Reading Reviews for Monster
  
4 Reviews Found

Review #1, by MissesWeasley123 Monster

6th January 2014:
Hello Janelle! Here for the 11th day of 12 Days of Reviewing :)

I think you did a really good job of setting the mood for this story. It was dark from the very start, as soon as that first line made it's impact. Your job was well done, it was fascinatingly dark, which was great.

You also conveyed emotions brilliantly as well :)

Now for constructive criticism :P Firstly, I don't know if you have to do it, since this was published back in August I believe, but fixing the spacing might help a bit :) Which brings me to another thing -- paragraphs.

You seemed to be doing this a lot, especially when it wasn't needed, for example here:

Not even Lucius', the friendly little one with wide, joyful eyes; Dobby.


But Rabastan felt, deep, deep inside him for an unknown, jarring reason, that he was responsible to help this House Elf.

As if Regulus was physically unable to.


I think you understand what I'm saying. You were breaking up your paragraphs, and that's okay, but try to only do it when you need to make impact. Paragraphs should at least be 3-6 sentences, unless ones you are separating for emphasis. If that's a problem try adding more description. Think about what Rabastan sees, feels, smells, etc. That will make your writing great.

Overall, I thought you did a good job with this piece. The flow was good, and it told a different story!

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Review #2, by marauderfan Monster

27th August 2013:
Hello to my fellow third place in the Death Eater challenge! I really enjoyed reading your story. Your use of really short, simple sentences was very effective in creating a bleak mood - it was very matter of fact and kind of showed how Rabastan has just been fed all these facts he's supposed to believe, and I got the feeling he's just going through the motions because he doesn't know what else to believe - because his sister in law is so powerful, he feels she must be right, etc.

I'd never imagined he would be close to Regulus but I really like the way you wrote their friendship. The end was really great too - how he feels like a monster without a soul because he's just continuing fighting even though his heart is not in it. But I think it says something for him that he was loyal to Regulus in the end :) Great work on this!

Author's Response: I'm so glad you liked it! I was very nervous as to what people would think about this. I wasn't sure if the short sentences were too choppy or if they worked. I'm glad you think they were good! Thanks!

-Janelle


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Review #3, by APerkins Monster

12th August 2013:
Hi Janelle, Im going to review, because I really really enjoyed reading this story. I thought your use of dramatic sentences and descriptions was really good, and the story was great!
I loved the way you kept the sentences short for impact, but didnt skimp on the details or descriptions where appropriate.
I like to try and put constructive criticism in reviews, but Im a little bit hesitant in this circumstance, because it may not be anything missing from the story so much as it is that I'm an idiot. Im trying to work out why Rabastan is a monster?
He's got a little piece of humanity in him that you refer to, and it is hurt/damaged died when Regulus is dead. But instead of giving himself over completely to the dark side, Rabastan makes sure that Regulus' mission: to take down the dark lord; continues.

That seems like a redemptive, good quality? Maybe im just looking for a disney ending. Now yes, Rabastan continues to fight for the dark lord, but his heart isnt in it, really. He's just waiting to die isn't he? Going through the motions?
It seems sad and despairing and futile and pointless, and .. did i mention sad? really sad, I guess I just dont see it as vicious, heartless, cruel, or inhumane. they are the first words I think of when I hear monster, so I feel like Ive missed something somewhere.

And I feel really bad, cause this is now a really long review, with the most of it being trying to explain how Ive missed something, when actually, the reason I wanted to review was because I enjoyed reading the story so much!

Overall, loved it :)
Anthea

Author's Response: Hey Anthea!

Thanks for leaving a review here. I'm glad you liked it. The monster part of the story, is that Rabastan feels as if he's a monster, you know? He's depressed and feels pointless. I guess you're right though when you say that the "Monster" factor isn't quite incorporated in it, but that's what I felt that fit best to his feelings. You know? Anyway, I'm so happy for this review, it made me smile! I appreciate the constructive criticism, everyone needs it, in my opinion!

Again, I'm so happy you loved it!

-Janelle


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Review #4, by quixotic Monster

11th August 2013:
Hi! I'm here to review your entry for the Death Eater Challenge.

Once again the amount of imagination and creativity on this website has astounded me. That was one great story. Your pauses and breaks give such a dramatic edge to an already hair raising tale. I was at a loss for words once I finished it. It's very rare that a story can hold my attention for its full length, something which you have managed to do pretty well.

Your plot was definitely a unique one. I never would have imagined such a close friendship between Rabastan and Regulus. After reading your story, I feel stupid not to have thought of it in the first place. They were both teenagers desperate for that five minutes of glory. Both had no idea what they were really getting into.

The pain felt by Rabastan over Regulus' death was very well written. I really felt those emotions at that moment, you know? Great job.

Overall, I liked the story a lot. Thanks for participating in my challenge!

Author's Response: Thanks so much for enjoying reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. I put a lot of time and effort into this, and I appreciate your admiration! This review made me smile. Thanks!

-Janelle


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