Reading Reviews for Against the World
  
18 Reviews Found

Review #1, by UnluckyStar57 An Introduction...

1st January 2014:
Hello! On the Sixth Day of the Twelve Days of Reviewing, I will review you! ;)

This seems like it will be a really interesting story. I like the fact that Allie is a very unorthodox character--not the skinniest person, and allergic to things. That, I think, sets her apart from everyone, but I sincerely hope that she stops letting her appearance and allergies define who she is.

I really hate Albus Potter for being so mean to Allie. He is a bully of the worst kind, and I don't know if there's anything he could do that would make me like him. I don't know why he thinks he can treat her so badly--maybe he feels insecure about something? Whatever his problem is, he needs to stop taking it out on Allie.

This was a great first chapter, even though it made me sad. :( and :)

Happy New Year!

~UnluckyStar57

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Review #2, by DumbledoresArmyRocks A Pointless Death...

15th August 2013:
This is such a good story! With such a sad ending.this just shows how terrible bullying can be. I was bullied in the past because I was the only African kid in my school, and many days I'd come back home crying and I wouldn't want to go to school and face them ever again. Eventually the bullying just stopped but to this day I wish I'd stood up to them. Your story really spoke to me,well done. I loved it!

Author's Response: Thank you! Bullying really is terrible :( . That's really.. ugh... kids can be mean. Especially for something like that. Thanks for reviewing!

Cheers, SW.


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Review #3, by Anonymous A Pointless Death...

13th August 2013:
Oh gods. I was crying. Can you write more? With longer chapters? Maybe happier? Thank you. You rock.

Author's Response: Aw. :'( me too! I wish I could, but I have so many WIP stories at the moment! Maybe if I get a chance, I could write another one with an alternate ending?

Cheers, SW.


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Review #4, by The Misfit A Pointless Death...

16th July 2013:
Wow.

That was really unexpected. I mean, I kind of guessed as soon as I saw the chapter title, but I was hoping that it wasn't. Allie's death was a very sudden development - I'd thought she might make her parents take her out of Hogwarts or something, but not this. I'd recommend dropping small hints in previous chapters, because this is /Allie's/ POV you're writing in. If this was one of the others' POVs, I'd understand the shock but if Allie felt depressed enough to commit suicide, I think she'd have contemplated it before actually doing it.

There's so much regret in this chapter that it really kicked me in the feels. I mean, I've been bullied and I empathized with Allie throughout this story, but Molly's description of how she, Willow and Albus feel... awww. And I'm glad that Allie's death really brought Albus to his senses - it's sad that something so traumatic was what it took, but it would have been worse if he hadn't been bothered by it.

The school attending her funeral was so typical of teenagers - pretending that they care. I'd like to think that Molly, Willow and Albus did more to take care of bullied kids after Allie's death, and that it taught them something. Reality's so sad.

I'd advise just adding more information to this story to really get into the characters' POVs, but you've done brilliantly conveying emotions, especially through dialogue.

Good luck with the challenge! ♥

Author's Response: Yeah - it did occur to me that I could just take her out of the situation, but this was for a 'real life' challenge, and teen suicide is a major, real-life problem. You're right, and when I do go back over this and edit I'll add in some more details.

I'm glad you felt something when reading it - I actually cried while writing this chapter. Those three aren't really antagonists. Albus was insensitive, and stupid, but in this chapter you do see that he cares.

I do think that Allie's death shaped Molly, Willow and Albus into more understanding people. This was a real-life challenge - I wasn't trying to write a fairy-tale where Allie turns into a confident, self-assured person.

Thank you so much for your reviews!

Cheers, SW.


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Review #5, by The Misfit A Confrontation...

16th July 2013:
I'm not trying to be harsh or anything, but the first sentence of this chapter really confused me, and I wanted to point it out because it's the very beginning of your chapter, so it is important. You've got a good story here, and I wouldn't want a confusing beginning to spoil that ;) You said that Allie's going to the Great Hall for breakfast, but you've already mentioned in previous chapters that she eats separately, in the hospital wing. I strongly recommend fixing that - perhaps you could make her go to the first class of the day and that's where she runs into Albus, Molly and Willow (I know Molly's a year older, but perhaps she's got a free lesson so is off to the library?) - I'd find that more realistic and in keeping with the rest of what you've written before. :)

I like Allie's confidence here - you've portrayed very well the effects of looking up to someone and trying to mimic them. Molly and Willow were good at standing up for her, but Allie /is/ right, they've never done that before so why are they doing that now?

Allie's ideas of there being a conspiracy between Molly, Albus and Willow is believable, when you take into consideration their past actions. It's certainly not surprising that she rejects Albus' apologies. Although I'd like to see some more characterization on Albus' part, particularly regarding the peer pressure he claims he's under. :)

And you've ended on a very intriguing cliffhanger! :D It definitely makes me want to continue!

Author's Response: Not harsh at all - I missed that, thanks. I think I added something in to explain it. :)

Thanks, Allie is intrigued by Molly and Willow's abilities to be more confident, so she's really, really trying. And yes, they haven't stood up for her before, so now she's kinda angry and upset.

Yes, I think when I go back over this and edit, I might add in a paragraph in Albus' POV, just to show people that there are two sides to every story.

Cheers, SW.


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Review #6, by The Misfit A Bit of Wisdom...

16th July 2013:
Oooh, Allie's getting confident! Although it's very realistic to see that it's not perfect confidence and can fade as quickly as it came. First in the Three Broomsticks with causing attention and storming out, then instantly regretting it, and later in History of Magic when she stands up to Albus but loses it before she can follow through with her retorts. I like Willow's characterization too, and Allie's surprise at discovering that Willow does feel nervous sometimes is understandable - when you're bullied, you tend to believe other people's facades because you're made to think you're the only victim, and you've shown that really well.

I'd suggest adding some more description and substance to this chapter though. While you convey Allie's thoughts and emotions well enough through the dialogue, having some more description to flesh the chapter out would really improve it :)

Author's Response: Thanks! Yeah, I like that she's gradually realising that she /can/ stand up to people, but she just isn't suddenly amazingly confident. Allie thinks that nobody else has issues with socialising and being made fun of. She's just beginning to understand that they do.

Yes, it all does need more description. It's my annoying tendency to write a lot of dialogue, but not much describing the situations.

Cheers, SW.


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Review #7, by The Misfit A New Friend...

16th July 2013:
(Oh, and I forgot to mention in the last review, Gryffindor and Hufflepuff take Herbology together. I'd advise you to change the class that Allie is skipping to keep the story canon, or at least explain why the class schedule was changed. Just my opinion here!)

I really liked your first and second sections! Molly definitely shows her Hufflepuff qualities here by offering to be friends with Allie. She strikes me as a really nice girl, trying to do what she can to help, considering she's just fifteen. And the conversation topics she chose are actually realistic for a fifteen-year-old girl trying to make friends with someone she doesn't know at all. Just be careful about stereotyping Hufflepuffs - we aren't all stupid. Tonks and Cedric certainly weren't. ;)

The last section, I think, needs most expansion. Why would Molly, who you've previously depicted a nice girl, take Allie to a lunch meeting that includes the boy who bullies her? I know Molly and Albus are cousins, but personally if I was Allie, my brain would jump to the conclusion of "conspiracy!". Also, why would she voluntarily sit at the same table as him? If she felt pressure to impress Molly and Willow, it didn't come through as much as it could have done. I would pay the most attention to that section when you do your edits :)

That said, you've done fantastically in showing that even though Allie has made friends with Molly, she still suffers from her lack of confidence and that's not going to just disappear. Well done on that!

Also, I loved the line where Willow congratulates her for still being alive! It's a very uplifting line that helps to stop the chapter from being /too/ down :)

Author's Response: Oh, yep, missed that. I'll fix it when I have some free time.

Thanks! I love Molly, she's so wonderfully nice! I hope I'm not over-stereotyping - I certainly don't think Hufflepuffs are stupid.

Yes, that section does need improving. As I've said before, this is just a rough story that I had to write very quickly for a challenge. Thanks for the pointers :) .

Allie is too unsure of things and herself to simply suddenly become super-confident. I didn't want to write her like that; it isn't realistic.

Thanks, I like Willow - she can be really good at diverting a situation.

Cheers, SW.


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Review #8, by The Misfit An Introduction...

16th July 2013:
Ooh, interesting start! I really like how you've portrayed Allie's vulnerability here, although I'm intrigued as to why you chose Albus to be the one who bullies her, considering that he came across very unsure of himself in the DH epilogue - although I suppose a lot could change in three/four years!

I think the second half needs a bit more depth, though. Allie mentions that Molly doesn't like to be associated with her - but what would make her think that? Especially as Molly comforts her a couple of sentences later. I think you could expand that section with a little more explanation as to the characters' motives, but overall, this is a good beginning to your story! :D

Author's Response: Thanks! Albus has been peer-pressured and made some wrong decisions. It just seemed to me that he would be a character maybe who would be more easily influenced.

I personally think the whole story needs more depth - it was only a quick short story written for a challenge and it needed to be posted quickly. In the future (near or far) I'll go through it and add more to it. Allie is like the school pariah - nobody really wants to be associated with her. Molly didn't really have anything to do with her beforehand, as she's a year older.

Cheers, SW.


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Review #9, by luvinpadfoot A Pointless Death...

15th July 2013:
Oh wow, I really wasn't expecting that ending at all. I didn't really expect happy, but that felt very sudden. Wow.

That being said, I do kind of like how it ended. It seemed to work with the story, it did seem realistic. Although I wanted more, a lot more (I'm greedy like that and this was a good story!). The characters were really just starting to get so good.

Molly's reaction, Willow's and Albus's too, seemed really good. I like that the other students weren't really affected much because in reality they probably wouldn't have been.

And I love the line about everything going back to normal, but Molly hating that it did. I think that's the way a lot of people feel after someone they care about has passed away, no matter what the cause. That line just really hit me hard.

I still think my only critique is what I said before about slowing it down. I think this story could benefit a lot from an extra revision where there's more description, a little more time to get used to things. I like the way it ended, it just came out of nowhere. A few hints earlier on that Allie was close to being pushed over the edge or giving up wouldn't be amiss. Honestly, just a little more time in each situation, each scene and character.

Other than that it was really great! I loved it so much! Everything Allie went through seemed realistic and like things real teenagers would do, like the ending and things just going too far. I think there are very few things crueler than teenagers.

Albus made me sad in the end. The way he thought it was all his fault and Molly couldn't contradict him because in a way, it was. (In way...more like it just was.) I know I'm not really supposed to be on his side, but I hope things turn out all right for him, and don't end the same way as they did for Allie.

But this was a lovely story and I'm so glad I read it! You're a very talented writer and I hope you do well in the challenge this was posted for! :)

Author's Response: To be honest, I wasn't expecting that ending either. I'd sort of planned it out in my head to be less awful.

This was a real life challenge, and teen suicide is a real problem, as is bullying and crap like that, so I thought it worked. And once I'd written it, I couldn't find another ending.

I hate how none of the other students were really affected. It's just... eurgh.

I cried while writing this chapter, just so you know. I've lost people, and I just hated, hated, hated everything when it wasn't acceptable to mourn anymore, and everything went back to the way it was before.

Yes, I plan in future (whenever I have time) to go over it and add in more detail. Hopefully I'll get round to doing that sometime soon.

Thank you! Teenagers can be very cruel (being one myself, yeah, I know).

I really feel for Albus, so don't worry about being on his side a bit. It was his fault, but he never meant for anything so terrible to happen.

Thank you for the review and critiquing!

Cheers, SW.


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Review #10, by luvinpadfoot A Confrontation...

15th July 2013:
Ooh what's in the white envelope? I can't wait to find out! It seems dramatic.

I loved the way Allie stood up to Albus! It was about time someone did! And the way Willow and Molly backed her up was very nice, although what Allie said about them not doing it before was true to. I hope that didn't make them angry or anything, because it was so true.

Hmm not quite sure how I feel about Albus apologizing after. I'm really liking that all the characters aren't as one dimensional as Allie generally sees them. It gives the story so much more depth. And is she ever going to forgive Albus, even if he does mean his apology? I think it'll probably take a lot more for that to happen, although I could be wrong.

I hate that everyone calls her piggy. That just really gets to me. I keep waiting for them to get hexed because they really do deserve it.

Oh well, onward! To the next chapter! :)

Author's Response: Ooh... white envelope... you may not like it... :(

Allie's just finding her feet in this chapter - she's realising that she shouldn't care as much about what people think of her. The bit about Molly and Willow not backing her up previously is true, which is sad.

Albus apologising kind of... adds depth to his character, I guess? He means it, but he doesn't realise just how hard it is for Allie. Allie sees things from a very narrow point of view, and now people have started to act out of what she sees as their character.

Calling her piggy is very... eurgh. I don't like it either.

Hope you don't hate me too much after the next chapter :/ .

Cheers, SW.


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Review #11, by luvinpadfoot A Bit of Wisdom...

15th July 2013:
Oh I like learning more about Willow! I think that's very realistic, that Allie doesn't realize that she's not the only one who feels out of place or shy. And the extra characterization of Willow works really well in the context.

My main critique of this chapter was that it seemed very hurried. It was good, but I felt it could be made even better if you slowed down and maybe described things a little more. There's a lot more dialogue than there is description.

But this was a great chapter and I'm enjoying it very much!

Author's Response: Willow's a very interesting person :) . Allie is a very lonely person, and she thinks everyone else has everything sorted out.

This chapter was quite hurried :/ . It's for a challenge, so I was rushing to get all of it up. I'll go back once I have a bit of free time and edit a lot. It does need some more depth.
Thank you!

Cheers, SW.


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Review #12, by G A Confrontation...

11th July 2013:
I like this story, maybe because I'm expecting it to be a redemption type of story and I love those. Allie is an interesting character and I'd like to see her develop more through the story. My only negative for the story is that your chapters are too short, I've enjoyed every chapter so far but I'm always disappointed at how short the chapters are. Please Update soon, You're doing a good job.

Author's Response: Thank you! Maybe it will be a redemption thing, maybe it won't :P
Not saying.
Allie is quite interesting...
I can't say much more, but there's only one more chapter to go...
Chapters are very short, it's just something I do with my short stories. Helps me not go overboard and turn it into a novel.
Cheers, SW.


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Review #13, by Albus Potter's Woman A Bit of Wisdom...

29th June 2013:
I'm glad that you're writing this story because not many people realise how hard it is when you're being bullied. I was bullied in the past and I remember how alone I felt even though I wasn't alone. I had my mates and though a part of me knew that, the more dominant part was sure that they'd leave me. Here I am, two years later, with the same true friends. I like how Allie is beginning to stand up for herself if only a little. It was like that for me too; I had random bursts of confidence where I would stick up for myself until they stopped being so random and were constantly there. Look, my review isn't all sunshine and rainbows. This story isn't perfect and needs a lot of work. Perhaps you could make the chapters longer or something? I look forward to any updates
-Albus Potter's Woman
(Ignore the name, it's just what I review under for any fanfics)

Author's Response: Thank you. Bullying is terrible, and it really does ruin lives. I'm sorry you had to go through that :( . Friends are the best things out there. I'm trying to make it seem as realistic as possible (hence the name of the challenge).
Hey, maybe instead of saying my story needs work, you could point out some things that could do with taking out/fixing/elaborating?
Cheers, SW.


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Review #14, by teeheemarauder24601 A Bit of Wisdom...

29th June 2013:
I'm really enjoying this! I like the way that you keep it simple, you don't go off on a tangent when you're explaining things, which is nice. You'll just have to watch that you don't skimp on the detail; I want to see what she see's and feel what she feels. I'm really looking forward to the next chapter! Keep up the good work! :D

Author's Response: Thank you! I like writing in my little simple style, although sometimes it irritates me. I can write more... complicatedly, but I prefer not to. Besides, I think it works well for this one.

Hmm... detail. I'll remember that :) .

Thanks for reviewing again!

Cheers, SW.


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Review #15, by luvinpadfoot A New Friend...

25th June 2013:
I like this chapter a lot! It was so realistic, how people act. And I love that Allie's life isn't suddenly perfect, she's still got issues with her new friends. Small issues, but they're still there.

I must admit, I'm a little bit suspicious of Molly. She seems nice enough, but you never know. I'm interested for a lot more of her and Willow deepening their friendship with Allie!

The explanation at the beginning was perfect. I think that's how a lot of people feel, that everyone hates them when they're really just an easy target. Teenagers can be very cruel about that. Well, anyone of any age I guess.

Great chapter! I'm really enjoying this story and can't wait for more. Especially what's going to happen with Albus. :)

Author's Response: Thank you :) ! That means so much to me; seeing as it's for a Real Life challenge! It was never my intention to have Allie suddenly being confident and able to overcome her situation. I just didn't think that was very realistic. She's a person, who's been bullied most of her Hogwart's life, and she's not going to be suddenly popular.

Molly... Molly is just a nice person. She's just having trouble understanding Allie's problems. As is Willow.

The explanation... yeah, I think it about sums up why she's being bullied like that. People will be cruel about that - anybody who is the slightest bit different...

Thank you for reviewing! Next chapter shall be up shortly :)

Cheers, SW.



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Review #16, by bookdark_weasley A New Friend...

22nd June 2013:
Interesting. I'm looking forward to finding out more about all the characters. Surprising turn up, Albus Potter in Slytherin, because he really didn't want to be at first. But I like it.

Author's Response: Thank you! Hopefully some light will be shed on the whole debacle sooner rather than later, eh? I've always thought of Albus in Slytherin, to be honest. I think the Hat would've picked up on the conversation he'd had with his dad, and then it would've gone from there.
Cheers, SW.


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Review #17, by teeheemarauder24601 A New Friend...

20th June 2013:
Coolzers bro!! (I just had to say that ;))

This isn't my usual style of story, but I'm actually loving it! I love the set-up of everything! Although I do think that Molly and Allie suddenly becoming friends was a little abrupt, but it's no biggie!! Good job!! And I love Willow! :) Keep up the good work!

Author's Response: Hahahaha! ;)

I'm glad you like it :) . It's not my usual sort of set-up, too, but as it's for a challenge, I decided to be a little bit different! Molly's friendship proposition is a little weird, but Molly's just such a kind person. Hopefully I'll be able to get some scope on that, and deepen it a little. Willow is my favourite :) . Always.
Cheers, SW.


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Review #18, by luvinpadfoot An Introduction...

7th June 2013:
Aw I feel so bad for Allie. I'm glad she ran into Molly at the end though. Maybe the beginning of a new friendship?

And Albus is so cruel to her! I really can't believe him. Hopefully someone will knock a little empathy into his thick skull.

I can't wait to read more, I really liked this first chapter!

Author's Response: Allie is such a - I don't know - no words. Poor, poor Allie. Molly is awesome. Molly will fix things. Or will she?
Albus, the little bully. He's only picking on her to look 'cool'. Gah. Hopefully they will!
Thanks for reviewing!
Cheers, SW.


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