Reading Reviews for The Edge
  
14 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Lululuna Three

10th June 2013:
Hello again! :)

I really liked this chapter, it's certainly my favourite so far! It was great to see into Ophelia's past and learn about her parents, which is important especially for purebloods. I enjoyed the interaction between her parents, and how her mother was the one to make the first move- brave lady! :) I also really like the idea of her school, a Spanish version of Hogwarts, and I'm excited to learn more about Ophelia's experiences there. It was interesting how she even admitted that her father sponsoring St. Mungos helped her get a job there, and how it was her former colleagues - and presumably friends - who diagnosed her.

I like how Ophelia told the story of the Potters, and how it was her favourite bedtime story. It was interesting how, even as a mother, she didn't really speak with emotion even when talking about baby Harry, and how she referred to Lily as a "mudblood." I was a little confused: is Ophelia's mother a pureblood as well? I'm assuming so, since Ophelia's father was a DE and Ophelia herself seems quite prejudiced, but it wasn't exactly clear as her mother goes to a Muggle coffeeshop and doesn't have expressed blood purity views. Also, the degrading of the relationship between Ophelia and her parents was quite sad. She seemed close to her father at the beginning, as he would read her bedtime stories, but then shifts to disliking him. Did they have a specific reason for falling out?

The fact that her father was a DE is very interesting, and I'd love to know more. Was he a member of the inner circle? What happened to him when Voldy died? Are Ophelia's parents still in her life? I also would have liked more physical descriptions: what do the parents look like?

I also found the explanation of Ophelia and Malfoy's seperation and the reasons for her depression to flow quite well. It's very sad, how he left her for Pansy - though poor Pansy, ending up with Goyle! :P

I did notice a few places where the narrative flowed a little awkwardly, but nothing that can't be easily remedied! :) First, there was some confusion with past and present tense, especially during the conversation between the parents. I like present tense, as it gives the impression of a life passing or being remembered very quickly, or the more traditional past tense which would situate the history firmly in Ophelia's past. Either way would work! Also, the dialogue was a little confusing as to who was speaking, so you could consider cleaning that up. There were a few bits which struck me as odd, like her mother's "semi-formal personality": perhaps this would sound better if it were a phrase like: "elegant formality"? The line "forbidden and required alike" is another confusing line, as was "too arrogant for decency." Perhaps this should be "too arrogant to be considered a decent man" or what not? :)

It's interesting how while Ophelia's parents experienced love at first sight, Ophelia and Draco blatantly didn't. That was a great contrast. I'm also curious about Ophelia's poetry- does she still write? If that was how she dealt with other tribulations in her life, then why can't she help herself through creative outlets now? Not that I need you to answer this per say, but it's often helpful to know the kinds of questions your readers are asking. :)

Overall, great job with this chapter! I hope this review was at least slightly helpful, and you're always welcome to re-request! :)

Author's Response: Thanks to you! And I'm sorry for teh long dely in replying, I've been having difficulties with my intenet. Anyways I'm glad that you liked it and I thank you for pointing out places that didn't read right to you so I can consider revising them. I will re-request when I can.

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Review #2, by Lululuna Two

7th June 2013:
Hello again! :)

So I liked the writing in this chapter very much, and the continuation of Ophelia's voice. Her obvious love for her children was very sweet, and I could sense the confliction she feels between wanting to be there for her family and yielding to her own depression. It's sad how Draco blames her for neglecting her children, but drives her further into herself though he does, really, want her to get better. It's just a very helpless situation all around.

I only wish this chapter had been a little longer! It's a great scene, but feels a little incomplete. You might think about combining it with other scenes, or even adding in flashbacks or context into the story. I feel as if by this point in the story I'd like to learn a little more about Ophelia-her family, how she got together with Draco, the affair, Hogwarts, the war, etc.- and to learn about how she was before the depression set in. :)

So Scorpius has a sister? How old is she? Also, was anybody staying with the kids while they were away? The idea of Ophelia always being happy when her kids were near was a little contradictory, since I thought she was depressed most of the time and seemingly neglects them? Maybe instead you could say how they lit up the dark rooms when near, or were the only thing keeping her grounded and who made her smile sometimes, or something. I like the idea of them having two kids, by the way, and am interested to learn more about them. :)

I also noticed a few words which were capitalized and disrupted the flow, like "Monster" and "Neglect."

Overall this was another great and well-written chapter despite being rather brief! You are always welcome to re-request! :)

Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review. I will take careful consideration to your thoughts. All teh background from Ophelia comes in the next chapter.

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Review #3, by Elphaba and Boyfriends Four

6th June 2013:
Hello, Elphaba back again! :)

As much as Ophelia prefers to remain numb, it seems to have nothing but negative effects: "Finally I do look at myself, and when I see myself for the first time in weeks outside of my bliss, I frown." Even she seems to he dismayed at her current physical state. While he's still a huge jerk, Draco does have a point, here.

I like that Ophelia treats Greta more civilly than Draco typically treats house elves. Despite her upbringing, she seems to be less bigoted than the Malfoys. I wonder whether her views have softened over the years?

I spotted a couple of grammar issues that I thought I'd point out. The first is here: "Since Malfoy's do not divorce..." In this case, "Malfoys" doesn't need an apostrophe, since it is just plural and not possessive. And here: "Yes master Malfoy," "Master" should be capitalized, since the title becomes part of the name that Greta uses to address him.

I like the way this chapter ends: "I smile, a false smile, that only he and I would know is false, and take his arm."

Ophelia is obviously hurting, whether she claims to be numb or not. She seems to have, perhaps, realized that in this chapter. Whether she is ready to deal with the source of her pain remains to be seen. While depression is not an easy problem to "fix," I do hope she finds a way to change her situation for the better! :)

Author's Response: Thanks for such a wonderful review! Its constructive so I'll fix those things. It is my intention to have her face her depression and her pain. Pay close attention to the next chapter... when it is posted, to the end because that is what I intend to be the breaking point.

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Review #4, by DarknessIsMyOnlyFriend One

5th June 2013:
I like the idea behind this story. It could be very interesting, so I was immediately interested to see where you would take it.

One question about the depression; you mention that she did not know, but I never heard of that. Of course that could just be me. But my understanding has always been that people know when they are depressed. Of course that does not mean they will accept help.

How you described depression however, I did view as realistic. It made me angry at her husband, though. And the fact she wonders if her depression caused her marital problems, while at the same time she knows he has an affair...I mean come on. Realistically written, but it made me angry :P
While depression is different on everyone there are a few basic things that occur in most of them and they were present in your descriptions, so that was really good. Perhaps instead of saying she feels numb, you could let her think about it and not know what she feels. Then again, some do immediately understand the numbness is a feeling on it's own.

As for Draco forcing her...perhaps you could explain that a little more. The doctor was aware of their situation it seemed. Which is logical, since forcing someone into such care is difficult. A long process goes before that. Or she would have to pose a direct threat to herself and her environment, which would get her into the care for an assessment or until the immediate danger is gone.

The chapter was a good introduction, that did raise some questions. Which I think is a good thing.
I wonder how long the affair had been going on.
How long has she been depressed?
How long were they married and was it ever good?
How does Pansy factor into their lives besides being the mistress?
How old their children are and how much the current events have effected them?
I also think you could elaborate on a few things in the chapter. Like I mentioned before, on the road they already walked to the doctor. And perhaps you could show us a bit more of their relationship before. Just so it might be easier to relate to her. Get people to know her but better, before she is all depressed. And it would also let the reader get a better image of Draco, since he is quite mean in this chapter actually.

There were also a few typo's, but not much, so I'm sure you'll catch them if you looked it over again. For instance: "I was a bleak as the day itself." As bleak.
And: "There is no cure, but there is no treatment" there is a treatment is there not? Also in reality it is curable. Of course this is the wizarding world, so it could be different.

Author's Response: Thank you for the long, detailed review, All of these questions will be addressed in later chapters. Draco is not meant to be a good guy in the story so... yeah. Thanks for pointing out teh typos, i'll work on them. I really like your idea to expand the road to how she ends up at the doctor for it.

I am glad to here that you think the chapter is realistic. As to depression being a curable disorder in real life, it is not to my knowledge as a psychologoy major, curable because, it is a natural chemical imbalance of teh neurotransmitter serotonin in the brain. There is no artificial substance that will naturally produce higher levels of seraotio, but there are ones that will help to treat the symptoms. I will have to to research into this further and investigate a curable aspect to depression. Thanks again.


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Review #5, by Lululuna One

4th June 2013:
Hello, I'm finally here for your requested review! :)

I think this is a really good, strong start to your story and you did a good job of balancing context and action in progressing the story. It flowed very nicely and naturally, and I feel so sorry for Ophelia! I like how you began with explaining her difficulties and why she might feel that way.

As for characterization, I really liked the contrast between Ophelia's inner thoughts and how she is externally portrayed. She seems like a warm, intelligent and caring person, who is just a victim of depression. Thinking that she might be going insane was really heartbreaking. I'm not an expert on depression, but the way you wrote it was very tasteful and read naturally and not over-exagerated, which is tricky to do.

Draco really isn't a great guy here, is he? I thought Pansy being his mistress was very interesting, though he really didn't treat her particularly nicely. Not even making an effort to conceal his affair to his wife was quite rude, although I suspect he might have been trying to get a rise out of her. I also enjoyed the contrast in voice between the professional doctor and the Malfoys.

I'd like some more context into the story, like whether Ophelia was at Hogwarts, how they met, her role in the war and Draco's presence in the wizarding community, but I'm sure you explore all of these things in later chapters. They were just some poignant questions which came to mind! :) Although Ophelia's world seems quite internalized at the moment, I'm also interested to learn more about the state of the wizarding world during this story, and how Ophelia figures into this.

This was a great first chapter, and you are very welcome to re-request whenever you like! :D

Author's Response: I'm glad that you like it so far! Yes all of those questions will be answered in chapter 3, and I will give serious consideration while writing chapter 5 to your desire to know about the wizarding world. Thanks again for teh review and I will re-request when you are open, since I know you took this for me without havinga n opening.

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Review #6, by Elphaba and Boyfriends Three

3rd June 2013:
Hello, Elphaba back again! :)

I appreciated getting to know Ophelia's history in this chapter. This section is a bit chilling, but it's very interesting to learn what life was like at schools other than Hogwarts: "I was in my third year of school, learning values he would be proud of."

These two statements made me think: "...I learned that I had the capability to tune-out of the pain I felt all the time for a blissful numbness, where I felt nothing," and "prescribed an awful potion that impaired my ability to check-out of reality." I'm not sure that her ability to check out from reality is positive, but it sounds like she thinks it is. It sucks that Draco won't grant her a divorce, but maybe the answer for her should be to go out and have an affair of her own, or to go back to work and hire a nanny for the children?

This chapter was really interesting, and I see that chapter four is up, so I will go ahead and review that one as well. :)

Author's Response: Thanks again for the lovely review. I'm glad you liked the chapter. I like your idea for her to go back to work,I think I just may use that later. See you soon for chapter 4.

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Review #7, by Elphaba and Boyfriends Two

31st May 2013:
Hi, Elphaba back again! :)

I really like this line: "When I wasn't numb all I felt was pain, and there was a button to turn it all off, and who in their right mind wouldn't use it?" I think there's a lot of truth in it.

Draco seems just as much of a jerk in this chapter as in the last one. I wonder what his motivations are; does he really want her to get better? Or does he want to humiliate her, as she fears?

Her decision to drink is definitely ominous; is this tendency toward self-destruction a side effect of the potion? Is it temporary, or will her condition continue to deteriorate?

On to chapter three to find out...

Author's Response: Hi again, thanks for another loveley review. Yeah Draco is a bit mean to her and he will continue to be, but I;m not quite sure what my plans are for him quite yet.

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Review #8, by Elphaba and Boyfriends One

31st May 2013:
Hi, Elphaba here with your requested review! :)

I think you describe Ophelia's depression in a very authentic way. The numbness she feels, which gives way to anger when she is forced to St. Mungo's, seem very realistic. I think it's very interesting that she's not sure whether marriage or depression came first, and that they seem to play off each other in a never ending cycle.

I do question some of details of her visit to St. Mungo's, starting with: "'What floor id Dr. Hanson's Office?' Draco Replies, stiffly." I think, in the Wizarding World, Hanson might be called "Healer Hanson," and instead of "MD PHD" after his name, he might have some equivalent but wizard-sounding title. I wonder if the Healers would call this ward a "Psych" Ward, or would they give it a more wizardy name, A lot of the wards (like the Janus Thickey Ward where Neville's parents live) are named after witches and wizards, so you could always make up a name.

Finally, since he is a wizard, I think Hanson's first instinct might be to look for a magical illness. He might ask her a few questions about possible spell or potion damage. Had she eaten any potentially poisonous potion ingredients that could bring about this state? Had anyone cursed her? Had she been experimenting with magic and had something go astray? Then he might bring up the subject of depression. He might phrase it like, "The muggles have some interesting theories on your type of condition..."

I do like that he prescribes her a mood stabilizing potion and counseling; that sounds like a type of treatment that wizards would offer. I also think its realistic for her to deny that she is depressed. I'm curious to see what will happen next: how the treatment will go, whether Draco will stop cheating on her (He definitely acts like a jerk on this chapter!), etc.

Moving on to chapter two... :)

Author's Response: I'm glad that you enjoyed it. Thank you for teh review and I'll be taking your advice, and very good suggestions into account when I go back and edit... again.

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Review #9, by BellaFan202 Two

31st May 2013:
Hi! So sorry it took so long to review! I was going to do it last night but halfway through reading the chapter, the power went out. :/

Anyway, the content of this chapter was pretty good. I got into it pretty quickly and felt bad for Scorpius when Draco yelled at him. However, I wish the other kid had been in the chapter a little bit.

That being said, this chapter was disappointingly short. Almost nothing to be said about the content. There was literally one full length scene, and that's not enough for me! Gotta have a nice big chapter for a story this angsty and dark, you know?

The only other thing I can really think of to say is the grammar. I really think you should get a beta. There are words that shouldn't be capitalized that are, extra commas in some places, missing commas in other places, and just a few random other things that making reading this difficult and frustrating.

I do like the idea of this story and I hope to stick with it to the end. Please don't forget to request the next chapter! :)

~BellaFan202~

Author's Response: I'll request soon. I'm glad that you are enjoying it. I'm actually working on editing chapter leangth now that you had mentioned it. I'll work on a beta, but I did peak through my story again and fix little things I found. They are waiting for validation now. I'll hold out on chapter three until it is edited. Thanks again for the review.

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Review #10, by SweetInferno One

27th May 2013:
Sweetinferno here with your review!

Ophelia seems believable but I would suggest adding a bit more of emotion to her because seems a little flat. I don't really understand how why she is depressed or why she does anything... it made me loose interest to be honest.

Her situation is a difficult one to portray and someone people (like me) who have had serious depression may not feel it to be realistic. I would suggest adding in more inner-thoughts about why she wants to be numb and not do anything or if that doesn't go with what you want your story to be adding in how the depression feels.

The plot seems to be fairly well thought out, considering how their was tidbits of future comings to keep the reader interested (always make sure to keep the reader interested). Though I feel somethings could have been more elusive instead of coming out and just saying it. (ex. Draco sleeping with Pansy.) I was also unclear of whether or not Ophelia already knew about Draco and Pansy.

The flow of the story was executed fairly well except for a few times where I had to go back and check something. (Again, with the Draco and Pansy situation it reads at the first of chapter like Ophelia already knew of the affair but later on she acted like she had just found out. You may need to clear this up so others will not get confused.

Overall this seems like a very good start to a very good story. Very few grammatical errors which is another plus. I also really liked the writing style you have, it's very clean and well balanced, something hard to achieve in more of a drama filled story.

Keep up the extremely good work and I'm sorry if any of this seems a little harsh.
Sweetinferno

Author's Response: It doesn't seem harsh. I would just suggest that you provide more examples of where you are getting confused so I can concentrate on those. I'm actually resubmitting an edited version right now. Thanks for teh review and I'll work on making Ophelia a little more personal.

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Review #11, by MadiMalfoy One

27th May 2013:
Here's your review as per requested! :)

Since your main concern was your OC, I'll get to that later and just start with the basics. You have a few grammar and spelling errors here and there, but those can be fixed with a quick proofreading. I feel like with the plot, you kind of got off to a rough start, in my opinion, because it is very unclear as to WHY Ophelia is depressed. I feel like it should start with the scene of Ophelia finding out that Draco was cheating on her, just for plausibility and better flow. Description is never a bad thing, so feel free to add loads of it! :)

Now, Ophelia. I feel like her situation is very realistic in the fact that she's depressed about finding out Draco cheated on her. Her depression seems real, but from the POV you have this in, it's rather confusing. Is it from Ophelia's POV? Is it third person? If you go back and edit it so that it stays constant, then it will flow better overall and she will sound a little more coherent. I feel like she should just be angry with Draco as well, and not even be in the same house as him--it's a little out-of-the-norm for her to still be there if he cheated on her and she didn't throw a fit over it.

Otherwise, good job so far, keep writing! :) xx
~MadiMalfoy

Author's Response: Opehilia is NOT depressed because of Draco cheating on her and the reason she is depressed is explained in the third chapter. The story does bot revolve around him cheating on her either so I don't want to concentrate on that either too much. I will be editing to add more description and fix my spelling and grammar errors. I thank you for giving me your input, it is really helpful to know. Just for the future, I can't tell in your review what you thought was good in my story thus far and feel as though you are throwing it out the window before reading on too. Just a bit of feedback, i guess. thanks for taking the time.

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Review #12, by BellaFan202 One

27th May 2013:
Hi!

This seemed like a good start, however the chapter seemed disappointingly short. I also feel like maybe we dived in to drama that wasn't quite necessary until maybe next chapter (the affair, maybe?). I feel like instead of talking about the affair, you could have put in some background information, such as having the kids be a little bit more present, Draco trying to help Ophelia a little bit at home before taking her to St. Mungo's, and maybe having one of her friends trying to talk to her. It just kind of seemed like everything was a bit rushed.

Despite that, I feel like this has the potential to be a really good story, even though this isn't my favorite pairing (but that's okay!(: ). It seems like Ophelia is in denial about her depression, which, in my experience with a couple of friends that I've had, seems to be the case a lot of the time. (My next little bit of advice comes from personal experience, so while it is reliable, it's not how everyone would react to depression, I'm sure.) I would make her a little bit more angry. Maybe have her confront Draco about the affair with Pansy or just have her wonder angrily about why her life sucks so much. "Am I not good enough for you, Draco? Is that it?" Maybe something like that. Just advice! Feel free to completely ignore me. :)

There were several grammar and punctuation mistakes, such as capital letters where there should not have been capital letters. I would recommend either reading over and editing your chapters before posting them (remember capitalize first letters of a sentence and proper nouns) or getting a beta reader.

Thanks for requesting!

~BellaFan202~

Author's Response: Thanks you for the detailed and timely review. I see your points and I appreciate the feedback, even though I'm not so sure I agree, it will deffiniatly be something I will consider when I edit. I am glad that you think the depression aspect to my story is realistic for how I have Ophelia feel abou it. I do plan on going back and fixing the grammar aspects very soon, now that they have been pointed out. I don't feel this requires a beta, but even though I do overlook my story before posting, sometimes a second pair of eyes does catch what I don't. Thanks again for the review.

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Review #13, by MargaretLane Two

13th May 2013:
Really like the first paragraph here. You write very well.

There should be a comma after "hi, baby. I missed you," not a full stop. And the same after "he doesn't understand." It should be "'He doesn't understand,' I mutter, wrapping my arms around my son, protectively."

I really like the way you emphasise her numbness. It's an aspect of depression that's often overlooked.

And Draco again seems pretty hypocritical, giving out to her for "neglecting" her son, then interfering and sending him away when she does try to spend time with him.

Author's Response: Thanks you so much for the compliment, and as well again for the point out to things I can fix. Chapter three was just entered into the queue today so if you want to keep your eye out for it, it should be up soon. Thank you again for such a great review.

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Review #14, by MargaretLane One

13th May 2013:
Love the first line.

I also like the way you show how she feels as if she's being called insane when they tell her she has depression. Dreadful though it is, there is a stigma to mental illness and it's easy to imagine somebody reacting that way.

At the end of the first paragraph, you've started a sentence "All in All". The second "all" shouldn't begin with a capital "a".

Also love the beginning of your second paragraph. Touch of pathetic fallacy of weather about it. I'm not very good at scene setting like that, so I really admire it when I see it.

I also like the way you bring in the Mistress. It gives us the impression that this is pretty normal, that your main character is at a point where she takes this for granted and he isn't even bothering to hide it from her.

You have capital letters in a lot of places where they aren't necessary, like "frustration" and "rich".

Draco is such a hypocrite. He asks Pansy how can she sleep with him when she's his wife's friend. But how can he sleep with her when he is supposed to love his wife? He's the one cheating! Don't think I'm going to like him much here.

"St. Mungo's" is spelled like that, not as "St. Mungoes".

"'What floor id Dr. Hanson's office?' Draco Replies stiffly" should be "'What floor is Dr. Hanson's office?' Draco replies stiffly".

I like the way you portray the doctor. He sort of sounds like a stereotypical doctor.

And I like the way he irritates her. I'd be irritated too, if somebody told me how I MUST feel.

Author's Response: Thanks for such a great review! It is an eye-opener to my weaknesses, such as capitalization and some grammar. I also am glad that you seem to like the story so far. My object in the story is to make Draco be the antagonist of the story so that he can redeem himself later. I really appreciate your thoughtful critique.

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