Hey, how're you going? You requested a review from me AGES ago but I've had nothing but laptop problems, so now that they're HOPEFULLY fixed I leapt at the opportunity to play catch up and you were first on my list, so very sorry about that!
So, first up I have to ask... Was this a one shot, or a prologue? Reason I ask is that I only accept one shots, and if it is a one shot I am completely confused, but if it's a chaptered fic... well, I'm still pretty confused but it might make more sense knowing that the story isn't over yet. So yea, one shot or chaptered?
I'm going to go with the impression that, as I only take on one shot requests, that this is a one shot and review it with that in mind, ok?
So, first things first, a few standout spelling/gramatical errors.
ďCome on now dear, donít play games you donít even understand,Ē he tutted, grabbing my arm and twisting it behind her back, while I struggled in shock. - TENSE CHANGE, reference to "her" arm when it should've been "my" arm.
How could have I? All Iíd ever wanted in life, I was given. - Just included it a bit longer so you knew where I was talking about, but "How could I?" or "How have I?" How it is at the moment is extremely awkward to read.
There are many instances in this story where your sentence structure doesn't flow due to overkill with comma's, so maybe just try reading it allowed with the pacing you've put down for the story, pausing for the commas etc, and you'll see what I mean, rather than getting a beta reader - I don't think you need a full on beta, but that's a handy tip to know :)
Ok, now, the rest... I am confused by this story, trying to work out how it fits together and I'm sorry, but as is, I just can't do it. I couldn't see the flow between the characters, only thing that kind of held them together was the few minor references to the canon next gen characters. Sorry to be blunt about it, but it's true. I was unsure for a while whether it was the same girl, then their names were mentioned or the differences in height etc, and I just got more and more confused.
The scenarios for each three parts were interesting in their own way, I liked the girl from part one, how she was malicious and the one from part three being a Seer and the story behind the disappearance of the Seers, that was interesting, but aside from that, again, I didn't see the flow between the parts, I'm sorry. Hoping your response will shed some light over everything so I better understand it though... Hope this kind of helps? :S Bobby xx Report Review
Here I am finally with your reviews!
Oh wow I really love the beginning, the way that Rosenelle smiled because her mother told her that is was malicious and how you mentioned that she smiled at her mother in what I can assume was after she died, was so creepy. Already she sounds like such an original and stand out character, I can't wait to see how she develops through the story.
She seems so evil, and I love it, I love the way she talks to James and how she acts, how she thinks. How old is she?
Roseanna was pregnant? or is? I feel bad for her that her parents are acting like that and disowning her, and thinking of their reputation and the campaign instead of their daughter.
Louis is going to be the father? And they hated each other? I can't wait to find out what happened there and what's going to happen with them.
She's a seer? This chapter just gets more and more interesting! I am so eager to find out more!
I'm so glad that she was saved, although the auror doesn't seem too friendly either, but I'm glad that the creepy man has gone.
I must admit it did take me a while to realise that you were talking about three different girls, for a while I though that the person at the beginning was going through all of that, I felt really sorry for her. But I really loved this. I can't wait for more, you've written it wonderfully! :D Report Review
Hi. . . . . .Siriusly89 here with your insanely late review. I am so sorry its taken so long! Please donít throw stuff at me!
Anyway, Iím here now, ready to review!
Wow. . . .the first person weíre introduced to is a character and a half, arenít they? Three paragraphs in and I already have suspicions theyíve murdered their mother. What on earth are they doing on Platform 9 ĺ Ďs if theyíre a murderer? Please do not tell me they are letting them attend Hogwarts (assuming the person is of Hogwarts age of course)
Okay, now Iím really confused. James seems to be some sort of Auror, in charge of Rosenelle, but then what on earth are they doing getting on the Hogwarts Express?
And now weíre beginning to see what sort of background Rosenelle grew up in. She was an unmarried pureblood who just so happened to get pregnant, so what do her parents do? Kick her out. Perfectly logical plan of action. Not.
Oh God! This is a different person altogether! But I still feel for her, I really do.
Anna seems like a bit of a spoilt princess, but I canít help feeling for her, the poor girl. Life really isnít going her way, is it? I like that Louis is there for her though.
And then weíre on to the third girl. Sheís an Arithmancer? Oh! You donít see too many of those around the place! I like her already, she seems different, less crazy than Rosenelle, and less spoilt than Roseanna.
That evil hoodie idiot, does he have nothing better to do? I canít wait to find out who her saviour is though!
And we donít find out. Can I just say that this is the most original first chapter Iíve read in a long time, I liked it so much Iím going to favourite! Seriously, please update soon! Report Review
Hi! I'm here to do the review you've requested!
What with the couple of word changes that just happened, I was a little confused. However, I got the hang of it!
I'm never overly critical, so no worries!!
A few things I was confused about: Why do the situations keep switching? Are they changes in POV? If so, could you show that a little more clearly by putting their names above their different segments?
At times, I was very uncertain about what was going on, and it is only now that I realize it might all be due to a switch in Point of View. (Oooh, a rhyme!)
You might also want to work on clearing up your diction and syntax a little bit. Sometimes your sentences were just a bit unclear, and the plot is intriguing, so I'd like to see everything in a bit more color.
That was the criticism portion. Now, on to the praise! :)
You've done very well with setting up the suspense... There are definitely strange things afoot in the Wizarding World, and I'm wondering what could be going on. What ties all of these mysterious POVs together? How will everyone come together to make the story come alive?
I hope I've been helpful to you in your writing journey!
~UnluckyStar57 Report Review
Hey! Sorry about my random spazzy review thread - it seems like I only have time to read and review on weekends now, which sucks.
Anyway, your stories are always so different and creative, which I love, and it seems as though this one is no different. There was definitely a huge element of darkness in this chapter, which was great to see, and I am now looking forward to finding out how each character links to your other characters...it's going to be exciting to find out!
Anyway, I think my favourite character so far is Rosenelle, mainly because I love dark characters who aren't wholly good. I love that sinister air that Rosenelle has, and how I've already learnt so much about her, merely from the memories she shares about her mother and the way she aims to get what she wants. I also LOVE the fact that she's a sort of criminal, and the line: 'Pain was second nature to me, pain made me feel alive. It made everything real.' I felt like it hinted at the fact that Rosenelle had had some sort of great pain in her past, perhaps that had caused her to be the way she is now? I don't know really, but I can't wait to find out!
Roseanna was also a great character, and I liked the way you developed her poor relationship with her parents. She and Rosenelle definitely seem very different - in fact, they seem almost completely opposites, and I'm interested to find out more about her odd sounding relationship with Louis. I wonder how the two of them met? I was also so sure it was Scorpius, so when I found out that it was Louis, who is not written about an awful lot, I was pleasantly surprised.
And finally, the last of the three girls, who we do not yet know the name of. This was a very mysterious, intriguing section and I am super eager to know more about her! Again, she seems completely different from the other two characters. I am certainly impressed that you have managed to create these three very individual girls. I wonder what will happen when they first interact?
Anyway, I thought this was an excellent first chapter - mysterious without being too confusing, hooking and dark. There were a few spelling and grammar errors, but nothing too distracting. Nice job!
Courtney:) Report Review
You had some grammatical errors and I would personally suggest showing that you were switching points of view because it was kind of abrupt going from one character to another. Also, I'm confused, I've got no idea what's going on or how all of these things are related. What exactly is going on?
Anyway, seems like a pretty interesting start.Author's Response: Hey! Well a lot is happening. This was a start tht really describes the girls. If you look at the summary you can assume tht somehow the girls will be related (it's part of the plot)
Um I'm not sure what you don't understand. Like each individual part of the story or how it all connects? It's a prologue. After this chp, every chp will be from one respective so it will make more sense.
I'm sorry tht it wasn't clear the character change. I assumed tht the line break and a new start setting would explain the change in POV.
Thank you for reviewing ! Report Review
Hello love! I'm here with a review for you.
It's quite interesting, all the little pieces so far (:
It seems like a puzzle piece that we have to put together, and I can see where you got the inspiration for your title from.
One suggestion though, to make things a bit clearer and to keep everything in order.
Make a vague timeline for each of the sections.
For example, a date (or just a year) for her being interrogated for a crime, a date/year for her parents kicking her out, a date/year for her being in Knockturn Alley. That way, it's a bit clearer. I followed it just fine, but it's a suggestion (:
Also, I find Roseanna's personality very interesting. Having a child? Being a pureblood? Being a Seer? Accused of a crime? A strange society wanting her?
There's a lot going on with just Roseanna herself that it seems like there is a lot more to this whole story. If she is just one part of the entire puzzle piece, this must be one grand scheme xD
It's interesting so far and very mysterious, which I do like for story genres like this. (:
~ClaireAuthor's Response: Hey Claire! Nice to see you !
They are three different characters, which might help w the people clarification :P
I will totally add a timeline, I didn't realize it would be this confusing :P
Im glad you liked it!! This is like my baby hahah so let's just hope I can help it make more sense from now on :D Report Review
ShadowRose here from the forums, with your requested review!
Wow. Just... wow. This is such an amazing idea and I'm excited to see where it goes.
Rosenelle is definitely my favorite character of the three. You show so much of her character just through her interactions with her mother, and even more so with her interactions with James. You can really feel the tension between them. Plus, she's some sort of criminal? I love it.
Roseanna's parents are very well portrayed, as the high-class couple who basically only looks out for themselves and their reputation. It also serves to show what kind of life she led before now.
I also love when she's leaving the house, and keeps seeing the things that remind her of her childhood. It just increases the reader's sympathy for her, because you watch her leave behind everything she ever had.
As far as her characterization, you can definitely see how little she trusts people, as shown by the immediate conclusions she jumps to when Louis leaves the room.
As for your final character, who lacks a first name if I'm not mistaken, she's very different from any other characters you really see in fanfiction. First, she's a Seer, she's an Arithmancer, and she went to school in Greece. Also, someone's trying to kill her. Once again, an amazing and totally unique character.
Okay, I have just a few CCs: "But he wasn't the best, no off course not." Should that be "of" instead of "off"? Also "I don't have to plague." Did you mean "the plague"? Finally, "non-word spell" should be "non-verbal spell."
Also, Muffliato wouldn't silence her. What the spell does it fill the person's ears with white noise so they can't overhear a conversation. I believe Silencio is te spell you're looking for.
Overall, GREAT start to this story, and please re-request when you have more chapters!
-ShadowRoseAuthor's Response: Hey! Thanks for the review! Means a lot =)
Alright so thank you for pointing out the mistakes. I thought I read it over but obviously I miss stuff all the time so thanks!
Im really glad you liked the characters! The final characters dont have names yet but they will soon so no biggie :P It was on purpose though ahah.
Im happy you think they are unique! Thanks for the compliments =) Report Review
Hi Mya! Ooh this is the new story you were talking about, so I was really glad to see that you had requested!
I thought it was an interesting way to start. You could immediately sense the tension between her and her mother. Her mother sounds like someone you wouldnít particularly want to cross with the whole thing about the smiling. I was wondering whether the girl was a pureblood, as it sounds like pureblood behaviour.
I liked the dialogue between Rosenelle and James at the beginning, you could sense the tension between them, and it was some nice light hearted thing, which introduced you nicely to their relationship with one another.
I liked the drama of Roseanna and her parents. It was definitely interesting to jump straight into with a pregnant teen, and then her being kicked out, and running, presumably, to her boyfriends, who was Louis Weasley. One thing I would suggest in the future is not to choose names so similar as it does get a little confusing as to who is talking.
I really liked the third section you set up a great character. First of all sheís a seer, and Iíve never seen that done much, so I canít wait to see the consequences of her being one may be, and whether her predictions will have any major impacts. And secondly, she has an interesting background being from Greece, then her in Knockturn Alley, she seems like the one to watch, and that sheíll get up to a lot of interesting things.
I have a few CCís for you, in some cases capital letters and spaces were missing when they were needed, that should be easy to fix, so donít worry too much. Also in prose, numbers tend to look better written out, rather than in their numerical form, itís not much itís just a style thing. I also noticed some sentences were awkwardly phrased such as this one - Ďletís aboard the train before it leaves,í, I think should just be board the train.
I thought this was a great start to the story, there are just a few technical things which need to be sorted out, then this story will be awesome!
-Kiana :DAuthor's Response: Hey Kiana!!
Thanks for reviewing! yes this was the one we were talking bout :P just wanted to know what you thought haha.
Im glad you liked the story so far!! Its great that you enjoy the characters :P A lot of ppl seem to like the last part though tht seemed to be the hardest one to write hahah. I felt like I was tripping over myself the whole time.
Thanks for pointing out the CC's. I tried to fix them all!
Thank you for reviewing! Report Review
Well I must say I haven't read a story quite like this one before and I must say that I rather liked it. I love the back and forth dialogue you have going on as it really brings the story to life. I felt like I was there as the story was unfolding. Also the way you set up the scene's is wonderful as I was able to pictures the events happening in my mind, something that is essential to have when writing stories I think.
I must admit I got a little confused at one point since the names Rosenelle and Roseanna or very similar, though it's probably my own fault for not quite catching that in the first place. Though other than a few spelling mistakes which or only very minor I couldn't see anything really wrong with the chapter. The flow is good and the detail you have is just right. And the way you have threaded tension into the story being told is fabulous and brings the story to life.
~HallowsAuthor's Response: Hey thanks for the review! Im glad you liked the story!!
Sorry that was on purpose but they have nicknames which they will be refereed to as from now on. Its going to be Ellie, Anna, and the last one who I'll not mention yet :P Report Review
Hello, I'm here with your requested review! Sorry it took awhile, the length didn't fit with the amount of time I had.
It didn't captured my attention right off the bat but it made me wanted to know want happened next.
The characters are good, we don't know them that well yet since it's the first chapter.
Since this is about three different people's point of views you should seperate them like, C1 blah blah blah then C2 blah blah blah as it can confuse the reader. Keep writing!Author's Response: Well it was the prologue which is why they were all in the same chapter. I do plan on making them hav different chapters =)
Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
Oh my Lord! I'm hooked! :D And this is your requested review!
I liked this first chapter a lot. You bring us these three OC female characters that are seemingly unrelated but I'm sure they'll cross paths at some point. Since so far nothing connects them, I'll talk about each part of the chapter separately.
Part 1: I liked the descriptions a lot. The atmosphere and everything about it made me feel like I was on the platform too, looking at the train. The character is very original. At first you'd think she was just another student, then you find out she's an orphan and finally you learn that she's under Auror custody. Which makes me think that she had something to do with her mother's death, since she is presented as a malicious person.
I liked her interactions with James II. She seems like the kind of woman who gets what she wants and know how to get it, but James may just be an even match. I'm looking forward to seeing how they get on while at Hogwarts. And also learning how she got herself into this mess!
I noticed two spelling mistakes in this part:
"while small children crying" - while small children cried.
"I would have to thank Mr. Harry Potter one day, personally off course" - of course.
They aren't major, really, I just wanted you to see I was paying attention! :)
Part 2: The fall from grace of a princess? That's how I see it! We have this character that has literally everything but her family's support and
she's going through the hardest thing a woman can go through.
I think it's going to be hard for her to go without all she's used to, but I have a feeling she and Louis will get by. And while we're on the subject, I was so surprised to see that Louis was the father! But he stood by her and I'm proud of him for that! Fleur and Bill raised him right. Though I'm sure there is a story behind all of this, especially since she said they hated each other. I guess that puts "make love not war" into a whole new perspective!
Part 3: This was my favorite out of them all! Her job, her past, her gift! Everything was just mind blowing! This was so detailed and put me right there with her! I was so anxious when the man started following her. I thought about Greyback. Maybe? No? Hey, it's a guess! Also, perhaps the Auror is somebody we know as well?
Honestly, I have no comments on this section. It was perfection delivered in the form of fiction.
I have to say that this story shows a great improvement in your writting. I've read all the other stories you requested for and this is by far the best! You don't leave any stones unturned, any loose ends and the plot is built up in such a way that I'm eager to learn more! Good job, darling! Please let me know when you update!
RalAuthor's Response: Hey Ral!! Nice to see you again!
Im so glad you liked it! I fixed the mistakes you pointed out and I can see how you much you paid attention :P
Part 2 was hard to write since it felt so cliche and unexciting compared to Part 1 which is why i stuck it into the middle you know, to avoid people from losing interest :P
Everyone loved Part 3 :P Its funny, since I thought i had mentioned her name and Auror's name as well but I guess not :P I'll do tht soon haaha.
Aww thank you so much! That truly means a lot so thank you! Will do! Report Review
Hey there! Here for our little review swap :D
I really pity Anna, the scene where her parents are kicking her out is just so evocative, I love it :P I feel as if she's a character who, on the outside, is a tough, devil's advocate who doesn't care, but on the inside, she's really just a girl. The plot is mysterious at the moment, and that's how you want it right now, just enough information to keep the reader enticed ;) I want to find out more about Anna's abilities as a seer and everything else, like why seers are being hunted... I loved your descriptions at the beginning as well, they were lovely to read.
Just a quick note, read over your work, there are a few minor typos, just to iron those out ;)Author's Response: Hey your welcome!
Im glad you liked the story! I'll go look at the minor errors and get rid of them =) thanks for mentioning them out!
Hi! This is Nicte with your requested review!
So, first of all, I really like threw plot of the story; personally I love stories that involve seers and mystery and that I don't really know what is going on. I also really enjoy the way you set the scene and describe things.
So the following are notes that I took while I was reading and the end I'll let you know what I think overall.
I'm not sure about how I feel about the beginning. You've set thee mood and the scene nicely but I don't really know what's going on (which is not necessarily a bad thing).
As I move forward, I can't really see how either James or your character is like (Which I suppose is going to developed further in the story).
When you change to the scene with her parents, you change the name of your Main Character which is quite confusing (and I'm now realising I got it wrong, keep reading, go on x.x)
Then we arrive to the scene with Louis and it's not very clear why he would help her, hold her while she cried and be there for her if they hate each other.
The timeline is really, really confusing, as it is the jumping between scenes that apparently are not connected to each other; I know that you probably have your own scheme and it's clear to you, but for the reader it's a little bit messy.
While I do think there are some things that could be improved, I really enjoyed the overall plot and am sure that it'll be an awesome story and I can't wait to read the next chapter.
Okay, after everything I've written, I'm just reading the summary, which I now think I should have read first...
This are the stories of 3 girls? O.O (Lord I'm so distracted)
Well, this changes things a little bit. Maybe you could consider putting a little note with the name of each character and say something like C1 POV, so people like me can understand what's going on.
So! After that mental accommodation, lets finish with the overall!
Overall -- I really enjoyed my lecture, I love the way you describe and set the mood and it's a really awesome plot and I can't wait to see where you're going.
Descriptions -- As I said before, I love the way you describe (in fact I love your writing style).
Characterization -- So, I'm not really sure what to put here since I'm just coming out of the shock that we're talking about 3 characters here and not only 1 (LOL), but I think that it's a matter of time before we can see the personalities of each girl.
Flow: Each part is really easy to read, but when you jump from one scene to another and you don't really know what's going on it gets confusing and it's something that should be worked on. (I think).
Dialogues: I think the dialogues were great. Personally, I enjoyed the dialogues between the first girl and JSP.
Finally, I believe that if you got a beta to check out for grammar issues and typos your story would improve a lot (not that I noticed much, but it's always nice to have someone to check your work).
And I'm done :)
I hope this is helpful and not that harsh (if it is, please let me know). Thank you for your request Author's Response: hey! thanks for doing this! no its not harsh ahah.
there are 3 characters which is why tht might seem confusing. the time line is the same day just different hours of the day. if you see, Part 1 was morning, Part 2 was afternoon and Part 3 was night.
Im glad you liked the story over all though =) Thanks for the notes on the flow! Report Review
Even when I had no idea who the I was, I was drawn to the character. You explained just enough about the characters. Not too little or too much. It made it intriguing to keep reading.
And I love your first girl! I've never been very good to write someone that like her, and keep her character intact. Usually halfway through I notice they become Mary-sue-isch...Your character doesn't show signs of that here.
Haha I was so confused when Roseanna got angry at Louis for standing up. Good thing you explained it! It was a good way to show she had trouble trusting people and (over)reacts to what she thinks people think/want/mean rather then what they do or say. Also, I loved that told us who Louis was when you did. Perfect timing.
That was something I really liked in the entire story. You didn't put all the information out there from the start. You unveiled things as you went along.
And wonderful idea to switch between the characters :P! You know I'm a fan of that!
There was one sentence that didn't flow fluently I think: "And after the man had finished talking about his spectacular find, though when asked for examples he refused to give any, he decided to throw a party."
While it is technically correct, perhaps you could look it over. It seems a little off to me.
Who was the last female? I might have missed it, one of the girls above or a new one?...or you don't want us to know yet.
I like your writing style! Like I said before the fact the give information as you go along, but never too much, makes this very intriguing. I found myself starting this chapter very critically, but it turned into being very engrossed in the story.
A few small typo's I noticed:
*in the first paragraph:"while small children crying as they saw their older siblings head on to the train". Either children were crying or children cried.
*"It would advisable for you to hand over the want right now," he replied "--> Wand.
*Also in Roseanna part...aren't they called non-verbal spells? Instead of a non word spell?
*And Occurring was spelled in that same part with only one c...
*"to take away from my broom and": From seems out of place in this sentence.
*"How could have I?": Correct me if I am wrong but the have and I should be switched.
*Also a dog wears a collar, not color.
*"At my Mum with her shining brown hair matching her eyes while Dad with his black and slightly gray hair and dark brown eyes." I'd change 'while' for 'and'.
*"There he himself free of my grip and sat me down": he pulled himself free? Also a comma after there, I think.
*"I could always apparate out of their"; there.
*Also, the hooded man, grabbed her arm and twisted it behind hid back? Wouldn't that be behind her back?Author's Response: Hey thank you for doing this!
your review really made my day!!
Im glad you got all of the points I really wanted to say though couldn't just out right say haha. I hope Rosenelle won't become Mary Sue but she has a very scary life so I really hope I can maintain her to be in character (which btw is not Mary Sueish haah).
I had a lot of trouble writing Roseanna but im glad you liked her as well!
Thanks for pointing out the mistakes! I changed them ;) Report Review
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