Reading Reviews for When They Fell
35 Reviews Found

Review #1, by ShadowRose Prologue

3rd January 2014:
Hello there! You requested this review, what, back in August? How shameful of me! Sorry for the massive delay!

First, I love the way you've structured this prologue with the parallelism of each section, only modifying a few words to show how things have changed over time. It really ties the whole chapter together, despite it taking place over a span of multiple years. It also makes those little changes stand out that much more - the Potters house gets bigger, they have more children, and both of these things gradually put more and more strain on the relationship. This is especially seen when you compare the first couple of scenes, in which Harry is very affectionate towards Ginny, with some of the later ones, where they only interact to argue with one another. It really helps show the degradation of the relationship, and establish a theme I imagine is going to continue to develop as the story progresses.

This chapter doesn't go into great depths of characterisation - and rightly so, as it's an introductory chapter and most of the emphasis is on the events of the plot instead of character development. What characterisation you do show, however, is fantastic. The characters are portrayed very honestly - nothing is perfect, which is exactly how real life is. You have the arguing Harry and Ginny, the scared Lily and Albus, and the Teddy who's trying to protect these kids when he's hardly anything more than a child himself. Meeting the characters in this way establishes an almost immediate sympathy for them - their lives sure aren't fairytales, and it's very relatable for the reader.

My favourite character you have developed here is definitely Ginny - she's very different from the way she's usually portrayed in post-Hogwarts stories. This life doesn't come as naturally for her as she'd hoped, and it's frustrating. She's not used to not being good at things, and she takes her frustration out on Harry - who, poor guy, hasn't a clue how to handle this new version of Ginny. But you still show that she loves her kids nonetheless, particularly in the scene where she leaves but still comes and tells Lily she loves her, instead of just walking out.

The plot is also an interesting one; I can't remember the last fanfiction I read that started with this much drama. I'm sensing some major tension coming up, what with Ginny leaving and a potential Harry/Ginny divorce. I know the story hasn't been updated in a while, but I definitely would love to see it progress, if you ever get your muse back! It's a very unique story and I can't wait to see how the storyline develops. I think this looked like a Lily-centric story, and it would be really interesting to see how this split affects her - parental splits hardly leave children unmarred - and how it affects her development and character.

I didn't notice any spelling or grammatical errors offhand; however, there were just a few American-isms... for example, "couch" should be "sofa." That was really the only one that stood out to me; on the whole, it was very well done.

So sorry for the delay in this review, but I really did think this was a fantastic story and I hope you continue it at some point! Feel free to request for the next chapter when a spot becomes available!

-ShadowRose (Taylor)

 Report Review

Review #2, by shez Prologue

3rd December 2013:
Hey there! You may not remember but you requested a review from me back in October and here I December. Really, really sorry about. I hope you haven't given up on this story or anything and that I'm able to help. I was just going to review the opening chapter here to give general thoughts and then I'll leave a massive all-encompassing review on the last chapter.

So anyway, the review...

I can't really explain why I like this so much. It's different from what's on the fanfic archives, in that, rather than dressing up the characters (which many authors do and it gets tiresome after a while), you're playing them honest. I really like the opening, the transcendence of time as HArry's family expands. it's a very creative approach to what looks like a very promising story. All the personalities in this chapter and extremely well-executed (I can't decide who I love the best. they're all so believable to their. The way you portray them is very Rowling-esque)

Now for the plot, I forsee some major sadness coming up. The fight and upcoming divorce (right? just a guess) between Harry and Ginny and I'm wondering exactly what this story is about. Is is about a how divorce tears a family apart? Your summary was very abstract. I sense the focus will be on Lily --while creating mystery and suspense is great I recommend giving your story a tad bit more direction in the first chapter. Don't tell them what's going to happen Allude to where you intend to take it. It gives the reader an idea of what to expect and compels them to continue reading.

Your writing style is solid and fantastic to read (again, reminds me of Rowling). No grammar errors. Transitions fantastic.

I'll be back sometime soon with another review :)

Author's Response: Oh thank you :) To be honest I'd completely forgotten I'd requested a review until I'd seen this. I'm glad you like my portrayal of characters and I will go back and do some major editing eventually, I haven't given up on this story, but it is on hiatus for a bit, because adding on to the lack of inspiration I have some stuff going on in the real life. But this story will be completed I promise :).

 Report Review

Review #3, by marauderfan Play With Fire

16th November 2013:
Hi there! I'm finally here with your requested review, and sorry about the delay. And I'm reviewing this chapter since I've actually read chapter 1, a while ago.

What I like most about this story is how it's both original and ordinary. (and I mean ordinary in the nicest way, I promise - I'll explain :p ) I don't often see stories where Harry and Ginny aren't together anymore. Come to think of it I don't think I've seen any stories like that apart from this one. So it's original in that respect. But what's striking is just the reality of it - unpleasant but ordinary things like family arguments, sibling rivalry, separated parents - that's sometimes how life is, as sad as that is, so I'm glad you went there with your story.

Your characterisations in that sense are very good. I like Hugo. Both Albus and Lily are quite annoying to be honest, but I kind of like that. You are not afraid to write imperfect characters, and it makes them real.

The plot is developing nicely, with something scary like that fire happening early on, that totally took the story in a new direction. I'm definitely interested to read more, and find out the aftermath of what Lily saw and how it affected her decision to keep running away.

So you say you're losing inspiration... well, I've only read two chapters now, but I can tell you already that I like where it is going so far and I hope you are inspired again! Just keep writing. I can't really say where I would like it to go - I think only you can say that, as it's your story and you're writing it because you want to tell that story you have in your mind! ;) So tell the story you want to tell. I like what I've seen so far, and I'm sure I will continue to do so.

Hope that helps get you back into writing this! Great chapter!!

Author's Response: Thank you :) I'm really glad you like this story. I'm glad that you like my imperfect characters ;) I didn't think Albus was that annoying, but I guess he is, but yes all these characters are going to change throughout the story, and I have actually been inspired once again :) so I'm looking forward to putting up the next chapter by the end of the month.

 Report Review

Review #4, by AlexFan Kiss and Tell

4th October 2013:
Oh snap. Oh snap snap snap snap snap snap. That is literally all that I am able to say at the moment. Just, oh snap.

Everything started out okay and all, normal Hogwarts stuff, albeit with a lot more bullying than I expected. And then everything just blew up and hit the ceiling fan.

I mostly want to talk about the Hugo situation. Since the war ended and there's nothing else to frighten people, it makes sense that bullying would begin to happen, it's in almost every school. I just never expected Hugo to be at one end of it. It's just so strange to picture him at the end of the bullying when usually he's not even involved in it.

You'd think that since he was the kid of two of the saviours of the wizarding world people would try and suck up to him but apparently not. I feel so bad for Hugo though, no one should have to go through bullying and what everyone is putting him through is absolutely horrible. I admire the fact that he hasn't let it get to him all that much.

You go Hugo!

I knew something bad was going to happen in the romance department when I saw the title of the chapter and I was right in my assumption, I just didn't expect Lily to be in the middle of it.

But wow, she really messed up Rose and Scorpius, I get that she was drunk and probably not in her best state of mind but still though. It's pretty much safe to say that the relationship between Rose and Lily is going to be very strained from here on out.

The only thing that I can think to point out is that your pace is a bit fast and your transitions are a bit choppy. You seem to move through scenes rather quickly and I feel like I've barely got time to get into the setting and what's going on before I'm thrown into another one. My suggestion would be to slow down the chapter and smooth out those transitions. It would make the chapter longer but it would also be a lot better to read.

Other than that though, this was really great and I'm excited to keep reading and finding out what's going on with Ginny.

Author's Response: I am so so very sorry for the late response. First off, thank you for the lovely review I look forward to every one of your reviews, because they make my entire day a bit brighter. With this story I kind of wanted to incorporate as many themes of what go on in secondary schools and colleges as I could, but at the same time I wanted it to be unique. I made Hugo the target of bullying, because I kind of wanted to show that it really doesn't matter who you are or what you've done or whom you're friends with, people can be quite cruel regardless. I admit I kind of fell into the cliche of writing a scene kind of like what happened with Rose, Scorpius, and Lily. But that is just a minor detail, and in the scheme of things to where I'm heading with this story quite insignificant. I'm really glad you liked this, and I hope you keep reading because I have quite a lot planned for everyone. And yes everything was quite a bit fast paced, I was a bit rushed as I was typing this out, but I'm going to go back to edit it once I find the time.
Cheers, Naomi

 Report Review

Review #5, by AlexFan Wait for Me

15th September 2013:
It's been a while since I read this story but it's still as amazing as ever. There's absolutely nothing that I would change about it or comment on that I think you should improve (although there might be people who disagreed with me on that).

I don't know if I've mentioned this before but Lorcan and Lysander have to be my favourite characters in the story so far. The way that they act around each other and the way that they behave and speak is like a copy of Fred and George. In fact, if you hadn't mentioned in the entire story that that was Lorcan and Lysander I probably would've assumed that it had been the twins.

I like how you went into detail about the first day of "school," without making it boring or like it usually ends up being in fanfiction. I got to see what was happening with everyone else and everything that was going on which was nice to see.

I still think that Rose should dump Scorpius because he's just being a jerk. Unless he's got a very good reason for being a jerk, I won't be forgiving him any time soon.

Poor Albus though, unrequited love sucks and it seems that he's found himself the victim of it. It's not often that we see this as the case for one of the Potter boys because they always seem to get the girls so I like that Albus doesn't just get any girl he wants.

I love the whole family dynamic going on here with everyone joking around and teasing each other. Family isn't something that I often see in fanfiction so that was nice to see for me and I greatly enjoyed those parts of the chapter.

And the reason for why Ginny left is still not answered and continues to eat away at me. Although judging by the way that she's acting she still loves Harry and she left more because she had to and because she thought it was for the best and less because she stopped caring about her family and just couldn't take it anymore.

Anyway, another awesomesauce chapter!

Author's Response: Well this is an extremely overdue response and I am so sorry I didn't see this earlier. You review made me smile, it honestly did. I'm really glad you like this story, and all these questions I'm sure you have will all be answered in the coming chapters, but as you know I've only got up to chapter 9 or 10 think since I am so unbelievably slow. But anyways expect an update by Halloween.

 Report Review

Review #6, by patronus_charm Prologue

6th September 2013:
I’m so sorry this review has taken an age! School has taken over my life these past few days, but here I am!

I really liked the narration style and how you kept on returning to the similar line but with small changes in it. It had a great sense of progression about it and it was rather humorous in a way to see how the family and the house continued to grow. I’ve never seen that used before and the fact that this was the prologue meant that it fitted perfectly and covered such a huge span of time in an interesting way.

Though the numbers in the years were fine, when writing prose it tends to look and sound better if you spell out the number rather than writing it in its numeric form. Like here for example ‘Despite the fact that Mrs Weasley had been knitting since the start of the year to make one for all 24 of them’ it would just sound more sophisticated if you put twenty four. I know it’s a bit of a pain but it’s really worth it.

One thing which I thought was really excellent was your characterisation of Ginny. In all the post-Hogwarts fics I’ve read there seems to be this rose-tinted feel about them here, but what you did with her here was really great. I really loved how being a mother didn’t seem to come naturally to her and how she got angry and annoyed and was close to a break down at time. That, to me, just felt like a much more natural and realistic depiction of motherhood. Then the little tender moments woven in that really reminded the reader why Ginny loved being a mother despite the stress.

The Christmas scene was really great too! The small note about Percy still feeling uncomfortable about being there just made it! ♥ It showed how tension like that never really faded, and made me pity him so much as he must really regret what he did.

The spat between Harry and Ginny was also great because from two such fiery characters you would expect them to argue a lot! Hmm, there does seem to be something to their constant arguing and I really want to know what it is. The children’s comments about it were really age appropriate and I couldn’t help but aw about them and how scared/worried they must be feeling.

This line ‘This is like incest," she laughs.’ Did seem a little strange to me and Teddy’s response was a little creepy :P it might just be me but if you changed it to ‘this is really weird’ it might sound better!

There were a few Americanisms in this chapter, and I thought I would point them out in case you wanted to change them. Obviously it’s up to you but as Brit I couldn’t just leave them there :P ‘plowing onto the couch’ couch = sofa. ‘"Yeah, sure buddy."’ Buddy = mate.’ picket fence ‘ it would sound better just as fence. It was a really good on the whole, it was just those few things which stuck out to me.

The ending was really intriguing and you set up such a great premise for the tensions between Harry and Ginny that I really want to find out what is exactly causing them and whether that cause is one which can be resolved. Overall, I thought this was a really great start to the story and there’s only a fw very minor improvements needed to be made! :)


Author's Response: Ah yay! I'm glad you liked, and I'm actually really happy you included CC because I haven't got much of that and I really needed new ways to improve this. Haha I do need to change the Americanisms, it seems old habits die hard, because I've been living in Scotland for about 3 years. I really do hope you keep reading, and I hope you don't mind terribly if I request another review :)

 Report Review

Review #7, by Ray The Bones Crew

5th September 2013:
This is by far the best Lily Luna/OC fanfic I've read. I can't wait to see what you've got next!

Author's Response: I'm glad you like it :) I'm currently working on the next chapter, so I hope you look forward to that.

 Report Review

Review #8, by AlexFan Come and Go

27th August 2013:
Usually I hate reading long chapters of stories because I'm not reading them for my own enjoyment but your story is so brilliant so far that I'm excited!

I don't know why but this line, "It was more that she was a little bit possessive… and obsessive… and borderline psychotic…" just made me burst into a fit of laughter and I couldn't stop. The way that I heard it in my head was in the way that someone would admit to crime by adding in details after a small pause.

Oh poor, naive Cee. I couldn't be chuckle at the fact that she thinks her father jumps on the bed with other people. Yes Cee, that's what he does, he jumps on the bed. I feel bad for her when she's older and she realises what that actually is.

On a different note, I'm definitely interested to learn about Nicholas's family. It sounds as if there's a lot of history there, something else that you've added in to keep the reader wondering and reading. I hope I find out more as the story goes on.

I request permission to hit Scorpius in the face. He's a sucky boyfriend is what he is. If I'd been in Rose's place and he'd responded like that to me and my little brother I would've ran after and dumped his sorry butt. Who does he think is!

Rose is just trying to look out for her brother but instead Scorpius overreacts when she's just trying to help out!

What I want to know is what Rose has done because clearly she's done something very wrong what with her thoughts and everything. And what secret did she have to tell Scorpius? What's happened to her?

I'm going to take a stab and say that Rose has been cheating on everything in school, that's the only explanation that I can come up with so feel free to tell me whether I'm hot or cold on that guess.

Oh my God Ginny is back, what happened to her? I need to know what happened to her! By the sounds of it it sounds like she had a drug or alcohol addiction or something. That's not what happened, is it?

No wonder Hannah was being all cold though, she and Neville are probably friends with Harry and I'm betting that they don't like Ginny all that much.

And now to leave an actual review instead of squealing about this chapter (I completely forgot I was supposed to be giving criticism but there's not much to give).

Anyway, the writing was as perfect as ever, you've introduced some new characters and hinted at backstory's that I'm interested in knowing about and you've definitely upped the mystery on the story. You keep the reader wanting more and your chapter's interesting by introducing new characters and other things.

As always, I enjoyed this story very much!

Author's Response: I am sooo glad you liked this :D. Sorry for responding so late school has been stressing me out very much, and I don't get enough time to do anything. Yes Rose has been cheating on things at school, but there's more. With Ginny you'll just have to keep reading to find out. I'm glad you like how I introduced new characters and that I can keep them all in check :) thanks for the lovely review.

 Report Review

Review #9, by AlmostInvisible  The Bones Crew

24th August 2013:
I can tell that you put a lot of work into this, because it is obviously well planned and thought out. Plus, it is really quite great. This fic is different from most of them, and it really is an angst without all the unecessary cliches. I like this, please don't give up or anything, you have something special here.

Author's Response: Thanks for reading this :) I feel really bad, because I didn't really plan this out at all, I just write each chapter as it goes, but I did put a lot of thought into it if that counts for anything. Don't worry, I don't plan on giving up anytime soon. Thanks for the lovely review.

 Report Review

Review #10, by blackballet Prologue

23rd August 2013:
Wow. I am here for your requested review, and stories like this is why I have it!

I think I've really stumbled upon something great. I like how Harry and Ginny aren't in love anymore, argue about things, and I feel bad saying it, but I'm glad they're splitting up in this. I think it will give Lily more depth as a character.

I like how you've spaced things out by time, although you might want to make the time changes a bit more clear with line breaks. Just a suggestion!

It's also very nice that you left off the end of that chapter with Lily thinking because that will lead into her being the main character. It was perfect! I hope we get to see equally Ginny as much as we do Harry if they are prominent in this story. I already have ideas about how this will go, and I'll be going to bed thinking about it!

The only thing I wasn't so sure about was having so many characters introduced in the first chapter. It can get a bit confusing, but that's coming from someone who doesn't know next generation as well as she should!

I didn't notice any grammar or spelling mistakes, so kudos for that.

Thank you for writing so well,

Author's Response: I'm so sorry for taking so long to respond to this review. I was so busy, I did not have time. I'm really glad you you think my story has the potential to be really great.Thank you for the lovely review, even though my response was quite rushed and I hope you don't think too badly of me. :)

 Report Review

Review #11, by AlexFan Play With Fire

22nd August 2013:

Moving onto the actual review.

You've made Lily a very realistic character and I think you've got the whole sibling thing down. Obviously she and Albus fight with each other a lot and they probably want to beat each other up half of the time but I'm thinking that deep down (deep deep deep down) they still care about each other.

I can relate to her reaction to not getting Prefect and dreading giving her family the news as it's something that I've felt myself from time to time.

Her reaction to seeing the death of that woman was also very realistic. It makes perfect sense that she would be in shock and traumatized and unable to move or speak. That being said, I was practically screaming at Lily to get up and be helpful to the Aurors by giving a description.

I also want to know what the spell that she was trying to do was, it sounded like it might've been something to stop the Fiendfyre.

I also don't usually read stories like this because I tend to get bored reading them but I can safely say that this isn't the case. I practically pulled out my hair while reading through this and I'm pretty sure I'm going to have some nail marks on my face for the next couple of days.

The mystery surrounding this though is killing me. I want to know so many things but there aren't answers to them yet. What happened to Ginny?! Where is Lily going? Why has she runaway before? Who is that man and how is that woman who just got burned to death connected to that man? I NEED ANSWERS ASAP!

I can safely say that you are the master of keeping your reader's attention throughout the chapter. I wouldn't've been able to stop reading even if I'd tried. If someone says that they got bored while reading this chapter, they're lying. It's impossible to get bored while reading this.

Your description though of everything going on though was brilliant but at the same time it's scared me. You've managed to give me a clear picture in my head of everything going on, I can see it clearly and I could even hear the screams. I'm covered in goosebumps and I can't stop shivering.

Good God this was brilliant and I bow down to you and your powers of writing so brilliantly. Come back and request again if you want, I would be more than happy to review chapter 3 of this story!

infinity out of 10

Author's Response: I'm so glad you liked this. This is the first time I've ever written a mystery story so I'm glad you thought I did well. I can't answer the questions in the review as that would take away from the mystery of the story, but keep reading and they will come to you in due time. Thanks again, and I will definitely re-request :)

 Report Review

Review #12, by Pottergirl7 The Bones Crew

21st August 2013:
Ohmygoodness this was a good chapter. Ginny is still an absolute mystery, Rose has gone absolutely crazy, I feel so sorry for Hugo and I'm seriously happy that Lily and Nicholas are finally kind of not really but maybe almost together. Also I really don't like Alexis. And I'm glad that Lily told someone but honestly what did she expect would happen afterwards? I wonder if Teddy will go behind her back and tell Harry or keep it a secret. And why is Ginny writing to Theodore Nott? The scene with Hugo and the other guys broke my heart, I hope Albus pays them a very painful visit.
I do think that you wrote the Rose goes crazy and beats the stuffing out of Annie scene really well. Rose wasn't too psychotic which was good cause after all, she is only a schoolgirl and Annie wasn't too 'ohmygod this crazy woman is going to kill me, I'm going to die' type of thing, if you get what I mean?
It was a good chapter and I can't wait for the next one!

Author's Response: Thank you! Your review really made me smile. I confess I read over and over again, because this was one of the first reviews on this chapter and it was really sweet and made me smile. I can't answer those questions, because this story is a mystery for a reason, but there will be some light shed upon in the next chapter.

 Report Review

Review #13, by 800 words of heaven Prologue

16th August 2013:
Hello! Here with your severely delayed review request!

Ooh! I really liked this prologue! It could almost stand by itself, but I'm looking forward to seeing where you'll go with this.

I loved seeing the Potter family grow and change through the years. It was very real and rather heartbreaking, but I guess life's like that. If the aim was to tell the story of a family drama in the prologue, I think you've done a wonderful job!

I love the characterisation so far! I'm looking forward to seeing where you’ll take Teddy, especially, because it was just so nice to see him grow up from a little boy into a teenager. The Potter kids' stories will also be interesting, I think, and I'm excited to read them. And then, of course, there's Harry and Ginny. It'll be interesting to see where you take them as individuals as well as their relationship.

You asked me to be as critical as I could, but because this was the prologue, and I'm a bit better at tearing plots apart, I'm sorry I can't really help you in that area. I think this is a really strong start to what could be a great drama!

Thanks for requesting! Hope to hear from you soon!

Author's Response: Thank you :) I'm glad you liked it. I've always loved angsty fic's, so I'm glad that you liked how I wrote the unraveling of the Potter's family structure. I'll be sure to re-request, if that's all right. Thanks again for reading.

 Report Review

Review #14, by Lady of Tears Prologue

15th August 2013:
Well, well, I think this is a pretty brilliant opening!

You used quite a few literary devices to your advantage. I especially liked the way you handled the passage of time, with the description of the house and the people.

I felt so sad for Harry and Ginny, but it was definitely intriguing and something different. I thought you did a good job with characterization as well. Teddy was my favorite.

I don't have any main critiques, except for a hope that we'll get a closer look into just what happened between Harry and Ginny. It's such a dramatic thing so different from canon that I finished with a strong desire to understand why.

Thanks for requesting a review! I enjoyed this very much!

-Lady of Tears

Author's Response: I'm so sorry for responding so late, you must think I'm a really horrible person. I've honestly just had a lot on my plate. I'm really glad you like this story, and I'm glad you have a strong desire to read on and find out, it made my day, really :) Plus I don't really like writing cliches, so I'm glad you found this shockingly different.

 Report Review

Review #15, by Jchrissy Prologue

7th August 2013:
Hi there!

Wow, what a start! I get really intrigued when a writer shows the more complex sides of a marriage. There are so many happy couples in the HP series, and we usually see the best snapshots of them. I really liked that you did the opposite, and showed their snapshots as they spiraled down. Not at their best moments, but at some of their painfully, and probably most realistic, ones.

Each argument you chose to show felt genuine. Ginny's on edge a lot, understandable with how crazy their lives must be, and it doesn't feel like they've worked out how to cope with one another when they are in the middle of the stressed out times.

I also liked that you didn't stick to one character for the little glimpse's. I was a bit confused about what was going on with Victoire and Teddy's and how that related, then James came out ready to play and it tied in perfectly. Teddy seemed to take the part of uncle. Older, not a sibling enough to fight like siblings, and wiser. I think it was an awesome position for him, not removed from the family but also not in the middle of the heat. It made for a really great person to see some of it from!

The end had such a sad feeling to it, and I just wanted to cuddle Lily up. It definitely got the reader hooked and ready to continue on to find out if Ginny is up and leaving, going to file for divorce, and what's going to happen from here.

Awesome start!

Author's Response: Thank you! I'm so glad you like this. I'm also glad you liked the characters, because I tried to make them as realistic as possible. I hope you enjoy this story and keep reading :).

 Report Review

Review #16, by AlexFan Prologue

6th August 2013:
What, what is this!? I did not expect this when I started reading this! I'm barely into the story and I'm already having problems with feels! Harry and Ginny can't be getting a divorce, they just can't.

Ginny better not be leaving either, this is like a kick in the Hinny feels.

I haven't read a story about Harry and Ginny before and what it was like for them when they were married, this is my very first one. It's only the first chapter and you've already caught my attention and made me want to read more.

I love how you showed that being married isn't easy and neither is raising children. It was very realistic and believable.

Your transitions were smooth and kept the flow of the story from getting choppy. It was one of the things that I noticed but for good reasons, not bad.

I think you got the characters spot on. Ginny is the firecracker and I can imagine her getting annoyed and angry with Harry simply because one of their kids got injured. To be perfectly fair though, he wasn't there so it's not like he could exactly keep an eye on James and make sure that he didn't get in trouble. Ginny wasn't there to watch James either but Harry isn't yelling at her and blaming her for what happened.

You've made Harry sound older but you can still see some of his boyishness in him.

I don't even know if I'm making sense anymore, I'm just rambling and gushing and trying to squeeze in CC at the same time.

I'm sorry but it's just that I absolutely loved this first chapter and I can't stop myself from squeeing over it!

Author's Response: Yay thank you, I'm glad you liked this. Also I was having a terrible day, so seeing your review really brought a smile to my face. I really do hope you keep reading, and I hope you don't mind terribly if i re-request a review.

 Report Review

Review #17, by Lady of Tears The End of The Line

1st August 2013:
I'm here with your review!

I'm working on the fact that I haven't read the previous chapters, so keep that in mind.

One thing that I was very impressed with, is your mastery of the sheer number of characters. There were so many in this chapter alone, and it seems like you've given detail to each one and they move seamlessly in this larger story.

I also felt like you really knew your characters, and each one has a great story to tell and you can sense that as a reader.

One thing I really wanted more of was the inner thoughts of your character. I think you did the best with Lily, and I felt like I was inside her head. I loved the italicized portion. The detail and description was beautiful and I wanted to see more of that throughout.

One example of this would be when Hugo tells Louis he's a homosexual. I felt like you were trying to describe a moment that was really a struggle for him, but the minute he tells Louis, he decides to go and watch the Quidditch tryouts. I wanted to know how that moment really felt to him. So I think if you add more of in upcoming chapters I'll feel even more for your story.

Outside of one or two minor things, I thought your grammar and writing was solid.

I enjoyed reading this, and you did a great job at catching my attention and being intriguing. Thanks for requesting a review!

-Lady of Tears

Author's Response: Thank you :) I really should go back and edit shouldn't I? I'm glad you liked this, and I hope you go back and read the previous chapters :)

 Report Review

Review #18, by Elphaba and Boyfriends Come and Go

31st July 2013:
Hi, Elphaba back for chapter three! :)

I found one minor grammar issue near the beginning that stuck out: "look of appall," appall is a verb, so the phrase should go, "appalled look." There are other occasional very minor grammar glitches, but your punctuation and spelling are very clean.

I like the sweet relationship you establish between Nicholas and Cecelia, especially the is-she-magical-or-not question. However, I think she acts a little young for a 10-year-old. I think she'd be able to talk about what their father is doing without saying he's "jumping on the bed." I also think she'd be used to Nicholas leaving for Hogwarts every fall, and so might express a little more resigned bitterness rather than the hurt feelings that she seems to feel in the later section.

I was a little thrown off by Neville and Hannah at the Leaky Cauldron, because I thought they owned The Three Broomsticks in Hogsmeade. Was this an intentional change to tje canon, or a slip-up?

The sections with Ginny (both her appearance at the leaky Cauldron and the flashback) provide some intriguing details that raise as many questions as they answer. It's obvious that their family, friends and the public have taken Harry's side in their breakup, so I wonder what she has done (aside from leaving Harry) to turn people against her. What has she been doing with herself in he intervening years? Why is she desperate for a place to live and work, now?

I really like the Weasley family dinner that closes the chapter. The banter between family members feels natural, and you do a great job of juggling all of the characters. You also do a great job of showing Lily's continued horror at the murder she witnessed. This is my favorite scene in the chapter! :)

Author's Response: Thanks :) I'll go change some of the mistakes. The reason Cecelia acts the way she does is because Nicholas has babied her and kept her sheltered something that will become apparent much later in the story. The Leaky Cauldron/ Three Broomsticks thing was a slip up and then I realized that I had messed up, but it became an important part of the story and I didn't want to change it, but I was hoping people wouldn't notice that :P. The questions with Ginny are something I cannot answer, but the story will in coming chapters. Thank you I had some fun and difficulty writing that chapter and including everyone, so I'm glad you enjoyed that. Thanks for the lovely review.

 Report Review

Review #19, by LilyLou Come and Go

24th July 2013:
LilyLou here with your requested review!

I only read the third chapter, so excuse me if I say things that I find are confusing when you've already mentioned them(:

I love the all round idea of the story. You don't have a happy note about it. It's very sad, dark and mysterious. I love it so much. It's not your normal dark story, but at the same time, it's most definitely not one of your normal next generation stories at all. It's very unique, and I admire you for coming up with such an amazing idea. I have to say, the summary's extremely catchy. I've seen this lately when checking through updated stories and such, but I haven't gotten round to reading it because I've been busy. But I'll definitely be keeping an eye out for it when I've got the chance.

Nicholas' sister was very curious. It was weird, in all honestly. I'm not sure if the reasoning behind her strange actions is revealed earlier or not, but it's really curious, and makes me want to read more.

All around, the story is extremely interesting. You're sure to lure readers in with your mysterious writings. It's amazing so far, keep it up!

Keep writing!


Author's Response: Thanks :). I'm glad you liked it, and I hope you take the time to read all of it when you get the chance. I'm not sure if you caught it, or maybe I'm really bad at being subtle, but Cecelia (Nicholas' sister) is a squib. I've always loved mystery/dark stories, but I also love angsty teen dramas; so I wanted to mix those two elements together and this story is what happened.

 Report Review

Review #20, by UnluckyStar57 Prologue

22nd July 2013:
Hi! I'm here with your review that's really late. I've been very busy with real life, and that's unfortunate because it means you had to wait for this review. I'm sorry. I hope I can make up for that! :)

Well, this is a very different Harry/Ginny story than the ones I usually see! There's a lot of... Tension, and I'm not sure if it's going to make them stronger or tear them apart. You've left me in a lot of suspense!

I love the way that you started off each little vignette with the year. That kind of parallel fashion is really intriguing, and it really helped me get a feel for the time that each scene was happening in. I was also intrigued by the fact that the houses keep getting bigger as the years go by--is that just because they saved up enough money to move, or was the original house magically enlarged?

I have so many questions from just this little prologue: Does Teddy live with the Potters? Is the Auror job the only thing putting strain on Harry and Ginny's relationship, or are there other things? Did James get better? Where was he injured? Why does Ginny feel the need to blame Harry when it so obviously wasn't his fault? What is going on?!?! I love that you've put me into such a state of confusion, because it'll take the rest of the chapters to de-confusify me. :)

I really have no constructive criticism for this chapter. You've woven a great beginning, which is AWESOME, and you've ensured that grammar, spelling, sentence structure, and style are all impeccable. Marvelous job! I look forward to reading more in the future!

May your pen never run out of ink!


Author's Response: Thank you so much :D. I'm really glad you liked this. I don't mind having to wait, it's really fine. As for the questions: Teddy does live with the Potters, because Andromeda died when he was young. They had enough money to move up, because Harry's job started paying more and he started spending more time at work, and less time with family (sorry if I did not make the very obvious in the chapter). James fell off a broom and broke his arms and leg, and he got better. As for the Harry/Ginny relationship thing, you'll just have to keep reading to find out. :)

 Report Review

Review #21, by Elphaba and Boyfriends Play With Fire

21st July 2013:
Hi, Elphaba back! :)

I really like the details you reveal about Lily in the first section of this chapter; for instance that she's the only member of her family that's been sorted into Slytherin, and that Hugo is her closest friend.

While grammar and punctuation are pretty clean in this chapter, this slip-up stuck out: "A moment later, a woman popped her head out the door. "Are you coming, Gen?" he called." -- I assume that "he" should be "she" based on the context. Although it's minor, I think it's worth fixing because it's a bit confusing.

The description of the wizard who attacks Gen is very curious: "Though his face was obscured by the shadows, she knew his body well." could this be Theo? Is he the man she's divorcing?

Woah, the gruesome crime scene came as a bit of a shock; before Gen's murder I had this story pegged as an angsty teen dramedy-romance. Now I want to know why she was murdered, who's responsible, and what the purpose of the Dark Mark is. Is there a new group of Death Eaters set on domination of the wizarding world? Was this intended as a message/warning to Harry? Or was it revenge for something personal in Gen's past?

I also wonder how Lily will become involved, and whether her opinion of her father will change at all after seeing him at work. I would think that witnessing such a traumatic event would cause not-making-prefect to not seem like the worst thing in world, anymore.

Where will she go next?

Author's Response: I'm glad you have all these questions :D You'll have to keep on reading to find out, but yes, the man was Theo (the guy she's divorcing). There is not a new group of death eater set on revenge or anything like that, but everything is connected. I dropped clues in the coming chapter, so look for detail, and you might be able to piece a lot of things together. I'm sorry that part was confusing, I'll go back and fix it, because I usually write it on Word and then copy+paste, so the formatting might have changed slightly.

 Report Review

Review #22, by peacock Never Grow Up

17th July 2013:
It's really annoying that no one except for Albus and Rose even acts like Lily did anything wrong. Why people are so enamored with Lily is beyond me and it seems like people must only like her because of her looks because she is really self-centered and annoying. I like Rose and Albus way better than her so far. I know Rose is acting cray and over dramatic but I think she has the right to for a day or two as that would really hurt. I hope she moves on and finds happiness with people who treat her a lot better than Scorpuis and Lily. It was such a good contrast to the kind of people they are when Rose when there helping Lily after her freakout whereas Lily had just been getting drunk and tripping and hooking up with Rose's boyfriend. I really hope Scorpius isn't interested in Lily as it would be annoying to have another guy wanting her. And it's sad that Scorpius threw away not only his relationship but also his long friendship with Rose over a kiss with Lily and I hope he actually tries to make it up to her; although their relationship seemed to have problems already. I wonder what Rose's secret is, something about cheating I think? Even though I really dislike Lily's behavior at this point, I do feel bad for her losing her mother and I am interested in what her visions are about; I'm thinking she's linked to Ginny somehow. And while I don't yet understand Ginny's reasoning, Lily seems to have inherited her mother's selfishness that hurts the people who care about her.

Author's Response: This chapter was actually quite difficult for me to write. The thing is we don't really get many points of view from outside people, but it will become apparent in the next chapter that people are upset with Lily. This story is about fixing your mistakes and learning to mature, and I will tell you that Lily has A LOT of maturing to do, also in later chapters there will be other characters doing things you will not necessarily agree with. Another thing, and I am making this explicitly clear: Lily will at no point in this story get together with Scorpius, at all, ever. I really do hope that you haven't lost interest in this story, because the characters have A LOT of maturing to do.

 Report Review

Review #23, by Courtney Never Grow Up

17th July 2013:
I'm sorry but Lily is the one who needs to grow up. I feel bad for Rose that everyone is acting like she needs to get over her justified anger and hurt in one day and no one seems to even feel bad for her except Albus at times. Cheating is a big deal and being drunk is not an excuse. I personally hate when people say that thinking that means they can do whatever they want and not have to face any consequences. Maybe Rose is handling this badly and overreacting a little, but she has a right to be upset and hurt and not to get over it in a day so Lily doesn't have to deal with her selfish mistakes. I really dislike lily and find it extremely annoying that everyone fawns over her as she is really selfish and I hope she has to actually suffer for the hurt she causes people. And I hope Rose doesn't get back with Scorpius if he is going to keep acting like a jerk, like he didnt' do anything wrong and doesn't even feel bad. I'm glad that Albus is on Rose's side at least. And I feel really bad for Hugo and hope he can find some people to support him, as Lily does a pretty crap job at that too. I'm interested to find out more about Ginny.

Author's Response: I'm not going to try to beat around the bush and try to be nice or anything, but I've seen you leaving not very helpful reviews on other fanfictions as well. The fact that you put a nice comment after a very rude, degrading, and overall unhelpful and completely useless review, just shows that you are an utter cow who enjoys degrading other people's work, because you have not an ounce of imagination in that very infinitesimal brain of yours. So you can kindly go away. And please never read this or other stories again.

 Report Review

Review #24, by randomwriter Prologue

15th July 2013:
Hey :)

Oh my god. I could feel my heart beating throughout this chapter. You've left some loose threads and I suspect that it's on purpose, to engage the reader. The Suspense Factor, if you may! Anyway, I'm going to continue with this sometime. I can't wait to see what happens. You've got me hooked!
Though I found the narrative slightly disconnected here and there, I think it worked with the feel that you've given.
Good job!

Author's Response: Thanks I'm glad you've enjoyed this. Yes, the loose threads were on purpose, but I'll tie them all in throughout the story. Ah anyways I really do hope you continue this.

 Report Review

Review #25, by KiwiOliver Kiss and Tell

14th July 2013:
Hello, me again, sorry for the delay. :p

I had to pace myself with my review thread, I know it may sound a bit mean, but I told myself I had to save this until last. Because I enjoy it so much if I read other stories right after I may not like them as much!

This story is becoming one of my favourite on-going fic's on the archive!
Ohh, a Potter Party, aren't they the best! I think it's cute that there's a boy who's crushed on Lily for a long time, it makes her seem a lot like her namesake :)

I also like how this story has a nice Potions master, for some reason a lot of stories have horrible ones and I can't help but think Potion making would be a cool thing to teach!

The line towards the end of Lily's first section about Nic, was really good, you can put a cliff-hanger mid chapter. Not many people can say that happens! And yours are awesome too!

Now: Roar. What can I say about that? I love it, it's a brilliant idea, and I'm stealing it and selling it for millions? (Joking) I think that word just sent this chapter from a ten out of ten, to a thousand out of ten :) I don't know why I just love it! You incorporated a cool word without it being cheesy, or over the top ect. A lot of people fail at doing that! Trust me, it's awesome :)

Awww Poor Hugo, I feel so sorry for him! A little more sorry every chapter, the poor guy :(

I like how Albus is developing; the bad boy smoking really adds to his character, I hope he gets the girl he wants though!

Every chapter I seem to find myself itching for more Ginny, you've made her so intriguing! I love her! Well, I love your portrayal of her; my heart will always belong to Dominique Weasley.

The multiple character build up to the screaming was 100% amazing, with each part I found myself begging to find out what it was, and you sure delivered!

The cliff hanger ending was also so amazing! I can't believe Lily got with Scorpius! :o *gasp*

You're officially the best character builder in the world. Ever. If you asked me to give you some CC on your characterisation, I'd laugh at you for being so silly! It's perfect!
The same with your plot, you have so many interesting things going on and there's never a dull moment!

Overall, I love this story, with all my heart!
I can't wait for the next chapter, and I hope my review was worth the wait!

Forever your number one fan

Author's Response: Thank you so much. I was having a really bad day today, and your review made me smile. I just uploaded the next chapter today, and it'll probably be a while until it validates. I'm so glad this is one of your favorite stories, it's one of mine too, which is surprising, seeing as I'm really critical of my work, and hardly ever like it.

 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login

<Previous Page  Jump:     Next Page>