1 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Lululuna Chapter 1: Jade's First Impressions

20th January 2014:
Hi there- here for review swap! :)

I think this is a really interesting beginning to your story, and I like Jade so far! She seems like an interesting character and very mysterious so far. It's quite intriguing how she's been kicked out of multiple schools and seems to have some sort of power which she finds difficult to control- I'm curious to find out more about that and what the consequences might be at Hogwarts.

I love how she met the twins! They seem like they would be quite outgoing and a little obnoxious towards new students. I think you wrote them quite well, with how they are very in sync with the other. I really liked how they were identified with one being slightly more ginger and the other with more freckles. Ginny was great too. :)

One piece of advice I have is to space out the paragraphs. Putting a line in between each new paragraph would make it far easier on the reader's eyes and help with the visual flow- little things like that can really make a huge difference. :) Also, you might consider mixing up the dialogue with description. You have some really great dialogue which I thoroughly enjoyed, but I think it might make it a little more diverse and rich if the dialogue were balanced out by more description. Here:

He nodded, "Just on one condition..." He said making her roll her eyes. I would have liked to see more statements like this, which begin with an action to enclose the dialogue. Otherwise it runs the risk of reading a bit like a script. There are also some very helpful guides to grammar with dialogue on the forums which I've found very helpful with punctuating the dialogue correctly. :)

Overall I think you have a great character and the beginnings of a very intriguing story! You developed Jade quite well and her interactions with the other familiar Hogwarts faces were very entertaining. Well done and thanks for swapping! :)

Author's Response: Thanks Lululuna for taking the time to review :)

I really should go back and look at this story since it has been awhile. I make a habit anymore of putting in too much description with text so I'll try not to disappoint!

As for formatting- it is my sworn enemy. I actually just had another story rejected solely because of the bleeding format. I don't know why spaces and paragraphs dislike me so much...

The whole magic issue with Jade is one that she will be trying to hide though the explanation is simple I just need to make the time to write it down...

Thanks for reviewing and leaving such helpful tips and advice!


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