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19 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Courtney Dark Chapter One

19th December 2013:
Hey there!

Wow, this was a very powerful and emotional way to begin a story! I think you have done an excellent job at capturing the reader's attention, and drawing them in. I am now eager to know what it is that drew Adaila to suicide - surely there must be something more to it than what you have already told us? Does she possibly have some sort of mental illness? What's her family life like? Is she bullied at Hogwarts? I am eager to uncover the mystery!

I really enjoyed reading the first section of this chapter, when Adaila was about to jump off the railing, but I feel like the section after Andrew was introduced was a little...rushed. I think you could have taken your time with his characterization - maybe using a bit more show and tell. Showing us who he is, rather than information dumping.

I also feel as though the flow was a bit uneven. One moment you have this tense, scary atmosphere, with Adaila planning on ending her life, the next she and Andrew are having a friendly conversation about the Beatles. It just seemed a little too conflicting. Perhaps to help even out the flow you could add more imagery in? Describe the setting, describe Adaila's emotions her her physical reactions to being saved, even Andrew's presence - even if that just means describing the rate of her beating heart, the shivers up and down her spine, her clammy hands her her shaking body. I think a bit of imagery would really improve this first chapter!

Overall: I think this was a gripping, intriguing first chapter with much potential. My suggestions are to even out the contrast between the chit-chat and attempted suicide, using imagery and Adaila's inner voice, which I would love to hear more of, so we can learn more about her. Nice job! I hope this review was helpful.

Courtney:)

Author's Response: Thank you for your review! I really do enjoy the first part of this chapter, but it went down hill from there. I think a big part is that I am a bit knew to writing and didn't want it to be too long, so I rushed it.

A big part of why I didn't descirbe her feelings is that #1 she honestly doesn't care that she was saved, she was upset and unsure to, we make srupid decsions when we're upset and #2 I made the horrible mistake of watching my siblings play Nancy Drew games in my youth.

I put a lot of hints regarding Adaila's actions later in the story, you might need to think them out in order to get them. Again, thank you alot for the review!


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Review #2, by Iellwen Chapter Five

15th December 2013:
Hi there!
Last chapter until you update.


Since you skip quite a few days, you might want to re-think this still being Adaila's dream. Or is she actually daydreaming, remembering? :)
Because she's still asleep somewhere (you didn't specify where). And it's a bit redundant to separate a dream in two chapters introducing one character's childhood.


And yes, why did she ever distance herself from others?

The bit about the father telling her she's 8, not 7 because it's the end of '87 was kind of weird. And left unexplained, like a few other things.

Like, for example, the guy with the smirk in the bushes. Who was he? Was the police after him? From what he says, is he a child-molester? Is that surprising second with a stranger in the bushes just before a horde of police officers swoop in and save her something that traumatized her and is relevant to her personality as of later on?
Is that explained in a third chapter about Adaila's childhood?


The story's main plot doesn't progress in this and the previous chapters and if you took out some of the irrelevant details (clothing or the entire first day of school and some dialogs for example), you could merge the dream into one part.

And what we learn about the protagonist's past is so ambiguous it's difficult to make much out of it.
That's just my opinion but you took the time to make a side-note for Adaila's past so it should be heavy with explanations about her present without being dragged on for that long.

Try to read your chapters under different perspectives (mainly your main and secondary characters' and the readers').
Take the time you need to re-write old chapters (it's sometimes easier to make changes if you wait a few days or weeks for some, in my experience) but make sure to keep writing your story and get a clear idea of you main and sub plots (if you don't have one already).

I'm looking forward to your further updates and keep an interested eye on your story.
It has a lot to offer, just needs polishing.

You can apply for a beta-reader in the forums (since you already have over 3 chapters validated), the odds are you'll get a response pretty quickly (though I'm not so sure about that during the season break).

I hope my reviews covered your concerns well enough :)

Author's Response: I was going to put this in one chapter, but with how it turned, I didn't wanted to. I have a love for flash backs.

With her father saying she's where it's '87 is because the chapter is set in late Noveber, getting close to end of the year, I grew up where people would say I'm a year olding of what I am.

And bush, all I can say is that he'll make a reapperence. Thank you for your reviews!


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Review #3, by Iellwen Chapter Four

15th December 2013:
Hi there!
Still me!

My thoughts about this chapter:

She dreams... So she rests her head on the wall and immediately falls asleep? ^^

Her parents fell in love is fine as it is, not need for a 'naturally' (or explain the situation where it would be, at least). :)

She's already sat down THEN her father says goodbye?
No hug or kiss, just a "I'll see you after work".
On the first day of school? (Little detail again)

Watch out for repetitions (like 'memories', 'precious', 'drawing' etc, etc...)
You still have missing words, quite a few mixed up tenses and some needed rephrasing.
The spacing if also a bit off (in my opinion).

It all breaks the story's flow.
You need a beta-reader.


This chapter doesn't really feel like it's about plot progression (although there's that precious and old notebook with drawings that adds to the mystery shrouding her past but it could be pretty innocent. It has stick-drawings.)
She falls asleep and dreams.

Nothing much happens in that dream that tells us about her past.
Besides a few names and the fact that she was not your usual cheery-I-come-from-a-happy-family 7 year old girl, went to a private school and that her father was a bit of an irresponsible air-head.
Her mother cooks and he likes football.
Pretty calm family.
But not the names on the letter.
...
OMG what happened to her parents?!
(I see what you did there... Nice one^^)

Then there's that bit about the teacher Mrs. Dale (is her name relevant to the story?) and that boy Leo (his probably is) who asked 'where's the accent' (at that doesn't really make sense in it itself) just after she said she moved here from Scotland.
And we learn Adaila has always preferred to 'stay in the shadows'.
Okay.
Weird kid.
Cool.

This is a getting-to-know-Adaila chapter.
Adaila is a character you've created.
So it's good to introduce her.

I just wonder if all the information I just read, with all the tiny little details...
Is that information relevant to the story or is it to show the reader Adaila under a different kind of light?
Because it doesn't seem to, she's a 7 year old kid with two happy, loving parents and I had to picture that girl, dark-haired, reclusive and quiet, way too calm for her age...
What kind environment did that 7-year old actually grow up in?! ^^

16-year old Adaila's just the same. So anything that might have happened to her parents in between would've piled on to her already shy/introvert personality.


I hope I'm not completely misunderstanding your story or just over thinking it.
I'm really looking forward to read your answers to my questions.

I'll read the next chapter in the meantime ^^

PS: In my first review, I meant a fading maniacal laughter, not fainting.
It takes all the drama away when I confuse words.
Dammit!

Author's Response: I put 'She falls asleep and dreams' mainly because I needed a way to fit the flash back inmwithout her telling anyone. So I thought this was a good way.

About how Adaila didn't got a kiss or hug from her father is because I knida based him on my own, and when he would take me to school, I don't recall him hugging or kissing me, he probably did but it was awhile ago.

About how Leo asked why she didn't had an aceent was because I wanted to put his childest in.

I also would like say that I do have a bete reader, you is my sister and enjoys writing. I didn't wanted to ask a stranger to beta my story, mainly bacause I'm that educated when it comes to writing and my sister gets this and is quite kind with it.

I do get how it can be a bit confusing and I'm sorry about that.


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Review #4, by Iellwen Chapter Three

15th December 2013:
Hi there!
I'm still here! ;)

The plot progresses gently so no worries there: they're going to bond (or not) over homework. Gives you the opportunity to reveal more about your characters in the following chapters.

You could warn the reader about your changing POVs (point of views) though. Little detail, not that important. :)

I feel that your Prof. Sprout is really out of character (she's the teacher that once sent off a student with a warning and a box of coconut ice!).
It was already a bit creepy in the 2nd chapter but the way she claims they can't walk away from this but then they do... Adaila's answer was overwhelming in it's own way too. She was upset and at the Astronomy Tower so she climbed over the railing. Yeah so what, right? As if it's the most logical thing to do.

It's like Pomona Sprout is so overtaken by what's going on she can't think of anything better than scheduling a talk once a week, being strict and, all in all, not taking seriously the fact that one of her students tried to jump off the railing from the A.Tower.
And that's a teacher that, as we're told a little later on, praised Adaila during classes. So shouldn't she at least care a little more? It's not like she doesn't know the student or hasn't shown signs of friendliness or at least fairness before.

The indifference (I found the word I was looking for earlier. Not uncaring. Indifference.) your characters have towards teenage suicide is... Here I go again, can't find the right word. I'll go with terrifying.
Again, I'd feel reeeally lonely surrounded such people. Not one are you okay or how are you doing. Nothing. Even Andrew, and he asks her to tutor him.
I really don't know if you're doing this on purpose since it still says relatively plausible (Adaila and Andrew are your characters and you could have decided to alter Prof. Sprout's original personality for the purpose of your story.).
It's amazing.


I found it weird that they share some classes together and he definitely noticed her since her knows she's good in those two classes he needs to work on but they STILL had that introduction and he didn't mention it. He knew about her in chapter 1 already, right?


Also kind of weird was her leaving the Great Hall (last I read they were on a journey there so I guess they had arrived during their chit-chat. Were they standing by the doors before going to their respective tables when he asked her about her parents? How insensitive! Cold, Andrew. Cold.) but she leaves (she could just go to her table, they're in different Houses anyway) and goes to her next class. Hang on, isn't it lunch break?


You might want to apply for a beta-reader if you haven't already or if you feel like it (a few missing words like "had" right in the 2nd sentence, or 'silence was THE strategy' and some rephrasing might sometimes be nice)
Btw, you did again: it's "savIor" not 'savoir' (It's the know-it-all in me, I can't help it^^).


I'm off to the next chapter! :)

Author's Response: Prof. Sprout worries me deeply, I couldn't find much about her because she didn't play a big part in the books, I just did my best. I'm sorry I didn't do a good job.

Andrew's just trying to find more about Adaila, I know he went a bit over the line with asking about her parents, but he's trying.


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Review #5, by Iellwen Chapter Two

15th December 2013:
Hi there!
It's me again.

What bugged me most in this chapter what Prof. Sprout's reaction, or rather lack of, when Andrew tells her he's just saved a suicidal student.
Why the heck is she mentioning his grades?!
Then again, he did say it in a casual-this-happened-again kind of way.

Then there's also that tedious description of him reaching for the ball of paper. Is it supposed to happen in a slow, cold-sweat-running-down-my-temples kind of way? It's just a piece of paper. As far as he knows, this could just be garbage (call the littering police!!).

How does he know this would be the reason Adaila tried to jump? Maybe it was a letter she got a few days before but still had in her pocket and it fell out?

Why does he thinks Anna and Simon are her parents right off the bat?
He notices they signed with their names so maybe they're her guardians or other relatives or in this case friends.
Is that due to his knowledge of books and how it helped him develop the ability to think up different scenarios?


Andrew is the king of random. Maybe it's the adrenaline?
Looking closely at his actions and thoughts:
he enters a crowded corridor, feeling changed for life and suffering from a Superman-effect.
And he just knows she has heavy secrets even though they just chit-chatted. Then again, her trying to jump is enough of a clue.
Then he's reached the Astro. Tower and looks for his book bag.
Then finds the paper.
Then needs to remember where he had decided on going to next. I thought the memory changed his life in a good way, why would he suppress it?

And does that mean he had planned on going to see Prof. Sprout already but decided to stop by the Astronomy Tower to get his bag, so he could conveniently find that crumpled letter before the wind take it away, THEN tell an adult about that student that tried to off herself!?
Cold, Andrew. Cold.

A few repetitions:
the word 'memory'
'secrets, secrets'
'student' and 'failing student' right after
and of course 'plants' (I almost forgot that one)


So Andrew is either really random, has a really good intuition or has difficulties caring. I really need to know since either possibilities (or others) are interesting. So I have to read on.

I really don't know if you're doing this on purpose but your story is incredibly confusing (to me) mainly because of the way the characters interact with each other.
It defies my logic and expectations in many ways.
But this is not necessarily a bad thing if they are supposed to be so terrifyingly... uncaring is not the right word but it would feel incredibly lonely to be surrounded by people with such twisted priorities.

Should this be the reason you had Prof. Sprout point out the importance of the year for Andrew's academics:

Everybody knows this is the year the 5th year students take their O.W.Ls. Should a reader not know this, it would be because they stumbled onto this website without any kind of knowledge about Harry Potter and no link to harrypotter wikia or sth :)
You can still reminder your reader about it in a secondary manner or with subtle hints if you feel it to be an important detail to your story which it might become since Adaila was worried about her grades because she wanted to become a Healer, right? (Btw, doesn't that mean it's way to early for her to think her grades are definitely too bad to get her dream job?)

Anyway!
On to the next chapter I go!

Author's Response: I had writer's block with this chapter and got distracted with a show that had over 600 episodes (it's an anime), so my ideas were off. I'm really not proud of this chapter.

The biggest thing about it is Andrew's back story.

About Adaila's grades, the previuos years prepares you for the exams, since she didn't pay much attenion to school during her earlier years, she doesn't know what she needs to know. Thank you for your review!


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Review #6, by Iellwen Chapter One

15th December 2013:
Hi there!

So here's my opinion of your 1st chapter. (If you want the short version, just read the last 3 sentences. OMG, right?)

I was really shocked at the fast change from "she's going to jump to her death" to "totally random chit-chat". You might not have to create a longer dialog but at least describe the looks they gave each other or the feelings of surprise, shock (or shame, or anger or both).
And he catches her really quickly; you could use the catches-her-just-as-she-falls-cliché to describe in excruciatingly details how she lets go, she feels the wind and is light as air for a second just as a painful tug on her arm(s) snaps her back tor reality. Or sth.

Awkward silence is a good idea but it lacks a bit of the unsaid words of worries (expect if Andrew is used to saving strangers on a regular basis or just doesn't care or sth). Going from 'are you mad' to casual presentation is a no-no.

And that she expects him to be unable to find his way around the castle (then I realized I had, myself, no idea where the Hufflepuff Common Room actually is so nice one^^)

And what is she trying to buy time for? You didn't say so it feels a bit out of place.

'noticed everyone was reading The Daily Prophet'
I'm picturing a horde of students holding newspapers in front of their faces. It's really weird.
Could you at least invent an interesting headline or something that would interest such a big group of individuals enough to have them all read at the same time?

Your chapter is aired and easy on the eyes, though I'd personally separate the different thoughts, ideas ad actions as well as the dialogs and narration a little bit more. May be just me though. :)

Oh, and the Common Room is nothing special but it never fails to amaze her? A bit clumsy if you ask me (which you did. Haha.)
I think you might want to specify it's not special by wizarding standards (although... It is the coziest C.M. of all Hogwarts...)and use that to nicely slide that bit in about her being a muggle-born.

How can she think Andrew would try to befriend her, he hasn't even asked her if she was okay or anything? Again, might be just me.

I'm looking forward to finding out what was written in the letter and if only the thought of not having good enough grades would push her to suicide or if it was just the drop that literally pushed her over the edge.

'she heard her savoir' typo, you meant savior (yay, I'm so smart!^^)

'Her Common Room wasn’t special; it had two doors which were based on their mascot, the badger’s sett'
Are the doors the main features from the Common Room (though round doors are cool enough to be)? If not, you can just break the sentence in two. It helps the description to flow a little better.

'the badger’s sett' now I'm pretty sure that's just me, but what does sett mean? Wait, I just Googled it. A badger's den. (Hey, I learned a new word, thank you!!)
So the doors are round? Or are they made out of grass, straw or dead leaves? Or is it their, or rather lack of, height (are Hufflepuffs really tiny?) All 3 possibilities are fun but I guess you meant round. Duh. :D

I really, really like that you used a Hufflepuff as protagonist. They're underrated people.
But their Common Room being the 'most guarded' irks me a bit. It makes it sounds like something worse than vinegar guards it (though I wouldn't want to get doused with some.) and since it's been unseen by any other than Hufflepuff students, how about "best guarded"? (I know it's a tiny little detail. Feel free to overlook it:D)

The characters and plot are a bit vague atm but it's okay since it's still the first chapter.

All in all, I enjoyed reading and I'm off to the next one to find out more about your story.

See you soon.
(You may or may not want to add a fainting maniacal laughing right now)

Author's Response: the reason why Adaila didn't faught after Adrew saved her was beacause yes, she was about to kill herself, but she was also unsure about, a big reason why she was attemting it was because of that letter.

I got 'the most guarded out of all of the common rooms' form Harry Potter Wiki, the reason it has that title is because it's the only common room where Harry never visted.

Thank you for your review, I'm glad you liked it.


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Review #7, by toomanycurls Chapter Three

8th September 2013:
I like that this chapter has more prose around the dialogue. It adds a lot of interesting detail to the chapter. The dialogue content flowed really well too.

I'm not sure that two students that introduced themselves to one another a few days ago to know what the other person did well in school. I guess they could have observed one another from a distance but not known each other's name. It would be nice to address that in the chapter though.

I would have loved to get a bit of the conversation between Andrew and Adaila. It sounded like an interesting discussion based on the description you gave.

In terms of plot and story progression, I think more description to what's going on around them would be nice. Interaction with other students would add a great deal of depth to the plot. Hogwarts is a big school and I'd expect at least observations about students they're in school with. Even a small detail like who the DADA professor is would put the reader into more context about their world.

Feel free to re-request when you have more chapters up!

Author's Response: Thank you for all of your reveiws! I've never really got a hold descibing things in writing, but hopefully that'll change. Thank you again for you reviews!

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Review #8, by toomanycurls Chapter Two

8th September 2013:
I like how Andrew's perspective gave more details to Adaila's narrative. The letter from her parents added to the mystery surrounding her character.

I suppose I expecting more concern pause from Professor Sprout between acknowledging Andrew's information about Adaila and telling him to study up for Herbology.

Characterization-wise, I think this chapter could use more bulk regarding Andrew or Adaila's personality, background, or general life. The line about Andrew trying to block a memory out is good but I think readers need more build up for plot mysteries.

Author's Response: I just wanted to hint his back story, saying that there is something, it'll just take a while for it to be revealed. I'm highly influence by mysteries so I couldn't really help myself :P Thank you for your reviews!


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Review #9, by toomanycurls Chapter One

8th September 2013:
I've always found OCs hard to write. It's a lot to undertake having two OCs in one story, especially as the main characters. It's quite the audacious goal. I'm excited to see how they develop.

As your story focuses on characters people aren't familiar with, it might help to have a bit more about them up front. It would give us more of a reason to care about their narrative. It's definitely interesting to see someone hanging on to a railing and be pulled up but more depth would make readers more involved with the character rather than the circumstance. It also might help to specify where she's at in the castle. Just to add context.

It will be interesting to see why Adaila wants to be invisible and why she was so distraught over her grades.

That's all I have specifically about this chapter. One thing about the overall story is that it's helpful to have a bit more of a description on the table of contents page. Especially with OCs, it would help having either a fuller description or a quote from the chapter.

Author's Response: Thank you for your review! I wanted to put a bit of mystery in the first chapter, that's way it's not descrited. Thank you again!

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Review #10, by 800 words of heaven Chapter Two

16th August 2013:
Hello! Here with your exceptionally late requested review!

I remember reading the first chapter a couple of months ago, and I think the calibre of the writing in the second chapter has improved considerably!

So this chapter was even shorter than the first, but I'm glad that we got to know Andrew a little better. Obviously, he's got some secrets of his own, which I really want to know about. Also, we got to learn a little bit more about Adaila and that letter was a very intriguing clue to her state of mind. I'm wondering where that will lead.

Something that I would have really liked to see is a little bit of description. It was a bit difficult for me to paint the picture in my head and it was almost as if the characters were moving around in an infinite white space, rather than at a school. Was it dark? Were there any people around? Could Andrew hear any sounds, human or otherwise? What did the Herbology professor look like? Stuff like that really helps the reader to set the scene in their heads and also gets them invested in the story.

Good luck with chapter three, and I hoped that this review helped a little!

Author's Response: Thank you for your reveiw! I currently have writer's block but at leaset I have most of it written. Thank you again!

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Review #11, by rozen_maiden Chapter Two

28th July 2013:
I think your story has a lot of potential. I was surprised and glad to see that at the beginning, Andrew was affected by what he had witnessed, and didn't just brush it off as another event in the day. He comes across as a good, concerned individual, just by this one act alone. I'm curious to see what Adaila's note was about.

Your chapter was fairly short, so I don't have much to comment on, but this is a good story that deals with some pretty serious issues. As I said, you write your emotions well, and with a little bit more description in your chapters, I think it will go well :)

-Mahalia

Author's Response: The reason why it was so short was because I got writer's block and got distracted with a TV show so I wanted to get it finished thank you for your praise and reading my story!

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Review #12, by rozen_maiden Chapter One

28th July 2013:
Hey love, it's Mahalia from the forums with your RR :)
So, this chapter was a pretty emotional and amazing start to a story. You encompassed the helpless feeling of depression very, very well. This last line was particularly emotional:
"She spent so many years becoming invisible that she didn’t want anyone to destroy it."
This has made me extremely curious about your OC - who she is, her background, and why she is how she is. She has a powerful sadness to her that you talk of very well, and you can really make your readers feel her pain. You've done a great job - emotions are a hard thing to write.

I will be off to read the second chapter now, and let you know how I find the story flow, etc :)

-Mahalia

Author's Response: I was a little worried about the whole thing in this chapter as I go on another website with stories that invloe with this issue and I've read few where the author got it correctly. So thank you!

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Review #13, by MC_HK Chapter Two

15th July 2013:
I do think this story has a lot of potential, but since it's so short I didn't have much to comment on. A few criticisms I have though, is that it lacked in detail and description. I'd like to know more about Andrew and was hoping to find out more about him in this chapter. I also don't think the herbology teacher would really care to mention something like grades after finding out a student had almost committed suicide.

This is great, but you've got some tweaking to do. MC_HK

Author's Response: I apologize that you didn't like it, I got major writer's block so I just wanted to be done with this chapter.

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Review #14, by MC_HK Chapter One

10th July 2013:
The opening to this chapter was very well done. I think that the voices you mention in the beginning are very characteristic of someone who is either depressed or has low self-esteem, and it kind of gives you a peek in to Adaila's world. I'm curious to see if they are voices of other people or if they are voices of her own making. Either way, it's very well done.

Andrew seems like a really nice guy :) I kind of feel like he would have been a little more concerned for her maybe? I don't know, I would be completely freaked out if I was witnessing someone almost about to jump off of the Astronomy Tower. But I do like their interaction and I do like his small talk. I also like what he signified in that moment: her hero.

Your descriptive writing is also really well done. I like how you didn't describe too much, leaving some things up to imagination, but you described just enough so I could still picture the scene in my head.

I'm interested to see where this goes. For right now, Adaila seems very quiet and kind of plain, but I'm sure as her character develops, she'll be very likeable :) Overall, a lovely read and have a good day :)

Author's Response: Thank you for reviewing! I can't say much about Andrew as I don't want to give anything away (There's a hint in the next chapter) This reveiw actually made my day so thank you!

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Review #15, by 800 words of heaven Chapter One

20th June 2013:
Hello! You requested this review from me, like over a month ago. I'm so sorry it's taken me this long to get back to you!

So my very first impression of this girl is that she has very low self-confidence. I don't know where you plan to take her, but starting with her at such a low point definitely gives you a lot of room for character development.

Okay, so she has a lot more than just low self-esteem. She suddenly became very interesting. I like how you've opened with this scene, actually. We're right in her head space from the get-go, and that gives us a really powerful point of view on this character. I like that you haven't really dwelt on why she's doing what she's doing, but jumped straight to the part where she's doing it. It's quite a strong way to open this story.

Andrew seems like a really nice bloke so far. He has the temerity not to ask her what she was doing, or more importantly, why she was doing it, but just gives her some space, and tries to befriend her. I think he's very sweet and I look forward to getting to know him better.

One piece of description of the Hufflepuff Common Room that I absolutely adored was this: "The windows let anyone be in the spotlight since they were at the top." This, more than anything I have read in a very long time, really encapsulated what it meant to be a Hufflepuff, for me.

We don't really know a lot about Andrew, yet, so I'll just talk about Adaila. I can't say I really like her, but I really like where you might take her as a character. She's really shy, and doesn't believe in herself, but seems to believe that Andrew's offer of friendship was genuine. Instead of doubting its sincerity, like I expected her to, she frets about what other people will say. I think this, more than anything else, told me the most about Adaila as a person. I'd love to see you write more stuff like that!

This was a very nice start to a promising story!

Author's Response: I forgot I requested a review... anyways, this review made my day, thank you so much! I don't want to say much about Adaila and Andrew because I might give something away... it happens alot. Again, thank you for reveiwing!

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Review #16, by ShadowRose Chapter One

14th May 2013:
Hi, I'm here with your requested review!

First of all, I'd like to say that I definitely think this is an improvement over the first version of this chapter. Not that the first was bad, but this one is a bit more descriptive and flows a bit better.

It was interesting to hear the voices in Adaila's head at the beginning of the chapter, because whoever it was that was saying that stuff to her obviously had a major impact on her. It'll be interesting to see how you continue to develop Adaila, as she seems kind of plain right now, but she has plenty of potential.

I like Andrew's character, as he seems like a pretty nice guy, but not to the point where he's Mr. Perfection either. One question I do have... why did Andrew react the way he did? I feel like, in most situations, Andrew should have freaked out more, given the fact that Adaila was two fingers away from tumbling off the Astronomy Tower. Or at least, I would have figured he would have gone to a teacher, or something other than just small talk.

Your description of the Hufflepuff common room was really neat. So few people actually talk about the CR there, so it's refreshing to see someone have their own take on it, since its the only common room that J.K. never really describes.

I feel like this chapter has a lot of potential - you just need to capitalize on it! Maybe go into detail more about their conversations? The story should seem as though the reader is walking with the characters, not just drifting in and out of the story.

Overall, I think you've got a really great start here, and it'll be interesting to see how this story develops with its new edits! :)

-ShadowRose (Taylor)

Author's Response: Ah, the amout of hints in this chapter makes me want to give away everything so I can stop fangirling over my own ideas. There's a reason why he acted the why he did, there's hint in the next chapter about it, hopefully I can finsh it soon. Thank a lot for reveiwing!

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Review #17, by RavenclawGirl11 Chapter One

11th May 2013:
Hello! You asked me to read and review and I am! I like the start of this story, but feel it is a bit short on detail and description. Also, it doesn't seem as if Adaila has a personality, maybe you could extend on that?


Other than that, I enjoyed reading it and cant wait until the next chapter

~ Macy x

Author's Response: It's the first chapter so I wanted to get gerneal things out, just get part of the idea out. Thank for reviewing!

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Review #18, by Lululuna Chapter One

10th May 2013:
Hi there, I'm here for your requested review!!

I think this is a good start to a story and was a great way to jump right into the action. I like the character of Andrew especially: he seems like a really nice guy, and it sounds like he has a mischievous little brother as well! Adaila seems to have an interesting character so far: she clearly wants to be a Healer, feels lonely and is rather shy and quiet. I feel so sorry that she would want to jump off the astronomy tower, and hopefully things get better for her!

I liked how Andrew tried to make small talk when walking Adaila back to her room. However, would he not want to try and comfort her, or ask what was wrong? Also, would he perhaps go and tell a teacher that he had nearly seen her jump off the tower? It is a very serious situation: maybe he could make her promise that she wouldn't go back up there that night or something? :)

I quite enjoyed the descriptions of the Hufflepuff common room: it was very original!

One suggestion I have is to develop the story a little more and fill it up by adding some descriptions and memories. I would have liked to know more about what Adaila was thinking. The walk with Andrew from the tower, especially, could have been a bit more detailed. What does Andrew seem to be thinking about Adaila? If they're in the same year, wouldn't they have noticed each other before? Maybe Andrew had seen her in the past and wondered why she was so quiet, or Adaila had seen him with his friends and knew that he was popular and had people gossiping about him. Why is she so sure that he's going to befriend her, does he make a habit of making friends with people who are quiet, or did he express an interest in meeting up with her again? :)

Anyway, good job with this, and I think you do have a really good base for a story here! Hopefully this review proves a bit helpful!! :)

Author's Response: Thank you for reviewing! Andrew is a very complex character, It's kind hard to explain why without giving anything away. I will more into his character. Thank you so much for reviewing!

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Review #19, by hopelessDREAMS Chapter One

9th May 2013:
Hey!

So this chapter is, of course, rather vague and doesn't give us much, but that's okay. It's only the beginning and we want to be left with a cliffhanger of sorts to be thirsty for more.

Other than that, I can't really comment on much else, except you've got the potential for a great story and characters to form a what I presume to be a good relationship. x

Author's Response: Thank you! I have no words how to respond bacause I've having a bad day, so this made my day!

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