2 Reviews Found

Review #1, by MargaretLane Chapter Two

3rd May 2013:
Do they use the phrase "shotgun" for riding up front in the UK? Sounds kind of American to me.

Generally, each time a person speaks, you put it on a new line. It's a bit confusing the way you have numerous people speaking in each paragraph here. Easy to get lost as to who's speaking.

I'm really wondering if Ginny knows more than she's letting on here. I kind of get the impression she does.

You seem to jump a little quickly from the conversation between Lily and Ginny to them going through the barrier. I realise you're showing that they don't have much time to talk, but I still think you could focus a little more on Lily's apprehension and her feeling that Ginny doesn't really mean "nothing".

You are really building suspense there. I really like the way Ginny's reaction indicates something worrying is going on, but we don't know what. Makes us want to read on and find out more. So giving it a little more time would be good.

Love your paragraph about her thoughts as she approaches the barrier between Platforms 9 and 10. Very well written.

Like the idea of a magical and non-magical twin. Would be interesting to see how it affects their relationship. I hope we'll see more of October and get to know her better.

You've said later on though that her brother is younger, so I'm a bit confused.

I'm looking forward to seeing what houses your characters will be in. I'm guessing Gryffindor for the three of them.

Author's Response: As I think you know by now, your guess is right! All three of the trio are in GRYFFINDOR! ROAR! And October's brother isn't younger, he is her twin. And Ginny does know more than she lets on... DUN DUN DUN!

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Review #2, by MargaretLane A Cyclone of Smoke

12th April 2013:
Hmm, rather an intriguing summary.

Not really sure what you mean by "I became in limbo" here. Something like "I came into limbo, suspended between waking and sleep" or something might make it clearer.

I like the setting of the scene here though. It's ordinary and yet you manage to hint at something about to happen enough to keep me intrigued.

And boy did something happen! Not sure what's going on exactly, but I'm guessing that's the point, that you intend to keep us in suspense.

You have Lily saying "I flew past my window" when I assume you mean "IT flew past my window."

Hmm, Ginny seems to know what's going on or at least have enough suspicions to worry her. I mean, what Lily saw is scary, but Ginny's reaction indicates to me that she knows more than we do. Interesting.

You've also written "I felt good to get it all out into the open" where again I'm assume it should be "it".

Hmm, this is quite mysterious. Wonder where it's going.

And I like the fact that it's about Lily, rather than Albus. Most mysteries seem to be from his point of view, not that there's anything wrong with that, but it's nice to have a change.

Author's Response: Thanks! This is my first fanfiction ever, its great to get some feedback! I have a blog where I talk more about fanfiction and recommend some interesting ones I've read. Lily is my fav character out of the Potter kids and I don't know why but I just don't enjoy stories about Albus as much... Thanks for pointing out the grammar issues as well!


Ps. I have a blog just do crazynerdly . blogspot . com

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