ShadowRose here, with your requested review!
Wow, this is really powerful one-shot - I could tell immediately.
I like that you focused on the minor characters, because that never seems to happen very much, and minor characters are just so much fun to write about, in my opinion.
The repetition of "He was coming" really ties the whole story together, constantly reminding the reader that she's basically waiting for her own death, instead of just casually pondering her life. She's facing death, and it just makes it all that more dramatic.
The entire one-shot is kind of mysterious, and there are a lot of things that aren't explained to the reader. Of course, since this is a short little piece, that's perfectly acceptable, as there's no way you could explain everything in such a short span of time. It also adds this nice little aura of confusion on the reader, which I like.
Your descriptions are beautiful, and quite vivid. I can clearly see everything you describe, from Dorcas's complexion to the abandoned street. I LOVE description, so reading all of this made me quite happy.
You really do tap into her emotions, showing the pain of love lost. Her sense of hopelessness and sadness is quite tangible, and gives the reader a clear insight into what she's thinking.
I would have loved to see you develop each of the characters a little more, but as I said earlier, it's a one-shot, so you are somewhat limited. It might have been nice to focus a little bit on Dorcas's past, on what made her so special that Voldemort had to kill her himself.
Right at the end, I noticed a few little spelling errors. Both "tilted" and "Dorcas" are misspelled in the last paragraph or two. Other than that, I really didn't notice much to CC on.
This was beautifully written, and I really enjoyed reviewing it!
-ShadowRose Report Review
Hi! I'm here for your requested review! =)
It was a very interesting idea to use a couple of lesser known characters for one-shot. I haven't read many fics about them, so it was nice to see how you imagine their characters.
I was bit disoriented in the first part of the fic. I was assuming that she was lying in some abandoned warehouse or something (because you didn't mention where she was), and dying slowly from her wounds, because her thoughts were so jumbled. So I was quite surprised when I realized that she was actually wandering around Diagon Alley, when I got further in the fic.
It was left quite unclear why she was in Diagon Alley. Was she leaving note to someone before her death? Visiting the places where she used to go with Benjy? How did Voldy & the Death Eaters know where she was?
I'm guessing you must have answers at least to some of my questions, but they just didn't show up in text. So extra descriptions could make this fic bit more readable. Now I was just left in some kind of suffocating cloud where I couldn't figure out which way she was going.
I liked her inner thoughts, although those were bit too flowery for my personal taste. I appreciate your similes, but they kind of kidnapped the plot and never let go.
I wasn't sure until the end, whether she was on a good side or bad side. Most of the story was quite ambivalent about it.
Her fate was left bit unclear. Like was she killed on the spot or tortured first? Or did Death Eaters capture her, break her mind and then kill her? So many options. The end left me with many questions as you can see.
I can appreciate this type of writing in one-shot, but if it was longer fic, it would definitely need some sprucing up, so that I wouldn't lose hope and stop reading it before the end.
I didn't actually learn a lot about the characters. Clearly Benjy and Dorcas were lovers, but that's almost all I got. There was a typo right in the end in Dorcas's name by the way. I think there were a couple of other inconsistencies as well, but can't remember right now where those were.
You are way good with expressing character's feelings. I could feel her intense pain about losing her lover, and there was some guilt in there too. But most of all she was practically out of her mind with grief. I hope that was the effect you were striving for? =)
It was intriguing and generally well written one-shot. But bit distrubing. =P
If you have questions about this review, just PM me. Other than that, I hope this was helpful review. Happy writing! =) Report Review
Zayne! I am finally here to review this. Sorry it took me so long but I had a long waiting list, plus uni work. But as promised, I have arrived! And I am glad I did :D
First off allow me to extend my warmest and honest congratulations on your description skills. You have a gift when it comes to depicting feelings. They are true and deep and when you mix them with the visual images your words carry of the outside world, it creates a truly beautiful painting of the story. I really don't have much to say about this other than words of praise :D
Dorcas! I loved it that in the end, when he finally came for her she decided not to give in so easily. Sure, she didn't put up a fight because in her mind it was futile to fight against Lord Voldemort once he set his eyes on someone, but what's most important is that she kept her interior strength and went to her death with courage. Not many can say that they can stare certain death in the eyes and still maintain composure. I don't know if I could.
I really liked your characterization of Dorcas. She seemed very human in this, with believable emotions. She is longing for her childhood friend, her lover and now that he is dead, she has no reason to live any more. I'm wondering how he was and how was their relationship. And I am curious about her, more than anything. You write her as one of the most prominent figures of the First Order. I wonder what she's done to deserve all that faith people put in her. And I wonder above else what she has done to make Voldermort come after her himself. This is why I don't like one shots - I NEED TO KNOW MORE haha
Very veyr nice piece hun! I enjoyed it a lot! Report Review
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