Reading Reviews for Tear Stained Heart
  
9 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Penelope Inkwell Scene One

30th July 2015:
Hey hey hey Cassie!

I told you I was gonna come review something over here. Well here I am! I thought I remembered you saying you wanted more reviews on some of your older stories, so I decided to click on this one. Although...no happy ending. I'm gonna be sad. That's okay, though. Sad endings can be really excellent. Except for the characters they happen to. Errr... Okay, I'll re-phrase. From a literary standpoint, sad endings can be excellent. For us. Although I'm very curious as to what will go wrong. At the end of this chapter they're so happy! Dun dun DUN!

I think it's so cute that Ron took Hermione to a place like that to propose to her. That was really sweet, and I'm sure it was really romantic, with the lights and the snow and the tree. Awww. Way to come through, Ron!

I liked the little details you threw in to set the stage, like the smell of roasted nuts. Yum! And so Christmas-y!

I laughed when she mentioned her mother's reluctance to get on fair rides, because my mom is just like that about those kinds of things.

I think it's very in keeping with Ron's character to be nervous about this kind of thing, so that was a good tack to take, in my opinion.

Watching women plan a wedding was a terrifying thing
--Haha, that sounds exactly like something Ron would say. It made me smile. Just trying to picture poor Ron choosing table linens...hahaha :)

I was a bit curious--why wasn't Harry looking well? Is he nervous for them? Is this setting up the ominous foreshadowing for the "No Happy Ending" part?

I was so thankful for the spell Ginny had found to keep my hands from sweating the entire time I was up there.
--This was a nice touch. A hand sweat spell. Ginny thinks of everything!


CC: You know me. Nitpicky in the extreme! ;) I always try to give examples of possible corrections, but that might not be the best possible option. I just feel bad if I suggest fixing something and don't give any advice on how that might be done, so I threw some suggestions in there. Here's what I found:

who would have thought that we were old enough to be getting engaged.
--needs a question mark at the end

I reread the Hermione’s scribble on the paper.
--the "the" before "Hermione's" should be taken out

“I’ll ride one. But I’m not going to risk my life more than necessary.”
--Ron's reluctance to get on the ride seems a bit out of character, as he's not only a Gryffindor, but one of 6 siblings, all of whom would have teased him mercilessly for backing down from a challenge like that. It seems like maybe he's really using that as an excuse, and he's truly just nervous about the proposal. If that's the case, I think it would help to make it a little clearer. If he were to babble in his head a bit about the dangers of the fair rides, but we could really see that it's about marriage, that might actually be rather funny, which would be very Ron and might lighten the mood a bit.

"held my breath, almost forgetting to breath
--the second "breath" should be "breathe"

He always loved the décor inside, his inner childhood wishes to be musically inclined coming out.
--this sentence is a bit hard to follow the first time you read it. Maybe: "He's always loved the décor inside. It's his childhood dream of being a rockstar coming out." If you wanted more, maybe you could add something like, "He always wanted to be musically inclined, but I'm afraid Dad's got quite the tin ear."

Instead, they had expected me to make the decisions with me...
- "me to make the decisions with me," isn't what I think you meant. Maybe, "Instead, they had expected me to make the decisions with them..."

After several deep breaths, I steeled through the door...
--I don't think "steel" can be used as a verb in that way. You can "steal" through a door, but that's not what I'm thinking you meant? Maybe, "After several deep breaths, I steeled myself and pushed through the door..."

I longed to be able to pull on one of her curls.
--something about the phrasing of this makes me think of a little boy pulling a girl's pigtails, but it seemed like you were going for something a little more romantic than that. Maybe something like, "my fingers itched to tuck one of those tendrils behind her ear." I'm not sure if that's the spirit of what you meant, or not, but it's one option.

Remember that when I am angry and frustrated with you, it is often because I get upset that I cannot keep up with your brain.
--To me, this sounds a little negatively phrased for wedding vows? Maybe, "Sometimes you drive me mad--mostly because you're too clever by half and I can't keep up, but being with you is the best kind of crazy I know," or something to that effect?

You showed me a love that means spending days awake because your other half cannot sleep.
--maybe switch "days" to nights, as generally one is awake during the day anyways.

I pulled away reluctantly and caught the regretful look Hermione threw me.
--I'm thinking you mean regretful to end the kiss, but the term "regretful" right after they are married first made me think that Hermione was having second thoughts. Maybe, "and I could tell from the look in Hermione's eyes that she felt the same." Or something like that. Mostly I'd just avoid using "regret" right there.


I want to take a look at the final product of your Dramione cliché challenge when I get the chance, but I thought I'd come look at this first.

Hasta luego!

--Penny

 Report Review

Review #2, by Frankie05 Scene One

29th July 2015:
Cassie

I'm curious to see where this goes. Except for the bit about Ginny casting a non sweat spell, this chapter seemed very muggleish. Which is grand, but I would have hoped the wedding had a bit more magical flair to it.

I thought the Christmas proposal scene was cute. I could imagine the Christmas village taking place and the exciting of seeing everything again for Hermione. I completely understand Ron's hesitation to get on a piece of metal equipment that was probably put up by people in one day. When I go to fairs j never ride the rides for that reason. It seemed so realistic when Ron forgot his speech while proposing, the jittery butterflies and the tears Hermione cried were very realistic.

The wedding day scene was very descriptive. I thought you did a wonderful job imaging the whole scene. Was Ron in a tux because of his horrid experience with wizard robes at the Yule ball or was it strictly a muggle wedding because of Hermione. Is that going to cause issues later on in the story if they are doing things only Hermione likes? I'm interested to keep reading.

I could feel the love Ron experienced when he saw Hermione for the first time. His thoughts were wonderful. Well done. I'm excited to read the next chapter.

Frankie

 Report Review

Review #3, by HermyLuna2 Scene Two

20th July 2015:
Hermione giving birth to their first child from Ron's perspective, that was a very intriguing read. You did not make it too sweet, you perfectly captured the realistic side of having a pregnant woman, even though I can't say anything about how realistic it is since I have never been in that situation and never will, but it seems realistic enough to me. The little things such as Ron not being overtly enthousiastic about his work and his lack of table manners make him very true to his character. I like how Hermione reminds him of Molly when she's in one of her hysterical moods. Your writing style is very pleasant to read and subtle. Again, the descriptions are very elaborate, and I think that is good. I like the sentences: "I stroked her hair down, noticing that my hand was shaking from joy", "“WheresHermioneWeasleyshesmywifegivingbirth.”" and "I sighed and sat up, watching Hermione do her waddle out of the room.
I encountered a few small mistakes though:
- to much
-her asking me not sure if this is a mistake but it sounds a bit awkward
- Since our first year at Let alone
Also there are a few things that aren't mistakes, but that could maybe be improved:
- Hermione giggled again, but she hadn't giggled before
- Homework is a bit vague, maybe you can specify it
- Hermione rapidly changes between smiling, giggling and laughing. It is mentioned a bit too much. Also, laughing merrily isn't neccessary to mention, unless Hermione usually laughs miserably.
- Hermione sighes twice
- The whole pregnancy and birth of Rose seems a little bit rushed. Maybe because it's rather short and a lot of Ron's thoughts are spent on Hermione's moodswings. But maybe Rose's birth is not an important aspect of the story.

Anyway, I'm curious what will happen next!

 Report Review

Review #4, by HermyLuna2 Scene One

15th July 2015:
Hi,
I am sorry for this very late review, but I was feeling a bit overwhelmed by my own review thread... Now, I wanted to finish the reviews still due.

The intro scene of this story is really imaginitive and good. You described the scene with a lot of detail, so I could easily imagine myself in the park with them. I think both Ron and Hermione are very in character here. Ron's unfamiliarity with and fear of Muggle things and 'the big question' is endearing and Hermione being her cheerful and sensible self is always a delight. It just reads like a scene in the books, which is remarkable, and shows that you have researched the characters really well. It is very interesting to read about the main characters from Ron's point of view for a change. While I can't really comment on it, I think you are good at writing male POVs. Because you requested a review I will note some things I think could maybe be improved :
- I wiped my hands on my pants leg and tried to control my breathing. Uhhm, wait a second. What? ;D If this was about washing hands or his sweaty palms, then...Nevermind. Leg doesn't need to be specified unless it's important, I think.
- Navigation magic. I have never heard about this before, so it's creative of you to have invented something, but while it is logical that wizards and witches also have navigation aids it seems a bit unlogical that this would come in the form of a spell instead of an enchanted object, to me at least. It's a cool idea that wizards and witches have some kind of sixth sense of magnetoception, though!
- Harry himself did not look up to 100% What does this sentence mean? That Harry isn't feeling well either? I don't know since he's also laughing.
- While I think the appearance of Hermione is very heartwarming, it's a bit unlogical I think that Ron first sees 'the beautiful woman' and then notices how Hermione looked. You probably wanted to portray the feeling that Ron thinks Hermione is beautiful no matter what she actually looks like and I think that is a thoughtful idea, but then 'in front of me' confuses the reader. Also I was kind of disappointed in THE description because I still don't know the color of Hermione's dress, if only the strap is covered with beading or the whole dress and why it was elaborate, if she's wearing make-up... C'mon, we are supposed to think that Ron paid attention to his love. (Or not really?)
- I'm on the fence about Ron repeatedly calling Hermione beautiful, and amazing. They're great things to say in real life, but kind of empty words in a story. But this is a wedding where no husband wouldn't have thought such a thing unless he was a big jerk. So I think while these words usually do not add to a story here they do fit.

Anyway, little things aside I thought this was a great feelgood chapter and I can't wait what will happen next. I fear it will not end well, but I wonder how such a sweet marriage could turn out badly.

Author's Response: No worries! You leave some of the most wonderful reviews, so they are always worth the wait. Just so you know ♥

And thank you so much - this story has always been one of my favorites, so I hold it close to my heart. I do need to go back and read through it again to make some edits, because it has been a while. And I like to think my writing style has improved since then ;)


 Report Review

Review #5, by AlecJamesCaius_ Scene One

15th July 2015:
Looking for which story to review, I noticed you have alot of dramione. Now I generally dislike that pairing, so I searched further and then I found that you write Ron /Hermione as well. I was genuinely surprised because usually people like one or the other, not both. I was even more surprised when you wrote them so well and so cute. It was very like Ron to forget what he was going to say and their vows were pretty cute. I didn't notice any spelling/grammar mistakes, good job there as well!

Alec

Author's Response: Thank you! This story is actually dear to my heart, just because of all the meaning that is carried in the story. Thank you for stopping by and leaving this review! I'm really glad that we were able to do a swap =)

 Report Review

Review #6, by Oregonian Scene Five

9th May 2015:
Hi, Cassie. I picked this story to review because it had the fewest reviews of all your stories. It really is unusual because it’s five chapters of pure emotions. And furthermore, the main character in Ron, the guy who could never think of the right thing to say. But in all this talking to himself in his head, he proves to be a pretty eloquent fellow.

By concentrating on his feelings, you show him living entirely “in the moment”, what the gurus nowadays call “mindfulness”. He concentrates entirely on what he is seeing, experiencing, and feeling at this very moment. He’s not thinking back on his exciting life up to this point, nor speculating about the future years. Of course a story like this has to be written in the first person.

At first I didn’t know where the story was going, and I just luxuriated in the mass of little details that make up the scenes, but then it became clear that we were headed for emotions of a different sort, as the final three of the five chapters dealt with Ron’s dying, death, and afterlife observations of his family and friends. I liked the detail of the red button which Hermione could push when she was finished with her good-byes, and Ron’s awareness of everything, even after he appeared to be in a coma. The presence of the ghosts, especially Fred, made a smooth transition from this life to the next, complementing the smooth transition of Ron, who never stopped talking and observing, even as he passed the boundary.

This is certainly “no happy ending”, but it is interesting that you chose, not a resurgence of Death Eaters or a mishap in Ron’s occupation, or even a falling-out between once loving partners, but just a senseless, random piece of bad luck, totally unexpected and unpredictable, the sort of thing that could happen to anyone. Just in case we thought we had any guarantees in life…

An unusual subject and an unusual treatment. Nice work.

Vicki

Author's Response: Thank you SO much for this review. This story has probably been one of my favorite to write - I need to get back to the fleshed out emotions.

And sometimes it is nice to not paint Ron in such a negative light as so often happens in Dramiones [I myself am guilty].

And thank you for reviewing! It was a great thing to see =)


 Report Review

Review #7, by LilyEPotter Scene One

10th February 2014:
That had to be about the sweetest way that Ron could have proposed. Though I can certainly understand Ron's point of view concerning the rollercoasters. There's nothing quite like the safety bar not holding properly. :(

What a perfectly sweet wedding! I couldn't help chuckling at their vows, especially Hermione's when she acknowledged that Ron could be dense. :)

Author's Response: Ah, I love roller coasters! Haha. But I've been on a few scary ones before.

Thank you for leaving a sweet revieW


 Report Review

Review #8, by Broken Butterfly Scene Five

19th July 2013:
WOW> That is all I have to say about this. It is just wonderfully amazing. I really like how the story begins on a happier note, marriage and Pregnancy and then comes crashing down for a really realistic reason. The Idea of giving Ron a Brain tumor is just really creative because while its realistic, it something people going around saying will never happen to them... The story really showed how imperfect life really is and how thinking that it is will give you a rude awakening you would rather not have had. I love Ron's POV in this because it really gave an aspect to the story that wouldn't be there without it. Thanks for submitting this to the No Happy Ending Challenge... stay tuned for the results coming up soon.

Author's Response: Wow, thank you so much for that review! I was left a little speechless the first time I read it =)

 Report Review

Review #9, by Ron 4 Hermione Scene One

18th July 2013:
Wow, that was so nice! The vows were something really special and I could just picture them two standing there saying them! You wrote that beautifully!

Your characterisation of Ron was perfect, from not saying the speech he had prepared and then feeling nervous before the wedding. You had him down perfectly.

Your descriptions of Hyde park were so realistic, you had everything. Sights, sounds, smells and that's not something a lot of people include but I could really envisage Hermione and Ron wandering around, it was so realistic! The whole scene was great, I loved the little details about Hermione's childhood because you don't normally hear about her childhood since she's a muggle but I like the detail you've put in!

This was a great chapter, can't wait to read the next one! :)

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm glad I was able to get him down just perfect =)

I was able to cheat a little bit because I've been to Hyde's Park though, =) I wanted to be able to add it in because I knew I could add in those little things. That fair is beautiful though.

I hope they were/are up to your expectation!


 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login