This is a great beginning to a story. And the fact that the Resurrection Stone could be found so easily from where Harry had dropped it. Why Dumbledore agreed to leaving it in such an exposed location never made sense to me.
There is a couple items that could be improved. In the letter from Danny's parents, the flow is broken a little:
"They did, unfortunately, get into a car accident."
Maybe rearrange the sentence structure?
"Unfortunately, they were involved in a car accident." Or along those lines.
Another sentence that also seemed a little confusing was:
"He will be just fine, as to the relief of Cara's grandparents, but Cara isn't."
Perhaps split the sentence in two and move Cara's condition to the next paragraph?
I did like the reference to Albus dealing with a double image of his father and his uncle. The work image and the home image. Very realistic.
Did Cara and Danny ever make up in the ensuing years? Or had they remained estranged friends because she couldn't share in the wizarding world? Either way, that would be a very cruel way to find out that your friend and her family had been killed. I could see that leading to many possibilities, like revenge or having to not work on that case because of being too close...
Good job!Author's Response: Thank you so much, first of all, for your wonderful review!
I will definitely go back and just make those grammar edits, thanks for pointing it out!
I always felt like it would put Albus and any of the next generation kids in such an awkward position to see their parents in positions of power when they see them so normally at home.
There's definitely going to be a lot more of Cara and Danny's backstory to come!!! Their story would be incomplete if I just let it here!
Once again, thanks so much!(: Report Review
YAY! GO YOU! IT'S AMAZING!
I love the way you've worked the new conversation between al and lucy.. interestingly this edit has made their relationship more "family" like, you know the whole "we not friends but we're family so i HAVE to help you out" and you can really get that sense from the way you've described how Lucy looks at Albus.
OH MY GOD i have fallen in love with Danny (even though he's not real). There's a sentence you write really really well: ("Tears rolled down Dannys face as he tried exhaling evenly to calm his staggering breaths")and i can perfectly picture this fully grown, gorgeous man (in my head he is, lol) breaking down in this really girly, pink, happy bedroom and the juxtaposition of that image in my head is really powerful.
Him being sat in that pink child-like bedroom, crying the way you described, reminds me of mourning child-hood, the innocence, the memories him and cara had, the carefree nature of childhood, and now that's all gone... it's like he's grieving in her room and this happy girly pink innocence room is making a mockery of him, whilst also reminding him that the time for 'fun' and 'happy' and child-like ways has LONG gone...
Its amazing that your writing is so well written that my mind can create all of that from only two sentences in that entire passage about danny
hmmm i wonder if this means, once he mourns, he's going to become really forth-wright/ blunt/ focused/obsessed with solving the case.?
oh i cant WAIT to read the next chapter although because i read the old edit i think i know what's coming next but still if you do the next one anything like this you deserve a MASSIVE dobby award...this is epic stuff! well done im so happy for you
~Kim :)Author's Response: YAY! I'm glad that you like the changes that I made to this chapter! Seriously, your review made me feel like I had so much potential with the chapter and I'm glad that you pointed it out! I definitely want to continue to live up to your expectations!
I'm SO glad you like Danny!!! :D
When I first thought of him, I immediately fell in love. I'd never fallen in love with a male OC that I tried creating so I'm glad you like him too!
I love that you made that connection between an adult Danny in a pink little girl's room.
Thanks for your review! Seriously, you have been the most helpful reviewer EVER!
Claire(: Report Review
Love it, just want to offer a few ideas/suggestions/ critiques as both a reader and writer.
-The twist should come out in drips over 2 chapters
- the action should "flash" between the story of the girls and the auruor department in the house.
- albus and Lucy's conversation, would have much more relevance if it is written as if it is taking place at the scene of the crime. This might also make it a bit more dramatic too, ya know the whole "hushed tones in the quiet corner" it might also re-affirm albus' urgency and anxiety to beat that Adam dude, be the best, and help his friend get over the death.
-the discussion between the girls reads like you are trying to tell us the plot, it should be plausible as 'natural conversation' but it isn't
- the discussion between the girls is hard to follow because you're trying to get to the big reveal before you use Cara's name but reading a complex twist without really knowing who's talking or without descriptive language of where they are how the feel it makes it very difficult to follow, however I had a thought that might help with this...
- you should set this big twist in 'real time' (like you did in the first chapter) e.g a short story of cara palmers trip to France, whoever is with her that takes the picture? then the story flashes back to albus picking the photo up if the fireplace. Or as another example the chapter ends with that girl turning up at her door (or however she did it) and telling her that she's not really cara palmer. So we, as an audience, experience past and present in real time.
- I wanted to know straight away ( when Harry announced the death) what Danny was feeling, again that really rich description that you did well in the first chapter. E.g " all air had left his body as if he'd been hoofed by a hippogriff, he had not heard Harry right she couldn't be...dead"...and so on and so forth I explain why I think this is important in the point below.
-make sure you understand the reasons behind writing from a specific characters point of view (POV). Personally I wanted to know how Danny felt, what did he see in her bedroom? what were his thoughts about her? Because the chapter is from albus' POV it took away alot of the emotion and caring about her death, that we should have felt. Danny is the main character, (and because you got the first chapter spot-on) i now care about what Danny cares about, so it's not good to tear the audience away from the main character at such an emotional point in the story...at a point where we could actually learn quite a lot about what Danny is like as a person. And if I get to share the pain of her death with him the shock of her being alive would be much more BAM! Because then, as a writer, you are taking you're audience through an emotional journey/ roller coaster, and that's when an audience becomes loyal and committed to a story; when they are emotionally impacted by it.
The only reason I went to town on this review is because you are a really REALLY good writer and you had a lovely style in the first chapter that I would hate for you to let slide so quickly into the story. I hope you don't think me mean, just some friendly advice. I am very much liking where this is going though! Congrats to you :)
~nitraAuthor's Response: Constructive criticism!!! THANKS SO MUCH!!! No I definitely do NOT think that you are mean. I think your review has been the most helpful review that I have ever received in my entire fanfiction writing life, not going to lie!
I'm definitely going to reconsider my next update and edit this chapter because I do think you brought up so many good points that I think I definitely need to incorporate before going on because I don't want to make the rest of the story messy or anything like that.
Thanks SO much, love. This review has REALLY helped me out a lot! I hope you continue reading, and stay tuned for what's to come, and the edits for this chapter! (:
Claire Report Review
Love love that cliff hanger, beautiful written actually feel like I'm in Danny's mind, good job!! :)
~nitraAuthor's Response: aww thanks so much! (: ~Claire Report Review
I'm really interested to see where this is going to go. Your final line, Cara Palmer is dead, made me sad because I kind of hoped things would work out with her Danny. They sounded very close as kids and its pity they argued. I wonder if they ever reconciled before she died?
Can't wait for the next chapter!
-Pottergirl7Author's Response: I hated the idea of having to kill Cara because I actually had a whole plot planned for her and Danny but the story just worked out better for me to have her murdered :( thanks so much for your wonderful review! (: Report Review
This story seems like it could be really interesting! It's different from other stories I've read and I like it. I must know more! Please update soon!Author's Response: I'm glad that you're interested! (:
I hope to be able to keep your interest, and the next update should be in the queue soon as soon as I'm done with exams! thanks for the wonderful review! Report Review
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