forward to hearing from you soon.


 Report Review

Review #16, by Jess Russian Roulette

27th August 2013:
AHHH I NEED AN UPDATE A

Author's Response: I swear it's coming soon! I just have some other stuff that needs to be validated first. I'm glad you're so excited!

 Report Review

Review #17, by BLONDEbehaviour Hide & Seek

27th August 2013:
BLONDEbehaviour here with your requested review!

First off, what a cool character for a story! A character being half Inferi will definitely make a story stand out! Charlotte seems to have quite an attitude to her, which of course with what she has been through would only be expected.

I liked also the first person perspective. I think with the situation and character it is effective so the readers have a clear idea in regards to how and what Charlotte will do and act which I'm sure will be more useful in later chapters.

Characterization of the Marauders is good!
Peter and Remus sounded like exactly as expected, however with James I thought that he may have had more of a say in defense of Sirius, but that;s just my opinion :) Sirius was harsh but was justified in this situation, she was being a bit mean and we all know his familys a sore spot for him!

A few grammar spots- when speaking about her mothers death, perhaps in there you could explain her birth ? Because she speaks about how her mother dies, but we don't actually have any idea about where in this situation Charlotte is born. Maybe just an idea so we can get a visual timeline. There's just a few words in the first two or so paragraphs that could use fixing up, "The first little one joined a group of three or four other kids." Maybe just put either three or four?

In regards to all of that though, a great start to the story! Lays down a good path, I will look for a re-request!!

Please respond to review, thanks!!

Blondie

Author's Response: Yay, I'm glad you liked my character and her perspective. You will see a lot more when I keep requesting from you, because I definitely will.

Thank you, and I think you're right in respect to James. I might change that scene up a bit to include him more. And Sirius is very pissed off as you will see later.

I'll try and write that in a bit more. It's just difficult because no one really has any idea of what actually happened and how it happened. And thanks for pointing it out, I'll fix it to be less confusing.

Thanks so much for getting to this so quickly, and I will definitely re-request.


 Report Review

Review #18, by Pottergirl7 Hide & Seek

21st August 2013:
Hey Pottergirl7 here with your requested review!
Right well, shall we start off with a little constructive criticism? Granted I couldn't actually find much. Well I would suggest that you go over this (I think its mostly at the beginning) and just sort out the massive spacing gaps because it does ruin the flow a little. Also if you want my canon opinion then I don't think Lily would have been playing a quidditch game in the park before she found out that she was a witch. Nor do I think she would have found out so young, its usually on one's eleventh birthday I believe? Canon aside I really liked the first scene in the park with the quidditch game. I also liked the way that you didn't immediately name the girls so really it could have been anyone.
On a slightly more positive note, I really liked Charlotte's characterization. She sounds like a slightly snarky, cynical, smart Ravenclaw, my kinda gal! But I absolutely adored your description/characterization of the Marauders, especially Peter! My favourite bit was when you said "He was suddenly overshadowed by the larger personalities in the compartment, and his voice seemed stuck in his throat." I thought that was really great because that is exactly what I feel Peter would be like.
I think the general flow was very good and your dialect is great, I especially loved the kind of mean-ish banter at the end between Charlotte and Sirius.
My only question is about the alchemy and ghoul studies, is it on the timetable for everyone or just Charlotte? Because she said her dad didn't like her thinking about her non-human side and I don't think there are many other half-dead students at Hogwarts so is it just for her? I like the thought of having alchemy on the timetable as a lesson, I think it would be very interesting.
Also I just wanted to let you know that I've actually read this story before and I've really enjoyed it so far! Anyway, that's it so I hope I helped somewhere. Feel free to request another chapter on my thread!
~Jess
(I apologize for any mistakes I'm on my phone at the moment.)

Author's Response: Thanks! And, it's not actually a Quidditch game! Did it come off that way? I didn't think it sounded like that. Although, I will fix the part that says she finds out then.

I'm so glad! She will become much more distinctive in the up and coming chapters, and you will definitely see a more interesting and deeper side to her. I loved using Peter in such an iconic first scene where they meet. I feel like Peter is too brushed aside too many times. I've even done it myself! I'm glad you liked him as well.

Well, anyone can take it, as you will see in I think the fourth chapter. It's just that not many people take Ghoul studies because it's pretty boring unless you love ghouls! Same with Alchemy, basically.

You've read my story before? That's really nice to hear! Thanks for your crit at the beginning, and your wonderful compliments throughout.

Can't wait to request again!


 Report Review

Review #19, by AlexFan An Assumption, An Inference, And A Debt

13th August 2013:
First things first, this is my favourite part of this entire story:

"Maybe I judged the group known as 'adolescent girls' too quickly. I always thought that the usual girl was vapid, easily swayed and melodramatic. However, I have more recently realized that not every girl cared about their appearance as much as society would like us to think. For example, myself, Lily, Alice, etc. Society has implanted the idea that all teenage girls love to look at themselves, love to be thin, love to feel popular and loved. This was pure propaganda. In all truth, we weren't programmed to care what other people thought, or our impressions on other people. We were made to survive and reproduce, and it some how got twisted into everyone's mind that perfect was the goal of the lifetime. The idea's of troubled souls and deformed minds were eventually glorified to be something that was almost bad, but somehow beautiful and graceful. "

I also love how Charlotte knows that eventually she'll fall for Sirius but she isn't rushing to get to that day and she doesn't care that he might possibly be attracted to her. Her reaction to being told that Sirius must really like her is a bit different than usual. Usually the main character will deny everything within an inch of her life but Charlotte just goes along with it and denies it occasionally when she can take her mind off of the hand at task.

I've never really pegged Lily as one of those girls who wants to go to parties and be social because she's never been portrayed that way. it's nice though, I get to see a different version of Lily, one that's much more relaxed and easygoing and more teenagery than usual.

Anyway, I enjoyed the chapter!

Author's Response: I'm glad you liked that part! Charlotte often has long, rambling monologues that no one hears, but they make sense to her. She doesn't really care that Sirius and her will eventually get together, because she's seen what happens with other girls and him. This is why I love writing her!

I think Lily is more wanting to help Charlotte get out and meet some people, but I did make her a bit more fun-loving in this. I think if she was too focused on studies like Charlotte, everyone would get annoyed with these two very quickly.

Thanks for your once again great review!


 Report Review

Review #20, by AlexFan No Thanks Necessary. Really.

13th August 2013:
At first I was a little scared because your paragraphs were so long but that went away once I started reading.

I'm really glad that you're focusing on the studying part of Hogwarts, it's a part of fanfiction that people seem to forget and push to the back, the social drama is usually focused on more. I like that you brought in some schoolwork in there.

I loved Regulus, you very clearly showed that he was the favourite child in the Black household by the way that he smirked and said that there didn't have to be an actual girl in order for Sirius to get in trouble.

Interesting chapter and I had fun reading it!

Author's Response: I always try and put in some school, because even though I'm a drama maniac, I have to remember that they are at school.

Yes, I like him and hate him at the same time. He's perfectly alright making empty threats, but when someone pulls out a wand, he just wants everyone to forgive and forget. I think the reason he wasn't put into another house was because he saw how Sirius was treated after he got sorted into Gryffindor.

Thanks for you review!


 Report Review

Review #21, by naflower05 Heat is Relative

12th August 2013:
good story so far! it's pretty interesting! I can't wait to see where it's going to go, update again soon please! =] ~

Author's Response: I have a chapter in the queue right now! Hope to see you back soon!

 Report Review

Review #22, by AlexFan Eavesdropping and Bygones

12th August 2013:
IM BACK! You're probably groaning, I know.

Anyway, I liked this, your version of Quidditch tryouts is different from the usual way that it's written and I liked it. They usually consist of the same thing so something different was nice.

I liked that you showed the play by play action of it, the Quidditch tryouts was the biggest thing for me though, I found it the most interesting and entertaining to read. Anyway, not a bad chapter!

Author's Response: No I love you! In the least creepiest way possible, I swear.

I didn't want this to be a replica of Harry's tryouts, because I think all captains would have different methods. It is their team after all. I'm glad you liked it!


 Report Review

Review #23, by Mnemosyne_Morrigan Eavesdropping and Bygones

11th August 2013:
So this time I'm going to be more harsh.

First of all, be careful! As much as Charlotte is an interesting, unique character, there are more and more points making her a Mary Sue.

Being a seventh year does not guarant you a spot on the team. I would even say it reduces the chances - a 7th year will be on the team for only a year now, so it wouldn't be good for the team. A good team is in sync, it needs continuation, not changing positions every year. Charlotte could back up a little and serve as a mentor for the new beater. Moreover, 7th year means NEWTs and that does mean she will need more time to focus on studying than on quidditch. Charlotte may be in Ravenclaw and she may be brilliant, but it doesn't mean she shouldn't spend time styduing for NEWTs. Charlotte being so sure of herself and making her so great at quidditch is kind of "mary-sue-ing".

I would suggest changing the first tab a bit, becuase it sounds like she's on the trayouts, not already on the team.

Ah, James POV for the first time, right? What's suprising, his point of view says more about Sirius or Remus than about James himself. And through James's eyes, sirius seems funnier and more playful.

I'm a little disturbed with your overall portrayal of Marauders. I understand that's your aim to build a darker atmosphere and your characters more "damaged", but for me it's excessive. For sure they did drink, I'm not saying they didn't, but this portrayal is more accurate for nowadays youth than in 70's. You describe them as brazen, vulgar and reckless. On some parts they probably were that way, but let's not forget it was their 7th year, which means the war was closing in, the atmosphere was different. By now they would have more serious issues on their mind, more fear, than just drinking and having a blast. It's your vision and I respect that, just wanted you to know of my opinion.

- Mnemosyne

Author's Response: Oh no! I can't believe she's coming across that way. I don't know where I said it, but she's actually not that amazing at Quidditch at all. I mean, she's a fair player, but as I said, Emma is the start player. She's not secure in her position at all really, and that's what this chapter was about. I'll work on making it more clear that she's already on the team!

I think that James isn't completely self-centered, and cares more about his friends than himself. If anything, Charlotte is the most self-centered of all the characters.

I think it's hard for them to focus completely on the war, especially during school after they've just done such childish things (ex. pranking, spying on quidditch practices). I don't make them drink to make them more damaged, but to show the relationship between the four of them. Remus, clearly not wanting a part in any of it, Peter, who's a tad clumsy, Sirius and James, who are kind of in their own little world.

Thanks for your opinion, and wonderful in-depth review as always!


 Report Review

Review #24, by ginerva_molly_weasley Hide & Seek

10th August 2013:
Hello there. I'm here from the forums with your requested review on this chapter. I do try to review as I go along so please forgive if things do seem a little bit listy!

The beginning is very interesting and the italics is used very well to show that it is a flashback to Charlotte's childhood. Your description of a very mundane childhood event works really well interweaving her personality right from the beginning but in the flashback too helps us to really connect with her as we see her competitiveness but also her desire to have fun. I also love the fact that you included her magic in here in front of the muggles. It worked well because we all know that Harry made his hair grow back as he hated it so doing it here with her competitiveness and making her win is both interesting and canon!

One thing I did notice though was you used rather a lot of lines rather than a line break which would have been more effective as it looks more professional with the line break where as the mass of lines is off putting and does look like bad formatting.

The idea of Charlotte's mother being inferi when she had her is again very interesting. I also love that you gave Charlotte magical ability although her mother was a squib and her father is a muggle as she obviously had magical blood and ignoring it would have made it a lot less believable in my opinion. I love that you also made the story of Charlotte's mother's death more and more believable as of course Voldemort would have wanted to get rid of the squibs. Oh the fact that Voldemort can control part of her is again curious as how would that work at Hogwarts when people would be trying to escape Voldemort's clutches. The people would be running and laughing so I can't wait to see what else this brings.

The traits you've given her are building up and you're bringing a very extensive character into this already so I do hope you don't contradict this further on as it is very easy to do. I wonder how the whole not eating or drinking works at Hogwarts then particularly as she is trying to fit in.

Her interaction with her father seems natural but yet in a forced way. The conversation is one which you would expect a father and daughter to have but it would have been done at the beginning of the holidays and not at the end so the timing seems a little off for me.

Is the Lily you're talking about Lily Evans? I would like to know more as that could be an interesting but complex relationship to explore as things go on especially with part of her being able to be controlled by Voldemort.

The cynicism she has works well particularly as what she's saying is true. Who would want to hire a dead girl? But the relationship she has with her father is completely natural as he doesn't want her to worry too much and wants her to know that its not the end of the world if that doesn't happen. Every parents wants to build up their childs self esteem.

Her sadness also makes me really sad as it's awful to think of people not having friends but I lose that as she thinks she's better than everyone else. I like though that you use the different cliques as most people tend to present houses as a kind of 'unit' but they aren't as everyone has their own different personalities.

I want to know why she screamed her head off! Who is it? I want to know more!

Oh right Peter Pettigrew is interesting. And the smirk he has makes me so mad. I think its my preconceived thoughts on him after knowing what he did to the Marauder's afterwards that it makes me angry when he uses the Marauder's name.

Now I understand why Peter is on his own in the deserted compartment. They needed somewhere to lay low after they caused a commotion! The marauders are very clever. You have to give them that though everyone would have known they would have caused it.

Oh Sirius is far too know it all for me. The fact he looks down on the Ravenclaws. Tut tut tut. I love him but my goodness is he conceited. And so rude! Calling her boring. Though I can tell i'm going to like him throughout this story!

Charlotte is a little below the belt here mentioning his parents as it would have been known he rebelled against them however with Remus asking her to leave that is also very uncalled for as Charlotte was there first!

The topic about Charlotte's parents throws me as in a way I think Sirius does already know about Charlotte's parents otherwise he wouldn't have asked. He is clever enough to know when to stop and when to continue and I think you show that well here.

Charlotte lies well yet she does need to here otherwise her secret would be revealed but continuing back on to Sirius's parents seems to be far too interesting to leave.

Sirius is far too angry for me here. It doesn't fit with his canon at all being very angry with the world. The comment doesnt seem at all like Sirius as no-one has died for him either so that is something which I would change, just to soften out the edges. Charlotte seems to fight back very well though with her own case. The sarcasm works.

The end part is excellent as it shows her insecurities and summarises her qualities which you've shown her to have throughout this. The end of the chapter works very well with the short and snappy sentences.

Sorry this has ended so long and rambly.

Feel free to rerequest.
10/10

GinevraMollyPotter

Author's Response: Thank you so much! This is such a long review. I'm glad you liked the beginning, as I love flashbacks. I mostly use them to show change in personality from past to present, which is very evident in Charlotte. And sorry, I thought I used a line break, but maybe I missed it!

The Lily I'm talking about is (SPOILER) Lily Evans, as you will see in the next chapter. Oh gosh, I can't wait to start playing with her and Voldemort's strange relationship. You will see her change an awful lot under his influence. She continues the condescending, cold demeanor throughout the story, don't worry. It becomes even stronger as she gets to Hogwarts if anything.

And yes, Peter. At first, I was going to go for Sirius as the obvious choice, but he wouldn't be the one sitting in an empty compartment, now would he?

He is pretty immature when he meets someone new, and I put that all on his evil little family. Plus, Charlotte isn't all that polite.

I hate Charlotte so much at that moment, but it sets up her character very well. She does not care about anyone, really. It's hard for her to love or care because she's somewhat attached to Voldemort.

I made him ask about her parents, because I wanted to show the difference between him and Charlotte. I wanted to show that they both can be irrational, and crude, but I wanted to show that Sirius does already know (in his heart, somehow) that her mother is dead. I know it's not obvious, but it will be later.

I guess that was a tad out of character, and I'm glad you mentioned it. I will fix that because it stuck out to you so much.

Thank you so much for all of this! It's great to read and see you're so invested in it. You're a great reviewer and I will definitely re-request.


 Report Review

Review #25, by Mnemosyne_Morrigan The Benign Probability

10th August 2013:
Hello :) It's Mnemosyne with your requested review.

Reading about known characters in their early, teenage life is always interesting. I never really imagined Rita Skeeter in Hogwarts. I know this story is focused on Charlotte, but those little notes on Rita, or Emmeline made my hungry for more. I feel you could pay them more attention. As it's a POV maybe at least some more, deeper opinions about them. It would diversify and enrich the story.

At first I was going to say that Charlotte is acting childish in her ways of dealing with Sirius. But then I realised - she is different, but she's still a teenager. She may be cold, dark and complicated, but after all she is a teenager and sometimes she will be acting childish. Especially with Sirius acting the same. And Sirius is annoying. I don't know if it's your aim, but it turns out he wasn't only a popular sarcastic prankster, but he was a nasty and spiteful. He may think of his actions as a joke, but it's not that funny anymore. Maybe you did it unintentional, maybe you did it on purpose - but you gave Sirius a specific vibe that screams "Black!" We all know Sirius always said he does not want anything to do with his family and he tries not to be like them, yet it seems he has a lot of "black" traits...

I like the calculated side of Charlotte. There aren't many cold and logical characters in fanfiction. Yes, they are smart, but Charlotte has a specific way of analyzing the world. so the last part of the chapter was in my opinion the strongest part of this chapter.

The POV's are too short for my liking. Having three perspectives in one chapter is a little confusing - I'm getting into Charlotte's head and than suddenly it's Sirius, but not for long, because it's once againe Charlotte. It seems rushed.

- Mnemosyne

Author's Response: I would definitely be open to that! They will come in the story in more little parts, and you'll see more of them in here.

I really do think that Sirius is more like his family than he wants to be, and yes, that was intentional. I think he's incredibly brave, and kind and loyal, but he is a Black, and those thoughts instilled into him at a young age don't simply vanish. I don't think he is truly Gryffindor (in the sense that JK Rowling wanted) until he goes through the First War.

Yes, Charlotte. Oh, my favorite OC I've ever written. I think that's what makes her interesting. Her calculations and her analytic nature.

I'll probably begin making the chapters one POV throughout the whole thing, because others have said that as well.

Thanks for your review!


 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login

<Previous Page  Jump:     Next Page>