Reading Reviews for Dying in Consortium
  
14 Reviews Found

Review #1, by SilentConfession Dying in Consortium

10th December 2013:
Hi, so, i'm really sorry how late this review is. I took a bit of a long break with requested reviews and i'm only now trying to get myself back into it. So, i'm really sorry for the long wait!

Right, first off, i love that you've chosen Marlene. Minor characters are absolutely fabulous to work with and I love how you've explored such a poignant moment in her life. You've made her come alive as she seems really emotionally distraught at the moment. I like how this captures how the war has completely taken away everything that she knew about herself. Her hope is gone, her desire for something better has been ripped away and it seems like all she sees is darkness. You've explored that theme really well as I feel like there is a lot of lovely imagery here that really hooks the reader into her emotional state. I love stories like this. The first couple paragraphs were you strongest in this, imagery wise. You could really just feel her and see this bleakness that she's facing. How could anything ever get better when so much is going wrong?

I also liked the contrast of that Marlene to the one in Hogwarts. It really helped us see how much was taken from her and how much she was forced to change. It really brought the story home for me because it makes you realize that everything in her life had been altered.

You asked about length and I think that this specific one-shot could have been longer. I have a few unanswered questions and although sometimes having unanswered questions can be really good, i felt like the unanswered questions i had made this piece seem unfinished. For example, there was a little blurb about Regulus. I felt like if you explored that a little more it could tie things up more, why did he confide in her? What did he confide in her? How had she lost her courage to tell anyone he was betraying Voldemort? There was also a little bit of confusion for me when you were talking of Regulus' death. It almost seemed like you were talking of Sirius' death at the Department of Mysteries? Anyway, that bit could use some cleaning up as Marlene would have been dead well before Sirius died.

Grammatically too this could use some work. The first couple sentence had some comma issues, and that was scattered throughout the piece as well. Your piece is quite poetic and I think that if some of the grammar bits were fixed you'd have a really strong and beautiful piece of work. It already is quite good, but another look over would help with the flow.

I do like this moment you've chosen. I'm curious about Marlene, why she's in Grimmauld place with Remus and how she's lost so much. This makes me invested in her character and I think overall you've done a nice job at taking her on and defining her a little bit. Good job! Hope this review helped!

Author's Response: Sorry for responding to this so late. I'm working on catching up on all my hpff this February break! Thanks so much for your input, and I'm glad you like the basis of the story.

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Review #2, by patronus_charm Dying in Consortium

22nd August 2013:
Hello there, I'm here with your requested review!

Ok the first thing I noticed was the big chunks of writing and the large gaps in between. I am aware that I'm a bit of a spacing freak, but I think that with smaller paragraphs and equal spacing it will make it nicer on the eye and people will like your story more. It may sound strange, but I did it to my own and it really helped!

I thought the first paragraph was a great introduction to the story. It had some nice description in it and got a sense of Marlene's voice. I just felt that it contained so much detail it might be better if you split it up, as it would allow the reader to absorb it more.

I noticed one typo in it too, 'He used to have this affect on everyone,' it should be effect not affect. :)

I really liked Marlene's monologue style though with the fragmented, short sentences. I really felt that I got a sense of her train of thought and it matched the mood as it gave it a disjointed feel to it.

Here, 'I hated how they were treating me, lately.' I would take the comma out so it flowed better :)

In the third paragraph, there were a few issues with tenses. You kept on switching from past to present and continued to do so throughout the one-shot. I would suggest reviewing it and seeing which one you would prefer to stick in.

I would have also like to see more of Marlene's inner turmoil about why she hadn't told the Order about Regulus. Was it due to him being a Death Eater? Was it because of Sirius? I felt that would have been a great thing to explore more in depth there.

In the second to last paragraph I got more of a feel of that, and that was really great. I liked learning more about the light hearted person she had been, because I could then compare to pre-Order and now. I also found her the most relatable in that section, probably because she was focusing on herself as well as outside events.

I really like the last section, as I finally got a sense of her and Sirius' relationship. The language and description you used in this one was really great as it gave a nice sense of conclusion to the story. The only thing I wish is that included more of these hints throughout and then it would have been great!

In regards to your CCs, I think if you just went into more detail and explained the backstory a little more it would become more understandable. Other than that, I really enjoyed it!

-Kiana

Author's Response: Thanks for your review! I get so annoyed with this spacing issue I seem to have. I'll fix that, thanks for pointing it out.

I always thought Marlene was a bit of a scatter-brain for some reason. I always pictured her as very intelligent but her mind is just always a mess.

I might take the part with Regulus out instead of embellishing it. I'm not so sure it belongs here. Maybe I'll write another Regulus/Marlene one-shot. Who knows.

I'm glad you like when she spoke about herself. I was almost afraid to put Sirius/OC as a pairing, because it really is just a reflection of Marlene on to herself.

I think I should make it more clear that this isn't completely based around their relationship even if she is speaking about him throughout the whole one shot. It is just her thoughts on her own growth as a person.

Other than the helpful tips you've given, I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thank you for your review!


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Review #3, by randomwriter Dying in Consortium

17th August 2013:
Hi there! Here from review tag :)

I'd seen that this challenge found mention when HeyMrsPotter had declared the winners for The Casual Vacancy Challenge, and I had decided that I needed to give this a read.

I really like the style you've employed here. It's very engaging. I also like the language you've used. You've managed to describe her emotions perfectly.
I love that you used Marlene. Someone who is often used as a minor character. You've given her a touching back story, and used your quote to perfection. I really liked this story, and I conveys a lot of sentimentality and emotions you've managed to pack in a quick and enjoyable read.
Loved it :)

P.S- I'm signed out, sorry.

Author's Response: Thank you so much! It was a great joy to write as well. I love writing minor and original characters because there is so much freedom.

Thanks for your lovely review!


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Review #4, by 800 words of heaven Dying in Consortium

13th August 2013:
REVIEW TAG!

Oh, this was such a lovely surprise! I read nothing but the title and the fact that it was for a challenge before I clicked, so I really didn't know what to expect.

This is going to sound really weird, but what struck me instantly was the way you used your tenses. I liked the way that you used the present tense only a couple of times and to great effect. I have a lot of trouble with tenses, so that's why I noticed it.

Another thing that I suck at and really appreciated in this piece was your description. You created the scene really well, and for the most of it, I had no idea who was talking, or about whom they were talking (I'm still a little confused - but in a good way) which was great, I think. It's something that's really difficult to do in so few words, and I commend you.

Like I said before - amazing. Write on!

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm so glad so many people are responding so well to this one-shot. I love to make my characters reminisce, and then bring them back to reality for just a second. I guess I've just always written like that.

I'm so glad you reviewed, and so elated with your response.

Thank you so much!


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Review #5, by adluvshp Dying in Consortium

12th August 2013:
Hey! Here for review tag.

This was surely a very unique read. I liked how you've coupled Marlene and Sirius, it seems fitting. The concept of her believing him to not love her was also very nicely portrayed.

I enjoyed your descriptions immensely. Though it was short, it conveyed a lot, which is awesome. I could connect with the story on an emotional level in such a short read so great job. The words really flowed very well.

I liked the ending sentence too, it was heartbreaking and touching and yet fitting for the story. Though the one-shot wasn't canon, it fitted in somehow in my mind which I liked.

All in all, this was a very short and bittersweet read and I liked it. There were a few minor spelling mistakes and such but none that distracted me from the main content.

9/10
Cheers!
AD
(AditiDraco95)

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I feel like I always start my answers like this, but I'm always so thankful. I always thought that Sirius wouldn't be able to commit completely to someone because he's so damaged, so that's why I wrote this.

Thanks for your review, and I'll scour it for the mistakes

blackballet


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Review #6, by Illuminate Dying in Consortium

12th August 2013:
Hi! Ravenclaw Review Tag!

This is a really great oneshot full of emotion. My story The Joker and Her's key theme is grief aswell, and I think you really cut straight into how somebody feels when they lose someone they love; right down to their physical pain. It's very true to life, and you make Marlene feel human, an actual physical being, rather than a character on a page.

You also make it feel like she had a real history and backstory, and a relationship with Sirius that perhaps wasn't reciprocated. It all just adds to the pain, and makes this a very blisteringly good read xD

Great job!

Author's Response: Thank you so much! Your one-shot about Teddy and Victoire is very nice, and has some of the key elements you say mine has.

I think Marlene and Sirius truly did have a pretty serious friendship, but he just didn't return those feelings for her. It's terribly sad!

Thank you for your review


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Review #7, by Josette_Phoenix Dying in Consortium

9th August 2013:
:'( Poor Marlene ... You wrote her so well!! I was right inside her head the whole time, and I was frowning the whole time as well hahaha - especially at the end when she said that Sirius doesn't love her!! Heartbreaking and really well-written - what a great quote to use as well! :)

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I was so excited when I got that quote because I had already started this, truth be told.

Thanks for your review!


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Review #8, by academica Dying in Consortium

9th August 2013:
Hey, I'm here with your requested review!

This was an interesting piece. I liked the idea of Marlene's illusions about Sirius dying with him. This isn't the first time I've read a Sirius/Marlene story, but it was probably the most emotional one I've read, and you chose an interesting moment to focus on in terms of the aftermath of his death.

There were several specific parts I liked in this short piece. The imagery in this line--I had an ache in my chest like no other, the pain crushing, like breaking the same rib repeatedly--was my favorite out of the whole story. I also liked the way you used Marlene's self-consciousness to show how serious things had become since leaving school. Additionally, I liked the line about Marlene knowing that Sirius didn't really love her no matter how he said it to her over the years. That was really poetic.

I know you were concerned a little about flow, monologue readability, and technical issues, and I do think this story would benefit from the expertise of a Quick Beta. You have several places where the phrasing is awkward or there are commas used inappropriately. For example, here:

my own brow crinkling in the same way his own used to

...you really don't need the "owns" in that sentence. It makes the phrasing seem convoluted. I think if you got a beta to look this over critically, you would improve the flow and readability a lot.

As I was reading this, I also found myself with a lot of unanswered questions. Here are a few of them--why would Marlene want herself not to be attached to Sirius, when being around him brought her such joy? Why are she and Remus at Grimmauld Place, considering how well Sirius himself was received there? How does Marlene know what's really going on with Regulus? I just think this is a little on the short side, and you could add more details to fill in some of those holes and really let us get to know your version of Marlene.

Hope you find this review helpful :)

-Amanda

Author's Response: Thank you so much, I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for the tips as well, and I'll probably put up a request for this on the forums. Sometimes I like to make sentences more complicated if they seem too simple. It's an issue.

I'll work on embellishing those points, and thank you again for the review! It was very helpful.


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Review #9, by redraven Dying in Consortium

9th August 2013:
Hey blackballet!

I am absolutely in love with the last paragraph, I must have read it at least five times! You do a great job building to that point, slowly revealing facts and broadening the frame until it hits home at the end. The only bit I had trouble with was the penultimate paragraph. I feel like there just isn't enough context given to the ideas discussed in this paragraph for the reader to get much out of it -- it's just kind of confusing. If you were to add more background to these feelings she has about herself that would be really interesting! Nice work!

Yours truly,
redraven

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm glad you liked it. Yes, I think the ending is kind of rushed as well. Thanks for pointing that out, and I'll fix it soon enough.

I'll be requesting more reviews soon!


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Review #10, by HeyMrsPotter Dying in Consortium

7th August 2013:
Hello, I'm here to review your entry for my challenge :)

This is the first story I've read from Marlene's POV, she's always been a minor character in marauders stories. I love minor characters because we have more freedom as writers to create personalities for them and I like the one you've given Marlene. She's not at all one-dimensional and has real believable flaws. I like that you didn't give away who was speaking straight away too, it kept me interested :)

I liked all of the different comparisons you had too, between her head and heart and her younger and older self, very clever!

I think you did a great job of taking the quote and turning it into this story, you pack a lot into few words which is a talent I've always admired in a writer.

A couple of bits of CC
"He used to have this affect..." Should be effect.
There were a couple misplaced commas, generally before 'and' you don't need commas, it will make your story flow better :)

Other than those really minor details I thought this was beautiful. You really conveyed Marlene's unrequited love for Sirius perfectly, I really felt sorry for her. Thanks for entering the challenge, keep your eyes peeled for the results!

Author's Response: I love minor characters, too, for the same reason. Thank you so much! I always think less is more. I don't like overtly wordy descriptions.

Thanks for your CC as well, and I will definitely be looking out for the results. I'm glad you enjoyed it so much, as this was written for you.


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Review #11, by navyfail Dying in Consortium

4th August 2013:
Hi! I'm from the Ravenclaw Review Battle. This is a very short yet sweet one-shot.

I liked Marlene's character. She was different than I imagined. It was nice to read that back then she wanted flaws. Most people don't. And she is unique in that way. And her love and thoughts on Sirius are a great touch. One thing I love are all the comparisons in this story. How you compare her heart and brain. That they didn't both want to accept the same things but could agree on one thing. And how she compares her old self and her now self is nice.

That last paragraph really brings everything together and creates a great ending. "I loved him. He did not love me." That part made my go aww in sadness. I do think she is quite strong to know that he doesn't love her and yet she keeps moving forward and tries to help in a way by asking his brother for information and all.

All in all, great one-shot.
I enjoyed reading it.
~Sama

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I always imagined Marlene pining desperately after Sirius, but him never being (ironically) serious enough for her. She is very strong, and I think if JK had written the story in the marauder era, she would be a huge role model for girls.

I'm glad you liked it so much, and thank you!


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Review #12, by AlexFan Dying in Consortium

2nd August 2013:
At first I thought this was being told from Nymphadora's point of view but then I realised that it made no sense for it to be her. I liked the air of mystery around this, you kept the reader wondering whose point of view this was being told from.

Just to be clear, this is set after the death of Sirius, right? I wanted to be sure that I got that part right, Sirius has died and Marlene is thinking about him? Regulus would be dead by the time that Sirius died or did I just read this wrong?

Anyway, this was still really good and even though it was short I still enjoyed it.

Author's Response: I do tend to write a lot like that, where you don't know who is speaking.

It is set after his death, but it's an AU before Lily and James' death.I should probably put that in the summary so it makes more sense.

Thank you so much! I tend to write a lot in a little, if you get my meaning.


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Review #13, by maskedmuggle Dying in Consortium

14th July 2013:
Hey!

Wow this was definitely something different and unusual, but also really interesting. I really liked this insight into Marlene McKinnon - she's a character that is rarely written about, and a character that I rarely read. I thought you conveyed her emotions really well - I could feel her struggle and pain. I also liked how you compared the old reliable Marline to who she was now - it further emphasised the change that the horrors of war had brought upon her. Nicely written :)

- Charlotte/maskedmuggle
House Cup 2013

Author's Response: Thank you so much, once more. I actually loved writing Marlene, and I'm happy you liked it as well. I'm so happy all that came across, even though it was rather short. This was really encouraging, and I'm happy to realize I've been improving as a writer.

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Review #14, by MissesWeasley123 Dying in Consortium

13th July 2013:
Hey! Since you reviewed on my story, I will review on yours :)
Your style of writing is so different from the pieces of work I've read on HPFF. I think I quite enjoy it ;) This was my first ^.^ Marlene fanfic eva and it was nice.
Good luck!

Author's Response: Thank you! Your story was so good, and I've never read a suicide story, like you said. I'm happy you really liked it. Good luck to you, too.

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