Reading Reviews for Residuum
  
9 Reviews Found

Review #1, by UnluckyStar57 Shattered

19th April 2014:
Hello! Here I am with your review! Things have been busy lately, but I finally found some time to come and read this story. :)

An Auror training camp sounds really interesting. We don't know exactly what the Aurors do to train their newcomers, so you can be really creative with that in future chapters. I think it's good that Harry, while being in touch with some of the higher-ups in the Auror division, is still required to pass the exam like a normal student. He is good at Defense Against the Dark Arts, but he still needs to learn other things and to hone his skills.

What's up with Hermione? Why has she been having those weird dreams, and why does that make her want to leave? She's acting very mysterious, especially with her relationship with Ron. I'm not sure what's going on there, but I don't think Ron will be happy that Hermione has left the camp. You did a marvelous job of setting up the mysteriousness of her actions, I think! :D

The characterization is very good! Dear old Neville--nothing will bring him down, not even a huge exam. And Harry is being all noble by giving Hermione his cloak and taking the Auror training one day at a time. It all seems very plausible, especially for the type of setting that they're in.

A note about capitalization: Both "Aurors" and "Ministry of Magic" should be capitalized, since they're considered proper nouns. But never fear! That was the only thing that seemed amiss to me. :D

As far as Angst, well, I can't see very much of it right now because it's only the first chapter and there had to be some basic groundwork laid for the action of the story. However, I could see a bit of it as Hermione told Harry that she felt tired of training and things like that. My suggestion for the Angsty-ness is that you spread it throughout the story rather than concentrating on it in big chunks every now and again. I'm not an Angst expert, but it seems to me that too much Angst in one place can be a bit overwhelming. I'm sorry for not being much help in this matter. :)

Overall, this was a really interesting beginning. Keep up the good work!

~UnluckyStar57

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Review #2, by Infinityx Shattered

15th April 2014:
Hello there! I'm here for the review you requested in the forums. Please forgive me for taking a million years to get to this! I hope it'll be helpful enough to make up for the delay.

I love what you've going on here. The premise for the story is just fascinating and there are so many ways it could go from here! This chapter was extremely intriguing and leaves a lot of questions. I'm full to the brim with curiosity, so that was a very effective first chapter. :) Now on with the chapter itself.

To begin with, the dream sequence was fascinating. It really brings in that whole grim, mysterious mood to the story and it's a wonderful start. Your descriptions are lovely there and do a great job of painting a picture of the setting and the occurrences.

In the second line, you've written felted. It should be felt there. There's also an inconsistency with which you refer to the woman. You start off by saying "young woman" and then switch to calling her a "girl". This disrupts the flow so I suggest you make it consistent. In order to avoid too much repetition you could rephrase the sentences in different ways. You could change active to passive voice, or make use of imagery to describe the occurrences instead of just stating what's happening.

It's a wonderful surprise to know that Hermione is going through the auror screening exam. In most fics, she isn't portrayed as an auror, and even in canon she didn't express the desire to become one. However, she was pleased when Moody told her she had the makings of one, so I think it's great that you made her take this path! It's sticking to canon while casting a different kind of light on her as well. I would love to know what made her decide to take this path and a bit more background to the situation, so I hope that comes in the following chapters.

It seems like Hermione is going through some kind of Post-War stress. If so, why did she decide to go down the Auror path? That's another question that sprang up and made me extremely curious.

Once again, when you're writing occurrences in the story, try not to just state what's happening. You used some wonderful descriptions in the beginning but then there's a lack of them in the rest of the chapter. Due to this, the chapter seems really rushed. You could linger a bit more on Hermione's emotions and take your time to describe the setting and what's going on.

It's interesting to see Neville there at the camp! I think it's a wonderful way of showing how he's changed after the war.

The dialogues are a bit monotonous. Try to put yourself in the character's position and express their emotions or the way they talk. That would make the dialogues more powerful. Once again, try to linger more on each scene to give as much detail as possible with regard to their expressions, the setting and their feelings.

There are quite a few places where punctuation is missing, or some punctuation is not needed. I suggest you get a beta reader to go over the chapter and help you clean it up a bit.

Poor Hermione! Something's really troubling her deeply and I hope things get better soon. :( The boys all seem so oblivious to what's happening, and I can't help but wonder why she's not telling them what's going on.

The ending of the chapter was very intriguing. It was a bit rushed so I think you should try to fit in a bit more descriptions there, to help the reader understand what's happening. Harry understands...but understands what? That could be a little more clear, unless your intention was to make it vague. In which case, that's really effective because my curiosity is unbounded.

Overall, you've got something really interesting going on here and I love the direction in which it is heading! Those small setbacks mentioned above are something that every writer goes through and are easy to fix. This was a brilliant chapter and if cleaned up, would be even more terrific.

Great start! If you have any questions or need any help, feel free to PM me. I hope you don't find this review too harsh! All my CC comes with cookies and a hug. :) Good luck and don't stop writing!

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Review #3, by luciusobsessed Shattered

14th April 2014:
Wow I really like this story! I've never read a trio fic before but this captivated me from the start. I love how you stay true to their characters, and the detail you use to describe their feelings are very naturally written.

I want to know more about Ron and Hermione. I'm sure you'll reveal more in the next few chapters and you do a great job of hooking the reader. I feel bad for Hermione. It's obvious she's suffering from PTSD but I want to know specifically what's wrong and why she's leaving. Ron's reaction will be so sad :(

All the grammar was really good, there was just one thing in the beginning you said "she was drenched in sweet." I think you meant sweat. It happens though so no worries haha.

Great story, definitely adding to my faves. Feel free to re-request anytime :))

luciusobsessed

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Review #4, by TidalDragon Shattered

4th April 2014:
Howdy! Dropping by in response to your review request.

So to start with I think your plot has interesting potential in that it takes Hermione (at least to start) down a road that is unexpected, at least based on not hearing about Auror aspirations from her in canon and what JKR has to say about her post-series in interviews. I think it's likely that the intense, militarized environment you have laid out for Auror training would definitely have the potential to cause the conflict you show in Hermione, especially so close after the Second Wizarding War.

For me, there are a few key things that keep this chapter from living up to its potential. The first of these is word choice. Beginning with the dream sequence (a nice starting point), you are a little repetitive with "young woman" and "girl". This could probably be alleviated by using she more frequently (since there's nobody else in the dream that would make the pronoun confusing) or by avoiding using the same word/phrase (young woman vs. girl) back-to-back. You could also introduce more evocative language throughout to strengthen the image or emotion the reader gets from your descriptions, internal thoughts, and dialogue.

The next is general phrasing. There are certain points where your sentences take a bit of an awkward pattern. A good example of this is "Since Voldemort's downfall, Harry had been helping with the ministry of magic to rebuild." A more natural phrasing would be "Since Voldemort's downfall, Harry had been helping to rebuild the Ministry of Magic."

Finally, I would try to incorporate a bit more depth and variation into the dialogue and descriptions. You often have a good instinct to describe something in particular, but you do it so briefly that it lacks the full effect I think you were going for and when transition away from the description it is occasionally a bit jarring. Additionally, despite dealing with speech by several different characters, most of the canon characters' words come off as interchangeably deliverable. What is said by Harry could easily be said by Hermione or by Neville and vice-versa. This is not desirable because their speech patterns and the words they use would not be the same.

I would also watch out for typos and capitalization, for example Ministry of Magic should definitely be capitalized. I think "Auror" is a title, and should be capitalized as well, though you can check the books and defer to canon on that.

All in all you have a good skeleton and I think you have the right instincts about plot, scene selection, and what you want to do, it just needs to refining to make your message as impactful as possible.

Hope the review helps and feel free to PM me with any additional questions! Best of luck going forward!

Author's Response: Hey there, thanks so much for the review. I'm glad you like the premise of this chapter, as I plan for conflict to be a major theme throughout. I found the dream sequence quite difficult to write because it had to mysterious enough to draw the audience in, but be vague enough not to give too much away. I think an element of this continues throughout the story, as there are certain things I want to hold back for a reason. One of the things I want to work on is developing my characters through their thoughts and actions, and I think the description aspect will tie in naturally. Thanks for the tip on capitalizing. For some reason I have a mental block on certain words such as Great Hall. I'm sure if I got back to it I could improve this chapter with your comments. Thanks again.

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Review #5, by Elphaba and Boyfriends Shattered

13th May 2013:
Hi, Elphaba here with your requested review!

There's definitely a lot of angst-potential with your story premise. For instance, I can imagine that living in a tent might cause flashbacks to their days on the run. You could ramp up the tension even more by having Hermione wake up disoriented and forgetting that the war is over.

I like the idea of auror trainees attending a training camp and dressing in uniforms, but I think they might call the uniform something other than "army fatigues" -- it just sounds a little to muggle. I think they might have a wizardish version of fatigues with a different name.

As far as writing mechanics and flow, I would just watch out for passive verbs that can be replaced with active verbs such as: "She poked her head inside and saw he was sat in his usual chair..." I might change "he was sat" to "him sitting."
Here is a similar instance: "...he noticed that Hermione was stood shivering quietly." I think I would just remove "was" in this case.

This line made me chuckle: "'Any idea what's happening today?' Ron asked between mouthfuls of toast." - I like that Ron eating as usual. :)

After all he went through in the final book, I can imagine Neville remaining cheerful despite the pressure (the camp probably seems idyllic to him compared to the hell that Hogwarts became under the Death Eaters) as you portray him, and I can also picture this slightly more serious, studious Harry.

The one thing I question character-wise is this: "Hermione was curious, but she knew better than to ask Harry what he was up to." I can't really imagine Harry not wanting Hermione's opinion, and I can't imagine her not asking him about it. The only reason I can think of for her to not ask him would be if she's extremely traumatized. In that case I think Harry would worry about her for not showing an interest.

It makes perfect sense that they would all be traumatized by the war, and so I can understand why Hermione would leave, even though it did come as just as much of a surprise to me as it probably was to Harry and Neville. I think this is a really interesting premise - Hermione definitely shows some angst in this set up - and I think you start off well. I'm curious to find out more about what's going through her mind, what led her to leave, and where she intends to go from here. I can imagine both Harry and Ron exhibiting a lot of angst after she leaves, too.

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Review #6, by ginnys twin Shattered

11th May 2013:
Here for your review request! First, I want to warn you that this won't be as long or as helpful as the other reviews.

The mystery seems to be very strong in the beginning, but not as strong in the middle and towards the end. My suggestion would be to re-read everything, and see where you can add a little more of the mystery. I'm curious about why Hermione left, as I see no reason (although maybe I missed her motives while cheering for my brother's soccer team. )

The plot seems to flow well, and the writing style is one that I like a lot. I LOVED the line "a single tear broke through her defences." That just is a perfect portrayal of Hermione's bravery and her feelings towards Ron. I also liked how Neville is included here. Many people seem to forget that Neville was a war hero too when they write fan fiction, and I'm glad to see you included him.

Overall, everything was great, and you can be sure I'll be here when the next chapter comes out!

-Krissy

Author's Response: Hey there,
I'm glad you think I have a strong begining, hopefully that will draw the readers in. There are a quite a few reason's why Hermione decided to leave, but it was still a difficult decision for her. Some of the reasons I have deliberately withheld, while others I have tried to foreshadow. Thanks so much for your lovely comments, they have been really helpful.


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Review #7, by hopelessDREAMS Shattered

9th May 2013:
Hey there!

So I've come to review and I have to say that it is very mysterious indeed. What I'm most curious about is the fact that Hermione simply gave up towards the end and didn't want to be there. Usually she would fight through things, including the nightmares which makes the whole story even more mysterious.

I'm very interested into seeing what happens next, so feel free to request the next chapter. :)

Author's Response: Hey there!

Oh I'm so glad that you find it mysterious, as that is what I intended. Hermione has been inwardly suffering a lot more than she has been letting on, which has manifested itself in the form of nightmares, so it is all related to her reason for leaving. I hope that all made sense. Thanks so much for your lovely review.


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Review #8, by DarknessIsMyOnlyFriend Shattered

29th April 2013:
Thanks for requesting I read this. I might have missed this story otherwise. And that would have been a shame, it seems really promising.

When I read what it was about I was instantly intrigued. First of all Hermione is a complicated character. Secondly; the subject of the story id one I haven't read before, which is always nice.

I liked the dream-sequence. It helped set a tone for the rest of the chapter. Does it have any significance in later chapters? There was no descriptions of the bodies, so that had me wondering. Where they just the embodiment of all she had seen or where they more to her.

And I love the trio still shares a tent. Reminiscent of their 7th year. Also, Hermione would be the one to notice that Harry wasn't sleeping much. So nice touch. She always was very observant.
It's also very realistic that she would doubt her future plans. After all the things they've been through, peace and quiet would sound nice, I assume.

I like how Harry did finally realise what was bothering her. Their friendship has always been one I really like. Even though he sometimes takes a while to understand her, he always does.
So far I think you've done the characters justice in this story. They all seemed very in character! All the little details seem to fit. Hermione studying long hours. Harry pulling back by sitting alone, but letting people in who try. And Neville with his optimism and overall happy demeanour.
And the fact you did all this with little dialogue is something to be praised. By showing instead of telling the reader, you really pull us into the story and that makes it easier to relate to Hermione.

And what did their tests consist off? They had a month of training and testing, and I would have loved to read more about exactly what they faced.

I enjoyed this chapter. You've said enough to pull a reader in, I think. But not too much, which will leave them wanting more. Nicely done!

Author's Response: The dream sequence is important, and the bodies are specific people, but I purposely kept it vague for the first chapter. More on this will be revealed over the next two chapters so I can't say much more on it I'm afraid.

I am so glad you like how I have portrayed the characters. I tried to show that Hermione was full of doubt on her decision to leave, but she is looking for some closure mostly, but also a break from fighting as she has not stopped since the war ended.

As for the tests, I am not too sure about the written exams, but the physical would be what I imagine a boot camp would be like, long and gruelling and test different skills. I think it would include some muggle elements like a timed run, scrambling under nets and climbing over obstacles. Then the trained aurors would shoot spells at them and they would have to dodge them. Then they would also have different scenarios that they would do in groups. They would have to storm a building and have to retrieve and item or a person from the enemy. But there would be a twist, like a trained auror playing the part of a death eater has taken polyjuice potion and you have to work out which one is your enemy. Well that is what I had in my head, but I think it would be a lot of description and I felt it would not really progress the story on much.

Thank you so much for the review and I am really glad you enjoyed reading this chapter.


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Review #9, by Lululuna Shattered

26th April 2013:
Hello, here for your requested review!!! :)

First of all, props to you for choosing Hermione as a main character. I personally think she must be one of the hardest characters to properly portray in fan fictions, since she has such a defined personality and is a very supportive and rational character. That being said I think you've done her justice here! It makes sense that after the pressure of finding the Horcruxes and the Battle, she would go off the rails a little. You did a good job of "showing," not "telling" details about her character, such as the fact that she was studying long into the night, which is of course the embodiment of the Hermione we all know and love! :)

The description of Hermione's dream was really beautifully written, and I'm wondering what exactly it means. Who were the bodies in the house? What is the significance of the nightmares? These images, and the suspenseful exit at the end of the chapter, have made me very curious as to what Hermione is up to. You did a good job of creating mystery! I think the genre of Angst fits very well too, and I feel that this story will have a lot to do with the inner battles and memories inside Hermione's head. I'm looking forward to more dream sequences like the one at the beginning!

I also really liked the training camp setting you've established here. It reminded me a bit of boot camp for the military, which I guess Aurors kind of are for the wizarding world. I would have liked a bit more description about what exactly the final test consisted of, however. Even a few lines, i.e. "They had faced down a Dementor and captured a hormonal Mandrake, then been forced to duel a cloaked stranger, blah blah..." The detail and setting is very good, but adding more sensory depictions and precise details would really bring it to life. :) For example:

"I know," Harry took off his glasses and rubbed his green eyes. His mind was strained, but he gave his bushy-haired friend a reassuring smile. "Let's take it one day at a time, you might be feeling differently by this time tomorrow." He gave Hermione an awkward pat on the back.

That was just a quick example of what I meant haha, but I think by adding a few more physical interactions and describing their physical appearances, it will help readers to imagine the scene even more fully. :)

Hopefully you enjoyed this review and it was at least a little helpful!!! Keep up the good writing, and feel free to re-request :)

Author's Response: Thank you so much. You have written such a lovely review and it has encouraged me to hurry up and start writing the next chapter.

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