Reading Reviews for Haunted
  
3 Reviews Found

Review #1, by adluvshp Going to Hogwarts

23rd May 2013:
Hey! Here for your requested review from the forums!

I quite liked this chapter. It seems like a good start to a promising story. Your plot idea is unique, I have hardly read stories about Sirius Black's daughter. It is also interesting that this is set in the era where Percy was a first year (right?).

Since this is the first chapter, I can't comment on the plot much as you've only just set it so far (which is what one should do for a first chapter so you're on the right track). I'd like to say though that so far it seems good. It has interested me to know how people are going to react to her etc. I also liked how you gave us little details about her life, such as her mother being an author, and her liking cats etc.

Her attitude is also nice, not a Mary-sue as she seems to be straightforward but at the same time a good person. Make sure you maintain that balance of positive and negative in her personality for future chapters too.

The way you've described everything is very fitting too as it does seem to be expressed from the eyes of an eleven-year-old, which is commendable, as a lot of authors write very mature narratives for children and that comes across as unrealistic, but you did good work.

Some CC I have for you is that you should work on your grammar. There are some misplaced punctuation, wrong spellings, and awkward phrases in the narrative which disrupt the flow.

Also, you tend to switch tenses from past to present and back throughout which is not very pleasant. I'd suggest to pick one (preferably past tense as in "I went to class" instead of "I go to class") and stick to it.

Maybe, you should consider getting a beta for your story who could proof read and help you with this stuff. As for your characterisation and plot related CC, I have none to give you as I think you seem to be doing good with those.

Good work so far. You have room for improvement so keep writing =)

8/10
Cheers!
AD
(AditiDraco95)

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the wonderful review. Percy is meant to be a second year, actually. I'll have to re-look at that scene to see where I could clerify more. As to Grammar, thanks for pointing it out, I know it is my weakness and I'm going to get a beta reader as you suggested. I'm glad that you seem to like the story so far and that Morgane is realistic and not mary-sueish. Thanks again for the review. I'll re-request for chapter 2.

 Report Review

Review #2, by Maelody Going to Hogwarts

23rd May 2013:
Hey, Mae here with your requested review! :)

OK, to start off, I really like that she's Sirius' daughter. It's not something that happened, but I've seen it done before and I always enjoy the stories created from it. :)

That being said, I was a little confused about her and her mother's situation. While it doesn't go into too much description on where they live, it sounded so small and compact that I couldn't help but think that maybe they're a little poor? So was confused as to why her mother was just passing out Galleons without much fuss, only to learn she is a famous author. I would assume this explains her having the money, but why do they live in such small quarters? Or did I misunderstand?

Other than that, the story was very nice, and I think Morgane is a cute character, with a very hot head for an eleven year old. Elvira is really sweet as well. I'm about the same age as Jessica (Rowling's daughter) and I know if I met her on my way to school, it'd be so exciting! So I know exactly where she's coming from on meeting Morgane. :)

Overall, the story seems very good and I like the idea you have going on here! :) It'll be fun to see it grow for the whole seven years at Hogwarts! Though, I might add that I felt the chapter was just a tad bit choppy. I felt like there could be a little more emotion to the character, and some more description describing just how everything looks and feels to her. It helps with filling it out and as a visual. :)

Overall, I liked what I've read so far and I wouldn't mind seeing more. I really would like to see how the rest of this progresses! :) Feel free to re-request!

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review. I can actually see where you may have gotton the sense that she was poor. In truth they are not poor but they live in a small cottage by the sea because it is far away from the city and the world which judges Morgane harshly. I'm getting a beta so i'll see what I can do to clerify more detail. Thanks again for the review and I will certanitly re-request for chapter 2.

 Report Review

Review #3, by UnluckyStar57 Going to Hogwarts

22nd May 2013:
Hi! I'm here with the review you requested, and I hope that I can be of help to you. :)

It seems like it's going to be a really good story. You've got a good background, and you've introduced people to add to the plot later on. Morgane is a pretty name, and she seems like she can hold her own in the big, bad world of Hogwarts.

I do have question for you:
Why was Morgane so forward about Sirius to Elvira? I'm guessing that we're going to get the full back story a little later on, but why was she so immediately concerned that Elvira would recognize and condemn her for being Sirius' child?

The constructive criticism that I want to give you is mainly concerned with story pacing. The beginning is great, and the end is solid, but do you think it would be possible to put more meaning and less choppiness in the middle? It seems that there are a few places where the story kind of lagged because of too many short sentences, and it would be great if you could sustain the pace by editing them just a tad. Also, a general rule of capitalization (I'm a bit of a Grammar Nazi, sorry!): When there is a title of a book, such as Murderous Saint, both words are capitalized. Professor McGonagall is a professor, so her "Professor" title gets capitalized when it comes in front of her name. And the Forbidden Forest is a proper place, so it gets uppercase letters as well.

But that's all I noticed. It's no big deal, really, but Grammar Nazis like me always notice those things. :)

Awesome first chapter!

~UnluckyStar57

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the kind and timely review. To answer your question: I'm not exactly so sure, so I'll look into it and posibly edit that scene. I'll be sure to keep pacing in mind when writing the future chapters to come. Thanks again.

 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login