Reading Reviews for The Orchard
  
39 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Beeezie Worms and Secrets

20th July 2015:
James's friendship with Mary is really, really interesting to me. It doesn't seem particularly close in her thought process, but it seems to be in his - and there doesn't seem to be any romantic intent in it, either. It's all very strange and confusing to me. I have no idea how James and Lily start a relationship after this, though - it seems unlikely from both his part and hers. I feel like she's lashing out at Mary because she's heard some things from Snape that aren't true and it's easier to think poorly of Mary than of her friend, which really makes me angry - she knows that Snape curses people, where the worst she can throw at Mary is that... she likes attention? Hardly a capital offense even if it was true, which it isn't. I do think it's realistic, though, and I kind of wonder Laura's run away rather than been taken away. She certainly doesn't have anyone to talk to.

Why is this the last chapter? I hope you post the next one soon - and regardless of when you post it, will you leave me a comment on my profile so I can come read it? I don't always remember to check my favorites for recent updates, and I don't want to miss this or ATG.

Ravenclaw - House Cup 2015

 Report Review

Review #2, by Beeezie Games Continue

20th July 2015:
Ooh, I know it's not the point of the story, but I love the intricacies you're working into the Marauders' personalities and relationships. For Peter to be the maniacal Quidditch fan and Sirius to be kind of "eh" about the whole thing is such an interesting choice, but when I think about it, it makes sense - particularly the former. Peter did always worship them. (Loved that scene, btw - you did a great job with it.) And aha, Sirius is talking to Eleanor! I want them to work out so badly, but... sad face. Lily really annoyed me in this chapter, though - first she insults Mary, then she drags Mary and Mafalda down to the pitch when they're clearly not interested in going, and then she ditches them immediately? Ugh. I don't blame James for not mentioning her and for moving on. Maybe moving on? Why did he want Mary to meet Helen so badly? I'm so confused and there's only one more chapter up! Zayne, I want to know what happens! Particularly with Laura. Poor Laura. Whose note Mary hasn't even read yet, I don't think. Ugh, Mary, you should get on that.

Why is there only one more chapter?

Ravenclaw - House Cup 2015

 Report Review

Review #3, by Beeezie Clock Tower

20th July 2015:
I love how dedicated Mafalda is to her studies - it's tempting to see it as simple studiousness, but - and I may be reading too much into this - with the scene and tone you've set for this story, I'm starting to see everyone's behavior in part through the lens of coping mechanisms - and through that lens, I can see why hyperfocusing on schoolwork would be an escape. The Ministry is a good reason, and it's a reason that makes sense, but I have a hard time believing that's all of it, especially since she's stretching herself so thin. Mary even seems to acknowledge that, a little, after Regulus talks to her. And speaking of which: what is up with him. I just genuinely don't get it. He doesn't seem particularly aggressive or hostile and threatening. He's just... there. Making comments. I don't get him, and I don't know what's in Laura's letter, and I so want to know both! I guess the only thing for it is to read on.

Ravenclaw - House Cup 2015

 Report Review

Review #4, by Beeezie Owls

20th July 2015:
I just realized that some of these chapters don't have any reviews at all! For goodness sake, why? This is such a riveting story! When this race is over, I'm going to have to remember to go recommend it in the story rec threads, because it's wonderful.

I appreciate the way the Gryffindors in general have banded behind Dirk Cresswell. I mean, I get that he's not particularly likeable, but it seems like a wonderful example of 1) even someone who's not super likeable doesn't deserve to be cursed and 2) people get your alliegance in certain things even when they aren't super likeable. If the Slytherins are banding together, so should everyone else. Florence actually grew on me a lot this chapter - I still think she's kind of mean-spirited, but I'm also thinking that it's her armor against stress and genuine fury, and that's something I understand much better. The reference to how her perfect sister always used to harp on intrigued me - I'm not sure if it just means that she finished school or if something more sinister is going on. (Florence is still mean-spirited, though. Mocking Mafalda about studying hard because she'll never be first in the class? Really? Florence, uncalled for.) The new rules make sense to me, especially if Dirk Cresswell was seriously injured (which he certainly seemed to be), but - and maybe this isn't where my mind should be right now, but it was an idle thought that popped into my head anyway - if there are any Slytherins who aren't into this whole pureblood supremacy thing, this must really be awful for them. That said, it's protecting everyone else, so oh well. I did find James's response really interesting, though - he seems to be writing to someone in the Order/who he trusts to deal with the situation about the incident, and he's comfortable admitting exactly what he thinks happened. I actually really, really love your James - when I'm done with this, I'm going to need to go see if you have any James-centric fics. I'm also curious about whether you've written anything about Lily, because this is by far the most flawed Lily I've read - and that's not a bad thing.

Amazing job.

Ravenclaw - House Cup 2015

 Report Review

Review #5, by Beeezie Holes

20th July 2015:
Oooh, Mary, I am right there with you. In the immortal words of Mrs. Whatsit - wild nights are my glory. (Madeleine L'Engle, I love you.) There's something particularly wonderful about a storm when it's reflecting conflict that you're feeling - it's like the weather is reaching out to comfort you. I don't know, personally if I lived in a place where every other day was a storm I'd be happy. I love storms. I'm wondering about Florence's suddenly taking to the Quidditch pitch, even in the rain - it seems like there's a lot of inner turmoil she's feeling that she needs to take out somewhere, and the Quidditch place is where she's choosing to do it. As a Beater, she's certainly got opportunity. I've felt like she's just needlessly aggressive, but I'm wondering whether she has some trauma that's making her act out, too - even if it's just the stress of the war. If that's the case, I still think she's mean-spirited, but I get it a little more. It's certainly more adaptive (IMO) than Mary's response, which is essentially to freeze like a deer in the headlights. I get it, I do, but my feeling is that it's easier to redirect momentum than it is to create it. Unfortunately, nobody gets to choose how they react to trauma. I do wish she'd open up to somebody, though, and I hope that she blows up at Lily at some point about what foul people those guys - including Snape - are. My heart went out to Dirk Cresswell (I'm assuming that's who that was?) too - what a horrible thing to have happen to you, and having someone come upon you and not offer support... I mean, again, I get that Mary doesn't have the energy to deal with anyone else's pain, but this is just such a terrible situation.

It's a wonderful chapter, though.

Ravenclaw - House Cup 2015

 Report Review

Review #6, by Beeezie Pressure Points

20th July 2015:
Huh. That's... okay, that makes her response to the trauma make a lot more sense to me. Not that it didn't before, but that brought it from heartbreaking to terrifying. I'd assumed that she just wasn't home for it, but it seems like she was home - her memory was just erased. I'm not sure if it was magical or repression, but either way - oh my god, that's terrifying. IMO, there's very little that's worse than not knowing, and I feel like you generally know when something important is missing. I'm wondering whether Mary has some experience with that, and that's why Laura opened up to her - she sensed it. I did wonder why it was so important that Laura's parents' deaths were hushed up, though - I can see it if she'd made that call, but she says that the Ministry did. People are dying left and right - what makes Laura's parents so different, and why do they think no one would notice? Regardless, though, if that's what Mary experienced - yeah, I get that. It's scary. But I can understand why Mary couldn't really deal with it, and why she couldn't look at the Ravenclaw table during the feast. She's too overwhelmed by her own pain and anxiety to take on someone else's - mistery only loves company to a point. And right now, while I still don't love Florence, her hostility toward Lily is making a little more sense to me - as is Laura's reticence to open up to her. Unfortunately, though, I wonder if that's part of what's pushed Lily back toward Snape - he's familiar ground, isn't he, and at least he likes her, from her point of view. But if I were one of her housemates? Yeah, I'd be angry, too.

Great chapter!

Ravenclaw - House Cup 2015

 Report Review

Review #7, by Beeezie Confession

20th July 2015:
Aha! Unless this is a different Eleanor, there is a connection between ATG and the Orchard! Eleanor's a fairly common name, of course, but still, it sounded like her! If that's the case, I appreciate it and approve. I love seeing little connections between fics. At any rate: I can see why it flew off your fingertips, and I certainly flew through it! (And not just because I'm speed reading for the HC, which is totally going to leave me with a headache.) This was a great chapter - I felt like you covered a lot of little stuff in ways that really added to the story, and I'm curious to see how things like Regulus skulking around and Mafalda's date play out. And then, of course, there's the revelation from Laura. On one hand, I guess it isn't surprising - something that affected her to such an extent had to be traumatic, and that's one of the more traumatic things that can happen to you - but on the other, I'm a little curious about why she wouldn't at least tell Lily, even if she didn't want to talk about it. Then again, once you tell someone that, especially someone close to you, I can see how they might not let you not talk about it. Huh. Regardless, though, I feel so bad for her, and I can see why she's struggling with magic now - though it does make me very worried for her, because I feel like she could easily be next.

Great chapter!

Ravenclaw - House Cup 2015

 Report Review

Review #8, by Beeezie Dreams

20th July 2015:
Wow. Florence, you are super, super self-centered. And I say this as someone who adores Cordelia Chase. Mafalda was pushing Mary after the nightmare in an appropriate way, but I can't imagine anyone ever opening up to Florence when she behaves like that. And, it's super hypocritical to tell Mary that she needs to open up when you hide things like mysterious letters yourself. Distaste for Florence aside, though, I continue to feel like you're really handling Mary wonderfully - there are so many little insecurities and uncertainties along with the obvious things like nightmares that make it clear to me that there's something haunting her - e.g., feeling like Sirius was always insulting her. I'm starting to see why, though - Mulciber and Avery are such nasty pieces of work, and at this point I'm feeling quite annoyed with Lily for insisting that they're harmless. No, Lily. This is not what harmless looks like. (Florence is still being a jerk, though.)

Next chapter!

Ravenclaw - House Cup 2015

 Report Review

Review #9, by Beeezie Chains

20th July 2015:
Oh, Lily. Completely harmless? Really? I have a hard time believing that, and I have to side with Mary on this one. It's interesting to see Mary explicitly turn the assumption I made in chapter one on its head, though, and attribute Lily's idealism to her being more removed from the wizarding world. I can see how that would work, too, actually. God, what happened to Mary, though? It's clearly not just "things have gotten bleaker," though that obviously doesn't help. Florence is continuing to irritate me. I was glad to see James walking with Mary instead of her - James is much more interesting and less aggressive. See, Florence, you can have fire without being a huge jerk about it and criticizing your friends. (I really don't like her. It seems almost like she's doing it on purpose, though I'm probably just a conspiracy freak.) I can see how Lily's friendship with Snape would have hurt her among her housemates, though - it makes total sense that they'd hold it against her when he was bullying and hexing them.

I am already mourning that there's not more to this story, and I still have a lot to read. Zayne, you are amazing. I'm so glad I decided to read this rather than flitting around between short one-shots.

Ravenclaw - House Cup 2015

 Report Review

Review #10, by Beeezie Ancients

20th July 2015:
You made me so excited when Laura sought Mary out, and then you dashed my hopes immediately. You are terrible. (And wonderful.) I love, though, the way that Mary's reactions are very clearly individual and based on her own experiences, not gratifying the reader's reactions and curiosity. It makes her feel thoroughly developed as a character, and it really makes me wonder what's going on in her head - and in her past. Because that's the key, I think - the more I read, the more I'm convinced that there's something deeply traumatic that's happened to her. I'm not sure if it's whatever Lily was referring to with Snape in the memory in DH or something else entirely, but either way, my heart goes out to her. I also love the intricacies you're introducing in terms of her relationship with Florence - it's sad, but sometimes people fit so well together and then just... stop fitting. I feel like that's happened here - whatever Mary says, it just feels like Florence is criticizing her rather than encouraging her, even in a tough love sort of way - but regardless, it's so hard and painful to go through, and it's not something that it seems like Mary has the emotional capacity to handle right now.

Yeah, I hope I finish this before we're done with our reviews, because I'm going to keep going until I do. Zayne, I love you.

Ravenclaw - House Cup 2015

 Report Review

Review #11, by Beeezie These Walls

20th July 2015:
Ahhh, I was wondering whether something had happened to Laura. Well, you're just hammering in "THIS IS A WAR" from the get-go, aren't you? I have no idea what happened to her, but she's clearly shell-shocked and dealing with some pretty major trauma. I find the way you're having her withdraw rather than act out to be interesting - it's such an individual thing, but I've always been more comfortable with acting out than with catatonia (probably because that's how I react to stress). Florence is really getting on my nerves, though. She did last chapter as well, to some extent, but it's intensified this chapter. I like snarky, sarcastic characters as much/more than the next person, but she's not just being sarcastic and snarky - she's being mean-spirited, and it feels out of place in a setting like this. I do understand why she'd be a little peeved at Lily, but just... really? Come on. I like Mary's conversation with James much better, though it did make me realize that my assumption about her being Muggleborn was off-base. I guess Death Eaters don't discriminate - they'll go after blood traitors, too! Equal(ish) opportunity bullying/murder is such a beautiful thing. (See, Florence, that's sarcasm.) It was so interesting to hear his perspective, and I was really annoyed at Florence interrupting him.

Loving this story.

Ravenclaw - House Cup 2015

 Report Review

Review #12, by Beeezie Welcome

20th July 2015:
So on one hand, I usually try to read things with less than 2500 word chapters for TAR. On the other, I like you and your writing, so I'm going to come down on the "I will read and review faster if I'm enjoying the fic and have got a lot to say." So here I am. I'm curious, because you mentioned Mafalda in ATG, too - is Orchard set in the same "universe" as ATG?

Regardless. I really loved the juxtaposition here between Mary and a lot of her fellow students. I can appreciate meeting the train with a "Oh, come on, another year?" in normal situations, and this situation isn't normal - there's a war going on that Muggleborns are major targets in - IMO, even more so than Muggles, who can hide in a crowd a little better, and I can see that having a significant effect on Muggleborns who've got to be feeling fairly disenchanted with the wizarding world just now. However, I also felt like you did an amazing job of balancing how Mary's a little soured to the wizarding world right now. However, while I definitely got an undercurrent of that throughout the chapter, I appreciated the fact that it flowed with the narrative rather than weighed everything down with moroseness. You did an amazing job of setting the scene for the story, and you introduced a lot of really intriguing interrelationships that I can't wait to read more about. Lily's not being a prefect did confuse me a bit - I thought canon was that she was? but whatever. I'm not super invested in the Lily-the-rule-follower interpretation anyway. :P

Great job!

Ravenclaw - House Cup 2015

 Report Review

Review #13, by Unwritten Curse Ancients

19th May 2015:
Hi again! I'm back for your third review. Sorry it took so long.

First, I have to get something off my chest… OMG REGULUS BLACK I LOVE HIM GAH. Okay, now I'm done.

But really, I adore Regulus Black. He's such an under appreciated character. So even though he's kind of being a jerk in this chapter, I still loved seeing him and knowing that he's part of the plot in some small (maybe big?) way. I'm really curious what the Slytherin boys are alluded to that happened in Mary's past. I hope I didn't miss anything, but I'm assuming you're leaving breadcrumbs and we'll find out in a later chapter.

You keep drawing me in with the Laura plot line! Why did she approach Mary? What was she going to say? And why is she in Ancient Runes when she isn't usually? I'd say you're doing a great job at sustaining the intrigue/tension. I'm certainly intrigued!

And Mary. Mary is the type of person I wish I was, but at the same time I'm grateful I'm not. Does that make sense? She's so organized and studious and she's a great friend and the "mom" of the group--all good qualities that will take her far in life. But at the same time, keeping everything together all the time is HARD. She's bound to explode one of these days, and I wouldn't want to be her (or be around her) when she does. She's kind of like Hermione in that way.

Anyway, I've really enjoyed reading these three chapters. If you'd like to continue this exchange and read/review three more chapters, just let me know on the forums. (Although I think you were asking to just read three chapters and leave a review at the end… Oops!)

-- Gina

 Report Review

Review #14, by Unwritten Curse These Walls

11th May 2015:
Oh, how eerie! I really like this plot line with Laura. It's so sad, but so realistic… to be affected by war in this way… it's just… *sigh* I don't know how you do it, but you create this tone that's spot on. I think it has to do with the details you add in--just simple ones, like the candles and the birds and Mary reading a book at dawn. I need to do more of that in my own writing, because those little details have really brought your story to life. I admire that.

OMG James. Sometimes I hate him and sometimes I love him, and this is one of the times that I love him. How precious that he and Mary were childhood friends. I love that they can now chat about things as serious as war, but in a roundabout way--through talking about Wilkes, who has changed. Again, such a *normal* thing--friends drifting apart--yet within the context of war it's haunting.

Also, part of me hopes there's some Mary/James action about to happen. But at the same time I don't, because of Lily. I ship Jily always. It's not my OTP or anything, but… I hate seeing them apart. But since they don't get together until, what, seventh year (?) then I suppose I'd be okay with some Mary/James action. Yeah.

And as to your questions at the end--I still hate Florence. Why are they friends with her? WHY? I just don't get it.

- Gina

Author's Response: I hope I can continue that plot with Laura and not mess it up. I find that carrying a plot forwards I have trouble with. Or feel like I have trouble with doing so because I meander my way through a story writing those descriptions and tone into it that I think makes a story move a bit slower.

James is fun. I think it's interesting writing him from Mary's POV because we see another side of him we don't if this was in his POV or Lily's. We just see the side of their friendship and how they interact with one another. It also helps that they've just known each other so long that they are incredible comfortable with one another, even if they don't hang out all the time anymore. It's a bond that won't disappear. Furthermore, we see, perhaps, the softer side of James. He's still a bit of an arrogant toad and prankster, but people act differently or show different sides when they are with certain people. We see him this way with Mary. I have no comment on Mary/James :) That would be an interesting thought.

Thanks for the review! I hope you warm up to Florence, but it's okay if you don't. She can be really terrible. It's always good to know I can write a character realistically that people hate, so I can take that away from this :) Thanks for stopping by!


 Report Review

Review #15, by Unwritten Curse Welcome

11th May 2015:
Hi there! Here for our Swap. :)

I'm not sure where to start, so I'll just ramble off the things that I liked:

- The bit at the beginning about Hogwarts having lost its "magic" for Mary. That felt so real to me, yet I'd never considered it before--that students began to feel the drudgery of school and forgot about the excitement of their earlier years.

- When Florence threw the nail polish out the window. I died.

- The small details, like the Slytherin boys swishing their robes at her, and the gold and red sparks coming from a compartment on the train, and the fact that the girls were painting their nails on the train. It's such a *normal* thing to do. It made the characters feel real.

I'm quite curious where Laura was and why Lily was so concerned. Did something happen? Or was it just the reflection of their paranoia, what with being on the bring of war (at least I think so--is my timing right?).

I do have one question for you. And maybe you answer this later. But I'm really curious why Mary and Mafalda are friends with Florence. She's AWFUL. Like, a serious downer and a cynic and sometimes downright MEAN. She doesn't seem like any fun to be around, so I'm wondering if she's just an old friend they've hung on to or if there's some reason I'm not seeing why they're friends with her.

Anyway, I'm off to the next chapter. Enough of my rambling! :P

- Gina

Author's Response: Hi Gina,

Thanks for reading this story! I can imagine it happening to some students. Perhaps earlier for students who'd grown up with magic who weren't so enthralled with it. It was a normal part of their life so school was just an extension of that. Muggleborns may never because it's something that's so new and so different from their everyday experience. They knew what it was like without magic.

I wanted to focus on the normality of the scene. How they were just girls getting ready for another school year. Their world couldn't be filled with just odd or strange happenings. Some of it is just sitting around petting a cat or doing your nails.

I think it was a mixture of Lily being Lily (at least the Lily in my story) where she's paranoid and obsessive about certain things. She doesn't like not knowing something. Also, I think any strange happenings would, at this point, contribute to the fear of the war that was happening.

Florence. I love her. Not in the you're a good person sort of way, but the fact that she is fun to write. She IS awful sometimes. She... there's a lot of words I could use for her, but she's interesting to put into the story. I'm sure that probably says something about me, but I do enjoy her. I think you'll warm up to her as the chapters go on. She isn't always awful. Their friendship is also explained more as the chapters go on. It's probably a mixture of her being their friend since first year and so now it just sort of 'is' and the fact that there are good things about her past her cynical and mean personality that make her 'good'.

Thanks for your review!!


 Report Review

Review #16, by St. Brigid. Welcome

31st March 2015:
You set the scene well in the opening paragraphs.

Hmm, I'm now intrigued as to why she feels magic makes beasts and monsters of them all. I assume it's something to do with the wars, but it's not as if our own world is devoid of wars and cruelty.

This line - "Half her body was in the compartment the other was outside holding onto her trunk as if she was ready to bolt" should have a comma after "compartment".

I'm being REALLY nit-picky here, but this sentence sounds a little awkward: '“Ah- well-” Lily said and dithered in the entry for a few moments.' I'd be inclined to say something like, "Lily said, as she dithered in the entry."

I like the way you indicate that the book she's reading is NOT well written.

Oh, I wonder if the new Arithmancy teacher is going to play a part in this story.

"Built up a reserve of expectation so it wouldn't have thrown her so off gaurd." "Guard" is misspelled in that sentence.

I wonder what is happening with Laura. Her absence sounds kind of ominous.

The chapter ends nicely with a couple of "hooks" to encourage us to read on - the question of what's going on with Laura and the fact that the sorting hat has just begun its song.

Author's Response: Hi!

Thank you for your comments and taking the time to read my little story. Yes, there is cruelty in any world you are a part of. Perhaps Mary is naive to think she could ever escape it, whether it be war or cruelty. However, our experience is what tells us what to love or fear. Perhaps she is feeling such fear for what she is going through here.

Thank you so much for your suggestions as well. I have went ahead and made those changes in the chapter!


 Report Review

Review #17, by writeyourheartout Games Continue

15th March 2015:
Hey Zayne! ^.^

I was so happy to see you'd updated this story; it's truly one of my favorites! And this was another excellent chapter! Yay! ♥

I just love Mary. I loved her from the beginning and she grows on me more and more each chapter. I love her subtlety, her quietness (I've always been drawn to quieter characters), how unassuming she is, and her internal monologue is always so fascinating and intriuging, even when nothing much is really happening. She sees the world just a little bit differently and is highly observant where everyone else is somewhat indifferent and/or oblivious.

Your Lily is so unique; I don't think I've ever read a version of her quite like yours. There's something so... unlikeable about her! But I mean that in a good way, I promise. ;) I don't even quite know how to put my finger on it... I do thoroughly enjoy the choice, though.

The air of mystery that surrounds every single chapter, in one place or another, always leaves me dying to know more. This chapter it really started off with Mafalda. I have no idea what Peter might have meant, why it effected her so deeply, why she's seemingly such an anxious person, or anything else - which I love! Reading a story with this element of mystery and feeling like I don't know where it's headed is endlessly exciting.

Oh! And what about the Remus and Lily and Laura thing? That was strange... What in the world was happening with that?!?! I want to know so badly because I legitimately have no clue! I love-hate it! haha

Still love Florence. She's kind of awful, but also kind of brilliant, and every scene with her is great.

Your Sirius is another exceptional character, and different than I've seen before. A little less... exhausting? I mean, he's almost tame at both the Quidditch match and the party that follows, which is not a Sirius I often see. He's usually the life of these events in some fashion. I love that you chose to allow his upbringing in the Black family to effect him a little more. I think it makes sense that some of those things are ingrained in him, much as he may loath his family. But that superiority sort of complex - feeling like he's above the party - is a pretty direct reflection of his upbringing.

Also... is it bad that I'm shipping Mary/Sirius now? PLEASE TELL ME NO! hahaha Seriously, I really like them together after that conversation.

I wonder what's up with James and this Helen chick... Like, why is he (I assume) dating her? And why was it so important for Mary to meet her? Does James have some sort of ulterior motive here? Or Helen, even? Dun dun dunnn! I really have no idea, they could be totally legit, for all I know. :-p

THAT ENDING! Omg, please tell me you plan to update again soon, because THAT WAS SUCH A CLIFFHANGER! I must know what happens next.

AND WHERE IS REMUS??

I feel like I should tell you that Remus is my all-time favorite character and if you hurt him... I will be very upset. ZAYNE. WHAT DID YOU DO WITH HIM?? Seriously, he's been MIA, like, this entire chapter, and you've got me all sorts of nervous because of it! Eep!

Anyway, all of that aside, your Author's Note inquired about the Quidditch match and how you handled it, so I thought I'd comment on that as well to say I thought you did it exceptionally well! I loved the fog which added to the mystery of what was even going on out there - especially when the Snitch chase began. It was suspenseful and action-y without being too overwhelming or distracting from other important things that were happening simultaneously. It was the perfect balance of life in the stands versus what was happening on the pitch. Really well done. :)

If you're rusty at writing, it honestly doesn't show at all. Other than a few typo's or missing words here and there, the chapter read wonderfully. Here are a couple examples of those moments, though:

“*Professors, wait, who is the student?" - *Professor

He jumped * and down chanting a Quidditch song the boys had made up in their second year. - *up

Anyway, there are a handful of those little details, but that's honestly my only tiny critique! You're brilliant, this story is amazing, and I sincerely cannot wait for the next chapter! :-D

Tanya

Author's Response: Tanya!

Gosh, this review still makes me giddy. Mary is such an interesting character, but I'm always a little worried she gets overshadowed or overpowered by Florence who... is very dynamic if you want to call her that (or just horrid, i'd be okay with characterization as well). It's good to hear you really like her and think she is her own character. I love writing her even though it's a lot more quiet and contemplative than a story featuring someone like Florence or Lily.

Talking about Lily... It's easy to side with Lily because she's 'Lily' and supposed to be this great person because of what she's done. I think most will remember the good things about a person and paint them with rose coloured glasses. Especially to the son of said person. I wanted to look at her differently because I've always had trouble being able to write her. She always seemed to mary sue - so perfect. But people aren't really like that. This is me trying to find the person she was, negative traits and all, and looking at how she grew into the person we know her more for. I don't know if it'll work, but she's always struck me as a harder character to make feel like a person. I'm really pleased with how I like that you think she's unlikeable but you aren't running from the hills because of it. That sounds strange to say. I don't want her to be wretched, that wouldn't work either, but I wanted to play with her begin less likeable. Looking at things like would the other girls question her loyalty because of the long standing relationship with Snape? If she was fiery and fierce - that could also mean she was bull headed, pushy, and had a refusal to listen to anyone.

Sirius is fun to write as well. I don't think it's right to ignore all the things he's been through. Even though he doesn't believe the same as his family he spent most of his life being raised by them. That, one, must leave scars, and two, affects how his behaviour will be. He may be an extremely popular and well liked person - but I think he still would have this aristocratic air about him. It's hard to throw off everything you've raised to be. Even if you throw off the beliefs there has to be something in the behaviour that reflects who he was. I think he'd be moody and outwardly arrogant. I think he'd be exhausting in some respects - mostly when he's showing off or with James. I may be wrong, but it makes sense to me.

Hahaha, Sirius/Mary. I don't know what to say to that.

With Helen - i knew it would be weird bringing her in. I think she was working in the back of my mind since the beginning. In retrospect I should have introduced her earlier. But again, this is Mary's story and she's so focussed on other things she doesn't notice all the people James may be meeting. What I can say is the importance for Mary to meet her is that even though Mary and James aren't as close as they used to be, they have a long history of friendship. Sort of like brother/sister and in the same way it's important for a brother or sister to meet a significant other it would be the same here.

Remus. Don't worry about the bloke, he's probably kicking about somewhere. Getting into things and causing trouble ;)

Thank you SO much for your lovely review! I hope the next chapter doesn't disappoint. It will be up very soon. It's just at the beta's :) .


 Report Review

Review #18, by Ribbons Welcome

14th August 2014:
Oh darling, I love it! This story holds so much potential! Seeing how well you're writing all the characters, I can't wait to see what you do with the Marauders when they come along.

However, the serious stuff has to come sometime. Here it is: I'm finding that there are a lot of run-on sentences in your writing, a habit that is incredibly common and easy to fix.

This is an example of a run-on sentence:

Someone bumped against Mary’s back causing her to stumble forward and if not for Mafalda grabbing onto her arm she would have fallen to the ground.

If I was to rewrite that I might consider this instead:

Someone bumped against Mary's back, causing her to stumbled forward. If not for Mafalda grabbing onto her arm she would have fallen to the ground.

Do you see what I did there? Punctuation exists to organize and direct the reader, kind of like instructions. When you're reading aloud, what happens when you reach a comma, semi-colon, colon or period? You pause, for varying amounts of time. The reason run-on sentences exist and are a problem is that those pause marks are missing in important places, so that that the reader (even when they're not reading aloud) become distracted and confused. I guess it's habit, but you can feel when punctuation is missing, and it's hard to read without it.

Well, now that my grammatical lesson is done for the day, I'd just like to congratulate you once more on an excellent story. Although I might have made it seem like your run-ons were a complete tragedy, don't worry about it.

GRAMMATICAL MISTAKES HAPPEN TO EVERYONE! And they're so easy to fix, especially when they're not spelling, cause that can be a pretty nasty habit to break out of.

Number one tip when battling run-ons? Read your stuff aloud to yourself. When there's a funky sentence, you'll notice it immediately and be able to dispatch your super duper editing skills accordingly.

Sending love and the fervent hope that you will continue to write!

Author's Response: Hi,

Thank you for your advise and review :) . I know i'm pretty bad at run-ons and I think (or hope) that it's gotten better recently. I'm going to have to go back and try to make this all sound better.

Thank you for your kinds words about the story as well! I really appreciate it and I hope you continue to like it.

Cheers

Zayne


 Report Review

Review #19, by Tina Clock Tower

30th July 2014:
I love The relationship between Mary and Regulus. I hope you'll update soon

Author's Response: Do you? That's interesting I hope you continue reading so you can see where it goes! If it goes anywhere, that is :) . Thank you for your review!!

 Report Review

Review #20, by Pretense Of Perfection Confession

22nd June 2014:
Another good chapter!!!

I'd honestly say you seem a bit like me with your writing. I'm always adding in extra words that really don't need to be there. "That" is something a good example of a filler word. I do this all the time, and literally have to revise my story multiple times before I even think about sending it to a beta.

But again, great job so far!!

Author's Response: Again, thank you so much!

I'm going to go back and check on that. I know I add 'that' in like it was candy... *hides*. I'll try to sort it out so it isn't dropped in there so much!

Cheers and thanks again for reading and reviewing!! These reviews have honestly made my day!

-zayne


 Report Review

Review #21, by Pretense Of Perfection Dreams

21st June 2014:
Hey there, just wanted to say another great chapter!!

I have noticed some odd phrasing, and a few spelling/grammar/tense errors. I get stuck with this stuff as well, but just thought I'd point it out.

For some reason I thought that they were all in their fifth year, and whatever happened to Mary hadn't happened yet. I'm daft sometimes, what can I say? I now see that they are in their sixth year, and this event has already taken place. i think that explains one of my earlier questions, about why Mary viewed everything with such a doom and gloom type of attitude. I'm burning with curiosity as to what actually happened to her!!

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm glad you're still reading and enjoying it.

Gahh! I try to revise before sending it to a beta, but I find that there are things that slip by. Or I'll read it right in my head, but i've misspelled something. Or written it oddly. I'm going to try and go back and since it's been a while since I looked at it hopefully I'll be able to catch the errors! Thanks for letting me know!

Yes, haha, sixth year. I hope it doesn't seem melodramatic. Let me know if it does, I want Mary to see things in a bit doom and gloom as you say, but I don't want it to be so super angst ridden it gets annoying.

Thank you so much for your helpful review!! I appreciate it so much! -Zayne


 Report Review

Review #22, by Pretense Of Perfection Ancients

21st June 2014:
I've read the last few chapters, and just wanted to say I think you're off to a great start with this. It's been interesting to read, and I'm having trouble stopping!

Your characters are quite unique...I'm honestly not so sure about Mary at the moment, as I feel we haven't gotten to know her completely yet (it's only chapter 3!), but from what I know so far I like her! Florence is quite over the top and dramatic, not to mention kind of mean and bitter, but definitely not completely unlikable. I think she's a very realistic character. Did I see somewhere that her last name is Meadowes? I'm assuming she's related to Dorcas in some way?

I also like Mafalda so far. She seems pretty level-headed. I don't think I've ever read a fic that she was in, and while I'm not convinced she's in the same year as the Marauders, I really like how you added her in. She seems pretty well-rounded so far. Lily isn't my favorite yet, but then again I feel like she hasn't been around much. I'm assuming that will chance, based on what happens with her friend Laura.

I would like to see more about what Mary and her friends are actually doing...maybe portions of classes they are attending, etc. I feel like a good chunk of the story is Mary's internal thoughts/feelings, and a good bit about their surroundings, but so far their actions haven't really stuck out in any particular way to me yet.

I also like how Mary and James were childhood friends. It's a nice chance of pace, and honestly, something I don't think I've ever thought of, although it definitely fits and makes sense. I'm curious to know more about their relationship, especially as it pertains to the Slytherin boy that they were friends with (I can't remember his name at the moment, sorry!).

And the bit with Regulus was quite interesting as well...do I sense a Sirius/Mary/Regulus love triangle coming on? Probably not, but a girl can dream.

Author's Response: Hello!

Thank you so much for your review! I'm so pleased you're enjoying it so far. I really enjoy writing the characters, to be honest. I'm glad you find them just as realistic. Mary is a hard person to know because of her introversion and the way she doesn't speak her mind too much. It makes her harder to read, I think. Florence is very bitter and angry. It's great you picked up on that, there will be more on it later. She is a fun character though, past all of her horrible traits. I'm also somewhat pleased you don't like Lily right off. I don't really want people to. I've always read her as someone who is perfect and everyone just loves. I wanted to try and change that up to where, perhaps, she has her own things and problems to deal with. She'll eventually become the woman we read about in the books.

I'm glad putting Mafalda in isn't completely ridiculous. I'm not convinced either, but she sounded like she was middle aged from the books and it could potentially fit the timeline. She had to go somewhere so I thought it might be fun to have her here.

I get what you're saying about the actions!! I can sometimes get carried away with describing the surroundings and thoughts I forget about what they're actually doing. I think it get's better as the chapters go on, but I'll definitely come back and edit some more to these chapters, just so everyone has a nice idea of what's happening! Thanks.

It makes sense to me too, if Mary was a pureblood and so was James, they probably would have interacted. Chances are, they would interact with a few other purebloods/halfbloods as well since they don't have to worry about hiding their magic. The other wizard was Wilkes.

Thank you so much for your review! I hope you continue to read and enjoy this!


 Report Review

Review #23, by katherinesage Welcome

17th March 2014:
Your story sounds really good so far! Can't wait to read the next chapters

Author's Response: HI!

Thank you so much! I'm really pleased you think so! Hope you enjoy the rest of the chapters just as much! Cheers!

Zayne


 Report Review

Review #24, by nott theodore Dreams

25th January 2014:
Hi Zayne, I'm here with your requested review!

As always, your description and writing in this chapter is really lovely. The way you write Mary's internal monologue and describe the events that are happening around her make this a really enjoyable story to read.

I think your opening sequence, with the dream as the central focus, was really intriguing and effective. I feel like Mary's dream might have been about whatever happened last year - the thing that was referred to in The Prince's Tale by Lily to Snape? It's definitely about something in her past that is trapping her and still holding her back, and whatever it is that happened has clearly changed the sort of person that she is - the way that you include the subtle comments from James help to allude to a past that we don't yet know about.

I really liked the way that you dealt with the dream, as well. To begin with I hoped that Mary might have opened up to her friends, but I can see that wouldn't exactly be in character for her. Mafalda and Florence are nice, but I'm unsure about them as friends - they're quite self-absorbed at times. I suppose part of that is their age, and the fact that they don't seem to be as affected by the war as Mary is at the moment. The way that the dream continued to haunt Mary throughout the rest of the chapter was great, too; it seemed to lurk at the back of her mind and I felt like that was reflected in the writing. There was something hidden, unspoken, but affecting what was happening to Mary.

You asked again about the flow, but I honestly didn't think it felt that choppy. There were a few changes in scene but I think you paced them well, and there weren't any problems with that.

One thing you managed to do in this chapter was keep the war at the forefront of the reader's mind, even though other characters are ignoring it for the time being. James, however, has clearly noticed what's going on, Mary's affected by it, and there are students among them whose families have been directly affected by it too. It's this constant presence and I get the feeling it's going to grow and become more dominant as the story goes on.

This chapter definitely answered some of the questions that have been raised so far about Mary, although it didn't give specifics about what has happened, so I'm still curious to read on. Mary's clearly suffering because of her family's stance in the war, even though she's a pureblood - I imagine that she's a much easier target for them than James, and easier to get alone. As to what happened last year - definitely something with Mulciber, and I even found myself wondering whether there'd been some romance between them that had gone wrong. I'm still not sure about that, but I'd like to find out more soon.

I'm also really interested in the letter that Florence received, and whatever it is she's hiding - is it also something to do with the Quidditch? Including that was a good idea because it helped to illustrate some of the other things that are occupying the girls' minds instead of worrying about Mary.

The ending definitely felt realistic to me. Mary's emotions were well written in that section and understandable, considering the way the Slytherins treated her and the other things she's dealing with. She clearly needed some form of escape, but her resolve to behave more stoically made sense too, since I feel like that's part of what has been driving her behaviour thus far in the story.

Another great chapter, and I hope this review was helpful!

Sian :)

Author's Response: Hey Sian!

Thank you so so much for this review. Your comments are far too nice.

It definitely is connected to that in a way. It's something that has to slowly unfold and I think the more pressure that gets put on Mary the faster it will go, but at this point, it's still isn't something she's willing to deal with. I'm glad you're seeing that other part of her, the one she was before. I don't want it to seem like she was massively different, but she had a lot more courage and daring before the incident and before the war really took hold as well. But I hope it hints of what she could be and perhaps, how much she's lost. I think i'm probably taking some liberties with the incident, but I reckon this is fan fiction and there is very little information about it that I can take those liberties. :)

The dream is definitely important, but more so with the idea that she's getting nightmares and you're right, it's not in her character to really open up and talk about it. She knows her friends and she knows where their limits are. It's not like Mafalda and Florence are terrible friends, but well - there is an aspect of all this they don't understand and won't understand till later. They are loyal to her, but I think Gryffindor loyalty only goes so far. I don't really think the Gryffies were known for their loyalty so much as their courage and bravery (to the point hey become stupidly brave sometimes). But that is a discussion for another time. I do enjoy writing Florence and Mafalda, and I think another part of things is sometimes, people give the love that they think the other person is expecting.

I think i'm going to try and make the war more forefront in everyone's mind. I don't want it to be an island of just these characters lives so although i'm glad you felt the strength of it within the circle and with James, I think i'm going to try and bring the focus stronger as the chapters go on. I think that most of the year the Marauders were in school were quite dark.

The letter she received is very important to Florence and you know, it is connected to her new found interest in the sport. Very perceptive! I don't know what else to say other than that, there is a history with Florence that makes it harder for her to really focus on anything else. She's definitely selfish and self involved. A lot of growing up to do for one thing, but she also needs to deal with things.

Thank you so much for your review! I've always really appreciated your feedback! Thanks so much!


 Report Review

Review #25, by nott theodore Chains

10th January 2014:
Hi, I'm here with your requested review!

Your descriptions at the beginning of this chapter were really beautiful. There's an almost lyrical quality to your writing sometimes, and when it comes to those descriptions I can picture them in my mind's eye really clearly. I liked how you juxtaposed the serene calm in the imagery and scenery with the horrible facts about the war that were appearing in this chapter, it's really effective.

As far as the interactions between Florence and Mafalda are concerned, I think they do seem realistic. They're two different people and that comes across in their different reactions to situations, but to me that makes perfect sense. Generally I think the conversations seem to flow well and seem authentic and natural; the only suggestion I'd have is use a few more contractions in the speech so that it reads a bit more naturally. Other than that, the conversations are ones I can hear in my head and don't sound out of place for their age or situation.

I really like James's characterisation in this story, actually. It's refreshing to see him from this perspective actually - an old female friend, rather than someone who's considering him or one of his friends as a love interest. I think that gives us a much clearer view of his character, and it's interesting to couple that with the fact that Mary and James used to play together as children, so they've known each other for a long time. It's also nice to see him as a character who isn't obsessed by one thing, and who isn't so loud and outgoing necessarily as other versions I've read. I liked the subtle hint you included about him and Lily, but I feel like you're giving us a chance to like James for James rather than other reasons. It was nice to see his humour shining through here.

There were a couple of typos that I found and I'll just point out:
"Mary caught herself starring at the cracks" - I think you mean 'staring'
"seemed to indicate though that it things wasn't ended as she said" - I wasn't quite sure what you were trying to say here, but I think you might have an extra word or two!
"there was a cordially there" - cordiality
"we were passed all" - past

I know you're worried about the pacing of the story but I don't really think it's a major problem. With Mary as the main character I think it's natural for things to be paced slower than normal. If you wanted to, I think you could include a few more events to move the story along a little, but the pacing does suit Mary's reflective, quiet nature. There are still hints about things that have happened in the past and things which may happen in the future that are enough to keep me interested in the story.

As far as the backdrop of the war is concerned, I think you're doing quite a good job. Mary and James both seem so used to the idea that their conversations about the news are almost blase at times, which I think is actually something that happens in situations like this - people get so used to something they almost seem immune to the effects. I liked the fact that you showed Lily's reaction and her almost blind optimism, because I can't imagine that will be something she manages to keep in place for long, with the role she takes in the war outside. It might be nice to see a few more reactions to the war when events like this happen - younger children scared about it, etc. - but at the same time I think Hogwarts is a bit like a bubble for them and they're only touched by what's happening outside if it directly affects their family.

Mary definitely seems to be remaining consistent to her characterisation thus far in the story. It's really a nice change to read a story from the perspective of someone who's so quiet and reflective. There's definitely some things that we have to find out about Mary and I'm curious to know what they are. I'm wondering if the fact that the Slytherins are targeting her stems purely from what happened last year, or if there's something else as well, especially since Mary's a pureblood...

I want to compliment you for your characterisation of Lily in this story. I genuinely think it's the most original characterisation I've read of her in any Marauders story, and though these girls don't really seem jealous of her, it's interesting to see things from their perspective.

I hope this review was helpful, and feel free to re-request!

Sian :)

Author's Response: Hey Sian! Thank you so much for this brilliant review!

I really enjoy writing Mafalda and Florence, but they are so different and I just hope that they don't seem fake or just characters on a page. I want them to have a realness to them. I'll change eh contractions. I spent way too much time last semester writing essay's apparently. I'm glad you felt that M&F seem realistic together and as characters. Florence has always been really awesome to write because she can be funny and fun but she will always see the worst in everything and is a bit of a complainer. Whereas Mafalda is quite different from that. There personalities are constantly clashing it seems.

James! Gosh, i'm glad you like him. He's almost as difficult as Lily is for me. There are so many versions of him and so many preconceived ideas of who he was that it's just a bit overwhelming to write him. I too really like the fact that we're seeing him interact differently than most stories. I think most people act a bit differently with the different people they're with. I think it makes sense that James isn't so flamboyant or loud with Mary because she's anything but that. Also, there are different sides to a person and I can imagine that someone isn't going to always be a bully or always be outgoing, funny etc in every moment of their life. Mary knows him and I think that also helps because he doesn't have to put anything on for her. He doesn't have to be anything but himself.

Okay, well, if you think the pacing is going fine then i'm going to leave it. It does start to pick up, but it's so slow and it picks up by hints and small steps. I think i really like focusing on the ordinary sort of lives of people which doesn't always make the most exciting of stories, but I see what you're saying and agree with you that it fits with Mary's perspective. You can't expect it to be too fast paced when the main character is so quiet. That makes me feel better anyway. :)

The war is always an issue and I want to make sure that it is in their lives and I get what you're saying about bringing it out with the wider population of Hogwarts. I think i'll edit that in somehow and continue with that as the story is about all Hogwarts and not just these few characters. Lily's optimism won't last forever, obviously, not with who she becomes later on anyway. Right now though while she's still tucked away in school she's still selfish and optimistic about how great magic and people are at their core. She's been really fun to explore and create. I want her to have elements of being a good person because she has that ability, but she's always seemed so Mary-Sue and perfect to me in a chunk of stories so I've really just wanted to explore her in some way. I'm really pleased you feel like she seems real and that you like how different she seems! Sometimes i expect people to throw apples at me for making her less than perfect!

I like how you're questioning whether it's just from last year or what other elements might come into play. A lot stems from last year, but it also stems from the fact that her family is pureblood, but they don't take stance in the war against muggleborns. Sort of like a blood traitor, but not to the extent of Sirius. The MacDonalds are the sorts that would probably stand by and let Voldemort take over, but they wouldn't agree with it. If pushed hard enough, they would take a stand against Voldemort though. If someone they loved was being threaten or something. The Slytherins see it as betray though, if you're not fully in it than your against it even though you may not be actively fighting against Voldemort. That's part of it. Other parts of it will come up as the story goes on, and as it becomes clearer what happened last year. I can't say much more than that without giving it all away!

Thank you so much for your thoughtful review!!

zayne!


 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login

<Previous Page  Jump:     Next Page>