Reading Reviews for The Fight
7 Reviews Found

Review #1, by kjp Prologue

23rd April 2013:
whoa this was amazing! your writing is fantastic, I couldn't keep my eyes away. in some fanfics I tend to find myself skipping over paragraphs that seem so long (yes I know lazy :P ) but on this one I was so drawn in.
I'm kjp by the way for your requested review.
I must say i'm quite confused on what is happening, but in a sort of I really want to know whats going to happen next.
I'm actually wondering why this story doesn't have loads and loads of reviews already, i think its probably because its different to most fanfics and most fanfic readers tend to stick to what they usually read, but I think this story deserves more tbh :D
Sorry its quite short but all I have to say about this chapter is it's an amazing introduction and your characterization is brilliant, again i'm confused about the whole hermione granger thing but that's probably me being stupid. I really want to know what happens next :D feel free to come request another review :D

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Review #2, by Maelody Prologue

21st April 2013:
Wow! That was an amazing read!

Ok, so I was totally excited to come by and be like "I totally think the mystery woman is Pansy!" But you revealed it in the end and I was all types of sad lol. However, when he first said Miss Granger and you went on to describe her, I couldn't help but first think "This is definitely not a Hermione!"

I don't think I've ever actually read a fan fiction that had me glued to my screen and a unsettling feeling in my stomachs due to suspense before. I mean, I wanted to know what she was talking about and for her to get to the bottom of things so badly that I felt like I was watching CSI or something when the witnesses don't fess up. It really had my attention, and I love the way you work with dialogue. You really flow and make them have a voice. Your characters talk very realistically and I think it really really highlights the story.

There was a part, right when Baader started the interview, in which your (") didn't make the cut and so I was unsure of the fact that he was talking for a moment until I reached the end of the paragraph and saw it concluded with a (").

This story is off to a very lovely start, and Pansy actually gave me goosebumps when she said they are planning to do something Voldemort never dreamed of doing. I'm actually pretty scared for the sake of your characters. It's a shame she died in the end :( Baader should have gotten over himself and done his job in protecting her. Do we get to see any more of Baader? Besides his stubborn temper, he is a very interesting character.

Great work and I can't wait to see where this story goes! :)


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Review #3, by Jchrissy Prologue

20th April 2013:
Hi there m’dear!

I’m going to start off by saying that I’m not entirely sure what’s going on, but I think that’s expected for a chapter like this.

I love the intensity you’ve drilled into the start of this. Marianne seems like an interesting character, and I’m curious how she will fit into everything. I have to say those first few paragraphs, despite the fact that they’re short, probably were my favorite part of this chapter. I loved the old feel to it and think it started us off really well.

A few things about that - on your first sentence, you don’t need the colon. Not the colon and the period. Then with, ““You are Germany Marianne, because you keep..” I would consider putting a comma after ‘Germany’ and changing it to, “You are Germany, Marianne. You keep...” to give it less of a jumbled feel.

I’m so happy that the woman wasn’t Hermione, and was really impressed with the information you were able to pass through us from him. We learned that this woman knows that Muggles are in danger, extreme danger, and that she’s in danger too simply because of her boyfriend and the company he seems to keep.

I like that you made Pansy very complex even in such a small amount of time. She’s going to stay with this person who is hurting her, but is also informing someone of the danger that’s about to occur. Whether she was planning on escaping with the money or she just wanted it, I’m not sure. Either way, it doesn’t seem like her plans worked out.

I’m anxious to see what you have tangled together, m’dear!

I really enjoyed this start!

♥ Jami

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Review #4, by Cassius Alcinder Prologue

20th April 2013:
Wow, what an opening!

First of all, I'm really into history, particularly the Cold War era, so the narrator's backstory of growing up in East Germany grabbed my attention right away.

The descriptions that set up the opening scene were very well done. It gave a a good mental image of the man and woman, as well as creating a sense of urgency and foreboding about the scene. I particularly noticed the use of "puggish," which was a very nice subtle reference that tipped me off that the woman was actually Pansy.

I am very much intrigued by Mr. Baader, and I would like to find out more about what exactly his job is and how he got involved in it. Whatever the case, he is certainly in the middle of a lot of intrigue. As for the mysterious blonde man, I have a guess as to who it may be, but I'll just have to wait and see if I'm right or not.

The closing notification of Pansy's death really brought home the sense of imminent danger and let me wanting to know what happens next.

Great job!

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Review #5, by academica Prologue

20th April 2013:
Hello! Here from Team Bronze for the Review Battle!

This is a very intriguing beginning. I hope I'm meant to be so confused and haven't just missed the point entirely. I was able to guess that "Hermione" was actually Pansy before you revealed her name, and it breaks my heart that the relationship she has with Draco (I'm presuming) has turned violent. I wonder who the associate is?

The opening with Marianne was interesting, too. I liked how her description of Bellatrix's attack seemed removed--as she described, she was more like a witness who just didn't do anything about it. It'll be interesting to see how Marianne's story is related to the scene with Alexander and Pansy.

I noticed a couple of mistakes scattered throughout the chapter, mostly erroneous uses of commas. I also noticed that you tend to use periods in dialogue tags when commas would be more appropriate. I think there's a tutorial on the forum to help with that. You might also consider looking into getting a beta just to help you smooth those mistakes out.

This is a lovely start :)


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Review #6, by Lululuna Prologue

18th April 2013:
Hi, here for your requested review!!

I should start by saying that I'm very impressed with your writing style. You clearly have a way with words and the tensions, dramatics and sorrows are eloquently and beautifully described, particularly in the opening section of the story.

I've never seen a dead fish used as a metaphor before, but I think you pull it off rather well and that it functions as a slightly gruesome image to start off the story, which I feel is already quite dark.

I especially like the 4th paragraph, where the narrator talks about the witch (Bellatrix, I'm guessing?) murdering a child. It's very sad, but also very powerful, and the way you've set up the mystery. It leaves me wanting more: why the child was murdered, what happened to the boy who was blamed, and what -Marianne's? - exact identity is. The foreshadowing and sense that the reader is not yet ready to understand that part of the story is very well portrayed!

The dialogue between Alexander and Pansy is also very interesting and suspenseful-it's unique how the point of view is told from a Muggle. I think the character of Alexander is interesting, particularly when he chooses to be "selfish" and have Pansy keep working for him instead of getting him to safety.

I especially liked the section: " He observed that had her eye not been so strikingly repulsive she may have been quite pretty. Then again there was something quite puggish about her features that he did not like." It sets Alexander up as being a slightly shallow fellow, and hints at the identity of the informant witch in a way we HP lovers understand. My own critique about the whole conversation was that it dragged on just a little bit, in the case of the introductions, and perhaps that section could be tightened up a bit. That's just my opinion, though! :)

I feel quite sorry for Pansy in the end--she certainly didn't deserve to die, but her death sets up the mood of your story and demonstrates the stakes of this world you're creating. One suggestion: to make the last statement more impactful, you could create a new paragraph and delete the prefix of the last sentence, so it would read:

"Alexander Baader decided to be selfish.

The next day, he recieved a phone call informing him that a witch named Pansy..."

By breaking it up, the amazing last line would pack even more punch, so that could be something to consider. :)

Overall I think this is an amazing start to the story and I'm very excited to see where you'll take it, as well as the link between the voice at the beginning and the interview in the second section. Please feel free to re-request when you add another chapter, and I really hope this review was helpful and enjoyable!!! :)

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Review #7, by GracieBagel Prologue

12th April 2013:
Helloo :) This looks like a very promising story, your title and description completely captured my attention. And the prologue is so intriguing - full of mystery! I hope you continue this story, it has alot of potential :D

Author's Response: Aw hey! Yay my first reviewer thankyou very much for taking the time out to read my story, it means a lot!
That's so nice of you to say and I'm glad that you think so. This should be updated within the next few days.

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