4 Reviews Found

Review #1, by nott theodore Padfoot, shut up!

18th July 2013:
Hello there! I popped along when I saw that this was a James/Lily one-shot, as they're my OTP! Having looked at the stories on your page, I know what you mean when you say that this story is a lot happier than the others you've written :P

I really enjoyed reading this one-shot. James and Lily were so cute and adorable that it was a real pleasure to read. I was really intrigued by the fact that they'd decided to keep their relationship a secret for a few days, because I don't think I've seen that in any other stories on the archives. It makes sense to me, though. I imagine that after the time it took Lily and James to get together, it would cause quite a lot of talk in Hogwarts!

I think you characterise the pair of them very well, especially with the dialogue. Just when they've decided to keep their fledgling relationship a secret, the other Marauders burst into the room and find them kissing! Their reactions were well written as well, and consistent with their canon character, which helped to make this one-shot more believable for me.

I do have a few points of CC, though. There are a few grammar and spelling mistakes which I'd recommend fixing to improve the flow of your story. You also mention High School Musical which reminds the reader of the present day, whereas this story was set long before HSM existed. Overall, though, this was a really cute one-shot and I enjoyed reading it, particularly if it's not your usual genre!

Sian :)

Author's Response: Thanks for the criticism and for helping me improve my writing. x

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Review #2, by Hats For House Elves Padfoot, shut up!

3rd July 2013:
Hey as a one shot pretty good. l like the idea that James and Lily keep the fact that they're together secret. Just a couple things that could be improved, first don't mention High school musical. It brings the reader sharply into the present day and assuming you've gone cannon this is set in J+L 7th year its 1977.
Second there are a couple of words which are wrong. You use 'were' instead of 'was', 'in' instead of 'on' and 'but' at the start of a sentence.
Third Show rather than tell your reader, the main example is and I quote "As their lips met they heard a little scream from the door, where Sirius probably stood and sneak peaked" stay with lily and James. It is an intimate moment and by not mentioning anyone else you show that they don't care what's outside the door. When the focus returns to Sirius describe what he's doing. Has he got his ear pressed to the door? How is Remus reacting? The dialogue shows that Sirius is relaying information.
Finally and do read on it gets positive from here.
I'd like to read more. Write more! Set the scene and answer these questions. Why are all the first years in the common room? What time of year is it? As soon as J+L start arguing some people will notice How do they get away with going up to the boys rooms? The 'venom' in Lily's voice, here something needs to let the reader know its an act so expand on the whole pretend yet convincing fight. Sirius says 'I knew it' What gave it away?

That's it from me. Please feel free to get revenge by leaving an equally specific review on any of my attempts at writing. l don't want you to feel like l can't take my own medicine.

Good Luck!
Hats

Author's Response: Thanks for giving the criticism. I will improve my writing, but I really haven't written for that long. Thanks again and take care.

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Review #3, by AllisonFayeLovesHarryPotter Padfoot, shut up!

24th April 2013:
Love it!!! Way cute. I might change the rating to 15+, If i were you. ANYWAY super cute short little story!!

Author's Response: omg thank you! I'm still shocked people actually read my stories! Yeah, I'll do that then :) thank you so much again! xx

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Review #4, by me Padfoot, shut up!

22nd April 2013:
Heh heh. That last bit made me laugh. I liked it!

Author's Response: Thank you! I'm so happy you liked it! :D


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