Reading Reviews for The Twenty Two
18 Reviews Found

Review #1, by UnluckyStar57 Scotch Bonnets, Cakes and Buses

10th October 2013:
Review number four! :D

This was really cute! I really enjoyed the fact that it started out sort of cliche, with a girl falling for a guy that she doesn't even know, and then BAM! She doesn't get the guy she originally wants. She gets someone a lot better.

It all happened a bit quickly, but that's the point of the House Cup challenge! You write what you can, and if it happens to wrap up too quickly, that's just more chagrin for your readers. ;)

I am incredibly happy to know that you're writing a sequel to this. I think it's an idea that needs to be expounded upon. How long will it be? I think that it should definitely be longer than a one-shot. I'm envisioning the finished product as a short story, because it's cool to explore a relationship between two people in a short period of time. But that's really your secret. :)

Your characters were likable and really, who DOESN'T identify with Tibbie every now and then?! I thought that Elbow Patch was quite a jerk, and Henry the Scotch Bonnet was a super cute guy who doesn't really know that he's cute. (That's the best kind.)

This was great! I can't wait for the sequel.


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Review #2, by ephemerals Scotch Bonnets, Cakes and Buses

18th July 2013:
I think we both know teenager-boy-stalking is just sort of my 'thing', so this story just speaks to me. Tibbie is the sweetest character, I swear. She is adorable beyond the realms of adorableness and I love her to bits (which you already know, I'm sure). Henry was also absolutely fantastic, and Elbow Patch Boy can just go stuff it. I have a general aversion to public transport, born from my irrational fear of getting lost - which I do quite a bit - and being kidnapped - because that usually happens to teenage girls who get lost due to the use of public transport, but I might start taking the bus now if it means I can meet a boy like Henry. Fantastic, as always. Your writing ruins me every time, Charlie.

Author's Response: Jenni seriously you are way too nice and lovely and great like how can anyone compete with that??? Ahh I'm glad you like Tibbie (did you know my phone autocorrects Tibbie to TIBBIE because of all of our Skype conversations omg) because if you didn't then yeah idk? But no whenever I'm on a bus I'm on the look out for two things tbh- hot boys and creepy types getting ready to kidnap me. Also sometimes I eat on busses and have to look out for people coming to tell me off, but THAT is not the point I was trying to make.
Anyway the point I'm trying to make with all this semi-meaningless rubbish is WOW WHAT A LOVELY REVIEW THANK YOU SO SO MUCH.

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Review #3, by charlottetrips Scotch Bonnets, Cakes and Buses

16th July 2013:
I'd read this earlier and for some reason never left a review! I wanted to let you know that you had to make me look up "scotch bonnets" because I am no way familiar with them. Is this common in England? Because its not on the other side.

Overall, loved Tibbie. She's not perfect, she's not arrogant and she's self-deprecating. This is something that immediately inures me to someone. I also enjoy the fact that she names people in her head and is a bit of a creeper.

You had me laughing to myself at various parts and I couldn't believe that you had Elbow Patch be such a jerk as I was expecting them to meet and fall in love forever. But you had better things (I mean, a person, a boy, not an object of good lookingness) waiting for her so I was okay then. ;)


Author's Response: Hello! It's funny I actually thought you'd reviewed this- huh, oh well! Thank you so much for the review! Anyway, calling hot people a 'scotch bonnet' isn't common in England I don't think (I've never heard it, anyway!) but they are a reasonably well known thing in their Chilli guise (I don't know why? The English don't exactly do chilli-hot food haha).

Anyway, I'm glad you like Tibbie! I also like her- I mean, I wouldn't want to be her because she's even weirder than I am, but I do like her!

I'm glad you laughed! Elbow Patch wasn't actually originally meant to turn out to be so nasty, but when I finished the first draft I was like 'yeah, nah' and I changed it so Elbow Patch was not so nice, and Henry arrived!

I'm glad you liked the story,
(internet international name high-five, my Charlotte-y friend!)

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Review #4, by Courtney Dark Scotch Bonnets, Cakes and Buses

13th July 2013:
House Cup review thingie! Yay!

I really enjoyed this story! And I loved the way you incorporated travel, too. From what I've read so far, a lot of people seem to be going for the overseas/foreign angle, and I love that you chose a method of travel as simple as bussing - which I absolutely despise, by the way! I think I've had too many bad experiences...

Anyway, I loved your main character! She certainly seemed very, um, quirky, very awkward and very kooky. And I love that we never learned the name of the Ellbow Patch - why is that many hot guys are often not very nice? Sigh.

I liked Henry! I think his conversation with Tibbie was a great way to end this one-shot - and I completely agree with his statement about cake! Fruit cake *shudders*

Nice job!


Author's Response: Hello! Thank you so much for the lovely review! Ugh fruit cake, more like (um) terrible cake. I'm so glad you liked Henry, and you thought that it was good I chose going by bus was a good idea, haha. Thank you so much for the review,

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Review #5, by HollyStone73 Scotch Bonnets, Cakes and Buses

13th July 2013:
This was cute. While I did find myself a little tripped up a few times about crisps and a few other things, I found myself giggling out loud several times. I absolutely love how she knew and justified her stalker behaviors! LOL! Like drawing the back of his head since she wouldn't have been able to draw the front without escaping his attentions. It seemed a pity that he was so mean tempered, but at least she ended up meeting someone instead. All-in-all a very well written and amusing little story. Well done!!

Author's Response: I'm glad you enjoyed this! I think all stalking needs a bit of justifying, but all teenagers need a bit of stalking. I'm sorry you tripped up on the crisps, etc. I was trying to make her voice sound a bit like mine, so I guess I slipped in some words that maybe aren't so common where you are! Thank you so much for the lovely review,

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Review #6, by academica Scotch Bonnets, Cakes and Buses

13th July 2013:
Hi there!

This was really cute. I liked Tibbie's characterization; she was sort of weird and awkward but not in the way that a lot of OCs are where it's just hurled in your face all the time. Her brand of uncool was really relatable, and I felt bad for her immediately getting shot down by her crush! But hey, at least she got a chance to meet someone who was more compatible for her.

Nice work! I think this could be continued after the Cup, as it would make a nice start to a short story.

House Cup 2013

Author's Response: Hello there! WOO, GO RAVENCLAW! okay now we have that out of the way, I'm glad you did like Tibbie's characterisation; I agree that sometimes the sort of 'awkward girl' characterisation is sometimes a cliche, so I'm glad that you think I at least didn't totally fall into that category.

I am actually considering continuing this after the house cup but, er, it will take a bit of a different turn. Anyway, if you do want to read Tibbie she will almost definitely reappear on my author's page at some point so, you know, keep a look out!

thank you so much for the fantastic review,

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Review #7, by ShadowRose Scotch Bonnets, Cakes and Buses

13th July 2013:
Hello there!

This is a really fun story - normally I'm not big on stories that only feature OCs, but this one is tons of fun. Tibbie's very relatable, and I think it's funny that she basically stalked Elbow Patch by riding the bus. Her little observations that she makes throughout the one-shot are great too.

Elbow Patch is definitely a realistic character - I've met people like that before. It's like, "you have such a pretty face, it's a shame you have to ruin it with that nasty personality of yours." I like that even though he proved to be such a annoying person, Tibbie still got a happy ending with Henry.

I like that you included buses as your method of travel - I don't think I've seen anyone else use it! It's such a mundane form of travel that most people pass over it, but there's a whole lot that can happen on one of those things!

Overall, I really enjoyed this one-shot - it was a nice take on the awkward-girl/hot-boy thing, without it being too cliche (oh wow, I just noticed that that's what you wrote in your author's note as well, haha).

-ShadowRose (Taylor)

Author's Response: Oh wow, thank you so much for the lovely review!I'm glad you thought my characters were realistic and not too cliched haha; It was really something I was worried about. I'm so glad you enjoyed my one shot,

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Review #8, by ginerva_molly_weasley Scotch Bonnets, Cakes and Buses

13th July 2013:
Oh dear... Poor Tibbie!

I think everyone knows what its like to be completely rejected by somebody so I have so much sympathy for her in this instance. She had invested rather a lot of time in someone who wouldn't even give her the time of day and I find that really sad! It proves you can never judge a book by its cover no matter how hot they are!

I also like the fact that she was prepared to travel a lot on the bus even though it wasn't something most girls her age would do, particularly not a witch anyway! The whole following some guy just to get them to notice her is pretty standard for teenage girls so the realism in this was lovely!

I love the fact that you had a happy ending for her overall even if the guy she was originally there for was very rude. Henry could be the guy of her dreams and her knight in shining armour after the rejection so I like that she asked him for cake even though she had only just met him where as she'd been following the other guy for a few weeks ( well she did know he didn't catch the bus on Wednesdays!)

Well done!


Author's Response: Hello! I'm so sorry I took so long to reply to your lovely review! It was so nice of you and I'm being /so/ disorganised. Anyhow, thank you so much for taking the time!

I think happy endings are important, even if there is a bit of discord in the middle! Anyway, I thought that it was lovely that you reviewed my story, thank you so much,


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Review #9, by SilentConfession Scotch Bonnets, Cakes and Buses

13th July 2013:

This was an excellent piece. The narration you have for this story is really quite strong and poignant. Your main character, although we never find out who it actually is, has a strong voice and carries the story on really well. I love her observations about life and buses as well. They were dryly observant at times and other times a little outrageous. I like how you named the boys by something that signifies them - elbow patch boy, scotch bonnet etc. Tibbie seems so normal, so lovestruck that it's quite funny actually to see the similarities. Her slightly stalkerish ways just made me laugh and her obsession with drawing the back of his head. Excellent use of her skills I think ;) .

It was also cool to read a completely normal and almost insignificant way to travel. Buses. It made the story unique though and true to life. I don't think people make as good of use of that as they could. It adds a lot of hilarious content to it anyway.

Aww, Henry! Such a sweet guy to come to her rescue like that. I liked how it was just so natural between them as well. His absolutely adorableness and sweeping in when she just experienced rejection as well.

The only thing i could suggest with this is I wish i could have visioned this a little more and got a feel for the place. It started out good because you gave these smell of smoke and mint there but as the story continued I felt like some of the description was lost a little.

Anyway, lovely entry to the HC! Glad I was able to read this!

Author's Response: Hello! Wow, what a fantastic review!! I'm so glad you reviewed because this is lovely and also very good and satisfying and YEAH I'm sorry I took so long to reply because you know this is so nice idk.

I'm glad you liked the narration because, idk, I feel like that's important in this kind of fic? I think really the only way for Tibbie to use her drawing skills was drawing the back of her stalker-crush's head- I mean, why else would a teenage girl /need/ to be good at art?

I really liked buses, even though sometimes they intimidate me a bit haha- it's really interesting watching people on buses because they all behave like they're in these little tiny wee bubbles, when really they're in a large, moving room, haha. Anyway, it makes it a really interesting location to write about.

Ah, I know what you mean about the description! I think I got a bit distracted by the plot; maybe later I'll edit this to put in a bit more description!

Thank you so so much for the fantastic and detailed review, I'm so glad you liked it!! Really this was like the /best/ review!


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Review #10, by Siriuslover177 Scotch Bonnets, Cakes and Buses

12th July 2013:
Wow, this was a very different one-shot, but in a good way!
I really did like the whole naive-girl character, because truly, aren't we all pretty naive at that age?:P
I really liked the ending as well, with her meeting a nice guy, who has amazing taste in cakes if I may say so ;P
Really nice job, very cute little story.


Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review! I'm glad you liked the story :) I agree that Henry has excellent taste in cake! I'm glad you thought my portrayal of Tibbie was good, and again thank you so much!

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Review #11, by Roots in Water Scotch Bonnets, Cakes and Buses

12th July 2013:
Hello there!

I really liked this one-shot. There aren't as many stories about traveling on buses as there should be. For such an unreliable form of transportation, there are plenty of stories to be found on them, because of all the people you're surrounded with. I have quite a few stories myself.

I think that you did a great job with your characterization. Tibbie sounds like the average teenage girl: self-conscious, particularly around those she's nursing a crush on. I'm glad that she got the courage to actually speak with "Elbow Patch Guy", even if it was only to say "hello". It's too bad that he turned out to be mean, but at least it shut down their conversation right off... And allowed her to meet Henry, a much nicer and friendlier boy. As you said, it was a nice change on the old cliche.

Her narration (or, rather, your narration in her voice) was very well done. It definitely fit her age and made her instantly relatable. At several points during the story I just wanted to tap her on the shoulder and say that her eyesight was more important than some guy, that she was probably a lovely human being and she needn't belittle herself so. But that's the sign that you've done your job well as a writer, so congratulations, I guess. :)

I noticed one typo as I was reading, and I thought I'd point it out for when you go back for editing (which it seems you'll do, as per your Author's Note). It was, quite simply, "Muggle transport"; I think it would sound better as "Muggle transportation". But then again that could simply be personal preference. :P

All in all, I think that you did a great job with this one-shot. It was thoroughly enjoyable and it did a great job of exploring an often-unexplored area of travel. Great work! :D

Author's Response: Hello! Thank you for the absolutely awesome review! Like really awesome- full of awe. Idk, it was great. Buses are fantastic for stories, aren't they?

I really tried to show the teenagers of the world through Tibbie. I mean, we don't all get our Elbow Patches, (in fact really 99% of people don't haha). Anyway, I'm glad you thought I'd got away from the cliche!

Ugh, as I was writing about the glasses I was just thinking 'oh dear Tibbie, you're so silly' but I decided that that was the sort of effect I was going for /anyway/. Anyway wow I'm glad you think i've done my job as a writer well because like that means a lot and yeah you've made me REALLY happy!!

I'll certainly go back and edit, so thank you for pointing that out!

Anyway, thank you so much for the fantastic review, it was really a pleasure to receive!

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Review #12, by LilyEPotter Scotch Bonnets, Cakes and Buses

12th July 2013:
Hi! Here for the House Cup review!

This is an interesting story. There seems to be a lot of times when the nicest-looking person ends up being very disappointing. I felt really sorry for Tibbie when Elbow Patch was so rude, especially when he could have just said hello to her. It was a happy ending when the guy she hadn't seen started talking with her.

Great story!

Author's Response: Hello! I'm so glad you liked my story. I think that in life it's true that a lot of times, the nice looking guys aren't nice. Of course, sometimes they are, but like all people they are flawed beings! He was very rude, I had to think a while about how he could be the most rude actually. I'm glad you liked my story and you thought it was a happy ending!

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Review #13, by marauderfan Scotch Bonnets, Cakes and Buses

12th July 2013:
Reviewing for the HC! I really liked this. It's a very muggle story - it really had very little to do with the wizarding world, but I liked that about it. It showed how teenage witches with crushes are no different to teenage muggles!

I adored how awkward she was, and how she stalked him on the bus. What a great description of teenage crushes, haha. I could identify with her a little, especially about how it was nice to be sitting behind Elbow Patch instead of in front. (There was a guy I liked in my youth symphony in high school and he sat behind me, so I always had to turn around to look at him! But I digress.) The thing that got me the most was when she repeatedly drew pictures of the back of his head, haha. This was a really fun read, I loved it! Great job!

Author's Response: Hello! Thank you so much for the lovely review! I think every teenage girl is the same really, whether they can do magic or not- I'm glad it showed through in my story!

I think every girl has that one boy who they stalk a little, haha. Mine was in English class- he always sat conveniently opposite me, which was useful! It must've been very annoying to have to look at him all the time :P

Anyway, thank you for the absolutely /darling/ review!

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Review #14, by MrsJaydeMalfoy Scotch Bonnets, Cakes and Buses

12th July 2013:
This is such a cute little one-shot, dear! I really liked it!

I think your characterization of Tibbie is incredible. Everything she does and says is just spot-on lovesick teenager! From her naming him Elbow Patch because she doesn't know his name, to 'stalking' him by riding the bus every day, and to her "planning their wedding"... it's all SO teenage girl-ish!

I was really glad that Henry showed up, to show her that not all guys are so mean. And that sometimes love shows up when you don't expect it... :P She only had the intention of going after Elbow Patch, but wound up starting something with Henry! So cute! And I just loved the way they bonded over riding buses and cake!

The way Tibbie said that he was 'perfect' because he'd gotten the right answer on the cake question makes me wonder if she'll be stalking him soon. But at the same time, something tells me that might not be necessary! :P I loved that Tibbie took charge in asking him to get some cake, and even MORE that he said yes.

And yes, Elbow Patch is just downright rude and mean! If he really DOES have a girlfriend, he won't have one long with that attitude! :P

Great read, dear!

Author's Response: Hi, lovely!
I'm glad you liked my characterisation like, incredible, omg that's like the nicest thing! I'm glad you thought she was teenage girly and everything!

Ah Henry is my favourite knight in shining armour! I think buses and cake are excellent things to bond over, so I'm glad you liked it too!

I think Elbow Patch is one of those boys who always has a girlfriend for a month or two, and then promptly breaks up with them to go on to the next gullible idiot really. He's so, so not nice!

Anyway my darling, thank you so much for the absolutely a+ review, it was really great to respond to! I hope you have a lovely day ♥

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Review #15, by HeyMrsPotter Scotch Bonnets, Cakes and Buses

12th July 2013:
This was really interesting. I like stories of wizards in the muggle world and a bus journey is very muggle! Personally I would have liked if the main character was one from cannon but that's just my preference. I loved the funny little nickname for her mystery crush and the fact that she spent so long admiring the back of his head (something all girls have done at one point in their lives!) it made her seem like a typical teenage girl. I didn't notice any spelling or grammar problems and it flowed well. Nice job :)

Author's Response: Hello! I'm glad you found my story interesting. I did think about using a canon character but I couldn't really think of anyone suitable, haha. Thank you so much for the review!

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Review #16, by patronus_charm Scotch Bonnets, Cakes and Buses

10th July 2013:
Claws for the Cup! :D

Oh man I loved Tibbie! Iím not even sure why but as soon as I started reading her I was sort of imagining myself and the amount of times Iíve fallen in love with people in public transport and fantasied about my life with them like she did. This is going to sound really cheesy, but I just felt as if I had connection with her, she was just so normal and relatable it truly was lovely.

Elbow Patch Boy was brilliant! Mainly because he turned out to be horrible, and was therefore real. Thatís the thing about the one-shot which works so well, how real and alive it feels. I think another reason why I loved him was due to Tibbieís idealism of him, which even amounted to him being immortalised in drawings which was really great.

The part where Tibbie finally decided to go and stalk follow him home was really heart-breaking, there I was cheering her on and he goes and says he has a girlfriend. Ok I know itís not his fault, but still? I loved the role that Henry played afterwards as the knight in shining armour, it was just so sweet. I really loved Henry, because he seemed so normal too. The way he insulted Elbow Patch Boy was great, and the bit afterwards was adorable.

I really adored this one-shot, it was just so perfect and touching. ♥


Author's Response: Hi! thank you so so much for the review! I think everyone has had a bit of a bus crush to be honest, haha. I'm glad she was relatable for you, I did try! I think the girlfriend thing was meant to be a it nasty- after all, she just said hello. For all he knew, she might have just been planning to ask the quickest way to McDonalds from the bus stop. Idk, haha. Anyway, I'm glad you liked the one-shot!

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Review #17, by AlexFan Scotch Bonnets, Cakes and Buses

9th July 2013:
This was awesome, I absolutely loved this! I think you just about described what every girl is thinking and feeling whenever they see a cute guy (my own best friends lets out an extremely loud squeak when she realises that cute boys are nearby). I love Tibbie! She really is a unique character and she's "quirky" I guess you could say but in a good way. I don't understand how Elbow Patch could possibly be mean to Tibbie.

Henry on the other hand sounds so nice. Way to go Henry, Tibbie, ten points for you, Henry, ten points for you and none for you Elbow Patch. I absolutely loved this!

Author's Response: Hi! Thank you so much! I am the worst person ever for public transport cute-boy spotting, so I thought do you know what, that's totally travelling, I can do that. I'm glad Tibbie's unique but not sort of too unique! Elbow patch was not a very nice guy, but he got his comeuppance because Henry got cake and he didn't, and to be honest, everyone needs cake.

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Review #18, by WitnesstoitAll Scotch Bonnets, Cakes and Buses

8th July 2013:
Here for the review battle (and to support my fellow claw... nothing like two birds with one stone, eh?) Anyway, this was adorable and so well done. I loved Tibbie. I love imagining Henry sitting behind her on the bus and staring at the back of her head. It's funny how life is like that -- you tend to always think that you are the most awkward or most this or that, when an infinite number of other people likely are thinking the same thing! Tibbie was extremely likable and I loved following her learning curve as she took her bus each day.

Great one shot!

Author's Response: Hello, and thanks for the review! I suppose being the house that's represented by a bird we are pretty good at the whole bird/stone thing, haha. I think that that's kind of what I was trying to portray, like, most people kind of go around in this state of thinking that /they/ are the ones who are the most shy/scared/uncomfortable/silly, when everyone is really equally those things. I'm glad Tibbie was likeable, and that you enjoyed this one-shot!

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