Reading Reviews for The Dead Boy's Wish
  
5 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Shudder22 Have mercy on the lost souls.

19th April 2013:
Hello. Thank you for requesting in my review thread. However, you failed to read the part where I said I do not review grammar, spelling etc. and as thatís what you asked me to review, well, looks like you got the short stick.

This review will be brief since the chapter isn't very long, and you did not give me a base to review off of, however if you would like to re-request for later chapters I would be glad to.

My thoughts:
First off, there are some rather large spaces between the page break and paragraphs. They are rather distracting.

I liked your opening paragraph, it was detailed and efficient in telling us what we needed to know. However, with the dramatic and dark tone you take on, I feel like the word choice was lacking. Try replacing simple words, especially as the paragraphs go on.

The whole dying child from chemo thing is nice. It sets up a great plot point right off the bat. However, if one were not very knowledgeable on cancer and the effects it has, you would be completely in the dark, therefore missing the entire mood, and motives. I would suggest adding in a little insight to the boy, how he got here, how he is feeling, what the chemo is doing, etc.

I like the cliffhanger, it really leads up to what youíve got going on in the plot. But to be honest, Iím not all that interested in the plot, mostly because everything happened so fast. I suggest expanding the chapter, adding in tidbits more, and making a smoother transition, from what I assumed was the dream to reality or whatever. It was very harsh and sudden. I would quite fancy a bit more about Draco, and maybe a bit more about him in his room, his confusion etc. Just really expanding upon what you have.

Overall, it was mildly amusing. I wish it would have been longer, so I could get a bit more invested into it.

Please feel free to re-request.
Oliver
Shudder22

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Review #2, by Lululuna Lost in a world of Sin.

16th April 2013:
Hello again!

I was so glad to see Dobby make an appearance! It's so interesting to see how he would have been before Harry freed him, and how Draco would have treated him. I think you did a great job staying true to character in that respect.

Also, Draco's love for his hair was just great. I love how even at such a young age he's developed a great affinity for hair gel! :)

The description of Lucius was also very spot-on. I enjoyed your emphasis on how cold he was, and the hints at some marital discord between Lucius and Narcissa.

I do find some sections of the story a little hard to read, such as the second paragraph. Watch out for run-on sentences and the clarity of your statements. Like I said in the last review, a little careful editing would easily fix this! :)

Hopefully these reviews were helpful, feel free to re-request!! :) Keep up the good work!

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Review #3, by Lululuna Have mercy on the lost souls.

16th April 2013:
Hi there, here for your requested review!! :)

I think this is a very interesting first chapter. The introductory paragraph was very well written and very sad. The descriptions are very visual and I could see the scene clearly in my mind. Also, the phrase in which the child embraces death like a friend reminds me of the story of the three brothers, which was a nice touch! :)

The story is a little unclear, though I think that adds to it's mystery. Did the dying boy ask to become magical? What does Draco have to do with him? It's very intriguing!

I quite liked the description of Narcissa as well, by the way! I could picture her perfectly.

I think you could make the story and writing style a bit clearer by cleaning up some of the sentences and making them more concise. For example: "The concern look that was once on the unknown ladies face was nothing compared to what it transformed to after he had said what he had." could be written as: "The concerned look that had covered the unknown lady's face was nothing compared to the worried expression that transformed her as he spoke." Or something. I find it helps to read my stories out loud; it helps me catch typos and amend sentence structure.

I also think a little more punctuation would be effective in the dialogue: for example, a statement like: "My head hurts, and I'm confused. I don't know who you are... but can you help me?" might be a bit easier for readers to follow. :)

Anyways, I'm interested to find out why Draco's lost his memories and what his connection is with the boy at the beginning. Hopefully this review was helpful for you! :)

Author's Response: Thank you for the awesome reviews they are really helpful :)

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Review #4, by Carolynn Lost in a world of Sin.

16th April 2013:
I'm here with a requested review!

I like the fact that Draco lost his memory, I've never seen anything like it before.

I also liked that you put 'BAD DOBBY' in ah memories. Good writing!

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review :)


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Review #5, by Carolynn Have mercy on the lost souls.

16th April 2013:
I'm here with a requested review!

It's a good start, it flowed nicely. I can't say much about anything yet because it's only the first chapter. Good writing!

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