Reading Reviews for Makes Me Wonder
  
32 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Gaius Scipio The Only Chapter

11th August 2014:
Hi Randomwriter,

So despite being a guy I do go enjoy fluff every now and again and this one was very enjoyable, well worth the read. It was a little risque, but I thought you pulled it off rather well. I am looking forward to reading more.

Gaius

Author's Response: Hello there :) I'm glad you enjoyed it. This review really put a big smile on my face. I admit that I don't write too much fluff anymore, but I am venturing out into the genre again. Just a little. I know this is a little risque, and hearing that I managed to pull it off is such a relief!

I hope that you will visit again sometime. This review was a treat to sign into! Thanks again :)


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Review #2, by P. K. The Only Chapter

5th August 2014:
That was charming and fun.

Author's Response: Thank you :) I'm glad you like it!

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Review #3, by xMsFiggx The Only Chapter

20th July 2014:
Loved it. Sweet, fluffy, perfect. Well done! Particularly liked the line about Rose being comfortable with other peoples' discomfort. She sounds very confident, and I like how you portrayed her. Also loved reading from Scorpius's POV. Probably will go read it again :)

Author's Response: Aw, thanks :) I'm glad you enjoyed the story, and my characterisation of Rose. She isn't written this way often, I know. Please do read it again, if you want to. I'm not complaining ;)

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Review #4, by patronus_charm The Only Chapter

16th June 2014:
Hi Adi!

I loved Rose and Scorpius! Scorpius especially as he just cracked me up so much and made me laugh a lot. Well, actually Rose did too, and I love their snarky humour as it just bounced off of one another so well and showed why they went together. Another thing I really liked was how it felt as if they had this pull to one another and this magnetism (gah, stupid clichť but couldnít find another word) and even though they hadnít seen one another in a while all their feelings were still there and it would be hard to rip them apart.

That scene where Rose goes round to Scorpiusí and sheís all wet from the rain was so cute and I loved it so much. Just their chemistry, interactions, everything really, was fab and I loved them together. Iíve seen you write this pair a couple of times now and I really like how you manage to show a different side to them each time as thatís a real skill in my opinion.

Even though they had so much history together they still felt so at ease with one another and that was great because I always feel as if my characters are just awkward or maybe itís because Iím an awkward person :P Either way, the way you wrote the fluffiness with the hint of depth was really great and I loved this story and it was just a fab Scorose!

-Kiana

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Review #5, by Aphoride The Only Chapter

3rd April 2014:
Hey there - stopping by from our review swap!

So I wasn't sure at first if I was going to drop by on this, seeing as you have loads of reviews on this - but, I love Rose/Scorpius, so I decided to stop by anyway!

I love how you characterised both Scorpius and Rose. How they're similar, and so different, and how they work but sort of fell apart. And I liked how we saw Scorpius through his actions, and Rose through his eyes. It was a great way to do it! I liked how Rose was a free spirit, even though she'd been popular and clever and sporty - sort of perfect, really, at school - but it hadn't all been as easy as might as assumed. The little detail about her hiding for 'admirers' and friends and people to go is such a bittersweet little thing. I liked Scorpius too - how he seems so fixed on her and still misses her, and how he seems so easily embarrassed by normal things - like the condoms in the shopping trolley! Such a funny inclusion! :P

I love how you started it after Hogwarts, and after they'd had a relationship. It's such an unusual starting point, you know - mostly it starts with the beginning of the relationship, rather than sort of after it - and I liked it! I liked how they had this really tangible awkwardness about them at the beginning when they first met and he realised it was her, and then how they relaxed and got on with each other and had this great camaraderie - laughing and joking. It added depth to their relationship which I really liked - it offset the ending, I think.

One quick thing: you might want to look at combining some of your sentences, since you tend to use a lot of short ones in a row, when you don't want to build up tension or anything. If you switch some of the phrasing around, then you can combine them, and it'll flow better :)

I really like this, though. I like how sweet it is and how realistic it seems. Not everyone has those perfect relationships, not everyone gets the girl they want at the beginning, you know. It's such a sweet story! :)

Aph xx

Author's Response: Hi there, Aph! ^_^ I'm sorry for this super late response!

I'm glad you decided to drop by. I think I'm a little attached to this story because it was my first one-shot and I had so much fun writing. Reviews are always welcome :)

I'm g;ad you like my characterisation and portrayal of them. I know that this isn't how they're usually portrayed, so it's nice to hear that it worked! I tried to write them differently, but I didn't want either of them to come off seeing unbelievably perfect. So I'm happy to hear that, that wasn't the case!

Condoms=Awkward=Humour. Simple algorithm :p

I know it's rather unusual, but again, I can't tell you how happy I am to hear that it worked! I wanted to write something totally non-cliche, and that's how this fic came into existence :p I wanted them to find each other easy to be around, but at the same time, I wasn't going for something totally frivolous, so you've got it spot on ;)

Thanks for the tip! :) I'm planning to edit soon and I'll make sure I watch the sentence structure when I do!

YAY! :D I'm going to hand over a whole box of cookies to you for this awesome review! AND for calling it sweet and realistic and funny, cause that's all I went for here.

THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!! *hug*


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Review #6, by PolyJuice_ The Only Chapter

13th March 2014:
BLACKOUT BATTLE~ 14/20

OH GOOD FLUFFY STORIES! This whole battle I've been reading sad things and there's not much more room in me for sadness. :p

Aw, those two are just so cute! It makes me wonder about their past! I'd kill for a prequel. Winkwinknudgenudge. You're right, this was pure fluff and I loved it all the way.

The way Rose is just so calm about taking off her clothes, when really, I'm sure, she was worried about it all the way. Although she wouldn't have had any reason to worry. It was obvious Scorpius wanted her the minute her saw her in that shop!

Anyway. That was so very cute! I loved ut!

Liz

Author's Response: Hello :)

Haha! I know what you mean. when you're so drowned in angst that you need something to pull you out of it and assure you that happiness exists? :p Been there.

Woah. Thank you :) I'll consider writing one, maybe.

I'm glad you found it cute and funny. Thank you so much for your kind words, and for this review :)


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Review #7, by GingeredTea The Only Chapter

1st November 2013:
Hello from review Tage! This was funny and bright and the first Rose/'Scorp' I've ever read.

I did spot one typo: She carefully avoids the word that's sitting on her tongue and begins to look at the box with great concentration in stead. (I think you meant 'instead')

Like I said I have never read this pairing before so I don't have a 'bench mark' to compare it too, but it was cute and light and as you promised fluffy. You're writing was good and solid.

Overall, a good read worth a grin.

Thanks!

Author's Response: Hi :)

I'm glad you liked it and found it cute. And thank you so much for your kind words :) I'll make sure I correct my typos sometime.

Thanks :)


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Review #8, by Cannons The Only Chapter

25th October 2013:
Hey, here I am! I'm not sure what I should call it though, maybe 'I think I'm crazy' yeah.. lets go with that.

Hey there I'm here with your 'I think I'm crazy' review. (oh, and the review tag!)

I don't know if you remember but the last story I reviewed of yours was your Mrytle one shot and I loved it and left an embarrassing review about how you inspired me to write something, which is true! :L

So imagine my amazement when I clicked on this and read the first part and realised you can you do angst and fluff equally as well!

The first part made me laugh so much, I don't know if you have seen 'the walking dead', but there's an episode in there and it you reminded me of it.

They just seem so comfortable with each other and it seems like there is ALOT of history between them ;)

I sort of snookered myself by posting in the 'review tag' thread because I need to go out like right now, but I need to finish reviewing this first. So I noticed a couple of mistakes and I don't know if you wanted it to be funny but I found it so funny!

1 down ... more to go...;)

Author's Response: Hello :) I'm sorry about how long it has taken me to get here!

I can't believe you did so much reviewing. You're just awesome! ^_^ So, yeah. Crazy is good, better than good!

Haha :) It wasn't embarrassing at all. I was really touched that I managed to get you write some angst yourself! Time Marches On was really REALLY beautiful. And my 'wall of tex' review should stand proof to that!

I'm so glad you think so :) Being versatile, I think, is an important thing to have in your arsenal, as a writer; and if you honestly believe that I've managed to write both these genres well, even though they're poles apart, it makes me very VERY happy :)

I haven't seen it, but maybe I should. Lol :P I love a good laugh and I'm glad I managed to make you laugh as well!

I've tried to explore a bit of their history in this :P I didn't want to drag out the one-shot because it was meant to be a small, fluffy thing, which is why I haven't delved deeper!

I hope I've fixed the mistakes! I did send this in for editing :P And yes, I wanted it to be funny. I'm happy you thought it was!

Thank you for this review of beautiful-ness. Made my day again! :)


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Review #9, by milominderbinder The Only Chapter

2nd October 2013:
Hiya! Maia here from review tag :)

So, this was really really sweet. I read your story Myrtle the other day which obviously super angsty and I really liked your writing there, but it's clear you can write fluff really well too! (I think I preferred Myrtle but that's just because I have an angsty soul :P)I thought their relationship here was really cute and really well characterised. You showed really well their comfort around each other and that familiarity which I think made their relationship so believable here. I really liked that you put them both in Ravenclaw. That's almost always how I write them too, and it's really nice seeing a slightly different and much more realistic (in my opinion) characterisation of their relationship than you often see in fic.

My only mild criticism is that I noticed a couple of minor grammar mistakes. The main thing I'd point out is that in most of your speech, you're typing either like "Example." said Mrs Example, or "Example" said Mrs Example, and it should go like "Example," said Mrs Example - with a comma. When you use speech tags (the thing following something in quote marks which tells you who said it), the speech is still part of that overall sentence. And you can't start a sentence with a verb ("said") and not attach it to something. Like, you wouldn't say "danced Mrs Example." as a sentence by itself. I'm not sure how clearly I'm explaining this - if I'm being confusing you might be better off googling it! I'm not a very good teacher :P Hope I helped a little though! But yeah, that was the only consistent grammar mistake I noticed, other than a couple of formatting things like inconsistent paragraph spacing which is totally understandable because HPFF's chapter editor is really weird about spaces :P

So, other than that, I thought this was super cute and I really liked it! You had a really fresh take on Rose and Scorpius' relationship, with refreshingly original characterisations of both of them, and I thought it worked really well. Your plot was cute and super fluffy (always a good thing) and it was funny too! Well done!

~Maia

Author's Response: Maiaaa! It's taken me forever to respond. I am so sorry!

Aww, thank you :) This was the second story I wrote for fanfiction and it was lots of fun to write. I always like to see a review on this one! I'm glad you think i wrote the well. I know that there are plenty of stories about them, and that you find this entertaining and different is very nice to hear :) I happy to hear that you liked the characterisation and found this quite realistic :)

I know the dialogue tags are a bit wrong on this. I've rectified it actually. I had an edited version that I thought I'd put up, but after seeing your review I realised that I hadn't put up the version where I've fixed it, so I've taken care of that now! Thanks for telling me :) The formatting is one of my greatest nightmares, because I keep changing it in hope that it comes out alright, but I've always stuffed something up. I'll fix this too :)

Yay :) That's what I was going for! And I'm glad you liked it. Hope you had a good laugh! I really appreciate all the praise, especially about the characterisation and everything you mentioned at the end! It was really sweet of you :)

Thanks for this lovely review. And I'll drop you a line when I write something angsty next ;)


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Review #10, by silverashes The Only Chapter

19th August 2013:
Hi, hi!

Firstly, I ADORE Rose and Scorpius. I adore them with all my heart plus more! I also love fluff. So this is the perfect combination of fluff and Rose/Scorpius! I really liked the way you chose to write from Scorpius's point of view! Usually people choose to write from the feminine view point, but I love reading it the other way around! It's so unique!

I think you did a really good job characterizing the two. You might need a little background on why they're so comfortable with each other. It's a little confusing at first because I wasn't entirely sure that they had known each other before they met at the convenience store (which by the way was a hilarious scene).

I think your humor came across well! I thought it was an amusing story. The characters were portrayed very well! Absolutely lovely!

xx Rachel

Author's Response: Rachel :) You sweet person.
Your review is like a box of melty chocolate. I love it :)

I LOVE Scorpius/Rose too! I'm glad you like them, and fluff! The perfect combination sometimes. I love thinking through his head. It was so much fun to write in that way :)

Haha :) I'm delighted at the feedback for that scene. I'm glad you found it funny :D I shall look into it, and I promise that when I edit this, I will take that into consideration.

ThankYou :) It's really sweet of you, and I will be requesting again :P


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Review #11, by Erised The Only Chapter

17th July 2013:
Hello!

Aww, this was really cute :) I like how Scorpius was the sensitive type and that Rose... wasn't. Haha! It's usually the other way round so it's nice to see a different characterisation once in a while. They definitely seem like a good match for each other though by the way you've written them.

I like the situation in which they reconnected again - it was quite natural and pretty funny! How embarrassing for the both of them. ;) also good on Rose for taking the initiative at his flat! Yay for the last line too, so sweet :)

Nice work!

Author's Response: Hi there :)

Thank you so much :) A little bit of a role reversal is always healthy, I hope :P I'm happy that you think I've written them well, and that they's make a good match!

I'm glad you liked the situation and setting. It's funny, but natural for two people with a history to bond like that, I guess :p

Thanks a lot. This review has made me very happy :)


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Review #12, by ginnypotter242 The Only Chapter

15th July 2013:
Aww :) Scorose is one of my favorite ships. I think you handled their relationship very well. I like how you had them both in Ravenclaw, instead of Gryffindor or Slytherin (or both). I like how you also had them as friends- not best friends, but not enemies. It was different and I liked your take on it. The scene in the shop was great. Their banter was hilarious. Their history was great as well, and you captured their feelings towards one another perfectly.

Great writing, and no major mistakes that I can see! The humor and fluff was perfect in this story.

~Sara

Author's Response: Hi :)
ScoRose is certainly my favourite pair.
Thanks for this great review!

I know that it's a different story, and it feels amazing when I get some love for it! I'm glad that you liked the my break away from their usual relationship and personalities. I'm glad you thought that it was, and that I was able to do justice to feelings.

This is one of those reviews that have made me really really really happy! :)

No, seriously. RIDICULOUSLY happy :)


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Review #13, by blackballet The Only Chapter

11th July 2013:
This is so cute. It reminds me vaguely of dramione, which is awesome, because then you can kind of tell that they are related on some level.

Author's Response: Hi Blackballet!
As much as I dislike Dramione (No offence meant!), I'm glad you found something in this that you like!
Thanks for the review :) I'm glad you found it cute!


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Review #14, by MissesWeasley123 The Only Chapter

11th July 2013:
This was SO good! Like UHMAYZING. I was cracking up too while I read it for some reason... :')

Author's Response: Well, humour is one of the main genres. So I'm glad to know I didn't totally fail at that!
Thank you so much :)
This was very sweet!


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Review #15, by BluebirdBrigade The Only Chapter

11th July 2013:
Hello! Here from the review the person above you thread :) This was comepletely adorable, I ship Rose/Scorpius so much and I thought this was quite a unique kind of story that showed their relationship in more than just one way. I love how you showed Rose's bossy nature rather than just described that she was bossy and I loved Scorpius's little internal rants. It was really sweet and funny - I especially like the way you started the whole story off with the 'I wonder why' sentences. Even though this is a oneshot, you managed to really make their relationship bloom and I loved how Scorpius was getting more flustered as Rose sort of seduced him, it was really nice especially because a lot of stories I've read always have Scorpius as the one who comes on to her rather than the other way around so it was great to see you mix it up a little. I think it would have been cool if you'd ended the story with a 'I wonder why' sentence to make it sound all the more slick but I did actually really like the way you ended it. While I felt it went just a little but too fast, it was quite adult-like and was quite consistent throughout. Overall, I really enjoyed this story and I didn't see any grammatical errors or anything so kudos for that! Awesome job!
Maz x

Author's Response: Hello, Maz :)
This is one of those reviews I want to take a screenshot of and keep with me :)
It makes me feel so positive. I'm really happy you liked this story.
A lot of reviewers have mentioned how it's nice to see them in an all new light, and as I was saying in an earlier review, I really love Next Gen because of the freedom we have. We can write them however we want to. So, I've tried to do this in a different way. Something fresh, if you may say. So, when you tell me that it works, I feel like doing a little happy dance :)
As I've been saying, I really do want to edit this when I get the time... Maybe then, I might tweak the ending a little. I'm not sure right now, but I'm very happy you liked it :)
Thank you!


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Review #16, by mel The Only Chapter

10th July 2013:
loved it was funny enjoyable shame it was the only chapter

Author's Response: Haha :)
Thank you so much, Mel.
I've written some other ScoRose fics too.
Maybe I'll do a sequel someday or another one-shot with these too!
Thanks!


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Review #17, by HeyMrsPotter The Only Chapter

8th July 2013:
Hello! I'm here with your very late review!

I love a good fluff story and this was no different! I really like the personalities you've given Rose and Scorpius in this, the beauty of next-gen is that the kids can be anything we want them to be. This is the first time I've read a story that has portrayed Rose as a...shall we say free spirit? And both of them being ravenclaw was a nice touch too. I think the pair had really great chemistry in this and their banter was hilarious, I especially liked Scorpius' "must be a Weasley" comment when he was looking out of the window.

A couple of bits of spelling/grammar errors I spotted:

"Sorry in deed" -indeed is all one word.

The bit where she says "what Malfoy? Like I asked you to." I wasn't really sure what that was referring to, as they were talking about her ex, unless she knows that he wants to rip her clothes off? I think maybe that bit could use some clarification.

Other than those two little details, this was perfect fluff!

Author's Response: 'The Perfect Fluff'.
Ah :) This sense of achievement is washing over me right now. Thank you :)

I'm glad you liked those little touches. I was aiming to write them differently.

And that is what I love about Next gen the best too. Since JKR hasn't given us a lot on that, we can feel free to play around a bit :) It gives a lot of creative freedom to the writer.

And I'll be sure to edit this when I find the time. I'll fix everything and make this clearer :)

Thank you! :)


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Review #18, by lovethepotters The Only Chapter

7th July 2013:
After receiving your lovely review, I thought I'd have a look at some of your stuff, starting with this piece. I'm so glad I did as well - it's a wonderfully-engaging Rose/Scorpius one-shot :)

I think you've done a very good job in establishing both Scorpius' and Rose's characters as quickly as you did. They're both hilariously funny and witty, which makes me so happy they got together in the end!

I also liked the fact that both of them were placed in Ravenclaw. It makes the possibility of a relationship between them much more likely than if Rose was in Gryffindor and Scorpius was in Slytherin. I wonder how Ron and Draco would have reacted though, maybe (if you go back to editing this someday) you could include their reactions on their children being in Ravenclaw? Just an idea though :)

I just have one major point of CC (sorry for pointing it out, I'm just trying to help your story to flow better!) Some of your phrases are a bit clumsy and difficult to understand. For example:

"One fall to the ground and they all spill out"

"I stare and the strips lying on the ground."

If you manage to fix up the ambiguity, the story will flow much better :)

All in all, thanks for the great read! Sorry if I've bored you with all my thoughts. Keep up the good work :)

Author's Response: EEE! :D A review from you!
I remember your work. And I really love it. I'm beyond happy that you have something to say about mine!

that' my main challenge when it comes to one-shots. You don't have the liberty of taking a couple of chapters just to set things up and establish everything. You just have to dive right in! I'm glad you liked my characterization and style :) And the fact that you did find it funny and witty is great! It's what I was aiming for :)

And yes, I was going for something different... And putting them both in Ravenclaw was both different and realistic, in my opinion.

And don't worry about it :P You were the one who told me to never be sorry for CCs and I do follow that. they are incredibly helpful :)

So, someday, when I get the time, I'll edit this. I'll fix the random fragments and make things clearer for the reader. Maybe I'll add in Ron's and Draco's reactions too. Let's see :)

Thanks for this wonderful review! Looking forward to hearing from you more often :)



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Review #19, by AlexFan The Only Chapter

22nd June 2013:
Aw, that was actually really cute which is something I'd never thought I'd say when reading something like this.

I remembered seeing this on the humor section and I told myself I was going to read it but I never did. The summay caught my attention because it was the beginning of the story and I thought it was pretty hilarious. I promised myself I would read this but I never did so this is the perfect excuse for me!

I thought that your story flow was very good but the transitions between scenes seemed a little bit sudden to me.

Rose was one sassy girl and I don't know where she got her nature/personality but it sure as heck wasn't Hermione or Ron. Then again, there isn't much said about Rose so you can pretty much write her any way that you want.

I adored Scorpius, I thought he was funny and cute and especially the end where he said Rose wasn't getting away from him. That part just made my heart melt and I was like "awww."

All in all, I think you've got a really nice one-shot here.

Author's Response: Haha, I wonder why! But I'm glad you found it cute :P

It's nice that you somehow got to read it anyway! :P It's quite funny though, that you already wanted to read this, and I happened to want you to :P

I'll work on that in future :) I'll make my scenes more descriptive, so that the transition is smooth.

It's a different take on Rose, I know. But I wanted her to be quite out-there :P

I know I'm the one who wrote him, but I kind of adore Scorpius too :) But then again, I kind of adore him anyway! In almost all the fics I read :P

Thank you so much for this review :) I'm glad this story made your heart melt! It's exactly what I was going for :)


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Review #20, by Elphaba and Boyfriends The Only Chapter

20th June 2013:
Hi, Elphaba here with your requested review!

First of all, I really like Scorpius's voice in this piece. It's refreshingly frank. I think your use of humor and characterization are strong overall, however, there are a couple of awkward moments near the beginning. The first one is here, where I'm not entirely sure who the dialog belongs to:
"'How many does a pack have? 24?! Ha! That would last me and-'

She stops dead."
I think this is Rose talking, but the paragraph break makes it unclear. What would have come after "and" if she continued to speak? I get the sense that she was about to say "you," referring to Scorpius, which is very subtle but funny once I figured it out. :)

The other odd bit is this remark: "'What, Malfoy? Like I asked you to.' She huffs." I'm just not sure how this dialog fits with what Scorpius said just before. I was expecting her to directly address his "clingy" remark.

The rest of their dialog in the piece works really well. The flirtatious barbs and they exchange are great:
"'Sweet Merlin, Rose. Why the hell didn't you cast a heat charm on yourself? It's freezing. And wet.'

'Thanks for the observation, Captain Obvious.'"

There is one more spot where it's not clear who it is speaking: "'So?'
The accusatory glance returns.
'Do you realize how frustrating it is when someone you still have feelings for randomly says that they've never been in a serious relationship since you rejected them? A decision you've regretted since.'" This is great dialog, and I'm pretty sure it's Rose speaking, but I had to read through it a few times to make up my mind. I would just remove the paragraph breaks to clear up the confusion.

I think the story flows very well. The scene breaks are well-placed, and I also like your inclusion of their backstory in the middle. It ties together nicely with the ending, when Rose says "yes," to a relationship.

This was fun to read, great job! :)

Author's Response: Hello Elphaba :)
Thanks for taking the time to review this! :)

I know stories are usually written from Rose's POV and not Scorpius'. I'm glad you liked this change :)

Thank god you got that slight joke! :P Maybe it's too subtle. But I didn't know how else to put it, so I continued with Scorpius trying to quickly divert the topic to her ex-boyfriend, Steve., so that it wouldn't be awkward!

Thanks for telling me that conversation flows well. I was a little worried about that!

And I've been meaning to edit this, because I get that the dialogues might be sort of confusing. You got that right though! It was Rose! :P

Thanks for reading and reviewing :)
Means a lot!


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Review #21, by Dahlia Bailey The Only Chapter

20th June 2013:
you are really good writer. :)

Author's Response: Gee, thank you so much! :)
I feel so good right now :P


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Review #22, by confusedlover The Only Chapter

20th June 2013:
Very lovely.

Sweet and cute and fun and a very enjoyable read. Great job with this, keep up the awesome work!

Author's Response: Thank you so much ^_^

I'm happy you enjoyed this and think so highly about this. I'll write another 'fun' one-shot sooon! :) I hope.


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Review #23, by 800 words of heaven The Only Chapter

17th June 2013:
REVIEW TAG!

So really, I should be reading chapter 3 of your other Sco/Rose story, but I couldn't resist the allure of "pure fluff".

You were right. This was pure fluff. Made my night, it did. Now I'm in a super good mood! I liked how both of them were so comfortable around each other. A somewhat reversal of stereotypical roles with Rose and Scorpius (in that, she was worshipped, rather than he) was also quite refreshing.

Awesome job!

Author's Response: Haha, I almost expect that it will be you who will review my work because of review tag :) I don't mind at all. You're such a great reviewer!

I'm touched that this made your night and made you happy :) That's the thing about fluff. It makes us all warm inside :)

I'm glad you liked my characters! Breaking away from the stereotypical moulds, yes!

Thanks a lot ^_^


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Review #24, by DarknessIsMyOnlyFriend The Only Chapter

17th June 2013:
That uncomfortable moment where you feel all eyes on you, the moment you go out to buy something like condoms. You described it well. Uncomfortable usually breeds clumsiness. It was a normal experience, funny because you didn't force anything into it.

I like how you made Rose such a popular girl. Seeing as her parents weren't really part of the in crowd themselves. They were known, surely, but not really popular. She is very brazen though, isn't she. Perhaps a bit much? However, I did like how she played on his obviously discomfort.
And Scorpius in Ravenclaw. It makes it more realistic that they would've become friends during their school years.

While the overall story is good, perhaps you could make the scene's flow better by adding more descriptions. Perhaps by describing the scenery a bit more. What did the shop look like, what aisle were they in. But also when you cut to a new scene; you could make the transition clearer by saying. After the shop he went home. Or; a few days after the incident in the shop he was looking out of the window of his London home(or whatever town). And then go on to describe a few more details about what he sees outside or what the inside of his home looks like. Before the redhead pops up in his line of vision.

I expected this story to be more filled with humour, but I like that you gave room to the fluff of it all. It worked well. It was a nice story.

One sentence that I didn't quite understand. "I stare and the strips lying on the ground." I'm guessing there is a typo there?
Where you say; 'I can't let you win anything'. I would perhaps make that 'I can't put anything past you, can I.' It's just a suggestion, but that was the sentence I half expected to be there :).

Author's Response: I was trying to make it as natural as I could. I'm glad that came across properly.

I always find that most people imagine Rose to be fairly bookish, inexperienced when it comes to dealing with the opposite sex. I think that there is another side we can explore, so I tried it out here. I'm happy I managed to convince you :)

About the flow, I'll keep that in mind... I guess I was focusing more on the plot and conversations between the two, that I neglected some aspects of the story. However, this is very useful because I'd never have realized it if you hadn't pointed it out!

Maybe I could've made it more humurous, but this seemed more fitting, I guess. I was going for a fluffy, feel-good story with some subtle humour. I hope I got it right! I'm glad you think it worked well here :)

Maybe that is a typo, I should look into it and edit this once. And that line (I can't let you win anything') was to signify that there was a competitive edge there, with Rose suggesting that she got more action than he did. But maybe I'll edit that too, either to make it clearer or to change the sentence.

Thanks a bunch! :)
Your review has been very helpful.


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Review #25, by WoodenFences The Only Chapter

16th June 2013:
that was amazing. I mean, you could've used any ship you wanted, and the fact that you used Rose/Scorp really made me happy.

Author's Response: Hey :) Thanks!!
I love Rose/Scorpius too, so they were my only choice really.


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