Reading Reviews for Blend in to Stick Out
  
8 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Jchrissy Chapter One

19th May 2013:
Hi there :)! Sorry about the tardiness of this review. Last month was crazy for me. Just a heads up, you may want to add a link to your AP in your signature :). You liked me to the wrong area with your story link, so having one of those is a good back up in case that happens again :). If you arenít sure how to do that, you can send me a PM and Iíll explain :)!

On to your story!

This is definitely an interesting start. You really did a great job with painting us a clear picture of Ana and her surroundings. I really liked that you slipped in her appearance while she was glancing over the daily prophet.

I know you asked about plot, but itís a bit too early to make any sort of decision on that. I think the idea of Bellatrix NOT being Bellatrix when she was killed is very creative, and I really hope you follow up with who was killed/why someone used the potion to look like her... all that sort of stuff. Once the tutor did a double take with the newspaper and Ana, I started assuming that she must be related to Bellatrix, so I was happy to see that she was her daughter!

You did an awesome job getting the readers interested with the combination of Anaís parentage and Bellatrixís escape from Bellatrix (with her still being alive, of course!)

There are a few things I would suggest to get the flow down a bit better. Like with this paragraph:

Narcissa knew that Ana hated the extra studying, but never cared. Maybe it was that she did it on purpose to annoy and aggravate her. Whichever it was, neither Ana, nor Lucias ( Narcissa's husband) would put it past her or find it out of the ordinary. Narcissa constantly was on the lookout for another opportunity to make Ana miserable.

You could smoothen it out a bit like this:

Ana was certain that Narcissa knew she hated extra studying. Despite that, the woman still insisted on it. Maybe she did it purely to annoy the teenager, which wouldnít come as a surprise to either Ana or Lucius, Narcissaís husband. It seemed Mrs. Malfoy was constantly searching for opportunities to make Ana miserable.

I really like the idea that Ana thought maybe Narcissa didnít like her because of the memories sheíd bring back in the war.

I think you have an awesome start here! Itís a creative plot, and I think with a bit of cleanup this chapter would grasp even more readers than it already has :)!

♥ Jami

Author's Response: No worries about being late, stuff happens! Sorry about the late response, so I guess we're even! :p

Thank you a million for all the compliments! They really make my day. About that signature thing, would I just put a link instead of a message or something? Oh well, I'll just bother you about it in a PM.

Thank you again for the suggestion on how to make it smoother. I'm planning on going through this chapter, re-reading, and fixing up some small stuff as soon as I find some time (Memorial weekend is a busy thing in America).

As for the Bellatrix not being Bellatrix thing, I'm not really planning on going deep into that. I might just smooth out the kinks in Bellatrix's POV, but I'm not sure on how to get more backstory in with Ana's POV. How would she know a Death Eater's motives? Basically, I'm not sure about how to add more backstory in. It would probably be something like Bellatrix was so intimidating, and already had such a reputation, that Voldy had people look like her so the death eater's would come off more menacing. Or so it would look like death eater's could be everywhere at once.

^ Okay, that was a bit long ^

Anyway, thanks again, and this was super helpful! Expect to see me again in your review thread!

-Krissy


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Review #2, by RavenclawGirl11 Chapter One

11th May 2013:
Hello! You asked for a review, so here it is! This is an un-usual plot line, however I think is a great one. Personally, I'd go back and explain it better, maybe Ana looks in the mirror, sees her Mum in her face and turns away in disgust. That would be a good opener, and could include about her arm then. Also, how old is Ana? Was she conceived before or after the war? Is LeStrange her father? Or is it Lord Voldemort?

But overall, really good chapter cant wait to see what you are going to do with this story

~ Macy

Author's Response: Thank you SOO much for the compliments, they made my day. I LOVE your opener idea, and I'm going to experiment a bit with it. It's also a PERFECT way to put Ana's hand problem in.

I was originally going to have Ana in second year, but now I think I want her to be about 10 1/2 so she can be sorted later in the story.

I'm not quite sure who her dad is going to be and I'm still thinking through that detail. But for Right now, I'm going to go with Lestrange, because I don't think Voldemort would have a child while he is hunting down Harry. One, he has other things on his mind, Two, he might be paranoid that his child would over through him, or something like that.

Thanks for everything!
-Krissy


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Review #3, by rogue_bludger Chapter One

3rd May 2013:
though i like the idea behind this, i feel as though you could definitely refine it a bit more to make it a little more plausible-sounding. I do like where this is going though, and I am looking forward to seeing what you come up with next!
~M

Author's Response: Hello!

First off, thanks so much for the compliments, it makes me SO happy. I got another review that made me see how un-realistic this sounded and am going to go back and change it very soon. Well, thanks again, this really made my day!

-Krissy


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Review #4, by Carolynn Chapter One

1st May 2013:
I'm here with your requested review!

It's intersting that Ana is Bellatrix's daughter, which I've saw in some fanfiction, but is a idea that can lead to something good.

Ana missing a hand is very oringnal, I've never read something like that before.

Good writing!

Author's Response: Thank you for the compliments! I'm glad you think it's original that was what I was goin for. Thanks for the review!

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Review #5, by Lululuna Chapter One

30th April 2013:
Hello there, here for your requested review!! :)

I think this is a really interesting start to a story and I'm intrigued to see how you'll develop it. I'm curious to see if Ana will be like Bellatrix or not: we know they look alike, but it's hard to tell how their personalities differ so far, though Ana seems estranged from her mother and a little quieter and, well, nicer. :P I'm also curious why Narcissa seems to dislike her so much, though it was interesting when she defended Ana despite not being very fond of her.

I love the idea of Ana missing a hand, I think it's very original and would give your story a fresh spin. A tip I have is to strengthen the backstory of how she lost her hand and go into detail: maybe she was hit with a curse that poisoned her hand, and it had to be amputated to save the curse spreading to the rest of her body? :)

Another interesting part which I'd like more detail about is why someone was impersonating Bellatrix at the battle of Hogwarts. Was Bella perhaps already pregnant and didn't want to fight? Was she on a different mission for Voldemort? Also, I'm excited to learn who Ana's father is, and how she ended up under the protection of the Malfoys, who don't seem all that nice to her!

Also, I think the piano teacher's reaction was a bit delayed. It seemed like she'd seen Ana before and if she thought that Ana was a dangerous criminal, wouldn't the teacher have booked it out of there without drawing attention to herself to avoid the wrath of "Bellatrix"? It might be a bit more realistic if the teacher looked closely at Ana, then pulled out the newspaper and said "wait a minute..." and then ran away shouting that there was a murderer in Malfoy manor. Just a thought! :)

Anyway, I think you have a really good and exciting basis for a story. I hope this review helps a little and gives you some ideas to further develop. I look forward to seeing where you take this, and feel free to re-request! :)

Author's Response: Hi!

Woah, this was WAY more than I was expecting (I mean that in a good way). A lot of the things you suggested I have never even thought about, and I will try to incorporate some of your ideas sooner or later.

The backstory thing is a really good tip that I'll probably add in later in the story. What about it got blown off with the same curse that blew George Weasley's ear off?

For the teacher's reaction, I'm hitting my forhead because now I realize just how unrealistic is. I certainly will change that part VERY soon.

I never really thought about why someone would impersonate Bellatrix, it just fit nicely. Maybe since she already had a reputation, having people imatate her would make the Death Eaters appear more deadly. Or maybe it would give an allusion that they could be in more than one place at once, which would create fear.

Like I said, a lot of the things you suggested I never thought about using, and this is some of the most helpful feedback I have ever gotten. Thanks!

-Krissy


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Review #6, by MadiMalfoy Chapter One

21st April 2013:
This was a good start to your story! I do like that she plays the piano, as I do myself and I love it. So if Ana lost her hand, it seems a little out of place for her to be playing piano, something that really requires two hands to play. You have some grammar/spelling errors as well here and there (Lucias is spelled Lucius, etc) but nothing major. This is definitely something different on the archives than I usually read, but it's interesting so far! Keep up the good work! xx

Author's Response: I salute you fellow piano player (do you play flute too by any chance?)!

Ana's hand thing was kinda last minute inspiration, so I forgot to change the piano teacher to a tutor. Now that you mention it, I think I'll keep her playing the piano, it'll just be one more obstacle she has to overcome.

As for the Lucias/Lucius thing, thanks for the correct spelling, I'll make sure to fix it for later chapters. It's also good to hear that I'm making less grammar mistakes.

Anyway, thanks so much for the compliments! I loved to hear that you think my work is original.

Thanks for everything, I look forward to seeing you on the archives and forums!
-katty01/ginnys twin


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Review #7, by saranghanguk Chapter One

21st April 2013:
This is the first story on this website that I've read properly. I think that the plot is original, and I am yet to come across anything similar (I use other fanfic sites).
Out of interest, who is Ana's father?
I think that this might seem less choppy and detached if it was in first person, but it also works in third, I guess.
I look forward to the next chapter~

Author's Response: Thanks for reading and reviewing! You just made my day!

Thanks for the first person suggestion, I'm planning on writing some of the more emotional and important parts in first person. I realize it's a bit choppy and short and I'm working on fixing it.

As for her father, I'm not quite sure. I know Bellatrix was married to Rodolphus, but I'm not quite sure who Ana's father is.

Once again, thanks for the originality compliment and I promise I'll get some more chapters out soon!
-krissy


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Review #8, by AlexFan Chapter One

20th April 2013:
Woah, PLOT TWIST! Your grammar was great in this and punctuation was pretty good as well. I feel sorry for Ana though because everyone will practically hate her. I feel even sorrier for her because she lost her hand. That's definitely something different in a story. I wonder how Ana is going to get on or how she does get on. I imagine things would be difficult.

Anyway, awesome job!

Author's Response: Hello! Thanks for the compliments, I loved reading them.

It's good to hear that my grammar and puncuation are getting better. I proof read this multiple times to try and find all the mistakes.

I also was happy that you felt sorry for Ana, as that was what I was going for. Her losing her hand was totally last minute inspiration. I was writing this while waiting for my mom to ring up some stuff at a store, and her cashier was missing a hand. I was just like," maybe Ana should be dis abled too."

Thanks so much for your compliments and CC, they are really super helpful and they make my day.

-katty01/ginnys twin


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